Pines Will Be Pines
by SuperGroverAway
Summary: Join the full-grown Mystery Twins and the rest of their family as they try to handle the endless paranormal absurdities and other ridiculousness that life continues to ceaselessly and inexplicably throw their way in this collection of one-shots from their near-future. Even as time goes on, there's still nothing that brings down the Pines clan. (Future-Pines AU)
1. Tour Terror

Hey everyone! This is probably a little overdue on my end, but I'm finally going to lump all future "Future-Pines" fics into one easily manageable collection, starting with this story here.

For folks new to my little AU, it's pretty simple - the twins are grown, Dipper and Wendy are hitched, Mabel has two kids, they still visit Gravity Falls occasionally, madness continues to occasionally ensue in their lives. All the past separately posted Future-Pines stories (separately listed on my profile for reference) are all part of the same timeline as the ones that will be posted here in the collection.

Also, **important** **note**: Sorry for any possible confusion, but like my past future-stories, these aren't going to follow any exact chronological order. Instead they're still going to jump all around in time depending on the story, hence for example why Mabel's kids will be mere babies in one story, three-year-olds in the next, and then suddenly two years old in the one after.

Hope you all continue to enjoy them! Reviews, critiques, and also any story suggestions are always greatly appreciated! - **SGA**

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"...So I think I'll be home around….probably seven, maybe seven thirty. Sound okay?"

"Totally. I'll get some pizzas delivered by then for everyone." Wendy replied back over the phone. "Seeya later, dude. Love you."

"Love you too." Dipper hung up, and a near- dead silence returned to the room. With the museum closed for the evening, the young man was one of the few left in the the entire building. It was more than likely that he was the only soul remaining in the labyrinthine back rooms; he hadn't heard a sound in the past half-hour. Carefully he shelved a collection of cleaned and catalogued amulets when a loud thud suddenly echoed ominously.

"Hello?" Only a deafening quiet replied. That was rarely a good sign. Instinctively every muscle in his body tensed. Warily the young man crept his way towards the next room.

"Hello?" He repeated himself. "Hello? Who's-"

A scream filled the air, and suddenly he found himself staring deep into a set of empty white eye sockets. In his haste to get away Dipper ended up falling flat on his back with a yelp. Shrill laughter proceeded to bombard his ears.

"Hi there!" Mabel poked her smiling face around the corner. As she playfully flapped the jaw of the ancient saber-tooth tiger skull in her hands like it was a puppet, fresh alarm spasmed through her brother.

"Hey, put that back! It's not a-" Dipper didn't get far before his two-and-a-half-year-old niece and nephew tumbled in and excitedly rushed him. The two triggered a hoarse grunt from their uncle when the literally tossed themselves onto his scrawny body.

"Uncle Dippeh!" Gladys threw her little arms around his neck for a chokingly tight hug.

"Uncle Dipper, that was funny!" Finn chirped in delight. Foiled by the aggressive cuteness assault, he could do little at the moment save try to recover both his breath and dignity. Mabel meanwhile smirked triumphantly before putting the skull back where she found it.

"You were supposed to call me when you got here." He wheezed as he gave each of the little ones a welcoming pat on the head. "How'd you even get inside?"

"Easy! You accidentally left one of your spare keycardy dealies at our place." Mabel whipped out a plastic card and pressed it to his forehead. "Boop!"

"How long have you been holding on to-" He changed his mind. "You know what, I don't think I want to know."

"Good!" She was cheerily unrepentant as ever. "That means we can get straight to Tour-Time! Ready to see what awesome stuff Uncle Dipper has in store for us today, sweeties?"

"YEAH!" The toddlers whooped ecstatically as they crawled off of him. Despite his still-aching stomach, Dipper was soon sporting an enormous smile. He couldn't lie; he almost enjoyed these secret after-hours family tours more than the kids did. The elder twins took a tot each by the hand.

"What are we gonna lookit today?" Gladys squeaked as she bounced along at his side. Her uncle's chest automatically swelled.

"Okay guys, we got some real cool stuff from some recent digs." He guided them towards a table covered with an eclectic assortment of items. "See these? These are some old stone knives. Now look at the designs here on the handle. Cool, right?"

"Oooohhh…." His niece ran her tiny fingers down the intricately carved designs. Mabel gasped when it was her turn to handle the gorgeous artifact.

"These are bea-ut-i-ful! Did you find these, bro?"

"Uh-huh!" He answered proudly. "Remember that dig I was away at last month? I found them by-"

"Uncle Dipper? What's this?" Finn hadn't been able to stay with them for more than five seconds. There were far too many intriguing things lying around to explore. That, and being the child of Mabel Pines definitely didn't do anything for his attention span, although it did wonders for his sense of curiosity. He had wandered across the room where two large rectangular boxes sat upon a sturdy table. The child pushed a step stool into place and hopped up for a peek inside.

The color drained from Dipper's face. In the blink of an eye he had bolted over and set the confused little boy right back on the floor. "Uh, nothing! It's nothing. That's….that's just where we keep all...our...uh, dirty tools! You know, everything we used to dig. You really don't want to look at that, buddy. Trust me, it's just a bunch of boring, dirty shovels...uh, yeah."

"Ooohhh! Lookit heah!" Gladys had already toddled into the next room where she now intently examined part of an excavated totem pole. Finn immediately forgot all about the strange containers and eagerly scampered off after his sister. Mabel waited until they were both just out of sight. While her children's attention was temporarily occupied, she seized her chance.

"...Can I look at them?" It didn't take her long to guess what her twin had been hiding. The young woman bit her lip like an over-excited child as she shifted hopefully from foot to foot.

After double-checking that the little ones weren't in eyeshot, Dipper opened the lid. Lying inside were the stained remains of a complete skeleton. The young woman's eyes sparkled brightly with fascination.

"Haha, creepy!" She irreverently poked at the bleached bones. "So what's their deal?"

"Well for starters, they're both kind of dead." He gazed down upon the macabre sight. This particular find had held a sort of curious fascination for him ever since it had shown up. " One of our out-of-state digs brought these two in just this morning. They think they might have been a pair gold miners, or a pioneering couple, but no one's really sure just yet. All they found were the bones in some rotten coffins."

"Ooooh, a mystery!" She chirped. "That's totally our jam, bro-bro! Any clues?"

"Actually..." He pointed to the array of long, rusty slivers of metal sticking in the back of the ribcage, then to the large metal spike stabbing clean through its shoulder.

"Whoaaa, what are those?"

"Nails. They were found in both bodies. It honestly looked like they were keeping them in place in their coffins."

"Weird." Her brow crumpled. "What for?"

Dipper held up a packaged scrap of wood. "Hopefully I'll learn soon enough. This is one of the biggest coffin chunks they excavated. See the writing scratched into it? I should start the cleaning process on this tomorrow-"

"Oh, it's just a little dirt!" She snatched it right from the bag, and to the professional archaeologist's horror she started vigorously rubbing it with her bare fingers.

"MABEL!"

"It's okay, I'm an art teacher! I'm used to getting a little messy!" She laughed. "Ah, there we go! See? Just regular old timey English!"

"Why would you...hey, you're right." Dipper's curiosity was too piqued to stay upset. Now that the writing was clear, he took it back and went over the scrawled words. "'Today we rid our community of these two servants of evil. To any who come across these followers of the black arts, stay away. Let them be, and do not call upon their dark master like so….'" The next few lines were a mess of old Latin that the young man fumbled through.

"Huh." Mabel cocked an eyebrow. "What's all that biz about? That sounds like-"

A low moan suddenly filled the air. The unimpressed young woman gave her brother a disapproving push. "Oh, laaaaame! Seriously Dipper, you gotta try a lot harder than that if you wanna scare me back."

"Uh…." Dipper had frozen up stiff as a steel beam. As much as he despised sounding cliched, he honestly didn't know what else to say except, "That….wasn't...me."

She read the fear in his face, and her jaw dropped. An all too familiar sense of dread swept over them. They quickly put two and two together just as the collection of supposedly lifeless remains suddenly lurched upright. Together the terrified siblings instinctively slammed the top of the container down as hard as they could. The crate started to move about as its occupant tried to get loose.

Unfortunately, now the top of the other box shifted with a second spine-chilling groan. Before the other heap of bones could try to escape, Mabel shut it tight, muffling the inhuman wail that the abomination managed to make despite a distinct lack of lungs and lips.

"Getting up!" She yelped. "Crazy skeleton thingys, getting up right now! Why are they getting up?"

"Why would they write the words you're not supposed to say right there on the coffin?" He exclaimed angrily. "Seriously, who does that? Who?"

"Being too careful, I guess! But talk about overkill-WAUGH!" Mabel's skeleton managed to get a hand loose, and the young woman just barely kept from getting her face clawed.

It wasn't long of course until the ruckus attracted the children's attention. Finn was the first to pipe up curiously from the next room.

"Mommy?"

"Uh, it's okay!" Mabe's mind raced. "Everything's fine! We're just...uh, just…."

"Helping me clean up!" Her brother added, just as his ghoul tried started pounding away with its bare knees.

"Yeah! I'm helping your Uncle Dipper clean up the dirty shovels and stuff from the big toolboxes! Absolutely nothing weird going on here, just boring adult stuff! Oh, it's sooooo stupid and boring and not fun! No worries, we'll be with you in a sec!" She said reassuringly.

One of the skeletons let out a horrific shriek, which of course proved to be immediately confusing for the tots.

"Whazzat, Mommy?" Finn piped up.

"It's….it's just me!" Dipper followed up his lie with his own horrifying yell. "I'm just...uh, just…."

"The singing contest!" Mabel creatively chimed in. "He's warming up for a Long-Distance Singing Contest! It's us versus you guys! Whoever can sing the loudest wins, okay? ONETWOTHREE GO! Sunny days, sweepin' the clouds away….on my way, to where the air is sweeeeeet! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to…."

Thankfully her tots never turned down a competition, and they eagerly joined in. Together they drowned out the bulk of the nightmarish screams, along with the unsettling sound of Dipper's knuckles striking bare bone. After beating down his skeleton back into its crate for the fourth time, the young man crawled onto the table and desperately threw his body onto the lids of both boxes.

"Stairwell!" He gasped as he held on tight. "Right when you get out the door, on your left!"

"On it!" Mabel shot off, temporarily leaving Dipper alone to hold back the cursed horrors.

"Did we win, Unca Dippeh?" His niece chirped in her squeaky lisp.

"N-no, not yet!" The young man gasped. Not too far away there was the sharp crash of breaking glass. "Keep going! Try and beat me, okay? 'C-can you tell me how to g-get, how to get to Sesame Streeeeet! Come and plaaay, everything's...'"

Both the undead monstrosities seemed to redouble their efforts in unison, sending the poor man bouncing up and down. Still he tried his very best to continue with the 'contest'.

"...Friendly neighbors there, that's-OW! That's-OW! OW! OW!"

"Uncle Dipperrrrrr!" He could hear his nephew groan in disapproval. "Those aren't the words!"

"Sorry! Okay, we'll start again! Sunny-OW! Sun-OW!"

"Sunny days, Uncah Dippeh!"

By some miracle he managed to get through the whole next verse without being bodily bucked up before his sister returned. Mabel bounded back in wielding a fire axe high above her head. Dipper hurriedly shoved the lid of the first box aside.

"Die! Die! Die! DIE! Die you evil skeleton monster, die!" She brought down the weapon hard. Moving like a well-oiled machine, the two repeated the process with the next thrashing horror. Completely decapitated, both promptly collapsed into loose pile of inanimate bones. But this didn't stop her from frantically swinging the blade down several more times on each one for good measure. "DIE! DIE! BOTH OF YOU, DIE!"

Just to make sure they stayed lifeless, Dipper hurriedly wrenched out a couple inches of neckbone and stowed them away in his pocket. He'd thoroughly dispose of those later. For now though, the two needed moment to recover. Their hearts were jackhammering so hard that they could practically hear them pounding against their ribcages.

"W-where…." Mabel gasped. "Where the heck did you guys find these?"

"No idea. Hold on..." Panting hard, he reached for the attached report. "Okay, let's see here...Male and female remains. Mid-nineteenth century. Found at Silver Spring, abandoned settlement at site 3B-5, central Oregon, near town of Gravity Falls…"

He did a double take at the all too familiar name. There was a moment of dumbfounded silence before he smacked his forehead. "Oh….oh you have got be _kidding _me."

"Huh." His sister was immediately satisfied. "Well that makes sense!"

Blissfully unaware of what had just transpired, the toddlers bounced back into the room. Little Gladys tugged on her uncle's leg. "Did we win now?"

"Huh? " Dipper wearily grunted. "Oh, uh….y-yeah. Yeah, you win the contest. C-congrats."

"Uncle Dipper? Uncle Dipper!" Finn impatiently tugged on his arm. Now that the game was over, they had more pressing matters to attend to. "Uncle Dipper, can we go lookit the dinosaurs now?"

"Dinosaws!" Gladys chorused. "Pleeeease? Can we?"

"Rawwrrr!" Her brother bared his teeth and playfully growled, and then went right back to pleading adorably. "Please? Can we lookit them?"

"Yeah! Of course Uncle Dipper can take us to go see the dinosaurs!" Their adorable enthusiasm helped speed their mother's recovery along tenfold. In no time her spirits had buoyed back to their normal bubbly level. "Right?"

Dipper still needed a good half minute and at least a dozen more long, deep breaths. "Y-yeah, that….that sounds good...c'mon, let's go look at the dinosaurs."

With ecstatic cheers, the tiny twins skipped on right ahead. Soon the clan had made their way to an enormous cavern of a room. Mabel's toddlers were now surrounded by so many fossils that as usual, they barely knew what to do with themselves. They dashed about and enjoyed themselves to the very fullest alongside their mother. The three gawked, laughed, and playfully mock-roared at one another to their heart's delight.

Only Dipper remained left out. The exasperated young man slumped on a bench, still recovering from their earlier incident.

"Whop!" Mabel snapped him to the present. After poking him in the gut, she sat down beside him. "What's your deal?"

"Sorry. Give me another minute. I just…." He let out a heavy sigh. "How are you feeling better already?"

"You mean from those dead guys? Pffft! It was only two measly skeletons. We've had to handle stuff a thousand times weirder than that. Sometimes even a million times weirder!"

"I know, but..." He shook his head. "That? That was all a total Gravity Falls thing. It's something we're only supposed to deal with when we visit up there, not around here at home."

"Pfffft! Like I said, it was just two bony jerks." She cheerily dismissed his concerns.. "No problem for total pros like us, right?"

"I guess. But it's not the kind of thing that-"

"Nuh-uh! Sorry, but there's no getting upset during Dinosaur Time!" She declared loudly. "Isn't that right?"

"DINOSAUR TIME!" Her children joyously repeated on cue, triggering a brief smile from their uncle. For a few minutes they just sat and watched the little ones bound about, marveling at the prehistoric reptile fossils. Mabel passed a glance and saw that her brother was still looking a little haggard.

"Buck up! Look, my babies are having the time of their lives, all thanks to their Uncle Dippingsauce!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying." He groaned wearily. "I'm just-"

"Just what?" She pried. Dipper mulled over how best to put it.

"You ever get those moments where our lives just feel sort of...I dunno…I don't want to say 'cursed' or anything too strong like that but…" He shrugged awkwardly. "You get what I mean, right?"

As usual, his eternal optimist of a sister was ready and waiting to balance him out. Mabel slung an arm around his shoulder, comfortingly crushed him close and topped it all off by flashing the toothiest smile she could muster. "'Exciting.' The word that you're looking for is 'exciting' bro-bro..."


	2. A Little Chat

Just some family fluff! Enjoy! - **SGA**

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"...Hey, I'm back!" Dipper announced as he returned to the little apartment that he called home. "Hello?"

There was no reply. The young man soon found his wife sprawled across the length of the couch, with crimson locks draped messily over her face as she napped. That was all fine by him though. If she was out cold, then that meant he had a chance to talk to her sofa-mate. After making sure she was still asleep, he positioned himself close to her swollen belly.

"Hey there, kiddo. Check it out, I got a couple books from the library today." He opened up his backpack and revealed a sizable collection of informative literature on infant care. "I decided it might be good to start seriously brushing up. All that time spent helping Mabel with your cousins probably won't help that much as I'd like. I mean, they're almost three and a half now. I'd bet you anything that I've gotten pretty rusty at handling newborns. I mean, I don't think I've like, forgotten everything, I just don't want to be caught off guard or anything…."

Dipper paused, then broke out chuckling at his own ridiculousness. "Oh man. I really, really, really hope you take after your mom. Trust me, you do not want to have deal with my level of anxiety. You've probably figured this out already, but things can get pretty crazy around here, so it's definitely for the best if...you can….keep your cool…"

Dipper suddenly became intensely aware of a muffled yet steady high pitched coo coming from his immediate right. He craned his head ever so slightly. The familiar toothy-smiled face that greeted him from only inches away nearly gave him a heart-attack.

"_GAH_! M-Mabel, what-" He hastily lowered his voice. "What're you-"

"Hi bro-bro!" His twin sister, the veritable master of cheerful surprise, was now suddenly kneeling right next to him.

"What are you doing here?" Now that he had been caught in the act, a torrent of blood rushed to his cheeks.

"We brought chocolate-chip rainbow cookies!" She produced a tin of freshly baked treats, each one lovingly coated in an extra-thick layer of multi-colored sprinkles.

"That doesn't count as an answer." He shot back. "And who's we?"

He honestly had no idea why we asked. On adorable cue her three-year-old twins and pet pig all peeked from behind her. Over the last few years she had abused her spare-apartment key privileges more than he could ever hope to count.

"Hey guys." The dutiful uncle whispered to his little niece and nephew.

"Hiiii!" Finn replied with a two-handed wave.

"Hi, Uncle Dippeh!" Gladys squeaked. Both the well-behaved little balls of energy kept their voices down to eager high-pitched whispers.

"Here, have a cookie!" Mabel thrust the treats in his face. "C'mon, take a couple! Seriously, take as much as you want. We went overboard at home. Now we have a serious surplus of deliciousness going on right now."

To Dipper's intense relief, Wendy hadn't stirred yet. A tactical retreat before she woke up was now very much in order. He could already feel the nervous sweat steadily beading on his forehead. "Okay, I'll try one in the kitchen-"

"It's okay, you can have it right here!" She happily refused him. "Try one!"

"We probably should-"

"Nooo, keep going doing your thing here! This is the best!" Her eyes sparkled brightly with unrestrained glee. "Omigosh, I still can barely believe it! You do actually talk to your little baby while she's still in her mom's tummy! Dipper, that's….that has to be-"

"I know, I know, it's cute." His cheeks were now burning bright scarlet. "Now can we-"

"Are you kidding? This is a million miles beyond cute! It's honestly one of the most adorable things ever!" She pat her rosy cheeks.

"We should probably move now." He tried to rise, and was foiled by a comforting hug.

"Don't worry bro, I do it too! Auntie Mabel just loves talking to her inside-niece!" Mabel lowered her head and began gushing to the unborn little one. "Hey there, honey! How are you doing? It's just me, popping in for a little visit. Look, I brought your cousins!"

She held up her little daughter to the baby bulge. "Say hi, Glad-Glad."

"Hi, baby!" the child enthusiastically whispered.

"Now your turn, Finn!" She speedily swapped children.

"Hi Phoebe!" he squeaked.

"Okay, so we've all said our hellos. Great. Now can we go?" Dipper's anxiety continued to painfully mount with every passing moment. .

"Why? We're having a great time here." She was obviously in no hurry.

"Because I think Wendy's going to be kind of weirded out if she finds me here talking to the baby like this." He impatiently implored. Not surprisingly, his sister remained unmoved.

"Oh, pffft! She won't be freaked out at all. She loves it! She told me that it's one of her favorite th-" Mabel hastily clapped a hand tightly over her lips, but it was too late. Her words had already frozen the blood in her brother's veins. Dipper gawked silently at her like a deer in headlights.

"...Wait, what?"

If he had any lingering hopes that she was only joking, those were soundly quashed a moment later when Wendy let out an uncontrollable snort. With her cover now blown, the supposedly sleeping woman brushed aside a few copper strands to reveal open green eyes and a guilty grin.

"Hey." She snickered.

"Um...h-hey." It was with great dismay that he put two and two together. "You're usually completely awake when I do this, aren't you?"

"Uh-huh. Dude, you seriously think I can't hear you when you end up talking to her for like, at least ten minutes at a time?" Wendy laughed. The young man groaned, earning him a pat on the head. "Sorry. I really liked the attention you were giving her. It's super sweet."

"Thanks?" In spite of the affectionate praise, Dipper's face still burned with the heat of a miniature sun.

"Relax, bro! It's just like she said! It's only some cute daddy stuff!" Mabel comfortingly chimed in.

"Yeah, I guess. One thing." Something occurred to him. "If you knew she was awake….why were you whispering to me the whole time just now?"

His sister thought about it for a second, shrugged, then changed the subject by unceremoniously shoving the tin back in his face. "Cookie?"

"Yeah, actually." The young man decided a snack was now finally in order. As he helped himself, Wendy ungracefully righted herself into a sitting position. No sooner had she made room when her niece and nephew crawled on onto the sofa to snuggle close against their aunt.

"Okay, so while you're here…" She laughed and gave her bump a playful pat. "Is there anything else you want to tell her?"

"Actually, yes." Dipper figured that he might as well be a good sport as he leaned back in, "Some advice for later; when you want to learn how to be sneaky, go ask your mom or Aunt Mabel…."


	3. On the Hunt

Just a quick reminder in case anyone gets confused - like my earlier independently uploaded Future-Pines fics, these take place at different points over a small three year period instead of any chronological order (just in case anyone gets confused - I am a fairly neurotic author in that regard).

Also, I know it's just been a little bit since I last uploaded a story, but it's the end of the semester, and writing helps me relax. Suffice to say, I have _really_ been churning them out in my little scattered scraps of free time recently. Anywho , as usual, enjoy! - **SGA**

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He set eyes on her from across the bar, and he read all the signs in a heartbeat. The glass that she kept kept getting refilled over and over. The way that she had started to involuntarily sway a little in her seat. The fact that she was clearly drinking all by herself.

In other words, she was prime prey.

He ran his tongue over his fangs in hungry anticipation as he went right to work figuring out a game plan. It seemed like a pretty standard play would work. Slide on up, drop a few good lines, flash that roguish smile, get her talking, and soon he'd be eating well.

They made eye contact. He flashed her a grin, and on cue she let out a giggle. Without further encouragement she left her seat and joined him at his table.

"Hey, guess who wants to say hi?" She laughed, sitting down a little ungracefully. "Mabel, that's who."

"Pleasure's all mine." He said suavely "Enjoying yourself?"

"Now that I got some nice drinkies in me, yup." She tittered. After plowing through the rest of her bright red cocktail with a mighty gulp, she asked none too subtly, "You're not from around here, are you?"

"I'm sort of a drifter." He answered with a touch of mystery, followed by a teasing chuckle. "Hope you don't have a problem with that."

"Ohhh noooo, believe me!" She erupted with a mighty laugh that implied that she had already lost volume control. "I love making new friends. Besides, out-of-town friends are the best."

She leaned in to "whisper" rather loudly, "They won't go blabbing to everyone you know around town."

"I take it you're not supposed to be here?" He nodded sympathetically.

"Maybe." She tried to be playful about it, but without any goading she launched right into an alcohol-fueled rant. Apparently she had a lot she had been dying to get off her chest "I totally needed a little bit of me-time. You know, they say that motherhood's supposed to be all great and stuff….and yeah, sometimes I can see what they're talking about, but other times it's like, 's so great about two little irrational people who are alway screaming their heads off every night? Huh? Not a whole lot, I can tell you that! You can't deal with that day in and day out without needing a break, stat?"

"Taking care of them on your own, huh?" he asked. That was something of shame. He almost wanted to feel a little bad for them. But a meal was a meal, and it wasn't often that one served itself up as nicely as this.

"Ooohhhh, don't get me started. Because if I do…." she clumsily mimed a flood rushing from her mouth, complete with sound effects.

"Well, I'm all ears." He offered kindly, reeling her in.

The young woman sipped from her glass, and it took her a moment to remember that it was empty. "Hey, would you be okay if we took this somewhere else? I know a place not too far from here where all the nice drinkies are half off after ten."

"Lead the way." He chuckled, offering up his arm.

"Cmon, new friend!" She winked, or tried to at least. She ended up blinking several times at him before getting it right. Without further delay she grabbed him by the wrist and led her new pale-skinned companion out of the bar and onto Gravity Falls' main drag.

He barely muffled a laugh of delight. This was unbelievable. She hadn't even asked him his name, and already she was taking him right out into the night, with barely a soul around. It was like a chicken rolling around in flour and seasoning before swan-diving into a deep fat fryer. He couldn't remember the last time he had it this easy. And with a full-half century hiding under his deceptively youthful exterior, that was saying quite a lot.

Together they plodded down the sidewalk. Only half a block later she took a sharp turn and started guiding him off into the surrounding forest.

"C'mon, I know a shortcut." She tittered, then held a finger to her lips. "Shhhh! It's secret, okay?"

"My lips are sealed." He replied, getting another laugh out of her. Together they headed among the evergreens. With the way that she was stumbling about, he was surprised that she hadn't fallen flat on her face yet. Ever the expert hunter, he let her lead on as if he couldn't see everything around them as clear as the light of day.

"Whoooops!" The brunette stumbled over a root. "Clumsy meee!"

"Just what were you drinking back there?" He helped her back to her feet. As he kept a friendly grin plastered on his chalk-white face, he planned his final move. It looked like a swift grab-and-bite would easily get the job here.

Or it did until she straightened up and answered with the toothiest of smiles, "Cranberry juice and seltzer! It's one of my favorites!"

He gawked confusedly at her like a squirrel in headlights. "...Wait, what?"

A loud metallic clang rang out behind him. He whirled around, giving Mabel Pines just the opportunity she needed to flounce off. As she retreated into the trees, she fished a pair of thick sunglasses from out of her purse. "Bye-bye!"

Somewhere nearby, a portable generator suddenly came to life with a growling rumble. The "young man" only had enough time for a panicked sqeuak. "Uh oh-"

The dozen strategically placed sun lamps all blazed on at once, flooding that patch of forest with vitamin D-infused light. In the blink of an eye he was gone, leaving only a pile of dust on the forest floor.

"Ha! I ain't nobody's dinner!" Mabel reappeared to whoop triumphantly at the sad little remains. "You just got Pine-tricked, sucka!"

"Nice." A lanky redhead sauntered out of the trees to deliver a hearty high five. But before Wendy could unceremoniously clear the dusty remnants with a sweep of her boot, her sister-in-law gestured for her to hold off.

"Oooh, wait!I can make a lesson out of this!" Mabel looked around. "Babies?"

"Right here." Dipper put down the two pots he had been clanging together and emerged from behind a carefully constructed branch blind with a loaded stroller. His sister unloaded her twins, took one in each arm and led them back into the light.

"See, hun-buns? All you have to do is get a bunch of the rights lights, and it's just like taking a vampire outside on a sunny day! Those creepy-creeps don't stand a chance. Especially not with Mommy's awesome acting skills! No they didn't! No they didn't! Who's actress of the year? Your Mommy is! Uh huh!"

The adoring mother blew a raspberry onto the forehead of each baby in turn before she began twirling around in an impromptu victory dance. Dipper nodded to his wife.

"See ya." She scattered what was left of the bloodsucker with pleasure. "So, we just got one more left to go, right?"

"I thought we had two left." Soos said confusedly as he manned the generator. The giant giant hoped he was wrong. These eerily gorgeous vampires were the absolute worst. They always seemed to drift into town in packs, and that always made for a lot of work.

"Oh right, you were with Melody last night." Wendy recalled. "Nah, we totally got that guy with the sketchy beard."

"Sweet!" He grinned. "So we just got that skinny lady-one, right?"

"Yup, then we're totally donezos with this bunch!." Mabel put her children back in their stroller. "Think she's at the club on the east end of town?"

"She should be." Dipper double-checked the the meticulous notes he had taken over the course of several stakeouts.

Like a well-oiled machine, the paranormal investigators got ready for their final sting of the evening. Soos checked and readjusted the lights. Wendy checked the squirt guns of garlic juice they always had on hand just in case. While Mabel got her brother ready for his turn as their lure, she eagerly explained all the tricks of the trade to the next generation of Pines.

"...So the ones we've been going after all week are different from your classic Transylvania-y kinds." She explained to her wide-eyed little ones. "Those guys are pretty easy to catch with their weird old clothes and their accents. The others ones come in two types. The guy-ones all tend to be broody and hunky, but like in a creepy weird way. The girl-ones meanwhile have way too many curves, and they always go a little heavy with the makeup…"

While his hair was combed, Dipper wore an obviously uncomfortable frown. He couldn't help but play this role without feeling some guilt pangs. Wendy didn't take long to noticed, and assured him with a loving punch in the shoulder.

"Dude, chill. It's not cheating if she's trying to make a snack out of you." She reminded.

"I know, I know." He grinned sheepishly. "Still-"

"Hey, do you wanna go back to the old way?" She asked. He didn't even need a moment to think about it.

"Good point." He quickly conceded. Mabel nodded matter-of-factly to her tots in an aside.

"This used to be a way harder until we figured this little set-up out last summer. There's only so many times you can trick them into eating garlic bread before they starting getting wise to you…"


	4. I Am Number Four

Here you go, folks! Another chapter, another moment in time from this little future AU. Today is a bit of family fluff, written originally for **_BitterKnitter_**. You'll find all her old Gravity Falls stories in my "Favorites" - she's a friend and honestly speaking, the co-creator of sorts of the Future-Pines stories (giving some major overdue credit where it's due).

As usual, hope you enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

The expectant mother sat perched comfortably atop her sofa amid a messy nest of assorted pillows and blankets. As she watched TV her fingers expertly carrying on with her knitting like they had a mind of their own. The rhythmic clack of needles filled the air until she took a quick break.

"Soooo, what do you think? Looks good so far, huh?" Mabel asked the opinion of her swollen belly. She held up the half-done baby blanket for a few moments, then gave her stomach a gentle shake.

"It's awesome, Mommy!" She replied on behalf of one of her twins in a high-pitched squeak, eliciting an appreciative smile from herself. "Thanks! I think I should have this done by bedtime tonight. Then tomorrow I'll get to work on your sister's. You still want pink and purple stripes, Glad-Glad?"

She promptly switched to a slightly different shrill tone as she gave her stomach yet another shake. "Ummm, can I have blue stripes too, Mommy? Pleeeeeease?"

"No problemo, sweetie-" The one-sided conversation was interrupted by a familiar knock at the door. Mabel excitedly brightened up. "It's open!"

"Hey!" By the time Dipper come in from the garage, wormed his way through the kitchen and sauntered into the living room, his sister had only just awkwardly hefted herself up out of her seat with a dramatic grunt. But once she was on her feet the irrepressible woman still managed a bounce in her step.

"Hey there, brother! Long time no see!" Mabel eagerly tossed her arms around him. He awkwardly maneuvered his scrawny body as he returned the hug, taking over-cautious care to mind her stomach.

"How are you holding up?"

"We've all been doing great! The kids are still trying to get me as bloaty and puffy as possible, but hey, what're you gonna do?" She shrugged, then gave the bump a loving pat. "At least that means more ice cream for me!"

Finished with formalities, she then put her hands on her hips and cast her brother a mock-stern look. It had been no less than four days since she had last seen him, which was practically an eternity when your twin lived in the same town. "Now just where the heck have you been? One day you're here, and suddenly, whop! It's like you fell right off the face of the earth or something!"

"I told you. Work, remember?" He replied vaguely. "A couple things came up at the museum the last few days."

"More like a couple of jerks coming up with stupid things to do at the poo-seum." She cracked, followed by an affectionate boop on his nose. "I missed you, bro!"

It lasted for only a fleeting moment, but Dipper still easily caught the genuine relief in her voice . No one could deny that the single mother-to-be had been doing an incredible job of keeping her spirits up over the last few challenging months. In quick succession she had dealt with a surprise pregnancy, the father losing his nerves cowardly calling it quits, and still doing her sisterly duty to do her part to make sure her brother's wedding went off without a hitch.

But as extraordinary as both her optimism levels and devotion to her unborn children remained, family support had been essential in helping keep keep her emotionally and mentally together, not the least from her twin brother. As brief as his several-day absence absence had been, Dipper could tell that it had taken a slight toll. Dark circles under her eyes had hinted at a few rough nights as of late. Even though he had been gone for a good reason, he nevertheless winced with guilt. Now was definitely as good as any to segue into the hard-won surprise he had in store.

"Well after today, hopefully now you won't be missing me as much when I go away-" He began with a smile.

With all that she had been through lately, no one on the planet could have blamed Mabel for immediately feeling alarmed. A piteous whimper escaped her, signaling loud and clear to Dipper that he had chosen his words very poorly. A wave of panic blasted through the young man.

"Wait, wait, wait!" He frantically gestured as he backtracked. "Hold on, I mean that-"

"...You're leaving?" She whined. "Already? Wait, Why?"

"No, no! I'm not! I'm staying right here. I just wanted to-"

"You just said that you were going! You just said it, right to my face, Dipper!"

"I seriously didn't mean anything like-"

"But you just got back!" She shot him a betrayed look. "Why? What did I do to you?"

Dipper facepalmed so hard that the loud smack echoed through the whole little house. Once again, he had been as smooth as a jar of chunky peanut butter. "You know what? I'm just gonna bring him in. Wait, no, not him, I mean...nevermind, you're gonna see him soon anyway. Hold on."

The flustered young man hurried back outside through the kitchen. Mabel was left standing in her den to stew in confusion. The second she heard her brother trimp back inside, she pried, "Dipper? Why are you acting so-"

She heard the telltale grunt and automatically froze. In a heartbeat she found herself swimming in a mix of equal parts disbelief and frantic hope. Only one kind of wonderful animal on the planet made a noise like that. "Wait...is that a...is that a-"

Her gift oinked again. Elation overwhelmed her on the spot as she let out an ecstatic, earsplitting shriek. By the time Dipper huffed back in he found her so wound up that she was running actual laps around the living room in spite of her condition.

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!" Another joyous scream exploded out of her.

Dipper suddenly found himself empty-handed when she zoomed over and snatched up the adolescent pig squirming anxiously in his arms. Mabel bounced uncontrollably on her heels as she raised him high into the air. There was no doubt in her mind what she was going to name her new pet, and she christened the little animal without hesitation.

"Waddles the Fourth…." She whispered. Her glee continued to skyrocket, and for a couple seconds it honestly felt almost too wonderful to seem true. The incredulity-stricken woman gazed adoringly upon the pig while handling him like a holy relic.

Her present meanwhile seemed to be warming up to her quickly. As she gushed with affection, he quickly became infected with her joy. The little pig oinked happily, triggering another squeal out of her. Now that she was sure this was indeed fantastically real, she squished it into a tight hug.

"I'm so happy I feel like my brain's about to explode!" She proclaimed as loud as she could to the whole world. Mabel had started to literally tremble from the ecstasy that was coursing through every ounce of her heart and soul.

Dipper stood off to the side, drenched in relief while he observed the fruits of his labor. "Glad you like him-"

"Where did you get him? When? How? What is even going on here?" Mabel's excitement had reached such a fevered peak that she was barely understandable as she jabbered at a mile a minute, all the while furiously nuzzling her new pet.

"I-" He couldn't get out another syllable more before an epic hug around his neck briefly robbed the air from his body.

"Forget about it, doesn't matter! I have a Waddles! A new Waddles! An adorable brand new Waddles!" She had quickly decided she was far too ecstatic at the moment to deal with mere things like details. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! A million, billion, trillion, bazillion times thank youuuuu!" "

"Y-you're...you're w-welcome!" He was able to rasp only after she let him go. Before he could even get a moment to catch his breath, she tucked Waddles IV under her arm, nabbed him by the wrist and hauled them both off.

"C'mon! We gotta give this little guy the grand tour! All right, welcome to Casa de La Mabel! Don't worry, I know it's kind of quiet now, but trust me, things are going to get super fun in about two months when the babies finally get here. We'll talk more about that later! Anyway, let's start off in the kitchen. Here is where you'll get all your meals, and here's where you're going to find me making all kinds of tasty culinary masterpieces. Did I tell you that I make stuff? It's kind of my thing..."

The next few hours were spent enthusiastically showing the little animal around his new home, followed up by a mandatory round of playtime. Eventually, Mabel ended up thoroughly wearing out the both of them. The two ended up crashing together on the couch in an exhausted yet happy pile.

Dipper was drawing a blanket up over the dozing pair when company casually strode in. He could hear the door open, followed by the clomp of work boots in the kitchen. A mixed smell of sawdust and Thai take-out began to heavily fill the air.

"Hey!" Wendy poked into the den and dangled a hefty paper bag. "Picked up-"

Her husband pressed a finger to his lips. With lips zipped tight, she set dinner on the kitchen counter and carefully made her way to his side. Once there, all she took one glance at Mabel and Waddles IV curled up together and automatically burst out beaming so hard that she nearly strained the muscles in her mouth.

"Whoa. You seriously weren't kidding when you said you found the right one yesterday. This guy's like...oh man, he's perfect."

"Told you." Dipper wiped baggy eyes. His twin wasn't the only one feeling beat. It had taken him nearly four straight days of driving around and meticulously searching nearly every single farm and petting zoo in a three-county radius for 'the one.' Needless to say, it was a massive weight off his shoulders to see that he had chosen right.

Wendy stroked the dozy pig on its spot-splotched back. "Glad that farmer finally decided to let you buy him."

"Uhhhh." Dipper anxiously scratched his arm. "About that...actually, I was only able to talk him down to the point where he'd let me buy a pig, but not really this one. He said he was way too young."

His wife cocked an eyebrow. That certainly didn't make any sense. "Huh? Wait, so how'd you-"

"You know how I called Stan last night for bargaining tips?" He sighed guiltily. "He also gave me some...other ideas, just in case things didn't go as planned."

Her jade eyes widened. "Dude...are you telling me-"

"Yeah, it's exactly what you think. Grabbed the pig and booked it for the car." The memory of the desperate sprint was more than enough to work an exhausted groan out of him. His still-aching legs quivered a little on cue.

She had to chomp down hard on her lip in order to stifle a potentially nap-ruining burst of laughter. Thankfully Mabel remained fast asleep, and still wearing a smile big enough to light up an entire village. Once Wendy brought herself under control, she threw an arm around his shoulders and proudly squeezed him close.

"You're a good brother. You know that?" She cast another adoring gaze over the almost impossibly contented-looking pair.

"Good to hear." Dipper cracked an exhausted grin. "I need something to cancel out the fact that I definitely robbed someone today..."


	5. Two Through Three

"...One for me….and one for you! One for me….and one for you! One for me….." Mabel happily alternated through her takeout pad thai. She'd take a forkful for herself, then shovel the next into the bowl at her feet. The newest addition to the Pines clan, a little brown and pink splotched pig, would then gobble the lot up in a flash and then go back to patiently waiting for more. Every now and then she would take a pause to beam happily at her brother.

"Thank you, bro-bro!" She sincerely chirped for what must have been at least the thirtieth time that day. Dipper just nodded and smiled from his perch on her sofa.

"Glad you like him."

"I don't like him. I love him!" She corrected, and the mother-to-be immediately gave her swollen belly a rub and a reassuring coo. "Don't worry babies, it's not a contest. I love you to pieces too."

As much as Wendy Pines would've just liked to keep enjoying the sweet but low-key dinner in front of an awful monster movie, she couldn't help but let a question gnaw away at her. Between bites of spicy noodles she kept passing glances at Waddles IV and searching her memories. She tried her best, but she could only recall one other pig. It wasn't long until curiosity got to her. She just had to ask.

"Hey, Mabes?"

"Yeah?"

"This is Waddles IV, right?" Wendy clarified.

"That's his full name!" The brunette bubbled happily.

"Soooo…..if that's number four, then what happened to-" Her husband's eyes bulged with panic. Dipper hurriedly interrupted the question with a forced cough. She shot him a curious look before trying again. "What ever happened to-"

The young man let out another loud cough. Wendy however just cocked an eyebrow at him before she tried again. "What happened to Waddles-"

An increasingly desperate Dipper gave her a gentle elbow to the side, which proved to be a bad move on his part. He almost went sprawling off the couch when she gave him a frustrated sock to the shoulder.

"Hey, what gives?" she snapped.

"Whoa, hey!" Mabel finally noted something was up. "What's with you two? You're being totally cray-cray right now!"

"I don't know! All I want to know is what happened to Waddles II and III!" Too late did Wendy realize what Dipper had been trying to do. No sooner had she finished speaking when Mabel went crestfallen.

"...Oh." Her shoulders sagged, and the corners of her mouth were tugged down by a rush of unpleasant memories.

Regret quickly washed over Wendy. Not sure what to do, she shifted awkwardly in her seat and rubbed her husband's aching shoulder. "Uh...sorry, dude."

"It's okay. Never told you. My bad too." He replied through tightly gritted teeth, then added appropriately, "Ow."

A deeply uncomfortable silence now settled on Mabel's living room. As if sensing her sudden woe, Waddles IV oinked and gave his new owner a gentle proud in the leg with his snout. Thankfully, one look down into his beady black eyes was all she needed to get her good spirits back on track.

"Awww! Lookit you and your little chubby piggy cheeks!" A fresh toothy smile popped onto her face as she swept up the pudgy little animal and into a hug. As she cuddled him, she chirped, "You're like a cure for sadness!"

Both Wendy and Dipper shared a sigh of relief. The lanky redhead now fiddled with a lock of hair as she weakly cracked, "So should I just like, shut up for the rest of the night?"

Dipper exchanged looks with his sister. After a moment's thought, Mabel greenlighted an explanation with a nod. "It's okay. It was just a major rough patch we had."

"What happened?"

"It was the summer before our senior year in college. You know, that one you spent up at your cousin's lumberyard?" Dipper asked. "We were spending a couple weeks at the Shack. When...well it was just two months before when…."

He paused, not sure how to best phrase the passing of a beloved family pet. Mabel finally put it gently, "I thought it was time to get out of Sadville and move on."

"So we went to that farm on the edge of town. You know, the one that used to have the weird petting zoo?" He continued. "And so we're at the pig pen, and...there was this one waaay in the back."

"Okay, so picture this. She was all small and shivery and curled up in the corner, with no even one bristly hair on her body." Mabel took up the story again, cutting in with the smooth ease only twins could manage. "And I was looking at her and I thought, hey, who needs a loving Mabel more than this little piggy? Absolutely no one, that's who. So we took her back to the Shack. Tasty food, lots of lullabies and rest, wheeling her around outside for lots of sunshine and fresh air... "

"Taking turns cradling it to sleep at night," Dipper seemed to get exhausted just thinking about it. A shudder ran through his body. "And ointment. So much ointment….I can still feel its leathery skin in my hands."

"Yikes." Wendy grimaced. "So how long did she last?"

"Okay so after a week, we weren't seeing a big Mabel difference. Grunkle Stan got sick of staying up late with her, so we finally went to the vet. And that's when things…" Mabel trailed off, sighed, but then planted on a weak smile. "I had to say goodbye pretty soon after that. But the good news is that she got the help she needed, and ended up living with lots of friends in a big, fluffy loving flock."

"...Flock?" Her sister in law repeated curiously.

"Yeah." Dipper awkwardly affirmed. "That sheep had some real serious health issues."

Again, a deafening silence settled upon them, broken only Waddles' ravenous scarfing when Mabel passed him a dumpling.

"Oh….uuggghhhh." Wendy made a face. "Uh, no offense Mabes."

"It's okay, I got my happy ending too!" The brunette adoringly hugged her pet again. "Didn't she?"

After taking her family for an unpleasant stroll down memory lane, Wendy really wanted to leave it at that. Unfortunately, she had only gotten half her story. "So...wasn't there a third one?"

"We kind of asked for it when we went back to the same farm later." Mabel admitted with an embarrassed titter. "It was a pretty weird summer."

She then turned back to her pig, ruffled his ears and joked, "Maybe we should call you Waddles II on a technicality."

"...Okay, what's that supposed to mean? Wendy pried, despite not being sure whether she wanted to know.

Dipper mulled over how to best put it, and finally asked his bewildered wife, "You ever seen a bald pug before?"

"_What_? What are you...dude, no."

"Well neither had we before then, so…."


	6. Arrivals

"...Okay, babies….it's almost time. You remember the game plan, right? We need everything to go niiiiice and smoothly today. Now, I don't want to pressure you or anything. But if you just give me a good effort while Mommy does her best, then I think we should all be just fine. Okay?"

The young woman pat her swollen stomach as she murmured to herself. Finally, she was on the precipice of the moment that she had been waiting for with both the utmost excitement and impatience for the past several months. While she was being driven to the hospital she had almost turned into enthusiasm personified, and actually had to be warned sharply by her neurotic twin about bouncing too hard in her seat as she rocked out to pop tunes on the radio.

Since she had arrived at the maternity ward few hours ago though, her initial glee had been slowly ground down by a relentlessly growing worry. As Mabel lay in the hard hospital bed, clad in only a thin gown and prepped to deliver soon in an operating room, the single mother-to-be strove valiantly to keep herself together.

"...And once you get out, we'll do everything we've been planning on." She reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the sizable list done up in bright glittery blue ink. "See? I've been scoping out all the best places around town to take you two for walks, picked which books I'll read to you at night, thought up all the tasty things you can help Mommy plant in her garden….well, probably not right after you come out, what with teensy hands. You know what, we should move that one a couple spots further down the list for later-"

The paper crumbled violently in her hands as another contraction came on. Mabel gripped the sides of her bed, grit her teeth tightly and braced herself. "Ow…..ow….ow….stupid….hurt-y….birth-y pain!"

Thankfully although she was a single parent-to-be, she was anything but alone. There was a distant curse from down the hallway, following by the squeak of sneakers as someone booked it at top speed. Dipper was heaving for breath when he returned to the tiny room. He could have sworn that he had timed his bathroom break perfectly, but apparently he'd been off. In a flash he was at her side.

"Sorry!" He gasped. "I-"

She instinctively grabbed his hand with a grunt. For a moment all he could do was bit down on his lip and muffle an agonized yelp as she squeezed his fingers to the point of breaking. After what felt like an eternity, much to their shared relief it finally passed.

"H-how are you holding up?" He checked, just as he had been doing pretty much every ten minutes for the last several hours.

"I'm okay." She reflexively replied, still trying her best to keep optimistic. "Getting more and more achy all over with the labor pains, but it's what a mommy needs to do, right? Yeah, I just have to get through this gross and painful part, and then it'll be nothing but fun family times from here on out….it won't be that bad at all, it's…"

The stress was fast reaching a fever peak. There was a prickle in her eyes, followed in turn by a warm streak trickling down one of her rosey cheeks.

"Hey, it's-" Dipper tried to comfort her.

"Dipper? Am I happy-crying or scared-crying right now?" The anxiety-stricken woman wiped her face. "I-I can't tell!"

"Uh, I-"

"No wait, I changed my mind. Don't tell me, especially if it's the second one" She begged shamelessly.

At the moment, Dipper felt like anything but a rock of assurance. As a chronic overthinker, he had long since imagined every possible worst-case scenario, mentally replayed them countless times and had even already knitted together several contingency plans just in case his worst fears came to fruition today. Yet as his sister gazed expectantly upon him with wide and wet brown eyes, he knew that he had to do _something_ for her. His mind raced a mile a minute.

"Okay, hold on." The young man hurtled from the room, temporarily leaving her alone. Mabel anxiously drummed her fingers on her stomach as she waited.

"Your uncle is so weird." She remarked to her unborn little ones, then tried to get a good look out into the hallway. "Where do you think he went?"

After her winded twin returned a few minutes later, he spent a good thirty seconds catching his breath, wiping the sweat from his face and gesturing wordlessly for her to wait. Once ready, he dug something from his pocket.

"I brought this...j-just in case." The small blue jewel shined brilliantly in his hand as he explained. "Okay, so do you remember that time Gideon lured us down into the caves under Miner's Peak?"

She recalled that particular adventure with a wordless nod, and he continued, "Okay, so right after we got away that gang of mole people, I found this lying around in one of the tunnels. I didn't know what it was at the time, and it was only a couple days later that I actually looked it up. Journal Number three claims that this jewel has a rare, one-time power. If you say the right incantation written, then it will grant you one-time protection from-"

His tale of adventure and ancient magic was derailed when she cracked up with a flurry of hoarse giggles. Soon, a weary smile was working its way across her face from cheek to cheek. Mabel smacked him in the shoulder before calling him out. "You stupid lying dork!"

Dipper groaned defeatedly. "Okay, was I that obvious?"

"Totally! If you had really found something that awesome, I would have found out about it. I _always_ find out." She boasted. "What is that, anyway? It doesn't even look magick-y at all!"

"...It's...one of Wendy's earrings I got out of the car." Dipper confessed with a chuckle as his plan collapsed under the weight of its own absurdity. The tiny room filled with their shared laughter.

"This is the stupidest thing." She giggled. "Like, the stupidest. Even worse when you let Bill steal your body the second time."

"Hey c'mon. This is seriously the best that I can do right now." He retorted in honest defense.

"Yeah, and your best was a dumb idea for poop-heads." She shot back. "Now you never get to live this down ever."

"Well…" He cleverly turned things around. "Then making fun of me over this is one more thing you can look forward to after we get through everything today."

"...It is, actually." She let out a noise that was equal parts sniffle, equal parts snicker. "Dipper?"

"Yeah?"

Mabel wiped her eyes as they began to water up again. "I'm pretty sure that the tears are happy tears right now."

"Let's go with that." He pat her shoulder. "Just remember this. Whatever happens, I'm right here. You know that, right?"

"I know." She said in a grateful but husky whisper.

"C'mon. We got this. Mystery Twins, remember?" He opened up his hands, and she recognized the gesture in a heartbeat.

"Mystery Twins." She happily joined him.

"Blip, blap, bloopity bloop, twins! _Thbbbt_!" The two chimed together as they performed the familiar pattern of slaps and finger wiggles.

"Awww, cute." Wendy returned from her trip to the vending machines with chip crumbs on her shirt and a grin on her face. "So how are we holding up in here?"

"Okay for now." Her husband updated her.

"Doing all right." Mabel flashed a thumbs up.

"All right? Seriously?" The lanky redhead could see that Dipper had helped out with some classic heartwarming sibling support. Now it was time to do her part. "Man, I thought you'd be doing way better than that. We only have a little longer before the kids show up, and you've been talking a big game for months."

"Hey, I'm still excited!" Mabel sat up a little straighter.

"Doesn't sound like it to me." Wendy teased. "Good thing at least one of us is stoked. Soon as they get here, Aunt Wendy's gonna hold the crap out of them."

"Nuh-uh! I'm doing all the hard work today, so I get total cuddling dibs!" Her sister-in-law defiantly announced. "I'm going to hold my squishy little babies, count their teensy tiny toes and fingers, stroke their soft little heads…."

"Sounds like someone's got a plan." Her sister-in-law continued to expertly pump her up.

"Yeah I do! Walks, cooking stuff, lullabies, story-time…." As Mabel rapidly and excitedly listed off all the activities that she had in store, Wendy passed Dipper a wink.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" She clapped her hands. "Alright Mabes, who's ready to be an awesome mom?"

"Not just an awesome mom!" Mabel was quick to correct. "The BEST mom!"

"Yeah you are! Okay, so who's going to be the best mom?"

"Me! Mabel is!" she vigorously punched the air.

"That's it!" Wendy began to pump her fists. "Ma-bel, Ma-bel, Ma-bel-Ma-bel, Ma-bel…."

"...Ma-bel! Ma-bel! Ma-bel! Ma-bel!" Mabel joined in on the chant. Soon she was hopelessly jazzed up from the burst of adrenalin now coursing through her veins. "Look out out, birthing process! Here comes Mabel Pines!"

Giggling uncontrollably, she leapt from bed and charged out into the hallway. Dipper and Wendy gawked slack-jawed at one another.

"...Where did she just go?" He demanded frantically.

"I have no idea." She deadpanned right back.

The panicked couple then tore from the room like it was going up in flames all around them. Thankfully it was only a few seconds before they returned supporting a very apologetic mother-to-be between them.

"I'm sorry." Mabel was bright red. "I don't know what I was trying to do there…"

* * *

"Uuugggh….c'mon…." Stan grumbled under his breath yet again.

The long drive down from Oregon into northern California in Soo's crowded and rickety pickup had felt like an uncomfortable eternity. When he had finally arrived, he soon found out from a hurried one-minute conversation with Dipper that he had to wait even longer, and of course no one knew how many many more gut-gripping hours that would take.

At this point he was convinced that the hard molded chair was about to fuse with his back. He shifted uncomfortably as he glanced to the clock. It had been two hours since he had been updated. In the meantime all he could do was continue to sit there, ignore his many aches, help keep watch over his grand-niece's pet pig, and reply back to his twin's ceaseless texts.

"No word...about...anything...yet.." He murmured as he typed out another message to Ford. After sending it off, he checked the clock yet again and sighed impatiently.

"Don't worry, Stan." Soos leaned over and smiled. "She'll be fine."

The old man's worry lessoned, but only because he was now more focused with the chubby hand patting his upper thigh. "Soos, you have one second to stop that."

"It'll be just fine." Soos repeated himself again as he did his best to be a bastion of comfort.

"It's been longer than one second..." He warned testily. Melody gave her husband a small nod.

"Soos?" She spoke up. "I think he's good."

"Hold on, Corn Chip, just want to make sure he's all set." The overly good-intentioned man then continued to lay on the comfort much too heavily. "Don't worry Stan, Mabel's gonna be okay."

Stan was saved from further awkwardness when triumphant whoop swept on down the hallway. They all looked up to see a lanky redhead racing to meet them.

"It's a boy!" Wendy cackled so hard with laughter that she sounded like she had gone mad. "And a girl!"

"Oh my God, it was twins the whole time?!" Soos rocketed to his feet and sent a startled Waddles IV tumbling off his lap.

"Wait, what are you...?" Dipper nursed a badly aching hand as he caught up. "It was always twins. We've known that for months."

"Sorry, dudes! And double-sorry, pig-dude!" The giant marshmallow made sure to apologize to the little pig at his feet. "I just...I just don't believe it….Hambone's really a mom now, and...she's got little Hambones of her own, and….and….I'm sorry dudes…."

"How's Mabel doing?" Stan checked.

"And the kids?" Melody asked eagerly.

"Mabel's good." Dipper gave them weary smile of assurance. "The twins are good too. They came out half an hour ago, and they've all been doing just fine."

Melody clenched her hands and did a little jump of delight. Stan guffawed as he slapped one of his boney knees.

"Ha! I knew those quack doctors wouldn't get the best of her!"

"Yeah, whatever." Wendy laughed, giving the old man a pass. "It was seriously the craziest thing. She just powered through each one, right after the other-"

The air was briefly stolen from her lungs as a joyously overwhelmed Soos attempted to sweep everyone present clan into crushing hug. "Oh dudes, I'm….I-I'm just so wicked happy now, I'm gonna….I just….hold on, I have to…"

He didn't try to restrain himself in the slightest before he started to blubber away. A minute later, Stan finally managed to wheeze, "Uh, Soos?"

"It's okay, I-I'm not ashamed." Sobbed the chubby man. "This is only because I'm happy. This is like, so crazy amazing, I….I-I don't care who knows!"

"We're all happy too. Now if you could just…." Melody maneuvered his pillowy arms loose with experienced ease and freed everyone.

"S-sorry. Just super emotional right now….oh man….l" He continued to sniffle uncontrollably. "So, does Mabel and her little dudes gotta like, rest and stuff, or c-can we see them now?"

"You sure can!" A hoarse, but joy-drenched squeak replied. It was mostly with shock that they turned and laid eyes on the new mother proudly standing right there before them, clad in just her thin gown and a hospital robe. Mabel was practically glowing with unchecked ecstasy as she lovingly cuddled a whimpering swaddled lump of a newborn in each arm.

"Hi, family! Presenting to you all for the first time, I give you Finn and Gladys Pines! Aren't they they the most perfect things you've ever seen?" She gave each one of her children a nuzzle. "No need to answer that, we already know that. Don't we? Yes we do, babies! Yes we do! Who's glad to finally have you out here and hanging with the rest of us? Mommy is! Yes she is!"

"Wait…." Wendy's eyes bugged as she realized what she was looking at. "Wait...oh my God! Mabes, you're-"

"MABEL!" Dipper squawked in panic. "You should be in bed! W-what are you doing out here?"

"Showing off my sweeties, obviously!" She replied matter of factly. "Family, babies. Babies, family. Over there is your Uncle Dipper and your Aunt Wendy, but you met them already in the delivery room. Plus, you already heard them talk a billion times while you were still inside-babies. Now over here's your Uncle Soos…"

"If being totally precious was money, they'd be millionaires already…." Soos babbled breathlessly in adoring awe. He brushed their tiny cheeks with the tips of his fingers as if each one was a holy relic.

"Thanks Soos! And here's the love of his life, your Aunt Melly."

"Mabel, you really should….be back in…." Melody trailed off as she became temporarily distracted by the adorably tiny little tots.

"And here's your great-great Uncle Stan, or your Gregrunkle Stan, as you'll call him…."

"We can talk about that name later." Stan managed to lodge a gentle protest as he tried to turn her back towards the delivery ward. "Kid, you probably shouldn't be out here-"

"Too late, they're calling you that forever now!" Mabel happily proclaimed before continuing on with the massive introduction system on behalf of her children. "Now there's usually two of Stan, but you'll have to wait a little until your Gregrunkle Ford joins us from the sciency trip he was out on. And last but not least, this chubby gentlemen here is Waddles, our pig! Waddles the Fourth, actually, but we don't go for fancy names around here."

"Mabel, c'mon." Dipper took her by the shoulders. "You really, really need to go back to-"

"Hold on, they still need to meet their pet!" She wriggled away. "Waddles, look! These are the little sweethearts that have been sitting in my belly all this time! See? Aren't they just the-"

She had managed to bend halfway down before her legs buckled a little. Thankfully, several pairs of hands instinctively shot out and caught her in time.

"Are you okay?" Melody checked.

"Uhhhh….doesn't look like it." She understated sweetly. "I'm the happiest ever, but I'm also the sorest ever right now. Really sore, and really, really, really….e-everything's kind of hurting right now."

"All right, let's get her up off her feet." Her brother took frantic command as they all hurriedly mobilized. "Maybe we could carry...no, wait...okay, got it! Soos, you and I are….yeah, if you could….and Wendy, can you…."

In a few moments the guys had assembled an arm throne to bear her aloft, with Melody Wendy spotting. Stan took up the rear, supporting himself on his cane and hefting Waddles IV along under one arm. Together they created what was probably the oddest procession that ever marched down that hallway.

"Excuse us….sorry….excuse us…." Dipper murmured to all the curious onlooker that had to move aside. "Mabel, you doing alright?"

"I'm on top of the world!" she cheered, thoroughly enjoying both the ride and the attention it called to her. "Everyone, check this out! All hail the cutest beings in the entire universe! All hai-whoops!"

"Sorry!" Wendy hastily formed an improvised backrest with her hands. "Better?"

"All better!" Thoroughly secured, she turned her attention back to her precious newborns. A shiver of delight raced down her spine as the smitten woman gazed lovingly upon them. "It's okay babies, we're all right….our family's got us now….they're great at this kind of stuff…."


	7. The Most Important Meal of the Day

Dipper Pines cracked open an eye, leaned over and checked the time. As he struggled to make out the numbers on the bedside clock, he could feel his wife instinctively close the distance as she curled close. Once he registered the hour, he happily let his heavy lids crash back shut. They didn't have to do a single thing anytime soon.

The idyllic Sunday morning sleep-in was brought to a sudden end when a barrage of pounding exploded at the door. It sounded like someone was trying to batter their way into the apartment. Dipper shot up with such a violent start that he sent himself tumbling out of bed with a mighty thud.

"...Ow."

The thudding at the door continued nonstop.

"_BEAR_!" A half-awake Wendy yelped. For a couple terrifying moments the confused woman thought it was a fateful Christmas day and she was a mere nine years old all over again. Her jade green eyes darted wildly around the bedroom as she flailed for a weapon.

"WENDY! DIPPER!" Mabel's muffled yells reached their ears. "COME QUICK!"

At the sound of his sister's voice, Dipper was up on his feet and moving like an adrenaline shot had been pumped directly into his heart.

"GUYS! GUYS! OPEN UP!" Mabel continued to yell. "OPEN THE DOOR! HURRY!"

"I'm coming!" For good measure the young man dashed to his closet, dragged out a battered chest and hastily equipped himself. It was better to be safe than sorry; emergencies in their particular family tended to come in pretty bizarre forms.

"DIPPERRRRRRRRR!"

"Hold on!" Within moments later he had of couple heads of garlic and a stake shoved in the pockets of his pajama pants, a protective Navajo talisman around his neck, and a spray bottle of holy water at the ready. Moving quick as the wind he then charged through the apartment and breathlessly hurled open the door. "What?! What is it?!"

The fat smile stretching across the width of Mabel's face instantly told him that she was in no danger, unless one counted the risk of exploding under the force of her own joy. She practically quivered with barely restrained anticipation as she rolled in a double stroller.

"I just couldn't wait!" The young woman excitedly gushed. "I seriously couldn't! I know it's still a week away and everything, but I just had to show you guys! It's amazing! It's a creative masterpiece!"

"...Huh?" Dipper bent over to catch his breath. "Show us what?"

"What's happening?" Wendy gasped as she joined them. When she saw that there was no emergency, she heaved in relief and casually put her hatchet down next to the car keys.

"I made their very first Halloween costumes last night! Look! Look!" Mabel was swollen with pride as she displayed the little ones for her sister-in-law and brother. Each of her wide-eyed twins was wearing a snow-white onesie dotted with a big bright yellow circle on their bellies. Both Finn and Gladys also had matching white hats on top their little heads to complete their outfits.

"Hold on, they're just the centerpieces! Wait for it….waaaait for it…." With a flourish, Mabel dug out a red and white checkered apron that she quickly strung around her waist. To finish the spectacle, she picked up the pet pig standing obediently standing by her side and held Waddles IV up next to the children.

"Presenting for your adoring pleasure; I give you….bacon and eggs!" She then chomped tightly onto her lip as she eagerly waited for their reaction. Her toothy grin now threatened to encompass her entire face.

Once the initial surprise wore away and she realized what she was looking at, Wendy lost it on the spot. A loud snort rumbled out before she descended into a laughter-fit.

"Yeah, this is definitely my new favorite thing" She decided without a second thought.

"Told you it couldn't wait!" Mabel then turned expectantly to her twin. "What's your verdict, bro-bro?"

Dipper continued staring incredulously at her through saggy sleep-heavy eyes. Finally he announced in a groggy mumble, "...I'll go make some coffee."

"Sounds good! But I expect lots of praise later, sleepyhead!" Mabel turned her attention to her children. "Who wants to help mommy make pancakes for your uncle and auntie? You do! Yes you dooooo! Oh yes you do…" "

Dipper meanwhile had only just sleepily navigated himself towards the kitchen when his wife delivered affectionate elbow to the side.

"Dude, c'mon. You know you love it." Wendy laughed and flashed a matter of fact smile. Dipper begged to differ with a whopping yawn.

"Not before seven o'clock, I can't…."


	8. Not Quite the Same

A fresh golden summer morning had dawned upon the Mystery Shack. But as usual the beauty of the day was initially lost on one Stanford Pines. Leaning heavily on his eight-ball cane, the doozy old man hobbled into the kitchen, flailed for the coffee pot, and as soon as realized there wasn't a drop to be found he promptly left the room with a gruff grumble. Throughout the spectacle the cranky grump didn't even so much as give a nod to his visiting great-nephew or grand-niece.

"Sorry, Grunkle Stan." Dipper apologized as he continued to hunt through the age worn cabinets. "I'll get the coffee on soon."

Mabel was seated at the rickety table, busy feeding her little twins their breakfast. As she got her son started on a bottle of formula, she chirped confusedly "Didn't we get more yesterday?"

"That's what I thought." He sighed as he checked on top of the fridge again. The young man hoped he could find it soon. Not only would Stan remain a grouchy zombie without it, but he could absolutely forget about getting Wendy out of bed. When he last saw her fifteen minutes ago it looked like on of those mornings where she wasn't going to budge unless she smelled the first cup of the day. He wracked his brain. "Where could it be…."

"Maybe you put it in the fridge by accident?" His sister suggested.

"I already checked there."

"How about that shelf? That one there."

"Already looked."

"Did you look in the-" The conversation was suddenly interrupted by a disembodied cackle that echoed from out of nowhere.

"_**YOU FOOLS**_!" A nasally voice scornfully boomed at them. Right above the table there was a burst of bright purple flames, which swirled and burned with an energy that was clearly not of this earth.

Despite the fact that a supernatural phenomenon was clearly occurring right in front of their faces, once their got over their initial surprise the twins didn't react with the slightest trace of alarm. Mabel's eyes actually brightened up with anticipation of their incoming guest. Dipper meanwhile just rolled his eyes as he resumed his search.

"Great. And here we go again…." He mumbled unenthusiastically.

"That's right! Guess who, mortals!" The circle of fire vanished in a puff of smoke as their otherworldly visitor popped into view. Its two-dimensional hexagon body glided smoothly through the air, unencumbered by natural physics.

"Hey Phil." Dipper said distractedly as he passed it by.

"Hi Phil!" Mabel bid the familiar one-eyed face a much cheerier greeting.

"Hey guys!" He returned her enthusiastic chirp with a friendly wave. He then quickly remembered that he was supposed to be intimidating them. "Uh, yes, it's me! The great and almighty Phil! And once again, you two have played right into….my...hand!"

For effect he displayed a straight flush from out of thin air, only to have several of the playing cards immediately spill from his butterfinger grasp onto the floor. Mabel broke out into a fierce fit of the giggles at his fumbling antics. Hurriedly he stowed the rest away as he struggled to maintain an imposing presence. "So as I was saying….I now have you two right where I want you!"

"Ooooh, and how'd you do that?" She asked with the same sense of amused anticipation that one would use when talking to a toddler. "Did you spring a trap? A curse?"

"Hey, hold on, I'm getting to it!" He whined, took a moment to readjust his threadbare fedora, then continued his imposing speech. "Soon you two will know the true meaning of what it means to be really, really….uhhh...wait…"

His memory temporarily failed him. As he floated around, struggling to recall his lines he looked to Mabel and asked sheepishly, "Uh, sorry. I thought I had this down. Um…..do-over?"

"Sure!" She politely obliged.

"Thanks. Soon, you two will know the true meaning of what it means to have….wait, no. Okay, let me take that from the top again-"

"Hey, found the coffee!" Dipper triumphantly retrieved a small can from beneath the sink.

"Weird. How'd it end up down there?" Mabel wondered. The demonic polygon burst out laughing with fiendish triumph.

"Fools!" He did a mid-air victory dance. "That's because I was the one who moved it! Me! Now what do you have to say to that, Two-Eyes?"

"I dunno..." Dipper couldn't help but grimace. The little demon's painfully uncreative nicknaming skills still left so much to be desired. "I meant, it's taking a little longer than I planned to get the coffee on, but besides that it's not that big of a…."

The interdimensional being's face fell with disappointment. Mabel silently gestured to her twin, who let out a heavy sigh before humoring their visitor. "I mean….oh nooo, what a huge disaster."

"Ahaha!" Phil happily bought into the listless act. "That's right! And once again, you and Brown-Hair been bested by me! Meeee!"

He was so caught up in his perceived triumph that he temporarily forgot that he could skip across dimensions with ease. He sailed over to the window, which he didn't realize was closed until he smacked into it with a loud bang.

"Whoops! Here, let me get that." Mabel offered to help as she struggled to suppress another burst of laughter. She tucked her son into one arm and undid the latch. "There you go, friend!"

"Uh, thanks. Now where was I….oh yeah! Your day has been ruined, and it's all thanks to me! Meeeeee! Meeeeeeeeee!" He continued to chant as he floated away. "Enjoy your late coffee, chumps! Ahahaha! _Ahahahahahahahaha_!"

Off he backed into the surrounding woods, hitting several branches along the way in his attempt to make a dramatic exit. Together the twins watched as he vanished ungraciously from view.

"...Well that was pointless as usual." Dipper remarked. They heard a distant yelp as the low-quality replacement accidentally backed into the trunk of an evergreen.

"Says you. I can't think of a better way to start the day." As usual, Mabel had enjoyed the unintentional comedy to no end. The young mother lifted her little son into the air and began cooing playfully to him. "He's always just a big six-sided silly, huh? Isn't that right, hun-bun? Yes he is! Yes he is!"

"If you ask me, it was only funny the first three or four times." Her brother honestly opined. As he got started on throwing breakfast together he admitted, "You know that there are some days where he almost makes me wish we never defeated his cousin? Not even joking."

"Counterpoint," His sister differed with a smirk. "He's still a total upgrade, and you know it, bro-bro…."


	9. From One Generation to the Next

"Hey, what are you_-NO_!"

The cookout had abruptly taken a disastrous turn, or at least it had for one of the assembled Pines. As soon as Stanley started slapping down the beef patties onto the grill, his brother hustled over as fast as aged joints would allow and grabbed him firmly by the wrist with a six-fingered hand.

"What's your deal?" He turned and gruffly demanded.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Stanford Pines indignantly protested. "Okay first, you made the patties round, not square with grooves down the center. Second, it looks like you're definitely not timing those at all-"

Stanford cut him off. "I'm grillmaster today, I'm in charge of the burgers, end of story. So just relax, will ya?"

"How many times do I have to say it? I've literally done the actual research, and it's the most efficient way to cook them. It's fact." His brother declared flatly. "Tested fact."

"Okay, maybe, but if I try and do all that nerd stuff then it's gonna be an extra hour until we finally eat." Stan shot right back. "We're cooking them my way today, end of story."

"Oh wonderful. So charred outsides and raw center." Ford sarcastically remarked with a heavy roll of his eyes. "I can't wait."

"Well excuuuuuse me." His sibling replied tit for tat. "Would your royal majesty like it if I….."

As the two old men argued with one another, their great niece and nephew were helping prepare the rest of their outdoor supper. Dipper had just finished laying out paper plates at everyone's place when his sister popped out of the Mystery Shack to set a massive bowl onto the creaky old picnic table.

"Bam-ba-da-daaaaaaa!" She trumpeted proudly. "Get ready to have your taste buds' minds blown in the most refreshing way imaginable! Presenting my Pizzazz Pasta Salad!"

"Oh, no." Her brother immediately spotted the flecks of color liberally sprinkled everywhere on top of the the dish. He picked one out and held it up to her. "What's this?"

"Sprinkles!" She said matter of factly.

"How many times do I have to say it?" He tried reminding her. "If you want them with dinner, fine. But just put them in a bowl for yourself or something-"

"And I told you, if I do that then I'll just look like I'm being greedy." she speedily replied. "This way everyone gets some!"

"Okay, and why would we want that?" Dipper demanded.

"Look how they up a dish from normal to amazing! You get color for some extra nice presentation, and a little bit of sweetness. Now we have a party in a bowl!" She enthusiastically explained.

"I'll pass." He said as he made a face. "Seriously, you might as well have put some glitter in there."

"Funny that you mentioned that!" She laughed and pointed to the light sparkling shimmer on top of the dish. "I had a little kitchen-oops and got some in there. But don't worry about it!"

"Mabel, are you kidding?" Groaned her increasingly exasperated twin.

"Calm down, it's only pasta salad, bro-bro! Not like you've ever been able to taste it before, anyway!"

"Wait….wait how…" Dipper was taken aback by this sudden revelation. "Okay, just how much glitter have accidently eat over the years-"

"Not too much! And you didn't taste it alllll those other times, so this won't be any different! Here, have some now! You'll see!" She dug out a forkful and confidently steered it towards his mouth. "Try it! You'll love it!"

"No, I'm not-" He tried backing away.

"Here comes the Yum-Yum train, Dipper!" She laughed, steering the fork toward his mouth. "On it's way to Tummy-Town! Due in the station at now-o'clock!"

"Hey!" Dipper seized a bun and hurled it at her as hard as his scrawny noodles arms would allow. Mabel giggled as the bread bounced harmlessly off her face. It was so on now.

"Whoo-whoo!" She pulled an imaginary whistle and went on the attack again.

As two generations of identical siblings raised a royal racket together, a lanky redhead sat on the nearby porch, casually sipping a beer while she watched. When it became clear that the familial chaos wasn't going to diminish any time soon, Wendy glanced down at the two one-year-old twins playing on a blanket at her feet.

It didn't take her long to make an executive decision. With speedy ease the dutiful aunt slipped her sandals back on and picked up her niece and nephew. Once she had a baby popped onto each hip she was then off to find their stroller.

"All right," She announced to the little ones. "Time to take you guys for a walk before you get infected…."


	10. Breakout - Part 1

Here's my first future multi-parter, comin' at you folks. This was based off a suggestion from a reader (embarrassingly enough, it's one whose name I can't currently recall, and whose specific reviews/PMs I can't find - if you think this is yours, please let me know so I can I'll pass on credit accordingly!). We'll see how it goes, and as usual I hope you all enjoy!

* * *

When the Zen Sushi Bar had opened its doors at the start of the summer it quickly becoming popular with locals and passing tourists alike. Almost all who passed through its doors immediately fell in love with a tasty menu sourced almost entirely with ingredients from the Pacific Northwest. The restaurant prided itself on serving only fresh and local food, and those who wanted something a littler fresh were in for a particular treat, as long as they were willing to pay for it. They could choose their meal personally from the large tank that faced out of the massive front window into Main Street like a small aquarium exhibit. Any fish that looked appetizing enough to a patron with the cash to afford it would be quickly gutted, sliced, and hand rolled into bite-sized delicacies all in the same time it took to get a burger at Greasy's Diner.

As far as most people were concerned, the restaurant added quite a bit of a classy boost to the sleepy town of Gravity Falls. But not everyone was wowed, however. There was at least one strong critic of the restaurant's devotion for fresh food. However, that was mainly because he currently found himself on the wrong side of the menu.

"...I'll take….." A well-to-do gentleman perused the tank's current selection. He lingered on one particularly odd-looking fish for a good twenty seconds. The "fish" in turn gazed right back in utter horror. Finally though the man quickly decided that he'd be far better off with a smaller choice. "I'll take that salmon there."

"Excellent choice!" With speedy efficiency a waiter scooped in a massive net and fished out the meal-to-be. When the two left, the tank's largest occupant let out a bubbling sigh of relief.

"Close. Too close." He murmured under his breath. Now that he was safe at least until the next wealthy restaurateur came around, he started anxiously stroking his finely groomed as he wracked his brain.

This was certainly a fine mess, to put it criminally lightly. Mermando silently cursed both the fisherman's nets that had snagged him off the shore and his own carelessness. He wasn't a mere happy-go-lucky youth. He should have known so much better than to let his guard down near the Oregonian shore. That was a mistake worthy only of a mindless salmon, not a prince of the sea. Unfortunately, no amount of regret was going to help him now. He had already been caught, shipped away on an ice-packed truck and now here he was, on the verge of being served rolled up with rice alongside a side of wasabi and ginger.

"Which one would you like?" Another waiter appeared, this time with an eager-eyed family. That meant a whole pack of empty stomachs.

All seventeen of his hearts immediately began pounding a mile a minute as panic surged through him body. The half-man, half-fish instinctively looked for cover. However, although the tank was big enough to be a small aquarium exhibit, it held nothing save unlucky denizens from the sea and rivers. There was simply nowhere to hide, and no one in there stuck out more than he.

"How about that big tuna there?" Marveled the wife, and the fish-man's terror doubled on the spot.

"I dunno." Her husband thankfully begged to differ. "I don't like the looks of those fins. See how long they are? It….it looks a little sickly."

"Oh all right. We'll take that small tuna there and that salmon." She conceded. The net dipped in twice, and the population of the tank quickly shrank by two. Once again he had cheated death. For now.

His tail fretfully flicked as he pondered. Lucky for him, so far everyone who had laid eyes on him had all mistaken him for nothing more than a large ugly fish. Frankly he didn't understand how that had been possible, but now really wasn't the time to question the average intelligence of the locals. At least his people were all safe. Well, excluding present company.

He of course wasn't planning on being anyone's expensive lunch. But what could he do? Leaping from the tank and trying to flop his way to freedom was out of the question. If the restaurant staff didn't catch the loose "fish", then he probably wouldn't be able to flop halfway down the block before suffocating. He could speak up and protest, but who knows what kind of attention that would draw to the mer-people. Perhaps he could-

"Hi Misteh Mewmaid!" A friendly chirp cut through his thoughts, followed by another.

"Hiiiii!"

He pressed his face against the glass and peered outside. Shock struck him several times in a row. The two toddlers standing on the sidewalk had clearly been able to recognize him for what he was. Not only that, but he wasn't spooking them in the slightest. The little ones intently gazed upon him like nothing could be more normal.

Most striking of all however were their faces. He needed only to glimpse once at those deep brown eyes, rosy cheeks and toothy smiles for the past to suddenly come roaring to him with the strength of a tidal wave. Suddenly he was neck-deep in memories of community swimming pools, daring early morning golf cart chases and brace-filled grins. For a moment he was absolutely overwhelmed.

"Hi Misteh Mewmaid!" Gladys Pines waved a tiny hand and eagerly repeated herself.

"Do you live here?" Her brother asked.

"You….wait, you know what I am?" He spoke up from the other side of the thick glass.

"Yeah! You a mewmaid!" The little girl squeaked matter-of-factly. Finn meanwhile started bouncing about with excitement over their discovery.

"Wenny! Aunt Wennyyyyyyyyy!" He called. "Aunt Wenny, lookit!"

"...And so then we….huh?" It was only then that Wendy Pines noticed that her niece and nephew had strayed away from her side while she conversed with an old friend. Thankfully she was only one store down the sidewalk from the little ones. Quickly she excused herself from her conversation.

"Gotta go. We'll catch up later, okay?" The former Gravity Falls resident rapped the top of Thompson's car.

"Give me a call!" He just barely avoided clipping a parked van as he pulled off. Wendy bounded over to the tots, and they squealed with laughter as she effortlessly swept them up into ropey arms and twirled them around.

"Hey, what's your deal?" She asked mock sternly. "You guys want ice cream or not?"

"_YEAH_!" They chorused excitedly.

"Probably not as much as me!" The aunt joked as she set them back down. "Just remember, you gotta stick with me when you're-"

"Wenny, look! Look at the mewmaid!" Gladys jabbed a finger at the enormous fish tank. "See? See it?"

"It's Mer-man, actually." Mermando felt the need to correct. Wendy finally noticed the half man half fish right in front of her, and it took every ounce of self-control to keep from swearing at the top of her lungs in surprise. Even then, her reaction wasn't what he expected at all. The redhead only needed a couple seconds to recover.

"Whoa. So...you're not supposed to be here, are you?" She took one look at the restaurant sign and guessed correctly.

"Yes, you're quite right. Uh, you're taking my existence surprisingly well." He remarked.

"Dude, to be honest you're pretty far from the weirdest thing I've ever seen." The young woman confessed. "Like, compared to everything else it's not even close."

"Ah. Interesting. And definitely a story for later." He hurriedly changed subjects. Time was of the essence. "If you would, could you help me? Those children, there! Those ones! Their faces! Their faces are like-"

"Excuse me?" The lanky aunt protectively herded the two-year-olds behind her. The last paranormal creature she had heard taking like that had been blabbing excitedly about its next meal.

"No, no! Wait!" He sputtered. "Forgive me, please! It's a little hard to contain myself, for you see….their resemblance! It's incredible! Even after all these years, I would recognize it anywhere!"

"What are you talking about?" The redhead kept a wary eye on him.

"You must tell me! Do you know a young woman by the name of Mabel?"

Gladys's star-shaped deely boppers wiggled about as she lit up with recognition. "That's Mommy's name!"

"You know Mommy?" Finn demanded. A surge of hope sent a dolphin squeak bubbling out of the captured merman.

"Yes! Yes, I am! I once knew-" The net flashed by him and he was immediately stricken in the cold clutches of terror. Fortunately it only scooped up an unsuspecting trout whose time had finally come. As he trembled with shock, the restaurant staff on the other side of the tank shot him curious looks.

"Weird. I've never seen a bass act up like that before." One waiter remarked.

"I thought it was a catfish." Her co-worker opined as they headed to the kitchen.

"Y'know, I think you're right. It does have some crazy big whiskers…."

It had been fourth time that day that Mermando's entire life had flashed before his eyes, at the very least. Badly shaken by yet another close call, he clutched his chest and let himself sink limply to the bottom of the tank.

"Hey! Hey, Misteh Mewmaid? Misteh Mewmaid!" Gladys tried to grab his attention. The child was so full of questions that she felt fit to burst "Scuse me? Scuse meee! Misteh Mewmaid?"

"He's notta mewmaid, hesa merman!" Her brother tugged her sweater and corrected her. "See? He gotta beard like Unca Dipper."

"Misteh Mewman?" She changed her tune without missing a beat. "Misteh Mewman! Misteh Mewmaaaaan! How do you know Mommy?"

"What's your name?" Finn demanded curiously.

"Wheah did youh fend go?"

"Hey, Mister Merman!" The little boy shouted. "Can you help Unca Dipper grow a bigger beard?"

"Yeah!" His twin cheered excitedly. " Can you? Please?"

"Pleeeeeease?"

While the children energetically interrogated him, Wendy meanwhile wasn't even close to understanding out what was going on. But she was one hundred percent positive that she needed to make a couple calls, and fast. In no time she had phoned the Mystery Shack.

"Hey there….yeah, kids are fine, I'm fine, we're cool. Listen, can you put Mabel on the phone? Actually, get her and put speakerphone...we got something of a situation here…."


	11. Breakout - Part 2

Part two coming everyone's way, followed by the third and final part later! Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

"...M…..M-M…..M-Mer….."

When Mabel stepped out of Soos's truck, bolted across the street and gazed upon one of her first loves, the young woman was stricken with disbelief. Her lips and tongue temporarily ceased to cooperate with her, and her chocolate eyes bulged so far that they looked just about ready to knock off her glasses and fall right out of her head.

"M-M-M…..M-M-Mer….M-Merman…." She looked like she was about to literally pop. The rest of her clan held back, to the confusion of her children.

"Mommy?" Finn tried checking on his mother before his uncle picked him up.

"Hold on a sec, buddy." Dipper cautioned, stepping back a safe distance. Meanwhile his sister continued to babble uncontrollably.

"Merman….M-M-Merman….M-M…."

Finally, Mermando pressed himself against the glass and finally greeted her with a soft smile, "It's so good to see you again, M-"

"_**MERMANDO**_!" She let rip with an ecstatic shriek that could be heard halfway across town. Mabel was filled to the brim with more excitement than she could physically handle. Stricken with glee, she raced up and down the block several times giggling like an absolute madwoman.

"It's you! It's you! It's really you! It's you it's you it's you it's you it's you!" She now gushed to the restaurant window. "I don't believe it! When Wendy said you were were here, I...I don't even know! This is….this is incredible! It's unbelievable!"

After briefly plastering herself against the glass for a hug, the gung-ho woman got right down to business. Wasting no time, she reached under her sweater and produced her tool of choice "Don't worry! We'll have you out of there in no time!"

"Hey, hold on!" Dipper protested. "What are you-"

"Help is on the way! GRAPPLING HOOK!" She seized her brother by his scrawny chest, fired, and as soon as it hooked up above both twins were sent rocketing onto the roof. Luckily for them, no one in the restaurant thought to maybe investigate the audible thud that rang out overhead. Outside, Wendy, Soos and the kids all gazed up curiously.

"…..Where did they go?" A very puzzled Mermando asked.

"Guys?" Wendy called up.

The overzealous brunette soon reappeared, with her peeved-looking twin limping slightly along in tow.

"Sorry." She flashed everyone a meek smile. "That was a mistake….."

Thankfully Soos's soft pillow arms made for the perfect cushion for them to climb down into, and soon they were reassembled back on the sidewalk.

"So do you have a plan?" Mermando asked hopefully."

"Normally I'd say sneaking in after they close, but-" Dipper was interrupted by his incredulous twin.

"NO!" Mabel yelped with such loud defiance that she gave her brother a start . "Are you crazy?!"

"That was going to be my point. We can't say for sure if he'd make it past the dinner rush tonight" He remembered his niece and nephew, and the dutiful uncle made sure to censor himself. "Uh, without something….bad happening to him.

Dipper nodded to the captive fish-man. "Um, not to freak you out or anything. That's just what we're up against right now."

"It's fine. I'd really rather not press my luck." Mermando admitted.

"We can ask them to let Mewmanno out!" Gladys suggested.

"That'd be nice if we could do that, but it's probably not gonna work, cutie." Wendy ruffled her hair and gently broke it to her.

"We ask them and we say PLEASE!" The child corrected herself.

"That's right, you always say please when you ask for something." Mabel affirmed. "But your Aunt Wenny' s right. This is kind of different."

"Oooh! Oooh! Dudes!" Soos shot his arm up in the air like an excited elementary-schooler. "Ooooh! I vote for Gladys's idea!"

"Wait, seriously?" Dipper raised an eyebrow.

"No, Mini-Hambone's got an awesome point! Just hear me out" He explained. "We go in and ask for him like, off the menu! I mean, that's the problem right? So we go in, order him, and then we can free him?"

"You really think you could afford me?" The captive asked, giving all the adults immediate pause.

"How much are you going for?" Dipper checked.

"It actually depends on what they think I am at the moment. But this may help." He said as he pointed. The restaurant had thoughtfully posted up a menu on the window, including a listing of the prices for their high end tank-to-table sushi. Dipper took a look and he could swear that he could hear his bank account scream in agony from afar.

"What's the-" Wendy took one look and instinctively clamped a hand over her wallet. "_**Wow**_."

"I take it that it's not something you'd be able to afford easily." Mermando unhappily understated.

"If they're going price-per-pound, I don't think so." Dipper groaned.

"Pffft! Oh that's no problem!" Always the eternal optimist, Mabel dug out her phone without a second thought. "I know someone who can spare that kind of money pret-ty easily…"

* * *

"...Would you like to see a menu?" The waiter asked. Gravity Falls' resident philanthropist deftly set herself down with a smile.

"No need." Pacifica replied with a smile "I've heard so much about the quality of your fresh fish that I….oh! That big one in particular looks like a very fine catch."

"Oh, the steelhead trout?" He nodded to the bearded "fish" watching on anxiously.

"Yes. Now I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but may I take it home? My personal chef knows just how I like it. No insult to the chef or anything, I unfortunately just tend to be very, very picky about my food." She turned the charm on full blast as she reached down for her checkbook. "The price is no prob-"

Pacifica looked up and she was talking to empty space. Two of the wait staff were already dipping an enormous net into the tank.

"We'll have him ready in no time!" The head chef assured her from behind the counter. In his hand he clutched a freshly-sharpened knife so massive that it was practically a short sword.

"No! No, wait!" She yelped as the plan crumbled fast. "No, I only want the-"

"It's our promise to the customer - from tank to table in twenty minutes or less!" The sushi master added proudly. Already a struggling Mermando had been hauled halfway out despite his desperate squirming. Pacifica startled staff and restaurantgoers alike when she let out a desperate shriek.

"WAIT! WAAAAAAAIIIIIIT!"

* * *

"...I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." The skinny blonde was guilt personified as she sat with the others outside. For once she had a chance to help, and the botch-up stung mercilessly. However, her bubbly brunette friend was quick to dispense with a comforting hug and a couple hearty pats on the shoulder.

"It's okay, we didn't see that coming." Mabel assured with a smile. "You tried!"

"Man." Soos shook his head. "They have crazy good customer service."

"Pardon me," Mermando interrupted from thank. "As much as I appreciate all the effort you are putting in on my behalf…uh, .could you please not eat that? At least not right in front of me?"

"Eat what?" The chubby man glanced down at the takeout pack of fresh salmon rolls that Pacifica had been forced to buy after "remembering" that she was allergic to the biggest fish in the tank. "Oh, whoa! My bad! Yeah, this is probably reminding you of your mortality and stuff, huh?"

"A little bit, yes." He understated.

"Don't worry!" Mabel rose to optimistically rally everyone. "We'll figure out something soon, I promise. We've never, ever been beaten by a challenge yet!"

"And it lightens my heart so much to hear that!" The merman exclaimed in his silky voice. Mabel clenched her fists and let out a small involuntary squeal.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Asked Pacifica.

"If you ask me, this is looking like a distract-and-grab kind of deal." Wendy guessed, and Dipper immediately grimaced.

"Out on Main Street in the middle of the afternoon on a sunny day." He summarized the situation. "That's going to be tricky."

"Tricky, maybe! Impossible? Not at all!" His sister declared as she bouncing about, practically dripping with unwavering confidence. "We only need just a little time to figure things out…"

She turned back to her old crush. "And before you know it, you'll be out of here-"

"I'll finally be able to see my wife and children again!" Mermando blurted out as he was quickly swept up in her inescapably infectious enthusiasm. But right as a smile stretched across his face, her grin faltered, then quickly began to fade. Suddenly she wasn't looking all that eager. In fact, the poor thing looked like she had taken a punch to the stomach.

"Yeah….y-yeah…" She muttered, reeling from the abrupt reminder. "You'll...see your...uh, them all s-soon….right…."

Neither Pacifica, Soos, or the children understood what had just happened. But Dipper and Wendy passed each other dismayed looks.

"...Mabes?" Her sister-in-law cautiously approached her. "You okay?"

"Uh huh! Yeah! Course I am!" Mabel took a deep breath and proceeded to promptly overdo it on the reassurances. "Why wouldn't I be? I'm fine! Totally fine! Everythings going to be okay because going to churn out a game plan and then...we're...we're going to…."

As she babbled, by now she was so humiliated that her scarlet blush had completely overshadowed her rosey cheeks. Unable to take it any longer, she turned around and headed down the block at a brisk trot.

"Mommy?" Finn called.

"It's okay, sweetie! I always walk better after I take a quick think!" She sputtered before hurriedly vanishing around the corner. A painfully uncomfortable silence hung over the group.

"Ay," Mermando broke it with a regretful sigh. "I thought that she would've…I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Keep an eye on him." Dipper directed the others, then dutifully headed off to tend to his twin. The others milled about wordlessly, not sure how to breach the mood. As he fiddled with his shirt, Soos spoke up.

"So….this may be kind of inappropriate, but….so you eat other fish, or is that like, half-cannibalism? I've always wondered…."

Dipper didn't have to go far before he caught up with his sister. As soon as she had slipped out of sight she had sat down hard against the wall of a small bike shop. By the time her brother arrived she head retreated halfway to Sweatertown.

"Oh no. Mabel-"

"It's okay I'm just thinking!" She desperately blurted out, then immediately betrayed herself with a sniffle. Dipper took a knee beside her.

"Did you really forget?" He asked softly as he tugged the neck of her sweater back down.

"...No." She clearly recalled the summer day long ago when she got news of an arranged marriage. "B-but when Wendy told us he was here, I…"

The young woman needed a moment to get her thoughts in order. "I mean, it's Mermando. My first kiss. The first guy who liked me for me and wasn't a total psycho or anything. And so I...look, I really don't know what I was hoping for. But I was so happy I just….I didn't think about all the other stuff."

Her eyes started welling up. "That's always the problem. I never think about it. I just get so ahead of myself with guys, always. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb…."

Dipper's heart wrenched for his sister. No wonder she had gotten so excited at first. And in all honestly, he couldn't blame her. She had endured far too much heartbreak over the years than she deserved. As she whimpered unhappily, the dutiful twin struggled to think of something to help make it at least a little better.

What he came up with was hardly the slam dunk he had wanted. In fact, he had been hoping fervently that he wouldn't have to bring up the particular incident today. But it was what he had at the moment, and her spirits needed a boost. The young man cleared his throat. "If it helps, you're not the only one who's upset."

"Huh?" Mabel looked up.

"Yeah…..Mermando was my first kiss too, remember?" He cracked lamely.

When she finally registered the remark, she was quickly beset by a shorting batch of the giggles. As her body trembled, she proudly remarked, "I still have the photo."

"I know you do. You showed it to Wendy after our second date." He reminded, getting another laugh out of her. He leaned in, and she eagerly accepted an awkward comforting sibling hug. "Sorry it still hurts."

"It's okay….same to you." She weakly joked, bringing a mild blush to his face. Now that he had her spirits had perked up a little, it was time to bring in the big guns.

"Back in a sec." He got up, tried rounding the corner and almost immediately walked smack into his wife.

"Beat you to it." Wendy said coolly as she herded along their niece and nephew. "Figured you were ready for the calvary."

The little twins meanwhile flocked worriedly over to their mother, and in no time she was being bombarded with a mix of hugs and questions.

"Mommy, what happened?"

"You look sad! Why?"

"You okay?"

"You think of something?"

"How are we gonna help Mermanno?"

Finn wrapped his arms around her neck and squeezed hard as he could. Gladys meanwhile tried wiping her mother's eyes with the corner of a sweater sleeve. Their aggressive comfort was like water over a burn.

"Sorry, hun-buns." She gathered them close. "Mommy's fine. I was just being a big silly earlier, that's all."

"But yoah notta silly!" Gladys said defiantly.

"I was a little bit of a-"

"Noooooooooooooo!" Finn insisted fiercely and loudly, buoying her spirits up even further.

"To be fair, he's a real looker from the waist up." Wendy got a laugh out of sister-in-law. Mabel now knew fully well know that she wasn't going to get any fairytale romantic ending today. But that wasn't bothering her as much as it had been mere minutes before, thanks to some badly-needed reminders.

Still single? Yes. Alone? Anything but. With a happy sigh she wrapped her children up in an extra tight squeeze.

"Still got you guys." She murmured gratefully to them. But no sooner had she said this when her thoughts turned to another family. One that consisted of a manatee wife and several mixed-species children that were missing their husband and father.

That wasn't right. That wasn't right at all. At that moment she couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like if she had been separated from any of her own beloved clan, much less all of them. Fresh resolve surged into her system.

"Okay, all done here with my weird stuff!" She gave her tots one more squeeze then shot back to her feet. "We got a gorgeous family man to bail out, pronto!"

"Great! All we need to do is…." Dipper made a face as he remembered their only remaining option. "Go plan….a broad daylight….robbery...great."

"Don't you worry, bro-bro." His twin slung an arm around his shoulder. "Just leave it allllll up to Mabel! We just need a good distraction. And who knows loud and distracting better than yours truly?"

Wendy looked to her husband and smiled in anticipation. "Well I'm pumped."

"You guys better be!" Mabel had already cooked up the beginnings of a plan. "Okay, listen up! First, I'm gonna need Soos to drive me back to the Shack for a couple things. You stay here and make sure that…"


	12. Breakout - Part 3

Whoops! Turns out I forgot to give credit to where it was due last chapter. A Mermando-based plot was first suggested to me by Effervescent Dreamer - thank you so much for the idea!

And while I'm on the subject of overdue call-outs: Thanks to Kraven the Hunter for the suggestion that lead to a past story, Progress,

Also - for the first time ever I've given a story some cover art. I've attached a piece from my friend Bitter Knitter consisting of her vision of the Pines Twins as adult twenty-somethings.

* * *

"...Yeesh…..is this for real? No…." The old man made sure to leave a less-than-flattering remark for each item on the menu as he slowly perused it. "Nope….nope…..nope….nuh-uh….haha! Not in this life...no…."

"Is everything okay, sir?" A waiter approached.

"This is a joke, right?" Stan Pines asked. "I mean, c'mon. No offense to you personally or anything,, but I feel like I have to take out a mortgage just to get the cheapest thing here."

"We can assure you that with the quality of our food, the price is well worth it." She explained, while trying to ignore that sinking feeling that they had a problem customer on her hands.

"Well...I definitely don't feel like cooking for myself today." He brushed his bristly chin as he conceded. "Okay, I'll have some of the rice you roll the fish in, and a side of soy sauce."

"...Wait, excuse me?" The poor soul had no idea what to make of the master cheapskate's order.

"Oh right, sorry! White rice." He gruffly clarified. "Not that pricey hippie brown stuff."

"Uh…..hold on…." After milling for a moment, the bewildered woman motioned for the help of a co-worker. As they tried to get a handle on the situation, a little voice piped up shrilly from the middle of the restaurant.

"Mommy?" A littler girl toddled about between the tables, looking around high and low. "Mommy? Mommy! Mommyyyyyy!"

The wait staff of course were all perfectly decent people. So it wasn't long until two of them simultaneously descended on the unattended child. Gladys flashed a friendly smile as they approached her.

"Hiii!" She waved.

"Hey there, kiddo." One young man knelt down. "Are you okay?"

"I don't see my mommy anywheah!" She answered truthfully.

"Do you know where she is?" Asked the other waiter.

Gladys had quickly developed her mother's stickler attitude for telling the truth. Mabel however had prepared her well, and so it was with the utmost honesty that the toddler replied with her squeaky lisp, "She's not heah!"

The waiters exchanged worried looks. "Maybe we should call-"

"Wait, wait, over there!" The other pointed. In the corner of the restaurant sat a couple, one of whom was a young man bearing an absolutely unmistakable resemblance to the lost child.

"...So what do you think? The California rolls?" Dipper asked.

"Nah. If we're gonna splurge, let's…" Wendy noticed the restaurant staff that had assembled at their table. "Sorry, we're still deciding.

"That's okay. Uh, is she yours?" The waiter pointed to the little girl.

"She's not my mommy!" Gladys immediately piped up, and her aunt only barely suppressed a laugh.

"Hmm? Oh, we don't have a daughter." Dipper casually answered back with a smile, throwing them all for a massive loop. They looked to the young man, to the little tot, back to the young man, and their confusion proceeded to rocket into the stratosphere.

"Wait….hold on. Are you sure that…."

Not too far away, Stan had expertly reeled in several others. Another waiter, two cooks, the sushi master and even a dishwasher were now all struggling to reason with the impossibly stubborn man.

"...Waht? I'm sorry, Sir, you can't do that."

"Okay, okay. Look, how about this?" He ruthlessly bargained. "You give me a plate with your rice and seaweed and whatevers, I run down the street and buy a can of tuna and I make the rolls myself here. I give you five bucks when I'm done. That's fair, right?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you can't…."

The restaurant didn't stand a chance against the double-pronged distraction. The entire staff was now trying to deal with the Pines, and so no one spotted a little boy scramble in, drop something behind the sushi bar, then dart back outside as fast as his little legs could carry him.

"I did it!" He whooped triumphantly. Mabel beamed as she scoop him up and planted a wet kiss on his forehead.

"Yeah you did! Great job, hun-bun!" She cooed proudly.

"Okay, just what did he put in there?" Pacifica asked.

"Partybomb!" Her friend happily answered back.

"Uh...partyb-"

"You set it somewhere, rig it to go, and boom! Confetti everywhere, and then you got yourselves with the start of a party!" Mabel explained with a smile. "It's a collaborative side project."

"I've been helping." Soos said proudly.

"So you're going to set confetti off?" Pacifica was confused. It hardly seemed like what they needed. Mabel smiled reassuringly.

"Not exactly."

"I haven't worked out a couple kinks yet-whoa! here we go!" They could hear the loud pop from outside. Suddenly the restaurant began to rapidly fill with thick, black sparkly smoke.

"Fire!" Stan beginning raising the alarm almost immediately. "Run for your lives! Fire! Fire! Everyone out! No time to see where it's coming from!"

"Whoops, sorry!" Wendy scooped up Gladys as she and her husband abruptly dropped their act. "Juuust remembered that we have a niece! Sorry"

The child cheered as her aunt hoisted her onto her shoulders. Staff and patrons alike hurriedly filed out of the door and onto the street. The Pines all pretended to slowly follow the crowd until they were the only ones left.

"Ha! Look at them run!" Stan laughed heartily.

"You...you did it!" Mermando gazed out in shock at the empty restaurant. However, there was no time to celebrate when time was of the essence. Dipper raced on over to the tank.

"C'mon, let's go! Quick, get-"

The merman gracefully slid out like a trained seal, and landed very ungracefully upon the young man's shoulders. Dipper let out a shrill wheeze as his skinny legs almost buckled under the weight.

"I-I'm so carrying the wrong one!" He yelped. Wendy still ferried their light and bouncy niece as she gave him a push.

"C'mon, you got this! Let's move it!"

Together they raced out through the kitchen and to the back, where the truck had pulled around and was waiting with a running engine. Dipper staggered to the open truck bed where Mabel and Pacifica were at the ready. The women helped haul the merman up and into a half-filled kiddie pool. Wendy hopped into the passenger side seat and everyone else loaded up in the back of the truck, with one wrinkled exception.

"Good job kid." Stan grinned at his great-niece. "You fooled 'em good."

"Learned from the best!" She happily gave credit where it was due. "Okay, we got a rescue to finish up. See you back at the Shack, Grunkle Stan!"

"Pick up a pizza on the way home." He gruffly requested. Mabel tapped the side of the truck, and her great-uncle watched her and the rest of the gang peel out with a squeal of tires. With his part done, the old man hobbled off to where he had parked.

"You helped raise them right, Stan." Stan shamelessly congratulated himself. "You helped raise them right."

Back outside the shop it was a mess of spooked patrons and panicked restaurant employees. The head sushi master waited anxious as one of his staff returned after an investigation.

"It's all right!" The young man coughed. "There's no fire!"

"Then what caused all the-" The chef watched a truck tear around a corner and race by, with a large fish tail hanging out the side. Immediately he looked to the giant fish tank and saw that its largest occupant was missing.

"THIEF! THIEF! _THIIEEEEEF_!"

* * *

"...And did you get the license plate? No? That's okay Don't worry sir, we'll handle this." One of Gravity Falls' finest hung up the phone and nodded grimly to his partner. "Alright, looks like we got ourselves a nine-four-four."

"Grand theft salmon?" Deputy Durland exclaimed incredulously. "Ain't had one of those in ages! Where are they headed?"

"Caller said suspects are in a pickup, headed towards the-" The very vehicle in question sped on by their car as it lay tucked behind a roadside billboard. "There!"

"Whooo-eee!" The deputy marveled at the speed gun's reading. "And going a full twenty over the limit too!":

"Let's ride." Blubbs cleared away a half-finished puzzle as their cruiser peeled out in hot pursuit. Little Finn was the first to notice, and did so with utter delight.

"Police car! Police car!" The little boy yelled before attempted an imitation of the siren.

"Aaaand look like we got company." Dipper warned. Pacifica let out a groan at the thought of her mugshot splashed across the local paper.

"It's fine!" Mabel had in fact come prepared. WIthout missing a beat she tapped on one of the windows. "We got the fuzz on our tails!"

"Yeah, I hear it." Wendy crawled into the back seat, albeit a little reluctantly. "Nobody better look, okay?"

Her crafty sister-in-law meanwhile unzipped an overstuffed backpack and began handing out an assortment of bandanas, eye patches, and a few assorted fake mustaches.

"Attention! This is the Gravity Falls Sheriff's Department!" Blubbs deep bass rang out via a crackling speaker. "Pull over to the side of the road! I repeat, this is the Sheriff's Department!"

"Okay, we're ready!" Mabel sang back. One gesture to Soos was all it took, and soon they were parked by the roadside.

"Cover me." Blubbs warned as the officers climbed out of the car. Durland nodded grimly, then burst out chuckling with delight as he removed his taser from its knitted koozie.

"I know my birthday was a week ago, but danggit, thank you!"

"I knew you'd like it." After sharing a giggle together, the officers composed themselves before approaching the suspects.

Waiting for them was a curious sight. Everyone sitting in the truck bed appeared to be dressed up like a mix of old-timey pirates. They all flashed disarming smiles as they huddled around the kiddie pool, creating a makeshift human barrier.

"What the…" The sheriff muttered. "Pines? Miss Northwest?"

It was Pacifica's chance for redemption. The heiress cleared her throat and quickly churned out a remarkably legitimate-sound cover.

"Sorry for the trouble officers. We're on our way charity costume gala that's being held tonight on the Northwest yacht." She pointed to her eyepatch. "It's a themed event to raise money for Gravity Falls Medical Clinic. I apologize it we were going a little over the limit, but unfortunately I'm running a little behind on-"

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you folks, or your fine cause." Both Blubbs and his equally embarrassed partner swiftly took her word for it. After all, she was Gravity Falls' resident philanthropist. We're just trying to follow up on a fall It seems Zen Sushi was just robbed of a live salmon-"

"That big one they had in the window? Thought it was a catfish." Remarked a very puzzled Durland.

"No, pretty sure it was a salmon. But it did kind of look like a trout-"

"Haha!" Mabel burst out laughing. "No, no, stolen fish here. Oooh, wait! But we do have a mermaid on board! Maybe someone reported that by accident?"

"Mermaid?" The deputy repeated curiously.

"Uh-huh! Hey, Wendy!"

The redhead clambered out and immediately tumbled flat onto her stomach. It took a good deal of effort, but she managed to peel herself back up and awkwardly hop her around the truck and into the center of attention.

"Someone call for me?" From the waist down she was tucked inside a large hand-sewn cloth fishtail, and up above she wore a purple seashell top. The spectacle quickly obliterated any lingering suspicions that the officers had.

"Well this has just been a huge misunderstanding!" Blubbs exclaimed apologetically. "Sorry for making you later to your gala."

"No biggies! You're just doing your job!" Mabel kindly replied. "Hope you catch those thieves that are totally not us!"

"Enjoy yer party, folks!" Durland waved from the car. As the car pulled away. an incredibly wary Mermando raised his head to watch the officers vanish down the road.

"...So...is everything alright?" After the day he had he felt he couldn't possibly be too cautious.

"Alright? Ha! We are one MILLION percent in the clear!" Mabel threw up her arms and let out a mighty cheer. Suddenly she was everywhere at once dispersing congratulatory hugs. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, sweeties, and thank-!"

"Wait," Wendy tried to back away as her sister-in-law enthusiastically leaned out of the back of the truck. "Hold on, don't-"

Mabel squeezed tight, the redhead exploded with a pained yelp, and she immediately let go as fast as she could. "Sorry!"

"Wendy, you okay?" Dipper was out of the truck and at his wife's side in a flash.

"It's cool, I'm fine….kind of." She grit her teeth uncomfortably. Without needing to ask, her husband whipped the pirate bandana off his head and she stuffed it away for some much-needed extra padding. "Did you really have to make this with real sea shells?"

"...Probably not." Mabel sheepishly confessed.

"Especially because that's something of a major stereotype. My people haven't worn those in ages." Mermando clarified, then added "Mainly because they tend to chafe."

"Yeah, my bad...but I kind couldn't help myself-" Mabel was interrupted by an excited shriek from her little daughter.

"AWIEL! Awiel Awiel Awiel Awiel Awiel Awiel…." Gladys took one look at her aunt and crawled out as fast as she could to give he an ecstatic hug.

"It's her favorite movie." The thoughtful parent explained.

"Okay, now I'm honestly pretty cool with it." She smiled at the overexcited tot. With a grunt and a little help from Dipper she hoisted herself up into the truck. "We good to go?"

"Yeah we are!" Mabel joined the others with a jubilant whoop that echoed across the surrounding forest. "Soos, rev up the engine! Mermando, get psyched! Get pumped! We're in the hoooommmme streeeetch!"

One quick leisurely drive later and they had reached their destination. Lake Gravity Falls sparkled brilliantly in the light of the setting sun as the truck parked close to the water's edge. The newly freed merman leapt out with a splash, and did several ecstatic underwater loops before meeting up with the gang at the nearby dock.

"Thank you all so much!" He was glowing with gratitude once he resurfaced. "Earlier today I thought that my fate was sealed. But thanks to your perseverance, you...I'm sorry, but words fail me now-"

"Oh dude, don't." Soos pled with a sniffle. "You better not cry. Because if you do, then we're gonna cry...or at least I'm gonna cry, and then I…"

"Uh…I think that's just the water dripping down-" Before Pacifica knew it, the teddy bear of a man had buried his face deep into her shoulder. The blonde rolled her eyes as she began awkwardly dispensing comfort. "...There there?"

Mabel laughed as she knelt down closer to her friend. "You better not drag this out too long. Not when you-"

"You gotta go see your family now!" Finn clambered up onto his mother and squeaked impatiently. "Go! Gogogo! You gotta go!"

"Yes, you are so very right about that, little one." Mermando swam a little closer until he and the bubbly brunette were face to face. "But before you go…"

This time there was no kiss for her. But he was more than happy to slide out and give her a thankful embrace before gracefully sliding back. "Mabel, once again I owe you everything."

"Thanks," Mabel plucked her son off her back and hugged him tight. "But I was just part of it. Lucky for me I have the best fam to help me out."

"And a lucky woman like you deserves nothing less." He said sincerely, and she had to quickly blink away a prickling tear. "One of these days I must return, and have my children meet the woman who has saved me twice."

The thought made her eyes light up with indescribable delight, and she let fly with a squeal. "YES! Cute little baby merma-tees!"

Mermando went awestruck as realization dawned upon him. "Oh, that's...that's a much better name than what we call them. Undeniably superior."

"Waut, what do you call them?" Dipper inquired.

"Mer-mans, actually. You know, mermaid, manatee…" He grimaced as he tried to explain. "It seemed to make sense at the time, but looking back...errr….we could have thought this out much better."

"Whatever their name is, we look forward to meeting them." Mabel meant every word. He flashed them all a sparkling smile of gratitude, nodded, then headed off for the journey back home.

"Thank you! Thank you all! I shall never forget you and all that you have done!" Mermando he stopped several times to wave to them all.

"Bye, dude! Bye...buh-bye...b-b…." Soo only managed a few words before he was overcome with emotion. This time Pacifica was at the ready.

"Hold on," She dug through her purse. "I have a handkerchief in here…"

"Okay, wave bye-bye to Mommy's old friend. Bye-bye! Bye-byyyyye!" Mabel's eyes were now brimming nonstop as she encouraged her children. Gladys detached herself from her still-costumed aunt to join her mother and brother, and together they eager bid their farewells.

"Bye Mehmanno!"

"Bye! Bye bye! Byyyyye!" Finn grinned at his mother. "We diddit, Mommy!"

"Uh huh." Mabel's heart swelled as she knelt down, wrapped an arm around each tot and squeezed them close. "We sure did, sweetie….we sure did…."

The scene would have been absolutely perfect were it not for one young man who clearly wasn't in the moment. Dipper's face contorted as he was stricken with bewilderment. Wendy noted the mental stress in his eyes and awkwardly hopped a little closer.

"C'mon, we just saved a guy's life." She slung an arm around her husband's shoulder.  
"Can't you relax for one minute?"

"I should, but I can't." Dipper didn't hesitate to admit. Meanwhile his mind was starting to ache a little under a heavy strain. "Now it's bothering me….what do manatee-mermaid mixes even look like anyway?" A mermaid's already two different halves...and then you try to throw in the-"

Wendy laughed and yanked the brim of his cap down over his face. "Hey, we just learned that an entire town can't tell the difference between a man-fish and actual fish. I think we have enough questions to deal with for today..."


	13. Tough Love

Time to briefly dial it back a few years before Dipper and Wendy tied the knot to a scene that I felt the need to write up. As usual, enjoy! - SGA

* * *

Dipper Pines' natural predisposition to always expect the worst had helped him overcome a wide variety of unusual challenges that life had thrown his way. Unfortunately, it also made sure that as soon as he felt like anything had been going too well for too long, then his suspicions were instantly roused. A little voice in the back of his mind always piped up and suggested that something was wrong. That there was something he was missing.

And so that afternoon found him doing what he always did when anxiety hit him particularly hard; seek the ear of the person who knew his neuroses best. The young man sat at his sister's kitchen table, mumbling anxiously into a cup of coffee.

"...And so I...I'm not really sure." He finished with a sigh.

"Dipperrrrr…." His sister bounced exasperatedly in her seat. "What do you mean you're not sure? What's not to be sure about? Nothing! It's the same thing you've done a million times before already! You call up Wendy, let her know that you want to come up this weekend and then boom! Date time!"

The young man anxiously fiddled with his mug for a few seconds. "But-"

"But nothing! Butts are for sitting, and cool girlfriends are for hanging out with!" Mabel insisted. She could barely believe her ears. This was beyond ridiculous, even for her brother. After years of countless on-and-off crushes, he was finally and officially with the girl of his dreams, going on two months and counting. But now that he was running the risk of self-sabotage, she was going to have none of it. "You'r freaking out over absolutely nothing! Just call her and say you're coming up this weekend! It'll be just like the other times."

"I'd like to, but what if I'm like, you know, overdoing it a little?" Dipper replied. "I've been making the haul to Gravity Falls so much lately, and I don't want Wendy to feel like I'm smothering her or anything-"

"You're not! She'll be totally fine with it. So just call her and tell her you're coming up in a couple days!" Mabel drummed her kitchen table impatiently with a big grin. "C'mon, just do it! Doooo iiiiit!"

"...Still not sure." As usual, his brain was working overtime as he silently reviewed every single pitfall imaginable. Mabel rolled her eyes at these age-old mental antics, gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder and got up from the table.

"Hey bro-bro, you want some more cookies? You can't overthink a frosted lemon puff!" She playfully sang.

"Sure." He murmured distractedly. "I'll take another."

As soon as he heard the first sticky tear, it quickly started to become clear that she was not in fact fetching delicious homemade snacks. It became even more obvious when she grabbed his wrists and yanked his arms behind his back

"OW! Hey! Hey wait, what are you….?! Hey, no! Mabel, NO!" By the time he had started to raise a protest it was already too late. His sister had worked with dazzling speed, and in no time she had duct-taped both his hands tightly behind him. While he struggled to get loose, she took a moment to grin proudly at her handiwork.

"What are you doing?" Dipper demanded as he thrashed about, all to no avail.

"Don't worry. This is for your own good." Her giggly assurance sent a cold shiver down his spine. It usually wasn't a good sign when she said that.

"That's not an actual answer!" The young man groaned.

"La la la la!" She sang gleefully as she fished his phone from his pocket with ease. "Let's see, what do we have here?"

"Hey! Hey! No, wait!" Dipper continued to cry. Her scheme was agonizingly obvious. As the panic pulsed through his system he tried consoling himself out loud. "Okay, fine. Go ahead. No problem. You can't use my phone if you don't know my password. Ha! You can't-"

"T-W-I-N." She punched in the corresponding numbers, and laughed delightedly when the main screen popped up. "Oooh! Great minds think alike, huh? Guess I have to change mine after this, though."

"Oh, no! NO!" Her twin was now straining against his bonds like his very life depended on it. "No, no, no, no, no, no! Don't!"

"Now time to do a little bit of exploring….ooohhhhh, well hello there, contacts list! How are you?" She giggled. "Now where is...ah, here she is!"

"Mabel, no!" He had already broken out in a panicked sweat. A warm little rivulet trickled down his forehead as he begged her nonstop. "No, no, no, no! Don't you dare! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-"

In desperation he tried lunging at her, chair and all. Despite his desperate energy all he managed to accomplish was to topple himself down onto his side.

"...Ow."

"Shhhhh, it's ringing!" His twin pressed a finger to her lips. Dipper now could only lie there, drowning in anxiety as they waited.

"Hey dude!" Both siblings could hear Wendy excitedly answer loud and clear. Mabel stifled a giggle as she held the phone down up against the head of her brother. His heart skipped a beat, and for a moment he was so mortified that he went completely tongue-tied.

"….Dipper?" Wendy asked. "Hello? What is this a butt-dial?"

After taking a hard swallow, he attempted to focus every ounce of energy he had into making it sound like it was nothing but a perfectly normal phone call.

"Hey it's me. So, uh….I was wondering if….uh…" As he struggled, Mabel pat his shoulder before flashing him an encouraging thumbs-up. "So I was thinking about...possibly dropping in this weekend...I mean, if it's no problem or-"

"Sorry, not happening." She speedily shot him down. No sooner had she seemed to confirm his worst fears when she burst out laughing. "It looks like my boyfriend's driving up, so my schedule's totally booked."

"...Wait, what?" He gasped dumbly, taken aback by the abrupt turnaround. His overhearing twin got the joke immediately, and had to bite her lip in order to hold back her giggles. Wendy meanwhile continued to play up the little joke.

"Yeah, sorry. Wish you could come up, though. He's a little high-strung at times, but a lot of fun. Something tells me you two would really get along great."

All the tightly wound muscles in his body collectively relaxed, causing him to deflate a little on the kitchen floor. A nervous chuckle worked its way out of him. "So, I'll uh...leave early from work Friday?"

"Same ol' same ol' sounds good to me. Looking forward to it." Wendy said warmly. "Sorry, I can't talk much now but I'll give a ring later, okay?"

"No problem." He heaved gladly. "Talk to later."

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye-"

"Love you, dude." Wendy casually added before hanging up, sending his heart fluttering to the heavens. Dipper only had the chance to let out a mighty gasp when he found a toothy smile looming closely over him.

"Soooo, how'd it go?" She knowingly asked.

Part of him still wanted to raise a fuss, but he quickly figured out that there was no use protesting. His sister had done nothing more than pick an unorthodox strategy to protect his happiness. However, at least he could shoot a pointed glance down to his bonds. "Can you at least untie me first before you gloat?"

"Nope!" In quick succession Mabel performed a celebratory leap, kick, and a twirl that almost sent her glasses flying off her face. "Yeeaahh-ha! And Mabel, world-class relationship coach does it again!"

She finished it off with a victorious air punch. "BOOM! Match made!"

"Uh...Wendy and I are already dating." Dipper bluntly reminded her. Without missing a beat, his sister repeated the triumphant display.

"BOOM! And match maintained!"


	14. The Reception

Thought that this piece would be something of a nice follow-up to the previous one-shot. As usual, enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

As the lively reception continued to hum at full swing outside the Mystery Shack, a young woman sat quietly off to the side. Everywhere she looked there were friends and family galore all enjoying themselves to the fullest among bright lights and lively music. Mabel Pines should have been completely in her element, and in the very beginning of the celebration that's exactly where she had been.

But while the evening progressed and as she watched the beaming bride and groom have the time of their lives, a sense of melancholy had crept over wasn't that she was jealous. She genuinely couldn't be any happier for Dipper. But all that joy couldn't stop a sense of mournfulness from gradually taking hold. After all, it was impossible to attend your twin brother's wedding and not be reminded of the painful separation you had just endured a mere several weeks earlier.

Suddenly she felt very alone, save of course for her two growing little lives inside. With one arm wrapped around her barely budding bump, the freshly single mother-to-be let out a soft sigh that went unheard amongst the festivities. Sad brown eyes cast out emptily at nothing in particular while she grew lost in her own thoughts.

One casual glance from across the gathering was all Wendy needed to tdetect that something was wrong with the "best woman." After excusing herself from a conversation with a tipsy and unusually huggy Tambry, she hiked up her exquisite but simple dress and tracked down her new husband by the bar. Dipper caught her eye and immediately headed her way. The bride nodded urgently towards Mabel. Neither one needed to be a genius to guess what was eating away at the normally bubbly young woman. Dipper gnawed his bottom lip as he wracked his brain. Barely a word was exchanged between the couple as they put their heads together.

Suddenly he had had it. In a flash he was worming his way through the crowd and over to the DJ. As the song ended, he reappeared at center stage a few seconds later, microphone in hand.

"Hey there everyone! How are we-_whoa_!" A sharp reverberation sent half the partygoers wincing, himself included. He hastily fumbled to adjust it properly. "Wow. Okay, sorry about that. That was all my bad. Okay, so, uh, anyway, I'd like to take a moment to talk about someone special tonight. If I only had to thank one person who helped make all this happen, then…"

With all attention focused onto him, he paused to rethink his words. He definitely wasn't being honest enough here. "What am I even saying? She is the person who made this all happen. My sister, Mabel!"

At first Mabel was caught completely off guard. But as a hearty round of applause went up, it didn't take long for her to sprout a weak smile. It was near-impossible for her to be that upset when she was the center of such attention. Dipper meanwhile continued on in rare form, doing surprisingly well despite the size of the crowd. The confident conviction behind his words definitely helped. The couple of drinks he had earlier also did their part.

"Right from the very start, she was always right there to keep me from completely blowing it all. As I stand here, I seriously can't tell you how many calls wouldn't have been made, how many dates wouldn't have been set, how many gifts wouldn't have been bought, and how many other things wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for her. However, I can tell you that she had to resort to duct tape at least once."

As scattered laughs rippled through the crowd, the twins shared smiles. She didn't mention the fact that his estimate was off by at least three.

"So believe me, I am one hundred percent positive we'd all be here tonight if it wasn't for her. So here's to you," He raised a glass that he quickly realized he didn't have. As drinks were lifted, he tried to recover by simply pointing to his sister instead. "To Mabel, who would never take no for an answer."

"All right Hambone!" Soos's eager yell beat the rest of the following applause by a good split-second. By nwo Mabel not only had been touched, but also completely reenergized. Her iconic toothy smile shined brightly for all as she threw her arms in the air with a proud cheer.

"I did the impossible!"

"Yeah, I wasn't easy." Dipper admitted, microphone still in hand. "Anyway, so as a sign of thanks..."

He nodded to the DJ. Within moments "Disco Girl" had begun to play. The young man strode with purpose over to his twin and extended his hand. Not to be outdone, Mabel made sure to curtsy. Then with arms looped tightly together they made their way to the outdoor dance floor. The young woman stuck out her tongue as he took his hand into hers. All eyes were now upon the twins. While they whirled around to his favorite guilty pleasure tune, Dipper could see her eyes start to grow wet.

"Mabel…" He laughed.

"You s-stupid butt." She sniffed. "I thought I was done crying today."

"Sorry." He leaned in and made sure to whisper a reminder. "It's gonna be okay. We're not going anywhere."

Dipper passed a quick glance to his bride, who was quick to flash her brand new sister-in-law both an affectionate thumbs up and an assuring smile. Mabel couldn't say a thing at that moment. The best she could manage was to give his fingers a squeeze before she bubbled up with a half sob, half laugh. The song soon began to wind down, and thanks to the fact that he knew it far too intimately for his own good, Dipper was able to give her a spin that coincided precisely with the very last note. Cheers and clapping promptly bombarded them.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" He grinned.

"You know I am." She laughed. They completed the sibling spectacle with a joint bow.

"C'mon people, you can do better than that!" Wendy now had the mic, and mercilessly egged their loved ones on until the heightened applause threatened to send a few tiles tumbling off the Shack's ramshackle roof. "That's more like it! Okay, now it's my turn. This next number is going out to me and my favorite twin."

Another BABBA classic, "Poppa Pia," began to cheerily play as she strode into center stage. Dipper was as surprised as anyone else when his wife wedged herself between them and proceeded to knock him aside with a hard swing of her hips. Mabel snorted with delight.

"I'm leading!" She gleefully took the mischievous redhead by the hand.

"Go for it!" As the two young women rocked out to the fast-paced Icelandic disco tune, Wendy grinned wickedly at her husband.

"Sorry!" She mock-apologized loud enough for quite a few to hear. "But she's the better dancer!"

"All right, all right. He laughed as he gave them room. "I'm going."

"Awww, no! We can't leave you out on your big day!" Mabel's playful spirit had made a full recovery, which was simultaneously fortunate and unfortunate for her twin. "Soos!"

"On it!" Soos chugged the remainder of his beer and dutifully charged on out.

"No, no, no, hold on-" Dipper found himself swept up effortlessly by their eager friend. Meaty hands now clutched him tight.

"Dudes, I totally feel the magic of tonight right now!" Soos cried ecstatically. The gentle giant quickly let himself get completely lost in the moment.

"Thanks for keeping me included." Dipper managed to gasp as he was whirled around with over-passionate force. Mabel dipped her cackling sister-in-law and shot him a wink.

"I'm still looking out for you too, bro-bro…."


	15. Sibling Exciting Adventure Time

Aaaaand time to speed forward about two years for our next little installment of Pines family madness. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

Of the many curious beasts that dwelled in the woods surrounding the little town of Gravity Falls, the centaurs definitely had to be one of the worst. They were mean tempered, quick to lash out at anyone that they were suspicious of (which was everyone) and dangerously easy to provoke. And even if they weren't feeling like their usual irritable selves, their moose-sized bodies could still accidentally do considerable damage to property and person alike if they happened to wander near town.

So when one mighty stallion of a man-horse hybrid found its way onto the Mystery Shack's property one summer afternoon, it wasn't too long at all before things got a little rough for the Pines clan. One minute they were trying to shoo it off, and before they knew it…..

"...WHOA!" Wendy and her husband held on for dear life to the bucking creature. It looked like trying to physically restrain it had been a very bad idea.

"HOLD ON!" Dipper yelped hoarsely as he barely stayed on. It hadn't taken long for the situation to turn into an on-the-spot rodeo. The centaur went utterly berserk, neighing furiously and kicking out with enormous legs in a furious attempt to throw off the couple, and enormous clods of dirt were torn from the soil and sent raining down everywhere.

"Hey! Hey!" Stan Pines stood upon his half-smashed porch. The old man put on the darkest scowl and waved his eight-ball cane as threateningly as he could. "Get outta here you half-and-half freak!"

The gruff insult failed to do any good. With an angry cry the creature bucked both Dipper and Wendy off and sent the two of them flying through the air and sprawling to the ground.

"Man!" A still slightly dazed Soos mumbled as he dislodged himself from beneath a wreck of a former outdoor Shack attraction. "Is it just me, or is it like, super hard to get a grip on this guy?"

"_No_!" Dipper shot up with a dismayed yell.

"Really? Wow, looks like my finger strength could like, do with some serious improvement-"

"No! No! Stay inside!" Dipper continued to yell, not at all in response his his chubby friend. Two little faces had poked outside the Shack to investigate the racket, and the young man immediately began gesturing frantically at his niece and nephew. "Back inside! Get back inside guys, please!"

"HOSEY!" Gladys Pines only needed to take one look at the equine oddity before excitedly made a beeline for the creature. Neither her aunt or either of her uncles could peel themselves off the ground in time to make a grab as she raced on by like a tiny sweater-clad bullet.

"Horsey?" Finn repeated curiously as he tottered along after his sister. Both tiny twins now just stood and stared at the peculiar sight. Over the course of their short lives they had seen more their fair share of abnormalities emerge out of the forests, but this was new. Their little brains struggled to make sense of the mishmash of hooved body topped with a human torso head.

The centaur snorted threateningly at the newcomers and reared up. But before his mighty hooves could get anywhere near the toddlers, a brunette blur zipped in and nabbed the two of them up.

"Sweeties I told you to stay inside!" Mabel gasped out in one breath as she carried her children to safety.

"Mommy, whazzat?" Her son just pointed and chirped curiously at the rampaging beast.

"A very, very, very, big meanie!" She warned them. "A big meanie you need to keep away from!"

But no sooner had she deposited them a safe distance away when she perked up from a burst of inspiration. Now that her toddlers were here, this was the perfect opportunity. "Wait! Hey, Dipper!"

Dipper only had to take one look into his sister's eyes and could immediately tell what she had in mind. "Oh, no. No-"

"Yes! We can do it right now!" She chirped, then took a moment to signal to her two-year-olds. Both her little ones bounced to attention.

"No, we're not doing it." He gestured to the bucking monstrosity a few yards away. "The kids are going back inside right now, and we're figuring something else out. Got it?"

"No, they're gonna help!" She insisted right back. "C'mon, there's no better time to do it!"

The highly neurotic uncle was still balking. However, he quickly changed his mind after Stan made the mistake of chucking a rock at the intrusive monster. His great-grand niece and nephew had never seen him move so move in years as he retreated inside right before mighty hooves could crushed what was left of the porch.

"Okay, okay, fine. Let's do this." The young man hurriedly signaled to the others with a wave of his hand before he readied himself. Mabel promptly swung into action by blowing the wettest raspberry that she could muster at the rampaging man-horse.

"Hey hey hey! Hey, jerkity-jerk! Over here!" The centaur turn and fixed its fury-filled stare on the gutsy young woman. Mabel made several faces at him in quick succession while she continued to mercilessly goad it on "Yeah, I'm talking to you, and you know it! Just because you're big and ugly doesn't mean you're hard of hearing!"

He reared again and let out a mighty guttural yell of rage. He then started pawing up huge chunks of earth as he shot her a death-glare. Mabel however just stared right back completely unfazed by the display of rage.

"Think you're just gotten smoosh all of of us? Ha, well think again!" Mabel did a kick, twirled around twice, then finished off by thrusting a fist above her head. "Pines twins, ACTIVATE!"

On cue, Dipper chopped the air several times, clapped his hands over his head then knelt down. Mabel karate-kicked her way over until she was close enough to set herself atop his shoulders.

"Siblings of different generations, unite!" She announced, slicing and chopping the air before thrusting out her arms straight on either side with a sharp cry. "Hi-YA!"

Moving quickly, her twins obediently grabbed onto an arm each.

"FORM TOGETHER!" Their mother and uncle announced. With a mighty grunt, Dipper rose up on quaking legs, and after nearly stumbling over he managed to stand up under the combined weight of mother and children.

The centaur meanwhile had long stopped trying to put on an intimidating show, or anything at all Now he only stood there and gawked curiously at the spectacle that they all cut together. Mabel boldly stared him right in his wide confusion-filled eyes and announced dramatically, "When our powers combine, we arrrre….."

The beast didn't see the small ambush party sneaking up on him from behind until it was too late. With a mighty leap Soos hurled his meaty body onto the centaur's back, and the shock of the sudden weight caused all four of its legs to buckle beneath it.

"TAKE IT DOWN, DUDE!" The chubby man yelled.

It hit the ground and Wendy was immediately there in a flannel scarlet blur, armed with her trusty axe. "On it!"

She raised her arms high and whacked him as hard as she could with the flat of her blade. It shot her a quick befuddled look before it completely collapsed into an unconscious heap.

"Boosh." Wendy let out a tired but triumphant whoop. She then looked to her stacked family and promptly cracked up. "Great job, Ultra-Dorks."

She clapped her husband on the back, which immediately proved to be a bad idea. Already straining under his burden, Dipper pitched forward and sent the sibling tower topping down. Thankfully, Mabel and her children were nothing but laughs and celebratory smiles as Wendy hurriedly extracted them from the heap. Once freed, she immediately helped her twin back to his feet.

"You okay bro-bro?"

"Yeah." He wheezed, wiping a sweaty brow. "Just a little sore in my knees….and shoulders….and everywhere else."

"Oh, you're fine!" She ruffled his hair. Once she made sure that her little ones were okay and gave them a congratulatory hug and a kiss each, she skipped on over to their foe. The fact that he was completely out cold didn't stop her from gleefully finishing her line.

"...Distracting." She said with cheerful relish. "When combined we are always very, _very _distracting."


	16. Soothed

There were many things that the Pines could now handle with relatively little trouble. Monsters were no problem. Ghosts and ghouls were hardly worth a fuss. Secret societies were so not a threat that it was laughable. Creatures that lurked in deep dark swamps? Not even worth breaking a sweat over.

But tiny babies however were a different story entirely.

"...Shhhhh-shhhhh…..it's okay…." The young mother cooed. Mabel paced back and forth throughout her little house, shushing soothingly as she stroked her daughter's head. Just as she had for the past hour, unfortunately, Gladys continued to wail nonstop thanks to a bitter cocktail of exhaustion and discomfort.

It had started out like any other Friday night. Her brother and sister-in-law came over as soon as they both got off work, pizzas were ordered, the four-month-olds twins were put down for the evening, and they all settled in front of a cheesy horror movie. They only gotten halfway through their flick when Gladys had started crying, signaling what turned out to be the sudden onset of a fever.

Thankfully it was only a mild one. But after they gave the baby some medicine, a return to sleep quickly proved to be very elusive. Mabel had enthusiastically given everything she had, going through lullaby after lullaby after lullaby, with plenty of soothing and loving whispers thrown in between. But still her daughter continued to ceaselessly squirm and bawl. Every now and then Dipper or Wendy would step in to hold her a little or do a few joint rounds of the Lamby Lamby song, all to no avail. Now once again Mabel had the sickly little girl, and for now all the couple could do was stand by, awkwardly watch and hope that their niece stopped fussing soon.

"Okay, so should should we call a doctor or something?" Dipper blurted out. His gut coiled tightly under the strain of his growing anxiety.

"Pfft! Oh, she's fine. She just can't figure out she's tired yet. Isn't that right, hun-bun?" His sister smiled at her child. The fussy baby whined, then let out another reedy wail. The cry triggered a near-identical yell from the nursery as her fussing woke her brother up again. Frantic to do at least something, Dipper shot off and soon he returned rocking his cranky nephew.

"It's okay, buddy. It's okay." He whispered. "Shhhhhh."

"We officially have miserable in stereo." Wendy observed while glancing from one upset little four-month-old to the next.

"Yeah, looks like I gotta call in the big guns." Mabel held up the little patient. "Can you take-"

"Got her. C"mere, cutie." Wendy plucked up the baby before her sister-in-law could finish.

"Thanks." Mabel fished out her phone and hit speed-dial as the others curiously watched on. It took her only a few minutes to get everything prepped and ready, and soon a lullaby was blaring loudly to them over a video call.

"Rock a bye baby, in the tree top…."

Dipper automatically winced. Wendy meanwhile stepped back under the force of the harsh assault on her ears. The rendition of the classic lullaby was rough, grating, and had both the same consistent pitch and volume of a blaring car alarm. And unfortunately when it was all over, the song started right up again with barely a pause.

Then again.

And again.

"...When the bough breaks, the cradle will fallllll…"

Yet amazingly enough, by the third round the infants started to calm down, and very noticeably so. Shrill wails soon turned to tired whimpers. When the fourth round ended, tiny eyelids were starting to droop. And by the start of the fifth, both Gladys and Finn had mercifully passed out. Mabel checked her tots over, then burst out with a grateful smile that toothily stretched wide from ear to ear.

"Both down and out for the count. Thanks a billion!" She chirped happily.

"No problem, girl!" Their rescuer gruffly replied from her end of the call. "Always glad to help out!"

Neither Wendy nor Dipper could deny the soundly sleeping children lying limply like little sacks of flour in their arms. However, both still struggled to wrap their brains around the phenomenon they had just witnessed. The lanky redhead passed her husband a pleading gaze for answers, and found nothing but total befuddlement in his eyes.

"...Okay so..._how_?" An incredulous Wendy finally demanded.

"Wait," Mabel laughed. "You didn't know?"

"Know what?" Asked Dipper "What just happened here?"

"Oh, it's nothing special!" Grenda guffawed modestly over the phone. "Kids just love the sound of my melodious voice!"


	17. You Won't Believe the Day I Had

Few people looked forward to the summer more than Pacifica did. Summertime meant that a certain pair of twins would be taking their families up north from California for their annual vacation, meaning that for a couple wonderful weeks, two close friends would now only be a short drive away.

And so it was with great relief that she parked her car in front of the Mystery Shack one warm summer evening. A golden full moon shining overhead illuminated her quick walk from the dirt parking lot to the front door. One knock later and a smiling-faced brunette was eagerly ushering her inside.

"Thanks so much." Pacifica said gratefully. "I hope it's okay popping in this late. I just feel like I need to vent so badly and-"

"No problemo!" Mabel reassured. "It's never too late in the day to have company over!"

Her little twins had long been put to bed, and Stan had dozed off in front of the TV, so it was fairly quiet inside the Shack as the two women headed into the kitchen. Dipper was hunched over the stove mixing away while he read a curious set of instructions off his phone.

"...Okay, mixed the hairs with one and a cups of tap water, check…" The hyper-focused young man wiped a sweaty brow as he murmured under his breath. "Now add a quarter cup dried wolfsbane…."

"Hey, look who stopped in!" Mabel tried to grab his attention. Her brother only gave a distracted wave as he carried on. Gently he dropped a small silver earring into a simmering sauce pot and checked the recipe again.

"And now let that sit in there for….wait, what the….tour minutes? That can't be right…."

"It's fine." Pacifica chuckled as they took a seat at the kitchen table. Mabel gingerly stepped over a large dog lying on the floor as she fetched two glasses of iced tea and a plate of cookies.

"So what's up?"

"Where do I even start?" Gravity Falls' resident philanthropist wearily blew a couple golden strands of hair out of her face. "This day has just been…..uuugggh. Okay, so, you know that drive we're having to revamp the community center?"

"Yeah, of course!" Mabel chirped before shoving a homemade oatmeal raisin cookie into her mouth. "You've been in charge of that, right?"

"Uh-huh, and one of the main backers officially pulled out this morning. Some of his stocks took a dive, so he called it quits on his donation."

"Ooooh." Her friend winced sympathetically.

"So I had to spend all day playing suck up to get a couple pledges to cover the funding gap." Pacifica shuddered and sipped some of the refreshing chilled tea. The fact that she came from the same stock as the people she was constantly forced to schmooze for money discomforted her to no end. "I honestly can't stand the egos of these people. They make my parents look like saints."

"They can't be that bad." Mabel still grimaced at the thought. As they carried on, Dipper meanwhile made a quick phone call.

"...Yeah, there was a typo in your message….how long does the silver sit in there for? Four minutes? Okay, I figured. Just making sure. Yeah, I'll shoot you a message when we're done. Thanks, Grunkle Ford." He hung up and went right back to work. "So, should be four minutes right….about now. Let's see what it says….add two tablespoons lemon juice, pinch of allspice….add enough whole wheat flour to make a paste…."

….Oh, you have no idea." Pacifica meanwhile ranted on. "Like, there's this one lady who has an estate over in Redmond. I can't ever get a cent out of her until I compliment whatever outfit her cat's wearing that day."

"Oooh, fashion kitty!" Mabel giggled.

"It's not cute, it's crazy. All of it. I had to spend twenty minutes asking her who the designer was, where it was hand-made, all before we could even…." She made a gagging noise. "I have to do that anytime if I want to get a dime out of her. And that's just one of the people I had to deal with today."

She slumped heavily in her seat. The young woman felt drained beyond words. As Mabel freshened up her drink, her gaze aimlessly wandered down to the furry new face lying nearby. She reached out to give it a quick pat on the head.

To her surprise, the mottled grey-and-reddish canine actually proceeded to raise its head, flatten its pointed ears and shot her what was unmistakably an annoyed look. Pacifica paused. It kept maintaining steady eye contact with her until she finally said, "Sorry?"

It set its head back between heavy paws with a nod. The confused young woman looked to her friend. "Uh….so who's dog is this? Stan's, or….is do you guys get it recently?"

"Dog?" Mabel was initially puzzled by the question before she burst out laughing. "Oh! Yeah, so about that. Okay so we-"

"Finished!" Dipper whirled around and announced triumphantly. The curiously wolfish-looking hound began wagging her tail in anticipation. She jumped to her feet, trotted over and before he could say another word she nudged him in the leg with her snout.

"Looks like someone's ready!" Mabel giggle as she got up. "Can you give us a couple minutes to take care of this? Should only take a few minutes!"

"Uh….sure?" Pacifica watched on confusedly as both twins huddled around the peculiar "dog". Mabel took a green towel and wrapped it securely around the animal. Dipper meanwhile held a small bowl of a freshly-concocted mush that she lapped right up.

Then the waiting began. Mabel could feel the anxiety pulsing off of her twin brother. As usual she was more than happy to inject some optimism in the situation. "Don't worry! She's be just fine. Grunkle Ford knows his stuff!"

"Yeah," Dipper agreed, but as usual despite his best efforts, the usual amount of doubt was reflexively gnawing at him. "But he said he's only had to do this once, and that was pre-portal."

"Nah, the recipe's definitely gonna work." She insisted and followed up with a flash of her trademark smile. "You'll see."

As the twins talked, Pacifica's bemusement was growing with every passing second. She couldn't tell for the life of her what was going on, or what they were even talking about. "What are you-"

Her question died mid-sentence thanks to the startled yell that jumped out of her throat. In literally the blink of an eye they went from three people in the kitchen to four. A lanky redhead now struggled back to her feet, coughing like mad as the bitter taste of the homemade remedy lingered in her mouth.

"Oh my...oh my God!" Wendy gagged. In desperation she wiped her violated tongue on the back of her hand. "It tastes like-"

"**_WENDY_**!" With a joyous yell her husband swept her up in a hug.

"I told you she'd be fine!" Mabel knowingly whooped. But she was no less delighted than her twin as she gleefully joined the group embrace. "Whooo! Our Wen-Wen's back!"

Now sandwiched between husband and sister-in-law, the dazed woman needed a little time to figure out that she was back to her normal self. But once she realized that she was standing on two legs again, the second thing out of her mouth was a quick joke.

"What took you guys so long?" She rasped.

"Sorry." Dipper sputtered apologetically. "First we had to find some-"

"Chil. It was only for like, two hours." His wife reminded him with a laugh. Dipper's face went bright red.

"But two hours I could have done without." He defended himself with a sheepish smile. It took a bit of effort, but she managed to wrenched her arms free and gratefully squeezed him back. When the group crush finally ended, Mabel zipped off to fetch a glass of tea for her newly restored family member. Dipper meanwhile guided her into a seat at the table, where she met the gaze of a still-reeling Pacifica.

"Hey." Wendy casually greeted, taking everything with her iconic easy stride.

"Uh...hi." The blonde replied with an awkward wave. "So…."

"I tried to go for a walk by myself after dinner." She gave a quick and easy summary, followed up by a chuckle as she showed off a nasty bite mark on her hand. "It didn't go too well."

"Are...are you okay?" Pacifica cocked her head.

"Honestly? I've actually had to deal with way weirder." Wendy didn't hesitate to reply dead-honestly.

"What?" Pacifica's jaw dropped so fast it almost unhinged.

"That's actually no joke." Dipper reluctantly confirmed while he applied the last of the healing paste to his wife's wound. Wendy pat his shoulder.

"I'm fine, it wasn't even half the night."

"Wait...wait…" Pacifica continued sputtering incredulously at how so very matter-of-fact they all were. The redhead nodded.

"Oh trust me, this doesn't even come close to cracking the top ten. I'd say it's more...

"Top twenty?" Mabel set down a glass and suggested.

"Yeah, that's probably fair." The freshly de-werewolfed woman agreed with a shrug. As Wendy readjusted her towel, her emerald eyes darted back to the blank-faced blonde sitting across from her. "So...how are you doing?"

Thanks to some new perspective, Pacifica needed a moment to think it over. "You know…. I think I'm actually doing just fine…."


	18. Musical Adaptation

"Hey!"

"What up, Mabes?"

As usual, Dipper and Wendy casually let themselves into the little one-story house without nothing more than a courtesy knock. Following protocol to a T, Waddles IV trotted out greet them with a friendly oink before greedily begging a pat on the head.

"Heeey bro-bro! Hey Wen-Wen!" Mabel happily called from her living room. "Great timing! The show's just about to start!"

The couple's response was as stark as night and day. Wendy immediately brightened up with an eager grin. "Sweet."

Dipper on the other hand was immediately overtaken by dread. He froze, stopped scratching Waddles behind the ears and let out a panicked groan. "Oh, _no_-"

Before he could attempt an escape, two little bundles of energy bounded out and happily latched onto them like two adoring limpets.

"Uncle Dipper! Aunt Wenny! You're here! C'mon! C'monnnnnnnn!" Wasting no time, Finn grabbed Dipper by the wrist and started tugging hard.

"The show's stawtin'! You'we gonna missit!" Gladys nabbed her aunt by the corner of her flannel shirt and enthusiastically did likewise, and the two adults were hurriedly guided into the living room and parked on the sofa. Quickly the twins switched off, with Finn curling up next to Wendy and Gladys plopping happily square into her uncle's lap. Waddles followed in and lazily flopped down at their feet for yet another one of his many daily naps.

"All right!" Mabel boomed from behind a constructed cardboard stage, complete with an elaborately painted background and strategically placed lights. "Rainy Day Theater now presents 'The Nervous Knight!,' loosely based off true events!"

"Oh no...not this one. No, no, no, no, no, _no_. " Dipper muttered despairingly to himself. It was even worse than he feared. "Not this one. Please, not this one."

"Yes!" Finn squeaked excitedly at his aunt. "My fav'ite!"

"Mine too." She chuckled as she hugged her nephew close and passed her husband a smile and a playful wink. Dipper grimaced back as he braced herself.

Meanwhile, onstage a towel curtain parted and two sock puppets popped into view. One wore a meticulously crafted paper crown set atop a mop of long red locks that flopped about as she spoke. "Oh man, that adventure was nuts! You totally ruled back there, Sir Dipper!"

The other puppet proceeded to immediately turn into an anxious wreck. His tin foil armor rattled as he forced out a burst of painfully nervous laughter. "That? It was nothing! Hahaha! N-nothing at all! Haha!"

He followed this up with a very unchivalrous whisper, "I hope this day never ends."

"What?" She asked obliviously.

"Nothing! I didn't say anything!" He nervously jabbered back. "Who said that? No one!"

"I thought I just heard-"

"Nope, no one talking here!" He babbled.

"Uh, okay. Hey, how about we hang out at my palace tomorrow, okay?"

"YESPLEASE!" He over-enthusiastically agreed. He then cleared his throat as he dialed it back, trying his awkward best to play it cool. "I mean...yeah, that'll be cool."

"Awesome. I'll see you then!" The princess cooley flounced off, while her tongue-tied friend continued to flap his cotton lips.

"Yeah, totally looking forward to it! Haha!" The hapless knight anxiously laughed again After she vanished offstage, her added in another forlorn whisper, "I love you."

Mabel's children giggled like mad at the character's ridiculous antics, and Wendy heartily chuckled too. The increasingly red-faced young man sitting by her side however was a completely different story. A horde of awkward memories bubbled to the forefront of his mind. As he winced nonstop, Dipper slow sunk into his seat with a moan.

"Sir Dipper! Sir Dipper!" Another puppet swooped in. This one was clad in a gorgeous flowing dress set with delicately crafted wings, and had bouncing brown locks held in place by a gorgeous tiny tiara. A well-timed handful of sequins punctuated her entrance.

"Who are you?" The knight's jaw went slack with awe.

"Why it's me, your Fairy God-Sister, Mabelia!" She sang. "I've come here to tell you why you always act so crazy whenever you're with the fair Princess Wendy. Sir Dipper, you've been put under an anxiety-spell!"

"Wait, really?" The knight brightened up with hope. "And have I been put under a sweat-spell, too?"

Mabel made sure to splash some water on him for special effect, though how she managed to do that with both puppets currently talking on stage at the same time was anyone's guess.

"Nope!" Her fairy stand-in twinkled with laughter. The hapless knight sighed.

"Well, can this spell be broken?"

"Of course!" She giggled, and immediately his tinfoil suit began crinkling and rattling as he trembled with hope.

"It can? How can I break it? Oh please, amazing and beautiful and charming and obviously smart Fairy God-Sister! You have to tell me!"

"Booo." Dipper protested the out of character performance, and was roundly shushed by his little niece.

"It's simple! You must simply go to your one true love and tell her how you truly feel!" The fairy-god-sister sang back. The knight reacted as if he had been sentenced to the chopping block.

"N-no!" He gasped.

"Yes!" The other puppet laughed.

"No!"

Yes!

"NO!"

"Oh, yes!"

"NO! No! Not that! Please, not _that_! Make me fight another dragon! I-I'll go and battle the troll-pirates! I'll journey into the Swamp of Eternal Stink! I'll climb Mount Explosion! Anything but thaaaaaaaaaaat!" He whined dramatically. "Pleeeease!"

It didn't matter that their mother had put on this very same show (and similar ones like it) before. The baby twins squeaked uncontrollably with just as much mirth as they did the very first time they had watched the poor knight plead desperately with the all-knowing and obviously correct fairy-twin-sister. Similarly, the spectacle still hadn't gotten any less painful for Dipper whatsoever. The young man continued to squirm in his seat.

Wendy passed him a glance and took note of his still-ongoing embarrassment with a frown. Getting worked up while seeing this for the first time was definitely understandable, but this was at least the fourth or fifth time they had seen this particular play. It didn't take much thought for her to decide that this whole routine of sorts was finally getting to be a little too ridiculous for her liking. Sure he was a dork, but he was _her _dork, and she knew he was way better than this. Gently she elbowed him in the side side.

"Dude, chill." Wendy chided him in a hushed tone. "Just enjoy it for once."

"Sorry, I just…." He trailed off and winced for the umpteenth time. A roll of toilet paper had just been unfurled onstage knight showed off his latest unnecessarily intricate "list" of everything he planned to do in order to make the fair princess fall for him. It wasn't easy coming to grips with the fact that a good chunk of one's past made for painfully excellent comedy fodder.

Wendy rolled her eyes at the absurd sight he cut. She proceeded to lean in a little closer, and Dipper felt a flash of wet warmth on his cheek as she planted a quick peck.

"Well...you can at least enjoy the ending, can't you?" She reminded him. Like a salve on a burn, her words quickly tempered the sting of his mortifying memories. As her fingers interlaced with his, he gave her hand a loving squeeze.

"Yeah," He finally started lightening up a little. "I guess I can't-"

Their hushed conversation was brought to a speedy end when the children broke out into excited whoops. Mabel had started the first verse of their favorite tune from the show, "I Won't Sweat It."

"...And with the strength in my noodle arrrrms, I'll make sure she never comes to any haaarrrm…."

As the chorus drew near, the little twins signaled ecstatically to their aunt and uncle. Wendy planted on a goofy grin for the children as she waited with them to join in on the upcoming chorus. Dipper also readied himself too, but did so with a reluctant mumble.

"Still could definitely do without some of these musical numbers, though…"


	19. Series Finale

Just dialing it back a few years for a little snippet today. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"Hey there, everyone." The brunette greeted her audience with her trademark toothy smile. "We've had some great times over the years, haven't we? The very mystery that Dipper and I solved….all of my silly crushes….my brother's wedding….Finn and Gladys's big entrance at the season twelve finale….and all of the other fantastic memories that will never leave us."

Mabel took a seat. Despite her best attempts to hide it, a watery glint in her eyes betrayed her sadness. "Of course as we all know, all good things eventually have to come to an end."

She sniffled back a tear, then popped on a fresh iconic grin. "But tonight's not a time to mourn. It's a time to celebrate! So tonight here on our final episode, we ask you to join us as we remember all of the laughs, the tears, and all the other wonderful times that we've been so lucky to share with alllllll of you wonderful, wonderful fans back home…."

It as a wonderfully heartfelt message. It was too bad that she was delivering it to her living room wall. Not too far away, her brother and sister-in-law watched on wordlessly.

"..._Who_ is she talking to right now?" Dipper asked. Halfway through fixing dinner, he had just stepped out of the kitchen to find his twin sister delivering a monologue.

Wendy shrugged as she continued cradling their grizzling two-week-old niece and nephew in her ropey arms. "I have no idea. She just got up and….this started happening."

"...And so we'll kick things off with a few clips of some of your favorite funny moments from the show, and then we'll hear a few words from the first of our many guests tonight…" Mabel deliriously babbled on and on to literally no one.

Dipper slowly approached his utterly delirious twin and gave her a gentle tap on her shoulder. "Um….Mabel? Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh! Hey there, 'bro-bro.'" She greeted him with a flash of air quotes and a wink to the imagined audience.

"What are you-" he tried to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my co-star Jason Ratten!" She stepped aside and let him take center stage, clapping enthusiastically all the while.

"Wait, who?" He cocked an eyebrow. "Mabel, what are you even talking about?"

"Mabel?" She burst out laughing as soon as he called her by her "character's" name. "No, silly! It's just Kristin tonight!"

"Okay, just much sleep did you really get last night?" He asked.

Utterly drunk with exhaustion, she just swayed unsteadily on her feet and smiled wordlessly for a few moments.

"How much sleep did you get?" He gently repeated. "You told me five, and it doesn't look like that at all."

"I got…." She seemed to zone out. He waved a hand in front of her bloodshot unblinking eyes.

"...Mabel? How long did you sleep last night?"

The sleep-deprived new mother snapped back to the present with her very rough estimate. "Eightily-thirteen hours!"

Wendy and Dipper looked to one another.

"We're staying the night here." The ultra-dutiful brother announced without a second thought. .

"Yeah, no argument here." She readily agreed with an equal lack of hesitation.

"Alright. Let's go." Dipper turned and bent down. Pure reflexive memory drove Mabel forward and got her to flop onto her brother's back as if they were mere kids again. As he hefted her up with a mighty grunt, delayed realization kicked in.

"Jason?" She muttered confusedly. "What are we-"

"Don't worry, Mabes. I'll introduce this next segment." Wendy reassured.

"Oh. Okay. Th-thanks Linda." Mabel let out a whopping yawn. As he brother carried her off piggy-back style, she asked, "So a-are we going to wardrobe now?"

"Uh….yeah, sure." Dipper gently humored her.

"Good." She approved with a sleepy smile. "We gotta get ready for the big all-cast musical number…"


	20. Walking Aids

"...Okay, here we go!" Mabel got down on both knees and clapped her hands excitedly. "Come to Mommy, guys! Come to Mommy!"

Her brother and two children were assembled on the other side of the Shack living room. They had only begun their annual summer vacation up north and already major things were happening, and thankfully not in the unnerving paranormal ways that were all too routine for their Clan. Mabel's two one-year-olds had reached a new milestone, and were finally beginning to toddle about on their own two feet. Since then their mother had been using every chance she got to try and get them up and walking.

"C'mon! Coooome to Mommy!" She pat the floor in front of her and continued to coo. "C'mon!"

It took some effort on his part, but her little son Finn successfully righted himself up onto his feet. He then excitedly then proceeded to toddle on over into his mother's wide open arms. The tot laughed as she raised him up into the air with a celebratory cheer.

"Yaaay, you did it! Awesome job, sweetie!" She planted an enormous kiss on his forehead, settled him by her side and grinned at her daughter. "Your turn, Glad-Glad! Come to Mommy!"

The little girl instinctively started crawling over, but her uncle dutifully pulled her right back. "Nope, not quite. Here, let's get you started. Aaand up we go…"

Dipper grabbed her sides and hoisted her up onto her feet. After letting her take an assisted step, he let go. Gladys wavered about unsteadily for a moment, then tumbled right back down on her rear. She looked to her mother and whimpered.

"It's easy, sweetie! Just like yesterday! C'mon, it's only a quick little walkie-walk!" Mabel piled on the warm encouragement. "Just do like your brother did!. C'mon! C'mon, hun-bun!"

The little girl knew she wasn't allowed to crawl, but besides that she was at a total loss. Gladys looked to her mother, back to her uncle and whined again.

"Look! Look!" Mabel now waved about her daughter's favorite stuffed animal. She flapped the fluffy yellow duck's plush wings."It's Mister Quackers! Oooh, he wants to play with you soooo badly! Quack quack! Come on over to Mister Quackers! Quack quack quack!"

The little girl still wouldn't budge. Instead she stretched her arms out as far as she possibly could, surprising neither Mabel or Dipper. Right from the start, she had always been far more cautious than her brother. Her softie of an uncle gave her a comforting pat on the head.

"It's okay. Maybe next time."

"If by 'next time' you mean right now!" Mabel bounced on over to plan C without a moment's hesitation. She reached next to her and produced a shoebox.

A shoebox that was definitely moving. Her brother eyed it suspiciously. "...What is that!"

"Incentives!" With a twirl of her hand she opened the box up and produced two extremely unhappy-looking gnomes. The mere sight of the little nuisances put Dipper on high alert.

"Mabel! What are you-"

"It's okay!" She assured. "I made sure to wash them!"

True to her word, both little creatures were noticeably damp as they squirmed helplessly in her hands.

"Unhand me!" Jeff, long-reigning chief of the forest gnomes, demanded fiercely. "I said unhand me! C'mon, seriously, unhand me!"

His yells fell on deaf ears as Dipper continued to protest. "That's not what I...what are you doing bringing them inside?"

"I found Glad-Glad watching them from the window when a bunch of them were rooting around the Shack yesterday." She explained, right before she lit up with an excited gasp. "Dipper, look!"

Her son stayed back as he warily looked over the strange, hairy miniature men. But her daughter had locked right on to the ridiculous little things with a wide-eyed gaze of utter fascination. Immediately she began to squirm until Dipper finally let her go.

"Yeah!" The crafty young mother beamed. "Look at what Mommy has! Two little fuzzy friends for you to play with!"

"I'm nobody's plaything!" Jeff yelled. " I am ruler of all the-HEY! Hey, stoppit!"

"Oooohhh, look! Look, hun-bun!" She started shaking them, sending little limbs and beards flapping about. "They're doing a little dance now for you now! Doo doo be doo, bup bup ba daaa…"

Gladys babbled excitedly as she braced herself against the floor. The child hoisted herself up onto two feet, and would toppled right onto her back had not her uncle caught her in time.

"I gotcha! It's okay!" He hurriedly assured. As he positioned the eager tot onto steady footing, he started to undergo a change of heart. Maybe his twin was onto something.

"Glaaaadyyyys! Loooooook!" Mabel sang. "Gnome dance party!"

"This is undignified!" Her bait cried. He looked to the baby boy watching him. "Don't just sit there! Help!"

Finn just blew his tongue at the hopelessly trapped creature. Meanwhile, Gladys dawdled on the other side of the room. After the longest pause, she finally took one shaky step. Then another. Another. Then another. And then another. And every time she successfully touched down and kept her balance, Mabel's toothy smile kept spreading wider and wider until it threatened to encompass her entire face.

"Yeah, there we go! Keep going! A little more...little more….a little...bit….more…. ooohhh, you're almost there, sweetie…." She poured on the encouragement. "Just a little more...c'mon, you're almost there! Lookit these fuzzy little guys! You just want to give them a biiiiig hug, don't you? Little more…..little more….Dipper calm down."

"I'm fine." Dipper shot back, even though he protectively hovered no less than a foot away from his niece the entire time. As soon as she got into grasping range, Gladys happily pounced on Jeff with a squeaky cry.

"OW! Easy, easy!" He whined as he was squeezed like a new stuffed animal. "I-OW! I'm forest royalty, you know! This is no way to treat someone of my stature!"

Things unfortunately only got even worse when he found himself crushed by a hug-within-a-hug. Mabel quickly packed up the other gnome before she swept up both her daughter and forest denizen.

"You did it! Good job, honey!" Dripping with parental pride, she planted kiss after kiss on the tot's chubby baby cheeks. The gnome chief meanwhile continued to go completely ignored in the midst of the mini-celebration. His fury rapidly skyrocketed to new heights, and finally he exploded with rage.

"You dare treat me like this? Fools! Fools, all of you! I am the leader of an ancient and powerful race! You'll all pay for your heinous crimes against gnomedom, you hear me? This disrespect will never be forgotten! You've crossed us for the final time! My people will never rest until justice has been served-" Gladys hugged him even tighter, and his rant was choked off with a loud gag.

"Well…." Dipper grinned and shrugged apologetically at his sister. "That's definitely one way to do it."

"Grade-A Mom, right here!" Mabel boasted shamelessly. After a bit of coaxing, she swapped the bearded ball of anger for her daughter's beloved stuffed duck and packed him away back into the box. "Okay, we're all done here! Throw these out for me, bro-bro?"

"With pleasure." He happily took up the repackaged creatures as Mabel loaded her hips up with her infants. As they and trooped over to the front door he admitted, "You know, it actually feels pretty good to finally get some use out of these guys for once."

"Oh, I'm with you there, one million percent!" His twin agreed.

"HEY! I can hear you, you know-" Jeff's protest was cut short when Dipper reopened the box unceremoniously dumped the little-fairy men out as if he was merely emptying a garbage can.

"Okay sweeties, time to wave bye-bye to our friends! Wave bye-bye! Bye-bye!" Mabel sang. Her children did as their mother asked, and Gladys waved her little arms with double the zeal of her brother. With the lesson now officially concluded, Mabel led the way back inside. "Now let's get ourselves a biiiiiig celebration snack. Goldfish crackers for everyone!"

Soos let out a distant cheer from the gift shop. Dipper deftly shut the door tightly behind him, leaving the gnomes to collect themselves. After brushing himself up, uncrumpling his hat and shaking the dirt from his beard, Jeff gazed up at the towering Mystery Shack

"Uh, that's right! You go in there and...and you think about what you've done! Uh-huh!" He did his best to salvage a scrap of dignity. "Yeah...yeah, I bet you're all feeling pretty guilty about what you did, aren't you? I bet you are! I curse you to...to feel bad about this for a thousand years!"

At this point they had been joined by a bright-eyed pig. Waddles IV showered them both with hot breath as he sniffed them curiously. The gnome leader huffed indignantly.

"That goes for you too! A thousand...no, two thousand years of guilt for you and all of your cla-HEY!"

The little animal bit his beard and started chewing away like it was gum. As he was given an involuntary trim, the gnome chieftain let out a heavy sigh.

"This….is a very dark day for our people." He murmured sadly. Jeff stewed morosely for only a beat before he shot his minion an impatient glance. "Well, what are you waiting for? Find some scissors or something! Seriously, what do I pay you for?"

"You don't pay us anything, sir. That's not how it works." He reminded meekly, which earned him a frustrated glower.

"Now is really not the time to talk about this, Craig..."


	21. Awkward

The collection of shoppers browsing the lingerie store was by no means a homogenous bunch. Yet even in spite of this, one of them still managed to stand out from like a sore thumb. Not only did she bear a distinct odor of sweat and freshly cut wood, but she was the only person there dressed in heavy work jeans, boots, and an empty leather pouch that had been holding a hatchet right up until she entered the mall.

"...Let's see what we got here….oh man...?" Wendy Pines chuckled at the absurdly skimpy items hanging on the bargain rack. As she hunted for a good deal, she would pause every now and then to pass a furtive glance around. Not only did she look out of place, but she definitely felt out of place. It would be the understatement of the century to say that she had never been a big fan of anything to do with frills or silk. She unashamedly purchased all her underwear in value packs, and always went to bed in flannel sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt. But with a particular holiday upon her, she couldn't help but feel pressured to do something.

She then took out one particularly scandalous number, looked it over once and then promptly burst out laughing as she underwent a rapid change of heart.

"No way." The young woman chuckled. This wasn't her. This was just so not her that she literally could not even handle it. She was probably better off trying her luck at a bookstore. Knowing her doofus then he'd probably be just as happy-

"WENDY!" A familiar squeak of a voice interrupted her train of thought and gave her a mild panic attack.

"_GAH_!" She whirled around with a massive start. Like magic her sister-in-law was suddenly right there outside the mall store, complete with a stroller loaded with two sleeping tots. Without a second thought Mabel energetically wheeled in her little twins before Wendy could make a hasty escape.

"Hey, how're you doing?" The bubbly brunette began babbling away at a mile a minute. Grinning from ear to ear, she looked down at her little ones. "Look, hun-buns! It's your Aunt Wendy! Say hi!"

She pushed the stroller back and forth and threw her voice with a high-pitched chirp on their behalf. "Hi!"

"Uh...Hey, Mabes." Wendy had never wanted to try to hide in a clothing rack so badly before in her entire life. The color of her burning face was now matching her scarlet locks no way out of this moment, she asked bluntly, "So….you're never letting me live this one down, huh?"

"Live down what?" Mabel laughed before taking her first good long look around the store. Wendy watched her rosy-cheeked face rapidly contort with utter horror as she registered what was going on.

"...Ew." A shudder of disgust raced through Mabel like a lightening bolt. Then another. Followed by another. "Ew….ewwwww….ew, ew, ew….gross….ooohhh, so gross….ew….ooohhh, no. No. No! No, no, no, no! Gross! Gross! Gross!"

By now she was flapping her arms and hopping about. Finally the revolted young woman hurriedly reached down and gathered one of her twins into her arms. Finn whined crankily as his sleep was interrupted.

"I'm sorry, hun-bun." She apologized, cuddling her son close like an unsettled child would desperately clutch a stuffed animal. "It's okay, shhhhhh….just let Mommy have this…."

Wendy cracked up with relief. She felt much better now that the both of them were uncomfortable as could possibly be. "What are you even doing right now? Are you taking the kids for a walk or something here?"

The adoring aunt paused to give her niece an overdue pat on the head. "Hey there, cutie."

"What? No way!" Mabel shot back defensively. "It's a always a nice sunny park or nothing for us. You're taken the babies out a billion walks, you know our standards for outside fun! I'm just here to help out-uuuuuhhhhhh…"

She fumbled over her own lips as she tried to catch herself. Mabel glanced behind her, then threw together a hastily assembled fib. "Help out….uh, get something for...Waddles. Ha, it wasn't helping my brother shop or anything like that, haha! He can totally do his own shopping! Ha...haha…..yup, he's definitely not here….."

And that was how Wendy knew that a certain young man was undoubtedly nearby. Wendy snickered like mad as she looked around. "Okay, I know you're out there, dude. C'mon."

There was a brief wait, and Dipper sheepishly sauntered out of hiding and into view, stopping just short of the store entrance. "Uh….hey."

"Hey." She watched her husband's cheeks rapidly go even redder before she noticed that she still had a jet-black silk number in her hands. She snorted and hastily stowed it back. However, the damage was already done - the sight made Dipper lose his voice for a full ten seconds. Mabel meanwhile kept wincing unhappily with disgust.

It was official. Together they had set a new family record. Peak discomfort.

"I….uh, was kind of having a little trouble." Dipper forced himself to confess , all the while furiously scratching the anxious itch prickling on the back of his neck.

Wendy smiled assuringly as she gestured around her. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not really swimming in creative ideas right now. I mean,...look!"

She grabbed an item off the nearby rack. The two-piece set that she had plucked up ended up having less material than an average washcloth. Everything had now gotten so absurd that Wendy completely lost it at that point, and she burst out into a fit of uncontrollable chuckling. When she noticed the odd looks she was getting from other shoppers, this she only made her laugh even harder with embarrassment.

Dipper could only stand there and watch her lose it for so long before taking action. He took a deep breath, and readied himself as if he were about to walk across hot coals. A curious Mabel was quick to take out her phone. She had no idea what was going on, but as his sister, she sensed that something magical was about to happen.

The young man raised his foot, then took the first step inside the store. Soon he was face to face with his amusedly surprised wife.

"Dude," She chortled. "What are you doing?"

"Uh….making it so you're not the most uncomfortable person here?" Now that he had to actually say it, the idea wasn't sounding half as good as it did a mere five seconds earlier. However, it was far too late. There he was, the lone man in the store standing surrounding by thin lacy undergarments everywhere he looked. In no time he had turned so scarlet that he practically looked like a scrawny walking tomato.

"Regretting it yet?" She ribbed.

"Juuussst a little bit." Dipper understated with a pained grimace. "Oof. Did not think this through at all."

The smile that had spread across her face was close to record-breaking. As she shook with mirth, Wendy herded her awkwardly thoughtful husband the several feet back out of the store where Mabel was waiting. The brunette bounced from foot to foot as she erupted with a strange combination of barking squeaks and half-exclamations. She was hopelessly torn on whether she wanted to gush at the romance of it all or laugh herself silly at her hapless twin.

"Oooohhhh, you just…." She let out another part sequel, part giggle. "Omigosh, omigosh…."

"I have had so many better ideas than that." He deadpanned.

"But not many. Nice work back there, hero." Wendy lovingly teased as she drew him into a hug. "How about we share a milkshake in the food court and call ourselves done?"

"Deal." The young man quickly agreed with a grateful gasp. The jointly embarrassed couple sealed the deal with a hug and together they headed off walking hand in hand together. Or at least they tried to. However they only made it ten steps before Dipper realized his sister hadn't budged. He stopped and turned to find her busy trying to gently wake her children and show them the video she had just taken on her phone.

"Look! Look!" She giddily replayed the scene in front of her twins' half opened eyes. "See your silly uncle? See? Look at him go!"

"Well, that's getting rubbed in my face forever." Dipper matter of factly accepted his fate with a shrug.

"Yeah it is!" Mabel cheerily made no effort to hide the fact.

"C'mon, you know it was worth it." Wendy snorted. She easily plastered a smile back up on his face with a quick comforting squeeze and an unhesitant declaration. "Best Valentine's Day _ever_…"


	22. Wait What I Don't Even

After getting smacked in the emotions by yet another massive heart-wrencher of an episode, I decided to pull this out of the rough drafts and lighten the day with some...well, you'll see. As usual, enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"_OW_! For cryin' out loud…."

The pounding of the rain outside was momentarily drowned out by the gruff yell that tore through the Mystery Shack. The thin slipper of one Stanley Pines was simply no match for the toys scattered on the floor. He launched into an awkward dance of pain that sent him stumbling around the room. Leaning extra heavily on his eight-ball cane, he looked over the minefield of building blocks he had unwittingly trod right across. Toy messes just like this were hardly unusual his great-niece and nephew came up for the summer, but usually they would at least make an effort to push everything out of the way.

"Oh, c'mon." he groaned. "Now why would they leave out-"

His answer came quicker than expected. With cardboard tubes grasped tightly in their little hands, his great-great niece and nephew practically tumbled into the den. Their mother followed a moment later with a spectacularly ungraceful roll that sent her glasses flying.

"Ambush positions! Go! Go!" She whispered. Trying their best to stifle their giggles, the little ones pressed themselves tightly against the wall on either side of the door. Mabel hastily scooped up her prescription eyewear and hid behind the old armchair.

Sensing incoming absurdity, Stan wisely shuffled out of the way just as Dipper marched into view. The young man made sure to keep his movements rigid and stiff while he unblinkingly dazed straight ahead. He was so committed to the role that they could practically hear him clank.

"Scanning…." He stopped in the doorway and announced in a flat, robotic monotone. "Organic life detected! By the power programmed into me by the Department of Robo-Sheriffs, I order you to show yourselves-"

"For the Star-Pig Claaaaaaaaaan!" Mabel roared out a peculiar battle cry and charged. She playfully karate-chopped right in her brother's side. "Hi-YAH!"

"Twenty percent damage sustained! Self-defense mechanisms activate! Aiming….charging weapons systems….LASERS ONLINE! ENGAGE!" Dipper temporarily broke character with a chuckle before he fired an imaginary beam.

Mabel gripped her shoulder and took a theatrical spill. "I'm hit! Protect me, my brave warriors!"

Cheering shrilly, Gladys and Finn pounced on their uncle. A couple light hits was all it took to get him to drop to his knees.

"Error! Error! Ninety percent damage sustained!" He cried. "Weapons offline….targeting systems offline...error….err-or!"

Still keeping committed to his role, he tumbled stiffly onto his side. The victors however had little time to celebrate before a new "foe" emerged. With arms stretched wide, Wendy swooped in from the other side of the room, letting off with a bird-like screech that nearly spooked Stan out of his skin.

"Now what?" He lamented, retreating back into a corner.

"Gotcha!" The skinny redhead swept her niece and nephew up into her arms.

"No! Traitor!" Mabel cried out in convincing mock-dismay. "We had a deal!"

"What, you thought you could trust an Astro-pterodact…" Wendy temporarily broke character when she started cracking up. Her acting skills still had a ways to go compared to her husband and sister-in-law. "Wait, wait, hold on. Okay, what am I supposed to be again?"

"An Astro-dactyl!" Finn corrected.

"Anything else?" She asked with an amused grin as she let their healthy imaginations set the scene.

"You a bad guy now!"

"And you live inna biiiiig, moon-nest, fah away!" Gladys added.

"Sweet." She took care to jump over the fallen Dipper before "flying" off upstairs with her giggly prey.

"Heeeelp!" Gladys yelled in faked distress. "Mommy, gotta save us now!"

"Aunt Wenny, you gotta make the dinosaur noises! Gotta make 'em!" her brother demand. Wendy just cackled as they all vanished from sight.

"My warriors! Nooooooooo!" Even with her children out of the scene, Mabel still it her very all. She stretched her hand, let loose with a hoarse cry then collapsed in expertly pretended despair.

For a moment, her great-uncle wondered whether to applaud their over-the-top performances or not. He opted instead to just stand there for a few moments, stewing in bemusement. Mabel meanwhile turned around and finally acknowledged him.

"Hi Grunkle Stan!" She noted the wooden block still in his hand, and in short order noted spotted the rest still scattered around him on the floor. "Whoops! Forgot all about that!"

Dipper quickly resurrected himself, and started gathering up the toys with his sister. "We'll take care of this."

"So…..uh…." Stan scratched the back of his neck. "You wanna let me in on what was going on just now, with all that….I don't even know where to…."

To both his amazement and dismay, things managed to get even stranger when a shirtless, tinfoil-helmeted teddy bear of a man ambled into the room.

"Sorry for the wait, dudes. My armor took way longer than I thought." Soos apologized. He noticed the odd stare his boss was now shooting him, and he broke out into flattered smile. "Like it, Stan? I'm a Galactic Samurai-borg."

"For crying out….I didn't ask, Soos." The severely discomforted old man shot back.

"Sorry about the mess, Grunkle Stan!" His great-niece apologetically chirped just as the last of the toys had been cleared away out of anyone's path. "It's just been one of those afternoons, you know?"

"Actually, not in the slightest." He replied with his usual gruff bluntness.

"Sure you do!" She happily asserted right back with a toothy smile. "Just one of those rainy days where everything you do keeps turning into a game of Space-Ninjas…"


	23. Plus One

Between the new episode and promise of new ones to come soon, I got in a writing mood this week. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"...Oooohhhh, grocery time, grocery time!" Mabel improvised a song as she maneuvered the cart through the bustling store, with her little ones bouncing about by her sides. "Gonna buy some milk, some veggies, and maybe a lime, ohhh it's gro-"

"Mommy! Mommy, look!" Her daughter grabbed her pant leg and began pointed excitedly. The young woman looked up, and her eyes were immediately drawn to the lanky redhead hunting around at the end of the aisle.

"Hey, we know her!" Mabel laughed, then flashed a smile at her equally excited tots. "Well, don't just stand there, sillies!"

The twins needed no further encouragement, and charged their unsuspecting aunt. Before a startled Wendy Pines knew what was going on, she had a beaming three-year-old latching affectionately onto each leg.

"Hi Aunt Wenny!"

"Hiiiiiiii!"

"Hey there, Wen-Wen!" Mabel quickly caught up. "How's our….uhhh…."

Wendy's heavily watering green eyes made it immediately clear that all wasn't well. Nevertheless she wiped her face and tried put on a fragile smile. "H-hey."

"Wen?" Mabel's face crumpled up thick with worry. "Everything all right?"

"No, they moved all the pasta sauces to a different aisle, and I…I-I just…" Feeling acutely aware of how absurd she was sounding, she quickly put a lid on it. Her sister-in-law, niece, and nephew all gawked at her in justified confusion. It wasn't often that they saw their bag of ice behave like this.

"What's going on here?" Mabel asked gently.

"Honestly? You tell me." She glowed beet-red with embarrassment. "I've been feeling so off the last couple days, it's insane. I've been feeling so exhausted like, all the time, and I haven't even been having any trouble sleeping lately. And thanks to that, I've been getting all stupid moody, and it's...I don't even know. One minute I'm fine, and the next I'll just be like, freaking out over nothing. It's like riding a roller coaster. And now I can't even stop at the store without having a total meltdown, and….."

She put the brakes on her rant when she noticed that her sister-in-law's chocolate brown eyes were bulging far enough to almost knock her glasses off. "Uh...Mabes?"

The stunned brunette needed a moment to figure out how to best phrase it This wasn't the kind of thing that one just blurted out. "I...I've actually had that before-"

"Wait. really?" Wendy gasped gratefully. "So what is it, some kind of flu bug, or-"

"Hold on, lemme finish!" Mabel cut in. "I had the same thing…..about three years ago."

"And…..?" The redhead asked.

"Um...Three years ago?" She tried gently hinting again.

"Okay….and…?" Wendy couldn't help but sound a little impatient. She still wasn't getting it.

"Three. Years. Ago." Mabel pointed vigorously to the two three-year-olds still clinging tightly to their aunt's legs. It wasn't until she mimed a swollen stomach that Wendy finally figured it out.

"H-holy…" She just barely managed to censor herself. detached her niece and nephew as quickly yet gently as she could. Wendy was so overwhelmed that she at first could barely speak above a stammer. "Meet me….m-meet me back at...uh…."

"Your place?" Mabel finished. The lanky woman nodded wordlessly, then fired off towards the store pharmacy like a flannel missile.

They rendezvoused at the little apartment Wendy and Dipper called home. The redhead thanked her lucky stars that her husband wasn't going to be off work for a while longer. That left her plenty of time to down a couple glasses of water and pace around her kitchen while trying to manage the thousand thoughts flying around in her head.

"You ready yet?" Mabel asked as she exited the bedroom. She made sure to shut the door behind her as her tots went down for their scheduled afternoon nap.

"I-I think so." As she opened the box of tests, her trademark cool was absolutely nowhere to be found as she tried to process everything. Mabel meanwhile was a stark contrast. She had long since gotten over her initial shock, and was now close to bursting with excitement as she followed her sister-in-law down the hall to the bathroom.

"Oooohhhh, I don't believe it! I don't believe it!" She skipped along with a squeal,wearing a smile big enough to split her face in half. You might be a-"

"Look, let's try not to jinx it. or….or whatever." Wendy didn't even know what she was talking about. She was an utter mess of conflicting emotions all doing fierce battle inside her. The lanky woman took a deep breath, steadied herself, and headed in.

"Do you know yet?" Mabel anxiously rapped on the door only a few moments later.

"I haven't even sat down. Give it a sec."

"Sorry! Can't help it!" The young woman impatiently milled about. Each moment ticked away like an hour, and each second like a day as she toyed with fantasies of aunthood. Eventually the wait became utterly painful beyond what her endurance could handle, she pressed her cheek back up against the door. "Do you know yet?"

"What? It's only been ten seconds!" Wendy answered back.

"Sorry!" Mabel waited for what she was positive was the equivalent of a century before her endurance cracked again. "How about-"

"No."

"...Now?"

"Dude, I know you're excited, but I can't go with you talking to me like that!"

"Sorry! I just...no, sorry, no more talking from me!" Mabel buttoned her lip and took to pacing up and down the hall instead. After what felt like another excruciating eternity, Wendy finally emerged with plastic test in hand.

"Done. We should know in a couple minutes." Not sure what else to do, she wandered into the little living room and sat tensely on the edge of the sofa. Mabel followed along, doing impromptu dances of joy all the way. But when she took a seat down next to her sister-in-law, it was only then that she realized she was the only one ready to celebrate. Wendy meanwhile looked like she was about to throw up.

"Aren't you excited?" She asked curiously. "Even a little bit?"

"Yes? Maybe? This is...it's just happening way too fast, I don't even…." She began rocking her head in her hands. It didn't take long for Mabel to figure it out.

"Freaking out about Dipper?"

"That's definitely a big part of it. I mean, we're kind of talked about this, but...we definitely didn't set any solid plans." She confessed. "And if this is really happening, then I'm going to have to drop this on him, and….I-I have literally zero idea how I'm going to do that without making his brain explode. I mean, he almost lost his mind completely when we kissed the first time. I don't even know how I'm gonna handle something like…."

As she babbled, Wendy had now started fidgeting uncontrollably with her long scarlet locks as her mind raced. "And me. A mom. Me. There might be a little person relying on me for almost anything and….great, nothing can go wrong there. Nope, not at all. Just nominate me for parent of the year right now-"

Mabel interrupted her with a loud snorting laugh. Taken completely off guard, Wendy cocked an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"What's so..." She giggled and shook her head. "You! You are! I mean, listen to yourself and all your crazy blah blah blah! Okay, let me break it down for you. First, okay sure my bro-bro can spazz out over anything like it's nobody's business. But you know what he loves more than freaking out? Oh should I say, whooo he loves more? Here's a hint!"

She booped her sister-in-law on the nose. "His favorite person is going to be making a smaller favorite person. He'll only be able to lose his mind for so long before happiness takes over. That's a fact!"

"But-" Wendy's protest went absolutely nowhere.

"It's a fact!" She confidently repeat. "Second, where's all this anxiety stuff coming from? It's crazy talk! Stupid nonsense poop crazy talk! This is you that we're talking about. Wendy, who helped raised allll three of her own bro-bros! And as much as I love my babies to death, I wouldn't know where I'd be if their Uncle Dipper and Aunt Wenny weren't helping me out right from the start, and doing an awesome job might I add."

"I…" Wendy blushed at the praise. "That's just being an aunt, it's different. And my-"

Mabel blew a wet raspberry. "Oh _thhhbbbt_! If anyone's got this, it's you. And especially…"

She clapped her hands around hers with a fat reassuring grin. "Since you've got _me_ right here for you. And as long as you've got a Mabel, then you are as good as gold."

For the first time since her initial shock, Wendy broke out into a wan grin. "It's so nice to finally have a sister to talk about this stuff with, you have no ide-"

At the mention of the S-word, Mabel let out an involuntary squeal and nearly crunched Wendy right there in a hug before the redhead stopped her. "Whoa! Okay, okay, promise me one thing. I might have a lot to deal with in a couple minutes, so….could you try not to do any crazy freak-out stuff? I mean, just for a little bit."

"One Mabel guarantee, coming up!" The irrepressible brunette solemnly crossed her heart, and then went back to barely containing her own excitement. "Ooooh! Oooohhh, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait! Soon we might have a teenie tiny little-"

"Let's not jump ahead here. We don't even know for sure if-" Suddenly, Wendy felt like all she could see was the bright black positive symbol that flashed before her. Time seemed to freeze as her heart leapt up into her throat.

"Ohmigod…." She gasped, unable to believe her eyes. "Oh...my…."

Mabel instantly forgot all about the promise she made no more than ten seconds earlier. A joyous scream burst out of her, followed by another, and another, each one louder and shriller than the very last as she completely lost her mind.

"Yes! YES! YES! BABYYYYYYYYY! Babybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby! Oooooohhhhhhh, baby! Baby!" She snared her sister-in-law in a hug. "First sisters in Pines-hood, and now sisters in motherhood, you and me! Welcome to the club, Wendy!"

"Gah! Hey, can you-" The stunned mother-to-be tried to get in a word.

"And welcome to the family, sweetie-pie!" Mabel knelt down, greeted her new niece or nephew and nuzzled the redhead's stomach. She then proceeded to race around the room, pumping her arms like a happy maniac. "A baby! A baby! Yes! Yes! You and Dipper! This...this is one of the greatest days of my whole entire life! You! Dipper! And a baby! Baby! Haha!"

Wendy meanwhile hadn't even begun to try and wrap her head around it all yet. She just sat rooted to the spot, struggling to grasp the magnitude of her new reality. As if that moment wasn't too much to deal with already, she suddenly heard the frantic scratching of a key at the door. Her heart immediately dropped straight into the pit of stomach. Someone was back home far earlier than she had expected.

"Oh, come on!" She cursed.

"Wendy? Mabel! Guys?" Dipper's muffled cries rang out. The young man was justifiably panicked to come home at the end of a long day only to hear a bunch of screaming. He nearly barged the door down as he charged on in, ready for action. "What's going on-"

His twin pounced with a happy shriek. Suddenly he found himself supporting her entire weight as she wrapped her arms and legs around him in a crushing full-body embrace.

"M-Mabel!" He yelped. "What are you-"

"CONGRATULATIONS!" She rattled his eardrums. "Oh my God, Dipper, I'm so happy for you! I can't believe it, but it's real! This is happening! It's happening! Big family stuff, happening right now, right at this very instant! You and Wendy and your very own little…ooohhhh, I don't believe it! I can't, I can't, I can't!"

She erupted with another primal shriek of joy before finally letting go. Mabel then excitedly raced to the back of the apartment to wake her children and tell them about their new cousin.

"GODMOTHER!" She yelled as she ran off. "Claiming it now! That's me! You have no other choice! Aunt and godmother! I'm going to be it's everything!"

"W-what is going on here?" Dipper struggled to get a grip on the situation. He looked to his wife. "What is she talking about?"

Wendy froze up like a deer in headlights. This was it. She took a long, deep breath as she prepared herself for the inevitable moment. She could do this. She knew she could. All she had to do was take it nice and slow, and break it to him as easily as she-

"I'm pregnant." The news tumbled out before she could even realize her lips were flapping. The bombshell immediately rendered the young man completely stiff. For the first few seconds he could only stare with a vacant, wide-eyed gaze as he blew a mental fuse. They looked like a pair of wax statues as they stood stock-still, meeting each other's bug-eyed gaze.

"...W-what?" He managed to reply as his bag slipped loosely off his shoulder.

"I...I'm...I-I'm pregnant." Wendy repeated back.

"..._What_?" He repeated stupidly. She waved the positive test. Dumbly he took it into his hands and went slack-jawed. "Wait….wait….I…..wait….."

"I'm pregnant, Dipper." As she broke the news to his face yet again, she was surprised by the spark of excitement that suddenly began tugging at the corners of her mouth. before she even knew it, she was smiling like an idiot. She ran a hand over her belly and give the little addition hiding inside a quick, tender pat.

"Wait…..wait, so we…..wait…..we're…...wait, I…..w-wait…." Dipper continued to blabber.

"Yeah….so….that's a thing that's happening." She understated with a half-nervous, half-giddy laugh. But as he continued to merely gawk at her in a silent daze, her smile faltered. "Uh…..Dipper?"

For a moment she thought that she had broken her husband. Finally he seized back control of his body, and jerkily staggered forward. His bulge-eyed, slack-jawed expression didn't change one bit as he gathered her close. It may have only been a wordless hug, but for her husband it was indescribably better than what she feared. She practically melted with relief into the awkward embrace.

It was at this point that Mabel made a joyous return. After being woken early from their nap, her tots rocked confusedly in her arms as she bounced about the apartment, unable to stay still for even an instant.

"Mommyyyy!" Finn rubbed his eyes with a cranky whine.

"...Baby! B-A-B-Y, baby! Babyyyyyyyy!" Mabel whooped nonstop to them. "You're getting a cousin! A little baby cousin in a couple months! Baby! A new little baby! One more cutie for our family! Three mini-Pines and counting! Ooohhh, Auntie Mabel wants to hold it already! A brand new baby on the waaaay! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes….."

"Everything is different now." Dipper finally broke his silence, speaking barely above a whisper.

As the already enormous smile continued to spread across the incredulous mother-to-be's face. Wendy chuckled hoarsely as ruffled his hair. "Yeah...that's a good way to put it…."


	24. She's Here Now

"...Mama? Mama?" The whimpering cries rang out from inside the wooden cabin. By the time the preteen finally heard them, they had already started to turn into sobs. With a gasp she sprinted from the mailbox and back inside her home as fast as her scrawny legs could get her there.

By the time she made it to her youngest brother, it was too late. The mere two-year-old had literally collapsed into tears on the floor of the living room. Twin rivulets trickled down the sides of his face as he bawled directly into the rug. "M-Mama! Mama!"

"I'm sorry!" She sputtered apologetically. "I was just getting the mail, I'm sorry!"

She tried gathering him up into her arms, but the little boy struggled at first. He squirmed and pushed, protesting loudly all the while. "No!"

"It's gonna okay, I'm here-"

"I want M-Mama!" He yelped. "I want Mama!"

"It's okay," The girl tried her very best to comfort him. "It's okay-"

"NO!" Her youngest brother wailed. "Mama! I-I want Mama!"

His frantic demands made her heart wrench. There was honestly nothing more that she wanted to do then to be able to tell simply assure him that their mother was going to be back soon. She wanted so badly to tell him that any minute she was going to saunter on in and be there for them once again, and everything was truly going to be just fine.

"Mama! Mama! Mamaaaaaaa!" Each wail that sputtered from the little boy in her arms became thicker with despair. His body trembled uncontrollably, no matter how much she hugged him, or how many frantic assurances she whispered. He still just couldn't understand.

As she struggled with him, there was only so much she could handle before she could feel her emerald eyes start to prickle. Desperately she tried to fight it back, but she had already been fated to lose this little battle. She too really wanted nothing more for those familiar slender arms to wrap around her and hold her close, and for that singsong dulcet voice to tell her it was all going to be okay. She'd give literally anything in the world for either, even just one more time.

The room soon starting blurring as her pale cheeks grew wet with hot tears. Soon she choking back the raspy sobs best as she could. Still she tried to provide what little comfort she could, even while silently and fervently hoping that their father came back home soon.

"Mama! Where's Mama?!" Her brother cried out again before he became a complete wreck, finally burying his face in her bony shoulder. The emotionally ravaged girl couldn't take it any more. She cracked.

"I'm sorry." She sobbed, releasing a fresh flood down her face."I'm sorry..."

"I-I….I ….want…..Mama!" He started demanding again. And still she could do absolutely nothing except regretfully repeat herself over and over as they filled the cabin with a symphony of misery.

"I'm sorry….I'm sorry…"

* * *

Wendy Pines snapped awake with a violent grunt. But no sooner had she started moving when the two three-year-olds playing in the bedroom doorway immediately descended on her.

"Nuh-uh!" Finn squeaked. He and his sister clambered up onto the bed and draped their little bodies on top of her in an attempt to weigh her back down against the mattress.

"Gotta go back to sleep! Shhhh! It's youh naptime, Aunt Wenny! Go to sleeeep." Gladys said in a singsong lisp as she stroked her aunt's long, scarlet locks. "Shhhhhhh, back to sleep….back to sleeeeeeep….."

Wendy finally recognized her own little niece and nephew as they crawled all over her. At first the absolutely exhausted woman did precisely as they urged and let her head flop against the pillow. More rest sounded like a pretty good idea, at least as long as she didn't have any more horrid dreams. She winced at the images still freshly jumping about in her head. The stinging memory was blazing so strongly that she swore that she could still hear crying.

It took her a few seconds to realize that it was no dream holdover. The shrill wailing in her ears was in fact very real, and coming right down the hallway of the apartment. Instinctively she shot up like a jack-in-the-box.

"Noooo!" Finn yelped. Both the little twins dutifully fought to keep her from interrupting her own rest. "You gotta stay here!"

"Youh nap's not oveh yet!" Gladys tried stuffing one of her own stuffed animals under her aunt's arm.

A comical struggle followed between the half-dazed redhead and her defiantly helpful niece and nephew. By the time Wendy got moving, she had one child holding on tightly to her waist and another one clinging doggedly to her leg. Slowly but surely she staggered her way towards the den, where the older generation of Pines siblings were busy tending to a very fussy one-week-old.

"...It's okay…..shhhh….." Dipper was giving it everything he had as he paced about the living room, gently shushing and bouncing the little one-week-old in his arms. Running low on options, he launched into an old classic family tune. "Welllllll, who wants a lamby lamby lam-"

"No, no, don't do it like _that_. You're bouncing her all jerky-like." Mabel interrupted. "Here bro-bro, let me show you!"

"Thanks" Dipper almost deferred to her without a second thought; she was the veteran parent here after all. But then something occurred to him. "You just want to hold her again, don't you?"

His twin grinned as she kept her arms outstretched towards her tiny niece. "Guilty as charged! Now gimme."

"What? No, I'm not-"

"C'mon, fork that little munchkin over to her Auntie Mabel!"

"Quit it with the-" Their conversation was derailed when Wendy lurched in, dragging along two of the most stubborn children on the planet.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Mabel looked to her little ones. "Hun-buns, what happened? I told you to make sure that Aunt Wenny got a nice long nap!"

"But she got up, Mommy!" Gladys yelped.

"Wenny, you hafta go back to bed!" Finn yelled. Together the two continued trying their very hardest to bring their aunt down in what hard to be the most adorable futile effort ever.

"Sorry, I..." Wendy mumbled as she wiped at baggy green eyes. "I just….I-I really need-"

"Wen-Wen, you need take it from Mama Mabes' experience." Mabel explained matter-of-factly. "For the first couple weeks you need to take whatever rest you can get."

"But I….hey, c'mon," She protested as her sister-in-law tried to gently steer her around.

"She's right, you should be resting. You were up all night with….whoa." Dipper noticed the anxiety stamped on her face, and his sister followed shortly. It quickly became clear that this was more that just new-parent exhaustion that had her up and shambling about.

"Uh oh. You okay?" Mabel chirped concernedly. There was a flash of green flannel, and Dipper's arms were emptied so fast it was almost magic. In an instant Phoebe Mabel Pines had been snatched up. Once she could feel her daughter squirming against her, Wendy let out a sigh of instant relief.

"Hey there, cutie." She joked weakly. "What, did you miss me already?"

The baby grizzled into her shoulder. The tired new mother sprouted a fat grin as she gently swayed a little on her feet, absolutely relishing the simple fact that she could be there to hold her little fussbudget.

"...Wendy? You alright?" Dipper checked.

"Oooohh yeah. Now I am." She grinned.

The young man and his sister exchanged looks, and Mabel wordlessly confirmed his suspicions with a firm nod. Whatever was going on, this was definitely something not meant to be interrupted. The two adapted accordingly.

"All right, c'mon." Dipper gently guided his wife and daughter towards the sofa. Or at least he tried to; Wendy still had a pair of three-year-olds still gripping tenaciously to their aunt like glue. Just like their mother, the little twins took all their duties extremely seriously.

"Guys, relax." Wendy finally had a laugh at their undying persistence. "It's cool, you don't have to-"

"You're NOT done napping." Finn huffed at her.

"Okay, new task then! I need you to make sure your aunt and your cousin are as nice and cozy here as possible." Mabel said with a smile, before asking with a playful-serious look, "Now, do you two accept your mission?"

"YEAH!" Without delay they launched into a mad rush to shore up as many cushions around the lanky woman as possible, and they even dashed to their aunt and uncle's bedroom to commandeer the pillows.

"And if no one's doing any catch-up sleeping here, then you're going to need some extra help staying awake." Mabel bounced off towards the kitchen. "Triple shots of Mabel juice alllllll around!"

"Good idea." Wendy heartily approved with a yawn, Dipper not so much as he draped a blanket around her shoulders.

"How about just some coffee for me?" The young man hopefully asked.

"Okay, just a double shot of fresh Mabel Juice for you, then!" She aggressively compromised.

"What? No that's no what I asked for at all." He deadpanned.

"Whooooops! Sorry can't hear you!" She laughed as she turned on the blender. "Already started a new batch!"

"Seriously?" Dipper nodded apologetically to the mother of his child, then headed off after his twin. "Okay c'mon! Not once have I ever actually wanted a glass of…"

By now the tiny twins had constructed an oversized crude nest around Wendy. Once they shoved the last pillow into place, Gladys poked her aunt gently in the leg and asked hopefully, "Aunt Wenny? Can we guawd you again?"

"Please?" Her brother chirped.

"Knock yourselves out." Wendy chuckled as the ever-eager three-year-olds set themselves up on either side. Phoebe was still squirming and whimpering, but she had calmed down considerably from the mighty fuss she had been raising mere minutes before. Her mother grinned knowingly. "Oh, what? So you just needed me here? Is that it?"

The baby squeaked crankily and triggered a laugh out of Wendy. "Sorry, I was just taking a quick break. It's fine, you can chill out now….trust me, Mama's definitely not going anywhere…."


	25. Soos Will Be Soos

After the last two heavy-ish fics, here's something a little lighter based on the "Fixin' It with Soos" shorts. As always, hope you enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"...All right little dudes, almost done. Just like I promised, I'd have this back up and working in no time." Soos paused and grinned at his audience. "Remember, when something breaks, who can fixit?"

He cupped a hand over his ear as the eager cheers of the little three-year-old twins filled the den. "Uncle Soos can fixit!"

"That's right! High-five, guys!" The handyman held up a meaty palm for them to excitedly slap, then he went right back back to work putting the final touches on his latest challenge. The children fixedly watched on in bouncy anticipation. "Okay, so check it out. I'm making this baby bigger, better, and even more…."

Even with all the extra Pines visiting for their annual summer vacation, it was a pretty low key afternoon at the Mystery Shack. While Soos and the tykes were bonding in the living room, in the kitchen the others were enjoying lunch with an old friend.

"Ooooh, happy happy baby! Getting so big and healthy since I last saw you!" Candy raised Phoebe high into the air with an adoring coo. The child waved her chubby arms with a gurgle, and the woman's already massive grew even larger.

Mabel giggled with delight. "She just gets cuter and cuter every time! Don't you just want to hold her forever? Just look at those big shiny baby eyes, teeny tiny ears, button nose…"

"Don't forget, fat baby arms!" Candy fawned.

"Oooohhh, they are the chubbiest!" Mabel gushed. "Squish! Squish! Squishy squish!"

As she munched on her sandwich, Wendy reminded her obsessed sister-in-law jokingly, "Don't forget, you have your own kid. Two of them, in fact."

"Uh-huh! Mabel scored a total jackpot in the cutie lottery!" She grinned and yanked an invisible lever. "Ka-ching!"

"Speakin' off, where the heck are your rugrats anyway?" Stanley wondered out loud.

"Can't you hear them?" Dipper asked as he scratched Waddles IV behind the ears. "They're in the living room."

The old man turned up his hearing aid, and immediately grimaced at the sound of all the laughter. "I am officially disconcerted."

"Relax." His twin brother sighed into a glass of lemonade.

"It's Soos, and he's alone with Mabel's kids. You do the math." Stanley was never one to put things gently, least of all to his brother. "Look, I love the guy, but it's-"

"Ford's right, chill out." Wendy crumpled her napkin and tossed it at him. "He's awesome with them."

"I stand by my words." He said steadfastly. "It's something waiting to happen. May not be trouble, but it's something.

"C'mon Grunkle Stan, he's just helping repair-" Dipper's was cut off by the horrible shrieking peal rent that suddenly rent the air, giving them all a massive start. For a couple moments, everyone waited on edge in tense silence, even Waddles. The dead quiet broke a few moments later when approving cheers rang out from the living room.

"Again!" They could hear Finn shamelessly beg. "More!"

"Moah!" His sister repeated. "Moah, please!"

"Ha, you guys liked that, huh? Well if you think that was great-"

"Uh, Soos?" Wendy warily called. "What was that?"

"Don't worry, we're cool! I was just testing out the-" There was anothering shrieking whizz, followed by another, topped off with what sounded suspiciously like a tiny explosion.

"Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch!" Gladys shrieked. She and her equally panic-stricken brother were bolting into the kitchen and latched on tightly to their mother's legs.

"What's wrong, hun-buns?" Mabel awkwardly stood up and began dispensing with comforting pats.

"My bad, tiny dudes!" Soos apologized loudly. "I think I just-"

He was cut off by a sharp bang, which he followed up with a startled yell. All of a sudden it was as if a full-scale artillery barrage was roaring off in the living room. While everyone's eardrums were violently assaulted, acrid smoke started to rapidly fill the first floor.

"Abandon shack!" Stan cried. "Old men first!"

"Candyyyy, protect!" With a valiant cry Candy clasped the baby in her arms tightly close and sprung into action.

"What's going on?" Ford was forced to move with the speed of a man a third of his age as he jump to avoid the tiny streaks of fire rocketing their way.

"I'm going in!" Dipper covered his mouth and bravely entered the fray. His twin sister meanwhile tried to take command in the increasingly smoke-filled kitchen.

"This way, babies! The back door is...babies?" Not only were her children suddenly nowhere to be seen, but even her pet pig had abruptly vanished. Mabel whirled around just in time to catch a flash of movement out the window. A moment later everyone could see the faithful Candy frantically booking it to a safe distance, meanwhile carrying all three Pines children at even and even bearing Waddles IV dangled awkwardly over her shoulder.

"Oh wow. She's good." Stan couldn't help but remark, right before another tiny missile flew in and fizzled mere inches from his feet. "WAIT FOR ME!"

In his haste he ended up stuck, with his front dangling outside and his legs dangling back inside the kitchen. " I instantly regret this decision!"

Moving fast, Wendy flipped over the table. Together with her sister-in-law she took cover from the tiny missiles. "What's going on in there?"

"It's okay!" Dipper assured over the racket. "Looks like it's mostly just some smoke-"

A particularly loud crackling bang rent the air, and he immediately began singing a different tune. "Nevermind! I need reinforcements!"

"Dipper?" Mabel called.

"Dipper's down! I'm down!" He started crying frantically. "Dipper down!"

"Dude, what's happening-"

"DIPPER DOWN!"

"Oh for…." Ford groaned as he marched on in to handle the situation literally head on. "Why is their-"

He was almost immediately swallowed up by smoky chaos. "He was right!"

"Grunkle Ford, what-" Mabel tried to call out before he let out a yell of genuine panic.

"REINFORCEMENTS PLEASE!"

Mabel and Wendy looked grimly to one another, took deep breaths and then charged headlong into the chaos. For the next minute, the den was a confusing maelstrom of terrified screams, earsplitting whistles, constant bursts of spark and flame, and acrid grey clouds so thick that no one could see their hand in front of their face.

By the time the smoke started to settle, the living room resembled a miniature warzone. Coughing hard, Mabel blindly felt about in the gradually clearing fog of chaos until she stumbled across something large and soft to the touch.

"Soos?" She prodded what felt like a tubby belly. "Soos? You're not dead, are you?"

"Oh man, I hope not. I don't think I could handle being a ghost." He answered honestly while he shambled back onto two feet. Their visibility quickly improved when someone opened the front door, and a rush of fresh air circulated inside.

"All okay?" Candy cautiously re-entered the Shack, and slowly craned through the doorway. Two little heads joined her as the tiny twins took a wary look for themselves.

"Think so." Dipper then saw that he had spoken too soon. "WENDY!"

His wife immediately turned around. Luckily for her the sudden movement quickly extinguished the small fire that had been burning at the end of her hair. "What? What is it?"

"N-nothing. Just….uh….we're fine." He assured, even as he fussily checked her over for any lingering flames.

"One two three, oopsy daisy!" Mabel hauled her great uncle back up from where he had tumbled over a chair. Without everyone successfully accounted for, all eyes now turned to the handyman behind all the chaos.

"Uncle Soos? Isit over?" Finn asked.

"Yeah, little dude. Don't worry, it's okay." He reassured. An absolute sucker for ritual, Soos looked about until he located a badly scorched poster. "All right, so…..on a score of one to ten on the Awesometer here, what did you think about all that?"

"Wait...really?" Dipper groaned.

"Gotta follow protocol, dude." He said sheepishly. "So, on a scale of-"

"_Really_?" Dipper repeated.

"One out of ten." Wendy didn't need much time to make her decision.

"Seconded." Her husband agreed.

"Five. For effort!" Mabel tried going easier on her well-meaning friend. Something whizzed by and gave her a spook. Hastily she revised her score. "Four and a half."

"Wait. An awesometer?" Candy puzzled confusedly at the chart. Ford just mumbled grumpily to himself as he wiped his ash-covered glasses as best as he could.

"Can we give a negative score?" His brother was still hopelessly trapped back in the kitchen, "Negative three!"

Soos honorably accepted the all-time low rating with an understanding nod. "That's totally fair. Looking back, trying to jazz up Hungry-Hungry Hippos with that many fireworks was a pretty bad call on my part…"


	26. Trading Places

"...What the?"

Gravity Falls' burly sheriff eased the cruiser to a halt. A young man and a practically identical-looking woman were standing on a street corner, huddled close against one another, looking absolutely terrified out of their minds. Both kept constantly sweeping nervous wide-eyed gazes all around, as if they were expecting the entire universe to suddenly attack them at any moment right there on Main Street.

"Welp, looks like we got ourselves some funny business going on." The sheriff sighed wearily. An officer's work was never done. But before he could clamber out, his partner gently laid a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"We both know yer back's been botherin' you all day. You just sit tight here and I'll take care of it." The deputy selflessly volunteered with a reassuring grin. Blubs beamed like a hundred-watt lightbulb.

"Durland, sometimes you are just too good for this world." Affection soaked his deep bass.

"D'awww, tain't nothin'." The deputy had gone flush by the time he opened the door and crawled out As he approached, he kept his hands out and exposed, so as not to frighten the extremely nerve-wracked pair. "Hey, you folks doin' okay? What seems to be the prob-"

As he drew closer, the two hugged one another tightly. By the time he got within a few feet, their fear had escalated into a full-force panic. The woman began squeaking in a strangely high-pitched voice, "I don't know you! I DON'T KNOW YOU! DON'T KNOW YOU! Go' way! Go'way!"

"Ma'am? Ma'am, please!" The officer pled, trying to keep a handle as things started to spiral fast out of control. "All I need you to do is-"

"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!" The young man started to flap his scrawny arms wildly in frantic defense and batted Durland square on the nose.

"I'm hit! I'm hit!" He gasped into his walkie-talkie before backing right into cruiser with an audible thud. "Officer down! I repeat, officer down!"

"Come in, deputy!" Blubs barked worriedly into the radio, while his partner lay literally within arm's reach. "Come in!"

"They got me, sheriff! Back-up! I need back up! A-and an ice pack!" The deputy clutched his face and slumped dramatically to the ground. While the men of the law were occupied with one another, the suspects fired off like a pair of rockets, rushing blindly down the sidewalk in a confused panic.

"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!" The young man continued to sputter in a shrill voice that didn't match his size or apparent age at all. Together he and his sister struggled to manage their long limbs as they bungled along at an awkward lope.

"Wanna go home!" She wailed, nearly on the verge of tears.

A horn suddenly blasted at them from the street, followed by a grating screech of breaks as a battered pickup halted near the curb. Screaming in terror, the runaway pair immediately backed smack up against the nearest building. As their hearts pounded like kettledrums in their chest, the pair tried to flatten themselves against the wall as best they could. Thankfully, the first face that popped out was a familiar one.

"There you are!"Wendy didn't even get one foot out of the truck when a brown-haired toddler catapulted herself out of the back seat and onto the sidewalk.

"BABIES!" She hollered in a voice that was squeaky, yet still five pitches too deep for her apparent age. Both the "adults" became drenched with relief.

"MOMMY!" Together they dropped to their knees and buried the small girl out of sight in a group hug.

"Oh, my babies!" She joyously cooed. "I was so worried! You gave me such a nasty scare wandering off like that. Just what do you think you were doing?"

"We dunno!" The "man" confessed.

"Wanna go home." The "woman" demanded. "Wanna go home _now_, Mommy."

"I know you do..." The "toddler" awkwardly tried to wrap a tiny arm around each one of her children."Shhh...I get it, it's hard not to be all super panicky and freaked out-y. We're just lucky you didn't get far, huh? Shhhhhh, it's okay, the crazy day's gonna be over real soon. Mommy's gotcha now, it's okay….we're alllllll okay…."

The spectacle only got even stranger another child climbed out of the car. His body was that of a three-year-old little boy, but his demeanor was anything but as he fussed over his niece and nephew. Once he was sure that they unscathed from their misadventure, he wiped his brow and finally registered the strange sight that they all cut.

"...Well, this is weird." Dipper deadpanned.

"Oh it's fine! We're all back together, and soon we'll be back together! You know, with ourselves." His forever-upbeat sister replied, then went right back to showering her offspring with kisses, hugs and soothing words. "It's okay, babies. Are you crying? Shhh, no more tears, only smiles now...shhhh, it's okay, Mommy's here."

"I don't like this." Finn pawed at his uncle's goatee and whined.

"Awww, I know. You've been such an awesome little trooper today. And look at the good job you did with your Uncle Dippingsauce's noodle body!" Mabel complimented. "Look, barely a scratch on it!"

"Can we go home now? Pleaeeeease?" Gladys pled as she clumsily adjusted "her" glasses. She wish she knew how her mother handled wearing these all the time.

"Course we can! C'mon, off we go!" Mabel beamed brightly. Soos and Wendy both piled out to lend a hand with the children.

"Hey there, cutie. Come to-OOF!" Wendy's was nearly knocked off her feet when her niece threw herself at her, forcing her to bear the full weight of a three-year-old trapped in a grown woman's body.

"Wanna go home now." Gladys shoved her head under Wendy's neck with a whimper. Her brother was faring a little better. Despite the child's temporary overgrown size, Soos voluntarily popped him up onto his back with a whoop.

"All right little big-dude, up we go! Time for a ride on the Soosasaurus!" The gentle giant playfully brayed like a Jurassic beast, which boosted the little boy's spirits immensely. It took some awkward maneuvering, but they managed to load the children into the back with their mother and great-great uncle.

"...Yeah, we found 'em. Nah, they're fine. We'll see you at the Shack." Stanley Pines got off the phone with his brother, and found himself the target of an annoyed stare that Dipper was shooting off all the way from the passenger seat.

"Uh oh. Looks like my little guy's getting cranky." Wendy couldn't help but joke at the ball of frustration sitting in her lap.

"Kid, can we not do this again?" Stan tried to preempt his great-nephew. "Look, let's just sort you all out first before-"

"Five minutes." Dipper interrupted. "All you had to do was take five minutes to get rid of that stupid rug-"

"And that's what I did!"

"No, you just shoved it in a closet and forgot about it! For over a _decade_! I...I just don't get it!" He ranted. "How do you do something like that?"

"Hey," The old man grumpily shot back. "In case you forgot, there was a lot going on that summer…."


	27. Grandpa Lumberjack

Spending an afternoon with his father-in-law was more than enough of an ordeal for Dipper Pines. "Manly" Dan Corduroy was just as intimidating as when Dipper first met him as a scrawny preteen. Even though he was officially related to the legendary lumberjack through his marriage, this fact still wasn't enough to make him feel safe when he was around the hulking bear of a man.

Unfortunately before he could deal with yet another potentially frightening visit, he had to handle an extremely peeved wife first. He wasn't sure what it was he said during the brief drive between the Mystery Shack to the Corduroy cabin, but whatever it was, Wendy was now stubbornly refusing to get out of the car as a result.

"Wendy, c'mon." Dipper pled.

"Dude, I just I told you." The visibly offended redhead snapped back. "Not coming out until you think about what you said."

"What? What was it that I said? What?" he asked again. All he received in return was a glare. The young man sighed heavily. "Look, I'm sorry. I know I always do this, but...c'mon! Your dad's like a, a tank with a fleshy outside. He uses 'Manly' as an unironic nickname! I've seen the guy punch out a full-grown deer! It's kind of hard to not be a little on edge around him!"

He pointed through the back window at the tiny baby fast asleep in her car seat. "And now that she's in the picture, can you really blame me for getting extra worked up? Remember the first time that he met Phoebe?"

"What about it?" Wendy glowered. The memory made Dipper wince anxiously. Their daughter had been nothing more than a two-week-old little pink lump, even smaller than she was now.

"He was able to fit her in his entire hand, no problem! Just one hand! For an entire child! No, not even his hand, just a big monster-palm! So I really don't see how I can't be anything but kind of freaked out!"

He was being dead-honest with her, yet the awkward truth had no effect. By the looks of it she was only getting increasingly exasperated as she waited for him to say...what? What was it that she wanted to hear? Dipper's brain churned at full speed, but the solver of countless mysteries couldn't figure for the life of him where exactly he had gone wrong just now.

"Wendy, c'mon! I know, I know, the anxiety gets annoying. Trust me, I get it, and I'm sorry. I know, you deal with this so much. But let's face it, your dad's a little intimidating-"

"And…..?" She asked.

"And? What and? That's it! All I said was that, and that I hope he's gentle with Phoebe today. That's it!"

"Oh yeah, all we can do is hope. Because he's never dealt with kids before." She said sarcastically. "Especially baby girls."

"..._Oh_." When it finally hit Dipper, it struck with the force of a shovel to the gut. There was a loud thud as he dropped his head onto the hood. "Oooohhhh man…."

Wendy's breathed a sigh of relief. That was all she needed. With a satisfied nod she climbed out and sauntered over to tend to her embarrassed husband. She didn't need another glare or a word of reprimand. With the sole exception of Mabel, no one knew better than her just how mercilessly Dipper could guilt himself. By the time she reached his side he had already paid the price and then some.

"Sorry." He groaned into his hands. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry."

"You figured it out...eventually." She gently congratulated him with a pat on the back.

"But that was bad even for me. I can't believe I…." Dipper grimaced.

"So you think you're finally to relax?" An amused smile started to creep its way across her face.

"I'll try." He answered honestly. Knowing that was the best she was going to get, Wendy went ahead and unloaded their very sleepy three-month-old from the car. Phoebe Pines was dressed appropriately for the occasion in a red flannel onesie.

"Okay, who's ready to see Grandpa?" Her mother cooed.

"Two out of three of us are." Dipper joked weakly. She laughed and ruffled his messy brown locks.

"I get it, you're just trying to be a good dad. But in case you forgot, he's been a dad four times over. It'll be fine."

"Yeah, probably." Dipper admitted as they strode up towards the front door. "It's still pretty hard to think of him like that, though."

"I know, but you should really give him more credit that. It's going to be okay-"

Wendy just barely stopped herself in time from blundering into a partially camouflaged fox trap. Dipper laid eyes on it, instinctively grabbed her shoulders and yanked her back, only to accidentally kick another hidden trap. It flew up with a loud metallic snap that sent the startled couple bolting for the cabin.

Without even knocking, Dipper flung the door open and his wife dashed in. The first thing that Wendy noticed, simply put, were the axes. Axes of all shapes and sizes, with their sharp edges glimmering brightly in the afternoon sunlight as they hung everywhere on the walls in much greater abundance than she remembered growing up with. Her childhood home now looked like a medieval armory.

As she looked around, a flash of silver-grey spun by. There was a loud thunk as a small throwing hatchet buried itself into a target freshly painted directly onto the wooden walls.

"Hey there!" Her father had been busy carving a piece of wood as he waited his turn. Manly Dan gestured to the three muscled young men in the room with a wave of a knife so large that it was practically a short sword. "After you said you wanted to swing by, I called up the boys."

"Yo, Wendy!" One of her brothers cheered.

"Join the party!"

"Hey, check out what Dad set up!" The eldest whooped before hurling another hatchet right across the room. He grinned at the sound of steel sinking deep into wood. "Just like old times, huh?"

Wendy's newfound maternal instincts were now blaring up into defensive overdrive. All the wiry muscles in her body tensed, sending her temporarily rigid as a statue. Her family however didn't seem to notice her fast-growing panic one bit.

"Hey there, little lady! Come to Grandpa!" Manly Dan got up and started ambling over He eagerly thrust out one enormous pie-plate hand towards his baby granddaughter, while the other still casually clutching the absurdly large carving knife. His middle son meanwhile took aim and sent another axe hurling the length of the room. As she watched it fly by, Wendy made up her mind. This much sharp metal everywhere plus a small baby was an incredibly bad combination.

"Wen-" Dipper watched as his wife turned into a blur of flannel and scarlet. In mere moments she had retreated to a safe distance outside.

"Wendy?" Her fuzzled father called for her. She skidded to a halt and glared daggers.

"Dad!" Wendy barked angrily. "What the hell?!"

"Huh? What's wrong?" The giant of a man was genuinely bewildered.

"What's wrong?" She snapped back. "What's wrong? What?! What are you...just look around in there!"

He turned and confusedly gazed inside. Her brothers looked just as hopelessly mystified. Not one of them could see the problem.

"Hey, relax." The oldest brother called back. "Dad just hung up a couple of his-"

"You seriously call that a couple!?" Wendy couldn't believe her ears.

"Well I've only been putting up my favorite axes. For memories." Dan tried explaining. His daughter blinked back.

"...Phoebe and I are not going inside until you put away everything sharp in that living room." She made her ultimatum.

"Oh it ain't that many…." Dan scratched his grey-flecked beard as he got another look around. "Huh...actually…."

"Wait, all of them?" The youngest of the Corduroy boys groaned. "Aw, c'mon."

"Can we finish up this round?" The oldest nodded to the wall-target.

"What, no! No! There shouldn't be axes hanging everywhere with a baby around, and _there definitely shouldn't be any flying through the air either_." She hissed through tightly clenched teeth. "None! You're putting them all away, right now."

"But-"

"NOW." The new mother's snarl would have cowed a pack of wolves. Suffice to say, the pack of burly lumberjacks didn't stand a chance. Without another word all four of them hastily got right to work. As they baby-proofed the inside of the cabin, Dipper slipped out to rejoin his wife.

"Uh...are you okay?"

"Fine. I'm fine, I just…." Wendy vented her exasperation with a groan. So much for hoping for the best from the Corduroy men today. She shot her husband a sideways glance and ate her words without hesitation. "Hey, soooo...you can feel free to start gloating whenever."

Dipper quickly and quietly declined the open invitation. Instead, for the sake of her mood he started to sing a completely different tune from when they first arrived.

"Hey, it's okay."

"This is okay?" She incredulously waved at her old home.

"Yeah. Your Dad just….he juuust…." He stalled as his mind raced. "Look, you and your brothers all grew up a while ago, none of you live at home anymore….so he just got kind of rusty when it comes to handling little kids. I mean, that's something that should be expected, right?"

"I guess…."

"And at least he's excited to see the baby. And look, he's doing just what you asked. They all are, no problem at all! And...well, at least that's something, isn't it?"

The earnest effort on his part earned him a weak smile from her, plus a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks for putting up with...this. Just all of this."

"I'm pretty sure it's literally the least I can do." He reassuringly grinned right back. "Considering what you deal with when you're around me-"

"Still somehow not as bad." She joked, and the couple shared a brief laugh together. "I mean, I love them all to death, but-"

Their little moment was brought to an abrupt end when Manly Dan suddenly hustled outside with a loud curse. "The traps!"

"We know, Dad. We set them off when-"

He herded them off to one side side, then kicked at the ground. The enormous camouflaged bear trap snapped shut with a sharp clang. Dipper hastily instinctively placed himself between trap and family.

"Uh….thanks." The over-cautious young man muttered with a nervous laugh. Wendy however just fumed hyper-exasperatedly.

"...Oh you have got to be kidding me."

"We...um, were just trying to get something fresh for your visit." After mumbling a gruff apology, the massive lumberjack slinked away to set off the others. While her husband kindly slung a comforting arm around her shoulders, Wendy watched her father with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, think you can do me a huge favor?" She asked her wide-eyed little daughter.

"Huh? Wait, what can Phoebe do?" Dipper pried curiously.

"Take after your side of the family as much as she possibly can…."


	28. Night and Day

Coming at you with a little something different! It just two small separate slice-of-life snippets from the various Pines households. Enjoy!

Also, here's an overdue thanks for ddp456 for providing the suggestion that led to the previous story, "Grandpa Lumberjack." (Hopefully one of these days I'll give a non-delayed call out) - **SGA**

* * *

"...Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you...oooh-oooh-ooooh!"

The nauseatingly peppy music filled the entire apartment. As if her home wasn't enough of a low-grade torture chamber, Wendy had to endure another layer of torment on top of that.

"...Saturday evening and the lights are ooooon...you're not hangin' round at home, you're gooooone...looking so amazing, dressed so fly, lookin' for your perfect guy..."

As his lawfully wedded partner, it went without saying that there was quite an extensive list of things that she loved about Dipper Pines. However she could say with total and absolute confidence that his singing skills definitely were not one of them.

Neither was she that big of a fan of Icelandic pop music. Sure, it was just fine at a party or reception, but definitely the kind of thing she wanted to listen to evening after evening after evening. Unfortunately, this was a clear-cut case of comfort versus duty, and it was simply no contest whatsoever.

As her ears were assaulted in stereo, Wendy tried her best to simply focus on the TV and to remember that the torture was anything but intentional. It actually helped, at least until her husband reached the chorus again and his voice climbed to an objectively unpleasant pitch. For a harcore BABBA fan, during all the time she'd known him he'd amazingly never gotten that "oooh-ooh-ooooh" part down just right.

"...Disco girl! Comin' throooough..." She could hear him continue to enthusiastically croon across their apartment. "...That girl is yoooou..."

To Wendy's enormous relief, both the music and singing came to an end a couple choruses later. Her husband stealthily tiptoed out of the nursery, looking triumphant as could possibly be. Once he successfully made it to their tiny den, he flashed a hearty thumbs-up and a grin. "All set!"

Wendy couldn't help but instinctively return his smile. It was nice to see him step up to his duties like this. However, that definitely wasn't the only reason he was currently beaming like an utter nitwit.

"...You're just loving this, aren't you?" She chuckled accusingly with a roll of her eyes.

"Loving what?" Dipper shrugged his shoulders while he played innocent. "It's just the same thing that I do every night..."

As he took a seat beside her on the sofa, he mischievously added, "It's nice to know that Phoebe has such good taste in music already, don't you think-"

She grabbed a couch cushion and delivered a whack against his chest. The unrepentant young man burst out laughing. "Worth it."

Wendy slumped backwards onto his lap with a groan of mock-despair. "Of all the things that help get her to sleep…."

* * *

"Gotta potty! Gotta potty!"

Three-year-old had Finn Pines had woken up feeling fit to pop. The uncomfortable pressure sent him zipping out of his toddler bed and out the hallway in a little blur.

"Potty! Potty!" He yelped as he reached the closed bathroom door. The little boy knocked hard, but unfortunately it remained tightly shut. Panic quickly kicked in, and it wasn't long until he was frantically beating his little fists. "Mommy, I gotta potty! Mommy! Gotta potty now!"

With her jews stretched wide in a big yawn, Gladys wandered out into the hall to investigate the commotion. Once she saw that her brother in the middle of an emergency, she joined him without a moment's hesitation.

"He's gotta use the potty!" Gladys beat her stuffed duck against the door. "Mommy, the potty! Potty!"

"Gottago! Gottago!" Finn was now bouncing uncomfortably from foot to foot.

Roused from his sleep, a drowsy Waddles IV now ambled onto the scene. The little pig had no clue what was going on, but even he reflexively joined in to do his part. The family pet sat down next to the kids on chubby haunches and used his hoof to scratch away at the door. Thankfully, their combined ruckus finally nabbed Mabel's attention. The little ones heard a startled gasp, some spitting, and a few moments later she breathlessly opened the door.

"Sorry, babies!" Her cheeks glowed red as she gasped out an apology. "Mommy just….um….I was…."

Thankfully her son was in no mood to grill her about the reasons for the holdup. Wasting no time, he wormed right between her legs in a frantic scramble. Mabel stepped fully into the hallway and quickly shut the door partway behind her, leaving him with a little privacy.

Gladys looked up with wide, chocolate brown eyes and observed bluntly in her squeaky lisp, "You took too long."

Mabel was very pleasantly surprised by the lack of an interrogation. After all, few were better at unleashing curious question bombardments than toddlers. She giggled and playfully flashed a mock-stern look. "What, and not even a 'good-morning' for Mommy? Okay, just who are you supposed to be? The bathroom police?"

"Noooo!" The little girl tittered at the silly suggestion. "I was jus-"

A second later she was giggling like mad as her adoring mother plucked her off the ground and tossed her lightly into the air. "Oooh, look out! The bathroom hog's gotcha, Officer Glad-Glad! Ooohhh, she's gotcha now! Oink oink!"

"Bathwoom hogs gotta go woll in the mud like Waddles!" She fired back, earning herself a wet kiss on the cheek.

"Rolling around in yucky stuff can come later. Speaking of the little guy, let's go feed him, and then get some breakfast, okay?"

Gladys suddenly paused. Now that she was close enough, she was able to easily notice the overwhelming minty odor that was flooding from her mother's breath.

"Mommy? Youh bweath smells like..." As the child tried to pinpoint it, she also noted the half-scrubbed green and white mess still thickly outlining Mabel's lips. "Mommy,look! You got stuff on yoah face! It kinda looks like-"

Desperate to set a good example, Mabel properly wiped her mouth on a nightgown sleeve and babbled, "Nothing! It's nothing! Haha, why it's….well, Mommy can tell you one thing for sure, it definitely wasn't a snack or anything….ha, because that would be totally weird and not true….haha…."

She winced. Lying on the spot had never come easy to her. Before her three-year-old had a chance to think about what she had inadvertently confessed, she planted on a fresh smile and changed subjects. "Hey, so what do you want for breakfast, hun-bun? Waffles, or pancakes?"

"PANCAKES! Yeah, pancakes! With sywup and butteh aaaand….and juice! Sywup, butteh, juice, aaaand….oooh, apple juice, and…." The distraction worked like a charm. Gladys lit up and immediately broke into a long, rambling list. While she happily prattled on, Mabel sighed in relief and made a quick mental note as she carried her child off to the kitchen, with her pet pig trotting along in tow.

This had to stop. The temptation was just too much for her to resist. She couldn't afford to keep getting almost caught like this.

She _definitely_ needed to stop buying the sparkly kind of toothpaste.


	29. Copy Chaos

Credit for this installment goes to Kraven the Hunter - It wasn't quite what was suggested, but thanks nonetheless for giving me the impetus to give the general idea another go.

* * *

"...Yeah all you have to do is get outside." Stanley Pines explained as he gestured to the ancient photocopier. "Soos will swing around later with the truck to take it to the dump."

In any other household, in any other family, a genuine (if accidental) cloning machine would've received much more respect than it was getting at that moment as its final fate was sealed. But the old man's great-niece and great-nephew took only one look at the copier and nodded understandingly at his order, without so much as a single peep of protest.

To be fair to the Pines, nearly everyone in their clan had eventually suffered misfortune from the device in some shape or form over the years. This included Stan's short-lived and utterly disastrous counterfeiting scheme, a scientific examination by Ford gone so horribly wrong that he still didn't want to talk about it to this day, and an accident during the twins' second summer in Oregon where Wendy ended up fighting herself for the second time in her life. For most of the last decade it had banished to a corner of the office collecting dust, until now. Finished with his delegating, Stanley shuffled on off. His great niece and nephew prepared themselves for the task ahead without hesitation.

"We probably should have done this years ago." Dipper remarked as he rolled up his shirt sleeves. He looked forward to sending the dreaded copier off.

"Ohhh, totally agree with you one-million percent there! What do we ever need a clone-copy thingy for? Especially now when we can basically do it ourselves, and with waaaaay better quality!" The proud parent scoffed at the machine. "Hey, guess who melts into nothing when they get wet? Eh? Not my hun-buns, that's who!"

Dipper laughed at his twin's criticism. "Good point, actually. Okay, on the count of three we both push, okay?"

"Ready when you're ready, bro-bro!" She flashed him a double-thumbs up.

"Okay, one….two….three!"

The two forced their bodies against it as one, and promptly failed. Both siblings strained as they gave the effort everything they had.

"Dipper, you're supposed to be pushing!" She snapped.

"I-I am!" He groaned back. The two went at it like two horses, but the hulking old machine stood as firmly in place as a mountain. They paused, took a deep breath each and tried again. And again. Then again.

Then again.

"Break?" Mabel gasped as they pushed with all their might for the fifth time, still to no result whatsoever.

"Break!" He squeaked hoarsely. The beaten twins nearly collapsed with exhaustion.

"This think….is….the worst!" Mabel wheezed.

"Maybe we could…." Dipper mulled. However the idea just barely entered his mind before he quickly disregarded it. "Nevermind."

"Nevermind what?" One fact about life as a twin was that it never took much for one sibling to read the other. All Mabel had to do was notice the look he was giving the copier and in no time she on the exact same page as him. Her chocolate brown eyes lit up bright. "Hey, yeah! Yeah! We could just make-"

"No." He waved his arm "No, no, no, nooooo, no."

"Dipper we could-"

"No. No. It's a bad idea. Just forget it."

"But think how much easier this will make everything!" She gushed excitedly. "And it's so simple! We plug it in, one of us crawls on top, we go beep-bop-boop here, make a couple extra you or me, and ta-daaaaa! Instant temporary work crew!"

"The entire reason we're throwing it out precisely because this thing gives us nothing but trouble." He flatly objected.

"But we haven't used it in years. And so we're not just kids messing around with it, we're both rational adults." Argued the eternal optimist. Dipper was still reluctant.

"I just-"

What, are you afraid of a repeat or something? That we're going to get another big Dipper brawl over a girl?" She grinned and playfully elbowed him in the side. Her brother squirmed at the memory.

"This thing has literally given us nothing but trouble." He repeated.

"Oh it'll be fine! And we definitely won't have another round of sweaty and awkward guys fighting like dorks, especially since Wen-Wen's already spoken for now with her stinky, sweaty awkward husband!" Mabel grabbed her brother's hand and pointed to his wedding band. "C'mon, we're not doing going to do anything too crazy! We'll only use them for like, five minutes tops."

Her choice of adjectives notwithstanding, Dipper was slowly won back over to his original idea. Granted, their past experience with the machine had been anything but productive or even remotely pleasant. However, it had been quite a few years since they had given it a try. Things had changed.

Also, on a much more practical note they hadn't even moved the blasted copier out of the room yet. For that matter, they hadn't even budged it five feet. And his wiry muscles were already killing him.

"Okay…." He plugged it in as he relented. "We'll try two or three and see how it goes from there."

His sister clapped her hands and whooped excitedly. "Rock paper scissors for who gets to go first!"

* * *

"...Frog butt!" Finn Pines squeaked.

"Kitty butt!" Gladys gleefully chirped back. Together the tiny twins turned expectantly to their aunt. Seated with them on the edge of the porch with she bounced her baby daughter on her lap, Wendy mulled for moment before having a go at it.

"Elephant butt." She one-upped the both of them, and her niece and nephew were automatically stricken with shrill laughter.

"...What the heck are you even playing?" Stan finally asked from his seat on the old weatherbeaten sofa.

"No idea at all." The young woman honestly replied with a fat grin. "But I think I'm winning-"

Horrified screams cut interrupted what had been a fairly low-key afternoon. Moving like the devil himself was hot on their heels, the elder twins tore outside. Mabel whirled around and slammed the door tight behind her as a terror-eyed Dipper tried to gasp out an explanation.

"Couldn't fit...too big now…..button…..stuck….unplugged it, b-but…."

His sister yelped as the door was battered hard from the other side. The young man tried to help her brace it shut, but even their combined strength wasn't enough. It was battered open by a barrage of furious kicks and the panicked siblings immediately tore off. They were fiercely pursued by an entire troop of copies of Dipper, each one completely perfect to the last detail.

...From the waist on down only. It looked like a gang of skinny jeans had gained sentience as they chased down the Pines twins. And with no upper halves to weigh them down, the partial clones quickly caught up.

"Ooohh no." Stan noticed the clones faded coloring, and nearly had a post-traumatic flashback to the fateful day when a bunch of angry photocopied twenty dollar bills attacked him. But the old man quickly snapped out of it when one pair of legs raced on over and started menacing him. "Don't even think about it-OW! Hey! Oh you little…."

It aggressively stomped right on his slippered foot. He growl as he tried fending it off with his eight-ball cane. "I could use a little help over here! Wendy? Wendy!"

Almost as soon as the half-clones had appeared, her reflexes had fired up into overdrive. By the time Stan realized she had vanished, Wendy had already raced around to the gift shop, bolted inside and up an old ladder and clambered all the way to the roof with a speed that would have been the envy of most Olympic athletes. She didn't exactly know what they were all dealing with, but she quickly guessed that whatever these things were, climbing was not one of their strengths.

"Watch your cousin!" She hurriedly ordered Finn and Gladys. The tiny twins nodded dutifully as they sat perched in the center of their aunt's old hideout. Then with experienced ease she jumped off rode a slender pine tree all the way back down to the chaos. Several of the clones immediately broke off from the pack and rushed her. The lanky woman stared them down boldly as they started surrounding her.

"All right, you-OW! Hey-OW! OW!" The angry lower halves went right for her shins, and began awkwardly dancing about trying to evade their kicks. As soon as she recognized the scrawny noodle legs attacking her she glared accusingly to the older twins. "You guys messed with the copier, didn't you?!"

"We know, we know! It was a bad ide-" Dipper was tripped over onto his stomach, and several of the clones began jumping up and down on him. "OW! Stop! Stop! Seriously, where's all this rage coming from?"

"Jealousy?" Mabel breathlessly suggested as she dodged several of the foe, only to be hemmed against a tree by several more. "I mean, we have arms and-"

She suddenly let out a shrill shriek as one of them grabbed her hair, somehow. As she yanked her brown locks free, suddenly it hit her. This was actually quite the easy fix. "Guys! Guys! I got it! We can hit them in their weak spot!"

"Where?" Dipper grimly fought his way back to his feet.

"Their weak spot!" She shouted back above the chaos. "If they have all your downstairs stuff, then that means they-"

"Oooohhhh, no!" Her brother yelped. He knew all too well where she was going with this. "No, we're not-"

A hideous crunch rang out. After overhearing her sister-in-law, Wendy had impatiently wasted no time. Her booted foot now lay buried deep between the legs of a very unlucky half-clone. It trembled and dropped to its side like a sack of stones. Everyone paused and stared. This included the badly startled copies, though how they were doing that without eyes was anyone's guess.

"Uhhhh…." It was so close to attacking her own husband that the lanky redhead couldn't help but shoot him an apologetic glance. Dipper winced painfully at the sight of the downed copy.

"...Ow." He whimpered. It honestly hurt to look at it.

The pause in the madness didn't last long. Once their shock wore off, the partial clones went right on the attack again, goaded on by strength borne of desperation. Unfortunately for them, the Pines now had a battle plan. Loud thwacks began filling the air as the non-clones quickly gained the upper hand through their dirty tactics, though some of them fought back with more reluctance than others.

"Sorry! I'm sorry!" Dipper yelled to each copy that he vunhappily took out. "You're not giving us a lot of choice here! Sorry!"

His sister however threw herself into the fray with gusto, yelling dramatically with every kick like the starlet of a kung-fu flick. "Hi-ya!" Hi-ya! Whatchaaa!"

"Behind you, Mommy!" Finn yelled from the roof.

"Lookout! In font of you!" Gladys squealed as they watched.

"Thank you, sweeties!" She thankfully yelled back before whirled around and letting fly with her foot. "Hi-YAH!"

"Ah-ha! Not so high and mighty now, are we?" Stanley swung hard, catching one full-on in the crotch with a satisfying thud. "All right, which of you leggy jerks wants some?"

It wasn't long at all until the last one was stomped down into a cringing heap. Once the battlefield was cleared, Mabel and Wendy bolted for the hose. The brunette turned it on full force, and with the redhead aiming the nozzle they soon reduced reduced all their fallen foes to melted puddles of soggy paper pulp.

Now that victory was theirs, everyone took a moment to recover. As he wiped a sweaty brow, Dipper surveyed the scene and declared without the slightest hesitation, "Well, that was the least dignified thing we've ever done."

"Eh, not for me it wasn't." Stan wheezed. His great-nephew shot him a blank stare of disbelief.

"...How?"

"Well, if there's one thing you should know about North Dakota-"

"Story!" They could hear excitedly Gladys cheer from above. Wendy slapped a hand over the old man's mouth before he can regale them with how he had been banned from that particular state.

"Hold on guys, I'm coming back up!" She headed off to go fetch the kids. Stan wisely turned the conversation back to the matter at hand.

"Yeesh." He stirred at the closest puddle of former-clone with his cane. "How'd you two knuckleheads turn a simple move job into this?"

"Pretty easily, actually." Mabel cheerily replied as she wiped the sweat from her brow. The indomitably-spirit woman proceeded to turn it to their favor. "But hey, at least we learned a real good lesson!"

"Eh?" Stan raised a thick caterpillar eyebrow.

"Yup! Always, always be careful of shortcuts!" She declared loudly like she was a character in an after-school special, and with good cause. Nods from her children high above signaled that they had heard her moral as clear as bell.

"Yeah, definitely never again." Dipper wearily vowed as he nursed fresh bruises. But as soon as he watched Wendy dutifully climb back down into the Shack he realistically wondered out loud, "How long until you think we go back on that?"

"Oh, I give us one and a half days." Mabel optimistically estimated with a smile. "You?"

"I'd say we have until tomorrow morning."

"Ten seconds ago." Stan already had a plan cooked up for the infernal machine behind this mess. "Can one of you run down to the basement? Should be at least one extra can of gas down there."

The twins grimaced shot each other a look. They knew pretty well what he had in mind.

"You sure about that?" Mabel checked.

"Hey," The old man prodded each one in the stomach. "If we've really learned _anything_ over the years, it's that fire takes care of everything…."


	30. Doubt

Time to jump backwards a little in the timeline! Here's a piece that originally was just a little something I wrote on my own for practice's sake, but am now putting up at the encouragement of ddp456.

Also, a note to help make things make sense in this latest installment - in this AU of mine, Wendy's mother didn't pass away, but actually walked out on her family instead. It's an idea I came up with and explored in one of my very first GF fanfics, "The Visit," (which several of you readers seem to already be taking for canon in this whole little world I've set up, if I've been reading some past reviews right - for those who haven't read it, just go to my profile and you'll find it easily near the bottom).

As usual, hope you folks all enjoy! - SGA

* * *

Like a gigantic knot. That's exactly what Dipper's stomach felt like when he woke from a fitful sleep. The anxious thoughts that had weighed heavily on his dreams continued to harass him without missing a beat, making his gut tighten even harder.

It looked like it was just going to be one of those nights. Silently he cursed his hopelessly overactive mind. Hoping that a little reading would help mercifully distract him, he rolled out of bed carefully as he could so not to disturb his wife. She dealt with enough of his anxiety during the daytime.

However, had he taken only a quick look as he left then he would have noticed that the young woman he assumed had been lying next time him was nowhere to be seen. Wendy Pines was actually parked out in the living room, wide awake busily plowing her way through a bag of tortilla chips. When Dipper shuffled in he gave the both of them a start, and each one froze up like a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar.

She noted the book in his hand and instantly had a read on him. But she wasn't up and awake either merely for the fun of it, or even because of a sudden craving, despite her very heavily swollen belly. Wendy had a propensity to snack when stressed, and few people knew this better than her husband. An awkward silence settled heavily on the room.

"...H-hey." He swallowed hard.

"Hey." She crumpled up the bag. "Soooo….you or me first?"

Dipper was never one to put himself before her. "What's wrong?"

Doing her best to mind her bump, she slumped with a heavy groan. Her husband cautiously took a seat beside her, and after a long pause she finally answered, "...Nancy."

"Nancy?" Dipper quickly recognized the name. "Oh, no."

"Yeah. Okay honestly…. this going to sound like one of the stupidest things, but right now I'm so caught up in my head about it right now I don't even…."

"It's okay." He reassured her. She took a moment to try and get her thoughts together, and he patiently waited until she was ready to continue.

"I was talking to one of my brothers after dinner, and….Toby was just going on and on about how I was going to be a good mom."

"Uh…." Dipper was immediately confused. That hardly seemed like cause for an anxiety-attack. She nodded apologetically.

"Look, I don't know why, but it got me thinking….probably way, way harder than I should, but...you know who else was a good mom?" She then qualified, "At least, she used to be."

"...Nancy?" Dipper unhappily guessed.

"Nancy Corduroy." She spoke her mother's name bitterly. "And since then I've just been thinking about it nonstop and now…."

She winced as the memories flashed through. Before she was rambling. "Everything was fine right up until the end. I mean, she wasn't perfect, but….she was our mom. Then one day she came home with that pamphlet those freaks gave her at the farmers market, and….God, it just happened so fast. One week later, and she was just gone, like that."

It soon became clear that this definitely wasn't the first time this had weighed painfully on her mind. And as she emptily gazed off into nothing, Dipper was able to piece it together. "Wait, so….are you scared?"

Wendy pursed her lips, but her silence spoke volumes. Gently he lay his hand on top of hers. "Wendy…."

"I know, I know. God, I just wish I could turn it off and stop driving myself crazy like this. But I literally can't stop thinking about it. If she was able to just totally lose it and run off like she did..." Wendy shuddered involuntarily at the thought. "What's seriously stopping me?"

Dipper's eyes immediately darted down to the bump. She sighed as she fretfully drummed her fingers on it.

"It'd be nice if that was my fail-safe, but….Dipper, my mom had four of us. Four kids, and we weren't enough to keep her around. She just...you should have seen it, it was something just switched on in here, and suddenly she was done. And how am I supposed to know that I don't have the same thing going on somewhere? You know, something that might snap one day and send me running out the door? Yeah I know, I'm sounding like I'm out of my mind, but…."

The mother-to-be buried her face deep in her hands with a pained groan. Dipper draped an arm around her tension-wracked shoulders. The young man's mind raced for something he could say, anything to try and make it better. But as he came up empty, panic started to set in, followed by immediate guilt.

Wendy wasn't the only one who'd been second-guessing herself. Dipper could feel his stomach start to knot up again. Unfortunately it was similar thoughts that had been keeping him up that night, and done likewise on several past evenings. He could handle monsters of all shapes and sizes, ghosts of all levels, and a whole range of indescribable horrors. But a newborn…..as much as he wanted to believe that he was going to be fine as a father, few people could self-doubt themselves as mercilessly as he could. Now it felt like his anxieties were coming to life. If he couldn't even comfort his own wife, what seriously made him think that he was going to be able to handle a child?

His heart went out to Wendy. Just how did she end up with a mess of a guy like him, anyway?

The question proved to be just the spark that he needed. Suddenly, he had it. "Wendy?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not your mom." He said firmly. Not surprisingly, she didn't look convinced.

"You have no idea how many times I've tried telling myself-"

"But we're not just saying it. We know you're not." He said firmly. "Look, how many times could you have called it completely quits with me?"

Wendy cocked an eyebrow at him. She had no idea what he was spouting on about. Dipper however continued on.

"Just think about that first summer, okay? Think about everything you had to put up with when you were around with me. It was just a few months, but you had to deal with everything including psychotic ghosts, man-eating plants, gnomes, Grunkle Ford's bunker and that's not even half of it. That's not even a fraction of everything. And then there was my creepy first crush on top of all of that too! You could have just stopped having anything to do with me at any time, and I don't think that many people would have blamed you-"

"Wait, what?" She interrupted. He sounded out of his mind. "Why would I….Dipper, you were my friend-"

"Yes! That's it!" He piped up excitedly as soon as she caught on. "Your mom left you, but so what? That was entirely her problem. But you? Wendy, you don't leave people. Not the ones that you actually care about. You just don't! It's _fact_! You don't have anything to worry about, I don't have anything to worry about…and Phoebe…."

The young man smiled as he pat her stomach. "You're only freaking out about this because you love her already more than I can even imagine. So she had nothing to worry about either. Her mom's always going to be there for her. Always."

Dipper actually needed to catch his breath a little by the time he was done. As usual, he had hardly finished when he began to instinctively second guess himself. In moments he had half-convinced himself that his wife hadn't understood half of what he just babbled out. Thankfully, like normal his worst-case scenario outlook was all for nothing. Wendy erupted with a combination of half-sob, half-laugh, and as she threw her arms around him and gratefully squeeze tight and he could literally feel the stress rush from her body.

Another silence descended on the couple, but this time it was a peaceful one, broken only by the occasional sniffle as Wendy tried holding back a few of the stray tears that were trickling down her pale cheeks. Neither one could tell how much time had passed before she gave him a quick, loving nuzzle.

"You're going to be such a good dad." She murmured affectionately. The confidence she poured into her words took him by genuine surprise.

"...You think so?" The anxious question fired off his lips before his brain could register what was going on.

"Uh-huh. If you can handle me…." She half-joked as she pat her belly. "Then she's definitely going to be no problem."

Now it was his turn for some much-needed relief. By now Wendy was curled up so close that she could actually feel his stomach uncoil. Immediately she was on the case. "Okay, so what was your thing?"

"Huh?"

"You didn't get up just to use the bathroom." She said knowingly. Dipper sheepishly grinned back.

"Oh a….just thinking about a little too much at once. You know, the usual." He downplayed his earlier fretting. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine."

"You sure?" Wendy was more than happy to slip into her regular role as she checked up on her neurotic husband.

"Uh-huh. Trust me, I'm doing much better." Dipper now spoke with much more honestly. Another silence settled on the pair.

"...You're not freaking about the birthmark thing again are you?"

The moment she put his most spectacularly unnecessary worry back into his mind, his stomach immediately tightened right up. "I wasn't before….but now-"

"Seriously?' She immediately cracked up. "C'mon! If I can try and let my whole thing go-"

"I know, I know…." Dipper realized he had as good an opportunity as any to keep lightening the mood. "Still, just in case…."

Wendy's chuckles continued to fill the apartment as he gently grabbed her bump. He himself barely kept back his own laughter as he sported a mock-serious expression for their little one. "Okay, don't forget, you only want Mom's freckles….not a whole constellation on your face like Dad…."


	31. Nature Finds a Way

"Mommy-" The little boy had just started to speak up when his mother pressed a finger to her lips.

"Shh! Not too loud, hun-bun."

Finn clasped his hands tightly over his mouth and anxiously waited a few moments before asking softly, "Can I have some more cocoa? Pleeease?"

Mabel grinned and poured him another steaming drink from a large thermos.

"Mommy? I'm hungwy." Gladys tugged on her parent's sweater. Her "aunt" quickly produced a large bag of trail mix that had been specially bulked up with chocolate pieces and yogurt chips.

"Something sweet for the sweetheart!" Candy cooed as she poured some into the little girl's outstretched hands. As they drank and snacked, both three-year-olds made sure to do so as quietly as they could. Neither one wanted to troop all the way out into the middle of the woods at the crack of dawn just so they could accidentally interrupt the spectacle that was due any minute now.

There was five of them total huddled together behind some bushes for that morning's special annual nature-watch; two young women, two small children, and one hyper-focused young man. Dipper was busily double-checking the batteries of his camera yet again when Candy reached over and gave him a light shoulder tap.

"So no Wendy this year?"

"Nope. Sleeping in with the baby." He distractedly replied. His sister rolled her eyes and clucked mock-disapprovingly at him, as was basically their routine.

The entire tradition had started six summers back, when a restless Mabel had decided to start her day with a very early-morning nature walk, and by pure chance ended up stumbling across the most unusual herd migrating on by. Ever since the curious woman witnessed the same exact spectacle a year later (this time with her inquisitive brother in tow) the Pines twins had been faithfully returning to watch at the exact same place, on the exact same day, at the exact same time. As they had quickly discovered, they could practically set their watches to this strange event.

For Mabel, the annual phenomenon was nature at its absolute finest. For Dipper however it was one of his longest-running and most frustrating unsolved mysteries. As he looked over his gear, Mabel leaned over and gave him a nudge. "Hey bro-bro? Can I offer a suggestion?"

"Huh?"

"How about trying to just enjoy it this time?" She teased. His expression hardened as he started reviewing his field notes from the prior year's watch.

I'm going to figure it out this time." The determined paranormal investigator vowed.

"Nopity nope nope!" Mabel snatched his notebook away. "This time you're just going to sit back and bask in the beauty of nature, end of story."

"What? No, literally none of this is natural. That's why we have to figure out how they're re-"

"Oh, _thbbbbt_!" She blew a raspberry at his objection. "It's perfectly natural. It's one million percent natural! They've adapted so amazingly to life in the wild! And not just adapted, they're flourishing!"

"Yeah but how? How are they even-"

"It doesn't matter!" She kept cutting him off. "Just enjoy the beauty of it all! C'mon, it's the only time that we ever see them."

"It doesn't make any sense-"

"Mommy! Mommy, listen!" Gladys whispered sharply. The little group quickly fell silent as they detected the distant rumble. With every passing moment it grew increasingly louder and everyone's anticipation steadily climbed in accordance. Mabel giggled uncontrollably as she positioned her little ones so they could get the best view possible. Dipper fumbled about in his rush to ready himself.

Suddenly a burst of white flashed by. Another zipped along in its wake, followed by yet another, then two more, and then at least five more. Moments later the small forest clearing was completely packed with a passing herd, and a most unusual one.

It was men. Near-identical, physically perfect young men, like a sea of blonde Adonis lookalikes sporting piercing baby blue eyes, brilliant golden locks, perfect blemish-free skin, and pearly white smiles that sparkled brightly in the rays of the early morning sun. They traveled by skips, jumps, moon walks, electric shuffles, lock steps, and every other dance move imaginable. Their exuberant cries rang out through the surrounding forest as they passed on through, just like they did every year like clockwork as part of their annual migration to the west of the state.

"Let's jam on to our summer feeding grounds, dawg!"

"Yeah man, those lush fields are gonna be tight!"

"I'm gonna do some mad frolicking!

"Aw yeah!"

"M to the I to the G to the R to the A to the T to the I to the O to the N!"

The wild descendants of the original Sev'ral Timez were strangely majestic beyond compare. The children silently and intently watched with wide brown eyes. Candy bit her lip and struggled to keep a hold of herself. Mabel meanwhile was an absolute mess of emotion. At first she instinctively clenched her fists and bounced on her knees as if she had reverted to being a crush-stricken tween all over again. However, as the spectacle continued she was soon overcome by it all.

"Look at them." She whispered. "Look...they're just...they're gorgeous and...and so free...th-they're..."

"Mommy? You 'kay?" Gladys turned around and checked on her mother. Mabel rubbed her tearing eyes on the corner of her sweater sleeve before giving her daughter a pat on the head.

"Mommy's fine. It's just…..it's beautiful….it's a-always so beautiful…."

The only one who wasn't overcome with awe, as usual, was Dipper. The young man was furiously documenting every potential clue that could help him solve the grand mystery.

"How…..how…..just how? How are they…..just how?" He started mumbling as he gazed through his binoculars.

"Calm down." His sister whispered. "Just enjoy it."

"How? Just how?" He stubbornly kept agonizing. "Mabel, you said you originally freed just five of them. Five guys. Five. _Guys_. How-"

"Shhhhhhhh!" Finn hushed him. "Uncle Dipper, be quiet!"

At the urging of his little nephew, he tried, and failed almost immediately. The fact that there was a growing population of feral pop stars (and an all-male one at that) living in the wilds of Oregon was not something that he could simply accept.

"How? Just how?" He began muttering. "How are they making more of themselves?"

"Dipper!" Now his sister shushed him.

"But how are-"

"Wait, you don't know how we made a totally sweet herd like this one here? Yo beef, that's a mad easy question!" Apparently the little group wasn't as well-camouflaged as they thought. A third-generation Deep Chris gracefully slid to a halt in front of the clump of shrubs and looked directly their way. While the children gasped in amazement, the adults cautiously poked their heads out into the open.

"Uh….hello there, wild boy…." Candy said sheepishly.

"S-Sorry?" Mabel apologized in an off-key squeak. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as she flubbed over her words. These completely feral boy band members were just as handsome as their predecessors. "We didn't mean to bother you or anything…are we bothering you? We're bothering, aren't we?"

The young woman fidgeted with the edge of her sweater and giggled nervously. He calmed her with a flash of a disarming smile. "No, it's 'ight. You just wanna get your watch on like you do every year. It's totally cool with us."

"Hey there, Mabel-girl! Long time no see!" One of the originals waved casually as he loped on by. Meanwhile the feral pop star standing right before them took a moment to scratch himself behind the air with a sneakered foot. "Anyways, you guys got a question?"

"Nuh-uh! It's okay, you can just go on your way, it's fine." Mabel hurriedly lied. The last thing she wanted was for this moment to be spoiled. "Just go back to being majestic, please!"

"Actually-" Dipper tried to get a word in.

"Yup, definitely no questions here!" She aggressively spoke above him. "Go on! Back to your frolicking!"

"All I-"

"Oh, so you're the dawg with the question, huh?" He asked, striking a pose that wouldn't have been out of place on any teenage girl's wall poster. "So you want to know all about our whole reproducin' thang? That's crazy simple."

He raised his shirt. Three jaws almost hit the forest floor as Candy and the twins were immediately horror-stricken. Thankfully the children were spared when their mother and uncle hastily clapped their hands tightly over their eyes.

"What's goin' on?" Finn whined as he tried to see, but it was no use. There was no way on earth or in hell that they'd let him or his sister gaze upon the sight of fully developed head and upper torso sticking right out of the wild popstar's side.

"Budding, dawg!" The half-formed singer met their bug-eyed stares and gave them all a sparkling smile, followed by an enthusiastic thumbs up. "Asexual reproduction is totally the way to go!"

"Yo, true dat!" His "parent" high-fived him, tugged his shirt back down and casually shimmied off to catch up with his pack. By now most of the herd had passed, leaving only a few slow stragglers picking up the rear. It only took another minute until peace had settled back on the small clearing. The deeply disturbed trio crouched quietly in stunned silence.

"Mommy?" Gladys tugged her uncle's palm off her face. "What happened?"

Mabel couldn't say a word. She was so rattled down to her core that she looked like she was only seconds away from retreating into the deepest depths of Sweatertown.

"Uh, nothing! Nothing at all!" Dipper cooked up a lie. "We….uh, we saw a bug we didn't want to fly in your eyes."

"Okay, nature-watch is allll over! Time to go back!" Candy recovered just enough so she too could join in on the act.

"Aunt Candy, awe we gonna see them again next yea-" Gladys didn't even get a chance to finish her question. The quick-thinking woman plucked Finn up onto her shoulders, hefted Gladys into her arms and headed back in the direction of the Mystery Shack. .

"Off we go on the Candy-Cab! Vroom vroom! Vrrrooooooooom!"

The children happily joined in making car noises of their own. Dipper waved gratefully at their friend before turning his attention to his twin.

"Mabel?" He knelt down and gave her a gentle shake. At first, she merely stared out into empty space through a thousand-year-stare. But when she snapped back to the present moment the very first thing she did was let the corners of her mouth drop into a frustrated frown.

"You….you just can't even let anything go, can you? You….you….you…." Mabel flopped her head against his shoulder. As Dipper started patting her back, she let out a long mewl of complete and total exasperation. "Whyyyyyyyy?"

Her equally traumatized brother replied with a sigh. "I really need to ask myself that more often…"


	32. Getting Back on the Horse

The home of Mabel Pines was currently a place of both silly fun and sky-high anxiety. While Wendy played with their niece and nephew, an increasingly nervous Dipper kept pacing nonstop around the little house.

"Relax. She's fine." Wendy caught him looking at his phone again. She then glanced to the baby in his arms and teasingly remarked, "I know, seriously. How many times do I have to tell him?"

"I'm just checking." He replied defensively before stealing a glance out the window. Dipper glanced down to Phoebe, and just in case he needed to convince her as well, "What? I am."

"Dude," She sat up. "You keeping 'just checking' like that and you're going to start making me nervous-"

"Aunt Wennyyyyyyy!" Gladys interrupted.

"You gotta hold still!" Protested Finn.

Their aunt lay back down on the living room floor, and the little twins continued clumsily joining her freckles together with washable marker. She chuckled uncontrollably as they tickled her face. "So what do we got so far?"

"Mine looks like a….a….." Her little niece brightened up. "Like a ducky!"

"Mine looks like a pizza! But a pizza with too much cheese, and the cheese is alllll melty." Finn excitedly explained. "Melty cheese pizza!"

"Okay, break time. I need a mirror, stat." Wendy was just getting up again when Waddles IV darted over to the front door with an excited snort. His sensitive nose had picked up a familiar cotton candy scented-perfume that was getting stronger with every passing second.

"Mommy's home!" Mabel's loud floral sundress swished about her as she bounced in. In speedy succession she slung off her purse, knelt down and opened her arms wide just in time for a double bear-hug from her children.

"MOMMY!" The two chorused excitedly. Both quickly descended into squeaky laughter as she dotted their foreheads with a wet kiss bombardment.

Wendy smirked at her husband before sauntering over. "Hey Mabes. How'd the date go?"

Mabel straightened herself back up with a laugh. "Well, it was a definitely a start! Tonight's guy though….oohhh, boy. I mean, leaving something like 'evil sorcerer' off your profile? Definitely not the kind of thing that's going to get you a second round, I'll tell you that much!"

Both her brother and sister-in-law immediately fell silent. It was right about then that they noticed the fresh scorch marks on her dress.

"...Wait, what? _What_?!" Dipper sputtered after he found his voice again.

"Hey there, Fee-Fee!" Mabel was distractedly tickling her baby niece's chin. "Did you have fun with your cousins tonight?"

"Mabel, what happened?" Demanded a very alarmed Wendy.

"Well, we went out to dinner, guy turned out to be crazy evil, had to stop him. No biggie! Oooooh!" The brunette's attention now turned to the blobbish shapes drawn on the redhead's pale cheeks. "Now what was happening here?"

"Uh, we were doing connect-the-dots." Wendy quickly explained. "Okay, so what-"

Mabel gasped with delight. "Ohmigosh! That's amazing! Wen-Wen, you got a total duck and pizza party on your face there! Haha! Oh wait, let me guess which one's-"

"Wait, hold it!" Dipper stopped the conversation from derailing again. "First things first. What happened tonight?"

"Welllll, super-long story short, it turns out the guy had this whole thing going on where he was actually over two hundred years old thanks secret powers he learned from old scrolls he found when he was a librarian back in the nineteenth century, and now he needed to keep stealing life force of others so he could keep living forever, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow." She rolled her eyes as she flapped her hand. "I think at some point he said something about not technically having a soul anymore, but I checked out near the end. I mean, talk about going on and on…."

"He WHAT?" To say the least, her twin wasn't happy to hear any of this.

"Yeah, it was a lot to take it all in at once. But he said that a girl like me deserved to know." She bounced a couple of her chocolate locks and grinned immodestly. "What can I say? I'm still a charmer!"

"This guy's not still running around out there, is he?" Wendy demanded. Both she and her husband were ready to charge out into the night on an emergency hunt.

"It's okay, he was no problem for Mabel! All he needed was a little attack-glitter, grappling hook and counter curse combo while he was busy trying doing his spell thingy. Totally threw him off, and after that….things got kind of weird when he turned into a big pile of dust. Probably all that aging that he had to catch up on. Now if you ask me, someone should have recharged waaaay sooner. Well, that, and tried not to mess with yours truly."

She laughed it all off as she ruffled her children's hair. Wendy was genuinely unsure how to respond, and now just stared silently. So much for her earlier assurances.

"How?" Dipper demanded wearily. "Just….just how?"

"I guess I still attract a type. The crazy and not-really-human type, mainly. Lucky for me I'm pretty used to it by now." Mabel let it slide with a shrug.

Her brother however wasn't nearly as ready to just drop it as easily as she was. It was only the first guy she met up from that dating site, already like an old pattern had already returned with a vengeance. He clapped a hand to his forehead and groaned in despair.

"You okay, bro-bro?" She sweetly checked on him.

Dipper blinked incredulously. He felt like the wrong twin was in need of comfort right now. To him it was a miracle that she wasn't already hunkered down in Sweatertown.

"Am...am I okay? Am I okay? What about…. I mean, tonight you had to deal with…..and that's after...it's just…this was only your…..it was….."

He nearly went into a conniption over the sheer injustice of it all. Dipper however managed to bring himself back from the brink with a couple deep breaths. "It's not fair."

"Yeah, you deserve better than what you got tonight." Wendy chimed in matter-of-factly. "Like...just so much better, I don't even know where to start."

Mabel gratefully beamed back at the two of them.

"Awww, thanks! But don't worry! It's just one weird little evening. There's still plenty of fish in the sea for Mabel!" She cast out an imaginary lure, complete with the sound effect of a lure blopping into the water. The young woman managed to get her brother's mood to swing from outraged to outright amazed.

"You're handling this...uh, pretty well." He put it mildly.

"What? I told you, it was only one date. Did you forget already?" She laughed as she cast her line out again.

"Still….this was your first date. In like, literally years." He lamented. His sister showed her appreciation for his indignation with a hug and a grin.

"I get it. Lucky for me I did some super-serious thinking before I set up my profile and everything, so it's all good!"

"What kind of thinking?" asked Wendy.

"Well, don't get me wrong, it'd definitely be nice to meet someone. But if the whole thing dating doesn't go smoothly at first….you know, I can't really get that upset. Not when I have allll this!"

Her toddlers were now clinging to her legs. The adoring mother pat their heads and grinned lovingly. "No matter what happens, I still have two of the best little sweetiekins that anyone could have ever asked for, ever. And that's just to start off! There's also my curly-tailed little gentleman, my Fee-Fee here, an awesome sis of my very own to go crazy and gal out with, and to top it allll off, the ultimate bro-bro!"

Mabel booped her twin on the nose. "I'll keep my fingers crossed next time I meet someone for drinks. But in case that doesn't work out, or the date after that, or the one after that, or whatever, it's fine! One million percent fine! Sure, a guy would be nice, but you know what? It's not something Mabel Pines needs. It's not like I'm actually all alone at the end of the day or anything. When I see what I've got going on right here…."

She sported a brilliant smile as she gestured to them all with a sweep of her arm. "I think I'm doing pret-ty well for myself!"

"...Wow." Dipper exclaimed softly in amazement. It was quite clear that the indomitably-spirited woman obviously meant every single confident word.

"Uh-huh! Mabel's got it allll figured out!" She boasted.

Her heart-warmed sister-in-law went in for a hug. "Okay, has anyone told you today how amazing you are?"

"I'm listeninggggg!" Mabel sang as she lovingly squeezed back.

"Mabes, you're something." Wendy laughed.

"But next time you go out, let us know if you think anything's up." Dipper protectively encouraged. Before she could reply, her hyper-neurotic twin added, "Seriously, if you suspect _anything_ at all, let us know."

"Well if that's gonna be the new rule, then good thing tonight's date is already over…." Mabel started giggling.

"Wait…" He read her like an open book. "Hold on! You knew something was up with him?"

"Oooohhh, you should've been there!" She snickered. "It just took me five minutes. And he was trying so hard too! I almost wanted to feel sorry for him at one point, but he was just soooo, so bad at hiding it. How he got to be as old as he was, I have no idea. His acting skills were a whole bunch of _thbbbbt_!"

"Wait...if you knew, then why didn't you call us? Or just end the date?" Dipper demanded incredulously. His sister's smile spouted a mischievous twist.

"Because he was the one paying for dinner at that swanky bar and grill place downtown….AKA, home of the best fries in the entire city!"

"Did you seriously…." Dipper's question was answered before he could even finish. She dug into her purse and lugged out an impossibly large takeout box.

"Guess who ordered extra?" The woman giggled. Finn and Gladys cheered up a storm as their mother triumphantly set her haul before them. Mabel then tucked her legs beneath her and happily dug in with her children right then and there on the floor.

"Wait, so you-" Her brother tried to interrupt.

"It's okay, I got enough for everyone!" She assured before she reached back into her purse, and like magic she produced two more takeout boxes. The irrepressible woman waved them about and sang welcomingly, "C'mon, have some! They're still warr-rrrrm!"

"...Uh…thanks." Dipper wisely decided to surrender without any fuss. Wendy burst out with a snorting laugh as she sat down and joined the rest of the pack.

"Yeah, I think you were totally justified." She enthusiastically approved.

Mabel nodded proudly between mouthfuls. "If getting back on the dating scene's gonna get weird, then at least Mabel's gonna make it work for her….."


	33. Reassurance

"...Easy…..easy….." The young father moved with the precision of someone disarming a ticking bomb. It ended up taking him a full thirty seconds to lower his daughter from his arms down into her crib, but it was better safe than sorry. The past several hours had been a blur of ceaseless rocking and bouncing, endlessly repeated lullabies and bedtime stories, all while an incredibly fussy Phoebe ceaselessly cried and cried. But at last she had mercifully fallen asleep. Carefully he closed the nursery door behind him and half tip-toed, half-shambled into the den.

"Is she asleep yet?" Wendy mumbled. Clad in a baggy shirt and flannel pajamas pants, she lay sprawled on top of the couch in a limp heap.

"Uh huh." Dipper grunted as he lay down on the floor. Together the two parents gazed up at the ceiling through their bloodshot eyes.

"...Dipper?"

"Yeah?

"Are we good parents yet?" Asked the exhaustion-drunk woman.

"...Good question." He replied only after a considerable pause. Dipper then sat up and gave his head a shake. Tonight was definitely not the kind of night they could afford to have their anxieties creep up on them like this. "No, wait! No, no, no. No."

"Dude, you okay?" She yawned.

"I'm fine. No wait, I mean we're fine." He declared steadfastly. "We're doing just fine."

"Y-yeah….yeah." Wendy rubbed her bag-lined eyes and joined in on the much-needed confidence boost. "She just has bad nights sometimes. So what?"

"We got this." He said with a firm nod.

"We totally got this." She agreed with a grin. Only a moment later her face fell with weary despair. "Dipper?"

"Yeah?"

"It's not helping." Confessed the bone-tired new mother.

"Same." Dipper conceded defeatedly. "The twins didn't have nights like this when they were this young, did they?"

"Only when they were sick. They're always been pretty good sleepers...I think." Wendy tugged at her hair and let out a groan. "God, how does Mabel do it? She has two kids, and she's doing just fine! We outnumber Phoebe two-to-one and I feel like...I feel like we're just barely handling her."

"It's fine. Sometimes she just gets really fussy, but that's okay….right?" He said with noticeable hesitance.

Wendy stared back blankly. "Wait, are you seriously asking me, or…."

"I don't even know right now." He flopped right back against the floor.

The conversation was brought to a screeching halt by an unmistakable flash from right outside the apartment door. Both of the sleep-deprived parents spotted the brief burst of otherworldly light. Soon they could hear two distinct but muffled voices. In a flash they were both wide awake and on the highest alert.

Midnight visitors heralded by a flash. That couldn't possibly be a good sign. It looked like a fussy baby was now officially the least of their problems.

"Not tonight." Dipper groaned as he climbed to his feet. Wendy quickly retrieved her trust hatched, and together the two slunk to the front door silently as shadows to face what were assuredly paranormal intruders. They could hear the sudden arrivals a little clearer now.

"...Gotta do this quick…."

"...I know, just let me…"

Whoever had stopped by was sorely mistaken if they were going to do a hit and run and get away with it. Dipper wordlessly gave the signal, then swung the door open wide. The two moved like lightning as they seized their would-be attackers and bodily hauled them inside. Wendy had hers pinned in a flash. But Dipper's much smaller but equally panic-stricken captive erupted with a shrill shriek before worming free.

"Hey!" He chased after, but his little target dodged about fast as the wind.

"Bad idea! I knew this was a bad idea!" The shrill, grating yell echoed through the apartment. A bald, begoggled man thrashed about in panic until Wendy held her blade mere inches from his face.

"Okay, what are you-" Recognition washed over her. Although she hadn't crossed paths with him over the years as nearly as much as her husband or sister-in-law had, it was still pretty hard to forget a man who worked for the Time Anomaly Removal Crew.

"What the-" Dipper laid eyes on the shockingly familiar face and went stumbling right over the coffee table. The young man went sprawling hard on the living room floor. The other intruder dashed behind the sofa and tucked out of sight. A strange quiet now settled on the room.

"Please don't kill me, Wendy." Blendin Blandin broke the silence with a shameless plea. The startled redhead stepped back and wisely stowed her weapon aside.

"Okay, what is happening right now?" She looked to her equally confused husband.. Things had gotten quite strange quite fast.

"No idea at all." Dipper openly admitted. "Blendin, what are you doing here?"

"Uhhhh…." He had already broken into a nervous sweat. "Aw jeez, I...honestly don't really know. I mean, I shouldn't even be here. I never should have said yes, but….she just pressured me so hard. They both did, it wasn't even fair! You know me, I'm not made of steel or anything, I couldn't…."

Blendin's frantic babbling wasn't doing anything to clear things up. Dipper decided to try and get his first good look at the future-operative's travel companion. The young man tracked the sounds of frantic gasping over behind the couch. His curious wife followed along right behind them.

What they saw stole the breath from their throats. Neither one of course had ever seen the frightened preteen girl before, yet they both knew her instantly. Dipper could tell by the red hair and bright emerald green eyes she had inherited from her mother. Wendy was able to guess from the way the skinny little thing's face twisted in panic; she had seen that look on her husband's face a thousand times. Of course, her cap and flannel-shirt combo were also helpful clues.

Time seemed to stand still as the couple gawked wordlessly at her, neither one not sure what to say or even do. The rattled child wiped her face with the back of her hand and finally spoke up in a shrill quaver.

"I-I didn't mean to scare you…."

She burst into tears. Wendy got down on her knees and opened her arms wide without so much as a second thought. The young girl held back, but only for a moment before her own instinct overrode caution. She stumbled over and destroyed any possible lingering doubts over her identity. For Wendy there was absolutely no mistaking it now; the child fit in her arms like a puzzle piece.

"It's okay, kiddo. It's okay." She started rubbing her back and whispering to her as if she had done this a thousand times before.

"I'm sorry," Her daughter whimpered.

"I know, me too. We just didn't know it was you. Shhhh…. it's okay." Wendy was dead-focused on providing maternal comfort first and getting answers later. Dipper however already had a thousand questions that he couldn't wait to unload.

"Phoebe, what…you're actually…...you're…." It took some sputtering until he could properly form sentences again. "What are you doing here?"

Suddenly he felt a terrible sinking in the pit of his stomach. What on earth did it take to send his own daughter back in time like this? In absolutely no time his hyperactive mind had cooked up a dozen terrible possible scenarios, ranging from impending death of a family member to a warning of a machine uprising.

"Is everyone alright?" he started frantically asking. "Is everything okay? Is the-"

"Dude!" Wendy snapped. "Just hold on!"

"I'm sorry, but this isn't exactly an everyday thing!" he pointed out. "Our own kid is visiting us _from the future_!"

"Yeah, and so can you give her a sec?"

"Don't worry." Blendin hurriedly assured. "It's not an emergency."

Dipper's concern was only slightly alleviated. "But didn't you just say you shouldn't be here?"

"This isn't an official visit. I'm actually supposed to be on a lunch break right now." He nervously checked his all-purpose watch. "We only have a couple minutes before anyone at central notices. Oh man, if Time-Baby hears about this…."

"I'm sorry." Phoebe looked up from her mother's shoulder. "You weren't supposed to see me. This was only supposed to take a few seconds. I only wanted drop this off..."

She reached into her pocket and took out a small handmade card. The girl sniffled guiltily. "I-I shouldn't be here too. I didn't think this through at all. This was a stupid idea, but….but I couldn't get it out of my head….I just kept thinking th-that maybe if I….m-maybe if….I thought I-I could really help you guys out if I-I..."

"Shhhhh." Wendy gently raised her chin and looked into the tearstained freckled face. The young woman burst out chuckling the moment she figured it out. "Oh my God….you're as stubborn as your Dad, aren't you?"

Phoebe managed a weak smile, and soon she was giggling softly with her mother. By the sounds of it, it wasn't the first time this accusation had been affectionately raised against her.

"Yikes." Dipper winced as he took a knee next to them. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Her grin grew a little as he apologetically ruffled her hair. "Mom always says she wants me to take after your side anyways."

"Glad to hear future-me is on top of things." Wendy noted appreciatively.

"So how did you even get here?" Dipper curiously pumped her for information.

"I called in a favor from him." Phoebe nodded pointedly to Blendin. She then sheepishly clarified, "Actually, it wasn't my favor. Aunt Maymay gave it to me."

"Okay, not really surprised at all there." Her father admitted truthfully before he shot Blendin a quizzical look. "Wait, so what do you owe Mabel for?"

"Nothing. Not yet at least. I mean, not yet for you here in this time." The time traveler tried to awkwardly explain. In the darkened living room his blush was obvious. "But later….hoooo boy….I still owe her at least two more favors….wait, or is it three? Oh man…."

Eager to change the subject, he tapped his watch. "Look, sorry to keep this short, but we can't stick around for long. Someone's gonna notice this soon-"

Phoebe took a deep breath as she faced her parents. "I don't have that much to say. It's just….after hearing all the stories from Aunt Maymay when I was little, and how you two would get so worked up about me…..I thought that maybe it'd be nice if…."

She took the card and gently pressed it into her father's hands. Sheepishly she explained,"It just says not to worry too much…..I'll turn out okay."

Wendy immediately choked right up, and the room suddenly grew a little blurry for a now watery-eyed Dipper. Both wrapped their arms around her tightly and poured every ounce of loving gratitude they could into the peculiar family embrace.

No one of course wanted it all to end anytime soon, but unfortunately they didn't have too long before Blendin nervously cleared his throat. "Uh….look, I really hate to be that guy, but….you know, the whole we-might-get-caught thing. Trust me, Time-Baby is not someone you want to cross, especially if he hasn't had his nap yet."

No one knew better than the two parents that one could only fiddle with the timestream for so long without causing some sort of serious lasting trouble. Still, it was with great reluctance that they let Phoebe go.

Phoebe almost immediately began to anxiously fidget with the bridge of her cap. "Hope that helps. Or….hope I didn't mess anything up. I know that-"

"Here," Wendy smiled mischievously before the tween could offer another nervous apology. "Someone sounds like she could use one of these..."

Moving fast, she grabbed Phoebe and blew a messy raspberry on her cheek like she was still a baby. The tween squealed with involuntary laughter as she desperately tried to wriggle away.

"Mom!" her cheeks went bright crimson.

"Looks like it still works." Her mother laughed triumphantly and squeezed her again.

"Reallyyyyy can't keep dragging this out." Blendin was now doing a small dance of impatience. Phoebe scampered over to his side. As he carefully measured his time-traveling tape measurer, she had a quick thought about who she was returning to.

"You're gonna ground me when I get back, aren't you?" She half-joked.

"How old are you?" Dipper asked.

"Eleven."

"That's plenty of time to forget things." He winked. "Just make sure not to remind us about this."

"I'll try not to." She smiled. He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, and she snuck in one last hug around his neck.

"Cmonnnn. What did I just say?" Blendin whined. The tween positioned herself at the ready, to his relief. "Thank you. Okay, we're off. And I'll be seeing you too….I think about four months, your time."

"That soon?" Wendy asked.

"Uh-huh. Last week got so crazy for me, I don't even…." He trailed off with a tired moan. It wouldn't have been simple to explain even if he wasn't in a rush. Blendin placed one hand down on her shoulder then let rip with his time machine. The little girl got in a furious last wave, and they were gone just as suddenly as they had first arrived, ending one of the oddest surprise visits they ever had.

"...So did that really just happen, or am I just that tired?" Wendy asked.

"I don't think so. Hallucinations don't usually leave behind souvenirs." He passed the card off to her. She handled it like a priceless jewel.

"I miss her like crazy already." Wendy confessed, smiling wistfully. "Our little sneak."

"Well no one technically left anyone." Dipper reminded her. "I mean, she's still here with….ohhh no…."

Joint realization hit them both with the force of a thunderbolt. During the whole incident they had completely forgotten about a certain someone. Dipper gasped, Wendy swore under her breath, and together they booked it the back of the apartment. Their infant daughter fortunately was right where they left her. As a nice cherry on top, she had miraculously slept through everything. As the parents caught their breath, Wendy just barely managed to stifled a laugh.

"Shhhh." Dipper hushed her. She was forced to bit her lips until she could calm down.

"Dude, look at us. Didn't she literally just tell us not to freak out so much?" She chuckled.

"Yeah." He said guilty.

"We seriously didn't listen to a single thing she said, did we?"

"I know, I know but….I still don't really….uh, I'd really rather not take any chances." The ultra-neurotic father replied. She rewarded his blunt honesty with a quick peck on the cheek.

"Me too." She readily conceded. "I'm still feeling a little better about this whole parenting thing though."

"Me too." He allowed himself a soft laugh.

Together the two contently watched their daughter's little chest rise and fall as she lay peacefully passed out in a deep sleep. Dipper however managed to ruin the moment when his eyes wandered to the nearest. It was not a decent hour, to put it mildly. "Whoa. We should probably get to bed."

"Yikes. Yeah, good idea." Wendy grimaced after getting a look for herself. Together the two slunk from the room, both stopping at the doorway for one final look.

"...Five more minutes?" Dipper suggested after the final loving glance proceeded to last for a full twenty seconds and counting.

"Five more." Wendy eagerly beat him back to the crib.

As the adoring parents gazed over their slumbering daughter, both relished gratefully together in their little bit of extra confidence. While Wendy wore a smile bright enough to light up a city, Dipper leaned over to whisper a well-deserved message to their baby daughter and the thoughtful girl she was destined to grow into.

"Thank you…."


	34. Matchmaker, Matchmaker - Part 1

Hey folks! First of all, big apologies for those who were a little confused by the last one-shot! I revised and re-uploaded it to make everything clearer. Thanks to Karts of Sugar Rush for helping me out with the process.

And another thanks goes out to Kraven the Hunter for supplying the suggestion that led to this two-parter. Thank you so much! This was such a blast to write.

And as usual, I hope you all enjoy! - SGA

* * *

In just a few short hours most of Gravity Falls would be gathered at the entrance of Northwest Manor and excitedly clamoring to get in for the annual shindig-ball-soiree. And as soon as the clock struck six, the front gates would be welcomingly thrown open wide for all who wanted to come in. It had been the new tradition ever since Pacifica had taken control of the Northwest fortune and estate, and so instead of an exclusive gathering of elites, it was now a town-sized party for everyone to come to and enjoy. She felt that it was the very least she could do to as part of her ongoing efforts to redeem her family name.

As to be expected, organizing such a massive gala always required an equally massive amount of her time and energy, and of course set-up never went to plan. However, at least she could always rely on one clan's help when things inevitably went awry.

"...C'mon, in you go! Let's go, let's go! Move those fluffy butts!" Mabel Pines whooped to the pack of sheep crowding back into the outdoor pen, all expertly herded in by her energetic three-and-a-half-year-olds. Finn and Gladys bounded about barking like a pair of dogs as they chased the stragglers.

"Dude, c'mon." Wendy laughed, taking up the rear with her baby in one arm and an old ewe in the other. Her husband groaned as he hauled along two reluctant goats by the horns.

"W-we're almost ther-OW! Hey! OW!" Dipper's prisoners stopped dragging their hooves and tried their luck headbutting him in the legs. Eventually his little niece and nephew had to come to his aid, but eventually the last two escapees were locked up with the rest.

Pacifica Northwest had watched the entire spectacle, and when they were finished she was gratitude personified. "Oh my God, thank you guys so much! I have no idea how their gate got open. One moment they were there, and the next they were just running around all over the-"

"Oh don't worry, we're always happy to help!" Mabel wrapped an arm around her shoulders and the blonde allowed herself to be lovingly crunched tight. "Need a hand with anything else?"

"No, you guys have done more than enough." She decided after taking a quick scan of the grounds. "You can start getting ready now. Oooh, wait, wait, just a second!"

Suddenly she was a blonde blur. Pacifica retreated into her enormous home and returned in a flash, her arms loaded with several obviously brand new party outfits.

"Oh, yowza!" Mabel marveled over her new dress with an ecstatic whoop.

"Thanks!" Wendy was very happily surprised until she laid eyes on the matching high heels that came with her gift. Their friend however was watching hopefully like an overexcited child, with clasped hands tightly as she bounded on the balls of her feet. The redhead hurriedly forced her faltering smile smile right back up. "Uh...thanks."

"Pacifica, you didn't have to do this." Dipper tried thanking her as he accepted his new suit.

"Trust me, it's the least I could do. Every year you guys…." The gratitude on their faces (half-faked in the case of Wendy) had sent her so aflutter that she soon became a little overwhelmed. Thanks to her upbringing, emotional displays of any sort still didn't come very smoothly for her. "You know, if anyone could spare a couple bucks for it, it's me. So...yeah, it's nothing."

Pacifica was still grinning fit to burst as she slipped off inside to tend to several pre-party preparations. "Look, I need to check when the band's coming, but I'll let you know if I need anything else. Pick any bathroom you want to change!"

It was with an enormous sigh that Mabel wistfully watched the blonde giddily vanish from sight.

"You okay, Mabes?" Wendy noticed.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was just thinking about…." She looked over her new dress and her heart went out to her friend. "Pacifica's always just so excited when we're up here. But when the summer's over, she's going to be all…."

The hyper-empathetic woman sighed again. It was a thought that hung heavily over her whenever they headed home at the end of each summer break.

"I know." Her twin admitted sympathetically. "She probably gets a little lonely when we're not around."

"C'mon has to have some other friends up here." Wendy cooley reassured, but the looks on the twins' faces suggested otherwise. "Wait...doesn't she?"

"No one that she's close to as she is with us. No good friends, no non-crazy family…." Mabel huffed indignantly, "And worst of all, not even a boyfriend! I mean, talk about the crime of the century! Just look at what a catch she is! A huge heart, gorgeous looks, she spends all her time fundraising for like, a million different charities….if anyone deserves at least one nice guy to take her out for a fancy dinner, then….

As Dipper watched the inspired smile curl across her face, he instantly guessed where her mind was going. "Ohhhhh no. Mabel-"

"I bet with all the people that are going to be here tonight, there has to be at least a couple eligible bachelors…." She brightened up.

"No. Not tonight. You're not going to-"

"Why not? The whole situation is just screaming for…." In one movement she hurled her sweater up over her head, revealing a sparkly M-emblazoned shirt underneath. "A matchmaker!"

"So….do you have that on because you knew you were going to say all that, or…" Wendy bewilderedly asked.

"Happy coincidence! The M also stands for Mabel, Mabel the Magnificent, Mighty Mom, and Mama Mabes." She clarified. "It's just a good all-purpose shirt to wear."

"Okay, ignoring all that…." Dipper steered things back from the derail. "Just because she's single doesn't mean that she needs a boyfriend right this very second. I mean, isn't that what you say about yourself?"

She recalled the conversation they had a few months back with a smile. "Totally different cases, bro-bro. In case you forgot, a boyfriend for Mabel would just be a cherry on top of my nice big family sundae."

Mabel cast a quick adoring glance over to her little ones, who were very busily petting a friendly lamb. "I'm super set. But Pacifica doesn't have anyone. Anyone! It's a total clear-cut case. She needs at least someone to-"

"I really think you should hold off a little." Her brother objected.

"More like hold on a lot!" She enthusiastically retorted.

"...What?"

"Okay, not sure where I was going with that. But you get it, don't you? She deserves a good guy, and she deserved one yesterday!"

"Mabel, c'mon." Dipper wouldn't let up. "Look, can we please just get through the party before you think about this anymore?"

"But I-"

"Please?"

Mabel rolled her eyes, but then planted on the sweetest of smiles as she backed down. "Okay, okay….no matchmaking tonight…."

* * *

Night had fallen, the gates were opened, and the festivities were in full swing. The main hall was packed as all manner of town residents danced themselves silly to the live music or enjoyed a neverending supply of refreshments.

Slinking on the edge of the cavernous room, a young woman was hard at work. Carefully she scouted out every single available-looking bachelor she could, pausing every now and then to scribble her findings in a notepad.

"...Oooohh, maybe that guy over there….nice trimmed beard, looks pretty put together…." She jotted 'Beardface' into her list, only to have the misfortune of watching him pick something from his facial hair and pop it into his mouth. With a shudder she hurriedly crossed him out. "Nope, gross. Okay, how about….no, no….let's see….nuh-uh, that guy's the mayor of Pit Stain-ville. Who else, whoooo else….hmmmm….I wonder…."

While she mulled, her incredibly uncomfortable sister-in-law exited the dance floor, hobbling ungracefully on her sore feet.

"Hey Ma-" She was saved from a nasty stumble thanks to Mabel's speedy catch.

"Whoops, I gotcha Wen-Wen!"

"Thanks." She adjusted one of the cursed but assuredly expensive new shoes and grimaced. Oh how she wished this pair of torment devices weren't a gift. "Okay, which way to the drinks table?"

"Oh, it's by the…." A thought crossed Mabel's mind. "Sayyyy….are any of your brothers here?"

Wendy took one look into the eager brunette's eyes and was immediately suspicious. However the conversation was ended prematurely by a pair of three-year-olds. They zipped out from the crowd and latched themselves tightly onto their aunt.

"Aunt Wenny, where'd you go?"

"Dance with us! Dance with us!"

"We're not done yet!"

"Come back?"

"Please?"

"Pleeeeeeeeaaase?"

"Hold on, I just need a quick…." Wendy's resistance crumbled beneath their puppy-dog eyes. The dutiful aunt readjusted her footwear, took a deep breath, and let them lead her back out. "Okay...how about you guys keep dancing and I watch-"

"Nope! EVERYONE dances!" Her nephew's cheer made her groan despondently.

"Okay, have funnnnn! Oh, wait! Glad-Glad!" One of her little agents zipped back over and stood at eager attention. "What's the report from the dance floor?"

"Handsome guy oveh theah!" She lisped and pointed. Her mother pat her head and added the fellow to the list.

"Good job! Have fun with your Aunt Wenny! Oh, and let me know if you see any of her bro-bros!" She waved Gladys off and peeled her eyes for burly redheaded men. She was so focused searching for Corduroys, that she didn't spot the young man striding towards her. Before she knew it her brother was right by her side, with his daughter in his arms and an annoyed scowl stretched on his face.

"I thought we agreed on no matchmaking tonight." Dipper busted her on the spot and sent his startled twin scrambling for an excuse.

"I'm not! I'm…..uh…I'm...I'm just..."

"I've been watching you lurk around for the past five minutes."

"I'm only taking down a couple names! It's not like I'm gonna vet anyone later." Right on cue she accidentally dropped the folder tucked under her arm, sending several papers spilling. She chuckled weakly into her brother's disapproving glare "Those are unrelated."

Dipper picked one up and wasn't surprised at all to see that it was an incredibly detailed dating questionnaire. "'Rate how good of a listener you are on a scale of 1 to 15….what's more romantic, a trip to the beach or a bicycle ride for two, explain in two paragraphs or less...what would you rather gift as a gift on a third date, a bouquet of flowers or a box of puppies…..are you, or have you ever been a bunch of disguised gnomes standing on top of each other's shoulders, Jeff? Name your three favorite shades of...' oh c'mon!"

"I haven't even screened one person yet!" She defended herself.

"That doesn't matter." He kept her folder. "You're not doing this now."

"But Dipper-"

"Later. For now, just...just have fun. Enjoy the party! Enjoy…" He looked around. "Anything. There's like twenty different things you can do just in this room besides this."

"Okay….." Mabel pretended to give in. Just as he let down his guard, she licked her palms and clapped them against the sides of his face. It was an old tactic of hers from when they were kids; gross, but just as effective as ever. "Tidal wave!"

"MABEL!" While he became distracted from disgust she speedily relieved him of her quizzes, paused, and decided to snatch Phoebe away as well.

"Yes! Got an extra little helper now too!" She triumphantly cheered, and in a flash she had raced from his sight to the far side of the room. "Who wants to hang out with her Aunt May-May?"

The baby gurgled excitedly at her aunt's smiling face. She continued on her quest, and as she browsed the partygoers she chattered to her little niece all the while.

"That guy? Nah….how about….no, no…...how about him? By the chocolate fountain?" Phoebe gazed up wordlessly and her aunt scoffed. "You're right, what am I thinking? No way. Hmmmm….there's gotta be someone here that's good enough for….Pa...cif….wow."

Then she saw him. Halfway across the packed room, a drink in one hand, casting a casual gaze out over the crowd. Mabel froze and marveled at the fantastically gorgeous fellow. Perfectly groomed locks shimmering like freshly made gourmet milk chocolate, piercing blue eyes that reminded one of a clear summer day, a finely chiseled face so smooth and clean, all of which was set atop a well-sculpted body. He was like a work of art come to life.

"...Razzle _dazzle_." She whispered in breathless awe. Mabel cautiously stood back and observed, just in case he was too good to be true. But her sharp eyes didn't see wedding ring on his finger, and she could detect no no spouse or partner hovering nearby. As far as she could tell, he didn't seem to be with anyone.

"Bye bye!" The matchmaker promptly hurled all her questionnaires out the nearest window without a second thought. She had no idea who this incredibly striking fellow was, but something told her that she could easily give him a free pass straight to round two. Mabel bounced right on over without a second thought.

"Well hello there! What's a guy like you doing all alone?"

Although she had popped up to him from out of the blue he didn't even bat an eyelid. Instead he merely flashed a wonderfully warm smile as he asked back playfully, "Are you asking for a 'friend.'?"

Mabel felt a surge of heat rush to her face, and immediately she was stricken with the giggles. Her niece however wasn't as receptive. Phoebe took one look and hid under the crook of her aunt's shoulder with a whimper.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" He graciously chuckled it right off. "Just joking! Just joking!"

Mabel mentally jotted all the wonderful details as fast as she good. Comfortingly good-humored? Check. Laughter that was music to one's ears? Check. And his breath….actually, it smelled a little funky, if she had to be honest. Kind of like the seafood section of a grocery store. Nobody was perfect though. She'd give him a breath mint later before she made introductions to her lucky, lucky friend.

"Don't worry, Phoebe here always gets suspicious of new people. You take after your daddy, don't you? Hmmm? Don't you?" She cooed. "Aw, she'll be fine. Anyway, I'm Mabel! And it's funny that you asked about a friend because boy, do I have an opportunity for you….now let's see, where...ah! See that gal over there? The total knockout beauty in the purple dress, right there? Okay, soooo….

It took ten minutes for her to finish her passionate pitch. "...And a guy like you would have to be absolutely out of your mind to come all the way to a shindig like this and not at least say hi to her! What do you say?"

"Wow." He didn't appear to mind in the least that she had just chattered his ear off. In fact, he seemed quite impressed. "I have to say, it sounds like she has it all."

"Ohhhh, I'm just barely scratching the surface here!" Mabel boasted. Meanwhile, the baby continued to squirm unhappily in her arms, as if the distrustful little thing was trying to bury herself away. "Shhh, calm down, sweetie! Be nice..."

"Well, you've convinced me." He announced. That was fast. Mabel's heart snag with triumph.

"Great! Just follow me, and I'll introduce you to….oops! Sorry! Here I've been blabbing my mouth off this whole time and I haven't even gotten your name yet!" She laughed.

"Oh don't worry." He chuckled reassuringly. "It doesn't really matter that much. I'll be out of here with my new bride in….probably shouldn't take me much longer than ten, fifteen minutes."

"Haha! Oh, well let's not get too far ahead of ourselves!" She giggled.

"Excuse me?" He asked politely. His puzzled expression made it pretty clear that it was no joke. The laughter immediately died on her lips. There was definitely something off here.

"Uhhh….hold on….are you serious, or-"

"Let's be honest. If even half of what you told me about her is true, I'd be a fool to say no to a wife like that." He flashed her an appreciative grin. "Thanks so much for the recommendation!"

Like magic she became completely lost in his charming smile. She was so hypnotized by his gleaming pearly whites that by the time she returned to the present, the mystery bachelor was long gone. An incredible sense of dread now weighed heavily on her chest. She looked down to her baby niece and swallowed hard.

"I think you might have had the right idea…."


	35. Matchmaker, Matchmaker - Part 2

"...Refill, please?" Stanford Pines politely asked the bartender. Just as he was topped off, a near-identical old man shuffled over to the open bar and thrust out an empty plastic milk jug.

"Fill 'er up. Whatever you got on tap here, all the way to the top." Stanley Pines casually nodded to his brother. "Hey."

The mortified Ford groaned. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What's it look like? Do you see how much free food and drinks they've got going on here? We'd be morons not to try and stock up!"

"Stan, no. We're not taking home a whole….hold on….is that backpack full of sliders?"

"Well Mr. Genius-nerd, if you can think of a better way to carry them, then…." The escalating argument was mercifully cut short when Dipper appeared.

"Either of you seen Mabel anywhere?"

Before either of his great-uncles could answer, the woman in question suddenly appeared among them, breathless and wide-eyed with panic.

"GottafindPacificahe'sgonnagether!" She frantically garbled out all at once.

"Whoa, whoa, what?" Dipper motioned for her to calm down. His sister paused for a moment and took in a slow, deep breath.

"WegottafindPacificahe'sevilthebabysuspecteditbutIdidn'tandnow-"

"Easy there! Easy! C'mon!" Stan gave her a couple hearty pats on the back until she could make herself intelligible.

"This...this guy…was hanging around…." She gasped out in spurts. "I thought he'd be a great match for Pacifica, but….talked to him…. said allllll this crazy stuff about taking her and making her his wife….and then he was just gone, and now…."

From what the others could tell, paranormal trouble were definitely afoot. Her clan went on immediate high-alert.

"What? What did he look like?" Dipper could feel every one of his muscles anxiously tense tight as a drawn bowstring.

"He was…." As she recalled the gorgeous man, she fell into a sort of trance right before their very eyes. "An unforgettable smile….skin smoother than marble….and sweet baby blue eyes that you just wanted to go for a swim in…."

"Wait, what?" Her brother's cry snapped her out of it. "What are you talking about?"

"You have to see this guy! He's like….he's almost too handsome! And charming! You've never seen a man as gorgeous as him, ever! Itt's like witchcraft! Hunky, hunky, witchcraft!"

"Okay Mabel, I need you to think. Can you remember anything else about him?" Ford asked.

"Actually…." She recalled one particular detail. "There was one thing that was pretty fishy about him."

"What? Something about his look? The way he talked?"

"Now, I mean like, fishy-fishy." Her face crumpled in disgust. "His breath smelled like a can of tuna."

Ford's brow furrowed grimly. "Sounds like we're dealing with a selkie."

"Huh? What's silky?" She asked.

"No, selkies." The expert explained. "Also known as the seal-folk. A kind of shapeshifter. They live as seals in the sea, but they take the form of humans when they come on land to find mates. Their land forms are extremely attractive, and their powers of seduction are legendary. They also-"

"Wait, so, a seal-person...uh, creature-whatever came all the way here? To Gravity Falls?" Dipper sounded incredulous. This seemed a little too ridiculous even by their standards. "We're not near the ocean. Like, at all."

"Sometimes they travel pretty far inland. At least the picky ones do." Ford replied matter-of-factly. His brother raised a bushy eyebrow.

"And how the heck do you know?"

"Because when I tried dating shortly after I moved here….let's just say one of my exes gave me trouble." He left it at that, and thankfully there was no time to press him for details.

"Wait, so he's going to take Pacifica to live in the sea?!" Mabel yelped. "Forever?"

Ford reached under his sweater and checked the hidden holster underneath. "If that's what we're dealing with, then unfortunately yes."

"What? Then we gotta find her!" Dipper didn't want to waste another moment. "Mabel, where-"

"On it!" She knew exactly what he was going to ask. The woman shoved a finger and thumb in her mouth, whistled hard, and a faint cry went up from the packed partygoers.

"Coming Mommy!"

Mabel's little ones beelined over, each one holding one of their aunt's hands as they pulled her along. Wendy looked like she was walking on broken glass as she struggled to keep up. Happy to be off the dance floor, she went to the nearest chair and collapsed. The tiny twins bounced up and down, ready and waiting to help.

"Okay babies, periscope time!" Mabel announced before passing Phoebe off into Stan's arms. She and Dipper scooped up a child each, stood them on their shoulders and start spinning around in slow circles to give them a full three hundred and sixty degree view.

"What are we looking for?" Finn chirped excitedly.

"We need you to find your Aunt Pac-" Their mother didn't even get to finish before Gladys lit up with a cry.

"Found her! I WIN!" She pointed victoriously. Across the room, the heir to the Northwest fortune was chatting one-on-one with a man so inhumanly handsome that he actually took Dipper's breath away.

"Whoa."

"I know, right?" His twin whispered.

From the looks of it, Pacifica seemed to have forgotten the world around her. All her attention was completely focused on the beautiful specimen of man standing before her. As he spoke to her she wore a smile so big that it threatened to take over her face. He held out his hand, and the hopelessly enchanted woman gladly took it. Together they strolled out towards the back of the house.

"No! Wait!" Mabel confused several nearby partygoers with her defiant cries. "SHE'S NOT YOUR SEA-WIFE! GET BACK HERE, YOU GORGEOUS MONSTER!"

"All right, let's move it!" Despite his advanced years, Ford was always ready for a scrap. Stan however was perfectly happy to stay back with the baby as most of the clan charged off.

"Wait, what's going on? Who's taking Pa-" Wendy stood back up and tripped right onto her stomach.

"Yeesh. Still not one for getting too dolled up, are you?" Stan remarked as he held out a wrinkled arm. His great niece-in-law latched on and ungracefully hauled herself up.

"I hate heels…." She fumed darkly. "Hate, hate heels…."

By the time that the rest of the Pines had navigated the partying crowds, sped through the kitchen and several hallways, raced out a service door and finally caught up, the kidnapper and his bride-to-be had exited a small back gate and were just about to vanish into the surrounding forest.

"STOP!" Dipper yelled breathlessly.

"Oh, hey there!" The selkie happily recognized Mabel. "It's okay, I don't need any more recommendations. You were right, she's everything a guy like me could want. Well, half-guy technically."

"I changed my mind! You're a terrible match!" Mabel snarled.

"Oooh, I think she would have to disagree with you a little. Isn't that right, honey?" He wrapped an arm around her waist and hugged her close. Pacifica smiled dreamily as she cuddled against him. The glassy-eyed woman was completely under his spell.

"Hey...have you met my new husband yet?"

"All right, let her go and step away." Ford reached under his sweater and took out a small handheld crossbow. The selkie however wasn't intimidated in the slightest, and merely chuckled at the fierce-faced family.

"You really wouldn't stop a guy from talking his brand-new wife home with him, would you?" He then flashed them a majestic smile. The sheer beauty of it instantly disarmed them.

"We're sorry…" Dipper grinned apologetically.

"Don't forget to send us an invite to the wedding." Mabel giggled as the glorious, glorious smile completely captivated her. Even Ford was having trouble keeping it together as he harmlessly fired off his weapon in the opposite direction.

"It's so beautiful…it's just…..wait….wait! No you don't!" He struggled valiantly against the urge to gawk like an idiot. "Mabel! Dipper! Fight it! We have to resist his charms!"

"How can I say no….to a face like that?" Asked his stupefied great-niece.

Luckily for them, selkie charms didn't seem to work on children. Neither of Mabel's kids could see what the big screaming deal was about the admittedly nice-looking man. All they knew was that was that he was taking one of their honorary family members away, and that was simply unacceptable.

"Hey! Hey, that's our Aunt Paci!" Finn yelled.

"You give hew back!" Gladys squealed as their charged and pounced on the startled creature.

Now that they were no longer being hypnotized by impossibly good looks, the other Pines were freed from their trance. Ford moved with surprising speed for his age as he dragged Dipper and Mabel behind the nearest shrub.

"Wait, the kids-" Dipper yelled.

"It's okay, my babies can handle themselves!" Mabel shot back confidently. And hold their own they did. The little twins crawled all over their opponent, all the while ferociously punching away with tiny fury-filled fists.

"Hey, c'mon guys. We don't need to….ow! Alright, that's enough...c'mon…." Not even being viciously attacked could stop the selkie from being an impossibly lovable gentleman.

"Run! Run Aunt Paci!" Finn yelled. But Pacifica watched on in a total daze.

"Wh-what are you doing to my husband?"

"A little help? Please" He winced as the little boy sunk his baby teeth into his leg. She tittered like a drunk and eagerly came to his aid. Meanwhile the others tried to regroup as fast as they could. Relying on a pair of three-year-olds definitely wasn't something they could do for long.

"That guy, he's...he's just….he's….he's dangerously beautiful!" Dipper still reeled with shock. "It's like every single Renaissance painting rolled into one person!"

"He's not just eye candy! He's the entire candy shop!" Mabel despaired.

"You can't fall for it!" Ford snapped while he reloaded. "It's our only chance!"

"How? You can't look at that handsome face for even a second before….oooh! Ooh, that's it!" She shot off before either her great uncle her twin knew what was happening. "I'm going in!"

The children meanwhile were gradually being routed. Pacifica managed to tug Gladys off after an epic struggle.

"All right," She sang with a mindless smile. "Stop playing around, we have to go now."

"No! Don't go! Don't goooooo!" The child squealed.

"Sorry kiddo." The selkie said kindly. "But we got a long way back home, so I'd really rather get going sooner than lat-"

"Nobody's going anywhere!" Mabel raced around and blocked their exit into the woods. Even with Finn clinging doggedly to his leg and the brunette boldly staring him down, the selkie was unfazed. Once again he simply flashed his dangerously hypnotic smile.

"Oh come now, we don't-" And suddenly he found himself staring at what was without a doubt the most stunningly beautiful visage he had ever seen in his entire life. He was immediately enraptured. "Well...h-hello there…"

While he was transfixed by his own reflection in her compact mirror, Mabel hurriedly motioned to her son. Finn jumped clear just as she whipped out her favorite weapon and took aim. The grappling hook hit the selkie dead-on in the chest and dropped him like a bag of cement.

"Good shooting!" Ford laughed. However, they didn't have much time to bask in victory. The selkie was down, but not out. The creature climbed back to his feet with a disappointed sigh.

"I really didn't want to have to do this the hard way…." His magnetic personality bewitched Mabel again in a heartbeat, making her an easy target as he charged right at her.

"NO!" Dipper shoved his twin out of the way. Suddenly it felt like he had been rammed by a miniature freight train, and he went flying through the air. Ford raised the crossbow and took aim.

"Don't you dare-" Only one swipe from the creature was all it took to send him soaring. Thankfully, his body found a cushion to land on. Dipper unfortunately was the cushion.

"Selkies…..h-have the strength of a grown-seal...even when on land…." the old man unhappily recalled.

"How big do seals get?" His great-nephew wheezed.

"Northern fur seals? About….f-four hundred pounds."

"Feels about right." The two struggled to peel aching bodies off the ground. The selkie now turned his attention to Mabel.

"Nothing personal, I just need to bring my wife home." The ultra-charismatic creature politely apologized before preparing another attack.

"Oh… it's okay." Mabel went aflutter. But as soon as Finn hid behind her with a whimper, the young mother snapped right out of it. "No, wait, not okay! IT'S NOT OKAY!"

She scooped Finn up and rolled to safety just in time as he charged her by. Spitting dirt and and twigs, Mabel got up on one knee and fired. The force of the hook sent him toppling back, but his inhuman strength kept him on his feet this time. He grabbed hold of the line, and the young woman could only watch as the recoil send her weapon rocketing out of her hand. The young woman frantically scrabbled for a tree branch, a rock, anything she could use to fight. The selkie meanwhile kicked her grappling hook away, straightened his gorgeous hair out, and flashed her one final charming smile.

"If we're all done here, I think I'm ready to-"

It was the work of only moment. Suddenly he was down on the ground, howling in pain. The cavalry had arrived, and was absolutely in no mood for mercy. A breathless Wendy scowled as she loomed over him.

"D-did...did you just stab me with a shoe?" He stared at the pricy piece of footwear now buried heel-first in his shoulder.

"Try anything and I'll make it two." She waved the other heel threateningly. The creature clutched at his wound and shook his head furiously. And before he could get any second thoughts of any sort, there was a dull thunk as a small bolt buried itself into the ground mere inches from his head. Ford reloaded and took aim.

"Get out. Now."

The selkie didn't offer a peep of protest. He tumbled and tripped over himself as he dashed off and began a long, frantic retreat back west to the sea from where he came.

"Wha….." It didn't take long until Pacifica was freed from his bewitching powers of seduction. First thing she noticed of course was the little girl still in her arms.

"Hi Aunt Paci!" Gladys before hugging her tightly.

"We beat 'em!" Finn latched on so tightly that he squeezed a grunt out of her.

"Wait, what-"

"PACIFICA!" Mabel nearly squashed all the air from her body after she joined the group crush. As the overjoyed pack squished her organs, the dumbfounded woman was shocked to not only find herself outside and far away from the biggest event of the year, but surrounded by almost all of the Pines-

"Yeesh! What happened to you guys?" Stan muttered as he curiously sauntered out with the baby in one arm. Correction; all of the Pines.

"I…" Her mind spund. "Wait, what….w-what….."

"Ohmigosh, are you okay?" Mabel began bombarding her with questions. "How many fingers am I holding up? What's your last name? You don't feel any attraction to seals right now, do you?"

"...Why am I out here?" She finally managed to get a word in.

"Don't worry, it's fine! Okay yeah, so maybe a seal-man-thingy kinda tried to enchant you with his wickedly good looks and take you to the ocean to be wife forever….but he didn't! So you're fine!" Mabel happily explained. "See?"

Pacifica stared back and blinked. It took about ten seconds until she could find her voice again. "I….I think I need to sit down….and a drink…."

In a flash of jug of beer was hovering in front of her face. Stan grinned invitingly. "I got you covered…"

* * *

"...Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee."

Mabel tucked in her slumbering children just as she finished the lullaby. After giving them a peck on the forehead each, she quietly snuck from the attic bedroom, taking care to shut the door behind her. She was as tired as the little twins were, but unfortunately there was simply too much going on in her head for her to settle down anytime soon. The young woman made her way downstairs to the back porch, where she flopped onto the old weatherbeaten sofa.

Attempted kidnappings aside, the annual gala had been a great success as usual, thanks in no small part to the grand hostess's quick recovery. Luckily for Pacifica the entire incident was a total blank, and so it was actually easy for her to forgive her apologetic friend. But despite the dazed reassurances she had gotten earlier, Mabel was still stewing neck-deep in guilt.

"Hey." Dipper announced himself with a gentle knock on the doorway.

"Hey." She sighed, not even looking up. Her brother took a seat beside her. They sat quietly for a few moments.

"Mabel-" He started.

"I'm sorry." She remorsefully interrupted. "He seemed like such a catch at first, with all the looks, the laugh, the charm and the….okay, yeah that was kind of his whole thing, but I didn't think it'd come to all of that craziness that! I only wanted….well, you know…."

Mabel sighed. "Nobody should be alone. Especially not Pacifica."

Finished, she braced herself for an I-told-you-so lecture. It seemed inevitable, not to mention completely justified.

"You know…." Her twin began gently. "I didn't tell you not to do any matchmaking at all….I just said no matchmaking tonight."

"Huh?" She vaguely recalled this small detail. "Oh yeah…."

"Look, if there's one thing that I should admit more than anyone else….you can be pretty good at pairing people up." He raised his hand and showed off his wedding band. The surprise reminder brought a fragile smile to her face.

"You mean it?" She asked hopefully.

"I do. But if I'm still being honest here, I really think you do your best work when you take your time. You know," He pointed to himself. "Like you did with me."

"You were definitely a long term-project." She remembered the thrill of the long process it took to get her painfully awkward brother from his first date all the way to the altar.

"I definitely wasn't easy." He agreed, wincing at the memories that floated to mind. "But you helped make it work. Though that was mainly because you didn't try and get Wendy and I like, together-together as fast as you possibly could. I know you only want what's best for everyone. But when you try and really rush people into something, you can…uhhh…."

He prickled up with an anxious itch as he tried to think up a diplomatic way to phrase it. Luckily for him, Mabel now felt ready to face reality with an understanding giggle. "I can get a little ahead of myself, can I?"

"That's one way to put it." He chuckled. "I know tonight was a bust. But no one's stopping you from having another go at it. All I'm asking is that if you're going to do this, just take it nice and easy-"

"Ohhh! Maybe I can take Pacifica out for a karaoke night at the bar and make her try and wow some guys with her…..uh…." The look on Dipper's face gave her immediate second thoughts put an end to that sudden burst of inspiration.

"Ehhh…..maybe something else." He gently nudged her away from the idea.

"Or….orrrrrrr….hmmm…..well, she just threw a party for literally everyone." Mabel thoughtfully brainstormed. "Maybe….we can can throw something for her? Oh! Maybeeeee…..dinner? Here at our place? You know, give her some company tomorrow night?"

Dipper gave her a wear grin of approval "I think she'd like that."

His sister only needed a few seconds to enthusiastically text off an invite. And luckily for her, she didn't need to wait for long before a reply zipped right back.

"Yex." Mabel scrutinized the jumble of letters. "I think she means yes."

"She's had a pretty long night." Her brother winced as he slumped down into the sofa. "We all did."

"Don't worry, friend." She vowed to the misspelled message on her phone. "You've got an amazing time waiting for you tomorrow! And later…..Boyfriend-Town, population you!"

The young woman made sure to hurriedly add, "Not like, right-after-later...when the time's right."

"When the time's right." He repeated with relief. With her spirits had recovered, Mabel beamed thankfully at her brother. The two fist-bumped and finally settled down for a much-needed breather to end off their hectic day.

But barely ten seconds of restful silence passed before Dipper suddenly got a strong hunch. "You're already working on a new list right now, aren't you?"

"Maaaaybe." She stifled a snicker. "Nothing much….juuuust a couple names to keep in mind for later…."

"How many?"

"Oh, I'd say about six good 'maybes' so far."

"Really? Only six?" He teased.

"Hey." An exhausted redhead hobbled out to join the siblings. She settled down next to her husband, and as she rubbed still-aching feet she asked distractedly, "What are you doofuses talking about?"

"Hey Wendy!" Mabel chirped. "Think any of your bro-"

"Nope." Her sister-in-law refused, and Dipper immediately cracked right up.

"Okay, three…" Mabel corrected with a humbled smile. "I have about three good 'maybes' so far…."

* * *

"...It says that whoever answers this questionnaire correctly will have a chance at the most wonderful woman around." Gushed the gnome as he stood before the chieftain's pinecone throne. "That's what it actually says! Right there, at the top!"

His fellow scavenger nodded proudly over their find. "A real chance for a queen worthy of our people!"

Together they eagerly awaited praise from their leader. However, Jeff only needed to scan through it briefly before he decided that he wasn't impressed.

"...Where the heck did you guys find this?"

"Uh….by the big house….um to the west of the town, right outside one of its windows….uh, sir." One of them nervously answered. The gnome leader crumpled up the screening quiz and tossed it aside.

"Yeesh! This thing is so rigged, I don't even know where to start…."

* * *

**And so ends the two-parter! And just in case anyone's never heard of them before, selkies/seal-folk are legnedary creatures from Scottish and Irish folklore. As can be seen, I tried to go for something a little different form the usual array of mythological beasts. **

**Thanks again to Kraven the Hunter for the great idea (and once more, reader suggestions like it are still gladly welcomed anytime.) Hope you all enjoyed, I'll see you next installment! - SGA**


	36. Prison Break

"...C'mon, let's go! Let's go!" Stanley frantically urged. "Move it!"

The two orange jumpsuit-clad men scrambled up the steep cliffside as fast as they could. Just to their right, the constant spray from the nearby waterfall nearly drenched the rock wall, making their already dangerous climb all the more perilous. One slip and they'd either be washed away by the raging torrent, or mashed to an unrecognizable pulp from force of impact with the forest floor.

Unfortunately they were low on good options at the moment. Even over the roaring din, they could still hear the howl of tracking dogs and the distant voices of the pursuing prison guards down at the base of the falls. Stan braved a glance at the tiny ant-like figures far below and immediately regretted it. With a hard swallow the young man continued hauling himself like mad up towards freedom.

However he only managed to crawl a few more vertical yards before his luck ran out. His slipped against the treacherously slippery stone, and with a gruff cry he plummeted several feet before he could was able to get a handhold. A precarious grip was now all that was keeping him from either recapture, or more likely, an untimely demise.

"Jorge! Jorge, help! HELP!" He yelled as he dangled helplessly. His cellmate stopped scaling and glanced down. Stan threw up an impatient scowl. "Hey, Gimme a hand, will ya?"

Once he took stock of the situation, Jorge's lips twisted into an unmistakable smirk. Stan didn't like the looks of this.

"...Jorge?" he asked. Jorge sniggered happily, and then without a word he continued his way up the cliff, much to Stan's utter shock.

"Hey! Hey! What gives" Forced to support his full weight, his arm was already burning with pain. "You blind or somethin'? I'm slippin' here!"

The man paused and looked back again. His smile continued to spread from ear to ear, so much so that he soon resembled a Cheshire cat. For the first time since Stan had known him, instead of his usual Spanish he spoke up in a very thickly accented English. "My friend, allow me a word of advice; even if it's only for three days, no one enjoys sharing a cell who someone who talks too much."

"Huh? What's the supposed to…" The horrible meaning quickly sunk in. "No! No! C'mon Jorge! You're not gonna-"

Adios, Stanley." His fellow escapee happily bid.

"No you can't! W-e're in this together! Together! Jorge, what about the plan?" Stan babbled. As he watched his only hope slowly climb off, Stan scrabbled like fury at the solid rock for another foothold, handhold, or literally anything that would keep him from falling to his doom. "Jorge, no! Come back! Come back! NOOOOO!"

As he desperately tried to hang on, he could feel his fingers start to slowly slip off the wet cliffside, one by one...

* * *

"...By one, until I was holding on by only two fingers." The old man regaled.

Two pajama-clad toddlers listened with bated breath. Their brown eyes had grown to the size of saucers as they sat on their shared bed, giving their great-great uncle their undivided attention. Stan raised one arm high in the air and grabbed hold of an imaginary ledge for extra-dramatic effect.

"….And so there I was, just hangin' for dear life. There were guards below me, a traitor of a cellmate above me, and I only had a few precious moments to think of something before until I fell straight to my de-"

"Grunkle Staaaa-aaaaaaan!" His great-niece marched into the attic bedroom to check up on tonight's story time. Mabel wore a disapproving frown in place of her usual trademark smile. Clearly things weren't going as she would have liked.

"Mabel, can you wait a sec? I just got to the best part." He distractedly dismissed her. "Okay, so there I was, just barely holdin' on, moments away from certain dea-OW! What gives?"

She honked him hard on his prominent nose. "Nuh-uh! Mama Mabes is putting the brakes on this."

"What? What? hey, I'm doin' exactly what you asked me!" Stan groused. "I'm up here, I'm tellin' them a story-"

"Yeah, but I meant a nice story." Mabel gave a thumbs down. "Talking about the time you spent in a creepy Colombian jungle prison does not count as a nice story. And that goes double for her."

She nodded to the wide-eyed freckled-faced baby tucked in his wrinkled arm. Stan rolled his eyes. "Nice-schmice! I'm givin' them all a _good_ story."

"Nope, we're done here! What we need here is something much more…." She thoughtfully paused. "Age appropriate!"

Mabel cheerily hummed to herself as she fished about in a nearby bag. A moment later the dutiful mother and aunt pulled out a brightly colored book that she shoved at him. "Voila! Much better!"

"What's this...'Harriet Hare Hops to Hugville'?"The title alone was enough to make his stomach churn with disgust. He looked up to his great niece with begging eyes. "You have got to be kiddin' me."

"Nope! It's time for a storytime redo!" She clapped her hands and joyously announced, signaling loud and clear that she wasn't entertaining any dissent.

"Is this for real?" Stan resisted. "I feel like just the cover of this thing's givin' me cavities."

"Redo! Story time redo! Redo! Story time redo!" Mabel chanted before ruthlessly going in for the kill. She leaned over the bed, tossed an arm around each of her little twins and delved deep into her adorableness reserves. The crafty woman slapped on the winningest smile possible and turned on the puppy-dog eyes to level eleven. "Pleeeeease? For me? For Mabel?"

When it came to tugging at his heartstrings, she was a champion. However, Stan of all people knew when he was being played. He still managed to hold out, if just barely. "C'mon, can't I just-"

Unfortunately for him, he had taught her too well over the years. Without batting an eyelid she started to wonder out loud, "You know, it wouldn't take me that long to run down to the basement….I'm pretty sure that Great Uncle Ford wouldn't mind coming up and taking things from here…"

"Hey, no! He got storytime last night!" He snapped jealously. Hopelessly backed into a corner, it was with a mighty a sigh that he gave in to her dirty but effective tactics. "Okay, okay, fork it over. So let's see what we have here…It was a beautiful morning in Happyvale Forest. Harriet Hare woke up, and saw that it was one of the sunniest days that she had ever seen in her entire...uugghh..."

His groaned nauseously. This was going to be painful. Mabel happily ignored his discomfort with a warm grin of approval. She dispensed with a pat on the shoulder for him and a kiss each on the forehead for her children and baby niece With her duties now complete she bounded out to rejoin the rest of the clan. "Don't forget to bring Phoebe back downstairs when you're done!"

The little ones then turned their attention back to their great-great uncle without a single word of fuss. However, their quiet attentiveness only lasted until their mother had noisily flounced back downstairs. Once sure that she was out of earshot, Gladys cast a quick cautious glance towards the door and then shyly piped up, "Gwegwunkle Stan?"

"...hippity hop, hippity hop, down the gum drop road she went, over the marshmallow bridge with her friend Henrietta the Hen..." He had barely started, and already he had been bored half to sleep. He dozily droned on until she woke him back up with another chirp and a poke to his side.

"Gewgwunkle Stan?"

"Huh? Whatsimatter, kid?"

"Um...can you...uhh..." The little girl shyly fidgeted with her stuffed duck until her brother spoke up.

"So how'd you get away from the bad guys?" Finn blurted out excitedly. "Did you hava big fall?"

His emboldened sister now chimed in. "What about the otheh guy? That was so mean! He was supposed to be youh fwend!"

"What happened next?"

"Yeah, what happened?"

Stan soon recognized the enthusiasm glistening in their faces as they bombarded him with questions. Even little Phoebe seemed to be staring up expectantly at him. In no time a craggy smile had swept across his face. Without further ado he unceremoniously tossed the book away and dove back into his epic tale of adventure and betrayal.

"Nice to know that some people in this family know a good yarn when they hear it." He gave the attentive tykes a pat on the head each. "Okay, so where was I…all right, so do you little gremlins remember how the prison served us oatmeal for breakfast that morning? Well in my pocket I had saved a handful of..."


	37. Quest Keepsake

It had been an extremely uneventful week for Dippers and Wendy Pines. He had spent the last several days cataloging ancient Native American pottery shards at the museum. Meanwhile as one of the park department's arborists she had her usual workload of pruning, trimming and other assorted tree maintenance. Things hadn't been merely normal, but almost unbearably normal, and so much so that by the time Friday night rolled around they honestly felt the need to go and make an adventure of their own. They put their heads together and came up with a rather interesting solution.

"...Okay, okay," The young man struggled to keep the two-person quest on track. Maintaining his duties as the dungeonmaster was getting harder by the minute thanks to the case of beer they had cracked open at the start of the game. "So….so you're walking through the labyrinth, and….and then you see….you see uh…."

"I know! I see a..." Wendy tried to improvise. "A…..I see a….I dunno, a...butt-dragon?"

Her failure made her burst out cackling uncontrollably.

"No! It's not a…." Dipper began chuckling like a loon. "Okay, I kinda want to make that a thing now."

"Do it, dude! Do it, do it, do it, do it!" She pumped her fists and goaded him on like an immature teen. "C'mon!"

"No, what you actually meet is a….a…." As he searched through his foggy memory, Dipper finished off his fifth beer of the evening. Or was it his sixth? Seventh? Didn't matter. "It's a lich. You enter a massive cavernous room with him standing in the center. He clutches a staff made from hum-"

"A what?" Wendy pressed another beer into his hand. "What the hell's a lich?"

"It's like…it's kind of like an undead wizard." He tried to explain.

"Why don't you just call it a zombie-wizard then? Seriously!" She chuckled. "This game sucks so hard at names!"

"What? No, c'mon! Zombie-wizard? Lich sounds at least twice as menacing!" He playfully argued back.

"Sounds more like something you need some kind of prescription ointment for." She joked mercilessly.

"Okay, fine. The entire labyrinth collapses around you and everyone dies instantly." The dungeonmaster announced, then made a face at her. "End of quest."

"What? Hey, don't be like that! We're so close!" She begged between sips of her umpteenth drink.

"You going to keep making fun of everything?"

"You know I am." His wife snickered and nodded.

"Sounds like a deal to me." Both of them exploded with fresh laughter. "Okay, okay, so he's standing there, practicing a spell when you come into the room. Immediately he rises up on a platform of stolen souls, waves his bone-staff and he fires off a beam of dark energy at you."

"Pffft! That's it? No problem." She drunkenly scoffed off the attack as she made her roll. "It's gonna take more than that to beat this warrior princess. I roll out of the way like a boss, chuck my axe and hit him right between the eyes. Boosh! Done."

"Sorry." He smirked as he rolled against her. "He misses, but so do you. His attack hits a wall and you get pinned under some falling rubble."

"What? Crap, I'm gonna die!" She laughed. "I knew it! I knew it, right at the end!"

"No, no, wait!" Dipper remembered that he was doing two roles. "I still need to go. Hold on, I'm coming!"

"Whooo! Go Sir Doofus!" Wendy cheered him on. "Wait….you're a knight, right?"

"What?" He laughed. "No, I'm a magician's apprentice."

"No way. I could have sworn you've been a knight like, this whole time!"

"What kind of a knight does spells? Have you been paying attention?"

"Maybe I've had a little too much to drink…." She grinned mischievously before taking a deep swig. "Or not enough."

"Okay, so the lich starts to prepare a Soul-Snatching Curse-"

"And you're just gonna stand there!" She playfully punched his shoulder. "Save me!"

"I was just getting to that! Okay, so I try Dark Magic Barrier…." he rolled. "Nope, doesn't work….okay, maybe Fireball Throw….nope, missed…..Palm Lightening….gah, nothing….."

"We're gonna die." She resigned herself with a cackle. "We're so gonna die."

"Wait! Now I try and counter back with Ray of Anointed Light…." He threw down, gawked incredulously at his many-sided die, and shot to his feet with a victorious cheer. "YES!"

"What?"

"Rolled a twenty!" He jumped to his feet and pumped his fists. "Direct hit, right in his undead heart! Instant win, lich is GONE!"

"Oh dude, yes! Yes!" She whooped. Wendy got up and attempted a victory dance, but in her condition coordination proved difficult, She immediately tripped over her own legs and crashed right into her husband. Together the drunken couple fell over in a heap. The two became completely incapacitated with laughter, and it took a few minutes until either could calm down.

"Saved you." Dipper triumphantly wheezed. Still giggling uncontrollably, Wendy awkwardly wrapped her arms around his neck, looked into his glazed eyes and grinned from ear to ear.

"My hero…"

* * *

"...So, yeah. That's why we're kind of not in the mood." Dipper awkwardly fidgeted as he finished his explanation. "After what happened last time we played. it would just….it would feel kind of weird."

However, he had failed to sway either his great uncle or sister, who both were still eager for an evening of maneuvering monster-infested labyrinths.

"Really? C'mon, Dipper." Ford held up the game. "Don't tell me that's going to keep you from playing tonight. We haven't done a quest in ages."

"Yeah, what's the big crazy deal? That's nothing! You know what, Drunk Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons actually sounds amazing!" Mabel heartily approved. "That's something we should do some time! I mean not like, get crazy drunky sloshed like you did, but maybe another night! You know, after the kids have been put down, we can bust out some nice cool drinks with the dice. It just screams summer evening activity, doesn't it?"

Her brother vaguely reiterated, "It….it would just feel really weird. That's all."

"Weird just because you drank last time?" Mabel asked.

"Uh…..yeah." He tried leaving it at that. It was at this point that Wendy spoke up.

"That, and we ended up enjoying ourselves a little too much-"

"Wendy!" Dipper gasped sharply. His wife burst out cackling.

"Dude, they're probably gonna pry it out of us eventually." The red in her cheeks made it clear that she was no less embarrassed, but at least she was being realistic.

"Pry what out?" Mabel cocked her head. "What happened? Did you get a hangover or something? That's nothing! You're being a total party-pooper over nothing!"

"You know what? It was nothing. We got drunk, that was that. You were right, it's actually no big deal." Dipper decided that trying to get by with only a half-truth had been a very, very bad idea. He clapped his hands and forced on a smile as he desperately took a hard one-eighty-degree turn. "So, how about we get a game set up? Uncle Ford, you want to be dungeonmaster?"

"Wait a sec!" His sister could see right through him. Mabel was like a bloodhound when it came to sensing secrets. "You're holding out on us, bro-bro. What else happened that night?"

"Nothing!" He reluctantly blurted back. Wendy however was more forthcoming.

"Honestly? We don't actually remember a lot after that." She admitted with a chuckle. "It seriously just became a huge blur."

"Wait, so then how do you know things got out of hand?" Ford asked. Wendy's blush deepened.

"Because we kind of-"

"Wendy, no." Dipper interrupted.

"Because we-"

"Wendy, no!"

"We ended up with-" Her increasingly desperate husband shoved his hand over her mouth.

"It was nothing!" He started lying blatantly to the others. "Seriously, just forget we said anything! Let's just play, okay? Please?"

Unfortunately for him, Wendy was able to fight his noodles arms off with speedy ease. "Because we ended up with a little souvenir from that night."

Ford's wrinkled face crumpled immediately after he pieced all the clues together. "Oh, for God's sake! From the game?"

A beet-red Dipper let his head thud against the kitchen table, and Wendy erupted with a fountain of embarrassed laughter. Mabel kept looking curiously around the room from family member to family member. She still didn't understand.

"What kind of souvenir?" Demanded the impatient brunette. "Hey! What souvenir?"

The blushing Wendy sniggered. "You're holding her right now."

"Huh?" Mabel glanced down at the sleeping baby lying in her arms. When it all clicked, a wave of revulsion washed over her.

"...Ewwwwwwww. Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew! Ewewewew!" She responded appropriately. "Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!"

"Okay, we get it." Ford now had no qualms about shuffling off to put the game away. Mabel meanwhile continued to fill the entire Shack with her revolted squeaks.

"Oh, ew! Gross, gross! Oohhhhh, gross! You guys made the game gross forever! Ewwww! Ewwwww!"

"Sorry." Dipper muffled apologetically into the table. His sister let out a squeak as another awful realization settled on her.

"Ohhh! No!" She immediately clutched the baby closer and lamented dramatically. "Phoebe! Oh no, you poor thing! Aunt Maymay's poor, poor little Phoebe. Your parents never gave you a chance! Destined to be a little nerd, right from the start!"

"Yup." Wendy smiled lovingly at her baby daughter. "Mama's little dork…"

* * *

Gonna up the whole story collection's rating to a T, juuuuust in case. - **SGA**


	38. Gone Baby Gone - Part 1

This weirdness-packed two-parter comes to you all courtesy of a suggestion from Karts of Sugar Rush. Thanks for the wonderfully odd idea! - **SGA**

* * *

"...This is the life, huh cutie?" Wendy sighed as a fresh summer breeze wafted by. The dozy little lump in her arms let out a squeaky yawn as both mother and daughter lazed to their hearts' content.

The young man who came outside to join them was a different story. Dipper was quite visibly anxious as he cleared his throat. "Uh….Wendy?"

"Hey doofus." She cracked open one eye and smiled..

"So….Mabel said you were up here, and…." He scratched the back of his neck before he broke it gently. "I'm uh...I'll be honest, kind of a little uncomfortable with all this right now."

"With what? Catchin' some rays?" She playfully and deliberately ignored the fact that they were currently on her old rooftop hideout atop of the Mystery Shack's roof. The mere sight of their daughter up this high made Dipper squirm.

"Can you take her down? Please?" He made an blunt plea. "Wendy, she's only three months old."

"Fine." Wendy peeled herself up from the deckchair, and after strapping their baby daughter into a harness against her chest she shot her husband a wicked grin. Dipper read the twinkle in her eyes loud and clear, and he knew exactly what was coming next.

"Please don't tell me you're-"

"See you down below!" She fearlessly leapt off and effortlessly rode the nearest evergreen down to the ground. Fueled by the power of fatherly fear, a panting Dipper joined them mere seconds later after climbing down into the gift shop in record time.

"I'm not comfortable with _THAT_ either!" He gasped crossly.

"What? She's fine." Wendy shrugged it off True to her word, Phoebe didn't seem fazed in the slightest. In fact, at the moment the infant was barely keeping her eyes open. "Oooh, it looks like someone's ready to zonk on out, actually."

"W-why….just why?" Dipper could only wheeze as he clutched his cramping stomach. His wife ruffled his hair.

"Okay, okay, relax. Look, I'll put her down for her nap." Her husband glared warily at her until she burst out laughing and specified, "In her crib! I'm putting her down in her crib. Chill!"

Soon the baby was tucked away and sleeping soundly, but the point of contention was far from over. As the couple helped throw lunch together in the kitchen, Dipper re-summarized his feelings on the matter.

"...I mean, when I watch you take her up to places like that, I just really, really can't help but…." As he spoke, Wendy didn't stop chuckling for even for a moment. Finally he stopped and sighed. "What's so funny?"

"Dude, what do you think?" She snickered. "I mean, after all the stuff you've seen and done, you're seriously going to freak out like this whenever Phoebe and I try and have some Roof Time?"

"Well...yeah, how can I not?" He argued back. "You've taking our baby on top of a building!"

"My dad took me up into my first tree when I was only two weeks old. Babies can be wayyyy tougher than you think." She countered back. "Relax, it's totally fine."

"Aren't you the one who wants to do things differently from her family?" He countered back.

"Hey, for your information I'm doing amazing on that front. You know how many times Grandpa Corduroy's bugged me to let him take her on her first hunting trip? It's been a lot."

"If hunting trips are off the table, I just don't see why we can't do the safe with taking her up on top of tall places." The neurotic father pressed. "All I'm asking is that we try and be a little careful with her. Please?"

"Woo-woo!" Now that she had finished up the chicken salad, Mabel tugged an imaginary whistle and joined in on the conversation. "All aboard the Worry Express for a non-stop trip to Paranoia-Town! Population: this guy right here!"

"You're not helping right now." Her twin grumbled.

"Speak for yourself." Wendy bumped fists with her sister-in-law. "Boosh!"

"I got your back, Wen-Wen!" The brunette whooped.

The debate was brought to an end by a pair of three-year-olds who entered the kitchen, bringing along their own argument in tow.

"Yeah some of them do!" Finn snapped defiantly at his twin sister. "They hafta!"

"Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh!" Gladys squeaked back. "That's not howit woks!"

"But you sawit! You just sawit!"

"But it's not howit woks! Mommy told us!"

"You sawit right now!"

"Whhhooaaa, time-out!" Mabel whistled sharply before taking a knee on the floor with her children. "Now what's all the fuss about?"

"Where do babies come from?" Her son flatly demanded. There was a pause as the adults looked to one another, followed by snorting laughter all around. Even Dipper got in a few chuckles at their ridiculous debate.

"From mommies, silly!" Mabel booped her son's nose. She paused, then thoughtfully added, "And sometimes other places like adoption. But usually a mommy!"

"Yeah, how can you forget already?" Wendy sniggered as she joined them. The lanky woman grabbed her flannel shirt and stretched it in front as far as she could. "You spent most of last year watching your cousin grow inside me. Remember how big and weird my stomach got?"

"Yeah!" Gladys pretended to puff up. "Lika big ball!"

"What about storks?" Finn pried hopefully. "Do they bring babies sometimes?"

"Nooo, that's just a story some parents tell their own sweeties. Babies come from inside tummies. Including you!" Mabel whipped out her phone and in no time she found an old picture from her own pregnancy "See? That's you two hanging out inside me. You crazies, I've told you all this before!"

"See?" Gladys boasted to her twin. Finn crossed his little arms and huffed.

"But the TV said there's storks!"

"Like a cartoon, or something?" Dipper guessed.

"No!" The little boy beckoned them towards the den. The curiously adults followed. There they found Stan and Soos puzzling grimly over a breaking news report.

"Uh, you guys might wanna see this." The old man nodded.

"...Local experts are completely baffled. No one has put forth any theory on what is the driving force behind the rash kidnappings." As a grim-faced anchorman spoke, the special report cut to a shocking piece of amateur video taken right on Gravity Falls' main street. Despite the shaky quality, they could clearly see two parents trying their best to fend off an enormous lanky bird. Suddenly the animal took off into the sky with a wrapped bundle hanging securely in its enormous beak, looking for all the world like a scene from a storybook. Meanwhile back on the ground the mother and father were now panicking over an empty stroller.

"Wait...wait what?" Dipper rubbed his eyes. "What?"

"Did...did the bird just…." Mabel stammered. "Whoa, whoa, hold the phone here!"

"There have now been a total fifth stork-related kidnapping within the last twenty-four hours. In an emergency press conference, the mayor is strongly encouraging all parents of children six months and younger to evacuate the area for safety. In the meantime, he vows that whoever is behind this will face swift justice."

"We're gonna git 'em!" The mayor vowed in a brief clip. "You hear me? Git 'em! Giiiit 'eeeeem!"

As the dumbfounded group watched on, a very puzzled Soos broke the silence. "So it is just me or do those storks like, totally have the whole thing backwards?"

Wendy had gone ashen-faced. With an anxious gasp she turned and bolted. During summer visits, Soos's breakroom always became her and Dipper's room, and that's where she sprinted. Soon a horrified scream was ripping from her throat and echoing all throughout the Shack.

"What?" Dipper rushed in. Wendy kept screaming like a wounded animal as she pointed to the empty crib. Heart dropped straight into the pit of his stomach. "No….n-no! NO!"

As the parents reeled with horror, the others rushed in and gazed upon the terrifying sight for themselves. Thankfully in the scramble that followed the family was able to find two telltale clues; an opened window and a few white feathers scattered on the floor. Unfortunately it looked like the kidnapper was long gone.

"We're coming, Phoebe-Phoebs!" Mabel had almost crawled halfway out the window before her brother stopped her. Despite the panic that was currently trying to consume him, he was still able to think clearly enough to recognize an obvious problem.

"We have no idea where it took her!"

"So? Then we just get in the car and drive around!" Wendy said impatiently. "This isn't hard!"

"No, wait!" Mabel got an idea. "We dress up Waddles like a baby, leave him outside and then…."

"No, no." Soos added to the clamor. "Okay, hear me out, dudes. Man-baby. I throw on a diaper, a bonnet, and wait for them to come get me. Then after they like, pull a muscle, we interrogate them and stuff…."

"No." Stan grimaced at the image that had just been burned into his brain. "No Soos. Just no."

"What's going on here?" There were now two old men in the room. Ford had come tearing up from his underground lab so fast that his old knees were burning from the run.

"Phoebe! They took her!" Dipper sputtered. "A stork! A stork came and...and took her! It just took her!"

"A what?" This was bizarre even by his family's loose standards of normality.

"Yeah, the news said that they've been snatching babies all over town!" Mabel explained as she jabbed a finger out the window. "Actual storks, just swooping in and taking them away! And one was just here and took our Phoebe!"

"Huh." He scratched his chin. "That's...that's a new one all right. Strange….storks aren't even native to the state."

"No, they're not." Wendy realized, and now bewilderment began mixing into her panic. "What is even going on here?!"

"Sounds like someone's up to...I don't actually know what. But it's definitely something. We'll find out soon enough. Follow me!"

"Do you have any idea how to find where they took her?" Dipper asked hopefully as they followed him down through the secret vending machine door and beneath the Shack. Ford scoffed as he sat down in front of one of the several computer monitors dotting the cramped workspace.

"Easy!" He sat down in front of one of several computer monitors. "All we have to do is track her signal."

"Her...her signal?" Wendy asked. "What?"

"Through her tracking device." The scientist said very matter of factly. The parents were both relieved and a little alarmed.

"Wait, you...you track Phoebe?" Dipper said incredulously.

"I never told you?" Ford sounded genuinely surprised. For a moment everyone stared silently at him.

"I'm pretty sure that we would have remembered that." His great-nephew finally replied.

"...Oh." He looked rightfully embarrassed. "Uh, must have slipped my mind."

"You've never tried tracking _my_ babies." Mabel couldn't help but be a little jealous.

"No, no, I track all the kids." He reassured her. "Or at least I've tried with yours. Finn and Gladys always ended up finding the devices and taking them right off as soon as they learned to grab."

"Oh. Oh that makes sense!" She immediately felt much better. "Yeah, I bet if something all blinky was stuck on them then they'd want to-"

"Phoebe? Please?" Dipper testily reminded through tightly gritted teeth.

"Oooh, right!" His sister nodded. "Where's our Phoebe?"

"Okay, just give me a few seconds….getting a read on her signal now….." A map of the area appeared on the largest monitor, and everyone's eyes immediately went to the sole blinking red dot. The tension was absolutely excruciating as they all waited with bated breath. Thankfully it looked like the dot wasn't moving anywhere.

"There!" Mabel cheered. "That's where they took her!"

"Okay!" Dipper didn't waste a moment. "Wendy, Mabel, suit up. Soos, get the truck!"

"On it, dude!" The chubby man saluted.

"You won't find her without this." Ford grabbed his tracking equipment. "I'm coming too."

Of course, this wasn't the first kidnapping that the Pines family had ever experienced. Or the second. Or even their third or fourth for that matter. Mabel's kids alone had been nabbed on two different occasions before they were even a year old. This didn't exactly make it that much less frightening every time someone in their clan was snatched up, but at least it gave them a routine that they could all leap right into.

So even as her gut twisted itself into knots with panic, Wendy got to work loading herself up like she always did. As she grabbed her climbing spikes, rope, a large hunting knife that had been a wedding present from her father, and two freshly sharpened hatchets, across the room Dipper as usual was turning himself into a walking anti-paranormal armory.

"Garlic….First-Aid kit….necromancy-detecting talisman….holy water…."The young man searched through his things "Hey, have you seen my-"

"Here." As she passed him his wooden stake, Wendy could feel his hands tremble.

"Sorry." He knew that his obvious anxious wasn't helping either of them. "I can't stop thinking how….she probably has no idea what's going on, all she knows is we're not there and...oh God, some bird just came in, picked her up and carried her for miles. Miles! Just dangling from its beak!"

"She'll be fine….She has to be fine." Wendy shut her eyes and took a deep breath. "Babies are tougher than we think. She'll be fine."

It was hard to tell which one of them she was reminding. The worried mother definitely wasn't speaking with the same cool confidence she had earlier.

"Yeah, that's just the way it works in this family. People get taken now and then, but we always get them back. Always! Right? I mean, it's not like this time won't be the exception or anything, right? Right? No, it can't be. It shouldn't be…." Dipper had talked himself halfway to a panic attack before she intervened.

"Dipper, don't." She said flatly. "I'm already like, five seconds away from losing my mind."

"Me too." he apologetically held out his arms. The two shared a quick embrace. After drawing a little scrap of much-needed strength from one another, the two parents shared determined nods. Fear be damned, they were getting their little girl back soon, come hell or high water. Together they charged outside to the waiting truck.

"Let's go!" Wendy cried impatiently.

"Just a sec!" Mabel was still lingering by the front door with her little ones. She turned back to her twins and slapped on a smile."It's gonna be fine. Don't worry, we'll have her back in just a jiff."

"We know." Stan pat her shoulder. This little bit of gruff reassurance brought a smile to her face.

"We'll call you when we get her back from whoever!" With this optimistic adieu, she jumped into the truck bed with a wild and ready whoop. "Okay people, let's do this! Mooooove out!"

The tiny twins waved furiously as the vehicle tore out with a squeal of tires and a cloud of dust.

"Bye! Bye bye!"

"Bing back Phoebe sooooon!"

After the intrepid band had driven out of sight Finn and Gladys both gazed up at their great great uncle. Both the tots had worry stamped all over their little faces. As the sole and trusted guardian for the next few hours, Stan knew how to responsibly handle this.

"All right!" He clapped his wrinkled hands. "Who wants to go watch something completely mindless on TV?"

"YAY!" The tykes cheered. The practical old man herded them off inside, taking care of course to lock the door tight behind him.

"And whoever helps me find something with lots of pointless violence too wins a cookie….ha! I'm kidding. Everyone's gettin' some cookies…."


	39. Gone Baby Gone - Part 2

As soon as the rescue team confirmed where the baby's signal was coming from, Mabel smartly called up a friend. Thirty minutes and one side trip later, the crew found themselves out at the town limits, carefully scouting out the Northwest Mud Flaps Factory from a safe distance.

"...So are you sure they took her here?" Asked a very concerned but also very confused Pacifica. The bemused heiress took another look through Dipper's binoculars.

"Positive." Ford confidently double-checked his tracker.

"Is there still anyone running this place, or what?" Dipper asked.

"No, literally no one should be here. My dad outsourced production ten years ago." She winced apologetically at the mention of one of the many dark stains on her family's legacy. "Uh, anyway, I've actually been trying to get this place torn down for a while now."

Ford took the binoculars and had a gander. "Looks like the top-floor windows have been replaced recently. Someone's definitely moved in."

"Huh? But….that's not right." Pacifica protested. "Last time I was here was like, at least six months ago, and there was nothing but some busted machines and-"

"Everybody down!" Dipper warned. The crew hit the ground just as a stork swooped overhead and into the building window. There wasn't a single doubt in anyone's minds now.

"Phoebe." Wendy whispered hopefully.

"Next week." Vowed Pacifica, looking aghast that a former property was being used for the world's strangest kidnapping ring. "I'm having this thing torn down next week."

Mabel gave her friend a couple reassuring pats on the back before asking her twin, "So what's the plan? Charge in, take no prisoners, save all the babies?"

"Not with those we're not." Ford pointed to the pair of storks that had just taken up posts on a second-floor ledge. The clearly well-trained birds kept their eyes peeled for trespassers.

"Storks." Dipper lamented. "Why? Seriously, just who and why?"

"I mean, if you're dealing with babies, it kinda makes sense." Mabel answered. "Still creepy though."

"Very." Dipper tried to ignore his many burning questions s he directed his mental energies elsewhere. He wanted his frightened baby back, and he wanted her back ten minutes ago. "Okay, so here's how we're going to get in. Soos, you stay here and provide a distraction. Ford and I will approach from the east of the building, and Mabel will-"

"Uh, dude?" Soos raised his hand. "So like, did Wendy already get this plan earlier or what?"

"What? No."

"Oh. Well then she's kind of missing out right now." The chubby man pointed down towards the factory.

A certain redheaded mother had crept away to take the initiative. They all watched as she easily scrambled up the side of the building. The guard-storks never even see her coming. She struck out with the butt of her hatchet, and two unconscious feathery heaps plopped down to the ground. Wendy slipped inside, and soon she was down at the rusted front doors impatiently waving everyone over.

"Uh….that works too." Dipper wasn't going to argue with results. "Okay, let's go."

"So do I just stay back here, or…." Pacifica didn't know where she played into this.

"Nope! Not when you're one of the team!" Mabel enthusiastically answered, much to friend's dismay. The brunette reached into the cab of Soos's truck and fetched a weapon for her. "Here you go!"

"I call it the Double-Header." Soos nodded proudly at the two baseballs bats duct-taped together.

"...Thanks?" She reluctantly followed them.

Everyone held their respective weapons at the ready as together they slowly scaled the stairs. The first floor was as Pacifica described; just a few pieces of broken machinery, and the second, third and fourth were no different. But as they neared the fifth and top floor, they could make out shrill whimpering, the clacking of beaks, and a single cooing voice.

"...Shhhh-sshhhhh, it's okay….don't you cry, honey, you're home now. You're home with Mommy….. shhhhhh…."

They peered into looked like a cross between an aviary and a daycare. There was brightly colored wallpaper, plush toys of all shapes and sizes on the carpeted floor floor, an enormous changing table next to a massive pyramid of clean diapers, and a flock's worth of massive nests. Everyone's attention was quickly drawn to on corner of the room. There, a figure hovered over several bassinets, lovingly obsessing over a half-dozen abducted babies.

"...Oooh, don't cry. Shhhh, don't cry. How about if Mommy sings you a song?" The skinny woman took a moment to smooth back her thick mule-grey hair before she broke out into gentle singsong. "Hush little baby, don't say a word….mama's gonna buy you a….."

No one had any idea who this person was, or what she was doing. But at least she was currently distracted, and for the moment that was all they needed. Ford slipped on one of his stun gloves. "Rush her?"

"Count of three." Dipper nodded. "One….two….THREE!"

The mysterious woman whirled around, whirled around, saw them speedily closing in on her and instinctively shrieked at the top of her lungs, "PROTECT ME!"

Storks suddenly seemed to pop up from everywhere as a small army had assembled. Obediently they all descended upon the rescue team in a flash-ambush, and soon the rescue team all lay helplessly pinned to the floor by several birds each.

"Who are you?" The woman stormed over and demanded.

"Who the hell are _you_?" Wendy bristled with fury. "Where's my baby?"

"The only babies you'll find here are all my children." She shot back defiantly. "Now, who do you people just think you are? Breaking into my home, attacking my family, acting like you…"

Mabel hadn't been able to stop staring at the woman's piercing blue eyes. There was something about them that sent a familiar shiver down her spine. Suddenly she remembered. She had definitely seen that face before. "Hold on! You're….you're _Gideon's_ mom, aren't you?"

Mrs. Gleeful stepped back with a start. Overdue recognition quickly set in. "Pines! Ooooh, if you think you're bringing any of your madness in here, you've got another thing coming! This is a safe place! A haven!"

"Bring our what? Okay, just what do you think you're doing?" Dipper demanded. It seemed some things ran in the Gleeful family, because without further encouragement she started monologuing.

"Something that should have been done long, long ago, that's what. Gravity Falls needs someone like me. The children need me. The horrible secrets of this town, they…." She shuddered. "I watched my boy grow up and get completely consumed by them. Just obsessing more and more, and more with every passing year until he had become a monster."

"Lady? Your kid was never a sweetheart." Wendy begged to differ.

"My son came out as pure as any child! It was the strange madness around this town that changed him! All the things that you people thrive on!" She accusingly pointed to them and sneered in disgust. Only a moment later she went back to sighing with pain. "But my Gideon….now, my Gideon spends his days in and out of prison, still obsessed…..always obsessing….not like yo don't know. You've all seen what he's become."

Mabel's heart went out to her. "Oh, you poor woman!"

"You can't even begin to imagine what I've had to endure. But…." She perked up. "After he went to jail the fourth time, it finally hit me. Yes, my boy might be lost….but that doesn't mean that other children can't be saved! And once I realized this, I knew my new purpose."

"You mean all this?" Ford asked with justified incredulity.

"Yes! It couldn't have been any clearer! It was up to me to go spend years and years training storks to help me save and protect the babies of Gravity Falls." She proudly declared.

"Taking babies with trained storks?" The old man repeated. "That was the most obvious answer?"

"Yes! They're absolutely perfect, aren't they?" She stroked the feather neck of one. "They can fly in and rescue the sweet little babies here with such ease. Now I can save all the little innocents before they get corrupted by this town."

"... Trained storks?" Ford asked again, just to make sure he was hearing her right. "Really?"

"Of course!"

For the next five seconds it was so deathly silent that they could hear an eyelash drop.

"Okay. Maaaaaybe you could have coped with this just a little bit better." Mabel tried to put it kindly.

"Y-you're..." Pacifica sputtered with horror. you're crazy!"

"Oh, am I?"

"...Kind of, yeah." Soos said meekly. "I mean, sounds like a pretty open and shut case to me."

"No….no she's not." Dipper's lone dissent took everyone by surprise. His eyes bugged wide with what appeared to be awe. "I...I-I think I get it."

"You do?" Mrs. Gleeful asked hopefully.

"Yeah...I do. I really think that I do!" A curious grin spread across his face. "When I think about all the, the….just all the insanity that this crazy town has thrown at me over the years….I mean, if it's not a monster, it's a ghost, a secret society, or mystery or something else that's popping or crawling or oozing out of nowhere. It never really ends, it's always something! Literally, there's always something to deal with! Sometimes I actually just need to sit back and seriously wonder; would I have been better off if I never had anything to do with Gravity Falls? Would I…."

"Dipper?" Wendy confusedly gawked, as did all the others. Her husband sounded like he had snapped.

"...Unfortunately it's waaaay too late for that. So now, not only do I have to just try and keep a little bit of sanity while weirdness assaults me every opportunity it gets, I have a baby daughter to worry about on top of all that! My own kid, getting exposed to all this craziness before she can even learn to sit up! But...but now….maybe…."

He let out a hoarse laugh. It was not a pleasant sound. "Yes! Somewhere safe for her!"

Mrs. Gleeful was so pleased with this new ally that she eagerly gestured for the storks to let him go. he continued his rambling as he rose to his feet.

"...Genius! It only sounds crazy because it's just so genius! To think, Phoebe could actually be protected from it all! A-and not just here! A whole entire generation, safe from everything crazy that…."

"Oh my God, he's lost it." Pacifica moaned in despair.

"I don't think so." Mabel disagreed with a knowing giggle.

"...I mean, I should be down on my knees right now thanking you! You're the parent that this town needs! You! It's you!" The young man continued to shower praise.

"You really mean it?" Mrs. Gleeful absolutely beside herself with joy.

"Of course-" The instant he got close enough, Dipper dropped the act.

"SAVE ME!" The betrayed woman let out a piercing shriek as he tackled her down to the floor. Literally every single stork immediately descended on her attacker at once.

"DIPPER!" Wendy screamed as she watched him vanish under a tidal wave of birds. Soon the young man was being pecked, buffeted, kicked, and stomped from every angle possible, and some that felt like they weren't. It hurt. A lot.

And he honestly couldn't have hoped for better results.

His gamble had paid off in spades. Not one stork had stayed behind with the other prisoners, leaving them free to throw themselves against the feathery horde in a fierce counterattack. Taken by surprise, birds began dropping like stones under the flat of Wendy's axe blade, Soos's meaty fists, and even Pacifica was getting some hits with the Double-Header.

"What is even happening right now?" She yelled while she reluctantly did battle.

"Just keep swinging until there's no more birds to swing at!" Mabel kicked one winged minion right in its legs.

"Finally something that makes sense!" The frustrated blonde bonked a bird. Nearby, Wendy finally managed to fish her husband free from the stork-pile.

"...Ouch." Dipper was battered, but still in one piece. He swayed drunkenly on his feet as Wendy protectively dealt out hard blows to every foe within arm's reach.

By now, already half the birds had either been knocked out or fled in fright. As she frantically backed away from the massive brawl, Mrs. Gleeful could see that it was only a matter of time until her forces were defeated.

"Save the children! Save the children!" She started crying. "Go! Take them and fly! Fly away from here, as fast as you can! Save the-"

"Excuse me." Ford breathlessly appeared beside her. Without further ado he clamped his glove over her shoulder. Instantly stunned, she collapsed to the floor

Many of the birds now seemed to sense that the jig was up, and joined their comrades in a retreat. A sizable number however heeded their master's final command and flapped towards the bassinets. Soos bravely blocked their way with his bulk.

"You want them? Then you have to get through me first!" The half-dozen diehards that dove at him immediately made him regret his words a little. "Help! HELP! They're trying to get through me!"

"Hang on, Mabel's coming!" The brunette's grappling honk beaned one bird, and fierce jabs from her knitting needles sent the rest retreating. She checked over the rescued babies, and one little freckled face immediately stood out.

"Yes! There you are!" From out of nowhere a particular determined stork swooped in, lifted the baby's blanket up in an improvised bundle and flapped off.

"PHOEBE!" Dipper gave chase and made a desperate leap, but unfortunately so did Mabel. The twins collided as the stork sailed out the window.

A scarlet and flannel blur dived out right after in close pursuit. The stork received the scare of its life when it felt Wendy snatch the bundle right from its beak in a falling midair dive. With the blood of her lumberjack family pumping in her veins, she landed herself safely in the top boughs of a springy evergreen that groaned under the force of her sudden weight.

"Gotcha-" Wendy's triumph was very short-lived. After bending as far as it could , the tree sprang back with a loud snap. Mother and child were catapulted right back through the same window that she had just dived out of, and the same one that her her panic-stricken husband just rushed up to. Dipper became a human landing pad as they both were sent skidding across the floor.

No sooner had they slid to a stop when the baby started wailing. Both battered parents forgot all about their freshest hurts as they frantically disentangled themselves and started checking their child.

"PHOEBE!" Mabel sprinted over. "Omigosh, is she okay? Is she?"

"Yeah….yeah, I think….hold on….is she…." A dumbfounded Dipper looked to his equally stunned wife. Their daughter wasn't in pain, frightened, or even rattled. Phoebe's cries were distinctly that of a very, very cranky little baby whose afternoon nap had ended a little too suddenly for her like.

"Did you seriously just wake up?" Wendy laughed in amazement. The baby grizzled grumpily at her mother.

"H-how?" Dipper gasped. This was not the traumatized infant that he had been expecting. "How did…seriously? You slept through _all_ of that? You got taken from your bed!You were carried in the air! For miles! Miles!"

"You ask me, doesn't really look like heights bother her all that much, huh?" Wendy allowed herself this little boast, plus a proud grin. As the relieved parents collapsed against one another, Mabel flashed a thumbs-up to the rest of the clan.

"Our little lady's A-OK!" She whooped. "We're good over here!"

"So are we!" As bruised and dazed storks continued to flee the scene, Soos tenderly comforted the other babies. "It's okay, you'll be back with your folks soon. Shhhh…"

"Why are….uh…." A very bemused Pacifica gawked as the teddy bear of a man held several of them up against his gut.

"It's okay, I'm just soothing all the little dudes. See, my stomach totally sounds like a singing whale when I get hungry." He laughed. "Good thing all this went down before I ate lunch, huh?"

"Um…..okay." The exhausted woman decided to just focus on the two-month old little boy she had taken into her arms. As she rocked him, the infant raised his eyes and gave her a tired snuffle.

"I know what you mean." Pacifica murmured. "I think I'm totally done with today too."

"You….you don't know what you're doing!" Mrs. Gleeful stirred with a moan. "I-I'm saving them….I'm saving th-these babies...and soon….soon I'll be able to save all of the babies...you'll see…"

"Anyone mind?" Ford's glove sparked as he turned it back on.

"No." Everyone replied in unison. A satisfied smile swept across his wrinkled face after he stunned her again.

"Good. Me neither."

Once the authorities were called up, a mere twenty minutes was all it took until the the old factory was swarming with first responders and the media.

"...A crisis has ended almost as swiftly as it began. All that missing children have been located and are in the process of returning to their families, thanks to the efforts of-" A local reporter was interrupted by the victorious brunette strolling into the background gabbing away on her phone.

"….yeah, she's just fine! You'll see your cousin again soon-" Mabel lit up with a squeal once she noticed she was on live news. "Ooooohh! Ooooh, turn on the TV! Turn it on! Any local channel, hurry! You see me? You guys see Mommy? Haha, yeah! Look, I'm waving!"

"Hey, what are you-" The poor reporter was suddenly mobbed on both sides as Soos thrust himself in.

"Melody!" He yelled excitedly into his phone. "Go to channel three, now! Check it out!"

As those two hogged the media spotlight, Dipper and Wendy sat a little ways away from all the madness on the back of a fire truck.

"Wait, where'd you get a bottle?" Dipper realized something as he watched the baby down some formula in her mother's arms. "Did we bring that?"

"Nah. She was super stocked up on formula." Wendy nodded to the rambling woman currently being escorted away by a few gentle-spoken staff from the county mental hospital, where she'd hopefully get some long, long overdue professional help.

"So…." As they turned their attention back to their daughter, Dipper decided now was as good a time as any for an apology. "Uh...I'm sorry about earlier."

"Huh?" She shot him a curious glance. "Sorry? About what?"

"You know, my whole freakout. I think I need to be a little more grateful that you're doing a pretty good job...well…." He nodded to their unfazed daughter. "Teaching her not to be afraid. I mean, let's be honest, that's going to come in handy for this family."

"Know what? You do that, and I'll try to be more thankful her dad's always doing what it takes to make sure she's okay ." She thoughtfully replied, followed by a grin. "That was a nice show you put on back there."

He rubbed the back of his neck and forced out an embarrassed chuckle. "That? That was pretty much pure desperation more than anything."

"Hey, she bought it. And now the Academy Award for best supporting actor goes to…." She planted a loving peck on his birthmarked forehead. The little moment immediately roused a squeal from nearby.

"Sorry!" Mabel apologized from only five feet away. "I'm just a sucker for romance! Also, 'scuse me!"

"Hey!" Her twin protested as Phoebe was abruptly snatched away for the second time that day.

"Just wanna pop her in front of the cameras! Y'know, to show everyone at the Shack how she's doing!" She grinned adoringly at her niece. "Who's happy to see her little sweetiekins again? Your Aunt Maymay is, that's who! Yes she is! Oooh, yes she is!"

Wendy gave her husband a gentle push as they watched the brunette bounce back to the media crews. "Dude, relax. You know there was totally no stopping her."

"Yeah, I know." He wearily agreed. "And probably better her than another stupid bird…."

* * *

The weather the next day was nothing short of spectacular. Not too hot, with bright fluffy clouds providing the occasional burst of cooling shade from the sunny skies above. In other words, it was perfect lounging weather, and one particular little family was taking full advantage of it.

"How you doing?" Wendy stretched out in her chair.

"Pretty good, actually." Dipper chuckled, and immediately winced. He was still pretty sore from the day before, but such was to be expected after being mobbed by storks.

"See? Nothing you haven't done a million times before. Just regular old roof-time." She beamed down at the baby napping on her chest. "Only now we have someone cute to hang out with up here."

"Uh-huh. Definitely nothing to freak out about." He agreed. They spent the next few minutes happily basking in peace, listening to Mabel kicking around a ball with her children and pig down below.

"So, you're fine?" Wendy thoughtfully double-checked.

"Positive."

Just to make sure, she reached over and felt one of his noodle arms. The nervous tension was most definitely noticeable. Dipper's face went red.

"...Maybe not totally positive."

"Alright, doofus. Just three more minutes and then we take her back down. Deal?" She could see the immediate relief wash over him.

"Deal. And that'll give me a grand total of….uh…." Dipper wasn't very pleased with what he found after he checked the time. "Eight minutes total up here with the baby. Uh...wow….woooow, could've sworn that was a lot longer "

As she chuckled loud enough for the whole Shack to hear, Wendy took his hand and squeezed encouragingly. "We'll try for a full ten tomorrow…."


	40. That's Not Right

The little yellow one-story house had sat unsold on the street for years. Absolutely no prospective homebuyers wanted to go for a place that was rumored to be haunted, until a pregnant Mabel Pines came along. She had two babies on the way, an immediate need for more living space and no fear whatsoever of spirits, though not at all for the reasons that the then-desperate realtors assumed. By then the house was selling such a pittance that it was shockingly easy pickings even for her art teacher's salary. All it needed was a quick exorcism ritual and she was all set.

But just like a hole in the wall attracts mice, it was really only a matter of time before the otherworldly energy around the little property eventually attracted some unwanted houseguests. A few years passed until one night Mabel was rudely woken up by eerie wailing echoing throughout her home. And as a mother, she certainly couldn't have that kind of racket around keeping her kids from a good night's sleep. The very next day found the woman and her twin hard at work placing a mix of charms, talismans, and icons in various nooks and crannies. Her meanwhile children busied themselves regaling their aunt and Phoebe.

"...And then we heard a sound just like this! Oooohhh-woooooo!" Finn waved his fingers and pretended to float around the living room with an eerie moan. "Woke us right up!"

"No, it was like this! Oooooooohh-whooooaaaaaaah!" Gladys gave her own take on it, and immediately followed up with a reassuring smile for her baby cousin. "It's okay, weah not weal ghosts!"

"Could have fooled us." Wendy chuckled.

"Bye-bye, protector friend!" Mabel finishing bidding farewell to a picture of a dour-looking saint before tucking it behind a framed wall photo. "Hey bro-bro, you think we should put up any more?"

"Nah." Dipper decided as he shoved a Buddhist amulet under the rug. "I think twenty should be more than enough to keep anyone new out. Now we just need to deal with whoever's in here."

"All right! Mystery Twins a-go!" She dug out two small vials of holy water from her sweater pocket and passed one to him. "Probably just a category 1, right?"

"Oh yeah, positive." He nodded. "No way it's anything more than-"

A disembodied suddenly shriek rent the air. The Pines of course were unfazed.

"Someone's freaked out." Wendy cooley observed.

"He knows we're onto him now. It's all for show." Dipper looked up and scoffed. "Yeah, we know you're here! You want to scare us off? You'll have to do better than that!"

Egged on by his taunts, the specter materialized right there in the room with a wail. Mabel uncorked her bottle and tried to splash it.

"Darn it!" She missed. "Stand still!"

"It's okay, I got-" Dipper's bottle slipped out of his sweaty hands. It sailed through the air and struck the ghost square on the head, sending it dropping to the floor.

Now a shapeless white lump was sprawled on Mabel's carpet, lying so deathly still that it might as well have been a misshapen beanbag. Together everyone blinked incredulously at the spectacle. This was definitely a first.

"Did it get sleepy?" Finn squeaked.

"Ghost nap!" Gladys concluded with a cheer.

"Uuhhhh…..hey, you know what? I think Waddles needs to be let out! Could you help our piggy go potty?" Mabel fibbed, even though said pig was peacefully napping. Her twins woke up and herded their confused pet out into the back yard, leaving the confused adults alone to figure out what had just happened.

"Okay so did you just….knock it out?" Wendy asked her befuddled-looking husband.

"It looks like it, but...wait, no. No, I couldn't have." He shook his head. "That...that can't be right. That doesn't even make any sense. How do you knock out a ghost? How do you even hit a ghost?"

"Looks like you found a way." She shrugged.

"Here, let Mabel have an official looksee!" Mabel dashed in and out of the kitchen. Now properly outfitted with a pair of blue rubber gloves, carefully lay a trash bag on the floor and gently rolled the specter over it. "Easy….easy…..easy..."

Like other category 1 spirits, the face was nothing more than two hole-like eyes and an even larger hole for a mouth, which limply hung open. After handling it it with such precise care, Mabel produced a knitting needle started irreverently prodding it all over.

"Poke! Poke!"

"Hey! What are you….?!" Dipper yelled. "Mabel!"

"What? I'm just investigating!" She chirped back. "Poke!"

"Don't do that!"

"If you can think of a better way to do an examination, then I'd like to hear it! Poke!"

"I-"

"Poke!"

"I can think of a couple other ways, actually!"

While the twins argued, Wendy was the first to notice that all the rough jabbing was having no effect whatsoever, leading to a very unpleasant realization.

"Guys?" She interrupted the siblings. "I...I changed my mind. I don't think Dipper knocked it out."

"Really?" That was an immediate load off her husband's mind. "So what do you-"

"I think you killed it." The young woman flatly gave her verdict.

Silence cloaked the room for the next ten seconds or so untilDipper deadpanned. "...I what?"

"I think you killed it." She repeated.

"I'll be the judge of that!" Mabel prodded it several more times before ripping off the gloves with a rubbery snap. "Yup! Definitely dead!"

Mabel then took a moment to actually consider about what she said. Her arms flopped down to her sides like a pair of wet noodles as bafflement swamped her. "Wait….waaaaaiiit a second…..wait, no. No, that's...wait…..it's already a….waaaiiiittt just a second here…."

"No. No, there's no way. There's now way. There's no way. There's no way that I…." This contracted literally everything Dipper knew about the paranormal, yet the completely motionless thing lying before them spoke for itself. It was all so painfully confusing. "That….that doesn't make any sense!"

"I know, but just look at it. We have a body lying right here on the….wait, is it even….." Wendy give it an experimental kick. "Whoaa. Weird. It's like, solid."

"No way." Dipper refused.

Mabel reached out for a poke with her bare finger, and the others could all clearly see it ripple gelatinously beneath her touch. "Uugh! It's like if fluffernutter and wet laundry had a baby."

She flattened her palm against it with an audible squish. "The worst baby."

"But...wait, ghosts aren't supposed to feel like anything. You're not even supposed to be able to touch them. Maybe you feel a chill when they pass through you, but not whatever….eeeuuuggghh." He shuddered as he gave it a try himself. "Oh my God, what IS this?"

"Gross. That's what." Mabel made a face.

"It's not just gross, it's impossible." Her brother furiously scrubbed his hands on his jeans. "None of this should be happening right now. We shouldn't be touching any body. Spirits don't die from anything. They're not even alive anymore. I mean, that's literally their entire point."

"Look at this thing, dude." Wendy gave it another kick. "It's dead. I don't know how, and I'm not saying that it makes any sense at all, but this thing is like, definitely dead."

"But ghosts can't be killed! They're _GHOSTS_!" He raised his voice defiantly. He had now officially gone from confused to outraged. "You can't kill a ghost because it's already a ghost! That's just the way it should work! And this isn't even a logic thing, either. Just think, how many spirits have we handled before without this happening? Look, even I was a spirit once-"

"Twice." Mabel corrected, then thought it over again. "No, wait was that…..no just one for me, you were definitely twice. Ohhh, wait no, three times!"

"Yeah, thanks." He sighed. "Anyway-"

"I still don't get how you let Bill take your body that second time." His sister announced out loud.

"I told you, he used a lot of double negatives! It was confusing!" he shot back testily. "ANYWAY, I remember pretty clearly that every time, no one could hit me with anything. Ghosts have rules!"

"So then why is this one dead?" Mabel wondered. Dipper gave it everything he had, and nearly blew a mental fuse before he finally gave up.

"...I have no idea."

Another long silence descended upon them all as the mystified family mulled together. Every single one dug back into their memories of past adventures for anything that could help make sense of what they were looking at. For once it looked like the mystery solving clan was stumped.

"What is your problem?!" Dipper gave the body a frustrated shove. Of course, the inexplicably lifeless specter didn't answer. It just continued to lie there like a discarded Halloween decoration.

"Sooo…..who wants to go stare at a wall and rethink everything, ever?" Wendy asked.

"Oooh! Oooh! Ooooooh!" Mabel clapped her hands and sprang to her feet. "Wait, I got it! What are we doing just freaking out here like a bunch of crazies?"

"Because this is pretty freakout-worthy?" Dipper answered.

"You forget, we can still call the super-professional himself!" She excitedly hopped off and quickly returned with her tablet. A minute later a familiar wrinkled face popped up on video chat.

"Hello?" Stanford Pines straightened his glasses as he peered out from his end of the call.

"Heeey, Great Uncle Ford!" She trilled sweetly. "Where are you now? The bunker or below the Shack?"

"I'm at the college today, actually." The head of the science department of Gravity Falls Community College motioned to the messy chaos behind him. They could see a scribble-filled blackboard and a half-finished device of some kind.

"How can you even tell anymore?" Mabel affectionately teased.

"I know." he chuckled. "They're all pretty overdue for a clean-up."

"Uh, Mabel?" Dipper impatiently interrupted the smalltalk.

"Ooooh, right! Hey, could you look at something for us?"

"What on earth did you make for the kids this time?" He laughed. It was only then that adults finally noticed that the little twins had returned inside.

"Ooohh, squishy!" Finn prodded and poked away at the spectral corpse.

"Boing!" Gladys jumped on the surprisingly bouncy body. "Boing! Boing!"

"Whooaa, no! Nope! Sorry guys, not for playing." As Wendy herded them off, Phoebe managed to get a little fist wrapped around the tapered tail. Her mother was able to take it away before she could shove it in her mouth. "And definitely not for eating."

She then stopped Waddles IV right before he took a curious nibble. "Nuh-uh, I said NOT for eating."

"What in the world…." Ford was now able to take a good look as Mabel positioned the tablet closer above the body. The supernatural expert extraordinaire went dead silent.

"Uh….Grunkle Ford? You have any idea how a ghost can can d-i-e?" Dipper spelled out for the children's sake.

"That's….that's uh...uh, a very good question." He stroked his bristly chin. "A very good question indeed."

Thirty seconds passed as he thought it over long and hard. Finally he suggested, "...Well...have you poked it yet?"

"What? Seriously?!" Dipper snapped.

"You bet we did!" Mabel picked up her needle and prodded the body several times in a row. "Poke! See? Nothing!"

"Poke!" Gladys got in a jab for herself, and her brother followed her example.

"Pooooke!"

"Sorry hun-bun." Mabel herded her daughter back. Both of her children pouted until she relented. "Okay, just one more each!"

"No! No more!" Dipper blocked both his niece and nephew with a skinny arm. He turned back to his great-uncle for answers. "Okay, look, we poked the stupid thing. Any ideas now?"

Stanford was clearly at a total loss. "Actually...could you try and poke it a little harder?"

"You're kidding." He groaned. "Please tell me you're just kidding."

"You'd actually be surprised how often that's helped."

The conversation was suddenly and spectacularly interrupted. Right before everyone's eyes the spectral corpse gave up its own ghost. It shot up straight into the air and started whirling about the room, moaning eerily like it had never been interrupted at all by its own demise. "Whhhoooooo-ooooo! Whooooaaaaahhhhaa-"

As soon as he spotted his own body he immediately put a stop to the spooky routine. All Pines wordlessly watched as he floated down to examine his remains. "Huh…..that's…hhhmmmm…..weird."

"Uh, excuse me? Hello?" Mabel raised a hand and politely got the spirit's attention. "Hi there! Quick question! Is that you?"

"Yeah, I guess so." The ghost of a ghost muttered incredulously. "Huh."

"Any idea how that happened?" She chirped. The puzzled spirit blushed beet-red.

"IIIIII….kinda was about to ask you guys that." He confessed.

"Oh." Mabel leaned over to Wendy and whispered, "Awkwaaaaaard."

Gingerly the ghost scooped up his former body. "Uh….if you don't mind, I think I'm done here. I uh….I really need to go look into some things."

"Oh! Okay!" She kindly replied. "That's fine I kinda need my house back anyway. You know, for living in, and raising my family and all that."

"Yeah, sorry about all that earlier stuff….looks like this was a bad call on my part." After making his bashful apology, he hefted himself up with a grunt and floated off through the ceiling, leaving a pack of perfectly puzzled Pines behind in his wake.

"So what just happened?" Wendy asked.

"That…..that was….." Stanford started stuttering.

"Grunkle Ford?" Mabel asked.

"...That….that was _incredible_!" Suddenly he was rushing in and out of camera-shot as he excitedly dashed all around his office, taking rough notes one second and referencing one of his old journals the next.

"Grunkle Ford?" Mabel tried getting his attention. "Grunkle Forrrrrd!"

"Incredible! Just…" He was talking so fast that they could barely understand him. "In all my years, I've frankly never seen anything like it before. It's...it's beyond incredible! It's barely believable! Flying right in the face of everything that I've ever documented…..to think, we could very well be on the verge of a discovery the likes of which could change everything that we know about the afterlife-"

The scientist was interrupted by a strangled cry from outside, followed by two thuds. The curious clan rushed outside to meet a strange sight. Lying on the lawn were now two ghost corpses, one white and clean and the other charred and smoking. The freshly fried body needed only a few seconds before it gave up a ghost of its own, and a very exasperated-looking one at that.

"Sorry! Hit an electric wire." He gazed unhappily over his spectral remains. "Awww, shoot…"

"Okay, new idea." Dipper suggested to the rest of the family. "How about we all agree that this one guy just has some serious issues?"

Together the assorted Pines watched the unfortunate ghost of a ghost of a ghost try to float off, only to accidentally get the electrified "body" wedged in the fork of a tree branch. The pathetic spirit groaned as he struggled to pull himself free.

"Well," Wendy spoke up. "I know which theory is definitely getting my vote…."


	41. So That's What Happened to Them

Here's a little something coming to you all special courtesy of a suggestion by Kraven the Hunter. Thanks so much for the idea!

* * *

It all started when a particularly colorful butterfly fluttered by the Mystery Shack's back porch. The gorgeous insect went unnoticed by all the chattering adults lounging in the late-afternoon sun. But Finn and Gladys Pines of course immediately forgot all about their game of pig-tag with Waddles IV and chased after it.

Fueled by the boundless energy they had inherited from their mother, the little twins didn't let anything stand in their way as they trailed after their quarry. They climbed over rocks, splashed through streams, crawled under bushes, until the butterfly finally flapped up into the trees and out of sight. The giggly three-year-olds needed a minute to recover from the wonderfully epic chase. But once they caught their breaths, they finally realized how far they had strayed.

"Where's the Shack?" Finn chirped confusedly. His sister fidgeted with one of her springy star antennae as she looked all around. It was literally nothing but towering trees far as the eye could see.

"I dunno…..um….ummmmm…..that way?" She guessed.

"Okay!" The two trooped on off. But ten minutes later, nothing seemed any more familiar.

"Maybeeeeee….maybeeeeee….." The little boy scanned their surroundings. "Maybe that way?"

"Yeah!" His sister enthusiastically agreed. They'd been in these woods probably a hundred times before, and they always ended up back at the Shack. Who said that this time wouldn't turn out any differently?

It wasn't too long until they realized that there was a big difference between going into the forest on your own and going into the forest with a mother and uncle who'd been exploring them long since before you were even alive.

"Wheh's the Shack?" Gladys squeaked. "Where's Mommy?"

"It's okay! We just...we just gotta keep looking!" Finn picked a fresh direction and trekked off. The little boy's optimism still soared high. His twin's however started to flag the longer they walked without coming across even a single recognizable landmark. She gazed around the thick forest, whimpered and began following her brother so closely that she was practically stepping on top of his his heels.

A nearby shrub rustled. She went rigid and shrieked to the high heavens. Spooked out of its mind and now half-deafened by her cry, a rabbit shot out and bolted for its life. Her brother spun around with a mighty start. "What? What isit?"

"It….it…." She panted for breath before confessing, "It was justa bunny."

"It's okay." He smiled. "There's not a lotta bad things here. There's lot's of good things too. 'Member? Mommy always says there's lots of friends hiding around here."

"Yeah...yeah!" She remembered the visit they took to the Multi-Bear's cave. "Like the Super-Teddy!"

"Uh-huh!" He nodded encouragingly. "See?"

"Yeah!" She squeaked excitedly. Gladys only had to give it a little more thought before her smile started to falter. "But….Uncah Dippeh said gemloblins also live out heah."

"Oh yeah….and the unicorns." They had never met one yet, but their mother had told them dozens of times how the majestic equine creatures were nothing more than jerks with horns.

"And the owl-clops…."

"...Yucky zombies….."

"...Bawf-faiwies."

The two looked anxiously at one another. A lone crow let out a caw from somewhere deep in the surrounding woods.

"C'mon…." Finn took his sister's tiny doll hand into his. The mere babies trooped along, still hoping weakly for the best. But the more they walked, the more it felt like they weren't getting anywhere at all.

Gladys started to sniffle. She made them stop so she could scrub her eyes with a sweater sleeve.

"What's wrong?" Finn squeaked.

"I...I want Mommy…." She whimpered unhappily. "I want Mommy."

"Me too. But we won't find Mommy if we stay here."

"Maybe….maybe Mommy will find us!" She suggested hopefully. Waiting for their parent to come out of the woods with an excited yell and huggy arms spread wide seemed like a much better prospect than trooping around on increasingly tired feet. Her twin however was a boy of action, and could barely even handle the thought of sitting still in one place.

"Nooooo! No, we gotta keep going. We can find the Shack!"

"We've been twyin' to find it, and we haven't found it!" She snappily pointed out. "We haven't found ANYTHING!"

"So then we keep lookin'!" He insisted. His sister folded her arms and sat on a nearby lug with an over-dramatic huff.

They were mere seconds away from a full-on sibling spat when they heard the curious rumble. Immediately they forgot all about their argument as they went on immediate high-alert. Something about the sound sent shivers down their spine. It reminded them of some of the strange creatures that they'd seen their family fight.

Thankfully, it was no monster. But that still didn't make a mountain lion was anything to celebrate as it curiously approached them.

"Kitty?" Gladys hopefully chirped at the overgrown cat. It let out another rumbling growl, and they could see a flash of sharp teeth. They weren't even four years old, but even the kids knew that was a bad sign. They clung to one another and screamed.

A loud cry pierced the air. The mountain lion looked up and spotted a strange creature up on a nearby slope, waving no less than four skinny arms as wildly as it could. It quickly decided that it didn't want to tangle with whatever this unfamiliar thing was, and it bounded off into the woods.

The little ones turned around and explode with frightened yelps when their rescuer's top half seemed to fall right off of his body. However, it actually turned out to be just one person on top of another's shoulders. The two identical-looking strangers tripped and stumbled in their mad dash towards the obviously lost children.

"Are you okay?"

"What are you two doing out where? Where are your parents?"

The pair fussed like two mother hens. Together they worriedly checked over the tykes to make sure they weren't hurt. Neither of the littles twins knew why, but they immediately felt strangely safe with these mysterious strangers. Without any further urging they both exploded with chatter.

"Can you help us? Please? Pleeeeease?"

"We can't find the Shack!"

"We wew chasing a big buttehfly, but we wan too fah away from it!"

"And we've been walkin' and walkin' and walkin' and walkin' and walkin' and walkin' and walkin' and…."

"Whoa, easy buddy. Easy!" One of the rescuers got down and one knee and pat Finn on the back. "It's alright. Just take a deep breath for me, okay?"

"Uhhhh….wait a second….did you guys just say something about a shack?" The other was intrigued by this mention.

"Nooo, not a shack! THE Shack!" Gladys corrected. "The Mystewy Shack!"

"What the?" One of their saviors mumbled in disbelief. "Hold on…."

"Whoa…..check it out." His equally youthful-looking companion pointed at the little twins' faces. As they took a good hard look, they immediately spotted the obvious resemblance.

"Ummm…..okay, so….if you don't mind….could you say 'whop' for me?" One of them rubbed the back of his neck as he made his awkward request.

"Whop!" Finn chirped.

"Whop!" Gladys followed her brother's example. Immediately the helpful strangers' suspicions were confirmed.

"Okay, c'mon. Let's get you back home." One of them hurriedly placed Gladys on top his shoulders.

"Upsy-daisy." His double did likewise with Finn. They barely set off before he asked, "So, uh….how's your mom doing?"

The hasty question earned him a kick in the shins from his companion, along with a glare. "Give them a little time, okay?"

"Sorry. But c'mon, don't tell me you're not curious too."

"Well, yeah, but who knows how long they've been wandering around by themselves. Can't you give them like, a minute?"

"You're right, you're right. Sorry. Yeesh, these two lost out here of all places….man, she's probably so freaked out right now."

The baby twins didn't understand the current conversation at all. Gladys decided to ignore it and politely answer the original question. "We dunno how Mommy is. She's at the Shack now."

"Yeah, with our uncle and our aunt. And our gregrunkles!" Finn chimed in. "We have two of 'em!"

"And we hava Waddles too!"

"Two?" Exclaimed one of the strange, short little men. "Wait….wait! Stan had a-"

"Hold on, hold on." The other overlooked this revelation entirely. A completely different detail had caught his instant interest. "You said you have an aunt, right?"

"Yeah!" Gladys affirmed. Now she and her brother had both the strangers' full and undivided attention.

"So, is she like….friend of your mom or something? Or is she and your uncle like...a thing?" One of them struggled to keep his cool. Awkward as his delivery was, at least he did a better job than his companion.

"What color is her hair?" He blurted out.

"Aunt Wenny and Uncle Dipper? They're married!" Finn replied.

"And Aunt Wenny's got pwetty owangy-wed haieh!" Gladys replied.

Both their rescuers needed a moment to process this bombshell. They stopped dead in their tracks and passed one another stunned bug-eyed glares until one of them found his voice again.

"Uh…...go on…."

As the little group trooped along, the two strangers kept the twins busy with a bombardment of strangely specific questions about their family. The tots however didn't mind. If these two were so helpful and nice, then what was wrong with striking up a conversation with them? They could never say no to a nice chat with new friends, even if half of the conversation it seemed to revolve around their aunt for some reason. The tykes' spirits quickly recovered as they happily babbled on and on about their clan. And before they knew it, the surrounding woods started to look familiar again.

"Hey! Hey I know that!" Finn pointed to a nearby stream and recalled hunting for frogs there with their Aunt Candy.

"Wait, how'd you know wheah the Shack was?" Gladys didn't remember either of them asking about directions.

"Ohhh, uh…." One of them stammered before replying vaguely, "Well….we kind of use to live around here."

"Yeah, we were actually on a hike just now. You know, exploring our old stomping grounds and all that stuff. Kind of like a little nostalgia trip." The other nodded towards the east. "The cave we first lived in actually isn't that far from here."

"Man, that was some real rough going at first." His companion remembered none too fondly. "The rain almost got us a couple ti-"

Before the tiny twins could learn any more, a familiar voice called up faintly from out of the woods.

"Finn? Fiinnnnnnn! Glaaaaaaaaadys!"

"Wenny?" Finn chirped hopefully.

"Where?" Both their rescuers asked at once.

"WENNY!" Gladys pointed. Not too far away they could see the distinct flash of crimson hair and green flannel perched high up in a tree, carefully scanning the area. The sight of her immediately stole the breath right from the two helpful strangers. Together they gawked as if they were gazing upon a red-headed angel descending majestically from the heavens. Neither one seemed to noticed when the excited little twins clambered down to the ground and gave them hasty hugs.

"Thank you!"

Thank you, thank you, thank yoooouuuuu!"

They then bolted off and raced towards their lumberjack aunt as fast as they could.

"Wenny! Wenny!

"Aunt Wennyyyyyyyyy!"

"Hey! Hey, I see them! Over here!" Wendy hollered excitedly over her shoulder the instant she spotted them down below. Without a moment's delay she swung down the evergreen and literally hit the forest floor running. Even though she was sprinting as fast as she humanly could towards the children, she was quickly outraced by an ecstatic blur.

"BABIES!" Mabel joyfully fell upon her children with a shriek. The little twins laughed as their overjoyed parent bombarded them with hugs, nuzzles, and countless kisses. "Oooohh, you're safe! You're safe! You're safe! Oh, you had me worried to death!"

"Where'd you run off to?" Wendy asked once she caught up.

"A buttehfly." Gladys sheepishly mumbled as she squeezed her mother back. "We hadta chase it."

"Figures." The redhead burst out chuckling at the sweetly honest answer. "Bet it was a real pretty one too, huh?"

"Yeah!" The little girl chirped. "You should've seen it! It was the pwettiest!"

"You little goofs." Mabel's blinked wet eyes as she adoringly nuzzled the two of them. "You had us looking everywhere like a bunch of crazies. Were you this close to the Shack the whole time?"

"Not here! Far away! We went really, really, reaaaaallllly far!" Finn explained. "But it's okay! We had help from some friends!"

"Friends?" Wendy repeated.

"Yeah! We made some new friends! They're…." The little boy looked around. With their work done, the strange samaritans had completely vanished. "Awwww, they left! There were right here!"

"Wait, hold on. What kind of friends?" Their curious aunt pried. Here out in the weirdness-crammed woods around Gravity Falls, "friends" could take on quite a few forms.

"Short ones!" Gladys answered.

"Gnomes?" Her mother guessed.

"They were sooooo nice! An' fwiendly!" He daughter chirped. "They gave us piggy-back wides!"

"Okay, definitely not gnomes." Mabel scratched off that possibility. "What else?"

"They looked like…..like….." It was only when Finn looked into his mother's eyes did he finally put two and two together. No wonder they felt so safe with the nice little men. He gasped and excitedly booped Mabel on her nose. "Like _you_, Mommy!"

"Like me?" She repeated curiously.

"Yeah!" Gladys agreed, but then she spotted an even more example jogging up over the hillside. "Wait, no! They looked moah like him!"

"Who?" Mabel and Wendy turned and watched Dipper join the family reunion. The young man panted for breath as he dropped to his knees and immediately started checking his niece and nephew over to make sure they weren't hurt.

"Are they okay? Where'd- _OW_! Hey!" He let out a yelp when Gladys grabbed hold of his short goatee.

"This!" Gladys triumphantly pointed to her uncle's face. "They looked just like this!"

"Yeah!" Her twin chimed in. "Like that!"

"Wait, what?" Wendy said incredulously. "Really? They looked like-"

"Uh-huh! They both looked just like Unca Dippeh!"

* * *

A few miles away, two permanently pubescent boys finally arrived back at their jeep.

"Wow. Wow, I just can't even….." A very dazed Clone #3 babbled. "I mean, yeah I'm glad everyone else seems to be okay, but….wow. Wooooow."

"I know, right? Lucky guy." #4 muttered in awe. There was definitely quite a lot for them to talk about on the long drive back to their apartment Portland, and back to the relatively normal life they had managed to make for themselves. The two proceeded to suit up in a long jacket, specially-tailored pants and a realistically fake mustache. Soon they resumed their secret identity of the past several years. Instead of two twelve-year-olds, they now looked like one man, albeit one with slightly curious body proportions.

"I wish we said hello." #3 confessed.

"Me too. But I think we made the right call. I mean, after the day they all just had, the last thing they needed was for us to pop out." #4 thoughtfully reminded him as they climbed into the car. "We'd probably just complicate things."

"Yeah, fair enough. Oh man, sorry but I just totally forgot. Who gets to be on top for work tomorrow?" The other copy asked.

"It's my turn, right?" His double answered from down below. "You want me to double-check?"

"No, no, you're probably right. Sorry, just...really having trouble thinking straight right now." #3 admitted as together they drove the jury-rigged vehicle out onto the road. "I just….wow. Dipper….married. To her. Wow. I can't believe it."

"Me neither…..I kinda feel like we should do something to celebrate when we get home." said #4. "Any ideas?"

His fellow clone laughed. "Well we already know drinks are definitely out of the question…."


	42. Flee-be

She was only a about a year and a half old, but the little girl had already learned a couple valuable life lessons already. Probably the most crucial of them all was also one of the simplest; if danger reared its head, run. All she needed to do was run as fast as she possibly could until she could find her mother, father, aunt, or anyone else from her peculiar but tightly-knit family. They were always able to chase away all the strange and weird things that came lurking out of nowhere to give her clan trouble. No matter what, they could always protect her.

At least, as long as she could get to any of them in time.

Twigs and leaves crunched beneath Phoebe Pines' little feet as she frantically raced about outside the Mystery Shack. After dashing around a corner, she was forced to stop to give her lungs a quick break. Her chest heaved up and down as she panted like fury. The child kept her eyes and ears peeled exactly like she had watched her constantly-wary father do countless times.

There was a faint pounding of feet. Her pursuer was definitely close by and nearing fast. Off she went again like a tiny redheaded rocket, fueled on by the power of pure panic. She dashed around another corner and tumbled hard onto the old rickety wooden porch. Lucky for her, a stooped figure had just shuffled outside to do some light reading on the sofa.

"Whoa, hold on there." Wrinkled hands picked her up and set her back on her feet. Ford could feel his entire skeleton creak in protest as he knelt down to flash her a calming smile. "Now where are you off too?"

Phoebe of course couldn't actually talk yet. But she could wave skinny arms, looked up at her great-great-uncle with bugging terror-laden eyes and emit a flurry of distressed squeaks, and this was enough to get the message across. Ford didn't need long to figure out that this child was definitely being hunted.

"Inside." Moving almost faster than his aging body could handle, he picked her up and pushed her into the Shack. "Go!"

She didn't realize he was going to try and hold off the danger that was hot on her heels. After all, she was still just a baby. As far as she could tell she had tried to get help from someone, and completely failed. The despairing little girl dashed off.

Round and round and round she ran, performing several circles around the first floor of the Mystery Shack. But all she could find was empty room after empty room. There was no one to take cover behind or to scoop her up in the refuge of their arms.

By now the she was nearly bursting with panic. Her little heart was pounding like a drum. Unless she found someone, she was absolutely done for. There were simply no other options. She definitely couldn't run like this forever. She couldn't even run for that much longer. Hiding also wouldn't do any good. Staying put in one place? Just waiting to be caught? No, she needed someone. That was the way it worked. That was the way it always worked. And so the desperate tyke ran and ran and ran, searching frantically.

"Whooo! Lookit our little Olympic sprinter!" A familiar bubbly voice cheered her on as she frantically toddled right by the kitchen for the fourth time in a row without stopping to look. "Phoebe Pines, going for the gold!"

Phoebe stumbled to a stop and glanced in. Her mother and aunt were standing right there, watching her just as intently as they had been for the past minute. Her heart lifted with hope. She wasn't merely safe; she had hit the sanctuary jackpot. She barrelled right into her mother's legs and hugged them tightly.

"WHOA!" The lanky woman nearly spilled her iced tea all over her daughter's head.

"Aw, you done playing race-time?" Mabel pouted in disappointment now that the adorable spectacle was over.

Phoebe was squeaking shrilly and urgently thrust out her skinny little arms as far as she could stretch them up towards her mother. There wasn't a second moment to spare. She needed their protection and she needed it now. It was her only hope.

"Okay, okay. Come to Mama." Wendy bent over. But right before she scooped up her little girl, she stopped and smiled. "Uh oh...I think I know what's happening here."

"Ooooohhhh! Me too-ooooo!" Mabel sang knowingly. The sisters-in-law both laughed.

Phoebe looked into her Wendy's face for the first time, and their matching emerald green eyes met. Horror surged through the tiny redhead as she then looked over to her aunt, back to her mother, her aunt, then her mother once more as the the terrible realization set in. Oh, she had been wrong. So very, very wrong. She wasn't going to find any safety here.

She turned and began toddling away as fast as possible. Already her little mind was racing to come up with a new plan. Her father, yes that was it! She'd go find her father, and he'd definitely keep her safe. Or maybe her Great-Great Uncle Stan. Or maybe her Uncle Soos. Was he around today? Maybe her Aunt Pacifica would swing by any second on an unannounced visit-

"A-HA!" A joyous cry filled the kitchen. The world's most tenacious hunter arrived, and she came wearing a bright rainbow sweater, light-up shoes, springy star antennae and a smile so large that it encompassed half of her face. "Found you!"

Phoebe yelped. Out of pure desperation she turned around and began trying to scale up her lanky mother like a baby squirrel. Gladys meanwhile bounced up and down in the doorway, clapping her hands and giggling herself silly with triumph.

"You weh wong, Gegunkle Fowd! Phoebe wasn't outside! I knew she went in! I told you!" She turned and yelled back towards the porch. "I told yooooou!"

"Sorry! I tried!" Ford called apologetically to his youngest great-great-niece. Phoebe didn't hear a word he said. She was still trying her frantic best to climb to up Wendy, who just amusedly watched as she scaled all the way to her waist.

"Okay, weah all done with tag now!" Gladys sweetly assumed that the whole chase had been nothing more than a game. She then proceeded to jam her fingers beneath her cousin's armpits and started mercilessly tickling her. "Gootchie gootchie gootchie!"

Phoebe's distressed wails turned into shrill laughter. The incapacitated tot let go and tumbled right into the four-year-old's waiting grasp. Using the freakish strength she had inherited from her mother, Gladys hefted her into a loving hug.

"Okay, now it's youah tuwn to get beautiful!" She beamed as she aggressively cuddled her beloved baby cousin. "The most beautiful little giwl in the whooole, wiiiide, wowld!"

"Yes! YES! Cuteness-bonanza, coming our way!" Mabel went to go get a camera, and bumped straight into the table. There was currently so much eyeliner clumsily drawn on her that it had become a little difficult to see.

"Whoopsy!" The brunette laughed it off before bouncing gleefully from the room. Phoebe meanwhile had finally given up. As she slumped in Gladys's hold, she shot a glare at her mother's thickly rouge and lipstick-slathered face.

"C'mon kiddo, don't give me that look. I've totally told you this before." Wendy ruffled her hair. "No one ever escapes Makeover-Time around here…."


	43. We're Okay

Just a small slice-of-life bit to help smooth over the most recent episode! - **SGA**

* * *

It was the end of another workweek, and like any Friday night, that meant take-out and a movie at Mabel's house. Dipper was finishing up a quick phone conversation as he pulled into his twin's driveway at his usual time.

"...So, I just called in a large cheese and a large pepperoni at Tony's a few minutes ago. Think you can pick them up on the way over?"

"No problemo. I'll clock out in about twenty and grab the grub. See you doofuses soon!" Wendy affectionately bid goodbye.

"See you." Dipper just literally ended the call when he seemed to have been suddenly transported into a science fiction movie. A loud wet explosion filled the air, and he looked up just in time to watch fluorescent green goop literally explode out of the kitchen windows.

"What the-"

Another batch of the otherworldly-looking ooze fired out at an alarmingly high velocity out the open windows. A panic like none other instantly coursed through Dipper's veins. Within moments he managed to imagine up at least a half-dozen different horrifying scenarios that could be taking place inside the little house at that very moment. By the time he undid his seat belt, he had already half-convinced himself that some shapeless trans-dimensional horror had just materialized in his sister's kitchen. It wouldn't have been the strangest thing to happen to them. The young man transformed into a living blur as he hurtled towards the house.

"Mabel! MABEL!"

He was just reaching for the doorknob when he heard the confused little squeak calling out to him from the car.

"Da-ee? Da-eeee!"

Dipper's parental instinct sent him racing back to fetch Phoebe, even as thick green gloop continued dripping out the windows down the sides of the house. He moved so fast that by the time he figured out what he was doing, his legs were already carrying him through the door.

"Wait!" The horrified father yelped to his child. "Why am I bringing you TOWARDS the-"

He tried turning himself right around. Unfortunately he didn't find one single scrap of traction on the ooze-covered linoleum. he slipped, and for a very unfortunate moment he found himself completely parallel with the floor. There was a loud thud as he landed back-first with his puzzled daughter still held aloft. Suddenly he found himself lying smack in a puddle of the mysterious glop. Fresh terror tore through his system as he simultaneously tried to climb back to his feet and keep the baby safely out of the terrible ooze's reach, all while calling out to his sister.

"Mabel! Mabel? Ma-"

Slime-drenched appendages descended on him from above, and the young man let out a started yell. Thankfully it was no trans-dimensional abomination. Before he knew it he was standing back up and looking into the smile of his green glop-covered twin .

"You called?" Mabel laughed, looking cheery as could possibly be regardless of the fact that green slime coated nearly every exposed surface of her kitchen.

"What the…." Dipper gawked at the spectacular disaster.

"Could you just give juuust a minute? We're almost done!" Mabel very sweetly requested. He just nodded dumbfoundedly as she bounced back to the kitchen counter. Her two tots scrambled back to the stools they had been blown off by the force of the blast just a minute earlier. Meanwhile she wiped off her glasses, then brushed the ooze from the small camera she had set up.

"Okay, recording again in threeee….twooooo…..one! Wow! We've really made a little bit of a mess here, haven't we?" She cheerfully understated to her twins. Now that they were back in camera shot, both grinned and nodded furiously.

"The ooky is everywhere, Mommy!" Finn was nothing but laughs while he scraped some out of his hair. A hefty glop of it dripped down from the ceiling and right onto his mother's ear, triggering a hearty giggle out of her.

"It sure is. But at least all you loyal viewers out there can use this as a good lesson. When doing any arts and crafts activity, always, always make sure to double-check your measurements. But just in case you get a teensy careless while you're reading a recipe, don't worry! It's nothing that you won't be able to fix with….what did we go over in episode twenty-three, guys?" She prompted her children.

"CLEAN-UP DANCE PARTY!" They cheered together. Mabel snorted with laughter as all three of them started jigging.

"You know it! Anyways, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for watching another episode of Mabel's Guide to Parenting! We'll see you next time!"

She deftly turned off the camera and bounced on over to her twin. "Thanks for waiting!"

"Uh, no pro-"

"MAYMAY!" Phoebe squeaked excitedly at her aunt.

"Ooooh, hi there, Fee-Fee!" Mabel adoringly squealed right back. "Come to your auntie!"

"Wait, don't-" Dipper was too slow to stop her. His sister snatched Phoebe right into her messy arms for a goopy cuddle, instantly making the redheaded baby as hopelessly dirty as everyone else. He meanwhile became even messier when Finn and Gladys assaulted him with hugs, latching onto his legs and waist with a wet squelch each.

"Uncle Dipper!" Finn whooped.

"Hi, Unca Dippeh! Look! Lookit!" Gladys scooped up some of the gloop and forced it into his hand. "Lookit what we made!"

"Yeah! Lookit!"

Both children started excitedly shoveling more and more at him. Ever the dutiful uncle, Dipper was now forced to cup both hands to hold it all.

"See it? You see it?"

"We made alllll of this, Unca Dippeh! Look!"

"Uh, yeah….I see…..." After scanning the glop-covered room, he looked back to his twin. "What is all of this, anyway?"

"Homemade Silly Putty a la Pines!" She giggled. "Well, it was supposed to be, at least, but I guess we rushed things too much. Sorry about trying to squeeze this all in before pizza-time, but we were way overdue for this week's update."

In spite of his best efforts to hold it down, Dipper let out a relieved sigh. Mabel of course noticed this, and a fat grin spread across from dimpled cheek to dimpled cheek.

"We're fine, bro-bro." She reassuringly booped his nose. "We're allllll fine."

"All fine!" Finn squeaked.

"Fine!" Gladys chimed in to complete the trio.

"I can see that...now, at least." He laughed wearily before gently changing the subject. "So besides the delay, how's the blog been going?"

"Ooooh, like you wouldn't believe!" The self-proclaimed expert puffed her chest proudly. "We now have eight subscribers and counting….."


	44. A Trip Down Memory Lane

I'm getting a little experimental with structure for today's installment. Props to ddp456 for helping me out with this one! - **SGA**

* * *

Wendy Pines was completely hunkered down on the sofa when her phone went off, with her favorite flannels sweats on, baby daughter playing next to her and an enormous bowl of cereal set before he on the coffee table. She took one look at who was calling and eagerly answered fast as she could.

"Hey doofus."

"Hey!" Dipper was brimming with so much excitement that Wendy could feel it through the phone. Thanks to a museum-funded excavation at an ancient burial site out in nowheresville, Nevada, it had been nearly two weeks since the couple had seen one another.

"So you about to hit the road yet?"

"Yeah, almost! We've just finished packing everything up. I should be home in a couple hours."

"Sweet, can't wait. It was getting waaaaay too relaxed around here."

"Yeah, I bet you can't wait to have someone to do the cooking again." He affectionately joked right back at her.

"You know I do." She put him on speaker, leaving her free to slurp down the rest of her cereal in one go.

"Hey, you want me to pick up Phoebe this afternoon? I should be getting back into town just in time." He thoughtfully suggested.

"Nah, she's not in daycare today. She's feeling a little 'sick,' so I'm taking the day off with her." Wendy said with a mischievous chuckle.

"What?!" He blurted out worriedly. "Wait, what kind of temperature is she running?"

"Whoa, relax! She's fine!" She assured him. "We're just playing hooky, that's all."

"Oh….okay…okay…." He forced out an embarrassed chuckle. "Probably should have caught that."

"Dork." She lovingly teased.

"Yeah, sorry. Uh, I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay. Love you."

She put her phone down and almost immediately noticed the way Phoebe's attention had locked right onto the little rectangle that she heard her father worriedly babbling out of only a minute ago. Wendy could swear that her daughter looked genuinely concerned.

"He's fine. You know that's just how he gets with you, right?" She rolled her eyes. "Still…. you seriously would have that your cousins would have helped him get at least some of the baby anxiety out of his system already. I mean, it's not like any of this is totally new to him. Seriously, after everything that he's put himself through with the twins already…."

Wendy lumped her daughter onto her hip. As she sauntered on over to the TV, she laughed as she recalled a particular little incident. "You know that we lived with your Aunt Mabel for a while, don't you? Right after Finn and Gladys were born? It was supposed to only be for the first week, just until she felt ready to handle things a little more on her own. But we ended up bunking at her place on and off for almost the whole first month, and Dipper…."

* * *

All was perfectly quiet in the little house.

Too quiet.

Dipper tried his best to quietly read in the den. The neurotic new uncle however kept glancing over to the nearby baby monitor.

"We haven't heard anything either of them for like, thirty minutes." He was getting worried.

The lanky woman lazing the other side of the sofa didn't even look up from her magazine. "They're just sleeping. They're totally fine."

"Think we should go check?" He asked. "You know, just in case."

"Nope."

"It would only take a couple seconds." Dipper persisted.

"You do that, they'll wake up, and then literally everyone's gonna be unhappy." Wendy retorted, recalling each and every time she got a new brother.

"But maybe-" He tried countering.

"Let them nap."

"I just-"

"Let them nap."

"But maybe we-"

"Dude…." She gave him a look. "C'mon. Just let them nap, okay?."

"Okay." Dipper softly conceded. He proceeded to "read" for a mere minute and a half before he got up. "I'm….gonna go to the bathroom."

Wendy nodded wordlessly. Less than half a minute later she heard one of the twins snuffle loudly over the monitor, followed by a grizzle. The new aunt picked it up and started listening in just as Finn broke out with a full-fledged cry, which immediately woke up his twin sister. The house filled with the wails of two very cranky newborns.

"Sorry! Sorry! I was just checking!" She heard Dipper frantically apologize over the monitor. "Shhh! Shhhh! It's okay guys! It's okay! Uhh...wellllll, who wants a lamby, lamby, lamby…."

The babies weren't the only ones whose naps were ruined. Half-awake and currently fueled by pure protective instinct, an exhausted Mabel tore from her bedroom and charged into the nursery at full tilt.

"MOMMY'S COMING!"

"Wait, wait, Mabel-"

"YOU LEAVE MY BABIES ALONE!" She shrieked.

"No, it's just me! It's-OW! Mabel, stop-OW! OW!It's just me-OW!"

With nothing left to lose, Wendy shot to her feet and rushed into the chaos with an annoyed cry. "SERIOUSLY?!"

* * *

"...We actually had a couple more episodes like that until he was cool with letting the kids sleep for longer than forty minutes without getting worked up about it. Of course, that's because he found plenty of new things to freak out about. Like, the first time they got sick….when they were learning to walk…..."

Wendy now sat cross-legged on the floor with a game controller in her hand and daughter in her lap. Phoebe looked up at the screen and squeaked at the alien soldier charging around a rocky outcrop.

"Buh!"

"Thanks, I see him." Wendy took aim, and the enemy combatant exploded in a burst of computer-animated gore. "Boosh! Wasted!"

She paused to give her daughter a proud pat on the head. As she returned to her mission, the lanky mother chattered on. Gentle laughter shook her lanky body. "And to think, when you first popped into the picture I seriously thought Dipper was going to be okay. I was like, okay of course my guy's gonna get anxious. But we've basically helped raise our two kids already, so how wound up can he possibly get over our own kid? Well turns out, the answer was 'totally wound up.' Like, this one time….."

* * *

"...Helloooooooo, sweetie!" The moment her brother and sister-in-law entered her home, Mabel rushed over, gently grabbed Wendy's budding bump and greeted it first. "And how are _you_ doing? You beautiful, gorgeous little-"

The overexcited brunette stopped herself. Of course, she'd long since gotten the news over the phone, but she now wanted to hear it straight from the mouths of the new parents themselves. Mabel bounced from foot to foot as she asked,"It's definitely a girl, right? Like, totally official? At least ninety-five percent sure?"

Wendy was still wearing the same enormous smile she'd be sporting since her most recent sonogram two days earlier. "Oh yeah. It's official. Totally got a little lady on the way."

"YES!" The aunt-to-be squeezed the two of them in a crushing hug. "Oooohh, congratulations a billion times over! A little girl! A little itty bitty pretty little girl!"

"Girl! Girl! Girl!" Her own two tots bounced around cheering excitedly until their aunt knelt down low enough for them to hug their upcoming cousin. Mabel signaled to her children, and the giggling three-year-olds shot off into the kitchen.

"Where are they going?" Dipper asked.

"To go get your treat! Well, one of your treats." As she spoke, she eagerly passed two new hand-knitted pink onesies to Wendy.

"Aw, Mabes…." Wendy's smile grew.

"That's just the first of many. Oooohhh, SO many!" The arts and crafts master clasped her hands and squealed at the thought of all the adorable outfits to come. "And to really help us celebrate the big news, we decided to go big with something special for Family Movie Night tonight. Presenting to you all, the snack of snacks! The master munchie for the marvelous mother eating for two! A creative culinary experience courtesy of yours truly, I give you the Ultimate Na-"

Dipper almost spooked everyone out of their skins with an animalistic howl of terror. He protectively reached for his daughter, who was still inside his wife. Before Wendy knew what was happening, her scrawny husband had managed to lift her up into a fireman's carry.

"Hey! HEY!" She thrashed in protest. His attempted retreat to safety ended when her knee accidentally slammed his gut, sending him right down to the floor in a heap. The badly-startled Mabel meanwhile helped her sister-in-law land safely, albeit a little ungracefully on her feet.

"Whoa! What gives, bro-bro?" She demanded. It took a few seconds until her brother could actually speak.

"Sorry." Dipper wheezed and pointed to the large tray that his niece and nephew bore between them. "That…"

"Huh? Unca Dippeh, it's justa nacho!" Gladys squeaked bemusedly.

"Yeah!" Mabel chimed in. "The Ultimate Nacho! Didn't you hear my just now?"

"Yeah dude, it's just…." Wendy finally figured it out. "Uh oh….Mabes?"

"What?" The brunette got another look at her culinary creation. An entire bag's worth of tortilla chips had been painstakingly glued together with cheese to make one massive cheese-covered chip.

Or, to describe it another way, one large yellow triangle.

"What? It's just….." Mabel grimaced as she finally caught the unsettling resemblance. "Oooohhhhhhh…..yeah, sorry. I can see how that would be a little alarming….."

* * *

"...Okay, what do you think?" Wendy's space marine now faced down a mechanical seven-story crab-like abomination. "Grenade launcher or laser rifle?"

"Gah?" Phoebe gurgled.

"Grenade launcher it is." While she armed herself, she continued meandering down memory lane. "Anyways…..so yeah, his anxiety pretty much just kicked back up into total overdrive. And even though his heart was totally in the right place, he…..okay, like so this other time, he actually…."

* * *

"...Twelve …...thirteen….fourteen….fifteen….sixteen….seventeen…..." Wendy continued to stack the penny tower high on her bulging stomach, carefully counting with every new addition. A small kick from beneath suddenly sent it toppling over, and she burst out laughing "Oh, c'mon!"

"Looks like she wins another round." Dipper chuckled as he gathered up the coins from where they tumbled off all around the sofa.

"We were just three away from the record. Again." Wendy pat her growing bump, and felt the baby kick again. Their little one was being particular active that evening, and the bored parents were taking full creative advantage of it. "It's like she knows."

As Dipper began making a new tower on top of his wife's stomach, he wondered out loud, "Is it weird we've been doing this for almost twenty minutes?"

"Probably." She grinned at their unborn opponent. "At least she's livening up the night a little."

The silly game was abruptly interrupted when an alarm on Dipper's phone went off. In a flash the up man was up and moving like a machine. Wendy yelped as he speedily herded her up onto her feet.

"What are you-"

"Go, go, go!" He worked with amazing speed and efficiency. The next few moments became an utter blur for Wendy as he cleared the two of them out. In no time they were out of the apartment, in the parking lot and sitting in Dipper's little sedan. The young man checked the time and celebrated with a mighty whoop.

"Yes! Minute and a half!" The hyper-prepared father-to-be took out a checklist. "Okay, let's see….out in under two minutes, check….remembered to lock up behind us, check…..hospital bag, check…..yeah, looks like we're good! At least, I think. Can you think of anything we might have missed?"

That answer became obvious when he looked to his spouse. Wendy dazedly gazed back. "Uh…..so was this supposed to be like, a drill, or something?"

Dipper's face fell. After the world's most awkward twenty-second silence he meekly asked, "Wait….wait...I-I didn't go over this with you?"

She wordlessly shook her head.

"I thought this morning I said we were-"

"No...not at all."

There was a gentle thud as Dipper hit his forehead on the steering wheel. As he filled the car with an embarrassed groan, Wendy reached over to gingerly pat his shoulder.

"Hey…" She tried boosting his spirits. "At least we know when the time comes, we'll-"

"Thanks," Sighed the red-faced young man, "But I'm pretty sure my dignity's gone for good tonight…."

* * *

"...….Hey, what do you think you're doing? Trying to move back into your old pad?" Wendy joked.

After meeting her end in the claws of the alien mecha-crab five times in a row, she and baby had retired to the couch for some play-and-cuddle-time. The lanky mother chuckled as Phoebe curiously crawled halfway under her shirt.

"C'mere, cutie." Wendy picked her up, and Phoebe squeaked with laughter as she blew a wet raspberry on her cheek. The older redhead then set her crimson-haired baby onto her lap. "Okay, where were we...oh yeah. So, think that was over the top? You should have seen him near the end…the things he did to make sure you were okay were just….."

* * *

"No."

"Wendy-"

"No."

"I just-"

"No."

"But we baby-proofed the entire apartment. How is this that much different from-"

"Are you serious?" The redheaded mother-to-be shot him an incredulous look. For her, this was overkill in the most irritating way imaginable. Dipper however wasn't ready to back down until he explained his whole plan.

"Look, Ford took this from his personal stash and overnighted it through the mail just for us." He held up the small package of unicorn hair. "You know how hard it is to get this. Can't we at least try to-"

"Dude, no." Wendy crossed her arms and glowered. "Why do we need to get this stuff involved anyway?"

"Why else? Because this has protective powers. We both know it does. We've seen it in action. It's fact. So why not give it a try for Phoebe? I mean, it can't hurt, right?" He asked with a hopeful smile. His reasoning failed to sway her.

"So what am I supposed to do? Superglue it right onto her?" She rolled up her shirt and pointed to her eight-and-half-month old swollen stomach. The lanky redhead looked fit to pop.

"No, no!" He shook his head. "There's a couple different ways we could go about it."

"_What_?"

Dipper took out one of his notebooks. "Okay, let's see….ah, here we go. So, we want to go with a real low-effort option, we could tape a few strands to the inside a couple of your shirts. Or, if we want to get them in a little more securely, I'm sure Mabel would be fine if we asked her to sew a few of them in. We could also try a belt that you can wear around….."

He earnestly went on and on like this. The visibly annoyed Wendy wasn't having any of this. Without a word she grabbed the little bag off the coffee table and waddled off down the hallway. Dipper's nose was still buried in his various plans.

"...Now if you want, we can try a locket with a really long chain. You know, so it reaches down all the way to the baby-"

"Dipper?" She called him.

"Yeah?" As he heard the toilet flush, he quickly got the message. "Um, okay…..no it is, then….."

* * *

"...Oh my God, he was so serious about it, I don't even….." Wendy shook her head and chuckled. At this point she noticed that Phoebe's eyes had settled shut. The baby now lay limply on her chest like a small sack of flour. Her mother guessed she had been meandering on a lot longer than she thought.

"Soooo, in case Mama hasn't made things totally clear yet," She quickly wrapped things up. "Don't worry too much when he does his whole freak-out thing. That's just how he is. Dipper always has been, and always will be one the most hyper-protective, over-anxious, stubborn people out there. And that somehow goes double when it comes to anyone small, cute and related to him. Got that?"

Phoebe kept on sleeping. Wendy reached for the phone and checked the time. It looked like it was still going to be a couple hours until she could expect Dipper back home. A couple hours until he'd open that door, stumble over his own bags as he dropped them, proceed to almost trip over himself again in his rush, and finally wrap his wife and daughter up in a tight hug. In short, her dork was going to frantically act like he hadn't seen the two of them in years.

The thought of his inevitable spectacle brought a fat smile to her face. She could hardly wait.

"And you know what else, cutie?" The redhead gleefully confessed to her slumbering daughter. "You lucked out so hard to have him as your dad, you have no idea…."


	45. Damage Control

Something I just whipped up today after watching the newest episode. Enjoy! Reviews, suggestions and criticisms as usual are all warmly welcome. - **SGA**

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"...Wendy? W-Wendy!"

It had all happened so fast, he could barely remember anything beyond the most bare details. First came his wife's sudden and mysterious disappearance from the Shack, and then came the brief, enigmatic text. Now Dipper found himself scaling up Gravity Falls' water tower, calling over and over to the woman that was supposedly waiting for him on top.

"Wendy?"

When he spotted her, his relief was short-lived. The tall, lanky woman standing high above didn't say a word. She merely stared out noiselessly up into the night sky, looking for all the world like a wax statue. The same however couldn't be said for the terrified child in her arms. Phoebe was wailing like she was being dipped slowly into boiling oil..

"I'm coming!" He redoubled his speed. "Wendy? Wendy! What's going on?"

As soon as she saw him, Phoebe desperately thrust out her little arms towards him as if he was her very last hope and squealed shrilly. "Da-ee! Da-eeeee!"

Her mother however still didn't make a single sound. She continued to just stand there, back to her husband while she gazed at the lights of her hometown.

"Wendy?" Dipper heaved as he cautiously made his way towards his family. "Are...are you okay?"

Crimson locks whipped about as she spun her head around with inhuman speed, revealing a pair of burning yellow eyes marked by rectangular pupils as black as pitch.

"Thanks for asking, Pine Tree!" She replied with a horrifically familiar nasal cackle. "I couldn't be better!"

Dipper leapt back so fast that he almost tumbled backwards off the tower. His heart froze in his chest, "No….no….no, it...it can't be! N-no!"

"Oh, but it is! Didya miss me?" His "wife" asked with another mocking laugh.

"BILL!" Dipper looked like he was going to lunge. Without even batting an eye, his old nemesis eagerly dangled the squalling baby out over the edge. Immediately the terrified father stopped dead in his tracks.

"Awwww, Pine Tree, I'm hurt!" Bill Cipher pouted. "Is that really any way to treat an old friend?"

While the demon held all the cards, Dipper's brain went into overdrive. As he desperately tried to cook up some kind of plan, he asked with a snarl,"What did you do to Wendy?"

"Relax! Red's still right in here." He pointed to the head of his newest flesh vessel. "She's making a real heck of a racket though. Almost as much as Red Jr. here."

Tears streaked down Phoebe's pale freckled cheeks. The eighteen-month-old had no idea what was going on. But she could clearly tell that whoever this thing holding her was, it definitely wasn't her mother.

"How did you even…." Terror, shock and fury swamped Dipper all at once. He could barely even speak, and has to settle for strangled babbling. "How did…..but we…."

Bill tut-tutted and shook "his" head. "Did you really think you had seen the very last of me? Now, I actually have to hand it you meat bags, you all put up a pretty good fight last time around. You know, when you sealed up the portal and almost destroyed me and anything. I was actually a little torn up about the whole thing. Literally! Ha! Seriously, when there's just a couple shreds of you left, it takes a while until you can really make something of yourself again."

The transdimensional demon now began tossing Phoebe up and down if she were a mere ball as he excitedly jabbered on. "Anyways, I was finally feeling well enough to drop in and pay all you guys a little visit. Y'know, to catch up and see how you've been doing after you foiled my plan for a trillion-year reign of madness. Get the old gang back together, you know? It was kinda hard getting out of the decaying remains of my dimension. The old neighborhood's really gone downhill ever since the merger didn't work out. But once I figured how to get back out, moving into my new pad was a piece of cake! Though I gotta admit, it's not the sturdiest place I've ever lived in."

He grinned wickedly. Dipper watched on in horror while he tucked the thrashing baby under one arm, grabbed two of Wendy's fingers, and forced them back with one hard jerk. There was an audible crack, and Bill winced, and followed up the gruesome spectacle with another burst of laughter. "Haha! Oh man, Red definitely didn't like that one bit! You should really hear her scream right now. Boy, she's got a set of lungs on her."

The harsh sound of breaking bone made Phoebe explode with fresh shrieks. Her possessed mother held her up by the arm and groaned. "Jeez, why do you humans even bother making little flesh puppets like this? It's nothing but waaah, waaah, waaaah, just twenty-four seven! Maybe it's my total lack of empathy for all living things, but I just don't see the point of-"

Now was Dipper's chance. He lunged forward, and suddenly the two were locked in a fierce tug of war as he tried seizing his daughter back. As he fought for his baby's life, Bill gleefully laughed right into his face.

"Trying to lend a hand with the kid? Well aren't you the sweetest?" He cruelly mocked the determined parent.

"Give...her...BACK!" Dipper cried. Unfortunately he couldn't pull too hard for fear of hurting Phoebe. He couldn't fight that much about against Bill either without possibly injuring his own wife. So while he struggled, he began calling out desperately to his wife. "Wendy! Wendy! Wendy, fight it! You can do it! Fight it! Please, Wendy!"

It was no use. As they pulled the terrified baby back and forth, Bill broke out into cruel singsong. "Rock a bye meatbag, in mom and dad's arms, wherever you go you will come to harm, and when Pine Tree's grip breaks, the baby will fall…."

Using every ounce of strength he could muster in his puppet's wiry body, he tore Phoebe out of her father's grasp with a massive yank. His terrible cackling filled the air, mixing with the baby's cries and creating a nightmarish symphony. Dipper couldn't move fast enough, and was forced to watch his own child plummet down to the earth below.

"PHOEBE!"

The entire world seemed to crumble before him with a mighty shudder. He struggled to grasp onto the railing, or anything for that matter so he wouldn't get thrown off. Everything suddenly went dark for a few horrifying moments, until his eyes snapped open and the outline of a lanky woman materialized out of the dark gloom. Dipper redoubled his efforts to thrash free.

"No! Bill, no! NO!"

"Dipper! Dipper!" Wendy shocked him when she spoke in her own voice. "C'mon, wake up!"

The young man did a full-body jerk when he finally noticed he was not actually standing on a windswept tower. He wasn't even in Gravity Falls, or Oregon for that matter. He was in his own bed, surrounded by strewn sheets with his startled wife looming over him.

Or at least what looked like his wife.

Wendy yelped when he thrust his hands up and grabbed her face. It was hard to think straight at first, as she had been fast asleep a mere minute ago before Dipper woke her up, yelling and thrashing in the throes of a hideous nightmare. Suddenly she remembered the name he had sputtered. She leaned in close, spread her eyes wide and showed off the familiar spots of black set into pools of emerald green.

Dipper barely registered that he was looking at the bona-fide deal when a shrill wail sounded out from down the hallway. Wendy however moved like a mere tortoise compared to Dipper. He squirmed out from beneath her and shot off. In moments he was pacing about the nursery, hugging and bouncing Phoebe as she grizzled crankily.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm sorry. It's okay, I'm here…..I-I'm here…." He held her close and murmured to her. Wendy watched worriedly in the bedroom doorway. This looked like one hell of a bad dream.

"Dipper?" she gingerly approached. He couldn't hold it back. Dipper seized up with an audible sob. It was even worse than she thought.

"Bill." he gasped. "It….it was Bill. I saw him."

"What happened?"

"He….he came back, He was still alive, a-and he found a way back….back through you, and….and he had….you and Phoebe, he…."

The rattled young man choked up as he clutched Phoebe closer. Wendy didn't need to hear any more. She began rubbing his back and dishing out reassurance. "It's okay. It's okay, it was just a dream. We got him, remember?"

Unfortunately this didn't help Dipper was so worked up that he slipped away and started pacing about the room. Nervous energy surged through his body as he first went in circles around the nursery, then out into the hall, and then wandered aimlessly back into their shared bedroom.

"Hey! Hey!" Wendy followed after him. "Dipper, it's okay! He's gone. Bill can't come back."

Her assurances still weren't helping. Her spouse was spiraling into a full panic attack right before her very eyes. Dipper suddenly started mumbling frantically. "You're not safe…..y-you're just not safe with me….."

"Whoa, what?" She definitely didn't like the sound of where this was going. "What are you even talking about?"

"Probably neither of you are safe." He babbled on and on as his anxiety now race off like a runaway freight train. "Bill might be gone, but….he might come back. No, maybe not, but….even then, maybe something else can come back. There's too much I'd done, too much I've seen. So much can happen, anything can happen….maybe something new…..oh God, what are you doing with me? What are you even doing with me? You're not safe. You're just not….."

Thankfully, Wendy was not going to let his demons rad ragged over him like this. She grabbed his short-cropped beard and gave it a fierce tug. Once she had his attention, she told her husband flat to his face, "Okay, enough!"

"OW! Hey-"

I'm calling total BS on whatever this is." She announced flatly. "Okay?"

"Huh?"

"Dude, " She let go. "I know you're feeling totally freaked right now. But I'm sorry, that's one of the biggest loads I have ever heard in my entire life."

She had never been one for mincing words. She sat the two of them down on the edge of their bed, to make him at least stop his frantic pacing. "Let's be real. I can list tons of crazy things that I've seen you handle before, and you know what that includes? The freaking end of the entire world. Dipper, after all of that….you seriously expect me to believe whatever you're going on about right now?"

"I've always had help though." Dipper instinctively downplayed himself. "And besides, you know the stuff I can attract. It-"

"Why are you talking like this is news to me? Yeah, I know that! I've seen you attract this stuff for the last fifteen years! And you know what? You deal with the most insane crap this stupid insane world has to offer, and you come out just fine! I don't know what you're going on about, but why would I seriously not feel safe with you of all people after everything I've watched you deal with? Especially, and let me say it again, that includes a whole mini-apocalypse!"

"But-"

"It was almost the end of the world, Dipper." She repeated. "End. Of. The. World. And when did you face it down? When you barely even came up to my waist. When you couldn't speak without having your voice crack at least half the time. You were just a kid, but you still helped make sure we all got through what was almost the end of literally _everything_. So if you could deal with that when you weren't even a teen yet….I mean, c'mon! What's seriously stopping you from handling whatever else is gonna get tossed our way?"

"I could think of a few things." he admitted worriedly, and this remark immediately earned him a soft punch in the shoulder.

"I know, you always can." She then wrapped an arm around him. "Look, I'm gonna admit that there's definitely a lot of stuff out there that can keep me awake at night. You know that, I have all sorts of junk that can drive me absolutely crazy. But you know what's one thing that actually helps me sleep?"

"What?"

Wendy turned his head towards her, just to make sure he could see the honest smile on her face. "It's knowing that no matter what happens, no what what crazy junk life's got planned for us next, my guy's always going to be there, he's going to get through it, and he's going to make sure we all get out okay. Because that's just what he always does."

There wasn't a trace of doubt to be found in her heartfelt confession. Finally, she got to him. Dipper took a deep breath, and she could feel some of the heavy tension start to ease from his body. As he finally started to relax, she playfully reminded with a cocky smile, "And just so there's no pressure….I can handle all that stuff pretty well myself. Just sayin'."

"Trust me, I know." He laughed, immediately recalling at least several different times where she had saved the day. As he continued to calm down, he took one of her hands and gave a squeeze. "Nothing like having a Corduroy handy."

"Nope, wrong. I'm a flippin' Pines now. Thanks to you." She gently tapped her wedding band against his cheek. Between this and her smirk, she managed to get an even bigger smile out of him. "So, how you feeling now? Better?"

"Okay. I mean, besides the whole bringing myself to the brink and back thing." He joked weakly, then sighed. "Yikes."

"Relax. It was just some crazy nightmare." She brushed it off. "We all get 'em."

"Some of us more than others." He understated, now feeling more embarrassed above all else. "Jeez, how can you deal with me when I get like this?"

"Like you have to ask?" She chuckled, then went in for a calming kiss on his cheek. "Love you, Dipper."

"Love you, too." The two wearily shared a peck on the lips together.

Phoebe gurgled crankily to remind them she was still there, and not happy that she was still awake. Dipper grimaced apologetically as he kissed her forehead.

"Oh man. I'm soooo, so sorry honey."

"She'll be totally fine." Wendy assured as she held out his arms. "I got it from here. Just relax for now, okay?"

For a moment Dipper's mind raced back to his nightmare from hell, and a dozen terrible images and out-of-control worries resurfaced in his brain. Despite their fierce assault, he took a deep breath, and kept them at bay long enough to pass his daughter off. And of course his assuredly unpossessed wife took Phoebe into her arms with nothing more than her usual gentle care. Wendy struck up a soft lullaby to the still-cranky baby. And as she sang, Dipper protectively watched his two girls, all while he silently mulled over his wife's reassurances and trying his best to take them to heart.

She was right. It was okay. They were going to be fine. They were going to be fine. They could take whatever was in store for them next, no matter what it was. He'd handle it, she'd handle it, they'd all handle it….they'd done it before, why not again? And again? They were going to be fine….they were all going to be just fine….This was the mantra of sorts that floated through his head, up until the final moment that his eyelids crashed shut.

Wendy suddenly felt a sizable weight sag limply against her. She glanced back at the dutiful spouse now lying slumped on her shoulder. She grinned, gave him a nuzzle and glanced down to her daughter.

"Well, I'm feeling pretty safe right now." She joked. "How about you?"

Phoebe almost looked a little jealous as she grumbled back. Her mother chuckled sympathetically as she stroked her head. "I know, I know….if only it was as easy to get you back down…."


	46. Class Is In Session

Coming to you all this week as we all impatiently wait for the next episode: another silly slice-of-life piece (big surprise, right?). This one was suggested to me quite a ways back by Effervescent Dreamer. Enjoy! And as usual, any other reader suggestions, plus all reviews and criticisms are always welcome! - **SGA**

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Mabel had never met a rainy day that had ever gotten her down. The proud parent of two actually always enjoyed the challenge that they posed. No matter how fierce or how dreary it got outside, the hyper-creative young woman was always able to come up with an alternative activity to pass the time until the weather lightened up, and this particularly stormy summer day up in Gravity Falls was no different from any others that came before it.

"...Okay, let's see what you've all got so far!" She clapped her hands as she paced around the kitchen table. For the moment she wasn't Mommy, or even regular old Mabel. Right now she was Miss Pines, professional art teacher, and doing her best to recreate her classroom experience right there inside the Mystery Shack.

"Lookit!" Her little son proudly held up his drawing. "I made a dog-a-saurus! He's lika dinosaur, but he plays fetch, lika dog! And he likes it when you pat him on the head, take him for walks, and give him tummy rubs."

Finn looked around furtively before whispering to his mother, "He's also a ninja at night time!"

"Ooooohhh, a secret identity! Good job! Someone gets a big A for effort so far!" She slapped a bright silver star sticker on the corner of his drawing. "And that A stands for awesome!"

"Yeah! It's awesome!" He happily repeated. She made a mental note to give him a great big mom-hug later on. Not now though. That would be inappropriate teacher-student interaction. She bounced on over to the next pupil. "Gladys?"

"Her name is Fluffies!" Her four-year-old daughter happily explained. "She's a sheep! See? And she's sooo big and sooo soft you can sleep on her back, and while she sleeps she flies and takes you wherever you wanna go! Also she smells like cookies! Chocolate chip cookies!"

"Look at that colorful wool!" Mabel encouragingly complimented the crude rainbow design. "I bet you can make great sweaters from it!"

"Yeah! The best sweathehs!" Gladys puffed up proudly.

"Amazing!" Mabel awarded her with a sticker. "Okay, Soos?

"Uh…." The gentle giant looked sheepish. "My guy's not a lot to look at…."

"Don't say that! If you took the time and effort to make it, then I'm sure it's fantastic!" Her warm words and toothy quickly helped get him over his nervousness.

"So um…..my guy's like a dump truck, and he can carry lots of stuff. But he has an arm here in front so he can like….y'know, high five you and stuff, I guess."

"Ooooh! Simple, yet so complex!" Mabel stuck two stickers onto his half-finished drawing and then gave him a short round of applause. "Awesome job! Yay for Soos!"

"Yay for Soos!" The little twins cheered along with their mother.

"Yay for Soos!" Soos raised his arms and whooped. Mabel was nothing but smiles as she moved on to the last "student" at the table.

"Now what do we have here?"

"Just that hydra we ran into last week." When Dipper stopped to take stock of his progress, he was pleasantly surprised by how proud he was of his young man grinned. "Pretty good, huh?"

"Uh-oh, looks like someone didn't follow the di-reeeections!" Mabel sang. "I'm afraid that you're going to have to start over, Dipper."

"Huh?" In the blink of an eye his sister took his drawing away and replaced it with a fresh sheet of white paper. "Hey! What are you doing?!"

"Don't worry! You can have back it at the end of class." She reassured him.

"Why?" He protested. "That was turning out great!"

"Oh, it's very good, no doubt about that!" His sister nodded in agreement. "That's some real quality line work there."

"So why can't I finish it?" He tried to reach back for it. Mabel waggled a finger.

"Because you just drew something that you saw, not something up thought up by yourself. But it's okay!" The teacher grinned enthusiastically. "I'm sure you'll be able to whip up something new and amazing in no time!"

Dipper speedily went from indignant to outraged. The fact that he, a young man with a Master's degree, was currently failing a mock elementary school art class was not sitting well with him at all.

"But….but what we saw was a hydra! How is that any less incredible that what everyone else is drawing?" Dipper argued with her. "It's a gigantic snake with seven heads. Seven! And they're heads that could grow back every time you could cut one of them off! It had thirteen of them by the time we got away from it! Remember?"

"And did you think of any of that all by yourself?" She asked.

"What ? What do you mean? No! That's just what it it is! You saw it, you were right there with me when it-"

"What I want you to do is draw a creature from your imagination." Mabel sweetly reminded him of the assignment again. "It's easy! You need to let your mind run wild! Draw whatever crazy monster or super-animal pops in that big over-thinky brain of yours!"

"How many creatures with regenerating heads can there even _be_ in this world? If they live in Gravity Falls, it's definitely not that many!" Dipper stubbornly argued. "It's so rare that it's practically imaginary!"

"It's still something that you saw, not something you imagined up all by yourself." Mabel patiently re-summarized. "And that's not very fair to your classmates, is it?"

"I-"

"They spent allll that time and energy coming up with amazing things allll on their own! And you can too!" She beamed confidently at him.

The teacher had him there. But Dipper still wasn't ready to roll over and call it quits. He huffed lamely, "But...but that drawing was coming out really well."

"It sure was! But that's not what we're doing now. I told you, you can have your drawing back when class is over." She tapped the blank sheet of paper in front of him. Dipper scowled at her as he stood up.

"Come on!" He slapped the table. "This is stupid!"

"Dipper, sit back down and do your drawing." She respectfully requested as she put his half-finished creation up on top of the fridge.

"No, I'm not going to start all over again!" Dipper wasn't used to being anything less than one of the best students no matter what class setting he was in. This whole thing was shorting short of a major injustice as far as he was concerned.

"Sit back down, please." She patiently warned him one final time. By this point, the others had stopped and were quietly watching the sparks fly as the young man verged on a tantrum.

"Just let me finish the stupid drawing! Seriously Mabel, you're being-"

Without any hesitation she grabbed a small whistle out from under her sweater, blew sharply and handed him a small red piece of paper.

"What's this?" He demanded.

"Penalty card! You just earned yourself five minutes in time out!"

"What?!" He yelped.

"Five minutes in time-out for talking back to the teacher!" She crossed her arms into a T.

"Wait are you….oh, are kidding me?" Her brother exclaimed. "You can't do that!"

She blew the whistle again and slipped him another card. "Ten minutes in time-out!"

"What? No! You can't do that!" He tried his best to defend himself, all to no avail whatsoever." Seriously, all I did was try to make a-"

"Still talking back to the teacher and still disrupting class!" His sister didn't hesitate at all to pull out yet another penalty card. "Fifteen minutes!"

"Uncah Dippeh, STOP!" Gladys burst out pleading.

"You're gonna miss all of art class!" Finn chimed in. "You're gonna missit!"

"Yeah, dude, and we're going to do clay sculptures after this!" Soos pouted worriedly. "Clay sculptures! You can't miss out on that. It's not worth it, Dipper-dude!"

Their begging stares quickly destroyed his resistance. The last thing he wanted to do was distress his little nephew and niece (it was also never a good situation when Soos got upset either). And now that he had a moment to stop and actually think about it, he felt like in the grand scheme of things, he was probably getting just a little bit too worked up about a pretend class. To put it mildly.

"Sorry." He finally backed down with the meekest of apologies. Mabel tapped her foot and waited.

"Sorry…." She prompted him with a wave of her hand.

"I mean….sorry Miss Pines." The young man properly addressed her. His sister smiled approvingly as she set up a timer.

"I'll let you know when you can join us again."

"So, uh…" He awkwardly idled. "Do I…"

"Living room, closest corner to the gift shop!" Mabel explained. She then went right back to her duties as ultra-enthusiastic teacher, gushing over all the drawings and piling on the encouragement thick as she could. "Now let's see how we're all doing now….oooohhh, does that dog-a-saurus have helicopter propellers now?"

"Yeah! 'Cuz sometimes he wants to fly with Fluffles!"

"Yes! Now it's a collaborative piece! Love it, love it, looooove it! Sticker for you, and a sticker for you…."

It was with great reluctance that Dipper trudged into the den. To his dismay he saw that the old yellow armchair was currently occupied by a lanky redhead sitting curled up with her baby miniature. He silently eased by, hoping fervently that both mother and daughter were asleep. Phoebe continued to peacefully nap, but Wendy's emerald eyes cracked open.

"I heard _everything_." She announced to her husband with a snort of laughter.

"Wonderful." He groaned.

"Get a load of you now." She teasingly marveled. "My dork's become one of the bad boys in class."

"I know, I know." Dipper's face went bright red.

Now that she had gotten in her mandatory jab, Wendy proceeded to point out a silver lining for him. "Hey, could be way worse."

"I will give you that, actually." Dipper conceded with a weak smile. He then took his spot in the corner, no more than five feet away from quite the ongoing spectacle An old man was busy scribbling away on the large whiteboard, as as he had been doing since he had been kicked out right at the start of class.

"...I will not accidentally bring an infinity-sided die to class….I will not accidentally bring an infinity-sided die to class…" Ford mumbled to himself each time he repetitively wrote the words out.

"Okay, you're still not done yet?" Dipper exclaimed incredulously to his fellow class troublemaker.

"Oh yeah. Stilllll not done." Wendy grinningly affirmed. Ford distractedly waved at them.

"Hold on, I'm almost there…..hold on…..will not…...bring ….infinity...sided…...yes! Finished!" He put down the marker and gladly gave his cramping six-fingered hand a break. "Mabel? I'm done!"

"Sorry, not answering that!" She chirped from the kitchen.

"Miss Pines?" Ford sighed as he corrected himself.

"Yessss?" She sang.

"I'm finished. A hundred times on the board, just like you-"

"Nuh-uh! I said write it a hundred and _fifty_ times!" The teacher was more than happy to remind him. Wendy cracked up so hard that she almost woke up the Phoebe, and even Dipper couldn't help but snicker at the humbled genius.

"Oh for the love of…." Ford looked over to his chuckling great nephew and great niece-in-law, then harrumphed indignantly before returning to his punishment. "Who knew that she'd be so strict…."


	47. A Little Too Soon - Part 1

Here's a plot that's been floating around in my head for quite some time until a PM and suggestions from Crow T R0Bot helped turned this from vague idea into actually story material. Thanks for the help, Crow!

And now onwards with the latest two-parter! As usual, hope you all enjoy, even as things get a little out of control in this pseudo-prequel! - **SGA**

* * *

Huddled behind a clump of shrubs, Dipper and Wendy tried to keep their shallow breaths as quiet as possible. There was a crunch of twigs and leaves underfoot nearby.

"Come out, come out wherever you are…." A guttural purr called out. The couple passed one another wordless looks.

They should have seen this coming a mile away.

It all started when Wendy was invited up for her oldest brother's birthday. That meant she needed to make the trip from her current home in northern California back to her hometown, and where she went, so did her husband. And if _they_ were all going up to Gravity Falls for a little while, Mabel couldn't resist coming along too with her kids in tow. Such was how things usually when; only the smallest of incentives was needed to bring the whole gang all back up to their friends and family up north, even if it was just for the briefest of visits. They had made the several-hour drive so many times that it didn't bother any of them anymore.

And so Wendy got to spend a Saturday morning with her fellow Corduroys, Dipper and Mabel caught up with their aging great-uncles, and after lunch the three set out together for small a nature walk. Dipper was keen on making sure Wendy got as much exercise as she could still get, and she even more so. She was as excited as anyone else for her due date in just a few short weeks. But while she was thrilled about a new baby, the normally active redhead wasn't quite thrilled about inevitably becoming immobile for a little while. And so the trio casually trooped through their old stomping grounds, enjoying the fresh air, reminiscing and trading the usual jokes. All in all, it was turning out to be a wonderful time. Just a small band, one of whom was nine-months pregnant, hiking around a forest known to have all kinds of oddities living within.

Again, they really, really, _really _should have expected at least a little bit of trouble. They might as well have worn glowing neon signs demanding, "Please come and ruin our day right now." It wasn't long at all before the forests of Gravity Falls unleashed a particularly nasty surprise upon them.

Dipper snuck a peek at the hungry abomination that had nearly nabbed all three of them at once just a few minutes earlier before they all scattered into improvised hiding places. It was mostly a hulking mountain lion combined with the horned head of a mountain goat sprouting from the middle of its back, and a hissing rattlesnake for a tail.

In short, they had a bona-fide chimera on their hands. Now no less than three pairs of eyes, three noses and four ears were currently scanning the area with hungry intent. On top of that, each head occasionally breathed out a small puff of fire every now and then, just to make things that much worse.

The couple crouched lower out of sight, with every muscle tensed at the ready. Mabel meanwhile was nowhere to be seen, no doubt hiding somewhere nearby. Communicating entirely through glances and gestures, Dipper and Wendy were able to hatch a hasty gameplan without even uttering a single sound. Wendy slowly grabbed her hatchet, and Dipper reached into his vest. They may have been surprised by this patchwork predator, but they hadn't been caught totally unprepared.

The ears of the lion head flickered and perked. Its muscle-packed legs moved like four enormous springs, sending it soaring over the bushes and landing right in front of the two. Dipper tried to throw his smoke bomb (a homemade little thing courtesy of Ford Pines) but as soon as he stood up the monster charged and tackled him with a burst of speed. While the young man was sent flying, Wendy hurled her axe hard as she could and unfortunately missed.

"Hi-yaaaaaa!" Mabel finally broke her cover in spectacular fashion. She came swinging down from the trees on her trusty grappling hook. Her epic double kick however didn't go as planned. Moving faster than the blink of an eye, the chimera leapt up on two legs and batted her like she was a giant cat toy. The young woman ungracefully fell like a stone to her ground, and her recoiling weapon followed and bonked her on the head.

Now that both siblings were temporarily incapacitated, the hunter worked fast. Dipper was pinned down beneath two mammoth paws and Mabel swiftly bound up by the snake tail.

"No esssssssscape now!" It hissed gleefully at her. Mabel gasped as it began squeezing her tight. Dipper squirmed and thrashed with all his might beneath the weight of the monster to no avail. The lion head curled its lips into a triumphant smile. The young man could smell the sulphur in its breath, and suddenly he found himself staring directly into its open maw….

The goat head let out a bleat of shock and pain when a rock struck it between the eyes. The chimera locked its attention on Wendy, boldly staring it down from only a few yards away.

"Let. Them. Go." She breathlessly demanded.

The monster looked at her, standing there all by herself and supporting an enormous belly bump. All three of its heads burst out guffawing at the the very heavily pregnant woman. However, she wasn't having any of this.

"What are you laughing at?" Wendy snarled so fiercely that it stopped laughing mid-breath. "You think this is funny? Huh? Well let me tell you a couple things. I've been bloated, cramping, and sore for several months straight. I can't see my ankles anymore, I can barely go an hour without running to the bathroom, and this morning I had to explain to my brothers for the hundredth time that I can't drink while they kept trying to hand me glasses of family moonshine, which smells like gasoline by the way. To put it one way, I've never more than five seconds away from a bad mood. And now you come around and decide you can screw with MY family?"

She topped off her rant with a crack of her knuckles. "Bad. Idea. I am the _last_ person you want to mess with right now."

"Please." One of the heads growled back. "You're just-"

The fiery-eyed woman pointed to the lion, goat, and snake sections, and specifically threatened each one in order. "If you don't let them go right now, this is how it's going to go. You're going to be a rug in my kid's nursery, you're going to be hanging up in my dad's smokehouse and made into jerky, and _you're _going to be my new belt! You got that?"

The mix of wild beasts was massively taken aback. She was practically radiating pure fury at this point.

"Just who do you think you are?" The lion head snarled at her. It didn't like it when its food dared to be disrespectful.

"Wendy Blerble Pines. _That's _who." She boldly answered right back. "And that's one name you're not going to forget after today.

"You're easssssy pickingsssss!" Hissed the rattlesnake head.

"A two-in-one meeeaaaaal!" Bleated the mountain goat.

"Say that again." Wendy's emerald eyes blazed in defiance. "I dare you."

"You're not even that!" The goat fired back. "You're just an appetizer and a main course!"

"I can rip that morsel right out of your stomach and roast it before you can even blink." The lion head snapped with a spark of flame. Dipper and Mabel gasped collectively at the threat.

"You're not not getting anywhere close to her." Wendy wasn't threatening it. She was telling it.

"WENDY!" Dipper called out before he was sent sprawling with one swipe. The chimera cast both of the twins aside as it charged with a hellish chorus of hisses, blears and roars.

Wendy's am moved in a flannel blur before she flopped onto her back and out of the way just in time. The beast was now limping and letting out three simultaneous howls of pain in pain thanks to the hunting knife now lying freshly buried in its leg.

The twins hastily rejoined the battle. Mabel scrabbled for her grappling hook just as she found herself face-to-face with the hissing snake headed-tail. Immediately she pistol-whipped it, chipping one of its fangs in the process. Dipper hefted up the heaviest piece of wood he could grab, dashed it and brought his improvised club down hard on top of the goat right between its curving horns. Both these two heads flopped about limply in a collective daze. The lion bead was now wide-eyed with terror as it backed up against a tree.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" It started mewling. "It wasn't anything personal, just a guy trying to grab a bite to eat! I-I'm sorry!"

Wendy stormed up, dug her knife back out with a jerk of her arm, and cut it off mid-yowl when she unceremoniously socked it hard in the jaw. Three sets of eyes rolled into the backs of three heads, and the chimera collapsed in an unconscious heap. The angry redhead gave it a couple angry kicks for good measure before she decided she was through.

Wendy looked to her twins. A breathless Mabel flashed a wide-eyed stare of amazement before she flashed a toothy smile and a thumbs up. Dipper meanwhile resembled a cartoon character with the slack-jawed way he was gawking at his wife. The young man was stricken with an almost overpowering sense of awe as he gazed over her.

"I love you so much right now." He awkwardly blurted out before his brain would realize that his lips were moving. Mabel immediately cracked up.

"Course you do." Wendy flicked back her long scarlet locks and smirked playfully. "I mean, I _was_ pretty great back there."

She didn't cut a heroic sight for very long. Only a second later she let out a sharp gasp. The woman clutched her stomach as her legs almost buckled under her. Dipper moved like lightning as he caught her in time.

"Are you okay?" He began checking her over for burn or claw marks.

"_Phoebe_!" Mabel dropped to her knees in front of her unborn niece. "Sweetie, did you get hurt?"

"It's cool, it's cool." Wendy assured. "She's fine. We're both fine. I-"

The mother-to-be spoke too soon. She clutched her stomach and gasped. It was only after the major contraction finished ripping through her did she realize that they were now in a very unfortunate situation.

"...Dipper?" She grabbed her husband's hand. He only had to look into her paling face to know, and in an instant he went equally ashen.

"Please don't tell me-"

Mabel let out a squeal. "YES! Baby!"

One beat later she remembered that they were currently in a less-than-ideal location for this sort of thing, and and her excitement immediately turned to horror. "AUGH! Oh no, baby!"

She tugged her brown locks and began to babble with dismay. "Baby stuff, happening out here! Right now!"

"Oh, no. Oh, no." Dipper started shook his head so furiously that it was a miracle that he didn't break his own neck. "Oh no….Wendy, no…..no, this can't be happening!"

"I think this is happening." She contradicted him with a gasp. "Sorry, but I think Phoebe wants out."

Her husband took few deep breaths to steel himself. Much to everyone's surprise, especially his own, he was able to keep himself from falling completely to pieces on the spot.

"Okay…..oooookaaaay….it's….it's going to be fine. It's going be just fine!" He forced on a smile, and a frantic chuckle. "It'll be fine! Haha! It's going to be just fine! We're just going to get you back to the Shack niiiice and easy, we'll get into the car, and head off to Gravity Falls General."

"Yeah!" Mabel chirped optimistically. "I mean, this isn't a TV show or anything. Labor always takes at least a couple hours. Even short ones! That should give us oodles of time! We'll take our time, take it slow, and soon you'll be sitting in the delivery room, all ready to….uh….Wendy?"

Besides looking expectedly uncomfortable, she noticed her sister-in-law also looked distinctly embarrassed.

"...Wen-Wen?" The brunette asked again. "You okay?"

"Uh….." Wendy swallowed guiltily before she broke the bad news. "I….don't think it just started."

"Don't think it just started? What…."

"I think I seriously misread some signals."

"Wait….wait, NO." Dipper sputtered.

"Yeah." She nodded.

"No. No! No, no, no, no…..you mean…..wait, so you actually…..wait, not even triggered by the….." Things had officially gone from bad to worse so fast that he needed a moment until he could speak properly again. "You mean you were already in labor before we got attacked?"

"Yeah, pretty sure now." Wendy confessed. She watched her husband and sister-in-law's eyeballs almost pop all the way out of their skulls.

"Why would you not tell us?" Mabel yelped. "We're your family! All we want is that little baby out safely! Why didn't you tell us that you were getting contractions?"

"How is that even possible?!" Dipper yelled.

"I just thought they were bad cramps!" The tough-as-nails woman confessed. "Seriously, I did! C'mon, I've been aching nonstop all over for like, weeks now, and-"

"No, no, no, no, no! But we….no! No, no, no!" Dipper gibbered. "But….but we still have two weeks left before the due date! It's too soon for this!"

"Dipper-"

"No wait, we still have two and a half weeks!" He frantically recalculated. "That's over half a month! She can't….no, she shouldn't be….it's too early for this!"

Wendy yelped as a fresh contraction came on. She grabbed her husband's arm tightly and Dipper could only bite his lip and hope that she didn't snap the bones like twigs.

"Oooohh, she wants out…..she wants out soon, and she wants out bad." The almost-mother gasped.

The panicked twins looked to one another. They needed to kick into action, now. Mabel took out her phone and held it up high. She stomped her foot, and soon she was racing around and around, waving her arm.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon…..aaauuugggh! No reception!"

"Me neither!" Dipper checked his phone and cursed. His sister raced back over and the two worked out a Plan B in seconds flat.

"You stay here and I go get help okay?" Mabel babbled in one breath.

"Hurry!" Dipper yelled, like she actually needed any help getting going.

"I'll be back soon! Just keep your little sweetie inside for a little while longer, okay?" She pled, stumbling and tripping as she ran off.

"You hear that?" Dipper turned back to his wife. "We're going to be fine. Mabel's going to go-"

Clutching her stomach, his wife determinedly marched right by him in an obvious attempt to followed Mabel.

"Huh? Hey, wait!" Dipper tried to stop her, but she swatted his arm with a growl. Wendy didn't get very far though when another fierce contraction came on, and a nasty one at that. Again her spouse caught her just before she stumbled, and yet again Dipper was forced to grit his teeth as she squeezed him like a human stress ball. As soon as it passed, she pressed right on.

"Wendy! It's okay, Mabel's getting help."

"We're not staying here!" She snapped. Wendy was moving surprisingly fast considering her condition. Dipper raced around and blocked her path.

"It's going to be fine. We just need to stay here and wait."

"No! I'm not taking any chances!" His wife growled like a grizzly. Unfortunately for her, she had married one of the most stubborn men alive. She tried shoving him aside, but he wouldn't let her.

"Neither am I! Wendy, we're staying here!" He said, this time more aggressively.

"We're going!"

"No, you're staying put!"

"I'm. Not. WAITING!" Wendy screamed before she tried to barge her way past.

It was a case of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. To Dipper's shock, the same woman who had taken down a literal monster mere minutes ago was now in the middle of a full-on freakout. Not sure what else to do, the young man wrapped his arms around her tight in a desperate attempt to hold her in place. She thrashed and fought like mad, and nearly broke his grasp several times before she collapsed against him with a sob.

"It's okay." He gasped, hugging her close. "It's going to be okay."

"I just didn't want it to be like this!" Wendy cried.

"We'll be okay." Dipper assured as he rubbed her back. Yes, he was a walked bag of panic himself at that moment, but now was not the time to let it show too much.

"Not if we stay here! I can feel it. And Phoebe's…." Wendy broke away, whirled around and sent a small tree shaking as she punched it out of frustration."I wanted better for her than this!"

"Wendy!" Dipper grabbed her arm. His wife wiped at her teary face.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I….I just don't want her to be born out in the middle of the woods! Not out in the middle of nowhere! N-not like….not…." She took a hard swallow and unhappily forced out the truth. "Not like me!"

"Wait, what? WHAT?" This was all news to her wide-eyed husband. "But...but I thought you were born in the cabin?"

"No, just my brothers. I only wish that I was!" She shamefully confessed as she buried her face in her hands.

"Wait….wait, hold on!" Dipper tried to process this. "Why didn't you ever tell me any of this?"

"Can you blame me?" She asked. "After literally everything else with my family?"

His wife had a point. There was definitely nothing like a Corduroy upbringing. Dipper started rubbing her back. "But you could have told me that you were scared of this."

"But I seriously wasn't! I didn't think I had to worry about this at all!" She miserably explained. "Like, literally not at all! Not with you! C'mon dude, you've been so on top of everything. You had all your emergency plans, made us do those drills, and you even tried to get me to wear the stupid unicorn hair! I wasn't worried at all? How could I not think I was going to be totally fine?"

At this point she broke away and began storming about, ranting furiously all the well. "I thought that for the first time, _someone_ in my family was definitely going to be born in an actual hospital for once! With like, real doctors, and nurses, and not…."

She sputtered out a stream of curses before she returning to her fuming. "You want to know what happened to me? My dad took my mom and one last camping trip. Why? Beats me! But I came out, and there wasn't even a tent, or anything! But you know what was there? A live badger, that's what!"

"What?!" Dipper gasped. "Wait….What? What?"

"Yeah!" She affirmed bitterly. "A badger that my dad had to fight off because it tried to get me when I wasn't even an hour old! Seriously, they had me right into the middle of literally nowhere! We didn't even have a roof or anything over us when it happened, just…."

She grabbed Dipper and used him as a human stress-ball again as sharp contraction lanced through her. When it passed, she clenched her firsts and after swearing as hard as she could she vented to the sky above "I just wanted my kid to have better than what I got! Was that seriously much to ask?"

Dipper knew right then and there that he didn't have a choice for what was about to happen next. If this was what the love of his life and mother of their child wanted, then so be it. Even as a toxic brew of panic, fear and dismay bubbled away in his gut churning gut, he took a deep breath, did a few hurried stretches and dashed on over to her.

"Okay, let's go….one….two….three!" He loaded her up onto his back. His scrawny legs trembled like Jell-O under the initial strain. But with a heroic burst of effort he kept on his (if barely), clasped his family tightly and marched off. Wendy was so startled that it took her a moment to realize what had just happened.

"Dipper?" She clasped her arms awkwardly around his neck. "Wait, are you…."

"Hey, y-you said it yourself." Dipper wheezed. Already the sweat was beading thickly on his forehead. "We're not waiting around here…."


	48. A Little Too Soon - Part 2

"...Okay, my turn! I spy with my little eye, something…...old! And silly-looking!" Candy announced.

"The Shack! The Shack!" Her little "nephew" squealed from the back of her car.

"Wight theah, Aunt Candy!" His sister Gladys queaked as they arrived back from a trip to the playground, bringing their little outing to what felt like a perfect ending.

Said ending was spoiled five seconds later when a yelling blur flew out of the woods and pressed its face against the car window. Candy jerked back with a shriek. The tots in the back seat were startled for only a moment before recognition dawned.

"Hi, Mommy!" Finn waved. Candy scrambled out of the car fast as she could, with the children following after her.

"What happened?"

Her friend didn't even wait to catch her breath. At first all she could do was wheeze, pant, and squeak hoarsely, and this incomprehensible jumble of sounds went on for a while until she began to form actual words.

"...W-w…..w-w-w…..Woods! Th-they're in the woods!"

"Who?" Candy demanded.

"They're the woods, and needing help now! Help! Need the help, because in the woods! Thing is happening! Big thing! Gotta help in woods! Gotta get the two of them! No wait, three of them! Small one, ready to come!" Mabel was almost making less sense now.

"Who's in the woods? What happened?" her friend tried to decipher her babbling.

"Mommy, what happened?" Finn asked, and soon both twins were firing out questions.

"Who's in the woods?"

"Did you see a bunny?"

"Hey, where's Unca Dippeh and Aunt Wenny?"

"They 'kay?"

The brunette motioned for her friend to wait a moment while she handled them. She knelt down and tried to speak as comfortingly as she could, all while keeping the strain in her voice to a bare minimum.

"Hun-buns? We need you to stay here at the Shack with your grunkles and your Uncle Soos for now, okay? Aunt Candy and Mommy need to go get your Uncle Dipper and Aunt Wenny-"

"No you don't!" Gladys corrected her.

"Yes we do." Mabel stroked her head. "Don't worry, they'll be just fine. Everything's going to be just fine. We-"

"No you don't! Theah wight oveh _theah_! See?" She pointed. Mabel whirled around in time for a massive surprise. After running harder than he had ever done before in his entire life, with nothing but devoted willpower fueling his burning, sweat-drenched body at this point, Dipper staggered from out of the forest. He stumbled a few more yards before collapsing face-first, using his own body as an improvised cushion for his wife.

Mabel couldn't believe he caught up as fast as he did. "How…wait, how did you even do that that?!"

Dipper looked just as incredulous as her. "I….don't….know."

Wendy peeled herself off with a grunt, and her inquisitive niece and nephew immediately surrounded her.

"Aunt Wenny, you 'kay?" Gladys asked her aunt.

"You look like you gotta poop!" Finn loudly observed. "You gotta take a poop, Aunt Wenny?"

"Yeah! Looks like you gotta take a biiiiiiig poop!" His sister squeaked and spread her arms wide.

"Something big's definitely ready to come out." She grunted. Candy went ashen as she read the screamingly obvious signs.

"How long have you-"

"Waaaay too long." The redhead then let out another contraction-forced yowl. The commotion quickly attracted the rest of the clan outside.

"What's going on? Sounds like someone's hitting a cat against a-" Stan hobbled out, got a look and let the can of Pitt cola drop from his limp grasp.

"Wendy dude!" Soos barreled out. "Oh man, you okay?"

"Does it look like I'm okay?" She hissed, sending him backing up several feet.

"Not really, no." The teddy bear of a man honestly replied.

After recovering a scrap of energy, Dipper hauled himself up and swung back into action. "Okay, we're here! Let's go! Let's go! Candy, how fast can you drive?"

"I will burn all the rubber!" She vowed.

"Good! Alright, easy does it. Let's get…."

Wendy was about to climb in when she stopped. A horrified shudder raced down her spine as a terrifying realization settled in.

"Uh, Wendy?" Dipper fidgeted impatiently. "We should get going. Like, now."

"We're not going to make it." She whispered. She just knew. Everyone went silent with dismay, save for the kids.

"Make what?" Gladys chirped.

"What? No! No, of course we are!" Dipper gasped. "I-I got you here! Now Candy says she's going to drive us there, we're going to-"

"I'm sorry." For his sake, she so dearly wished she could tell him that they still had plenty of time. Unfortunately she had never felt so sure of anything. "I can feel it. We're totally not making it."

"No, we can definitely make it. Gravity Falls General isn't that far away-"

"It's far enough. This kid is coming like, right now." She grimly estimated right before another contraction. His niece and nephew's presence was literally the only thing that kept her from spitting out every curse known to man at once. "Ooooh, like, now-now."

"Are you sure?" Mabel checked.

"Yes. Now." Of course she wasn't happy with the situation. But if this was the curveball that life was going to throw her right now at top speed, then it looked like she was going to have to suck it up and roll with things best as she could. As usual.

Dipper was surprised when she gave him a quick awkward hug. "Hey, what are you-"

"Thanks for getting me somewhere with a roof and walls." She murmured. Then with a resigned sigh she staggered off towards the Shack.

"Wait! Wendy, what do you-"

"We're doing this here!" She declared, and nearly bowled over Ford when he finally appeared late on the scene. The old scientist watched her enter the Shack, then turned blankly to the others.

"Well, I wasn't expecting this today." He deadpanned as he watched Dipper tear by him.

"Mommy? What's happening?" Finn squeaked. Mabel dug every last dollar she had in her wallet and shoved it into Soos's hands.

"Hey, guess what? Uncle Soos is going to go take you for ice cream!" She said with a smile.

"I am?" He watched her wink repeatedly at him. "Hambone, you okay? I think something's wrong with your-oh, right! Right! Got it!"

Now that he had a mission, he saluted her, gathered up the cheering children and hurried off to his truck. Mabel grabbed her friend and hurried into the Shack, where Dipper and two old twins were following Wendy as she barged about.

"Wendy, stop!" Dipper desperately pled. "We can make it if we leave now-"

"We leave now, and the best we're gonna get is this kid popping out just as we make it into the parking lot." Wendy snapped. She took a moment to think back to all the home births she had witnessed in the Corduroy cabin. "Stan, where's the booze?"

"Uh, top shelf by the fridge." He gruffly replied. The young woman headed into the kitchen, fished out a bottle of whisky and took a hard swig.

"WENDY!" Dipper yanked it away.

"Hey, this is going to hurt like hell! What do you expect?" She snapped. The redhead then headed over to a drawer, riffling about, and yanked out a wooden salad tong. She bit down on it and nodded. "Okay, this'll do."

"No! This isn't the Oregon Trail!" Dipper yelped.

"Hey, I'm trying the best with what we have here, okay?" She snapped. "Look, we can't get to a hospital, so now we have to it the Corduroy way-"

"Or we can bring some of the hospital to you instead!" Mabel breathlessly arrived.

"What are you talking about?" Wendy watched her sister-in-law push her friend to the fore.

"Yes, what are…." Candy quickly figured it out. She straightened herself out and dutifully stood at attention. "Candy Chiu, nurse practitioner, at your service!"

Dipper gasped in relief as he remembered. But his wife steadied herself against a counter, and closed her legs tightly together. "NO."

"Yes! We've got ourselves a professional, right here!" Mabel shot back.

"No way." Wendy flatly refused.

"Yes way!"

"It's okay! I've helped doctors deliver three babies! So it's like I delivered one and a half on my own!" Candy boasted her track record.

"See? We have an experienced professional!" Mabel pointed out.

"_No_." The mother-to-be was a broken record.

"Didn't you just say we have to make the best of what we have?" Dipper pointed out. "She just told us she's literally handled this before."

"I'm not saying she doesn't have any idea or anything I really just don't want a friend looking around me-" Wendy yelped.

"It'll just be me doing my job! I'm not Candy now, I'm Nurse Chiu, medical professional!" She tried to ease the embarrassment.

"But-" Wendy yelped. The contractions were hardly apart anyway. This definitely wasn't the time for her to be stubborn. "Fine. Fine! Whatever, okay? Just….just make sure she gets out alright."

"Healthy baby, coming up!" Candy rolled up her sleeves. "But I'll need some help."

"Oooh, Dipper's read up the most on all of this!" Mabel immediately volunteered her twin.

"Wait-" He tried to get a word in.

"Okay, so you're my helper!" She deputized him as a midwife on the spot.

"What, no wait!" He broke out into an instant terror sweat as soon as this responsibility was thrust upon him. "But Mabel's actually been through this!"

"Yeah, but you've been reading up and studying this stop nonstop! And you already did all of that when my babies were on the way!" Mabel reminded him. "Remember? You got all super nerd uncle on me. Plus, you were right there when I delivered, so-"

"I held your hand! I didn't actually look or anything." He reminded. "Candy, this so does not make me anything close to any kind of-"

"DO WHAT SHE SAYS!" Wendy hissed impatiently. Mabel shot her twin an urgent glare before leading her sister-in-law off. A still-protesting Dipper followed Candy to the bathroom to go wash up. That left two old men awkwardly standing in the kitchen.

Ford's head was spinning from it all. The man had seen and experienced a lot over his life, but this clearly wasn't in any of his areas of expertise. Stan meanwhile seemed only slightly stressed as he gave his brother a nudge.

"Go get a pot." He ordered gruffly. "We might as well boil some water for 'em."

"Excuse me?" Ford straightened his glasses. "Wait….how do you know to-"

"What You think this is the first kid that's been born here?"

"...Uh, no. I didn't know anyone had been born here before." His brother replied after a long pause. Stan scratched his head as they got to work.

"Really? Huh." He started to reminisce. "Well long story short, before you got back I had a few tours that got real interesting…."

* * *

All was quiet in the little house, except for the soft rhythmic glub as the storyteller filled her water glass in the sink.

"Sorry Fee-Fee, I got little thirsty." She apologized to the eighteen-month-old lumped on her hip. Phoebe watched as her aunt drank it down with a quick chug and a gasp. "Ahhhh, there we go! Much better!"

Mabel then headed back to her overstuffed sofa in the den. She grinned lovingly at her niece, and gave in to the irrepressible urge to poke the baby on her button nose. "Boop! Okay, intermission is over. Anyway, so it was a real good thing that we listened to your Mama. I got her in one of my nightgowns, and it felt like we barely got her down before she started pushing. Ooooh, and let me tell you, you were giving her some serious mega-ouchies. So there we all were, with Aunt Candy keeping on eye on things and me and your Daddy Dippingsauce doing whatever we could to help, and your Mama…."

* * *

"...Go Wendy, go! Go, Wendy go! You got this! C'mon!" Mabel laid on the encouragement as fast and heavily as she could, doing her very best to make herself into a one-woman cheer squadron.

Meanwhile, her sister-in-law was squeezing her hand so hard it was a miracle it didn't squish like an overripe fruit. Wendy nearly ruptured everyone's eardrums with another howl, followed by a stream of curses.

"You got this, Wen-Wen! You handled the end of the world, you handled a billion monsters, now all you gotta do is pop out your little miracle! You got this!" Mabel still kept it up.

"It's okay, we're almost there!" Dipper stroked her head and babbled on, hoping that at least some of his reassurance was getting through to her. "Just a little more. You're doing great."

Wendy screeched something incomprehensible, let go of his hand and punched him in the shoulder. Even though the blow nearly sent him stumbling into the wall, he went right back to her side and took her fingers into his, which she started squeezing tightly again.

"That's fine, we're fine." He comforted her through gritted teeth. "Whatever you need. We're almost there…."

"Uh oh." Candy's suddenly exclaimed.

"Uh oh?" Dipper could feel his heart sink into his chest. Wendy's emerald eyes bulged.

"What's wrong?" The mother-to-be yelped. When she didn't get an instant answer she shrieked impatiently, "What's wrong?!"

"Not sure, but it looks like-" Candy tried to make herself heard, but was immediately drowned out by another animalistic howl from Wendy. Uh, Dipper! Little help is needed now!"

Dipper was more frightened than he thought humanly imaginable, but that didn't stop him from rushing over over to his friend's side. "What's happening?"

A few screams from Wendy and one blur later, suddenly she was there, right in his arms. The little thing entered the world without making so much as a sound.

"...Oh, uh…..nevermind!" Candy gasped with relief. "One baby, like Candy promised!"

And just like that, suddenly it was all over. There was no more panic, no more screaming, no more pushing. All eyes now silently rested on little lump of pink lying her father's hold.

"H-hi there." Dipper croaked, arms trembling.

"Phoebe…." Mabel clapped her hands to her mouth.

"Dipper?" Wendy looked and sounded like she had been hit by a train. As Mabel helped prop her up, she whispered hoarsely, "Is that…."

Nodding furiously, Dipper placed her into Wendy's outstretched arms. The dazed woman held her daughter to her chest and the two stared at each other for a few seconds, as if neither one was sure what to make of the other.

"Wendy?" Dipper whispered worriedly. She looked up at him through wet emerald eyes.

"Dude….check out what I just made." She managed to ecstatically joke right before bursting into tears. Suddenly she was practically glowing with joy. And as she wept with happiness, Wendy looked to the young man who had literally given her his very all that day. "Dipper?"

"Yeah?"

"I-I love you so much right now." She half-laughed, half sobbed.

Dipper was now smiling as hard as her. He leaned in, and after they shared a small kiss he chuckled wearily, "Well, I was pretty….p-retty great…."

So much for a perfect reply. His noodle legs began wobbling as he rapidly trailed off. Between fighting off a monster, running several miles while carrying his pregnant wife and catching his own newborn child, Dipper Pines had finally reached his limit.

"Dipper?" Mabel saw he was fading fast.

Ever dutiful to the very end, he forced himself to stay conscious long enough to check, "So, y-you two are good, right?"

His bemused wife looked to their healthy, wriggling baby and nodded.

"Good." He stopped fighting it and let himself faint, leading to a brief awkward silence.

"Uhhhh…..so, um….that's your Dad there." Wendy said to her daughter.

"Oh, come on!" Stan could guess what he just heard even from down the hall. "Did the kid seriously just-"

"Yeah, kind of!" Mabel put it gently on her brother's behalf. As she started hauling up her limp twin, Candy checked over Wendy and the baby.

"Maybe we should get you to the hospital now. Just to make extra sure you're alright." She suggested. She then glanced over at the unconscious Dipper and revised her recommendation. "Uh, to make sure all three of you are okay."

"Oh God, finally." Wendy grimaced as she staggered out of bed Her nurse tried to assist her, but the new mother waved her off. "It's cool, you've helped enough. I think I got this."

"You sure?" Candy hovered close to her like glue.

"After all that, I can handle a walk to the car." Said the ever-stubborn woman while she grabbed a flannel shirt. As she wrapped her baby up, she remarked, "Besides, not like I'm not used to carrying you everywhere already."

It wasn't all that long until they were loaded into Candy's car, with the jubilant nurse behind the wheel. Dipper slumped like a semiconscious rag doll in the passenger seat. Mabel meanwhile sat in the back, where theoretically she was looking after mother and baby but in practice was gushing nonstop like an absolute maniac over her brand new niece.

"...A wugga wugga woo! A wugga wugga wugga woo! Awww, who's a little sweetie? Hmmm? Who's such a little munchkin that I could just eat her up right now? Is it you? It is! Oh yes it is!"

"Mabes? You're blocking her again." Wendy chuckled. Her cooing sister-in-law had almost wedged herself directly between parent and newborn.

"I'm sorry but I can't help it! Look at her! She's...she's here! Here with us! I mean, she's been here with us, but now she's all like, here-here! Here outside of you, looking all tiny and precious and…..just here! She's here, she's here, she's here, she's with us and….." Mabel clenched her fists and let out an ecstatic squeal.

"I know, it's crazy. Man, I didn't think it was possible to love anything like this ever." She marveled as she cuddled her new daughter to her chest. "Even after you hurt Mama like hell."

Phoebe let out the faintest of squeaks. Wendy grinned and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, I'm talking to you, cutie."

After hurriedly firing off a text to Soos, Mabel clapped her hands and excitedly vowed, "When Daddy Dip wakes up, I am totally cashing in an old favor, big time. He owes me."

"Favor?" The enraptured new mother asked distractedly. Her sister-in-law grinned.

"Let's talk middle names for this little lady, shall we? I'm personally thinking of along the lines of something that ends in '-abel'…"

* * *

Phoebe Mabel Pines had only nodded off a few minutes before there came a gentle knock at the front door. Waddles IV oinked and trundled on over just in time to meet two familiar faces as they let themselves in.

"Hello?" Dipper made sure to keep his voice down.

"Hey there!" Mabel sat up with a grin. "How was date night?"

"Dinner and Go-Karts were awesome, thanks." Wendy chuckled. Her attention went right to the dozing baby lying slumped in her aunt's arms like a redheaded little doll. "How long has she been out for?"

"Not long! She actually managed to stay up longer than my own little crazies. Again." Mabel giggled. "That's okay, it was nothing that storytime with Aunt Maymay couldn't finally fix."

Dipper knew immediately. "...You told her how she was born again, didn't you?"

"Sure did!" Mabel confirmed with her usual cheery lack of remorse.

"Oh my God, Mabes." Wendy laughed.

"Hey, what's the big deal? It's got everything! Suspense, action, adventure, a heartwarming ending…." She nudged her twin. "And a little bit of humor, too!"

"Next time maybe you could try a new-" Dipper tried suggesting.

"Nope, too late! It's her favorite story now and forever!" Mabel grinned at the unconscious little lump. "It always puts you down, doesn't it Fee-Fee?"

"So you like hearing all about how Mama almost had you out in the middle woods, huh?" Wendy leaned down and lovingly teased her daughter. "You little weirdo."

"At least we weren't around to hear it. I still get sore all over when I listen to…." Dipper stopped himself when he realized what he was saying. Despite his obvious and instant regret, Wendy still elbowed him hard in the side.

"That story makes YOU hurt? Really?"

"Nope, not at all!" He hurriedly walked it right back. Both the girls snickered at his fast-spreading blush.

"Okay, so let me get just this straight. It wasn't that bad?" Wendy pried mischievously.

Now that he was rightfully put on the sport, Dipper fidgeted. "Yeah, I mean, not compared to….you know. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't think before I said it. Nothing new there, right?"

It was too late. Yes, she loved him dearly, but now she had to make him pay. "Oh, really? So if all of that really wasn't that bad, then maybe you won't mind…."

She lunged at him with a cackle. Dipper turned tail and bolted back out into his sister's front yard, but Wendy easily caught up and threw herself right onto his back.

"What are you even….?!" He half gasped, half laughed under the sudden weight.

"Epic piggyback, the sequel!" Wendy whooped.

"Wendy….W-Wendy c'mon!" Dipper wobbled about the little lawn like a drunk. .

"Let's go!" She let out a mock labor-groan. "Let's go! This baby's due any minute now! Let's go dude, it's hero time!"

Dipper didn't last long until he toppled over and brought them both down into a messy heap. As they laughed like mad and struggled to untangle themselves from one another, Mabel giggled as she watched the two the safety of her front step.

"Little weirdo…." She loving repeated her sister-in-law's words to her niece and broke out a fat grin. "Well of course that's what you are….you joined this family, now you gotta fit in with it…."

* * *

I was originally planning to post this next week, but then I realized today was Friday the 13th. Can't get a date that's any Gravity Fallsier than that, so I felt obliged to put this up a little earlier than I anticipated.

And if anyone is curious/confused as to what Mabel is talking about before the return to present-day, go read (or re-read) about Phoebe's first appearance in one of the first Future-Pines fics, "To Honor."

Fun fact: I am overly neurotic about making sure I stay in canon with my own overly elaborate AU.

Thanks again as usual for all those who read! - **SGA**


	49. The Explanation

Here's another little something that's been lying around as a rough draft for a while before I finally cleaned it up. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten _Christmas with a Corduroy. _I can multitask!

In case reference is needed for this chapter on Mabel's former husband/her kids' father, go read my one-shot _Never Alone_ \- it was one of the original Future-Pines stories that was posted separately before I realized it'd just be a heckuva lot easier to start uploading them all together into the ongoing _Pines Will Be Pines_ compilation (apologies for not coming to said realization sooner).

As usual, reviews, remarks, criticisms of all shapes and sizes are appreciated, and most importantly, please enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"...Do we have a daddy?"

Finn of course meant no trouble. They had merely been enjoying dinner in front of the TV when a commercial for a beach resort came on. The image of a nuclear family happily splashing about in the waves together was barely there for a second. Yet it was all the stimulus the four-year-old needed to turn around and drop the innocent question, and his mother almost immediately started choking on her pizza.

As she struggled to work it down her throat, Mabel's mind raced. The question, while sudden, wasn't entirely unexpected. She had thought about this inevitable moment many times before. Actually,"thought about" would be putting it lightly, and almost criminally so. "Dreaded" would be far more accurate. After all, for her little twins' entire lives their voluntarily absent father had been nothing more than a name on a monthly support check. He had been out of the picture for ages, having run out in a cowardly panic before she was even halfway through her pregnancy.

Panic started to bubble up in her chest. She had long guessed that she probably wasn't going to feel ready when this moment finally came. However, she never expected to feel as excruciatingly unprepared as she initially did at that moment. Mabel could practically feel her heart smashing against her ribcage as both her children now curiously looked to her with their innocent bright brown eyes.

Thankfully she wasn't alone. Fridays after all were always family pizza night at her house. Her flustered twin brother leaned over on the sofa and pat her back, and her sister-in-law hurriedly muted the TV.

"Mommy?" Gladys piped up worriedly. Mabel finally swallowed down the pizza with a gasp. Hurriedly she threw on a weak facade of a smile.

"S-sorry, Mommy just took too big of a mouthful." She fibbed as she wiped her face. Her brother handed her some water.

"Mommy? Do we have a daddy?" Finn didn't miss a beat. Like most of his mother's personality, the little boy had inherited her at-times relentless curiosity.

"Lotta people have mommies and daddies!" Gladys chimed in.

"Yeah!" He nodded to his sister and turned back to their parent. "Do we?"

They continued waiting for their answer. Mabel opened her mouth, but not so much as a peep came out. She was so wound up that she was temporarily drawing a complete blank. The young woman must have thought about this question a hundred times, and mentally rehearsed all her possible answers to herself just as much. But right now no matter how hard she searched her brain, she came up empty.

The tense silence that followed was almost suffocating. Dipper could plainly see that his sister wasn't doing well. Hastily he cleared his throat and attmpted to field the question himself.

"You see, sometimes a….you see, there are times when a…..a mom is….." Before he knew it, he had already overthought the delicate subject. Now his answer was trying to go several different ways at once. "Sometimes a….no, no wait….uh, you see, I mean….."

Wendy rolled her eyes. She then knelt down on the floor with the kids and tried to take over. "Okay guys, sometimes, when a….uh….."

She almost immediately stopped. It was only then did it hit her that she had to go about this extremely carefully. Their niece and nephew were only four, after all. The lanky woman shot her husband an apologetic look as she hurriedly tried thinking up a decent approach. Meanwhile the tots were looking increasingly confused as all the adults kept stalling. Dipper awkwardly attempted to rejoin the discussion.

"So when a man and a woman love each other very much at first, then….wait no, hold on, it's not always that. Um….okay, so when-"

The couple's embarrassment thankfully had not been in vain. Mabel's mental freeze finally thawed. She grabbed her brother's arm. Dipper into her eyes and immediately knew to zip his lips and withdraw from the discussion, as did Wendy. Mabel took a couple deep breaths as she got down off the sofa and joined everyone on the carpeted floor. More than anything in the world, they needed to hear this from her.

"Mommy?" Finn piped up yet again. "Do we-"

"I know, I know. Mommy heard you." She stroked his head and put on a weak smile. The anxious mother needed to take another moment before she felt ready. She could do this. At least, that's what she hoped. "You see, sweeties, there's all different kinds of families out there."

"There are?" Her son said curiously.

"That's right." She nodded.

"Like what kinda families?" Gladys chirped.

"Allllll different kinds. So there are some families have mommies and daddies, yeah. But some families have only a mommy. And some families have only a daddy." She looked up to her sister-in-law."Right?"

Wendy quickly realized she was being given a cue, and it was pretty obviously why.

"Oh! Yeah, right." Of course she was willing to her part, and then some. She took out her phone and one search later she had dug up a recent Corduroy family photo that she showed the kids. "My family only had a dad when I was growing up. Remember?"

"Oh yeah! I 'member." Finn squeaked and nodded.

"And that's some of the ways people make their families." Mabel continued on. "There are also some families that are made of two mommies. And some have two daddies. You know that, right?"

"Yeah! Tammy's got two daddies!" Gladys remembered one of her friends from preschool who fit this example perfectly.

"Uh-huh, just like that." Mabel nodded. "And some families...well, they don't have mommies or daddies. But they all still love each other and care for one another, so they still count. So see? There's all different kinds of ways to make a family. And so we made our family with you two and a mommy. A mommy who loves you very much."

She gathered them into her arms for a group hug, and anxiously added for good measure, "She loves you very, very, very, very, very much."

And like that, she was done. Short and simple, just like she planned so that they had the best chance of understanding it all. Again, that's at least what she hoped for. She held her breath and anxiously awaited their reply.

"Wait, no!" Finn suddenly broke away. His mother felt a sharp pang of dismay, as did his aunt and uncle while they watched on.

"Uh-huh. Our family's you two and me-" She tried to gently remind him them.

"No it's not!" Gladys now piped up. "Youah missin' someone!"

Dipper and Wendy both prepared themselves to step in if needed. Mabel meanwhile tried to keep her tone gentle and calm in spite of her growing anxiety. "Remember, there's different kinds of families. And ours is you two and me-"

"And! Waddles, Mommy! We have us, you, and Waddles!" Finn pointed out. The tot seemed genuinely incredulous that she could forget the fat little pig lying curled up in his bed nearby. The young mother let out a gasp, and a fat smile sprang to her face.

"That's….that's right. That's right! " She leaned over and gave their pet a scratch behind his ears. "Our family has two of you, one mommy, and a Waddles too! Very good sweetie!"

"Nooooo!" Gladys almost looked annoyed. "Mommy, youah still fogettin' people! We got way moah than that! We gotta Uncah Dippeh!"

"And a Wenny!" Finn added.

"Yeah! Oooh! Oooh! And also….!" His sister excitedly raced on over to where their one and a half year old cousin was currently sitting snuggled in Wendy's lap. Phoebe let out a startled squeak at first, but then let her cousin squeeze away. The little one knew it was no use fighting her older cousin's brand of aggressive affection. Gladys beamed while she lovingly nuzzled the little girl. "We also gotta Phoebe! The best Phoebe!"

"And Grandpa! an' Grandma! And Uncle Soos!" Finn started bouncing on his feet. "And a Gregrunkle Stan, and a Gregrunkle Ford…."

"That's right!" Dipper congratulated his nephew. "They're all family too."

"And a Aunt Candy!" Gladys chimed in.

"Yup, she totally counts." Wendy nodded to her little niece.

"And a Aunt Gwenda! And a Aunt Paci!"

"Huh." Wendy realized something. She glanced down to her own daughter. "You guys have a lot of aunts."

"We also have you, Aunt Wenny!" Gladys prodded her nose. "Boop!"

"I already said Aunt Wenny!" Finn reminded her.

"Well….we also gotta Auntie Melody too!" The little girl remembered after a little bit of thought.

"Wow. Like, a lot of aunts." The redhead remarked.

"Yeah!" Finn nodded furiously in happy agreement.

"That's right! You're both one million percent right!" Mabel cheered her children on. "You have your aunties, your uncles, your gregrunkles, and together we alllll make one nice big crazy family!"

"Big crazy family!" Finn jumped into her lap.

"Big, big,big familyyyyyyyy!" Gladys whooped and hugged her mother's neck.

Mabel fell back, and the trio descended into a laughing heap. The young mother's relief knew no limits at that moment. However, even though the entire affair had lasted only a few minutes she felt completely wiped out. The emotionally exhausted woman let her little ones giggle and crawl all over her for a little while longer before she excused herself for a much-needed break.

Hold on, hun-buns. Mommy needs to….um…." She cooked up a fib that hopefully wouldn't arouse any suspicion from her tots. "IIIIIII….I think I want to get some more pizza."

After she left the room, Dipper dutifully excused himself as well. "You know what? I think I need another slice too."

"Sounds good." Wendy nodded. She clapped her hands and grabbed her niece and nephew's attention. "Alright, who wants to help me find something good to watch? There's gotta be at least something decent on tonight…."

Dipper found his sister in her kitchen gulping down a glass of water. "Mabel?"

She motioned for him to wait a until she finished with a gasp.

"You okay?" He checked.

"Yeah, we're good…..I think. We're good, right?" She sounded unusually cautious as she nodded back to the living room. "Like, definitely good on all that?"

"You did great." Dipper pat her shoulder and grinned. "Way better than I would have handled it."

She giggled weakly. "You did try and handle it. And you turned into the Mayor of Mumbletown."

"I'll be the first to admit that I made absolutely zero sense back there." He confessed with an embarrassed laugh, and his sister tittered again. "Seeing as how things kind of got awkward back there...think this might be as good a time as any for an awkward sibling hug?"

"Comforting awkward sibling hug?" She asked hopefully.

"I think that goes without saying." He spread his arms and she squeezed him tightly. As per their ritual he added, "Pat, pat."

"Pat, pat." She huskily whispered back. There was a stray tear or two, but she was able to wipe them clean on his shoulder. Never one to be half-hearted when his twin was in need, he held the hug until she finally felt ready to let go.

"You did great." He made sure to remind her as they broke the embrace. "You're doing great."

She wiped her eyes again and nodded with a small but growing smile. "Yeah…."

"You're a good mom, Mabel." Her brother told her with nothing less absolute sincerity.

"No, I'm not." Her modesty left Dipper momentarily puzzled before she then scoffed "I'm the _**best**_ mom. Didn't you see what I did back there?"

Already she was making one of her famous speedy recoveries, and as far as her brother was concerned it was a welcome return to form. He chuckled. "I saw it."

"Uh huh! Froze up, but then bounced back and handled that like a total parenting pro! I mean, you heard it. I already had it all rehearsed and everything! Nothing's ever going to…."

They grabbed another slice of pizza each for appearances' sake. Even though it was only a short trip back to the den, Mabel managed to get in quite a lot of boasting in that little span of time. Dipper nodded an all-ok to Wendy when they rejoined the rest of the clan, who flashed a wordless thumbs-up.

"Still looking for something good to watch." She remarked before Finn took the remote and pushed it into his cousin's tiny hands.

"Give Phoebe a turn!" He demanded. "Phoebe needsa turn!"

"Yeah! Phoebe's tuwn!" Gladys asserted. "We all had a twy!

"Okay, okay." Wendy gave in to her niece and nephew's adorable demands as she guided the remote. "But if we didn't find anything good, I'm not sure-"

"Buh!" Phoebe mashed a few buttons until the channel changed. Her mother was pleasantly surprised by the results.

"Hey, Duct-tective! Nice!" She proudly pat her daughter's head. "We need to let you pick more often."

Dipper let out a mock-disappointed grown when he noticed the title character's green head and brown feathers. "Aw, but it's the sixth one."

"So?" His wife asked.

"First Duck-tective was the best by far."

"I dunno. The third one had his moments." Wendy opined with a chuckle.

"The original was pretty good, but the fifth was definitely the greatest one, hands-down. He rocked out that adorable little head crest." Mabel plopped herself back on the floor. No sooner had she done so when her children scooted close on either side without delay. As far as she could tell, they seemed to have forgotten all about their earlier conversation.

Unfortunately, the clan were only able to watch their show for about a minute before the next commercial break. Just their luck, an ad for a certain resort came on and once again it flashed a familiar shot of an idyllic scene of a mother, father and two children splashing about in crystal-clear waters. All the adults got major deja-vu when Gladys turned and gazed up inquisitively at her parent.

"Mommy?"

Dipper tensed up from head to toe with dread. Wendy meanwhile had started muttering deep under her breath, "No, no, no, no…."

Mabel put on a tight smile as she bravely faced her child. It was going to be okay. She could do this again. "...Yeah, Glad-Glad?"

Time seemed to stand uncomfortably still. The little girl fidgeted with her antennae headband for a moment before she asked simply, "Can we go to the beach?"

Wendy and Dipper shared a collective sigh of relief, and together they earned a bemused look from their baby daughter. Mabel meanwhile burst out snorting with grateful laughter as she wrapped an arm around each toddler and dragged them close. In a flash her lap became incredibly crowded, and she didn't care one bit. The children's squeaky giggles filled the room as she adoringly nuzzled them and dotted their rosy cheeks with kisses.

"Course we can, honey!" She giggled. "We'll go swimming, look for cool seashells, build the best sandcastle in the entire world….you, me, your brother, Waddles, your uncle and auntie and cousin…it'll be the whoooole family…."


	50. Red

Coming to you today is a piece that was suggested to me by Effervescent Dreamer.

And whooo, the big five-o! Well, for this compilation at least. It's not technically the fiftieth Future-Pines story. And whoa, I so definitely did not at all expect to be here with this AU of mine when I randomly posted the first story for it some time back. But if you folks out there are still reading and earnestly enjoying them, then right now there's nothing stopping me from continuing to write them!

Confession: The previous installment was actually supposed to be the the big fiftieth chapter. However, I could help but upload it early because I felt like it in so well with the start of the holiday season last week. And now today's story simply has to follow it because…..well, you'll see pretty soon.

As usual, all reviews, critiques, spelling/grammar mistake point-outs, and future story suggestions are warmly welcome! - **SGA**

* * *

"...We're heeerrrrre!"

Mabel parked out in front of her brother's apartment complex with a singsong announcement. Her twins cheered excitedly as they piled out of the car. They had a big morning ahead of them. After spending yesterday at the beach, they now had some serious scrapbooking to do, at least if they want to properly preserve all the new happy memories, which of course they did. Mabel had made sure that they were more than prepared for the task ahead after taking a quick stop at the arts and crafts store on the way over.

"Okay, just a sec. Mommy needs to-" Before she could take out the freshly-purchased craft supplies, her giggly offspring squirmed around her and enthusiastically dragged out a bag each. She laughed. "What are you crazies doing?"

"We're helping!" Finn joyously declared.

"See? Helpingggg!" His twin sister sang.

"You sure are!" Mabel laughed adoringly. She pat them each on the head, grabbed another bag, hefted out Waddles IV and together her branch of the clan trooped up to the apartment. The young mother knocked with a bubbly cry, "Hellooooo? Anyone home?"

It was all just a formality. Before anyone could actually answer she took out her spare key, opened the door wide and let her whole crew spill on in.

"Hey guys." Her sister-in-law sat up in the sofa with a grunt. Wendy was definitely cutting quite the sight thanks to the fact that the color of her hair and skin were currently matching. Unfortunately, it wasn't because her husband had just presented her with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, and neither was it because she was feeling horribly embarrassed. She wished it was either one. Even feeling humiliated would have been far more preferable to the horrific sunburn that currently coated her normally fair-skinned body from head to toe. The young woman practically looked like a steamed lobster.

"Aunt Wenny!" The little twins cried in unison and enthusiastically rushed her without a second thought.

"Whoa, hold on!" Mabel tried to herd them back, but they had already zipped out of her reach.

Wendy speedily realized she was being targeted for their usual tackle-hug. She shot to her feet in a panic. "No, no, no, wait! Guys, wait!"

They skidded to a halt and finally noticed that their aunt was still painfully scarlet from the day before.

"Oh nooooo!" Gladys gasped. "Wenny, youah still sunbuwned?"

"Juuust a little bit." She understated. Wendy was far less dressed than usual, wearing only shorts and a swimsuit top. Although it painful for anyone just to look at her, it also meant less fabric of any sort irritating her constantly stinging red skin. She had also tied up her normally free-flowing hair into a bun to keep it from brushing against her enormous burn.

"I knew you'd probably still be a little pink. So I picked up some aloe vera for you at the store! See?" Mabel kindly showed off the overstuffed shopping bag full of over a half dozen bottles of lotion before she put it down on the coffee table.

"Sweet. This should be enough to get me through until lunch." Wendy joked weakly. "Thanks, Mabes."

"No problemo! You holding up okay?" The brunette fussed.

"Best as I can. All I've been doing is just sitting around trying not to touch literally anything." She sat down a little too hard on the couch and shot right back to her feet with a hiss. "Ow, ow, ow….ow."

"Yeah, it's been kind of rough around here so far today." Dipper appeared cradling his daughter in his skinny arms. "Sorry, we were taking care of a dirty diaper."

"No problemo, broseph!" Mabel's smile grew-extra large for her little niece. "And hi there, sweetie-pie! How's my little Fee-Fee doing?"

Despite taking physically after her mother, the baby's skin was as nice and soft and fair as ever despite all of yesterday's fun in the summer sun. But even though the little freckle-faced redhead was completely and comfortably burn free, Phoebe was unhappily sulking up a storm as she clung to her father like a baby koala.

"Uh-oh! What's wrong?" Her aunt cooed and tickled under her chin. Mabel was surprised when she didn't get so much as a squeak. "Whoa, what the?"

"Me." Wendy winced as she got up. "That's what's wrong."

"Huh? Wendy, you're talkin' cray-cray! There's barely even any pink on her. You did an awesome job keeping her sunscreened yesterday!" Mabel gushed. "Okay sure, maybe you went a teensy tiny bit overboard and forgot to take care of yourself. But at least your little sweetie is barely cooked!"

"She might not be fried like me, but now she has literally no idea why I don't want to hold her at all today." The bright-red redhead explained as she walked over.

"Uh oh." said Mabel.

"Uh oh is right. Annnnd looks like here we go again." Dipper observed unhappily. On cue Phoebe turned around and thrust her arms out at her mother.

"Mama? Mama!" Tiny fingers managed to sweep Wendy's scorched arm, and the lanky woman hurriedly stepped back a pace.

"Sorry, cutie. I told you, it's gonna hurt reeeaaal bad for Mama if I have you crawling all over me." She tried soothing her by stroking her head. Phoebe whined in protest and made it very clear that wasn't at all what she had in mind.

"Mama!" She kept insisting, putting the stubbornness she had inherited from her father on full display. "Mama! Mama!"

"Trust me, I hate this just as much as you do." Wendy said guiltily.

The tot let out a frustrated whine. Wendy meanwhile silently cursed her pale-skinned Irish forebears.

"It's okay-" Mabel tried patting her sister-in-law's shoulder. The lanky woman automatically tensed up with a gasp of pain.

"Mabes?" She asked between tightly gritted teeth. "Pleasedon'tdothat."

"Oopsies! That was all Mabel's bad!" She apologized. However, if there was one thing that Mabel Pines didn't like, it was gloomy moods, and the current one was no exception. The living personification of positivity got right to work setting everything on a more cheerful track. "It's gonna be okay, you'll feel better soon enough! And better an achy mommy then a burned and angry baby, right?"

"No argument there." Wendy agreed. The baby could be challenging enough when she was just cranky or hungry.

"Plus, it was totally worth it for allllll our new memories from family beach day yesterday!" Mabel declared. "I mean, talk about an awesome day! Like that a-may-zing sand castle we all made, all the cool stuff we found on our walk in the sand, when Uncle Dippingsauce got buried in the sand…."

"And the big naughty wave!" Gladys chirped. Mabel giggled, and this even got a hearty chortle out of Wendy. She passed a grin to her husband, who of course remembered the freak tidal wave that came along with after his niece and nephew had literally just finished burying him up to his neck.

"I swear, I can still taste the whole ocean." He mumbled.

Wendy snickered so hard she somehow managed to aggravate her burn. "Ow, ow…"

"See? All totally worth it! And now we're gonna get to relive that day allll over again! C'mon, it's scrapbooking time!" Mabel grabbed the art supplies and bounced into the kitchen to set things up. Soon it sounded like she was rearranging far too much in there than was possibly necessary.

"Whoa, what are you even…." Wendy headed in.

"Mabel? Mabel, hold on!" Dipper hurriedly settled Phoebe down on the floor. "Hey! Mabel!"

No sooner had her uncle left when Gladys flung her arms around Phoebe, and Finn joined in too. After all, as the offspring of Mabel Pines neither one could imagine a fate worse than being unable to hug someone, so this of course like the quickest fix to their beloved little cousin's mood. Together they also took care to bombard her with a hail of sunny reassurances.

"Poor, poor Phoebe. Don't worry!"

"Yeah, it's gonna be okay!"

Usually Phoebe would always squirm whenever either of them snared her in an aggressively affectionate squeeze, which was literally every single time they saw their beloved baby cousin. But this time she just slumped between them with a whimper. The siblings were clearly going to have to do better. Perhaps some distractions would help.

"C'mon! Let's play!" Finn squeaked. He raced off to fetch a brightly colored ball and rolled it across the room. The baby just motionlessly watched it come and bounce off of her. Gladys gathered every stuffed toy she could find and made them do silly dances. But the baby didn't even crack so much as the faintest trace of a smile. Next the two siblings joined forces and tried a barrage of funny faces, silly sounds and tickling. But nothing seemed to work. As they took a small break, Phoebe turned towards the kitchen and whined again.

"Mamaaa….."

The twins turned grimly to open another. It was even worse than they thought. This was going to take swift and drastic action.

"How do you fixa sunbuwn?" Gladys got straight to the heart of the matter.

"Uhhhh…..oh! I 'member!" Her brother darted to the bag still sitting on the coffee table. "You make it better with the alooberra!"

"Oh yeah! Okay, so we get Aunt Wenny to put it on, and….uh oh. We still gotta wait then, wight?" The girl''s brow furrowed concernedly. "It needs time to wowk!"

"Maybe….maybe not too much time! Like if she puts lots and lots of it on allll at once!"

"Yeah! Yeah! And maybe Phoebe can help hew, so it's kinda like she's giving hew mommy a…." Gladys trailed off as she and her brother were both struck by a burst of creative inspiration. The two looked to each other, and matching smiles slowly spread across their rosey-cheeked faces.

Meanwhile things were taking an interesting turn in the kitchen. Mabel had emptied an impressive amount of sea shells out onto her brother and sister-in-law's kitchen table as she explained the other family activity she had in mind for the day.

"...And so we're going to take all the seashells we collected, then we glue them together to make it look like the castle we made yesterday! Pretty smart, huh?" She beamed proudly at her own creativity.

"Mabel, did you clean _any_ of these?" Dipper dubiously examined one. A hermit crab answered that question by poking its head out, and the young man hurriedly dropped it.

His twin laughed. "Guess I forgot!"

"Oh, man!" Wendy was still taking care to keep clear of literally everything around her as she leaned over for a quick whiff. "We seriously need to soak these in bleach or something. They reek like-"

"I wouldn't get too close to those." Dipper warily pushed her back. She of course yelped loudly in pain as soon as he pressed his hand against her exposed stomach.

"Ow! Dude, c'mon!" She elbowed him hard in the side and immediately made things even worse for herself. "OW! Son of-"

She chomped down hard on her lip just in time to stop at last a half-dozen swears from echoing through the apartment at top volume.

"Sorry! I'm sorry!" He husband sputtered apologetically. Uh, ice pack?"

"Yeah," She nodded vigorously. "That-"

"Aunt Wenny! Aunt Wennyyyyyyy!" Their niece suddenly called from the living room.

"We got somethin' for youuuuu!" Finn yelled. Waddles then trundled on in with half a dozen stuffed animals balanced precariously on top of his back.

"Uh, thanks?" Still nursing her stomach, Wendy laughed and knelt down for a closer look. "So what's th-"

"NOW!"

A little dripping white blur raced in and latched itself onto her neck with a small splatter. Wendy shot straight back up with a major start. Wet squelches filled the air as two more goopy attackers followed and grabbed onto her legs.

"Gaaah!" She shuddered as the trio all tightly grasped onto her. "Wait-"

"MAMA!" Phoebe squealed happily. Like both her cousins she was freshly coated in several bottles worth of lotion, completely covering her from her flaming red hair, down her dress and all the way to her little legs. She was so thoroughly doused with the stuff that despite her tight hold the aloe vera almost made her greasily slide right off. Thankfully her mother's reflexes kicked in and the older redhead grabbed onto her. The baby laughed and buried her head under Wendy's neck, messily spreading even more of the soothing lotion over sun-baked skin.

"...Wow." That was all Dipper had to say after he first took in the sight of the lotion-drenched children, then glanced into the living room at all the empty bottles now littering the floor. That, and a loud chuckling snort.

"Oh….my….." Mabel interrupted herself in mid-exclamation with a happy squeal, followed by another, and another. Soon she was absolutely beside herself as she bounced from foot to foot in an impromptu dance of pure delight.

As copious amounts of aloe vera now dribbled all over her fried body, a bemused Wendy was still busy processing her current situation. "...What the?"

"See Aunt Wenny?" Gladys looked like a goopy white ghost, and a very triumphant one at that. "We're helping!"

"We're helpinggggggg!" Finn cheered. "Lookit!"

Wendy's lotion-drenched niece and nephew both proudly beamed up at her from below, while her own goopy little daughter continued to chirp contently in her arms. She felt a little bit of relief, but that of course was mixed in with some fresh stinging thanks to the kids' close contact with her tender skin. But no force on earth, especially some measly discomfort, could stop the appreciative smile that swept across her face.

"Yup, you totally are, guys...you totally are..."


	51. Be Careful

Just a little something silly to start off everyone's week. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

The late afternoon found Candy Chiu happily hanging out on the back porch of the Mystery Shack, surrounded by little ones. This was a fairly scene during the summer months, as she absolutely adored any little bit time that she could get with her little "nieces" and "nephew." As usual she had headed straight over immediately after she had gotten out of work, and hadn't even stopped to change out of her nursing scrubs.

"...Okay, so what's her name again?" She playfully asked. The tiny twins had explained it to her twice already, but were still more than happy to once again describe the new "friend" they had recently "made."

"Hew name is Pincess Awesome-Udders!" Gladys chirped.

"Such a pretty name!" She marveled.

"I got to name hew! We waced for it, an' I won!" The little girl's chest swelled with pride.

"And what's she look like?" As Candy chatted with the little twins, baby Phoebe contentedly dozed off in her arms.

"She's a cow! A BIG cow! Really big! One of the biggest cows EVER! In the whole, wide, WORLD!" Finn spread his arms as far as he could stretch them.

"And where does she live? In the biggest pasture ever in the whole wide world?" She kept indulging them with silly questions.

"Nope! She lives wight neah us." Gladys's star antennae bounced springily on her head as she skipped about.

"Yeah! See? She's right there!" Finn pointed to nothing.

The hyper-creative little tots amazed Candy to absolutely no end. They had grown up watching their mother and uncle match wits with all kinds of creatures, ghouls and abnormalities, and somehow they still felt the need to invent an imaginary friend or two.

"Oooohhh, Aunt Candy gets it!" She winked.

"It's gweat!" Gladys scampered over to where the family pet pig was sleeping on the old weatherbeaten sofa. The little girl beamed as she gave Waddles IV a big hug. "Now we have cows AND a piggy!"

"Yes, you're getting a great big happy farm!" Their "aunt" smiled.

"Snack Express, pulling into the station! Wooo-wooooooo!" Mabel chugged out with refreshments. "We all having a good time out here?"

"Oh yes! They're telling me all about their new cow-friend." Candy laughed. Her friend cocked her head.

"Who?"

"You know, Princess Awesome-Udders! Their invisible cow!" She winked. To her surprise, Mabel didn't immediately join in on the silly fun. In fact, the smile vanished right off her face, and a concerned expression instantly took its place.

"Oh….okaaayyyy….be back in a sec." She hurriedly put down the plate of apple slices and carrot sticks and hurried off inside. A minute later she returned with her twin and sister-in-law following at her heels. Candy immediately noticed that all three of them were looking very wary.

"Hun-buns?" Mabel gathered her kids to her. "Hey, sooo….can you tell Mommy how long Princess Awesome-Udders has been around?"

"We met her just this morning!" Finn squeaked.

"Uh-huh….so, is she here right now?" She gently asked.

"Yeah! She's over there!" The again pointed to nothing. His mother and uncle walked on over to check it out. Dipper took out a small scanner that clicked and crackled as he waved it through the air.

"I'm not picking up anything here." He announced with relief. There wasn't a detectable trace of ghostly energy around. His sister took out a small crystal hanging from a small silver chain and examined it closely.

"Me too!" She joyously chirped after noticing no change. "No sign of dark mag-"

Her brother suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. It was like he had walked smack into a wall, except that there wasn't any wall. Dipper stumbled back and cautiously felt about the supposedly empty space in front of him.

"What the-"

All hell suddenly broke loose. An unseen force suddenly sent the young flying several yards. Mabel shrieked and leapt aside after a blast of warm air was snorted directly into her face. Wendy instinctively charged right in with hatchet swinging. An angry grunt sounded out from out of the blue. An unseeable something bowled the redhead over. Large hoof prints now rapidly appeared in the ground as it headed straight towards the porch in an obvious rage.

Candy however wasn't going to just flee for her life. Not with the children. The feisty woman picked up the plate of snacks, dumped the fruit and veggie assortment off it and smashed it against the wooden porch. With a now very awake and confused Phoebe held tightly to her chest and the little twins huddled behind her, she aggressively slashed the air with a ceramic shard.

"Back! Back!" She warned with a snarl. "Back, or I cut you! Back!"

Again and again she jabbed and slashed. Dark grooves appeared in the soil as the unseen danger slowed down to have some serious second thoughts. This gave the older twins a chance to counterattack from behind. Dipper ran into it shoulder-first, while Mabel wildly grasped until she tugged something that felt suspiciously like a tail.

A furious bellow rang out, and the siblings both quickly and correctly guessed that they were about to get chased. After a frantic sprint (made all the more terrifying by the fact that they had no idea what was pursuing them) Mabel wrestled out her grappling hook, grabbed hold of Dipper and aimed high. In a flash both were nestled high up in a nearby tree. However, they weren't safe yet. The entire trunk started violently shaking as if it was being repeatedly attacked by a ghostly battering ram. Brother and sister clung on tightly to the branches for dear life.

"GET HELP!" Dipper yelled.

Wendy sprinted off into the Shack for expert backup. In record time she returned carrying an old man slung across her wiry shoulders.

"What's going on?!" Ford demanded for the fourth time since his great-niece-in-law nabbed him from his basement lab a mere thirty seconds earlier. He then took one look at the chaos and got an instant read on the situation. Once he was on his feet he dug a large pistol from beneath his sweater. Candy herded the children away.

"Sunglasses! Sunglasses time!" She hurriedly sang just in case things got too graphic. On command both Finn and Gladys clamped their hands tight over their faces while she meanwhile threw her hand over Phoebe's eyes.

Thankfully, Ford only fired off a large tranquilizer dart. Unfortunately it just that went flying harmlessly into the woods. The old man cursed. "Missed!"

"Hold on!" Thinking quickly, Dipper started shaking one of the branches. Mabel hurriedly followed her brother's example and together they sent down a shower of pine needles. Many landed on the ground, but quite a few seemed to stop seemingly right in midair, and took a curious shape as they did so. Now that he had his target's outline, Ford speedily emptied his entire clip of tranquilizer darts. There was a sleepy grunt, followed by a heavy thud.

"...What was that?" Candy demanded as soon as the madness came to an end.

"Wild invisi-bull." Ford holstered his weapon as he explained. "They live up in the mountains nearby, but occasionally they'll wander down here."

He saw the look on her face and confirmed, "It's exactly what it sounds like."

Mabel was so anxious to get to her twins that she forgot to grab Dipper before lowering herself back to the ground, leaving her brother to clumsily climb down by himself. She raced over, dropped down to her knees and the very first thing that she sputtered to her tykes was a breathless reminder, "What are we supposed to do?"

"Sowwy, Mommy." Gladys squeaked, but that wasn't good enough for the dutiful parent.

"What are we supposed to do when this happens?" Her twins fidgeted anxiously, and she had to repeat herself one last time. "What do we do when as soon as we meet special 'new friends' like this?"

"Tell." Finn finally spoke up.

"Tell who?" The brunette asked.

"You." Gladys chirped. "Or Uncah Dippeh. Or Aunt Wenny, or anotheh adult."

"And when do we tell them?" Mabel doubled-checked just to make sure.

"Right after we meet the new friend." They both looked guilty as could be as they chorused the answer. Satisfied, Mabel gathered them close. Once she had her precious tykes in her arms, the young mother quickly began to settle down.

"Yes! We tell Mommy or someone else. Remember?"

"That's right. We tell someone immediately. Good job." She took a deep breath as she nuzzled them.

"Sowwy."

"Sorry, Mommy."

"It's okay, Mommy's not mad, she was just scared. Don't worry, we'll remember next time. It's okay, we're fine now….allllll fine."

But despite her assurances, in fact not everyone was fine. Now that she had gotten over her shock, Candy looked embarrassed. "Sorry, Mabel. I didn't know. Or...should I have known? Is this a thing?"

"Huh? Oh, no, no, it's okay!" Mabel was quick to comfort her.

"Yeah, sorry, this was definitely our bad. We should have told you that this is the new protocol with 'imaginary friends'." Dipper made sure to add air quotations as he limped up and joined the group.

"Protocol?" She repeated.

"Uh-huh. We had a crazy scrape with one about a month back. We thought they were just making up 'Mister Always-Smiles' until….." Wendy shuddered. The recent memory ended up unsettling her so badly that she needed to take Phoebe and cuddle her one-and-a-half year old like a stuffed animal. "Man, you think by now demons can't possibly freak you out that much anymore. And then something like _that_ starts hanging around the kids for a whole week before you figure out what's going on and...uugggh."

"It….wasn't fun to deal with." Dipper understated, leaving the assuredly unpleasant details for another day. "So, from now on, the rule is to be more on alert. Usually it's just their imagination, but when it's not….it tends to get bad."

"Got it. Aunt Candy will now be on the alert for any new imaginary friends!" She vowed faithfully, topped off with a salute.

"You're already doing awesome with that save back there, Aunt Candy. Up high!" Mabel heartily congratulated her friend. A couple yards away, Ford was inspecting the unconscious animal that had been wreaking havoc mere minutes before.

"Uh, are you sure you should be doing that?" Dipper anxiously called to him.

"Oh, it's fine. We've got about a half hour before this wakes up, at the least." He slipped on heavy gloves and carefully traced them around it's invisible bulk. "Doesn't feel like it's hurt or anything….odd….I don't know what else would have gotten it so irritable. Usually these things are pretty docile."

He looked to his niece and nephew, who just shrugged. Only Candy noticed the way that the baby twins had started to fidget. A knowing smile crept across her face as she got right down to her new duty.

"Are there any other new friends you need to tell us about?" She pried. At first neither of them said anything, but then she added, "Remember, what do we do when we make new friends like this?"

"We tell someone." Finn sheepishly answered.

"Maybe she was wowwied about hew mini-moo." Gladys piped up. "She should be awound heah."

"Is that what I think-" Dipper tripped over what looked nothing more than empty air and fell flat on his stomach. Candy groped about the space until she distinctly felt a head.

"Mystery solved!" She cheered as she gave the unseeable obstacle a comforting pat.

"Uh...yeah, that'll do it." Ford quickly figured it out.

"You are on fire today, girl!" Mabel high fived her triumphantly beaming friend.

"Aunt Candy does what she can." she said with a sweet but proud smile.

"You okay?" A chuckling Wendy asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dipper shot an annoyed look at a patch of seemingly empty space. It mooed shrilly and proceeded to start licking his face with its rough invisible tongue. "Oh, c'mon!"

"Sorry." Wendy dug her phone out, and soon she was filming the whole spectacle as her husband's face was quickly soaked with spittle.

"Only in this family." He groaned as he tried in vain to fend his affectionate attacker away.

"Yup." Wendy agreed as she unapologetically continued capturing the moment. She even cracked to her baby daughter, "Check it out, kiddo. Your Dad's making new friends too."

"Mommy? Is the mini-moo hungry?" Gladys asked. Mabel ruffled her daughter's hair and giggled.

"I told you this already, silly. They're called calves…..."


	52. The Word of the Day

Here's a silly little drabble I wrote a few weeks back and has been sitting around in a folder. Special thanks goes out to ddp456 for helping supply quite a few suggestions for this one!

As usual, enjoy!

\- **SGA**

* * *

"...It's okay, you're fine. Aren't you? Who's my brave little guy? Huh? Who's my brave little guy?" Mabel cooed. The little pig sitting in her lap with her in the passenger seat couldn't say anything back, but at least he could wriggle his rump and grunt. This was more than good enough for the young woman, who grinned and scratched him lovingly behind his pink and brown speckled ears.

"You are! You're my brave little guy! Yes you are! Yes you arrre!" She giggled. Their driver couldn't but chortle at the sweet spectacle right next to him.

It had been a very successful trip to the veterinarian. The last time she took Waddles IV, he had squealed bloody murder while they administered a shot, run around and around the office in a pained panic immediately afterwards and had terrified the daylights out of her two little twins, who weren't even two years old yet. This time however Mabel had wisely enlisted her family for extra help, and things went much better. While Dipper had gone with her to the appointment to help her distract and hold down the little pig, the baby twins had avoided the risk of trauma entirely by staying home with their aunt (who was always more than happy to kick back with "her crew," as Wendy liked to put it).

"Thanks for all the help today, bro-bro! I owe you one!" Mabel chirped after he finished parking in the driveway of her modest little one-story home.

"Don't mention it." Dipper replied. Together the trio headed in through the garage.

Once back inside, they found the rest of their clan curiously preoccupied. Wendy was busy sitting up and down on the sofa. Each time she raised and lowered herself, she took care to say, "Okay, I'm gonna sit now….see?"

"Sit!" Finn repeated for her.

"That's it, kiddo. This is sit." Wendy smiled at her little nephew, then turned to her toddler niece. "Okay, your turn, cutie. See this? I'm gonna sit again."

"Sit!" Gladys replied.

"Uh-huh, right! _This_ is what we mean when we say sit. Sit. Got it?" Wendy was so focused on her lesson that she didn't notice that her husband and sister-in-law were back. They got to watch her continue on like this for a full minute before Mabel couldn't possibly stifle her giggles any longer. The redhead quickly recovered from her surprise with a laugh. "Oh, hey."

The tiny twins looked up and immediately scrambled over to Mabel for a hug. Their adoring mother dropped down to her knees and squeezed her tots close. "Hello my babies!"

"That was pretty fast." Wendy remarked. "Vet went well?"

"Sit!" Finn squeaked out loud and happily.

"According to Mabel it did, so I'm just taking her word on it." Dipper replied truthfully.

"You okay?" His wife laughed at the troubled look that briefly graced his face.

"Yeah, I just…..yeesh." The young man winced. "I didn't think pigs could scream like that. I didn't think anything could scream like that."

"Sit! Sit!" It was now Gladys's turn to squeakily interrupt.

"Don't worry, he's fine now!" Mabel pointed to her pet, who had beelined for his bed and happily curled up already for a nap. "He just doesn't like getting all jabbed in his parts. You think that was nuts, you should have seen what it was like last time-"

"Sit!

"Siiiiiiit!"

The children kept barging into the conversation with shrill yells as they now raced excitedly around and around the room.

"So…..teaching them a couple new words?" Dipper asked amusedly.

"Uh-huh. Aunt Wendy decided to hold a little lesson while you guys were gone. Isn't that right?" She smiled as Finn toddled up and hugged her leg.

"Wenny!" He squeaked excitedly at her. "Sit!"

"Wenny, sorry. And you're the boss." She ruffled his hair and sat back down on the sofa. The child looked confused until she clarified, "This is sitting."

"Sit?" He repeated after her. "Sit!"

"Right." She pointed to herself. "See? Like this."

"You're being pretty thorough here." Dipper observed, and that was putting it lightly. To be more honest, his wife actually seemed to be going overkill trying to drill this lesson in. After all, the little twins were at the age where they were now picking up new words left and right these days.

"Yeah, looks like my babies totally nailed this one." Mabel declared with a great deal of parental pride. "Boom! Vocabulary expanded!"

"Just want to make sure they get the meaning down." Wendy shrugged. "Remember how they super confused when…"

She was covering her tracks masterfully. The crafty woman probably would have gotten clean away with it had not Gladys started tugging excitedly at her mother's sweater.

"Mommy! Mommy!"

"What's up, hun-bun?" Mabel switched her attention.

Her daughter raced off and pretended to trip over the nearest toy. After landing on her stomach, she made the angriest expression she could, pounded the floor and yelled out at the top of her lungs.

"SIT!"

The older twins quickly figured out the very unfortunate word that the babies had actually been trying to repeat this entire time. Both looked straight to Wendy in perfect sibling unison. Busted.

"Uh,….sooo….maybe I kind of wasn't watching where I was stepping and wiped out pretty hard." She looked down at her little niece and said sarcastically, "Thanks a lot."

Gladys smiled from ear to ear before happily mispronouncing yet again, "Sit!"

"Wendy, why….?" Dipper tried his best to sound believably stern. The dutiful uncle felt like with the children right there he had to at least make an honest attempt. But laughter fought its way out the moment he opened his mouth, and he cracked up with a painful snort. Mabel didn't even bother trying to fight the urge back, and she exploded into the giggles.

"Hey, c'mon! I'm trying to fix it!" Wendy defended herself.

"Wen-Wen definitely gets an A-plus for effort!" Mabel congratulated with a hearty high-five. "Oh yeah!"

"I mean, I guess." Dipper conceded.

"Oh it's going to be fine! We just gotta finish up the lesson!" Mabel waved her arms until she got her tots' attention. "Hun-buns, over here! See? See Mommy? She's going to sit down now!"

The young mother folded her knees beneath her and sat down on the floor. "See? Yaaaaay!"

"Sit!" Gladys pointed and repeated.

"That's right, sweetie! That's allllll your Aunt Wenny said earlier." She winked to Wendy as she enthusiastically fibbed. "She was just yelling about taking a nice seat something."

Finn flopped onto his belly, and as he hit the floor he yelled out, "Sit!"

"No, no, not like that. Definitely not like that." Dipper seated himself on the carpet and joined in. "See, buddy? Like this. That's all we're talking about here…."

Mabel nudged Wendy and flashed her a toothy smile of assurance.

"Don't worry, we can definitely fix this!" The ever-optimistic woman declared with total confidence. "They're young enough to make it work."

"Awesome." Wendy grinned back. "Seriously, as long as I can avoid a repeat of what happened with my brothers-"

"Sit! SIT!" Gladys happily squealed, and as she tossed herself into her uncle's lap, Dipper shot his wife a look.

"All three of them?" He asked concernedly. Wendy needed a moment to think it over.

"Think so, yeah." After her casual confession, she could instantly tell that he definitely had more to say. "What's up?"

"Uh….I was just thinking….you know, maybe we should think about like….maybe a swear jar or something?" Her husband tried to gently suggest. She immediately laughed the whole idea off.

"No way."

"Well just in case-"

"C'mon, I think I've learned my lesson at this point." Wendy shot back. Dipper wasn't fully convinced. As much as he loved her, he couldn't overlook the fact that his lumberjill wife had something of a mouth on her. And the family tidit she just let slipped wasn't very reassuring to the neurotic uncle either.

"You just told me all three of your brothers-"

"I'm not some little kid trying to copy my Dad. I finally figured out I had to be more careful around some people. This was just a little accident tonight. Isn't that right, kiddo? "

"Sit!" Finn squeaked.

"Right on." She then let out a raspy cough.

"You okay?" Mabel asked.

"Yeah, just a little dry in the throat. I've been doing this lesson thing almost since right after you guys left. Hold on a sec." She excused herself and headed off to the kitchen. Her baby niece excitedly toddled along in tow.

"Sit! Sit!"

"Yup. That's what butts are for, cutie." The aunt made sure to remind the tyke as she sauntered off, leaving the older twins alone. Dipper and his sister exchanged looks.

"You don't think that would be going overboard or anything...is it?" He asked her opinion.

"Wellllll," She hesitated thoughtfully while she gathered her little son into her lap. "Maybe we should just wait and see if we-"

They certainly didn't have to wait long. There an ear-splitting crash from the kitchen, immediately followed by a sharp hiss of whisper.

"Wendy?" Dipper checked. "Are you okay?"

"It's cool, I'm fine." she answered back. "I just dropped a-"

Gladys came charging back into the living room. Her eyes sparkled brightly with excitement thanks to the brand-new addition to her vocabulary.

"Puck! Puck!" She thankfully mispronounced. "Puck puck puck PUCK!"

"Puck! Puck!" Her brother was more than happy to copy her. As they chirped back and forth at one another, a dull thud rang out from the kitchen. It sounded like someone had thumped her head against a cabinet in despair.

"Son of a-" She silenced herself in time.

Dipper and Mabel silently looked at one another as they processed this new development. Both quickly erupted with fresh laughter.

"Seriously?" He chuckled and shook his head. "Seriously?"

"Looks like it!" Even as she giggled like an immature tween, Mabel quickly took the responsible course of action. "Hey, Wen-Wen?"

"...Yeah?" The embarrassed reply fluttered back.

"Mama Mabes is thinking of instituting a new policy around here-"

"Waaaaay ahead of you." Wendy's cheeks nearly matched her flaming red hair as she emerged holding a glass jar freshly picked from the recycling bin. Shen handed it to her-sister-in-law, got out her wallet, and took out a couple dollars. "I think fifteen should cover me for tonight."

"Sounds good!" Mabel chirped. She took the jar and jokingly waved it at her tots. "Check it out! Mommy's got a start on your college fund!"

The kids weren't listening. Gladys was too busy gathering up her stuffed animals and dropping them, and as each one hit the floor she made sure to joyously yell her new phrase. "Oh, puck! Oh, puck!"

"Puck!" Finn continued to imitate her. He scooped up his toy truck and let it tumble out of his hands. "Puck!"

"Oh, man." Dipper couldn't stop chortling no matter how hard he tried. "So...back to damage control?"

"Like we have any choice right now." Wendy gathered the two tots to her. "Let's go guys. Come to Aunt Wenny."

"Puck?" Gladys squeaked. The aunt sat down on the floor and commenced into the second lesson of the day.

"Yup, puck. That's exactly what I said." She smiled as she lied right to their adorable faces. She looked to the older twins for back-up. "Right?"

"Right." Her husband agreed.

"See sweeties," Mabel started to explain. "In hockey there's a little black thingy that….."


	53. Odds and Ends

Happy new year, folks!

This installment is an assortment of some of the random drabbles and snippets I've written. In short, these are some of the various scenes that can't fit into larger stories, but I wrote them down anyway to get the ideas out of my head I may post another batch of these further on down the road.

Also for those who might be interested to know, ddp456 is helping me organize another separate multi-chaptered story. Hopefully chapter one of that will appear by the end of the month!

\- **SGA**

* * *

**"The Artist"**

Dipper's face crumpled with ambivalence. He genuinely didn't know what to feel about any of this. While he tried to make up his mind, his paint covered-sister meanwhile beamed brightly at him with anticipation.

"Soooo? What do you think?"

"I...uh…." The young man scratched his head. There was no denying the exquisite craftswomanship that she had poured into the wall mural before him. The enchanted forest scene that she had created felt so vibrant and lifelike with its array of vivid colors that it felt like he could actually step into it. However, one key detail kept him from giving it wholehearted approval.

"Okay, so….you want to tell me just why?" He jabbed a finger at the galloping figure in the lower right.

"What?" Mabel laughed. "You don't like being a centaur?"

"Honestly? Not one hundred percent." He admitted. The mighty stallion half of the creature clashed awkwardly with its skinny under-muscled human half. Dipper self-consciously rolled down his shirt sleeves to cover up his noodle arms. "Couldn't you have at least bulked me up a little?"

"But if I did that, it'd spoil the realism!" Her reply completely flummoxed him.

"Realism? Mabel, you painted me as a half-horse."

Unfortunately Dipper was in the minority. The big grin on his spouse's face signaled loud and clear that Wendy was completely on board with Mabel's creative liberties.

"This kicks ass." Wendy chuckled. She happily marveled at the redheaded half-woman, half-fish that was rising out of a gorgeously painted lake wielding a shark-bone axe high above her coral-crowned head.

"Thanks! I knew you'd love being a warrior mermaid princess." Mabel smirked. She then leaned over to chat eagerly to her sister-in-law's bulging stomach bump. "See how awesome your Mommy looks? It's neat, huh sweetiekins?"

"Phoebe's probably cool with it." Wendy assumed.

"Then that just leaves Lord Party-Pooper here all by his frowny lonesome." Mabel poked her brother in the side. "Don't lie, bro. You know this is amazing."

"I'm not saying it's not good. It is….most of it, at least. But when we asked you to paint the baby's room I was kind of expecting clouds in a blue sky, or...or rabbits in a field, or…" Dipper shrugged. "I don't know, just something else."

"What, you mean do something cliched?" His sister laughed. "No way!"

"Fine." He relented. "But if you're going to include us on this, why do we have be the sideshow?"

Without a doubt, center stage of the mural was dominated by a creative self-portrait of the artist. Mabel had depicted herself as a sparkling fairy princess, complete with a beautiful pair of wings that were made completely redundant by the fact that she was soaring through the skies riding on the back of a flying half-unicorn, half pig creature.

"Because this is an educational painting!" Mabel boasted, and her sister-in-law proceeded to let out a laughing snort.

"Educational? What's this even supposed to teach the baby?" Dipper asked.

"What else?" Mabel swelled with pride. "That her auntie's the best, of course!"

* * *

"**Misheard"**

Mabel wasn't sure what had happened. One moment both her children were happy and as excited as could be, just like they always were on Pancake Saturdays. They had been chatting away with her while she prepared a tasty breakfast when suddenly Gladys started filling the kitchen with piercing heartbroken wails. In a flash she had gone from perfectly content to near-inconsolable. Her startled mother left the half-mixed bowl of batter on the counter and hustled over to the table.

"Hun bun, you okay?"

"What's wrong?" Finn was just as confused about what was going on. His sister wiped her eyes and whimpered piteously at him.

"We don't….we d-don't get any...any sywup!" She lamented.

"What? Of course you do, you little silly!" Mabel waved the small glass bottle of golden brown liquid. "Weren't you just listening? I just told you, Mom bought this specially at the store for us! We're all getting the good stuff today!"

"The good stuff!" Finn threw up his arms and cheered excitedly. "We get the good stuff today!"

"That's right! Mmm-mmmm, nice and one hundred percent pure!"

"One hundred percent!" Her son repeated right after her again. The eager-face tot turned back to his twin. "See it?"

"But...b-but…" Gladys shook her head as she sobbed back. "That's….th-that's not foh us! That's Mommy's sywup! We...w-we don't have any!"

Mabel needed a moment to parse the child's logic. When she figured out, she needed to give her little girl an adoring hug right there on the spot. She simply couldn't stop herself.

"Aww, Glad-Glad!" The young mother giggled uncontrollably. "No, no. What I bought for us is maple syrup. Ma-PLE…."

* * *

"**Clean-Up"**

"I'm home!" Dipper announced as he entered the apartment. "Wendy?"

"Hold on one sec!" He heard a muffled reply. The bathroom door opened and Wendy emerged carrying a towel-wrapped baby baby lumped on her hip. She greeted him with a smile and a quick kiss. "Hey, doofus."

"Hey." Dipper was honestly a little confused. Wendy was still dripping wet as she stood there in only a blue towel draped around her. He knew that Phoebe liked to splash about when she got washed, but never had he seen anything like this. At first he thought he was looking at the aftermath of a mild clean-up disaster. "Uh, so did bathtime get crazy or something?"

Wendy laughed. "Nah, we're fine. I just took her in with me for a quick shower. We were both reeking pretty bad when I picked her up from daycare."

"Oh. So how'd that go?" He asked with a curious smile.

"Pffft! I have no clue why I never tried this earlier. Easy in, easy out, nice and clean. Plus she handled it all like a little boss. Whole thing was a breeze compared to bathtime." Wendy gave the baby a playful toss. "It's that right, cutie? Think we should do more two-for-one deals like this?"

Phoebe's laughter suddenly grew alarmingly husky. She started to cough, and then so started hacking so hard she sounded like she was about to explode. But before her panicked parents could take any action, she drew back her head and forced out a sopping scarlet hairball. The disgusting missile bounced off her father before landing with a soggy squelch. But as soon it was all over tot seemed perfectly fine, and even a little relieved. Unfortunately now it look like someone had deposited a drowned squirrel on the floor.

"...Ugh." Dipper went to go get a paper towel to clean the mess up.

Wendy's freckled face had fired up with a bright blush. As she readjusted her long dripping locks as far away from the baby as she could, she remarked softly to her daughter, "Guess that's a no…."

* * *

"**Prepared"**

It was as low-key a summer evening as one could possibly ask for at the Mystery Shack. As a heavy rain pounded the roof, several of the Pines clan relaxed together in the den. Stan had taken up his usual spot in the old yellow recliner. His great-nephew sat at the table, while Mabel lounged in an improvised pillow-nest with her little ones and pig lying spilled around her. All were calmly watching a cheesy B-movie when Mabel detected the faint rumble of thunder in the far distance. She sprang into action.

"Be back in a sec!" She excused herself before briefly leaving the room. Upon her return a few minutes later, Dipper immediately noticed the definite change in her outfit.

"What is that?" He asked curiously.

"Oh! You've never seen this before? It's my Storm Sweater!" It definitely wasn't like her other hand-knit creations, to say the least. The black lightning bolt-imprinted garment hugged her arms and neck just fine. However, the rest of it hung so loosely against the sides of her body that it looked like she had been in a terrible liposuction mishap. Mabel didn't seem to mind in the slightest actually performed a proud twirl before sitting back down. "Like it?"

"It's….kind of baggy on the sides, don't you think?" He said honestly.

Moments after Dipper made the obvious observation, the peak of the storm announced its arrival with an earsplitting crack, followed by a mammoth boom. Squeaking in fight, Finn and Gladys immediately scrambled for the nearest refuge. A heartbeat later Mabel had two little lumps quaking beneath her spacious garment. The crafty mother wrapped an arm around each hidden tyke before shooting her brother a smirk.

"I think that it fits just right."

* * *

**"Bedtime Story"**

Wendy had been dozing next to her husband on the sofa when Dipper's ringing phone roused her out of a light sleep. As she groggily stirred awake, her husband took one look at the name and quickly answered.

"Hey, everything okay? Uh-huh….oh yeah, sure. Yeah, it's no problem. Gimme a sec, let's switch to video…"

With experienced ease he and his twin speedily made the transition from their respective ends of the call. Mabel's grinning face soon popped up. "Hey bro-bro! We're ready when you are!"

"Okay, I'm ready." Dipper replied. His twin hovered her phone above a brightly illustrated book The young man started reading it out loud from partway across town. Every now and then he would switch his voice into a deep throaty rumble whenever the story's main character spoke.

"...Oh no! Me eat all the delicious cake! Now me have nothing to bring to the party …."

Every now and then he could hear one of the little twins giggle as they happily listened. Wendy wasn't that much better than their niece and nephew, and. she barely suppressed her own chuckles.

"...And everyone on Sesame Street thanked him for making it one of the best parties they ever had. The End." Dipper wrapped things only a few minutes later.

"Thanks again!" Mabel put the book down and reappeared on screen. "We all appreciate it!"

"Anytime."

"Okay babies, time to Board the Slumbertime Express! Say night-night to Uncle Dipper! Night-night!" She turned the phone camera and focused it onto her two-year-olds. The little ones waved furiously.

"G'night!"

"Night, Unca Dippeh!"

"Good night guys." Dipper smiled and bid adieu. The video call finally ended, and as he put his phone aside a laugh from Wendy finally alerted him to the fact that she had taken part in Story Time too. Immediately he fired off an apology. "Oh, sorry! Did I wake you?"

At this point Wendy was smiling like an idiot, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She'd watched him do this countless times, and it still hadn't lost any of its charm. She let out a half-yawn, half-chuckle while she motioned for him to calm down. "Relax, it's fine."

"Okay… sorry." He repeated for good measure. "The kids wanted me to-"

"I know, I know." Wendy curled up close and turned him into her human pillow. Before plopping her head down onto his shoulder, the snickering woman gave her dutiful dork a quick kiss on the cheek. "And I can't really blame the twins….you do an insanely good Cookie Monster…."


	54. Backfired

Here's an admittedly odd idea that popped into my brain after the last episode. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

Date night looked like it might have hit a potential snag when Wendy's phone suddenly started to vibrate. As she fished into her purse, she didn't even need to look across the table to know that her husband was tensing up.

"Relax. I'm sure it's totally fine. " She coolly assured him.

"Mabel said she wouldn't message us anymore unless it was an emergency." Dipper anxiously reminded. She laughed off his concern.

"And you actually thought she'd follow through?" Wendy looked at her phone and broke out into a fat smile. Just as she had expected, all was well. "Awww….check it out."

Whenever she babysat, Mabel was incredibly prone to sending photos of moments that the adoring aunt felt were far too cute to keep all to herself. Tonight's cuteness interruption was a picture of two four-year-olds, one baby redhead, and a small pig all lying curled up in a dozy huddle on the carpeted living room floor, all tuckered out after some serious playtime. The photo came with the accompanying message of "Couldn't help myself. Not sorry for sending this."

Despite his best efforts to fight it, Dipper let out a loud chuckle. "Okay, she gets a pass."

"Definitely." Wendy raised her glass. "To a low-key night out."

"To a low-key night." He gladly toasted her back. After taking a sip of wine each, the two returned to both their meal and their previous conversation. "So did you figure out the fungus that's been messing up those trees on the north side of the city?"

"Yeah, looks like it'll be okay. I just had to cut a bunch of infected branches to keep it from spreading…."

Wendy paused for a hefty forkful of pasta, which included one particularly long fettucine strand. When she found it dangling from her mouth, she passed a quick look around the little Italian restaurant and then tried to covertly slurp it down in one go. The noodle whipped up and smacked her right in the face before an alfredo-covered end snagged in a lock of her hair. The couple shared a look. Dipper then threw his napkin over his mouth while she chomped down hard on her lip. Together they just barely avoided making a scene as they struggled to fight the urge to burst out laughing like a pair of teenagers.

"Bet you're stoked to be out in public with this classy lady here, aren't you?" Wendy pointed to herself and the smear of white cheese sauce on her freckled cheek.

"Wouldn't want to be with anyone else but my dream girl." Dipper chortled.

"Thanks a lot, Romeo." She rolled her eyes before taking another sip of wine.

"But you are." Dipper realized he had a prime opportunity to kick this night out up a notch. A grin crept across his face. "Did I ever tell you that I actually have proof?"

"What, did you use the scientific method or something?"

"You remember when we had to go free my sister from Mabeland?" He asked.

"The whole world tucked inside a big shooting star bubble hovering above Gravity Falls? Nope, doesn't ring a bell." She joked. "Go on."

"Well, remember how that place wasn't just whatever Mabel wanted? It gave us everything that we desired the most too. That's why it reunited Soos with his Dad, let you run wild at school, and it gave me…." Dipper grinned at her. It took her a moment, but her eyebrows raised when she finally caught on.

"Wait...are you telling me…."

"Uh huh. It wasn't a lifetime apprenticeship with Ford, a Nobel Prize for science, or even a little bit of muscle in my arms. When my greatest desire showed up, it was nothing but regular you." He then added, "Well, not the real you, just a magical fantasy, but it almost passed for the real thing."

Wendy at first looked genuinely touched, and for a moment. Dipper thought he had hit a homerun with the compliment of all compliments, But then he saw the mischievous spark in her emerald eyes.

"...And so _then _when happened?" She pried with an snicker.

"Uh…." It soon became apparent that he hadn't thought this through at all. Wendy almost spit out some of her wine when he froze up like a deer in headlights.

"Uh oh…." She cackled. "Did my little dork get a little naughty?"

"What? No!" Dipper's face went flush.

"Yeah, right! So what color bikini was she wearing? Red to match the hair? Or was it green?" She playfully batted her emerald eyes at him. Wendy of course knew the answer to all these questions already, but that wasn't stopping her anytime soon.

"There wasn't anything like that!" He sputtered.

"Ooooohhh," She laughed. "So she was-"

"No, I meant there was no bikini She was fully clothed!" Dipper hurriedly clarified. "I just said she looked like the regular you! Jeans, flannel shirt, hat, and everything!"

"Did you get at least little kiss from her?" Wendy smacked her lips.

"No, I figured out she wasn't real."

"Aww, I bet she got huffy when you left her." His wife chuckled. "You little heartbreaker."

"No, she left. Kind of."

"She doesn't sound like she was doing a great job as a fantasy then." Wendy remarked.

"Well, she didn't like, walk off. After I figured it out, she turned into a bunch of insects that-" Dipper at this point had gotten so flustered that he let the creepy truth tumble out before he even knew what he was saying. He clammed up two seconds too late. Silence descended on the table. Wendy didn't look like she was in the mood for affectionate teasing anymore. Now she just gawked in shock.

"...Wait…._what_?"

"Nothing." He lied.

"No, that definitely wasn't nothing." She put her glass down and looked him straight in the eye. "What did you say she did?"

"Turned into a big bunch of insects that all kind of...scattered." He mumbled. Another brief but painfully awkward quiet blanketed the couple.

"So….hold on and just let me get this straight. Your biggest desire was for me to be some kind of...some kind of bug-person….thing?" She asked incredulously. "What?"

"Huh?" Dipper's eyes bulged. "Wait, no! Hold on-"

"That….that is so messed up!" She shuddered violently. "Oh my God, Dipper. What the hell?"

"Wait, just let me-"

"Bugs? Bugs?"

"Wendy, it wasn't-"

"Wasn't what? Didn't you just tell me that it was a legit Bug-Me?"

"Well yes, but it was only at the very end-" He tried to explain.

"Were you like, really confused about some things back then, or something?" She kept peppering him with questions.

"What? No!"

"So why a big-girl?" Wendy paused to try and get her thoughts in order. This was a lot to try and process. "I...I don't get it! Why would you want that? I would get it if she was wearing a bathing suit or something, but….a bug-girl?"

Dipper struggled to clarify things." "She only did it when I figured it out that she wasn't the real you. Not because I actually wanted her to do that."

"What kind of fantasy was that even supposed to be?" She obviously hadn't heard a word that he had just said. She was far too busy puzzling. "Like, was she supposed to transform? Was that part of the fantasy? Was that like, something you used to be into?"

"It wasn't part of the fantasy! You seriously think I wanted that to happen?"

"Maybe if you said she like, sprouted wings and became an angel or something." She wondered out loud. "Then it would make sense. But….bugs?"

Wendy shuddered at the mental image. "I'm sorry, but I'm so creeped out right now I….I don't even know where to start? Why? Just why?"

"It's not because I want it! Wendy, just listen to me!" He pled.

"Bugs? Really?" Wendy was still barely paying any attention to him. "I had to kill that spider for you just yesterday, and now you're actually telling me that-"

"I was going to take care of it! I just wanted to make sure Phoebe was safe first!" Dipper piped up defensively. "You remember how big it was? It was like the size of my hand, and it almost crawled right over her before….wait, that's not the point! The point is that the whole turning-into-bugs thing wasn't something I wanted!"

"But the entire point of that weird bubble land was that it gave us everything that we wanted, right?" She argued back. "I thought I saw all my friends show up just for me, and I bought it all hook, line and sinker. And you know how many of them turned to bugs? Zero!"

"That. Wasn't. Something. I. Wanted!" He reemphasized. "Wendy, that only happened because the entire stupid bubble-world freaked out on my when I figured out it was a trap!"

"Huh? Hold on…." She jogged her memory. This was starting to sound familiar.

"Remember after the trial? When everything started falling apart and going nuts? It was exactly like that!" He desperately reminded her. "But like, just for me! Same thing! But just like...you know, a smaller scale!"

It took a couple seconds, but he could see it in her emerald eyes when it all finally clicked.

"Oooooohhhhhh." She took a long draught of wine and shook her head. "Wow."

"How did you actually forget any of that that?" Now it was Dipper's turn to be incredulous.

"You're talking to someone who had to pop out our kid only an hour after she fought a monster." Wendy replied. "A **_lot_** of weird stuff has happened since then."

"I know but….that whole thing with the fantasy world had to hands-down one of the scariest things, hands-down."

"Eeehhhh," She grimaced. "You ask me, it wasn't as scary as when your mom's upset."

"Wendy c'mon, don't…." Dipper could see that she was being dead-honest with him, and after a moment's thought he had to concede, "Yeah, it's kind of on par."

A dreadfully awkward silence settled over the two. Wendy finally looked her husband in the eye and requested, "Dude…...next time you want to be sweet, just tell me I look nice."

"Suggestion noted." He collapsed into his chair with a heavy sigh. The sight made Wendy burst out chortling, and he cracked a weak grin. "Bet you're really happy to be out tonight with Prince Charming here, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Little Miss Classy is just lovin' it." She took another bite of her dinner and managed to get a heaping glob of sauce on her chin, right on cue. "Oh, c'mon…."

This time the couple actually attracted a few looks thanks to the torrent of laughter that followed. Together they quickly recovered from the backfired compliment, and the rest of the evening managed just as they wanted it. It was nothing but good conversation, good food and drink, and lots of joking about in between. After sharing dessert they swung around to Mabel's house, picked up their sleeping lump of a baby daughter and headed back home. Now that date night was over, the two swung back into their usual evening routine. In no time Phoebe was settled comfortably in her crib and the couple were crawling together into bed.

"G'night." Wendy pecked her husband softly on the lips.

"Good night, Wendy." Dipper turned the light off, and the bedroom was shrouded in darkness. Less than a minute of peaceful silence reigned before he felt his wife shoot up with a start.

"You okay?"

"Not sure…..did you just feel a-" Wendy suddenly let out a panicked cry.

"Wha-" Before he could even turn over, it felt like something small with at least several legs too many scrambled onto his shoulder and raced over towards his exposed neck. He performed a full body terror-jolt, followed by a mad retreat that sent him tumbling off the bed.

As he lay there on the floor in a tangled heap, his cackling spouse turned the light back on, reached down and began drumming her fingers on top of his head.

"Watch out!" She warned. "It just crawled into your hair!"

"Wendyyyyy…." he groaned.

"What?" She winked mischievously. "I thought you were totally into this kind of stuff."

Dipper sighed as he got up and flopped back into bed, belly-first. "I made a terrible mistake tonight, didn't I?"

Wendy's hand now playfully skittered up and down his back as she continued to fill the room with her snorting laughter. "You got that right, bug-boy…."


	55. Odds and Ends - 2

Hey folks! Just uploading a couple more of the odd silly drabbles and whatnot that I've written here and there. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"**Callback with a (Former) Corduroy"**

Wendy drummed her fingers against her mug and let out a long, exasperated groan. "...So then it becomes this whole stupid cycle when first I ticked off about something like…..I dunno, just take your choice. Having to run to the bathroom all the time, the swollen ankles, the backaches...ugh, and the aching everywhere else. And then as soon as I get annoyed, I immediately freak out because I think I'm getting upset at the baby, and then five seconds later I'm having a major guilt trip. It's always just one right after the other, like clockwork."

She sighed and rubbed her swollen stomach, as if to reassure her daughter that she wasn't getting stressed out specifically at her. Her mother-in-law nodded sympathetically while she put another slice of coffee cake on her plate.

"Oh trust me, I get it. I only had to carry Dipper and Mabel for seven months before they came out, and they still drove me nuts. I barely got any sleep for days at a time because they'd be so active at night. All I would need is for one to wake up and start wiggling, and that would get the other one moving and kicking in no time." She shook her head in amazement. "I'll be honest, I have no idea how Mabel handled carrying her two almost to full term."

"Mabel could deal with it because she was Mabel." Wendy reminded her. "Remember that time when she put stickers all over her stomach and said she was redecorating the twins' pad? She loved every second of it."

"And she put me to total shame." Lynda Pines willingly confessed with a chuckle before she sat back down at her kitchen table. "Look, don't let it get to you. Pregnancy is just a stressful experience for everyone. Trust me when Phoebe finally gets here, the last thing you're going to do is get angry at her for past few months. All you're going to do is wonder what life was like without her."

She paused, then admitted, "Though there are going to be those moments where you actually miss being pregnant. That's when it gets kind of strange."

Wendy snorted and grinned. "I really, really appreciate you letting me drop by and just vent like this."

"Oh you can always stop in. You know that, right?" She reminded warmly. Her daughter-in-law leaned in for a quick hug.

"I know. Thanks, Mom." Wendy gratefully murmured. Her emerald eyes then proceeded to pop clean out of her head when she realized what had just come out of her mouth.

"...Excuse me?" Mrs. Pines asked with a surprised grin.

"Ijustsaidthanks." Wendy sputtered. She kept the embrace going for a little while longer then necessary, as it was the only thing that kept them from reestablishing eye contact of any sort. But it wasn't long until she accepted that she was only delaying the inevitable, and it was with the greatest reluctance that she let go. "Uh….sorry."

Her burning cheeks and bright crimson hair were currently matching. For the first time in her life she was seriously seeing the benefit of Sweatertown. Thankfully her mother-in-law was anything but weirded out. Feeling deeply touched, Mrs. Pines gently pat her daughter-in-law's belly.

"It's all right. No matter what you want to call me, I'll still be here for whatever my girls need. Okay?" She reassured while beaming from ear to ear. Ms. Pines suddenly felt a hard kick from the baby, and she jerked her arm back in surprise. The redheaded mother-to-be burst out laughing.

"I might not be sure what to call you now," Wendy grinned as she pat her stomach. "But it looks like someone's totally stoked that she'll get to call you Grandma…"

* * *

"**Achoo!"**

"Nonono!" It was with great dismay that Finn watched his truck roll out of control beneath the sofa. The two and a half year old race over in pursuit, thrust his little arm underneath and started reaching desperately. "Come back! Come back!"

"Hold on, buddy I got it.." Dipper laughed as he stepped in to help out. The young man got down on his stomach and took a look. The toy had gone so far back that he had to shove his entire head under the couch, but the effort was well worth it. Just a few moments later he had successfully retrieved the toy and was handing it off to his grateful nephew.

"VROOOOM!" Finn excitedly sent it rolling across the den and into one of his dinosaurs.

"Well that was nice of your Uncle Dipper! Now, what do we say?" Mabel sang out a reminder.

"Thank yooooou!" The little boy whooped.

"No problem." Dipper smiled. Some dust swirled up into into his nostrils as he finished backing out from beneath the sofa. The young man erupted with a shrill squeak that automatically caught his niece's full and undivided attention.

"KITTY!" The tot abandoned her stuffed animals and started hunting intently around his ankles, searching high and low. "Kitty? Kitty!"

After doing a few loops around him, Gladys looked up to her uncle with confusion-filled eyes. "Wheh's the kitty? Wheh's kitty, Unca Dippeh?"

Mabel tried to suppress her giggles for the sake of her brother's dignity. However she was only able to fight it back for a brief moment before full-fledged laughter overtook her. As her whole body shook with mirth, she nudged her twin and tittered, "Sorry. But still sneeze just like like a-"

"I know, I know." Dipper groaned despairingly. "Trust me, of all the things that I don't need to be reminded about…."

* * *

"**Two for One"**

"...Welcome, everyone!" The woman gave off a faint smell of incense as she enthusiastically greeted the class of expectant parents. "I'm so glad you could all come tonight. Now, to start off we'll do some warm-up breathing exercises. I'll go into further detail later, but I just want us all to get a nice feel for what this evening's going to bring. If you have a partner with you today, I want them to help you settle down on your…."

As it turned out, most of the attendees did in fact have a significant other of some sort accompanying them. The single exception was a young brunette in the back corner. Mabel couldn't help but look embarrassed while she awkwardly settled herself on her mat with a grunt.

"Good! Now, I want you all to start off with a nice, deep…." The lamaze instructor was interrupted, and spectacularly so. The door burst open and a young man stumbled in.

"S-sorry." Dipper gasped for breath after his mad sprint from the parking lot. "Sorry, I hit some traffic. I'm here for-"

"Oh dude! What the heck?!" An equally winded redhead dashed down the hall of the community center and skidded to a halt at the classroom entrance. The couple shared confused looks with one another.

"Wendy? Wait, I thought I was going to-" Dipper started bewilderedly.

"No, I thought that I was going to be the one to-" She quickly interjected.

"But I could have sworn that we said I-"

"Really? I thought that I was-"

"Uh….can I help you two?" The instructor gently cut in.

"Oh, um….we're just...just here for…." Dipper flustered out a half-reply before he started nervously looking around the room. He spotted his twin, who brightened up and gave him a happy wave. Dipper gasped in relief, and together he and his wife hurriedly headed to their spot like two students who arrived late for school.

"Hey Mabes." Wendy chuckled after kneeling down behind her heavily pregnant sister-in-law.

"Hi!" Mabel chirped. In spite of her protrusive belly, she managed to awkwardly twist around to give each one a quick hug in turn before proudly flashing an enormous smile for anyone looking at them. "That's right. They're with me…."

* * *

"**Adieu My Love"**

He had to hike at least a quarter mile from the dig site and up a none-too-gently sloped hill after a long day of scrounging through ] sandy soil. However, it had been entirely worth the effort. Professional archaeologist Dipper Pines finally got the precious little ounce of reception that he needed to successfully put in a call back home.

"...I'll try and give a ring same time tomorrow, okay?" He promised as he wrapped up the conversation with his wife.

"Looking forward to it." Wendy warmly replied. "Don't dig up anything cursed, okay?"

"Thanks, but I'm pretty sure you just jinxed me." He joked back.

"Knowing our luck? Yeah, probably. Anyway, hold on, someone wants to say something to you before you go….okay, say bye…. c'mon, say bye to Dad…." Dipper heard Phoebe squeak something completely incomprehensible, which was followed closely by a chortle from Wendy. "Close enough."

"Definitely. Bye, honey. And goodbye Wendy…." He chuckled mischievously. "My lumberjack queen."

There was another snicker on the other end of the line, and Wendy eagerly replied in kind. "Goodbye my little Indiana Jones."

"Farewell, my crimson-haired princess."

"My special little dork."

"My sweetie-pie…."

The rules of their game were simple. The sappy nicknames would fly back and forth, and whoever cracked first lost. And so the couple carried on with their long-distance routine as usual, and it wasn't long until they were barely using actual words.

"...My cute little smooshie wooshie."

"My pooky-wooky-poopsy-poo." Dipper countered with a wet smack of his lips. That did it. Wendy broke down with a hearty cackle.

"Okay, okay, this round goes to you. Bye doofus. Love you."

"Love you both too. Bye." He was now smiling hard enough to split his face in half. His spirits had been boosted so high that he had even started to hum a mindless tune to himself as he made his next call.

"Heeeeey, bro-bro!" Mabel chirped. "Say hi to your Uncle Dippingsauce, hun-buns!"

"Hi Uncah Dippeh!"

"Hiiiii! Hi Uncle Dipper!"

"Hey guys." He laughed. "How's everything bee-"

"Did you have a nice chat with your pooky-wooky-poopsy-poo?" His sister interrupted him with a joyous squeal. As her bubbly laughter hilled his ears, Dipper was stricken with dismay.

"...Wait….what?" He stammered.

A very familiar voice broke out snickering loudly in the background. Mabel's giggles grew faint as she passed the phone off.

"Whoops. Yeah, so Phoebe and I are kinda crashing here at Mabe's tonight." Wendy explained.

"Sleepoveh!" Dipper could hear Finn whoop ecstatically.

"I can see that…..uh, soooo….you could have tried to stop me, you know." He put it gently.

"Sorry, bumpsy-bookins." She chuckled. "Force of habit…."

* * *

"**Hoot"**

"Hoooo. Hooo-hoo!"

Dipper was woken by a loud and haunting call ringing out into the summer night. Instinct kicked right into high gear, and the first thing he did was check on his infant daughter. Thankfully Phoebe remained out like a light, and unbroken breathing continued to mix rhythmically with Wendy's gentle snores.

"Hooo hoooooo!" Another cry echoed through the night. "Hooo hooooo!"

"Lousy bird." Rubbing sagging eyes, he shambled out of the guest room. This was something that needed to be dealt with as quick as possible before one of his great-uncles was woken up, and God forbid both Ford and Stan were roused. Few things were worse than crotchety griping in stereo.

"Hooo! Hoo hooooo!"

He passed by the staircase just in time to cross paths with his sister. With the way Mabel lurched downstairs, body wavering from side to side with each groggy step, it was a minor miracle that she made it all the way down from the attic bedroom without falling. Dipper gestured to her with a limp wave of his arm.

"Itsokay, I gottit." he mumbled.

"Nooo, lemme take care offit." She insisted with a gaping yawn.

It seemed like neither of them wanted to out of bed for nothing. So the two shambled together through the Mystery Shack like a pair of zombies while they jointly hunted down the source of the incessant cries.

"Hooo! Hoo hoooo! Hoooooo!"

"I toldyou, I gotit." Dipper murmured drowsily.

"Nuh-uh, I gotta handle it. She's mine." Mabel sleepily retorted.

"Huh?" He grunted confusedly just as they finally zeroed in on the racket. They stumbled out the back door, and suddenly it all made sense to him. "_Oh_."

A faint hoot echoed out from the surrounding forest. The nightie-clad little girl standing out on the back porch threw back her head and puffed herself up with a deep breath.

"Hooo! Hooo! Hoo hooooo!" Gladys trilled back as loudly as she possibly could with a surprisingly accurate imitation. When she turned and noticed that she had company, she greeted the two of them with a dead ringer for her mother's toothy smile. "Hi Mommy! Hi Unca Dippeh!"

"Hey there, Silly-Sally. Whatcha doin' out here?" Mabel bent over and gathered her tyke up. "C'mere, you need to go back to bed."

"Okay, Mommy!" Her sweet little girl went along without a scrap of protest. As she was carried back inside, Gladys reached out and started tugging energetically on her uncle's shirt sleeve. "Unca Dippeh? Unca Diiiipppppeh!"

"Mmm-hmm?" Dipper's jaws stretched wide under the force of a whopping yawn.

"I like owls!" She announced in a matter-of-fact squeak. The tittering snort that bubbled from Mabel echoed loudly through the entire Shack. And despite the ungodly hour, Dipper just couldn't resist cracking a smile.

"We know, honey." His nice beamed as he ruffled her hair. "We know…."


	56. A Dicey Situation

Here's just a little paranormal shenanigan for you all. Enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

"Family meeting! Family meeting!" Ford hobbled up out of his basement laboratory at the speed of a man a quarter his age, all the while yelling at the top of his lungs. He didn't even give himself so much as a moment to catch his breath as he continued to holler frantically, "Family meeting! Family meeting!"

The unmistakable panic in his voice quickly brought most of his clan hurrying out of the den and into the Mystery Shack gift shop.

"What's wrong?!" Dipper sputtered anxiously. If something was enough to spook a man who had spent thirty years traversing different dimensions, then they had some serious trouble on their hands.

"It's gone!" The scientist frantically waved his arms. "It's gone!"

"Relax, will ya?" Stan groaned. "What's gone?"

"The infinity-sided die!" Ford gasped. "It's missing!"

"What?" His great-niece, great-nephew and twin brother all yelped together in alarm. His great-niece-in-law however needed to check her memory before she could panic. Sometimes it was hard keeping track of all the supernatural nonsense in their lives.

"Wait….." Wendy finally managed to recall hearing a story about this once or twice before. "Is that the thing were like, you throw a magical die and then a crazy wizard comes out of nowhere?"

"That was only what happened the last time it was rolled." Ford hurriedly explained to her. "It's an object capable of bending reality itself, and it's infinite sides means infinite possibilities, meaning literally anything could happen! Climates could instantly reverse! All humans could turn into lemons! Entire continents could rise up off the planet and float off deep into space!"

Wendy didn't exactly get everything he just blurted out to her, but her bug-eyed stare made it pretty clear that she got the gist of it. "Okay, that sounds….uh, pretty bad."

"It's beyond bad! If that thing is so much as tipped over onto the floor, then the world as we know it could change permanently!" Ford babbled.

"Okay seriously, why do you still even keep that thing around anyway?" Stan demanded for what felt like the hundredth time in his life.

"Stan, that thing-"

"Has literally never been any help to any of us, ever."

Before they could spiral into an argument they were interrupted by questions from the younger generation of twins.

"Did you take it out to clean it?" Mabel asked.

"You don't think someone took it out, do you?" No sooner had Dipper finished talking when they heard giggling from the den.

"Oooh, almost fogot! Lookit what we found!"

"Lookit! It's so shiny!"

The group collectively blanched before they all scrambled into the living room. Unfortunately it was exactly as they all feared. Little Phoebe was now gazing curiously at a bright glowing die that one of her older cousins was holding right in front of her face.

"See, Phoebe?" Gladys eagly showed it off. "It's pwetty, huh?"

Dipper was about to race in and snatch up the die when Ford grabbed him firmly by the shoulder.

"Careful! Infinite possibilities!" He warned sharply, then gestured for the others to keep a safe, several foot radius around the now-confused children as if they were dealing with a ticking time bomb. Mabel took point as she put on a smile and knelt down.

"Glad-Glad?" She asked sweetly. "You want to tell Mommy where you and Finn got that funny-looking die there?"

"We found it!" Her daughter answered with an innocent grin.

"Uh huh…..but do you want to tell me _where_ you found it?" Her mother asked.

"Downstairs! We found it in Gregrunkle Ford's labra….labara….laby…." Finn struggled to pronounce the word correctly. "In his labararatory!"

"How did you even get it out?" Ford asked incredulously. "You had to get through a fingerprint encoded lock."

The little tykes looked to one another, looked back at the adults and shrugged in unison. It would have been pretty cute were it not for the fact that they were potentially holding the fate of the entire world in their little hands.

"We found it!" Gladys repeated. "We found it, and we wanted to show it to Phoebe!"

"Wait, but I was just playing with you guys." Wendy was confused." Were you holding onto it the whole time?"

"Yeah, but I fogot I was holdin' onto it! Like this!" The little girl tucked it into her chocolate brown locks and it briefly vanished from sight.

"Why would you put it up there?" Dipper asked.

"What? It's a good place to hold stuff." Mabel said in defense of her daughter, and right on cue a colored pencil fell out of her hair.

"She had it up there, but then I 'membered we had it! And now Phoebe can look at it!" Finn piped up.

"Yeah! We had a tuwn to lookit it, now it's hews!" Gladys squeaked excitedly.

Despite the danger of the situation, Mabel clapped her cheeks and cooed adoringly at her children. "Awww! You two are just the most thoughtful little-"

"Mabel!" Ford whispered impatiently.

"Oh, right! Uh, well that was very nice of you to show Phoebe. But you forgot to ask your Gregrunkle Ford if you could take his shiny die first. And that wasn't very nice, was it?" She asked them. Both her tykes frowned apologetically.

"Sorry."

"Weah sowwy."

"It's okay." Ford relaxed with a smile. It looked like they were in the clear. "If you could just hand it back to me nice and gently, then we'll be all-"

During the entire standoff, Phoebe had been meticulously examining the shiny thing sitting in Gladys's hands. The little tyke tried her hardest, but she just couldn't figure out all the constantly changing shapes and figures on it. Just what was this thing? It was definitely like no toy she had seen before. Maybe it was something to eat? Some kind of candy, perhaps? There was only one way to test that theory out. Right before her cousin could hand the die over she grabbed it and shoved it into her mouth.

"NO!" Every adult chorused in dismay. The baby meanwhile quickly realized that the strange glowing thing wasn't edible at all, and she spat it right out. Wendy and Mabel collided hard together when they both grabbed for it, and Dipper attempted a desperate but futile dive. The die rolled across the floor and came to a stop when it ran into the TV.

Panic immediately overtook everyone in the room. Dipper leapt to his feet and protectively gathered both his wife and child together in his noodle arms. Mabel let out a yelp, bodily picked up both her twins and raced off into the kitchen to take shelter under the table. Ford tensed up stiff as a statue as he braced himself, while his brother hefted his eight ball cane and held it at the ready to take on whatever horror the die was going to bring down upon them.

The moments ticked on by as everyone held their breaths. A full minute of painfully tense silence passed, and fear started to turn into confusion. As far as anyone could tell, absolutely nothing had changed.

"What the heck is the hold-up here?" Stan gruffly broke the silence. Mabel and her tots poked their head back into the room.

"Mommy? What's goin' on?" Finn asked curiously. Neither he nor his sister could tell what all the fuss was about.

"That's a good question." She pat his head and shot Ford a befuddled look. "Is the die-thingy broken?"

"Uh...I don't think so." Ford looked as utterly bewildered as all the others. He picked up the die and carefully looked it over. "I mean, something had to happen. Or else-"

There was a sudden knock on the door, and they all jolted in surprise. There was another sharp rap, then another.

"Hello?" A friendly voice finally called. "Hello?"

The Pines clan all passed one another wordless looks. Dipper then took a deep breath and opened up the door. "...Yes?"

Standing there on the doorstep was a creature that looked a lot like a flamingo. Except this bird had one one leg with several knee-like joints. Also it had a thick coat of lime green feathers that gave off an otherworldly shimmer in the sunlight. And it had five eyes that all blinked independently of one another. Also, in place of wings it had two feather-covered buff arms, complete with fingers.

Actually, on second thought it really wasn't _that_ much like a flamingo. Dipper gawked bewilderedly at the strange thing.

"Dipper Pines?" It cocked its head and asked hopefully.

"Uh….yeah, that's me." The young man answered warily. The die-spawned creature immediately punched him square in the stomach, and Dipper dropped liked a sack of cement. His attacker then doffed its bowler hat and flashed a great big smile.

"Thank you for your cooperation!" It squawked politely before vanishing in a puff of violet smoke. Wendy raced over to her husband.

"Wait…" She looked up at the others. "Was that it?"

"I guess?" Mabel shrugged. Neither of the women knew whether to be glad, underwhelmed, or some combination of the two. The children meanwhile all looked flat out confused above all else. But Ford's relief knew absolutely no bounds as he retrieved the die off the floor.

"We were very, very lucky today." He declared.

"We were?" Dipper replied incredulously as he was helped up.

"Considering everything that could have happened? Yes." The old man didn't had an ounce of doubt.

"We wouldn't have had a scare in the first place if you didn't-" Stan started to grumble.

"Don't worry. From here on out I'll make sure that this die never leaves my lab, ever again." Ford vowed. "I'll never let it-"

As he spoke, he let it accidentally slip out of his six-fingered grasp and rolled across the floor. Fresh panic swept through the through the den like wildfire as they all immediately scrambled for cover. One could almost hear the collective beating as everyone's hearts pounded in their chests and waited. And waited. And waited.

And waited.

"Yes! We're okay!" Mabel and hugged her children tightly with relief.

"Are we?." Dipper was a little more cautious as he checked about.

"Dipper Pines?" A voice suddenly asked from the doorway.

"Yes?" Instinctively the young man turned around to face the new visitor. He found himself gazing into five different-sized eyes and his face fell. "Ohhhh, no.

A feathery fist socked him square in the stomach. Dipper clutched his gut and collapsed with a piteous moan. "AUGH! Why?!"

"Thank you!" The flamingo-esque creature smiled, tipped its hat, then immediately ceased to exist with a violet smoky burst, leaving behind a pack of very surprised Pines.

"Da-ee?" Phoebe chirped confusedly at her fallen father.

"You okay?" Wendy cradled his head up into her lap.

"Not at all." He wheezed back.

"It's okay, we can makit betteh!" Gladys and her brother were on the case. "Hugs can help!"

"Thanks sweetie, but-OW! Ow!" His niece and nephew hugged his stomach. "Wait, wait, don't-"

"Da-ee!" Phoebe copied her cousins. She clambered right on top of him so she could wrap her little arms around his neck. Dipper of course just bit his lip tightly to keep from crying out instead of ordering the thoughtful tots to get off.

"Awww, they're helping!" Mabel proceeded took a picture on her phone.

Dipper just sighed incredulously. "Seriously, what were the odds of that?"

"This is definitely of those things you're best off not even thinking about." Wendy decided for him as she stroked his hair. "Like, not at all."

"Yeah, probably." He nodded understandingly. It was then that he noticed the way his sister was obviously trying to hold in her giggles. "C'mon, please don't."

"Twice in a row…" She sniggered. "Twice."

"Not helping!"

"You gotta admit bro-bro, it[s kinda funny-"

"Still not helping!"

"Okay, that's _it_!" After witnessing this pitiful scene, Stan had definitely had more than enough. The old man grumpily scooped up the die with a wrinkled hand. "No more, alright? We're gettin' rid of this thing, once and for all."

"Thank you." Dipper gasped gratefully.

"Seconded." Added his wife.

"Thirded!" Mabel chimed in.

"Stan, no!" Ford blocked his brother's way.

"What?"

"You can't! We need it to…." He paused. "Uh...we need it to...to..."

As all eyes rest upon him, the scientist was at a clear loss for words. Stan tapped his foot impatiently as he wanted for a reasonable counter.

"We need to what?" He demanded.

Ford's mind raced. After giving it all some serious thought, he realized bemusedly, "I….I actually don't have a good argument against that."

"Sounds about right." Stan herded his twin off to help him rid the infinity-sided nuisance from their lives. "C'mon, pointdexter. This thing's got a date with a mallet…."


	57. Repeat

Here's a little piece that ddp456 helped out with (also, want to give a shoutout to Crow T R0bot for suggesting a version of this idea some ways back). All reviews, critiques, (future story ideas) are welcomed, and as always, enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

To most people, the massive oak that stood near the edge of the park was just another tree. But for her it was the absolute perfect hideout for when she needed a place to get away, just like today. Its heavy branches could support her body weight as well as any bench, and although it was mid-autumn it still had plenty of leaves to keep her shielded from the outside world. After all, there wasn't much of the skinny little girl to hide.

So as the sun set over the horizon and the city park emptied out, she stayed tucked away high in the thick boughs. Phoebe Pines sat with her back against the trunk and her legs pulled up around her, curled tightly in a ball of misery. As the heartbroken tween looked over the intricate to-do list that she had so painstakingly made last weekend, she mentally berated herself without any mercy.

Stupid. She was just so stupid. So much time and energy had been absolutely wasted this week chasing after that upperclassman. All that intricate planning to get him to notice her, to know her a little better, all those tiny little details she agonized over, and for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She couldn't believe it. Why didn't she think to take a little time to check if he wasn't dating someone already? How could she have been dumb enough to think that a guy as great as him would actually be single?

Try as she might, she couldn't stop replaying that terrible scene from only a few hours ago, where he finally said hello to her for the very first time. That brief but friendly smile he flashed and the friendly wave he gave her made the girl feel like she was walking on air….and then he passed her on by to meet his girlfriend, who he promptly greeted with a kiss on the cheek. The fresh memory brought more tears to her emerald eyes. It didn't matter that literally no one else there had realized what had just happened. She had still felt absolutely humiliated. The mere memory made her cheeks go crimson.

In a fit of frustration she crumpled up her plan and hurled it as far as she could. It bounced against several tree branches before reaching the ground. From high on in her perch among the leafy boughs she could see a hand pick it up and unfurl it. Panic welled up in her chest. Some stranger was about to read what probably looked like the ramblings of an obsessed psycho.

"Hey! No littering in the park!" Came a mock-stern yell from below.

"I-I'm sorry!" Phoebe was able to fire out an apology before she recognized the voice. It was even worse than she feared. For a moment she thought about trying to flee and hide in the top branches of the tree, but she quickly dropped that idea. As impressive as her climbing abilities were, they were no match from the woman she had inherited them from. All she could do was unhappily resign herself to fate as her mother speedily reached her.

"Hey." Wendy popped up with a gentle smile.

Phoebe just sat there blushing bright scarlet for a few moments. It gave the elder redhead a chance to settle herself across from her on another sturdy branch.

"...Did….did you see me go up here?" The young girl finally asked. Mortifying as the thought was, it was unfortunately a pretty strong possibility considering her mom's job as a Parks Department arborist.

"Nah, I was dealing with a big half-dead fir on the other side of town when your cousins both shot me a message. They said you'd probably be here." Wendy replied. Her near-miniature was shocked to hear this.

"What?! But I haven't told them about this place!" Phoebe protested. She silently cursed herself for answering that last check-up text from Gladys. Her cousin had been helping as much as she could throughout this week's ill-fated plan, all of course on the nonnegotiable condition that she get constant updates.

"Okay, when was the last time you were able to keep a secret from them?" Wendy asked. If there was one thing that side of the Pines family was undeniably good at, it was finding out about secrets whether others wanted them to or not. Phoebe started fidgeting.

"So….did they tell you about…..w-what happened?"

Her mother nodded understandingly. The tween was able to hold it together for a grand total of three seconds before she burst into tears.

"Hey, hey." Wendy moved over and sat down beside her. "Relax, kiddo. It's gonna be okay."

"No! It's not okay! I-I spent all that time totally obsessing over some guy like...like some freak! I don't know what I was thinking anymore. I mean, now t all just seems s-so….so stupid! I don't even know why I ever stood a chance at all! He's a whole grade above me! And h-he's like, one of the best guys on the entire swim team….a-and he's so...so funny, and….and so nice to everyone, and he..."As she switched back and forth between lamenting and fawning, Phoebe quickly had herself so wound up that she was starting to make herself itchy.

Between the crumbled list she still held in her hands and the fact that her little girl had started anxiously scratching her shoulder, Wendy had to work hard to fight the urge to burst out chuckling. This all looked awfully familiar.

"It's okay. Look, I know it totally feels like it," She gently draped an arm around child's shoulders. "But it's not the end of the world."

"I know. But it's just….I acted like...l-like a total idiot about this whole thing." Phoebe still wouldn't ease up on herself, as she tended to do sometimes.

"Oh yeah? I have news for you. Literally no one handles this kind of stuff without acting like an idiot." Wendy could think of several examples right off the top of her head, and all from one particular family member. But with present company in mind she decoded to go for another example. "Hey….did I ever tell you about the first romantic dinner I ever tried to make for your dad?"

"Huh?" Phoebe wiped her nose on the back of her sleeve. "What?"

"I'll go ahead and take that as a 'no.' Okay, so we had been officially going out for a little while. He was doing his usual thing, driving all the way up to Gravity Falls just to spend a few days with me when he could. And I thought to myself, wait a minute here. My guy's been doing this every other weekend, at list, on top of work and finishing a whole Master's degree, and so far I haven't done anything to show him how just much I appreciate it."

"So what'd you do?"

"Oh, I had this whole big thing planned out. First I got a couple cookbooks from the library and looked through them until I found something good that I could make. I also got a real nice dessert from the bakery in town, and made my place look like, not just presentable, but actually clean for the first time. Like, it had never looked as nice as it did that night, ever."

"Ever?" Her daughter curiously repeated.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, you're more than free to bring that up next time I tell you to pick up your room. Okay anyway, I was doing all that, and to top it all off, I bought like….I don't even remember how many candles, but it was definitely a lot. Like, almost too many. It was kind of a major impulse buy at the store, but I thought they'd all really add an extra special touch. So then Friday night quickly rolled around, your dad got in after he'd been driving for hours, and I wasn't totally ready. He was getting out of the car while I was running around like a maniac, trying to light all those stupid candles and make everything look perfect before he knocked on the door. I let him in, said hi….and while I was doing this, I had no idea that my head was lighting up like one of the candles."

Phoebe let out a gasp. "Did you get hurt?"

"Nah, I was fine. Your dad grabbed one of the beers and doused me pretty quickly. But I swear, until the day we got hitched and I finally moved out of Gravity Falls, I never, ever completely got the smell of burnt hair out of the trailer." Wendy shook her head and laughed. Phoebe couldn't stop herself from cracking a weak smile through her tears, and soon she was chuckling too. Her mother grinned and pulled her closer.

"So don't worry about any of this, okay? Stuff happens. Besides, it's just one guy. You'll get over him. And probably find someone better." She paused and added, "Or, maybe the future will have a nice surprise. Who knows? Either way, you're ending up with someone amazing as you."

"Me?" She sounded a little incredulous.

"You heard me. Because you know what I see here?" Wendy raised her daughter's chin until their matching green eyes met. This was going to be easy. "I see….someone who's sweet...and smart…..is very thoughtful….is a little bit awkward, but definitely in a charming kind of way….and is probably one of the bravest people that I know. And that's just to start."

Phoebe's pale cheeks were burning scarlet again. Her mother grinned and playfully flipped her hair, "But just in case that all doesn't work out for you….hey, at least you got most of my looks."

"Mom!" Her daughter shoved her shoulder. Wendy cackled and counterattacked with a firm hug. Phoebe blushed harder, but she opened her arms and returned the squeeze. "Thanks."

"Anytime." Wendy pecked her forehead. The two held the embrace for a few moments more before Wendy broke away. "So, think you're ready to come down?"

"Yeah. But I don't think I have a choice here, do I?" Phoebe's cheeky remark earned her a nod and a proud smile.

"Definitely. Either you climb down with me, or I carry you down like Mama's little girl. Your pick." The elder redhead laughed as she slung her daughter's backpack over her shoulder and started to climb down. Phoebe made a face before following close after. Together the two quickly completed the descent without any problem.

"Oh yeah," Wendy remembered as she watched her kid hop back onto solid ground, "Sorry."

"Huh? Sorry about wh-"

One of the two teens that had been intently waiting down below finally broke cover and bounded out of some nearby bushes. Phoebe squeaked and instinctively tried clambering back up, but she was quickly swept up in her cousin's arms.

"Dr. Pick-Me-Up is heeeerrrre!" Gladys sang as she aggressively cuddled Phoebe. "I heard that someone needs fifty CC's of hugs, stat!"

"Wha? HEY!" As she squirmed, Phoebe looked absolutely horrified. "Were...were you two down here the whole time!?"

"Yup!" Gladys shamelessly admitted. "From start to finish, saw it all!"

"Heard pretty much everything too!" Finn affectionately ruffled her hair.

"Yeah, they showed up at the park same time I did." Wendy nonchalantly confessed. "We agreed I got first dibs with you."

"MOMMMMM!" The girl protested. Her mother just shrugged.

"Hey, there was no stopping them."

"And how!" Finn proudly agreed.

"Wait!" Phoebe whined in vain. "You guys can't just go and-"

"Nuh-uh! We're alllll done being upset about stuff! Especially about stupid buttface guys who have no clue about the great gals that they're missing out on!" Gladys was absolutely relentless with her positive cheer. A moment later she had her cousin snorting with laughter as she tickled her neck. Finn joined right on in and turned it into even more of an outmatched struggle. As soon as Phoebe would fend off one of the twins, the other would playfully attack her from another side.

"Alright, c'mon." A chuckling Wendy checked her phone and decided to come in for the save. It was about time they headed off to gather at her sister-in-law's, just like every Friday night. "Your mom's probably ordered dinner by now."

Mabel's twins did a joint whoop and heartily high-fived one another.

"Yessss! Pizza night!" Gladys cheered. "Coming, Aunt Wenny!"

"Let's go, squirt." Finn grabbed Phoebe and settled her on his shoulders. As the little group trooped off towards the park entrance, Wendy stayed back a few yards to answer an incoming phone call.

"Hey, dude."

"Sorry! I just got your message." Her husband gasped out in one worried breath on the other line. "Is Phoebe okay?!"

"Oh yeah. Nothing big, just some boy trouble." Wendy assured him. "The twins and I found her, it's cool. We're all on the way to Mabes' right now. See you there?"

"Huh? Oh, uh Sure. Of course. Sooo….she's definitely doing alright?" The neurotic father checked yet again. "Sounds like she had a real rough day."

"Pfft, it's nothing. Our little lady's doing totally fine. It was…" A grin crept across her face. "Honestly? Just some same old, same old."

"Same what now?" Dipper asked curiously.

"I'll explain later…." Wendy snickered as she watch the trio of young Pines walking up ahead. Her daughter was struggling to look annoyed while she rested on Finn's shoulders, and was failing miserably

"Alright, time to get you started on a rebound crush!" Gladys's sneakers lit up as she excitedly pranced around them. "Okay, Fee, so once we get back to our place I'll need you to start giving me names and stats for all the other guys in your class, stat. We're talking height, weight, hair color, favorite food, favorite movies, what they like to read, eye color, sense of humor on a scale of one to five, extracurricular activities, allergies..."

"And also if they're more of a dog or a cat person." Finn jokingly suggested.

"Hey, yeah! Favorite animal!" She enthusiastically took the suggestion. " It definitely can't hurt if we know that too!"

"What's all that even going to be for?" Phoebe now couldn't stop herself from smiling even if she actually tried.

"Oh, you'll see!" Gladys excitedly booped her little cousin on the nose. "This matchmaker's got some serious plans for you….."


	58. Odds and Ends - 3

As the chapter title says, here's my third collection of drabbles and short pieces (fittingly enough, there's three of them). The first one was suggested by ddp456, the other two are mine. And as usual, enjoy! - **SGA**

* * *

**"Beware of Overcautious Grandmothers"**

Dipper had been frantically doing his best to put the apartment back the way it was since he had gotten home ten minutes ago, only to find a very odd surprise waiting for him. He was just getting started on working another kitchen cabinet open when he heard his wife walk in the door. He zipped out fast as he could her to meet her. "Wendy-"

"Can't talk, gotta go." She said to him in one urgent breath. The eight-month-pregnant woman then tore off to take one of her many daily bathroom breaks.

"Hold on!" He tried to warn her. "Wendy, my mo-"

"What the?" She discovered that the doorknob didn't want to budge thanks to the plastic cap that had been placed over it. "Dipper, what the hell is this?!"

"Sorry! My mom sent me a text at lunch saying she was dropping off a surprise for us here." A very embarrassed Dipper explained. "I thought she meant she was just going to leave a bunch of new onesies or something."

"Seriously?" Wendy groaned when she finally realized she was looking at a childproofed knob. She grabbed hold and tried wrestling with it, but after a futile struggle she let out a loud growl.

"Hold on, I think I got it." Dipper tried a go at it. Wendy didn't protest as she stepped aside. The pressure was so bad now that she could barely focus on anything. As she performed a painful squirming dance, she recalled dealing with the aftermath of a similar baby-proofing rampage at Mabel's house a few years back, except there was one major difference; Finn and Gladys had a few months old at the time. Their baby was still only a large bump in Wendy's belly.

"Okay, she knows that Phoebe's still inside me, right?" She knew her mother-in-law clearly had only the best intentions, but even for the hyper-protective Mrs. Pines this was just plain absurd.

"Look, I don't get this either." He confessed. "And I'm the kid who ended up with most of her anxiety."

It took a few more seconds, but he finally got the accursed protective cap off. Wendy flew on by, and just as she shut the door behind her Dipper suddenly received an incoming phone call. Lo and behold it was his mother, almost as if she knew they were just talking about her.

"Uh, hi Mom-" No sooner had he answered when an aggravated yell went up from the bathroom.

"Oh no…oh no, no, no, no, no! no! NO! Are you KIDDING me?"

"What's wrong?" Dipper cupped a hand over the phone.

"There's even a lock on the TOILET SEAT! Why would she…." Wendy trailed off as she began wrestling with the latest obstacle. Dipper returned to the phone conversation.

"What? Oh, uh, yeah, we're uh, we're fine." He lied to his parent. "Yeah, we see what you did. Um, looked you had a busy afternoon-"

"DIPPERRRR!" Wendy yelled.

"What?"

"It won't come off!"

"There should be a button you need to press! Or...or maybe some kind of lever! Or something!" He suggested to his wife, then refocused back on his mother. "Oh, that? Nothing. We um, just have the TV on kinda loud right now…"

"Son of a...there's like, three buttons on this thing! And a lever! Do I press the buttons first and then pull the….mmmf….nothing's even moving on this stupid…." Wendy continued battling the baby-proofed (and apparently also lumberjill-proofed) toilet.

"Uh...maybe you have to press them all at the same time?" He took another brief break from the conversation with his mom. "What? Oh, yeah. We saw what you put on the doors…yeah, and on the cabinets too-"

"Open! Open up! Open up you piece of….." A volcano of profanity started spewing from the bathroom. Dipper meanwhile was attempting to get some answers.

"So, um….gotta be honest, Mom, but this was kind of a big surprise to come home to. Okay, well…."

"...How do you even work this…..the lever won't even…..pain in my….." Wendy let out another barrage of curses.

"...It's just that…." Meanwhile Dipper tried to break things gently to his well-meaning mother. "It's just too early for childproofing like this, don't you think? I mean, we still have a month before the due date, and even after that the baby won't be able to crawl around for at least….uh huh…..no, I don't think we'll forget to put them back up later….no, I'm sure we'll remember. Mom, why are you so freaked about this anyway? Wait? Wait, WHAT?"

"...Why….won't….you…OPEN?!" Wendy shrieked.

"Try pulling the lever first! Or pushing it, or….whatever it does!" Dipper suggested before resuming the phone conversation. "...Wait, so how old was I when I….did I actually drink any of the detergent, or did….okay, good. No this is definitely the first time I've heard this story…."

"OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN!"

"...Okay, I get where you're coming from now, but I still think having all this stuff up already's just...it's just overkill…..well that's what I think. No I haven't asked Wendy about it yet. I mean, not directly but-"

Wendy emerged and raced back to where she had dropped her work gear by the front door. She then charged back into the bathroom and spooked Dipper half to death when she filled the apartment with an Amazonian war-cry. The desperate redhead reemerged holding the hacked remains of the toilet lock. She hurled the plastic chunks to the ground, stomped them once with her boot, put her trusty hatchet aside and rushed back into the bathroom to finally take care of some business. Dipper stared at the ravaged remains for a moment.

"Dipper? Dipper?" He could hear his ultra-neurotic parent call faintly from the phone. "What was that? Is everything okay? Dipper?"

"Oh, uh…it's fine, that was just the TV again. Um, again. Anyways, Wendy…." he paused before putting it ever so gently, "I think it's pretty safe to say she's with me on this…"

* * *

"**Again and Again"**

"...Alright, thanks for visiting the Mystery Shack! And thank you….thank you….thank you…." It was like shooting fish in a barrel. As the satisfied and easily-wowed tour group left, each made sure to drop a few dollars in the Bag O'Mystery to watch them "disappear." Ever the skilled con man, Stan made sure to bid adieu to each oblivious vacationer with a believably sincere smile. "...Thank you….thank you….all right, thanks for visiting the Shack….thank you…..thank you…"

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank yoooou!" Squeaked the little girl that had suddenly appeared by his side. Gladys had toddled into the gift shop just in time to watch the last of the tourists leave, and had immediately decided to help her gregrunkle (great-great-uncle) see them off. Stan laughed gruffly at the sweet little tot.

"Thanks, sweetie." he took her by a little doll hand. "Now how about you help me count out today's haul?"

"Okay!" She chirped. With a loud creak of bones he hoisted her up onto the counter.

"Oooohh, gonna pay for that tomorrow." He plopped down onto the stool, popped open the register, and his great-great niece's eyes went wide.

"Whoooaaaa. That's alotta money, Gegunkle Stan!"

"It's a pretty good haul." He grinned. "But you can always have more. Heck, what am I saying? You can never have enough! Man, what I wouldn't do if I could just double all this…or triple it….or quadruple it…aaahhhh…"

As he fantasized, Gladys was having genuine trouble wrapping her little mind around those kinds of amounts. "That's like… almost alla money in the wowld!"

"Oh, don't I wish. If your Gregrunkle Stan actually had some extra dough, I'd be off for at least a week down in Barbados so fast."

"Bahbaydoes?" She chirped.

"It's an island."

"Oh, a vacation!" She chirped excitedly.

"You got it." The delightfully innocent tyke put him in a playful mood. "What do you think you would do if you had some extra-"

"A kiddie pool!" The child enthusiastically answered before he could finish.

"Starting off practical, huh? Okay, I can respect that." He chuckled and nodded to the inflatable little pool sitting right outside in the yard. "Not a big fan of the one your mom bought you, huh?"

"No, notta kiddie pool!" She corrected. "Kiddie pool!"

"Huh? So you mean like…two pools?" He didn't understand. "Like, one for you and one for your brother?"

"Noooo! A kiddie pool! Notta kiddie pool! Kiddie!" The tyke tried to explain, but he still wasn't picking up any difference.

"Uh…"

"You know! Meow! Meow, meow, meow!" She clarified."Meow!"

"Oooohhh." He finally realized he'd been mishearing her. "_Kitty_."

"Yeah! Kitty pool!" Gladys affirmed with a fat smile. "A whole pool! Just fulla kitties!"

"Sounds about right for you. Anyways, next thing I'd splurge on would be a weekend in Vegas. Ha, definitely would go alone though. I took your Gregunkle Ford a couple years ago, and the big nerd wasn't a fan at all." He chuckled at the memories. "So what else would you get if had a couple extra-"

"Getta kitty pool!" She enthusiastically answered. "Fulla big fluffy kitties!"

"Yeah, I know." He chuckled. "But what else would you get if you had-"

"A kitty pool!" She was more than happy to repeat himself. "With kitties! Lotsa kitties! Fluffy kitties!"

"Uh, I know. But what else would you-"

"Kitty pool!" The tyke chirped excitedly.

"Yeah, I know. But what else-"

"A kitty pool!"

"Kid, you know you could wish for other things besides a-"

"Kitty pool!"

"That's not exactly how this is supposed to go. I talk about different things I want to buy, and then you tell me about the different things that you want to-"

"Kitty pool!"

"Can you-"

"Kitty pool!"

"But what about-"

"A kitty pool!"

"There has to be one thing you want besides a-"

"Kitty pool!"

"C'mon, can't you-"

"Kitten pool!"

"Okay, I get it already. But maybe now you can-"

"Kitty pool!"

"Kid, there's gotta be something else out there that's-"

"I'd getta kitty pool! Kitty pool kitty pool kitty pool! Kiiiittttttyyyyyy POOOOOOLLLLLL!" Her heart-antenna headband dangled wildly about as she bounced up and down on the counter. Stan could only sit back and hope that the now hopelessly overstimulated child would calm down sometime soon.

"Ohhhhh boy."

"A-ha! There you are!" Mabel laughed as she walked briskly into the shop and interrupted the spectacle. She scooped up the giggly little tyke into her arms. "I've been looking everywhere for you, you little sneakster!"

"Mommy! Mommy, what would you get?" Gladys demanded breathlessly without a pause.

"Get what?" Mabel asked.

"If you had alla money! What would you get?"

The young woman tittered and booped her daughter on the nose. "What are you talking about, silly?"

"We were just talking about what we'd do if we had a couple extra grand." said Stan.

"Ooooh!" Mabel perked up. "Can I play too?"

Gladys nodded furiously, and Stan cracked a grin. After being subjected to an adorable broken record for the last few minutes, some different answers would be nice. And if there was anything that his grand niece had lots of, it was creativity, so he figured this ought to be good.

"Yeah, sure. You got any ideas what you'd do with that kind of cash?"

"Oh, what else?" Mabel didn't even need a moment to think it over. "A kitty pool!"

The next five seconds passed in dead silence as he stared in utter disbelief. "...What?"

"YEAH!" Gladys agreed with a cheer. Wearing a smile that stretched from ear to ear, Mabel hoisted herself and her daughter onto the counter. Once she settled her tot on her lap, she began to excitedly explain to her despairing great-uncle.

"Okay, so hear me out. Picture one of those little plastic pool dealies like the one my kiddos have. But instead of water, you just get to sit there covered in nothing but the softest, cutest, fluffiest kittens that money can buy…"

* * *

"**Clean-Up"**

Soos's joyous singing rang out loudly through the Mystery Shack. Normally Stan would only be able to handle so much before he would tell his employee to tone it down, expecially that early in the morning. But he was in unusually high spirits himself, and even had a small smile on his craggy face as he poured his coffee before shuffling off to read the paper out on the porch. His brother likewise was caught up in the collective good mood, and whistled a small aimless tune as he munched his toast and scrolled through his tablet.

"Morning!" A chubby woman entered the kitchen.

"Good morning, Melody." He said warmly. "Here to help Soos out?"

"Oh yeah, course." She chuckled. "He's got a load of stuff he wants to take care of. You know he like everything to be totally perfect whenever the twins bring their crews up."

"Trust me, I know." Ford laughingly understated.

"But I can't really blame him for going a little nuts with clean up. The kids are only getting bigger every time they visit, so it's good to be ready for them." She remarked.

"Mm-hmm." he sipped his coffee and nodded.

"I mean, you know how much Finn and Gladys love getting into like, just about everything."

"They really take after their mother." Ford chortled.

"And Phoebe….oh man, now that's going to be a big change. Remember last summer? All she could do was sit up. And now she's up and walking around already! It's totally crazy." She continued on.

"They grow up fast, don't they?." Ford obliviously continued with the small talk. So far Melody wasn't having any luck. She cleared her throat and tried laying it on a little thicker now.

"Yeah….and now she's all about exploring everything too. She might be even worse than her cousins. That's what Mabel told me, at least."

"Mmm-hmmm."

"She says the baby's all about messing with anything new she sees…..always trying to figure out what it is, or how it works…."

"It's just like having a second Dipper. Just what we need, right?" He joked.

"Uh-huh, I know. We probably should take extra care before they get here. Wouldn't want anyone getting hurt from anything." Melody repeated again, this time a little more firmly. "We have enough craziness that goes on around here as it is."

"Of course." Ford murmured distractedly as he kept scrolling through his tablet again. Melody cleared her throat.

"Got to make sure _everything's_ taken care of." She wasn't being subtle at all anymore. Ford however still wasn't getting the message. It looked like she had to get a little more blunt here. She grabbed his tablet and pulled it from his six-fingered hands.

"Hey, what are you-"

"Ford, there's going to be children running around here in a few hours." She looked him dead in the eye and told him in no unclear terms. "Clean up your stuff."

"What?"

"Please go clean up your stuff." She requested bluntly. "Now."

"Clean up what? The lab?" He still didn't get it. "The kids aren't even allowed down there."

This was getting ridiculous. Not even the preschoolers she worked with were this difficult. Melody grabbed him by the wrist and marched him out of the kitchen. Once she got him into the den she pointed to the mess of tools, wires and other odds and ends, all scattered about a partially-assembled gun prototype sitting right there on the floor.

"Oh….I see." the humbled man scratched his neck. "Uh, right. I should probably move this all downstairs."

"Thank you." Melody sighed in relief before she began helping him pick up. "What's this even for, anyway?"

"Well if it all goes to plan, vampires will be a lot easier to handle from here on out."

"...And you seriously didn't think to put this away before the kids showed up?" She asked incredulously.

"I guess not." He shrugged.

"It was right here on the floor." She hefted the weapon up with a grunt. "This thing couldn't have been any easier for them to get their hands on."

"To be fair, it's only half-done." Ford gently countered in his defense.

"And that's supposed to make it better?" She said incredulously.

"Just look at it." he pointed to his partially-built invention. "How much trouble could they have gotten possibly gotten into with just an unfinished-"

As she listened, Melody hadn't meant to touch the trigger. Her finger had just barely brushed it by accident. But that unfortunately was enough to make it fire off three garlic-tipped wooden stakes in speedy succession like it was an oversized machine gun. They all buried themselves deep within the wall with a trio of sickening thuds. She let out a startled cry as she dropped the weapon, and a fourth one fired out and went deep into the side of the armchair. A tense silence hung heavily on the room as they both recovered from the nasty scare.

After double checking to make sure he didn't just have a heart attack, Ford knelt down over his lethal creation. As he quickly disarmed it, the embarrassed scientist glanced up and mumbled, "Please don't answer that that…"


	59. Speak Up

"Maymay."

"Daddy. Daddy."

"Aunt Maymay."

Stan Pines shuffled into the den to find his visiting great niece and great nephew sitting on the floor with Phoebe. The baby's emerald gaze shifted back and forth between her aunt and father each time they spoke.

"Daddy. Daddy." Dipper repeated gently.

"That's Daddy. Right there, that's your Daddy." Mabel shifted full focus to her twin. "Can you say that? Hmmm? Can you say Daddy? Daaaaa-dyyyyyyy."

Despite their efforts, the baby just hugged her stuffed sheep and smiled at them.

"Not a peep, huh?" Stan observed as he sipped his Pitt soda.

"Still nothing yet." Dipper sighed.

"It's okay! She'll talk when she's ready to! Isn't that right, Fee-Fee?" Mabel made a face, and her niece let out a tiny mouse-squeak of a giggle.

"I know, Still, I feel like she should be saying at least a couple words by now." said her brother.

"Did it take either of you a long time to talk?" Stan pried before he plopped down into his armchair.

"Nope! I was chit-chatting as soon as I could." Mabel chirped proudly.

"I didn't take long after that." Dipper added.

"Didn't want to be left out, huh?" Stan joked with a gruff chuckle.

"I think it was more a practical thing. Mom and Dad said my first word was 'stoppit'." Dipper gave his sister a look. Mabel bubbled with laughter.

"Yeah. I wouldn't cut it out with….hey, where'd Fee-Fee go?" She suddenly noticed that a certain little redhead had gone missing sometime during the conversation. Both the twins got up and started looking around. Phoebe wasn't much of a talker, but she was very, very good at moving around extremely quietly. She could get around as silently, if not more so than most of ghosts that her parents and aunt had encountered over the years.

"Watch your step." Stan warned. When Phoebe went wandered off like this, her customary silence had lead to a lot of close calls. Just the other day before Ford had nearly sat on her.

"And here we go again." Dipper groaned after a sweep of the room turned up with nothing.

"Don't worry, bro-bro, I got this!" Mabel threw back her head and sang, "Fiiii-iinnnnnn! Glad-Glaaaaaaad! We need for a Phoebe Patrol, stat!"

"Okay, Mommy!" They heard Finn yell from upstairs. The Mystery Shack became alive with the pitter-patter of feet as they listened to her two four-year-olds race all about. Usually it was never long until one of them managed to track down and corral their baby cousin. However, this time all they got were confused cries ringing out from opposite ends of the Shack.

"Can't find her, Mommy!"

"No Phoebe heah!"

The older twins shared worried looks. That definitely wasn't good. Dipper headed off to go search around the house himself.

"Don't worry!" Mabel followed along. "Our little phantom cutie's okay!"

"Probably, but I-"

"Hey Hambone! Hey Dipper-dude!" They ran into Soos just as he came in through the back door to unloaded the last of several large boxes.

"Uh, Soos? How long has the door been open?" Dipper worriedly checked.

"Huh? Probably couple minutes. Had to get all this inside." Soos motioned to the boxes, then cupped a chubby hand around his mouth. "Stan? The mannequin heads are all inside!"

"Good! Take 'em to the workshop. We're gonna need some glue, metal wiring…." While those two took care of Shack business, Dipper headed out the back door. Something in his gut told him that a certain little someone had slipped outside.

"Phoebe? Phoebe!" He called. "Phoebe!"

"It's going to be fine!" Mabel kept the optimism going strong. "She never goes too far from the…..the…"

She trailed off and went ashen-faced in the blink of an eye. The horrified young woman grabbed her brother's attention with a tug on his shirt sleeve.

"What? Do you-" Dipper turned around and looked upon the worst of all possible sights.

Thanks to her half-Corduroy blood, another thing that Phoebe happened to be exceptionally good at was climbing. This often lead to risky situations when combined with the inquisitive nature she had inherited from her father. However, the baby's exploits usually only took her up onto furniture and bookshelves. This current situation however was something entirely and frightfully different; she had not only broken her previous climbing records, but she had shattered them. The little redhead had somehow scaled partway up a nearby evergreen. Now she trying to make her way across a large branch towards one of the many bizarre creatures unique to the Gravity Falls area. The wild cock-a-three's trio of heads gazed about in all directions while it perched and sang its song. Meanwhile the ultra-curious little girl slowly but steadily approached the multi-headed bird.

"PHOEBE!" Dipper threw himself onto the tree and began climbing. His startled daughter looked down, smiled, then continued crawling towards her chirping quarry.

"Fee-Fee? Fee-Fee!" Mabel held out arms out as she tried positioning herself directly beneath her niece. "It's okay! Don't worry, Aunt Maymay's gotcha!"

The determined tot kept right on crawling down the branch even as it sagged a little beneath her weight. The three-headed bird squawked and flapped into a higher branch. The baby's face twisted into an annoyed scowl.

"Stay there, sweetie!" Dipper called as struggled up towards her. "Stay there!"

Phoebe turned herself around and crawled back towards the trunk. Her father and aunt watched on with in horrified amazement as she climbed up a little further. This particularly tree's closely packed branches gave her plenty to grab and hoist herself up on.

"Wait!" Dipper had almost climbed in reach of her. Just his foul luck, the bough supporting him decided to snap at that moment. The young man fell several feet before he was able to grasp another limb.

"I'm coming bro-bro!" Mabel raced his way.

"No, don't! Watch Phoebe!" he sputtered. "Watch Phoebe!"

"I'm sorry!" She backtracked and resumed spotting her niece. "It's okay! I'll catch you! Don't worry!"

Phoebe was anything but worried. The stubborn tot kept on climbing until she reached the right branch and resumed tracking down the increasingly annoyed cock-a-three. The triple-headed bird eyed her warily as she crawled towards it.

"Sweetie, c'mere! Come to Daddy! Come on! C'mere!" Her father's calls fell on inattentive little ears. The baby kept right on at it, until finally the bird took off into the sky with a chorus of exasperated chirps, leaving her all alone on the wobbling branch.

"It's okay, I got you." Dipper finally reached her height. "I got you. It's okay-"

He barely stepped onto the branch and it immediately started to bend dangerously low under his weight. Dipper retreated and waited with bated breath. Luckily his little girl was still hanging on just fine.

Mabel got an idea. She waved her arms and started yelling encouragingly. "Go to Daddy! Go to your Daddy, Fee-Fee!"

"Yeah, come to me! Come to Daddy!" Dipper chimed in. "C'mon! C'mon! Come to Daddy!"

"Go to Daddy! C'mon, you can do it!"

"Over here, honey!"

"There is he is! Look! Look!"

Phoebe just wordlessly looked backed between her father and aunt while she stayed perfectly put. Unfortunately, this just wasn't working. Dipper thought furiously and quickly hatched a plan. "Mabel! Grappling hook!"

"What?" She asked from below.

"The grappling hook!" He repeated. "Mabel, use your grappling hook! Aim it for one of the bigger branches up there and grab Phoebe on the way up!"

"Ohhhhh, gotcha! Don't worry, Fee-Fee! Your Aunt Maymay's on the way! GRAPPLING H-" Mabel reached beneath her sweater and her heroic yell died on her lips.

"...Mabel? Why are you stopping?" Dipper demanded frantically. "Now is not the time for stopping!"

"Just hold on! I need to….huh….maybe it's in my….. I….uh, it might be….wait…." She searched all over before unhappily realizing, "I….I think it's in my other sweater!"

"What? What other sweater?!"

"Uh….Not sure." She searched her memory. "First I was wearing the green one with the fat robin this morning….then I got change for my referee sweater when the kids wanted to play soccer….and then I-"

"Seriously?!" Dipper began climbing back down.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where do you think you're going?!" Mabel yelled.

"Going inside to get the stupid grappling hook!" He said impatiently.

"And leave your baby up there alone all by herself?! Are you cray-cray?"

"Okay, then you go inside-"

"What if she falls after I leave" Mabel squealed in disbelief. "Who's gonna catch her?"

Dipper hit his head against the tree. Just how on earth was he supposed to be the "smart guy" again? "Okay, okay, uh…..maybe we can-"

Their brainstorm came to an end when strong gust of wind blew in and sent all the branches swaying. They both immediately started calling for the baby again.

"Go your Daddy, Fee-Fee!

"C'mon, you can do it! C'mon! I'm right here!"

"Go to your Daddy! Go to Daddy!"

The little girl looked around. As something caught her eye she brightened up with a squeak, "...Mama?"

"What? No, I'm not Mama. I'm Dad!" Dipper reminded her. "Come to me! Please?!"

"Mama!" She excitedly chirped.

"No, not Mama! Daddy! And he'd really like it if you could…just….get….over….." He desperately reached out as far as his noodly arm stretched.

"Mama!"

"No, that's not your Mommy, that's your Daddy!" Mabel shouted.

"Mama! Mama!" The baby repeated.

"Sweetie, I'm not Mama! I'm Daddy!" Dipper gasped.

"No, but _**I'm**_ Mama!" An angry voice yelled out. It looked like Wendy had returned from her afternoon out with her old friends. As soon as she finished parking the car the half-incredulous, half furious mother tore on over as fast as she could. "What's going on?"

"Sorry!" Dipper instinctively started climbing down towards his angry wife. "I'm sorry! Look, we just took our eyes off her for a second and-"

"Dipper, NO!" Mabel yelled. "Stay there!"

"Sorry!" He stopped. "Okay, so Phoebe saw a bird outside, and…and then this!"

Wendy couldn't believe what she was seeing. Well actually she could, but she definitely didn't like it. "And she got all the way up there?"

"Yes!"

"How...how'd she even get that high?" She took a moment to gawk at her baby's accomplishment.

"Your genes! That's how!" He shouted back.

Wendy let out a frustrated groan. Their little phantom squirrel of a daughter had really outdone herself this time. The lanky woman moved like a fish through water as she scaled up through the branches, and soon she had reached Phoebe's height. "C'mon, cutie. I got you-"

"WAIT!" Both the twins yelled.

Wendy put one booted foot on the branch and her weight immediately made it dip hard. She stepped away, but unfortunately the branch kept sagging. She took a deep breath and then groaned despairingly at her tot. "Do we need to put a bell on you or something?"

"Mama!" Phoebe squeaked back at her.

"That's right! Here she is!" Dipper pointed.

"Right over there! See Your Mommy?" Mabel yelled. "Go to Mommy!"

Wendy quickly realized what they were doing, and joined right in. "Yeah! See, it's me! Here's Mama! Come to me!"

"Mama!" The baby called.

"That's right! Here she is!" Dipper tried shimmying across the branch just beneath Phoebe's, but he had to retreat to the trunk when it started to break under his weight. Wendy meanwhile kept motioning desperately to the baby.

"Come to Mama!" Wendy yelled. "Come to Mama! Right here! Come to Mama!"

"Mama!" Phoebe kept happily calling back. "Mama! Ma-"

They heard a small crack, and the branch began sagging. Time seemed to stand still for a horrific eternity of a moment. Suddenly there was a loud snap.

"Ph-" Wendy tried to call before the final crack came. The branch had broke.

It happened so fast. Mabel and Wendy saw the baby begin to fall, and without even thinking Dipper launched himself off the tree with arms outstretched. Phoebe suddenly vanished inside a blur that took a bumpy ride down to earth, bouncing off nearly every major branch on the way down like a pinball before finally reaching the ground.

"Ow." Dipper uncurled his body and went limp. Wendy climbed down as fast as she humanly could while Mabel raced to her brother.

"Dipper? Dipper!"

"Phobee..." He gazed up and groaned softly, "Is….is Phoebe okay?"

"Oh! Uh..." Mabel could swear that her heart stopped as she checked the baby. Phoebe was currently clinging tightly to father's chest, and although she definitely looked rattled, otherwise she seemed fine. Mabel's gut unknotted, and as stroked her niece's head and wheezed happily, "She's A-okay, bro-bro!"

"Good." Dipper managed a brief ghost of a smile before letting his head fall limply back.

Wendy then arrived on the scene. She was in such a panic that at first she could sputter as she checked over her husband and baby. Dipper was covered with bruises and scratches, but it seemed like hitting all those branches had ironically broken most of his fall. Wendy swept Phoebe into one arm, Dipper into the other and crushed them both tight while the relief surged through her veins.

"Doofus." She whispered thankfully.

"Hey, anything for-" Dipper was interrupted by a grunt of pain. "W-Wendy? A little gentler, please? O-ow..."

While the little family had their moment, Mabel finally realized something. The stunned brunette went so bug-eyed that she almost knocked her own glasses off of her face. "Wait….WAIT! Hold the phone here….did…did Phoebe just talk?"

"Huh?" Wendy's head shot up.

"What?" Dipper craned his neck around.

"She did!" Mabel clapped her cheeks. "She did! She was totally doing it! Right now, up on the tree! She was going on and on about her Mama!"

The two parents looked to one another and quickly remembered.

"Holy shi-" Wendy clapped a hand over her mouth. She didn't want one of kid's first words to be a swear. She had made that mistake already with her niece and nephew. The excited mother started to urge eagerly, "Say it again! Say it!"

"Can you say Mama? Can you?" Dipper instantly forgot all about his new bruises and aches as he cooed to their child.

The baby was still a little shaken. She looked around in a slight small daze until she gazed into her father's freshly battered face. She cocked her head and squeaked softly, "...Da-ee?"

Dipper was dumbstruck. Wendy gasped. "Did you just-"

"Da-ee!" The baby repeated. Her delighted mother settled her into Dipper's chest.

"Say it again!" She eagerly demanded around her laughter.

"C'mon, Fee-Fee!" Mabel sang.

"Da-ee!" She chirped. "Da-ee!"

Now Dipper had become the silent one. The shocked young man just stare stared speechlessly at her for a couple seconds before turning to his wife and murmuring, "S-sorry."

"Sorry?" She repeated incredulously before cracking up even harder. "Wait, why?"

"Um, because she…..she was supposed to say 'Mama?" it sounded like he was still in a bit of a muddled daze from his fall. Wendy snorted and gave him a fierce hug.

"I think you earned this one." She planted a fat kiss on his cheek. "What do you think, cutie?"

"Da-ee!" Phoebe squeaked again, and earned herself a proud pat on the head.

"Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh…." Video documentation was needed, and now. Mabel searched furiously for her phone while she babbled a mile a minute."Talking! Baby finally talking, first words happening, right now! Oh it's just..."

Wendy meanwhile helped prop Dipper up."So are you okay?"

"I've had worse." He was able to say with one hundred percent honestly, all thanks to the somewhat unusual lives they led (to put it lightly). He rubbed his aching back and grimaced, "Though I definitely don't want to do that again anytime soon."

"Well hopefully someone's going to be doing lot less ghosting around now that she's finally…." Wendy looked down and saw she had spoken too soon. Phoebe had vanished from Dipper's lap. "What the?"

"Oh!" Mabel was surprised to see her niece had managed to clamber all the way up to her hips without being noticed. "Well hello there! Do you have something to say to me too?"

Phoebe did, in fact. Now that she had broken her silence, she was going full steam ahead with her newfound ability. It took some effort but she managed to squeak, "M-May…Maymay!"

Mabel's eyes went almost as wide as saucers. She scooped up her baby niece and broke out into a jubilant dance. "Ooooh, ooooh! Do it again! Who am I?"

"Maymay!"

"Yes! That's right! That's right!" She was beyond ecstatic. "Again! Who am I?"

"Maymay!" The baby happily answered.

"Who am?"

"Maymay!"

Yes! Yes!" While she lost her mind from pure joy, Dipper and Wendy watched on.

"So….the talking's a thing now….and looks like the stealth climbing's still kind of an issue." He observed. Dipper looked to his wife and smiled weakly, "Um….one out of two's not too bad, right?"

Meanwhile Mabel continued to turn their daughter into a chatterbox. "Who's the best auntie?"

"Maymay!"

"Who's your favorite in the whooooole wiiiide world?"

"Maymay! Maymay!"

"Yes!" The brunette whooped to the high heavens. "Yes! Yesyesyesyesyes YES!"

As she listened to the pair, Wendy chuckled before planting a celebratory peck on her husband's cheek. "Sounds like a win if I ever heard one..."


	60. Odds and Ends - 4

Nothing too much, just a fourth collection of shorts to enjoy as we all count down to the finale! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"**Labyrinth" **

"...Mommy?" A little boy called out into the all-surrounding darkness. "Mommy? Mommy!"

At first only silence greeted him back in the long, cramped tunnel. Suddenly he heard some rustling.

"Your mother?" A throaty chuckle echoed back "Oh, you won't find her in here."

The toddler could barely see his own hand in front of his face. But he could definitely feel the floor and walls vibrate around him as something drew near. When he realized it was coming from right ahead, he began backing off.

"I'm who's coming for you, child." Answered a fiendish singsong growl. "I'm coming…"

"Mommy?" He instinctively called.

"I told you, your mother's not here…." Steadily it grew closer. Finn whirled around and started to to scamper away. Where he was fleeing to exactly, the four-year-old didn't know. He just know he needed to try and get away. His pursuer meanwhile drew closer. Closer. Closer. The gap between them quickly narrowed with every passing moment.

"Mommy!" He shouted.

"Your mother is gone! There is only ME now!" She was right behind him now. "There is only…"

A pair of hands shot out and nabbed him in their grasp. "_**THE TICKLE-BEAST**_!"

Finn let out a piercing squeal as he was lovingly attacked. His tiny thrashing feet accidentally kicked a nearby wall, sending a panel of cardboard tumbling wide open. Fresh sunlight poured in over the giggly mother and her laughing little boy. Finn managed to wriggle free of her clutches and crawl off.

"Come back here!" Mabel got in one final fearsome roar before her voice returned to its usual bubbly pitch. "The Tickle-Beast demands more tickling!"

"Can't catch me again, tickelbeest!" He playfully taunted. "Can't catch meeeee!"

"Can't catch me too, Mommy!" Gladys's squeaks bounced from somewhere in the maze. A loud oink echoed out from somewhere.

"Oooooh, we'll see about that!" Mabel sang and crawled off in happy pursuit of the nearest giggles. "Tickle-Beast on the hunt! Watch out!"

"She smells laughter! Over here, little dudes!" Soos called to the kids from elsewhere in the maze. "Follow me to the west wing!"

Their muffled cries and laughs rang out from all around the ramshackle structure that now took up a good chunk of the Mystery Shack's back yard. Dipper casually sipped a glass of iced tea while he listened to all the fun from the porch.

"Phoebe's down and out. So how are they going with the-" Wendy sauntered out and was immediately wowed. "Whoa."

"It's something, huh? They really went all out with the maze." Her husband said distractedly. Even for his sister, this was an impressive creative accomplishment. "I don't think there's literally a single box left in the Shack right now."

"Stan's definitely not going to be happy about this." Wendy remarked. On cue a gruff reminder rang out from inside.

"Remember, you're puttin' all of those back when you're done!" Stan yelled.

"I think he already knows." Dipper replied to his wife, and the two shared a chuckle. Together they looked back out at the homemade maze and listened to the sounds of merriment echoing out from within. The young man sipped his tea again and passed a glance to the lanky redhead. "Uh, so, question…."

"Sup?"

"Is it okay if….I mean…." He quickly decided there was literally no mature way to put this. Dipper wore a slightly embarrassed smile as he tried asking again, "Is it weird if I kind of want to join them?"

"Honestly? I think it's weird you're still hanging around out here." Wendy replied. Without further ado she kicked off her sandals and grinned playfully at him. "Race you in…."

* * *

"**Parenthood"**

Wendy woke to a shrill wail in the middle of the night. Drunk with exhaustion, it took her some time until she could tell where the bed ended and literally everything else began, and all she could do was flop about. Finally though she peeled herself up and stumbled off. With only a precious few hours of sleep under her belt, she moved like a redheaded zombie. All she had to do was go across the hall, but the tired new mother ended up getting lost and stranded in the bathroom for a little while before she could figure it out where she was. Finally she found her way into Phoebe's room.

"Okay, okay, Mama's here, cutie. You hungry?" She yawned as she reached into the crib. The baby of course didn't say anything. In fact she seemed to have calmed quite a bit in the last few minutes, both to Wendy's surprise and relief. "Huh. Going easier on me tonight, huh? Thanks. Alright, now gimme just a sec….."

Wendy sat down in the nearby rocking chair, pulled her shirt up partway and positioned her child accordingly. "C'mon, let's go…..c'mon, it's just latching. Let's go... "

"Wendy?" She heard Dipper call from down the hall. "What are you doing?"

"Just feeding the baby." She answered around another yawn. The tired mother then grumbled to her daughter, "Let's go already...not like you haven't done this a thousand times already."

"...What?" Dipper incredulously called back after a long puzzled pause.

"Phoebe sounded hungry. I'm feeding her." Another confused silence followed.

"Okay….uh, so how are you doing that exactly?" Her husband plodded into the doorway. His heavy bag-lined eyes suddenly sprung open wide. "Whoa! Uh...Wendy?"

Wendy's own emerald eyes popped in surprise after she noticed that a three-week-old Phoebe Pines was hungrily chugging a bottle in Dipper's noodle arms.

"Wait, how is she…." She took a moment to finally examine the "baby" she held at her chest, and only then realized that it was much, much lighter and fluffier than their daughter. "Crap. This is her sheep."

"Uh...looks like it, yeah." Dipper awkwardly affirmed. "Uh...I got her while you were in the bathroom."

"Huh." She grunted, her gaze still resting on the cuddly stuffed animal in her arms. Yet another long quiet settled upon the two sleep-deprived parents before Dipper asked, "Wendy? You okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. Just...thinking right now."

"About what?"

"If this is the saddest thing or the funniest thing…"

* * *

"**Naughty"**

The little trio sat together in the corner of the living room. The tiny twins sat in a small plastic hair each and their mother stood right behind them with arms folded and back straight.

"...Done now?" Her little son asked. Both the tykes turned around and jointly shot her a hopeful look.

"No, not yet." Mabel answered.

The toddlers fixed their attention right back to the corner. After about a minute, Gladys turned about on her little plastic stool and squeaked, "Now?"

"Not now." The young woman said firmly. Silence fell again on the trio. This time only about thirty seconds passed until Finn took his turn.

"Now?"

"Nuh-uh." She shook her head.

Barely even ten seconds before her daughter had another go at it.

"N-"

"Nope."

It didn't matter how many times they asked or how much they squirmed. This was something that Mabel had realized early on as a mother. Fun could still be the order of the day, and that's the way it was usually under her roof. However, there definitely had to be some boundaries to keep family shenanigans from running too wild. Her children needed to see that house rules were house rules, with no exceptions. So if a prescribed punishment was ten minutes, then it was going to be the full ten minutes. Not one second more, but not one second less either.

Finally the phone alarm rang from her pocket, signaling the end loud and clear. Both tiny twins sprang to their feet.

"All done!" Finn announced.

"Yup, all done!" Mabel broke out into her iconic toothy smile. She beamed appreciatively at her offspring. "Thanks for waiting with Mommy while she was in time out."

"Itsokay!" Her son chirped.

"You gotta be cahful." Gladys admonished gently as she took her mother's hand. "Can't use naughty words like that."

"Don't worry." Mabel giggled. Thanks to the badly stubbed toe she gave herself a few minutes, she walked away from the corner with a slight limp. "Mommy's going to do a better job of trying not to be a big potty-mouth."

* * *

**"Concern"**

"...Hello, Little Seeds Preschool. How may I help you?"

"Hi there! This is Mabel! Mabel Pines! Finn and Gladys's mom, remember?"

"Oh yes, of course. What do-"

"I wanted to call and say that things got a little cray-cray here at school today. Long story short, I put out the fire out in the kiln, and everything's going to be fine, it's just a little bit smoky in here right now. So I'm going to stay a little later to clean up. But don't worry! My brother Dipper's swinging by to pick up my little gentleman and my little lady. Is that okay?"

"Oh. Um, yes that's fine-"

"Great! You'll know him when you see him. He's basically just guy-me. See you tomorrow morning at drop-off!" Mabel sang as she hung up. With near-perfect timing, a young man bearing an unmistakable resemblance entered the brightly colored playroom almost right after the phone conversation ended.

"Hello?" He flashed an awkward smile at the professional caretaker. "Hey, I'm Dipper. Uh, Pines. Dipper Pines. I don't know if my sister called yet, but I'm Mabel's brother. I'm here for-"

"Oh yes, I just got off the phone with her." The young woman warmly assured him. "The kids are-"

"Hey guys!" A flannel-clad redhead strolled in with a baby lumped on her hip. Finn and Gladys Pines looked up from a half-finished block-tower and chorused with happy squeals at the sight of all the familiar faces.

"Hiiiii!" Finn hugged his uncle's side.

"Aunt Wenny! Unca Dippeh! Phoebe!" His sister meanwhile bounced about like her feet were springs. "Whathca doin' heah?"

"We're pickin' you two-" Wendy didn't get a chance to finish speaking before her little niece nabbed her by the hand.

"We fingeh-painted today! C'mon! You gotta see my painting!" Gladys insisted. "I painted lotsa duckies!"

"And then you gotta lookit mine! C'mon, lookit!" Finn started pushing the back of her legs. Wendy cackled as she and Phoebe were forcibly led off.

"No choice as usual, huh?" She cracked while they herded her away.

It was then that Dipper noticed the odd look that the caretaker was giving his spouse and daughter. Was something wrong? Did Mabel let them know that they might come too? He didn't want to run afoul of any rules here. To be on the safe side, he cleared his throat and clarified, "Uh, they're both with me."

"Huh?" The woman turned to him.

"Yeah, Wendy and Phoebe. My wife and daughter. Uh….she's their aunt. And Phoebe's their cousin." He explained. The massive gasp that the woman then let out gave him quite the surprise. She looked far more relieved than the situation seemed to call for.

"Is….everything okay?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"No, no, it's fine. It's just that…" She paused, then motioned for him to wait. She went and fetched a small crayon drawing that she passed into his hands. "Gladys drew this today."

The adorable attempt at a family drawing was full of smiling stick figures. One of the grinning scrawls had what could only be described as a fountain of red gushing out of the top of her head as she wielded a crudely drawn axe. Besides this, she also held a smaller stick figure that also had a crimson head-gusher. As he gazed upon the accidentally morbid piece of art, she awkwardly cleared her throat.

"I was worried that...well, I actually wasn't sure, it's just that..." she tried to explained. "You see-"

"It's okay." He quickly reassured her. "If I were you, I'd probably be a little freaked out too."

* * *

"**Her Favorite"**

"Okay, naptime." Dipper plucked his drowsy-looking daughter off the living room floor and carried her into the nursery. Phoebe took one look at her crib and began to squirm in drowsy protest.

"Don't worry, I didn't forget." Her father knelt down in front of her bookshelf. "Let me rephrase that. Story time, then naptime. Okay, now let's see what we have here…..maybe something classic? The Three Little Pigs? Look, they look just like Waddles, don't they?"

She let out an unenthused yawn. Her undeterred father kept browsing the titles.

"All right, that's a no. Let's see what else….hmmm….want to read 'The Monster at the End of this Book'?" He asked. His one and a half-year-old shook her head. She wasn't in the mood for fuzzy blue muppets either.

"Okay, still got plenty to choose from here. 'The Runaway Bunny'? Or 'The Very Hungry Caterpiller'? Maybe 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs?'" He ran through title after title, but not one stirred her interest. Finally, she peered up into his eyes with a look that seemed to silently ask him why he was even bothering with this routine. He should know perfectly well that what she wanted was her favorite book, as usual. Finally her father gave in with a mock-exasperated eyeroll.

"Fine, you win." They briefly left the room so he could go fetch the particular book from his and Wendy's room. "But you can't blame me for trying…."

Soon the two were seated in the rocker. Phoebe lay curled up against his chest well he finished another entry in the tome on his lap.

"...Were-bears are not to be engaged during a full moon. Their strength and ferocity make them extremely difficult to take down, even if attacking in a group. They should instead be tracked down during the day when they're human so lifting the curse can be as quick and relatively painless as possible. A poultice of honey, rosemary, blood root, and the hairs of a wild grizzly held against the infected bite wound should free them from the curse."

He stopped to check on his kid. Phoebe had gone limp as a sack of flour. Dipper closed up the leather bound journal documenting some of various paranormal discoveries his family had made over the past few years. However, his daughter wasn't down and out for the count just yet. Phoebe cracked her eyes open and let out a small pleading whimper.

"Okay, okay. But just one more. Got it?" Dipper tried to sound firm, and failed miserably thanks to the proud smile that stretched across the entire width of his face. He planted a quick kiss on her forehead, reopened Journal Number Four and continued story time."Let's see….ah, here we go. 'The centi-corn - this animal is one of the friendliest creatures in the Gravity Falls region, and will always greet anyone new that it meets with a friendly nuzzle. This also makes it one of the most dangerous creatures in the area as well due to its one hundred needle-sharp….'"


	61. An Outside Perspective

A bunch of you asked for them, so here they are!

Also, I've gotten a couple questions about this recently, so I'll just make an official statement - even after the finale comes, I don't plan on stopping. For now I'll still chug right along with my ridiculous AU.

Anyways, as usual, enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

Robbie and Tambry Valentino had just settled down in front of the TV when they were scared half to death by an urgent knocking at their door. Their takeout lo mein spilled all over their laps as they shot to their feet.

"Guys, open up! Open up!" The sudden arrival yelled. The shocked couple recognized the voice instantaneously. Robbie rushed over and answered the door before it could be battered right off of its hinges.

Wendy Pines was standing on their front step looking like she was ready to wage a one-woman war. She was decked out in thick jeans, a camo-patterned jacket, her fingerless gloves, a dark smear of mud under each of her emerald eyes, and had her normally free-flowing hair had been tied up in a tight knot. Even more alarming was the small arsenal she had on her. This included one large hunting knife, no less that three different-sized hatchets in her shoulder belt, plus a crossbow and a full quiver of arrows strapped onto her back.

To put it plainly, it was not something neither of the Valentinos expected to see at around six o'clock on a mild summer evening. The scene was made all the more surreal by the bright-eyed and calm baby girl that Wendy carried.

"What the he-" Before Robbie knew it his friend was shoving both Phoebe and a bright yellow diaper bag into his arms.

"I need you to take her." She said breathlessly.

"What?!" The surprised young man fumbled with both bag and baby until Tambry snapped Phoebe up into a firmer hold.

"Wait, what happened?"

"They took them. Everyone." Wendy breathlessly explained. "I was out with the baby, so it's just her and me left."

"Wait WHAT?" Tambry felt like she was definitely missing out on quite a few key details here. "Hold on. Wendy, what-"

"Look, I really need to go. Just keep an eye on the baby for now, okay?" she asked again.

"But-"

"I'll be back." She promised. "I really just need you to look after her while I take care of this. We should be okay."

"Okay from what? Wendy, what is going on here?" She tried to grab her friend's arm but she pulled away.

"I told you, I can't stick around." Wendy urgently reminded. "I need to go and get-"

Tambry's worry was skyrocketing, but it wasn't rising nowhere near as fast as her frustration was. Something major was clearly happening here, but so far and Robbie had been given absolutely zero answers.

"Wendy!" She snapped. "What. Is. Going. ON?"

"Just watch the baby!" Wendy growled so fiercely that both her friends had to take a step back. Hastily she softened her tone. "Please. I don't know where else to take her right now. I need you guys to do this. Please"

"Uh…." Tambry looked at the pleading look in her friend's emerald eyes. She quickly changed her mind and decided that this was neither the time for arguments or delays of any sort. She just nodded wordlessly. The battle-ready lumberjill leaned over to give her tyke a quick kiss on the forehead.

"Mama's going to be back with everyone real soon, okay? I promise." She vowed. With no more time to spare, Wendy whirled around and sprinted back to the idling truck in the driveway. Seconds later she was pulling away with a shrill squeal of tires. Her stunned friends watched until the red rear lights vanished off in the distance.

"Uh...we can just wait for her to explain later." Tambry told her husband.

"Um, sure. That's probably a good call." A very rattled Robbie agreed as he gave her a pat on the back. He then glanced down at the baby girl in his wife's arms and grimaced anxiously. "So, um…."

"What?"

"...We didn't, like….we didn't just become parents now, did we?"

"What? No! C'mon, Wendy just said she'll be back. Whatever it is, it's going to be fine." She looked to Phoebe. "It's going to be fine, right?"

The tiny redhead just smiled quietly at them while she clutched her fluffy stuffed lamb.

"Wait, so….are you telling her, or asking her?" Robbie was confused. Her shoulders sagged as she let out a heavy groan.

"I have no idea."

The next few hours passed with a nervous tension hanging heavily in the air. First they ate some salvaged takeout in near-silence, with Tambry feeding every other forkful of pan-fried noodles to the baby. Robbie then headed into the funeral parlor to try and ease some of his stress by doing some early setup for a memorial service they were going to hold the next day. Tambry whiled away the time watching TV with little Phoebe, who was her usual quiet selt as she sat perched in her "aunt's" lap. Tambry chatted with her as they flipped through various shows, partially to keep the tyke occupied but mostly to help keep herself distracted from the worry simmering in her gut.

"...See there? Now when that guy is done swinging from the ropes, he needs to bounce on those red things there before he can climb that mountain-thing. And he's supposed to finish all that and hit the buzzer before the time runs out there." The baby gave her a curious stare. "Wow. Sounds pretty stupid when you actually have to explain it, huh?"

The was a knock on the door. It was a rather gentle one, but that didn't stop Tambry from instinctively tightened her arms around her best friend's child. Robbie raced in with a baseball bat awkwardly wielded at the ready for whoever (or possibly whatever) had just showed up. The couple shared a wordless glance as they held their breaths.

"Hello?" The visitor called. "Hello?"

Phoebe brightened up in the blink of an eye. "Da-ee!"

Both Tambry and Robbie recognized the voice too, but Robbie at least wasn't ready to put his guard down just yet. He still gripped his weapon tightly as he opened the door just a crack. Dipper Pines was looking a little roughed up, but otherwise appeared just fine as he stood there on the front step.

"Hey." He quickly noticed that Robbie was armed and frowned apologetically. "Whoa, sorry for scaring you."

"Oh. Uh…." Robbie fumbled to stow the improvised club away. "Oh, uh, n-no, it's cool. I just-"

"No, I definitely get it. I mean, it's been a pretty crazy night for-"

"Da-ee! Da-eeeee!" Phoebe practically leapt out of Tambry's arms and into his. Dipper exhaled heavily with relief as he squeezed her close.

"Hey there honey." He happily murmured. She giggled and burrowed her head far as she could under the crook of his neck while hold her. "It's okay, I'm back. Daddy's back."

"Da-ee!" She squeaked.

"So...uh…..what just happened?" Tambry tried asking, and almost immediately a friendly cry interrupted them.

"Hey Roberino! Hey, Tim-Tam!" Mabel waved from the bed of the pickup idling in the driveway. She sat in the truck bed along along with both her cheery-faced children, their pet pig, the two elderly Pines twins, Melody, and even a tired but relieved-looking Candy Chiu. Just like Dipper they all were looking a little roughed up with an assorted collection of bruises, light scratches and tears in their clothes. But besides these minor scrapes, ansolutely no one seemed fazed at all by whatever ordeal they just gotten out of.

Robbie's brow furrowed worriedly as he scanned the group. "Wait….where's-"

"Jesus!" Tambry swore as she laid eyes on the figure lying in the passenger seat. She bolted over and saw that it was even worse than she thought. Wendy wore a dark red stain all across the front of her jacket as she sat slumped in a limp heap. The terrified woman gave her a shake. "Wendy? Wendy! Wendy!"

The redhead stirred with a soft groan. Tambry looked to Soos, who was seated in his proper place at the wheel of his truck. "Oh my God, what happened to her?!"

"Chill!" The chubby man pat her shoulder and smiled reassuringly. "Wendy just zonked out on the way back."

"She what? But she's…." The woman sputtered, but it quickly became obvious that it wasn't as bad as she feared at all. Instead of showing any signs of pain, Wendy merely sat up, stretched her arms and let out a mighty yawn.

"Yeah. I can't blame her for being totally wiped out or anything." Soos said casually. "Wen-dawg's had a pretty bonkers night."

"Huh?" Wendy's eyes finally fluttered halfway open. She sat up and gave her friend a dozy smile. "Oh. Hey."

"Hey? Hey?! Wendy, are you okay?" Tambry found herself fussing like a worried mother. "You're like, bleeding all over the place!"

"What?" Wendy look down, and laughed the morbid stain off. "It's okay, that's not my blood."

"Not your…..wait…." Tambry finally realized that the unsettling red blotch had an inhumanly green tint to it. Wendy took her jacket off, balled it up and showed that she was wearing a blood-free tank top beneath.

"So how was Phoebe?" she casually asked with another yawn, as if none of this could possibly be more normal. .

"Uh….fine." Replied her baffled friend. "She was just fine."

"Hey cutie." The mother beamed when Dipper handed her off. She gave her squeaky baby a good long hug before she looked to her two friends. "I'm really sorry for dropping her on you like that earlier.:

"Um, sure. It was no problem." Robbie shrugged bemusedly. "We just-"

"Hey! C'mon!" Stan whacked the side of the truck. "What's the big hold up? Let's go!"

"Don't mind him, he's just bein' cranky!" Mabel laughed it off. She noticed that her twins had started to yawn and rub their eyes, and she collected the two of them into her lap. "But yeah, the Shack sounds pretty good after all that crazy biz."

"You want me to take her?" Dipper looked into the front side and pointed to Phoebe.

"Nah, she can ride up with me." Wendy cuddled her daughter. Her husband gave his wife a pat on the shoulder before he clambered into the back with the rest of the rescued clan. The redhead looked back to her two bemused friends and shouted to them, "I owe you one, big time!"

"Uh, it's…..okay?" Tambry shrugged.

"Alright, dudes!" Soos started up the truck. Next stop, Mystery Shack!"

Thank God." Ford grumbled as he wearily rubbed his eyes. The Pines and their tired but happy hero took off. Wendy made sure to give one last wave before they drove out of sight, leaving a befuddled couple alone on their lawn. For a few moments they just stood there together in a dazed silence, both quietly struggling to figure out what on earth had just happened.

"Uh….later." Tambry decided. "We can just wait for her to explain everything later. Right?"

"Um…..Y-yeah," Robbie nodded as he draped an arm around her shoulder. "That's probably a good call…."


	62. Pest Control

Whoooo! Series over with an epic bang!

In the meantime, as I said before I'm still going to go along with my little series here for the time being, which survived...mostly intact. Except (*MAJOR SPOILERS SKIP THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF NECESSARY*) now everyone in Gravity Falls is aware that weirdness exists in their town...and Pacifica being broke...and the Gleeful family being completely redeemed...yikes.

Until I figure that stuff, I'm going to take the easy/admittedly cheap way out for now and yell "Slightly alternate universe!" for all the current major discrepancies.

Meanwhile enjoy a little snippet, and hopefully I can get the first chatper new multi-chaptered story (which ddp456 has been helping out with) up within a few days. - _**SGA**_

* * *

"...And now on Gravity Falls Public Radio we bring you the evening news. Another strange sighting was reported yesterday evening. For the fifth time in just the last two days town residents have reported spotting a tall creature that that has been consistently described as having large wings and enormous glowing red eyes. A consulted expert from Oregon State University says that the growing number of incidents can probably be attributed to the barred owls common to the area, but many locals remain firmly convinced that…."

High in his treetop perch, his supersonic hearing let him listen to the the radio crackle from the passing truck with effortless ease. A sibilant hiss of a laugh streamed from his throat.

An owl? The thought amused him to no end.

Enormous dust-grey wings spread open wide before he took off into the dusky sky. Maybe their story would change after a local or two went missing. That might take a while for the fools to notice though, what with the little northwest town being so isolated in these mountainous woods. In other words, it was the absolute perfect feeding ground.

He carefully patrolled the outskirts of Gravity Falls, and finally settled on a large tumbledown building with several figures hanging around outside of it. With expert silence he latched onto a hefty evergreen and surveyed the scene down below.

It was small gathering on the back porch. Several grown humans were lazing about and chatting with one another. He tapped his claws against the bark of the hefty tree with eager delight. There was such a wonderful selection for him to choose from. One of them was quite plump, meaning that there was probably enough fatty meat on his bones to keep his appetite satiated for at least a week. There were also two old greying ones he could definitely take as easy pickings. The others looked like they could possibly put up a decent fight. That is, if they'd be able to see him coming in for a swoop. Which of course they wouldn't. If the deer he usually ate never saw him coming, what chance did they have?

He instantly forgot all about these tasty options the instant that he laid compound eyes on all of the delicious-looking little ones. There were two near-identical little humans, a small red-haired one, and a fat little pig to top it all off. He's never had child before, but he imagined them to be quite tender. In mere seconds he was on the verge of salivating. This was basically a small feast ripe for the taking.

With a swish of his large wings he glided a little closer, landing in the branches of another sturdy pine tree. H couldn't help himself, and he let out another hiss of a laugh. This was going to be absurdly easy. He'd be able to fly in and grab at least two of the young ones before the adults even knew it. In no time he'd be rending them into bite-sized chunks with his claws, crunching through their bones, and filling his belly with fresh meat.

His wings silently spread open wide. There was no time like the present, especially with his hunger pangs getting sharp. Now all he had to do was…..

All….he had….to do….

All he…..had to….

All…..

Light. He saw the light. Not just any light, but a glorious light. How on earth did he not notice it earlier? Such sweet, wonderful heavenly light, blazing so brightly that he could practically feel its welcoming warmth already. It shone like a star, signaling to him, silently calling him. beckoning him, singing for him with a bright beauty the likes of which was beyond comparison. He wanted it. He wanted nothing more than to be one with that light. Such beautiful, magnificent light.

He didn't realize that his flapping wings had already begun to carry him to towards it. It was almost like he was floating on air as he was drawn towards the utter majesty. He wanted that light. He had to be with it. It was just so enchanting. So wonderful. So beautiful. So-

* * *

Up until that point it had been a nice low key evening for the Pines clan. The adults sipped their choice of beer or Pitt soda as they lounged and gabbed away with one another. The kids meanwhile contented themselves knocking a ball about.

"...'Kay, here it comes!" Finn kicked it towards his baby cousin. Phoebe toddled over and ended up falling on top of it, and she sent the ball bouncing up onto the back porch of the Shack.

"Ball pleeeeease!" Gladys trilled politely.

"I got it." The children's "aunt" picked it up. Melody Ramirez then thought twice about it, and promptly left her seat on the old weatherbeaten sofa to join in on the silly fun.

"Here! Over here!" Finn waved his arms furiously.

"Bahl! Bahl!" Phoebe squeaked and grabbed onto one of their aunt's legs. Melody laughed and playfully held it just out of their reach.

"Hey, who said I was giving it back? Sorry, this is mine now!" She teased them.

"Nooo! Givit, Aunt Melly!" Gladys latched on, and her brother followed in short fashion.

The chubby woman laughed as she let them "tackle" her down to the ground. The fun was abruptly interrupted when she noticed the grey blur that camp firing out of the surround woods with a barely-audible swoop of enormous wings. Moving fast, she got back up on her feet and shielded the children in her arms.

"INCOMING!" She barely had time to warn the others.

Everyone on the porch averted their eyes away from the homemade contraption standing nearby. It was a pretty crude affair, to say the very least. The large cage that formed its foundation usually sat inside the Shack's exhibit halls, where various stuffed abominations would be displayed behind its bars for purely dramatic effect. But tonight it held an absolutely enormous pile of white Christmas lights, all twinkling brightly together as they drew in the visitor with their seductive glow.

Unfortunately, the creature didn't see any of the dozen car batteries that had been hooked to the metal frame of the cage until it was too late. Everyone could literally hear him flash-cook with a brilliant sizzle. In the span of an instant he had been shocked out of existence. The startled family all gazed upon the smoking half insect, half humanoid remains for a few silent moments.

"...Whoa." Wendy exclaimed, then took a sip of her beer. "That was a BIG one."

"Alright," Stan looked around. "Who's gonna clean this one up?"

"I think it's my turn." Dipper took a quick swig of his drink and climbed to his feet.

"I didn't help with the last one, so it looks like it's Mabel's turn too!" The bubbly brunette bounced into the Shack and quickly returned with a couple garbages bags, a shovel, and some rubber dishwashing gloves.

"Hold on, dudes! Just one sec!" Soos was still disconnecting all the heavy batteries. Once he was finished disarming the giant makeshift bug zapper, he gave a thumbs up. "Okay, good to go!"

"Thanks Soos." The siblings chimed together as they casually got to work. Meanwhile the unfazed children were already clamoring to return to their silly game.

"Throwwit, Aunt Melly! Throwwit!"

"Noooo, thow it to meeee!"

"Alright, here it comes!" Melody trundled out into the thick of the fun, and the kids mobbed her almost immediately.

Stan watched his great-niece and nephew gather the charred husk of their would-be hunter into a garbage bag for a little while before he noticed the enormous smirk that his brother was wearing. He rolled his eyes and muttered gruffly, "What?"

"You know exactly what." Ford jubilantly shot back. Stan groaned as he took out a five dollar bill from his wallet.

"You got lucky." He huffed before handing it over.

As a twin, Ford couldn't help but rub his win into his brother's face just a little. "I told you there was a mothman hunting in the area…."


	63. Captive Audience

Here's a little silly something I wrote a few weeks back after a suggestion ddp456 and finally got around to editing. As you can all imagine, these little shorts won't be popping up as often for a little while now that I have _Project Lumberdork_ occupying the bulk of my attention (chapter 3 is currently in-progress), but I'll still keep updating here as well when I can. Said updates will eventually include:

\- A story idea from by Kraven the Hunter

\- A plot suggested by Kimbee3

Quick note, because I've been busy with PL, I may ahve forgotten others' recent ideas or suggestion. If you remember a suggestion you tossed my way that I haven't gotten back to you on, don't hesitate to remind me!

And as usual, enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

Wendy awoke with a mighty yawn. She cracked open her emerald eyes and instinctively tried to stretch her arms. But after they refused to come apart from one another, she quickly realized something wasn't quite right.

She shot up on the sofa and got a long hard look at herself. Not only were her wrists were tied in front of her, but her ankles and lower legs were bound together too. She still wasn't even fully awake, and already panic was surging through her system. A dozen different thoughts raced through her foggy brain at once. What happened? Where was everyone? More importantly, where were any of the kids?

Thankfully there were no paranormal creeps or past nemeses anywhere in sight. In fact she didn't see anyone else around at all, period. She looked at her bonds again, and for an awkward moment she seriously wondered if this was Dipper's attempt to get a little bit "adventurous." That thought didn't last very long. Her dork really wasn't into that kind of stuff. Plus, she didn't think he'd even be bold enough to pull off something like this. And the realization that she in her sister-in-law's living room of all places put the final nail in the coffin of that mercifully short-lived theory.

"Uh….hello?" She warily called out. There was the patter of little feet, and her two captors entered the room.

"Hi, Aunt Wenny!" One of them climbed into her lap.

"You're 'wake!" The other squeaked.

Wendy immediately relaxed at the sight of her little niece and nephew as it all came rushing back to her. She and Dipper had been hanging out at Mabel's when the local news (Waddles IV sometimes liked to sit down and watch it for reasons his owner couldn't explain just yet) on TV did a brief report of odd happening supposedly occurring at the old factory complex just outside the city. The Mystery Twins had headed off to investigate what sounded like a possible case of supernatural activity, while she had stayed back to watch after the kids. She then remembered that she had just put Phoebe down for a nap and returned to the living room to find the little twins looking ready to doze off right where they sat playing with blocks on the floor. She had swept them up into her arms despite their weak protests.

"_Nooo…..not tired." _

"_Wanna play, Aunt Wenny." _

"_No nap. Pleeeease?" _

She remembered yawning too as she had settled down on the sofa, and also the fateful words she had had uttered while she positioned the little ones against her like she was their giant living pillow.

"_It's okay, guys. It's not naptime. This is a….it's a...a mission."_

"_Mission?" _

"_Yeah, a super-important one. I need you two to make sure that I stay right here."_ Wendy recalled feeling so clever coming up with that.

"_Stay heah?"_

"_Uh-huh. I need to stay right here, no matter what…." _

When she was done remembering, Wendy just couldn't help but laugh. Well, that had been a very poor choice of words on her part. But just to make sure, she looked to the little twins sitting on her lap and asked, "Okay, sooo….you two wanna clue me in on what's going on?"

The question seemed to puzzle the tykes.

"You said you want to stay put heah!" Gladys reminded. "Wight heah!"

"I did say that, didn't I?" She chuckled and showed off her tied-up wrists. "So what's the deal with this?"

"We did that so you'd stay put!" Finn explained.

"Stay put just like you said!" His sister chimed in. "You weah movin' a lot in youah sleep!"

The redhead honestly couldn't be mad with them. Not when they thought they had been doing exactly as they had been told. And even though they had taken things a little too far (much like their mother tended to do; Mabel would be so proud) Wendy was more amused than anything, and even a little impressed.

"Well good job." The snickering women bent over to begin undoing her bindings. "You totally-"

"Nuh-uh!" Her nephew fended her hands away.

"Hey, chill, I'm just-"

"You said you wanna stay heah! No matteh what!" Gladys sharply reminded their surprised aunt.

"Huh? Yeah I know. But now I-"

"You said no matteh what." The tyke told her again.

"I know. And now I'm going to-"

"No matter what!" Finn piped up.

"No matter what!" The kids unintentionally chimed together in unison, as twins were so apt to do. Wendy saw the determination blazing brightly in their chocolate brown eyes.

Crap. Well, this didn't look like it was going to be easy.

"Okay, c'mon." Her tone got a little firmer now. "You seriously can't leave me tied up like this. I'm your aunt, guys, and I'm telling you-"

"But you told us to keep you here!" Finn argued.

"I know I did, but now I'm done being kept here." She bent over to try and untie her bindings again, and the twins batted her hands away. "Hey! Knock it off!"

"But YOU said you have to stay here no matter what!" Her nephew repeated like a squeaky broken record.

"But I-"

"No matteh what, Aunt Wenny!" Gladys reminded.

"But that was only for-"

"No matteh what!"

"No matter what!"

"No matteh what!"

"Hey-"

"Noooooooo!" Gladys squealed frustratedly. "You said it's supeh impohtant you stay heah! No matteh what!"

"You said so, Aunt Wenny!"

"But I-"

"It's super important you stay right HERE!"

The twins looked like they were about to throw a fit over their conflicting orders. Wendy quickly backed down before the tots got upset.

"Okay, okay! I hear you!" She then flopped her head on the back of the sofa with a sigh. She really, really should have known better than to give them a task of any sort, even a joke one. The twins took all of their "missions" with the utmost seriousness. She got to thinking.

"Okaaaay….so, you guys see my backpack over there?" She nodded to where it leaned up against the wall. "I have one of my axes in there."

"In theah?" Gladys squeaked.

"Uh huh." Considering just how often pure madness like to sneak up on their family, she always liked to be prepared. "So here's the new mission. I need you to get and get it for me-"

There was an immediate conflict.

"But you said we can't touch your axes, Auny Wenny!" Finn shook his head furiously.

"You, Unca Dippeh, and Mommy!" said Gladlys. "We can't touch 'em! Theeah too shawp!"

"Tooooo shawp!"

"Can neveh eveh touch 'em!"

"Right, right." She sighed. They had her there. And in immediate retrospect, asking kids to handle a hatchet (even with a leather sheath on) was a monumentally stupid idea. "So, I still can't go anywhere no matter what, huh?"

"Uh huh! That's what you said!" Finn raced off into the kitchen, and in a flash he returned dragging along a brightly colored poster. "Finn and Glad-Glad's Behavior Chart" was written at the top in Mabel's familiar swirly handwriting. There were several categories, each one designated by a separate picture and filled with various amounts of sparkling star stickers as their rewards for being good. The little boy pointed to a hand-drawn ear. "Mommy says we gotta listen when we're told what to do! See?"

Wendy noted with dismay that out of all the different behaviors, the "good listening" section clearly had the most stickers. After growing up in a clan of rowdy and out of control lumberjacks, never would she have imagined finding herself in a pickle because some kids were technically behaving too well. Then again, these little ones were practically their mother in miniature, and Mabel didn't have a mean bone in her body. The redhead chewed her lip while she wracked her brain. She needed to get a little more creative here.

"Okay….you think maybe you could go bring me a snack?"

"Oh! Yeah, we can do that!" Gladys nodded. Wasting no time, she and her brother shot off to the kitchen. After she watched them vanish from sight, Wendy's lips curled into a smile. Perfect. The redhead looked to her backpack, stood up, and made the first hop-

"OW!" She fell flat on her stomach with a heavy thud. She twisted around and spotted the separate rope tying her ankles to one of the sofa legs. Those kids had thought of _everything_.

"Snack tiiiiime!" Her niece sang as she and her brother reappeared bearing a large tupperware container between them. They set it down and opened it up, though not before Finn looked at his aunt lying on the floor and tut-tutted disapprovingly.

"You hafta stay here." He told her.

"I know, I know, I know." Wendy groaned as she struggled up onto her knees.

"It's okay!" He quickly forgive her escape attempt with a smile. The little boy took the lid off the tub and revealed some leftover pasta with meat sauce. "We brought food!"

"You know what, I actually don't think I'm-" Wendy was cut off mid-sentence when Gladys grabbed a handful and shoved it up against her open mouth. They made her take several bites, and by the time they took a break her face had become a tomato sauce-coated disaster zone.

"More?" Finn asked.

"N-no thanks." She gasped.

"Okay!" Her nephew packed the food away and put it back in the kitchen, while Gladys fetched a dishtowel. Wendy quickly discarded her her Plan B, which was going to be tell them that she had to use the bathroom. She didn't even want to think of how they'd try to figure that one out.

As her niece aggressively wiped her face down, she felt something jostle in her breast pocket. When she realized it was her phone, Wendy felt a flash of relief. But then a surge of horror followed a moment later. Call Dipper or Mabel? Wait, what was she, crazy? Why on earth would she want to see her like this, bested by these two little kids? Wendy quickly made a silent vow. She was definitely getting out on her own before they returned.

"Hey, you know what? I changed my mind." She craftily announced. "I think I'm still hungry. Could I have more pasta please?

"Okay, Aunt Wenny!"

"Hold on!" She added before kids could scamper off. "I also want some extra pepper on top."

"Okay!" Gladys squeaked. "Moah peppeh!"

"Wait!" She cleverly added a few details. "But it has to be pepper-free pepper. From a left-handed pepper shaker."

The little twins shot each other confused looks. "Uh...yeah, okay!"

The two raced off back to the kitchen, where there were definitely going to be busy for a while. Wendy went right to work on untying her legs. Unfortunately she soon found that she couldn't do much of anything. The rope was tightly secured with an array of inexplicably intricate knots. She pulled, she yanked, and at one point she even tried using brute force to Hulk her way free. But even her muscles were no match.

"Seriously? They can't even tie their shoes yet….." She grumbled under breath. The despairing woman started hitting her head against the floor. Her niece and nephew quickly rushed back in restrain her.

"Nooo! Stoppit! Aunt Wenny, youah gonna huwt yoahself!" Gladys thoughtfully took the couch pillows and laid them out right in front of her aunt.

"And you're bein' too loud!" Finn warned. "You're gonna wake up-"

A cranky wail rang through the house. Wendy immediately brightened up as her daughter's cries filled with hope. Of course, why didn't she think about Phoebe before? This was her surefire way out.

"Phoebe's awake!" Gladys squeaked.

"Oh no!" Wendy acted dismayed. "It sounds like she really needs me! Here, untie me so-"

The redhead was talking to no one. The little twins were already gone.

"We got her, Aunt Wenny!" She heard Finn reassure her from clear across the little house.

"No, wait! But I need to go get her!" Her panic now turned real.

"No it's okay! We got her! See?" How they managed to get their one-year-old cousin out of one of their old cribs with such speed was beyond Wendy, but in no time they were back again. Using freakish strength inherited from her mother, Gladys carried the snuffling Phoebe all by herself.

"It's okay, Phoebe! Lookit, it's youah Mommy! See?" She cooed before she very gently placed the baby down on the floor. Phoebe immediately calmed down a little at the sight of her mother. Meanwhile Wendy's mind raced. It was okay, she could definitely salvage this.

"You know what? I think Phoebe really, really, really needs a hug from me right now. You think maybe you guys could...wait,wait, no! Phoebe, wait! Wait! Waitwaitwait!" She babbled. The smiling Phoebe had crawled over and was now curling up on top of her mother's long, thick locks. Wendy could only watch and desperately sputter for her attention, "Phoebe, no! Don't you want Mama to hold you? Huh? You want that? Phoebe, you want a hug? Hello? Hey! Phoebe! Phoebe! Phoebe Mabel Pines!"

The little redhead yawned and snuggled into the makeshift nest. In no time Phoebe had slipped back into a contented sleep. Now Wendy couldn't even move her head anymore.

"All betteh!" Gladys celebrated.

"YAY!" Finn cheered. "We helped!"

The twins gathered around her for a victory snuggle.

"Yeah, thanks." Wendy groaned. Things had officially gone from bad to worse. It was with the greatest reluctance that she fumbled her phone from her front pocket. The time had come to face facts. She had been soundly beaten by a pair of well-meaning four year olds. Now it was time to call the cavalry. Almost as soon as she hit speed-dial for her husband, she immediately heard a phone ring nearby, followed by pair of startled gasps. Wendy's shock quickly turned to fury. "What the?! HEY!"

Only empty silence greeted her outraged cry. She whistled sharply, and her niece and nephew stood at attention. "Go check around that corner for me, okay?"

For once their eagerness to help worked completely in her favor. As soon as they raced around they erupted with surprised joy.

"Hi Mommy! Hi, Uncle Dipper!

"MOMMY! Unca Dippeh! Hiiiiii!"

"...Uh…..h-hi, babies." Mabel guiltily shuffled out into the open, and the little twins pushed their uncle out along in tow. "Um, hey Wen-Wen. How are you? The thingy at the old movie theater turned out to be a big nothing. They found out it was just a big family of raccoons by the time we got there, and…..so, yeah..."

The brunette trailed off with a cough. Wendy unhappily accepted this twist of fate with another sigh.

"So you just saw all of that, didn't you?"

"No, not everything." Dipper confessed. "Only like, the last five minutes or so."

"So...either one of you want to let me know why you just watched instead of helping?" Wendy asked with a piercing glower.

Dipper fidgeted until he worked up the courage to meet her burning emerald green stare. "Well…you'd do the same, wouldn't you?"

In a flash his meek but dead-accurate observation had disarmed her. Her husband knew her too well for her own good. Wendy tried to keep looking angry, but couldn't fight off the weak smile. "Yeah, probably. And taken loads of pictures too."

"Speaking of…." Mabel motioned to her tots. Without another word they grouped up on either side of their trapped aunt, and their mother took at least five more photos on her phone.

"So, are we done now?" Wendy asked.

"Maaaaaaybe after a couple more minutes." Mabel grinned. Wendy rolled her eyes.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Kind of yeah. I mean, you did trap us all the time when we used to wrestle." Dipper reminded her. "Like all the time."

Wendy recalled the veritable massacres that used to pass for their two-on-one matches when they were still kids. Many of those fights resulted in her pinning the two of them and happily refusing to get up. "Well that-"

"Oooohh, and don't forget those times you got us with a net!" Mabel justified with a giggle. Both she and her twin clearly remembered the instances where the former Corduroy had put her trapping skills to mischievous use. The young woman made a swooping noise as she mimicked the motion of a camouflaged net scooping up its unsuspecting catch.

"Hey, I only did that once!" Wendy immediately protested.

"Wendy…." Dipper only needed to give her one look. His now-blushing wife buried her face in the rug.

"Okay, so not once...but I couldn't have done that more than like...three or four times, tops…."

* * *

"...So how was lunch with the gal-pals?" Wendy chatted on her phone as she aimlessly plodded through her apartment. "Still going? Okay. Nah, it's cool, stay as long as you want. We're doing fine here. Ha, you should've seen it. Your little guys totally crashed playing dinosaurs vs cowboys with Dipper….yeah he got pretty worn out too. They're all zonked out in living room….hm? Sure, I'll send you a pic. Okay, okay a couple pics. Enjoy the rest of lunch. Seeya soon, Mabes."

Wendy pocketed her phone and glanced down to the dozy baby lumped on her hip. "Wanna go see if everyone else is up yet?"

Fresh up from her afternoon nap, Phoebe yawned as she clung to her mother like a baby sloth. But before Wendy could make it to the den she was met halfway by two little balls of energy.

"Hi, Aunt Wenny!" Gladys springy heart antennae wobbled back and forth as she skipped about.

"Oh no, here's trouble!" Wendy affectionately teased the refresh tykes. "You guys are awake already?"

"Yup!" Finn replied.

"Is your uncle up too?"

"No, he's still bein' a big sleepyhead! Lookit!" The little boy grabbed Wendy by her wrist and led her off. True to his word, Dipper was still snoring on the floor. She chuckled and knelt down to affectionately ruffle her dork's messy brown locks.

"Still tuckered out, huh little man?" She whispered. He just shifted and snuffled in his sleep.

"Aunt Wenny?" Gladys tugged her aunt's flannel shirt and thoughtfully lowered her voice. "Do we gotta be quiet now 'til he wakes up?"

"Yeah, we probably should…." Wendy looked back to her sleeping spouse, then glanced back to the little twins. It wasn't long until she became inspired.

"Actually." A mischievous smile took root on her freckled face. She beckoned to her little niece and nephew. " C'mon. I got a mission for you guys."

The tykes were instantly beside themselves with anticipation.

"Mission! Mission! Mission!" Gladys jumped up and down. "We getta mission!"

"What kinda mission?" Finn demanded. Together they followed her into the kitchen.

"A crazy-super important one." Wendy laughed when she located the duct tape. "I really need you to help me make sure that your Uncle Dipper stays right where he is, no matter what…."


	64. Don't you Care?

Here's a bit of a longer (and heavier) piece I've been sitting on for a while, not sure whether to post it or not. But a couple folks have been asking to see a little more of Mabel's ex, so here you are, and hopefully enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

"Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelseeeea!"

The woman's run through the park was interrupted by eager shouts. She looked up with a start and spotted the smile-faced brunette sitting perched on a bench right up ahead. Mabel waved both her hands furiously.

"Hey, Chelsea! It's me! Mabel! Mabel Pines! From school! The art teacher, remember? Hi!"

Fifth-grade teacher Chelsea Fensworth would have greatly preferred to continue her strict exercise regimen uninterrupted, but she decided to be polite and spare some time for her co-worker (though not too much). She set a quick timer on her watch, removed her earbuds and jogged over.

"Hey, how're you doing?" Mabel immediately started gushing with a river of chatter. "Going for a run? Do you do this every weekend? That's great! A lot of people really don't put in the effort to stay in shape-"

One of her three-month olds suddenly stirred with a shrill whine. Without a moment's pause the young mother hefted her son out of the double-stroller and up into her arms.

"Is he okay?" Chelsea asked her coworker.

"Finn? Oh yeah. He's fine." Mabel chortled. "My little gentlemen's just been kind all kinds of fussy this morning. Isn't that right?"

The infant grizzled against her shoulder. Chelsea raised an eyebrow. "So...you're just going to coddle him like that until he stops?"

"Uh-huh! Cuddle-time always helps calm my babies down." It was then that she noticed her co-worker wasn't merely looking at her. She was out and out gawking at her like a sideshow attraction. Mabel could tell when she was being judged, but she had no clue why. "What?"

"Oh, uh, it's nothing." She paused and thought for a moment. She had a couple very strong opinions on a few things, and that included her colleague here. While Mabel was undeniably an excellent teacher and adored by all the students, from the way she behaved Chelsea felt like she still had a lot of growing up to do. She felt it was no wonder her marriage had been so absurdly short-lived. And the fact that Mabel already had two kids to look after while she was in many ways just a big kid herself was frankly something she found a little alarming.

"Actually…." She quickly made up her mind. This was as good a time as any to help her colleague shape up a little bit with a couple badly-needed pointers, and she had plenty to give out. "You should probably be more careful with all the attention. You don't want to spoil them or anything, don't you?"

"Spoil?" The new mother repeated curiously. The question was one of the most bizarre things she had heard, and that was saying alot considering the little town in Oregon where she spent most of her summers. It had never occurred to her that one could go overboard on affection. On one hand, it just sounded like her workmate was only trying to offer some help. On the other, she didn't recall her fellow teacher ever mention having kids of her own. "Uh...where did you hear about that?"

"Oh, it just makes sense. Think about it like this. If you come running to them every time they cry, what kind of message does that give? It tells them to turn on the tears every single time that they want anything. It's just going to reinforce needy behavior." She explained very matter of factly. "It's definitely not the kind of thing I'd want any of my students to be learning. Kids need to learn to grow up."

Mabel mulled. One one hand, she could definitely see the logic. However, the other side of the argument wasn't without it's own good points. "But...they're babies."

"But you need to think long term if you really want what's best for them. Really, I feel like unless they need to be fed or have their diaper changed, you should just let them be."

"What? What if they cry?" Mabel was dismayed by the thought of leaving any child alone, especially two little tykes who weren't even old enough to sit up on their own yet.

"Then you should probably let them just go until they figure out that it's not getting them anywhere." She said, still sounding incredibly sure of herself. "It will definitely be much better for them in the long run."

"I dunno…." Mabel bit her lip. "That sounds pretty harsh to me."

"But you're not doing it to punish them. It's just tough love. I saw it while watching my sister and her kids one day, and it just hit me one day. Who was getting the most out of all those hugs and kisses every time they bumped their head or anything? She was. She was just the one who didn't want to feel like a bad mother."

"Are you sure about that?" Mabel felt pretty unsure about this "expert" advice she was being given.

"Oh yeah. I mean, when I got it, I almost wanted to tell my sister right then and there that she whether she liked it or not...honestly, she was just being selfish."

Mabel froze up at the mention of this fateful word. "...Selfish?"

She nodded triumphantly. It looked like her colleague was finally getting a little bit of sense knocked into her. "I mean just look at you right now. I get it, you think you're just helping your son, but he just barely whined, and you were automatically coddling him."

"But...I wouldn't say barely…" Mabel almost felt like she was being accused. "I was just-"

"Now think about it, who are you really doing all that for? I know, it's tough to hear at first, but It's not about what you want. It's what about what your kids need. Otherwise….I mean, no one evers means this stuff, but selfish is selfish." She declared definitively. Her lips curled into a triumphant smile as she watched her co-worker process her wake-up call (as she saw it, at least). Finally, a much-needed step in the right direction.

"Selfish…." Mabel repeated, struggling to absorb it all. Chelsea's smartwatch chimed.

"Sorry to cut things short, but gotta run. See you on Monday!" With this quick adieu she took off.

"Uh, sure. Bye." Mabel waved weakly. The deflated woman gazed back at her kids as she mulled to herself. "Selfish…"

* * *

The word kept rattling about her mind as she continued her day in something of a fog. She got home, put her kids down for a nap, and puttered mindlessly around her little house, doing half-hearted little chores here and there. Finally she tried to settle down and distract herself with some knitting when she heard her son start to whimper over the baby monitor.

Normally she would have bounced off without a moment's hesitation. This time she sat rooted to the sofa, hopelessly torn and increasingly lost in her own thoughts as a particular word blared loud and clear in her brain.

Selfish.

Oddly enough, she wasn't agonizing over the panic attack that led to a very localized (and thankfully brief) apocalypse. She actually wished that was what weighed so heavily on her mind. Unfortunately the wounds that had been reopened were much, much newer than that fateful first summer in Gravity Falls.

_Selfish_.

The word got right under her skin and stung. She could replay the bad memories all too easily. With only the slightest effort she pictured one particularly painful night. Her former husband had been pacing the living room of the apartment they used to share together. She had been sitting on the couch, anxiously watching him.

"...All I said is that maybe this kind of thing could wait a couple more years." Mel had just told her. She remembering gazing back at him for a few moments in silent disbelief.

"But….but this isn't happening in a few years. We're having twins right now." She tried to lighten the sky-high tension in the room with a smile. "Twins, Mel! Just look at the ultrasound pictures!"

"I just…." He sighed painfully. "I'm sorry, I can't."

"It's easy!" She held up the scans she got from the doctor's office and waved them about. "They're right here. Look, you can see their little-"

"No, that's not what I mean. I'm just not sure if…." He paused. She didn't like where this was going.

"...Not sure if what?" She whimpered. When he didn't answer, she swallowed hard and tried asking him a little more firmly, "Mel? Not sure if what?"

"I'm not sure if... I can do this. All of this! Mabel, I….I didn't ask for any of this!"

"But...but I thought we talked about having a family." She recalled all the times they had daydreamed about the future together. "We talked about this!"

"Yeah, but….I meant maybe in the future…."

"Maybe?" Her world stopped for a moment. This qualifier was all news to her. "But….but-"

"Maybe later on. Not now. Not this soon. I mean…." He paused again, and her stomach knotted tightly. She saw something strange in his eyes. It looked like traces of fear, but she couldn't believe. "Look, can we just both be honest here? This whole thing was an accident-"

She gasped, and immediately threw an arm up over her stomach. "Mel!"

"We didn't plan on them, Mabel! They're accidents!"

"But-"

"C'mon, you know this." He told her flatly. "They're both accidents!"

"They're-"

"They're accidents, Mabel!" He repeated, as if that would somehow win her over to his side.

"Don't you talk about them like that!" She stood up and said defensively.

"Why shouldn't I? It's just the truth!"

"These are our babies!" She raised her voice. Suddenly she wasn't even sure who she was even talking to anyone. Mabel briefly glanced over to a photo from their wedding just a few short months ago. It felt like the man in the picture and the one who was revealing himself to her were completely different people.

"See, there you go again! Ready to just go full steam ahead on all this!" He started to rant. "And while you've been doing that, have you ever thought of this is what I wanted here?"

"What? What are you talking about? Mel, these two are coming, and-"

"And you're the only one who wants them! You're the one who wants the family so badly!" He yelled with frustration as the truth finally came out. The young man looked her dead in the eyes and snapped, "Dammit Mabel, why do you have to be so selfish?"

By the time she snapped back to the present, her rosy cheeks were already wet. A concerned Waddles IV prodded her ankle with his snout, but his puzzled grunt went ignored as she kept weeping.

Finn's whimpering meanwhile had turned into full blown crying. Mabel's arms practically ached with the urge to cradle her son. But newfound fear bound her tightly in place. It was agony. She didn't want to accidentally harm her children. She didn't to mess things things up anymore. She only wanted to do right for the family that she still had left. Her weeping intensified to sobbing, than bawling. She felt like she was being torn in a dozen different directions as she anguished over what to do.

Then she took a moment to listen to her child's wailing. She could hear it almost in stereo, faintly from across her little one-story home and also on the baby monitor. The anguished parent then finally took a moment to imagine what he was probably feeling. Upset. Confused. Maybe even abandoned. And definitely alone.

Now that suddenly sounded awfully familiar.

It felt like a switch went off inside her. Suddenly the fact that she was still just sitting there in her living room like a lump seemed like the most absurd thing in the entire world. She got up so fast that she whacked her shin hard on the coffee table. Ignoring the pain in her leg, she half-rushed, half-limped into her children's room.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" She scooped up her son. A few moments of frantic cooing, bouncing and head-stroking followed. "Shhhh, it's okay. I'm here. Mommy's here now, Finn. Mommy's right here. Shhhhhh, it's okay."

The onslaught of affection quickly reduced the baby's shrill cries back to whimpers. She took a moment to cheek on Gladys, and lucky for sge he was sleeping like an adorable little log. With a gasp she dropped down into the cushioned rocking chair in the corner of the nursery Relief surged through her as she relished the embrace.

"There we go. Feeling better?" She softly asked her son. "I know Mommy definitely is."

Finn looked up and grizzled. Mabel giggle, lifted him closer and lovingly tapped her nose against his. "Boop."

Lots of gentle shushing and lullabies followed. Even after he had fallen back asleep, Mabel still rocked and cradled him in her arms, simply because she could. After she put him down and checked on Gladys one last time, she limped quietly their room. Waddles was sitting on his chubby rump as he waited for her out in the hallway.

"I think some company would be pretty good right now. Don't you?" She gave him a pat. Her pet oinked in what sounded like agreement. The young woman laughed as she fetched her phone. "Boy, are they going to get a kick when I tell them what a nut I've been today."

Her twin brother and sister-in-law actually got a whole lot more than just a kick. One speedier-than-usual drive later both Dipper and Wendy were at her little house and listening to her her story. By the time she was wrapping it up, her eyes had started to mist up. However, she had to admit that she also felt at least twenty pounds lighter.

"...And yeah, so I just kind of had a big freak out over a whole bunch of _thbbbt_!" She blew her tongue as she finished.

"Dude," Wendy was aghast. "So she was actually serious?"

"Uh-huh." Mabel nodded. "I mean, she just sounded so sure, so I kind of-"

"Oh, screw her!" She bristled angrily.

"I don't think she meant anything too-"

"I don't care, she shouldn't have gotten in your face like that. Who does she think she is anyway?" Wendy demanded. "Does she even have kids?"

"Kinda. I mean, she has her students, but-"

"What?" Her sister-in-law rumbled with an angry growl. "Wait, and she seriously thought that she can tell you what to do? Oh, screw her!"

Wendy's angry curses were honestly like music to her ears, and Mabel couldn't help but giggle weakly.

"You really let her get to you that badly?" Asked a worry-stricken Dipper.

"Not really at first. But then she started going on about her thingy with 'You're being selfish about this' and 'You're gonna mess them all up with that,' meow meow meow meow, and….I guess…" She smiled sheepishly. "I just got a little dumb and all worked up. You know, didn't want to make the same mistakes or anything."

"Mabel," Dipper placed a hand on her shoulder before he told her gently but firmly, "Listen to me. You're not selfish. You know that, right?"

She felt sure of that more than anything at the moment. But matter-of-fact assurances from her brother always helped.

"I know. Mel was the one who was the selfish butt about everything. I just got a little silly today."

"Good to hear." Dipper relaxed, but only a little. To no one's surprised he continued to fuss, over " So are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah I think so." She wiped her eyes, but then gave it a second thought. "But…. a trip to Hugtown probably wouldn't hurt."

Dipper of course had no problem indulging her. As he wrapped her in a sincere comforting sibling hug, he made sure to drop an important reminder. "Don't change anything, Mabel."

"I won't." She gratefully squeezed his skinny body tight.

"We all need you just the way you are." He added.

"I know you do." She replied with a bit of a playful smirk. Her brother smiled and pat her back. Wendy joined the huddle, only to erupt with a growl.

"...You okay?" Dipper checked.

"Okay, as much as I want to tell you to forget that lady," The redhead confessed to her tittering sister in law with a huff. "Seriously, just screw her so, so hard…."

* * *

"...Where's Mommy? Wheeeerrrrre's Mommy? Uh oh, where'd she go? She was just right here, wasn't she? Where'd she go? Did she go to the moon? Did she go to Albuquerque? Where'd she goooo?"

Finn gazed up confusedly while Mabel giggled behind her hands. She then spread them wide and revealed a fat smile. "Peek-a-boo! Here I am!"

Her return triggered a happy squeak from her son. Mother and children continued to pose an absolutely adorable spectacle for all in the park who cared to look their way.

"Mabel?" A young woman ground her jog to a halt in front of them.

"Hey Chelsea! Oooh, so your runs are a Saturday and a Sunday thing, huh?" Mabel asked. "I thought so!"

"Uh, yeah." This was a little odd. Still, since their paths had coincidentally crossed again (as far as she could tell at least) she decided to do a little check up. "So, have you thought about what I said at all yesterday?"

"Yeah!" Mabel gave her a nod.

"Oh, good." She smiled. "So are you going to-"

"Nope!" The brunette gleefully refused. "No thanks!"

"What? But-"

"No thanks! We're good here!" Mabel declared without an ounce of hesitation.

Chelsea frowned. She could have sworn that she had really knocked some good sense into her. For a moment she thought about making another go at it. But then she noticed the couple sitting with Mabel on the park bench. Both wore looks that strongly implied that she was better off not saying anything. Or at least what she read on the expression of the young man (who definitely had to be related to Mabel, from the looks of it). The freckled redhead meanwhile wore an icy stare that said in no unclear terms, _you try and play expert here again and you're gonna regret it. _

She huffed and slipped her earbuds back in. Some people honestly just didn't know when to take perfectly good advice when they heard it.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She said curtly and continued on her way.

"Okay, see you back at school! Byyyyeee" Mabel bade sweetly in a tone that dripped with such contentment she could practically feel her fellow teacher wince from afar.

"Eeesh." Dipper grimaced at the uptight woman as he watched her jog away. "Please don't tell me she teaches any of the kindergarten classes."

"Nope, fifth grade! But she can still be a teensy tiny bit strict. At least that's what her kids tell me." Mabel confessed with a giggle. She then tickled her son's belly and cooed to him. "Don't worry, most of the people at Mommy's work are reeeaaaal nice. We don't have a lot of weird over-opinionated butts like her."

"So you still feel like she has a point?" Her brother checked, in spite of the already obvious answer.

"Nope! I'm doing my thing, and it's fine!" Mabel squawked comically at her children and brought fresh smiles to their faces."Feeling soooo right!"

"Good." Dipper grinned.

Wendy however didn't feel like they had reached a happy ending yet. She agitatedly bounced her knee as she watched the other woman jog off until she finally got up. No one messed with her clan and got away it easily. When it was her "little-sister" that was involved, that went double. And quadruple for her little niece and nephew. At least.

"I'll be back."

"Huh? Wait, Wendy, don't-" Dipper watched her shoot off like an arrow. "Aaaand she's gone already."

"You gonna go try and stop her?" Mabel laughed.

Dipper stood up, thought about it for just a second and very wisely then sat right back down. "Nope. I'm smarter than that."

"Ohhh, someone's finally learning!" She joked and gave him an affectionate push.

"Yeah, little by little." He admitted.

Wendy soon returned with her quarry. Chelsea walked briskly but stiffly, all while passing constant anxious glances at the redhead herding her from behind. Wendy gestured wordlessly.

"I-I'm uh….I'm sorry." She sputtered softly.

"Huh?" Mabel pretended to be confused. "Sorry about what?"

"About yesterday. It wasn't really my place to say anything." She explained.

"Oh! Oh, okay." The young mother shrugged and smiled. "Thanks! No problem!"

The other woman looked hopefully to the glaring redhead. Wendy wordlessly motioned for her to get out of their sight.

"Seeyoutomorrow!" From the way she pumped her legs she was quite glad to leave in one piece.

"Okay, bye!" Mabel waved her off. When she vanished from view she chirped at her lanky sister-in-law, "Thanks, Wen-Wen!"

"Trust me, the pleasure was all mine." Wendy chuckled as hugged her around the shoulders "Just let me know if she tries pulling that off again."

"Will do!"

"You better." The redhead sounded almost eager for a second encounter, much to Mabel's guilty delight.

Dipper rolled his eyes while he failed miserably to suppress a chuckle. "Okay, I'll bite. What did you tell her?"

Wendy gathered up her niece in her arms before she flashed her family a mischievous grin. "Literally nothing that I can repeat around these little guys…"


	65. Odds and Ends - 5

"**Outside Help"**

The heavy rain beat hard against the windows of Greasy's Diner. In the booth tucked far in the back corner, a pudgy middle aged-gentleman drummed his fingers upon the worn table. His grey-blue eyes constantly darted about back and forth as he spoke.

"...Now Mr. Pines, I must warn you that people usually don't take what I have to say...very lightly." He warily understated. "For many, it's understandably a little too much for them to try to believe. And those that do believe….most still tend to have trouble managing it."

"Try me." The young man sitting across from him calmly replied.

He smiled. Finally, someone who was brave enough to take him and him and his discovered truths seriously. "Well to start, I guess you could call me something of an expert in….well first, tell me this. Have you ever heard of EVP?"

"Electronic voice phenomenon?" As one deeply familiar with the paranormal, Dipper Pines quickly and easily recalled the term.

"Yes. The ways by which dead speak to us though modern day devices. Our deceased loved ones, trying to reach out using the mere static of a radio or television." He summarized. He then leaned over and lowered his voice down to an eager whisper. "And it's how I've been talking to your sister for the past few days."

"...My….my sister?" Dipper finally repeated after a long pause. The young man looked quite taken aback.

"Yes!" He said excitedly. "Recently I've been hearing her specifically from beyond! She actually was the one who told me that we were going to meet soon. At first it was was hard to understand what she was trying to say. EVP communication is usually difficult to translate. But then I saw your listing online, and that's when I knew that I had found the one who'd be able to help me with…"

At this point he was so incredibly wound up from excitement that he would have kept on babbling if Dipper hadn't up a finger and gestured for him to pause. Once he had his silence, he asked, "So let me get this straight….you're telling me that my dead sister has been in contact with you."

"Yes!" He affirmed. Dipper stared incredulously for a moment before he nodded to the young woman sitting right next to him there in the booth.

"Okay, so if my sister's supposed to be dead and talking to you lately…. just who do you think this is?"

"Uh….." He glanced back and forth between the identical-looking young man and woman. After giving it some thought, the befuddled so-call expert finally guessed, "Your….wife?"

"_What_?" Dipper deadpanned.

Mabel shuddered violently. "Ewwwww."

"Oh! Oh no, no, I meant...your...cousin? No, sister! Definitely a sister! Twins, right? Uh, of course!" He sputtered. "Yeah, your older sister told me all about her….um, I mean…..your younger sister?"

The siblings were both giving him wordless stares. With his credibility now completely in the toilet, he meekly left a business card on the table and hurried out of the diner.

"Okay then." Dipper sighed as he watched the phony flee into the parking lot. "I think it's pretty official. Crowdsourcing is a bad idea."

"Well, not necessarily." Mabel as usual remained more optimistic. "That was only the first person we met so far."

"Yeah, and if you ask me he was a pretty bad sign." Her brother dug out his phone. "I'm taking down that post now."

"Well maybe the next person knows something genuinely freaky we should know about." She countered hopefully. "Just wait a little, bro-bro. She's supposed to meet us-oh look!"

On cue a woman had bustled into the diner. She looked around until she spotted the siblings. Mabel gave her a friendly wave and she beelined over.

"Are you the Pines?" She asked breathlessly.

"Yes indeedy!" The brunette greeted her with a fat smile. "What can we do for you-"

"We'll talk about that later! First, I need to tell you what I can do for you!" she announced.

"Okay?" Mabel was confused. "What do you-"

"The spirits! The spirits have revealed to be what really happened to your children!" She grabbed Mabel shoulders and blurted out. "Finally, your quest to find out what happened is almost at an end!"

"Uh….." Mabel suddenly was feeling a lot less enthusiastic about this whole endeavor. A fresh silence settled on them, broken only be the squeaks and babbling of the one-year-old twins innocently playing under the booth. The young mother quickly gathered up her tykes into her arms and squeezed them protectively tight. The other woman of course was taken aback by the sight of the two tots.

"Oh, I mean…..uh…..Th-the spirits must have meant...uh...they probably meant someone else's children….or…..maybe they….." The discredited medium mumbled before rapidly trailing off. She then very wisely decided to take leave, leaving behind two very unsettled siblings.

"Delete the thingy before any more crazies come. Now. Please." Mabel bluntly demanded as she hugged her chirping babies closer. Her brother pat her shoulder before he slipped his phone back into his pocket.

"Ten seconds ahead of you."

* * *

**"I'll Get Around to It"**

The mild summer afternoon found a roly-poly man and his lanky friend lounging in the grass just outside the Shack. Soos hummed an aimless tune to himself as he drummed upon this thick thighs. Wendy meanwhile lay fully stretched out, with her hands tucked behind her head and a few lengths of red hair strategically shading her eyes.

"Still waiting?" Melody's flip-flops slapped rhythmically against her feet as she ambled out of the Shack to join them.

"Hey Corn Chip!" Soos affectionately greeted his wife. "Yup, still waiting."

She checked the time on her phone and frowned worriedly. "Oh man. It's almost been a half-hour."

"It's fine." Wendy was her usual calm self. "We've had people down there for way longer."

"I know. I just really don't like it when it's the ki-" Her mild fretting was interrupted by a faint cry that suddenly rang out from the absolutely enormous hole scarring the earth only a few feet away.

"All right! Here they come!" Soos shot to his feet with a whoop. Together the three all stationed themselves around the edge of the gaping pit that seemed to reach down into the deepest bowels of the earth.

"You go for the big twins, I get the little twins?" Wendy calmly braced herself. Four faint outlines gradually came into view from down below.

"You got it." Soos fist-bumped her just as another yell reached their ears.

"Incoming! INCOMING!" Dipper's warnings were getting clearer by the second.

"Yaaaay!" Suddenly a little girl popped out of the pit and high the air with a shrill squeak of exhilaration. Ready and waiting, Wendy caught her niece with ease. Following closely was a short brown-speckled pig, who was also caught by the redhead. Unfortunately just as Wendy's arms were filled up her whooping nephew fired out of the pit.

"I got him!" Melody had to dive onto her back to catch the little boy in time. It wasn't the most graceful catch, but it was a successful one at least.

"Hey Aunt Melly!" The unharmed Finn Pines greeted her with a fat grin.

Soos meanwhile deep breath readied himself for the bigger catches.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" A grown woman rocketed out of the pitch-black depths and into the summer sun, yelling as if she were on an amusement park ride. After flying up a few yards into the air, she fell right into Soos's pillowy hold.

Last but not least, Dipper came bringing up the rear. Unfortunately there was no one left to help ease his return, and he belly-flopped into the grass. Wendy tried her best to suppress her laughter as she set Waddles IV and Gladys down and helped him back on his feet.

"So how was it?" She asked while wiping some dirt from his face. With the exception of his rough landing, Dipper was pretty unfazed despite having just emerged from a place where time and space had no meaning.

"It was all right. We told some stories to the kids, passed the time as the usual." Ever the scientific-minded one, he curiously checked his watch and remarked. "It felt like an hour down there. How long was it up here?"

"Like, about half of that."

"Weird. It's never the same with this thing." He mumbled before he fussily checked on the others. "You guys all okay?"

"Doing awesome! Thanks for going in after us, Dip-Dop!" Mabel nimbly extracted herself from Soos's arms and gratefully pat his big soft belly. "And thanks for the catch!"

"No probs, Hambone." He flashed a thumbs up. "How about you guys? Doin' all right, little dudes?"

Just like their uncle and mother, the two-year-old twins seemed none the worse from the accidental trip. Both were now wide-eyed and completely wound up with excitement from the spectacular tumble through black nothingness.

"Yeah!" Finn punched the air with his little fists and cheered.

"Can we go down again?" Gladys asked as she toddled back to the edge of the hole. Her mother calmly herded her back to her side.

"Nope, you know you sillies aren't supposed to go down there in the first place." She reminded. "I think you should just go right back to playing-"

On cue, a yellow foam soccer ball popped out of the pit, bouncing off Dipper's head before hitting the ground. Mabel laughed as she retrieved it.

"There we are! Okay hun-buns, go get it!" She rolled it away, and her children and pet eagerly took up pursuit. "And make sure to stare near the porch-"

A wayward kick from her son sent the ball rolling right back their way. The over-excited little trio had already built up such momentum already that would have probably followed the ball right back into the Bottomless Pit for the second time that day if it wasn't for their lumberjill aunt's reflexes. Wendy threw her body on the ground and grunted as they crashed right into her at almost top speed. As soon as the tiny twins and pig were halted they were all safely snatched up.

With Gladys now tucked securely in her soft arms, Melody sighed at her husband. "Soos…"

"Awwww, Corn Chip. " Soos guiltily scuffed the dirt. "C'mon, don't give me that look. I know."

She gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder. "I know you know…..but….that's what I really don't get. I mean, ever since the kids could walk we've…..you know, I don't even know how many times we've had to-"

As Dipper gently helped her back up (as best as he could with a very squirmy Waddles IV tucked under one arm) Wendy decided to be more blunt about the matter. "Dude, you have got to make this a priority."

"I know, I know." He glanced back at the nearby pit. "Man, I have no idea how I keep putting it off….I like, really need to get serious about getting a fence up around this thing…."

* * *

"**Her"**

Today's ultrasound was not the celebratory affair Dipper had envisioned at all. After they had received the long-awaited confirmation from the doctor, Wendy seemed to have gone into a kind of shock. She fell unnervingly silent, and remained so while she was cleaned up. As soon as they were all set she left the building in a speedy hurry, which of course didn't help his fast-growing anxiety one single bit.

"Wendy?"Wendy!" He struggled to keep up. He didn't know what on earth was going on, but whatever it was, it was making his stomach knot tight. "Wendy, are you okay?"

"Hold on." She stopped right in the middle of the parking lot, wrestled out her phone out and dialed in a video-chat.

"Wendy, what's-"

"Just a minute." His wife distractedly told him. A few rings later a burly face marked a scraggly red beard appeared on her screen.

"Yeah?" the Corduroy boy asked.

"Hey Pete," Wendy greeted breathlessly. "We just got out of the appointment."

"Wait, really? Hold on!" There was a burst of activity on the Gravity Falls side of the call. It wasn't long until all three of her lumberjack brothers were grouped together in front of the phone camera and eagerly waiting the news.

"So? What is it?

"C'mon, Wendy!"

"It's…" She took a long, deep breath and told them bluntly, "It's going to be a boy."

"Wait, what? Wendy, that's-" Dipper's confusion was immediately drowned out by the triumphant whoops pouring out of the phone.

"Yes! Yes!"

"One more man for the Corduroy club!"

"See? We told you so!"

As Wendy watched them celebrate, Dipper quickly noticed that the corners of her lips had started to curl. It took a couple seconds longer until of her brothers to realize that things definitely weren't as they seemed.

"Wendy? You okay?"

That's when she finally stopped bottling up all the joy that she had been holding in for the past few minutes. She unleashed all of it at once right in their startled faces, first with a cackle then a triumphant yell. "PSYCHE!"

"Huh?"

"What are you-"

"GIRL! IT'S A GIRL!" Wendy announced so loudly that she could be heard all through the parking lot. All of their brothers' faces fell in near perfect unison.

"Wait, seriously?" The youngest asked.

"Yes! It's a girl! In your face! It's a girl!" The words brought her an enormous burst of pleasure every single time she repeated them. "It's a girl, it's a girl, it's a girl, it's a girl!"

"But Wendy-"

"Girl! She's gonna be a girl!" Wendy mercilessly boasted. "In your face! IN your FACE!"

"Awww." One groaned.

"Are you sure?" Another checked. "Maybe-"

"Oh they definitely made sure. This is totally a little lady here, one hundred percent." She pointed to her growing bump and gave it a happy pat. All three of her younger siblings sulked together. She however was more than willing to flash them a record-breaking smirk and repeat once more, nice and slowly, "It's a girl. It's totally a girl."

"But I thought that-" The middle one tried to protest.

"Nope!" She gleefully interrupted. "Cycle's totally been broken! We're finally getting some balance back in his family."

"You sure?" The eldest of the three asked one more time."

"You guys are getting a niece, end of story." Wendy announced. "Deal with it."

"Okay." The youngest of them reluctantly accepted on their collective behalf. "Uh…congrats, Wen."

"So….do you want us to call Dad, or-"

"Nope, I got it. I'll call you guys again later, okay?"

"Okay." They chorused with a group sigh.

"But when you do," One spoke up. "Don't rub it into-"

Wendy hung up, covered her mouth, and erupted with an actual giggle fit. Dipper had seen quite an impressive array of abominations, anomalies, and impossibilities over the course of his life, yet the spectacle standing right in front of him was somehow one of the most unbelievable things he had ever seen.. His lumberjill of a wife was acting like a giddy child.

"Sorry if I weirded you out," She tried to breathlessly explain to him. "They've kept telling me for months that she was definitely going to be a…..and so I wanted it to be good when I told them that she's actually a…."

A shiver of delight ran through her body. Wendy was so ridiculously overjoyed that she almost didn't know what to do with herself. First she gave her swollen stomach a hug, and Dipper was pretty sure that she probably would have also kissed their confirmed daughter-to-be if had she physically been able to.

"A girl! A girl!" She then tossed her wiry arms around his neck and began jabbering like a happy maniac. "Oh my God, dude. A girl! We're seriously having a girl."

"I know, I know." Every single muscle in his anxiety-wracked body relaxed at once with a rush of relief and joy that was beyond words. The news itself was wonderful, but Wendy's glee made it all the better. Soon he was laughing uncontrollably, as was she as they hugged one another tightly. When they came down a little bit from their happiness-high, he finally asked her, "Wendy?"

"Yeah?"

"Didn't you say you didn't care what she was going to be?" He reminded her with a chuckle. Wendy couldn't stop smiling as she started to adoringly stroke her baby bump.

"Okay, so..." She finally felt safe enough to come clean. "Maaaaaybe I was just trying not to jinx my chances….."


	66. Out At Sea

Here's just some family silliness that's been sitting half-edited in my computer for some time. Enjoy, and the next chapter for Project Lumberdork should be up in a few days. - **_SGA_**

* * *

"...Okay, out we go." Dipper unbuckled his daughter and removed her from her car seat. "Ready to see your aunt and cousins?"

Phoebe of course immediately recognized the little one-story home standing in front of them. The freckle-faced tot burst out squeaking with excitement, "Maymay! Maymay!"

"Uh-huh, that's right." Before Dipper could even begin the short walk to the front door he heard his sister yell out from behind her house.

"Aunt Maymay hears her little Fee-Feeeeee!" She sang. "Hey guys!"

"Hey!" He shouted back. "You in the backyard?"

"Uh-huh, the whole gang's here! Come on around!"

The young man found Mabel and her tykes all sitting together in a cardboard refrigerator box situated in the middle of the little yard. The name "S.S. Awesome" had been markered on the side in his sister's distinct swirly handwriting, and a homemade flag (appropriately emblazoned with a shooting star) fluttered in the breeze.

"Where you guys off to?" He opened the little fence and barely took three steps before his niece and nephew both descended into fits of dramatic play-panic.

"Unca Dippeh, watch out!" Gladys yelled.

"Shark! Shark!" Finn hollered. "Shaarrrrrrrk!"

Dipper turned and spotted Waddles IV nearby. The little pig was wearing a cardboard dorsal fin on his back that wobbled about while he rooted. The children meanwhile continued to take their pretending very seriously, as usual.

"Look out!"

"It's gettin' closeh!"

Dipper chuckled as he joined right on in the dramatic silliness. Without further ado he sat down on the grass, popped Phoebe down beside him and started to wave his scrawny noodle arms. "Ohhhhh no, a shark! Save us, guys! Save us!"

"You heard him!" Mabel nodded to her tots. "Man and baby overboard!"

"Catch!" Gladys picked up a ball of yarn between her little hands and threw it hard as she could. It rolled across the small yard and rested to a stop near Dipper.

"Okay, got it!" He picked it up and tucked his daughter under his arm.

The twins tugged hard and fast as they could together. Dipper stood back up and slowly walked towards them. Waddles meanwhile finally noticed the new arrivals. The pig trundled over for a friendly greeting.

"Oh no!" Finn cried out.

"Shark's gettin' closer, Mommy!" Gladys yelped to her mother.

"Hang on, Dipper! We gotcha!" Mabel helped her twins as they all valiantly reeled in their fellow Pines.

"Uh oh!" For fun's sake, he playfully let go of the colorful lifeline, sat back down and placed his daughter beside him again. I lost my grip!"

"Nooo! Swim! Swim foh the wope, Uncah Dippeh!" His niece yelled.

"I'm trying…..I'm trying!" He made a mock-desperate grab. "Just….out...of...reach!"

Waddles plodded up and snuffled in the young man's face. The little twins chorused in despair.

"It's got him!" Finn yelled. His sister threw her little doll hands over her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the carnage.

"Mommy, I can't watch!"

"He's not done for yet!" Mabel took drastic action. She dove out of the boat, and took care to make a realistic splashing sound as she hit the ground. The undisputed master of imagination-time swung her arms in wide arcs over her head while she crawled towards him.

"Help! Help!" Dipper kept trying to play along, but it was hard going. The sight of his twin "swimming" cracked him right up. "The shark's going to-"

Once she was close enough, Mabel grabbed his wrist and yanked him towards her with a desperate force he wasn't expecting at all.

"OW! Hey!"

"Hold on tight, Fee-Fee! I'm coming back for you!" Mabel yelled dramatically before tossing a small floatie to Phoebe. The baby chirped and grabbed onto it while her aunt dragged her father away.

"Hey! Hey!" Dipper squirmed like mad in her tight grasp. "Mabel, what are you doing?"

"It's okay, I got you!" She pulled him on top of her and hooked her arms under his. Once he was secured inside a proper rescue hold she started scooting slowly back towards the boat using only her legs and feet.

"_Ackpth_! Mabel! Mabel, wait!" He gasped. "Stop! Ow! Stop!"

"It's okay, I got you!" She gave the imaginary drama the besting acting that she possibly could. "Don't worry, it's going to be okay!"

"Faster, Mommy!" Her son cried. "Swim faster!"

"The shawk's gonna eat you all up!" Gladys yelled.

"Mabel, let go!" Dipper struggled to make himself heard above their cries. To put it mildly, he wasn't liking any of this one little bit. "Let GO!"

"We're gonna make it!" She gasped hopefully. "Just….a….little….bit….further!"

Dipper managed to free himself with a frantic burst of effort. But in his desperation to get away, he ended up trying to genuinely "swim" to safety. The young man cut an odd sight as he paddled his arms and kicked his legs furiously on top of the grassy little lawn. By the time he noticed that he wasn't getting anywhere it was already too late.

"Don't panic, you're gonna be just fine!" Mabel Pines didn't merely pretend when she was playing with her kids; she fully committed to her roles with a passion that equaled professional actress. She frog-stroked across the grass and snared him in her arms yet again.

"Mabel, stop! STOP!" Dipper struggled with all his might. Unfortunately besides the ability to fully immerse herself in playtime his sister also possessed freakish strength, and his scrawny muscles definitely weren't doing him any favors whatsoever. Still he thrashed and squirmed in a mighty effort to get free, but all he ended up doing was awkwardly repositioning himself in her hold so his face dragged in the grass the rest of the way.

"Here! I got him!" Mabel reached the boat and bodily hauled him aboard. After unceremoniously landing flat on his stomach, Dipper raised his head and coughed up a mouthful of grass.

"Oh no! He swallowed some wateh, Mommy!" Gladys pointed and cried.

"Well don't just stand there! C'mon, your captain didn't give you that First Aid lesson for nothing!" Mabel ordered. Her crew saluted her before they both sprang into action. Together they rolled over their uncle over (with a little help from their mother). Once Dipper was on his back, the two put their little hands on top of his chest and stomach and pressed down hard as they could.

"Whoa, wait I'm-OW! Ow! Ow!" Dipper grunted. "Hold on! Ow! Guys, don't ow!"

"Weah saving you, Uncah Dipper!" Gladys said matter-of-factly. While her brother continued the chest compressions by himself she meanwhile got down on her hands and knees and began blowing air right into her uncle's face.

"Okay, I-I'm good! I'm good!" he yelped. "You saved me! I'm saved! I'm saved, okay?!"

They finally heeded his desperate cries with triumphant cheers. Unfortunately now that mean celebratory hugs were in order. Both tykes wrapped their little arms around his aching body and crushed him tight.

"Uncle Dipper, did you see that?" Finn crowed proudly. "We helped save you!"

"Yeah!" His twin sister squeaked. "No dwownin' for you! We saved the day!"

"Th-thanks." Dipper winced. "Ow…"

Both the little twins flashed him cheery smiles that stretched across their faces from ear to ear. However, their joy was short-lived when they both remembered that they still had a family member overboard.

"Oh no! PHOEBE!" Squeaked Gladys. Her mother gasped and readied herself.

"That's right! Don't worry, Mommy's gonna go back for-"

"LOOK!" Finn pointed over the side of their boat and out into the surrounding "sea."

Phoebe giggled and squeaked as Waddles gently dragged her by the back of her dress across the grass. As best as the chubby little animal could recall, usually the family went everywhere together, and that included the small freckle-faced one here. The dutiful pig pulled her along until he presented her at the side of the boat with a confused oink.

Mabel temporarily broke character as she scooped the one-year-old aboard with one arm and gave her pet a scratch behind the ears. "Good boy! That's a very good boy!"

"The shark didn't eat Phoebe!" Finn marveled.

"Well, fancy that!" Mabel promptly decided it was time to change a few game details. "Looks like wasn't a shark at all then! I guess he was just a helpful dolphin all along!"

"YAY!" The little twins cheered together. Their mother meanwhile broke character so she could pinch Waddles' chubby cheek.

"Who's the cutest, fattest, pinkest little dolphin? You are! Yes you are!"

She topped her declaration with an affectionate boop on the little pig's snout. Meanwhile her sore, dirt-streaked and grass-stained brother sat up with a protesting groan, "Oh c'mon!"

"Can Waddles come aboard too, Mommy?" Gladys tugged on her mother's now-filthy sweater and politely asked.

"He sure can!" Mabel passed her niece into her brother's arms. Without delay she removed the cardboard fin, took their pet onboard and placed a small pirate hat on his head. "I now proclaim you First-Mate Waddles!"

"Oh come ON!" Dipper was far from pleased with the fact he had been dramatically "rescued" over nothing. "Just like that?"

"That's right!" Her eyes twinkled brightly. "He can be whatever we want! That's all the fun of using….our what, sweeties?"

She cupped a hand over her ears as her children chimed excitedly, "IMAGINATION!"

"Imagination!" She punched the air and repeated happily. Mabel and her tots then all turned and looked expectantly towards her brother. Phoebe and Waddles followed their examples, and they too now gazed upon the disheveled Dipper.

Even after his ordeal, of course he couldn't possibly even consider the possibility of spoiling his niece and nephew's fun. All they had to do was gaze at him with those excited brown eyes and the enormous softie raised his arm and weakly chimed in, "Uh, yeah. Imagination!"

The kids' cheered and brought a small smile to his face. Mabel whooped as she delivered a hearty smack to his back. "YEAH! That's the spirit, bro-bro!"

"No problem." As Dipper nursed the sting from the affectionate blow, he suddenly got an idea. "Thanks. So….you think maybe we can go dock at port now, or something?"

"We sure can!" Mabel agreed with a giggle, and for a moment he was genuinely convinced that he had found a loophole out of this game. Things immediately took an unexpected turn when she jumped out and ran straight for the house. Seconds later a nearby sprinkler started showing them all with a light rain. Gladys and Finn laughed as they eagerly got to work. Working together, the siblings were quickly able to haul up a small stick mast, complete with a sail made out of several of their mother's raggedy old T-shirts all sewn together. Phoebe giggled happily as the little droplets tickled her skin.

"Um...didn't you just say we were going to-" Dipper tried to ask as the captain hopped back into the boat.

"Don't worry, we'll reach the harbor soon!" Mabel winked. "But first we have to get through the stormy seas up ahead…."


	67. Couple's Contest

Well apparently it's Wendip week, so I'll be uploading about three Dipper-and-Wendy-centric pieces between now and Saturday. Chapter nine of Project Lumberdork should be posted tomorrow, in the meantime enjoy this little piece courtesy of an idea from ddp456.

Also a little bit of cleaning house to make sure I'm not missing anyone in the midst of all my focus on PM - I currently have PWBP one-shot ideas from Kraven the Hunter and Kimbee3 in the works. If you tossed an idea my way recently that I didn't get back to you on, don't hesitate to let me know!

And as usual, enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"...What is it, doctor?"

"I'm afraid it's very serious. It looks like….you need a butt transplant!"

"B-but doctor, my butt is type B! The rarest of all butt types!"

"I know, I know. Thankfully we have an experimental medical butt procedure that…."

The two were barely able to keep themselves from succumbing completely to laughter as they played one of their favorite stupid games. It was nothing more than a variation of how they used to while away hours together with the Shack security footage when they were only kids; the two would pick a TV show at random, put the volume on mute, and substitute the characters' dialogue with the stupidest, most immature lines that they could think of. As they enjoyed their silly fun, they sipped beers and enjoyed a large pizza between them.

Neither one suspected that they were demolishing their takeout dinner faster than usual when both reached into the open box and found only one slice left. Usually they'd be willing to split it or one of them would thoughtfully offer it to the other without any hesitation. But this particular pizza wasn't any pizza. This was double pepperoni with anchovies, a treat that they could only enjoy on occasion in the privacy of their own home thanks to the fact that most of their friends and family found the topping combination offensive. Both of them gripped opposing sides of the crust tightly, and neither one looked ready to let go anytime soon.

"Please?" Dipper asked with a disarming smile. Wendy refused him with a firm shake of the head.

"Nuh-uh, sorry. I had an insane day at work. You saw me. I was like, so sweaty that literally everything was sticking to me when I got home." She justified.

"C'mon, you weren't that bad." He rolled his eyes.

"Dude, I seriously out-sweated you for once. I was so drenched I almost needed pliers to peel everything off. I totally earned this." She proclaimed matter of factly to him.

"Not so fast." Her husband shot back. "At least you were outside getting exercise. I spent my entire day trying to put an ancient Navajo bowl back together, piece by piece. And not big pieces either, we're talking little shards here."

Dipper rubbed his still-aching back for effect. He had spent far too hours spent hunched over a table meticulously gluing an old artifact back together. "And that thing isn't even halfway finished yet, either. If anyone's earned it, it's me."

"Ohhhhh no." She shook her head again.

"What?"

"Dude, don't even think about it." She gave him fair warning. "You play this game and you're definitely going down."

Dipper laughed off her threat. "Do you remember who you're talking to here?"

"Someone who totally doesn't deserve the last slice, that's for sure." She replied. "Not after today."

"Well….I think I deserve it more in the long run." He craftily switched tactics.

"The long run?" She repeated with a raised eyebrow.

"You know, the grand scheme of things. Liiike….helping take down a pack of zombies before I was even a teenager." He didn't need too long to think up an example. "I think facing a small undead horde is pretty slice-worthy, don't you?"

So that's the way he was going to do this. If he was willing to jump back that far, then she was more than willing to fight him tit for tat. "Well I helped take down a gang of unicorns, and ended up getting kicking in the eye. Like, dead center with its hoof. And that was after another one nearly speared me with its stupid horn."

It was officially on now. "Well I once was trapped inside my own sister's body, and was forced to watch rom-coms and and get a complete makeover from her friends. And that was on top of playing dating board games and reading trashy fantasy novels."

"Yeah that's definitely some pretty harsh torture." She was willing to concede. "But I've been caught in actual wire traps that my dad forgot to tell us he set out."

"I almost died fighting the multi-bear." He fired back. "While half naked. And again, I wasn't even a teenager."

"When I was only nine, I had to fight off an entire pack of raccoons that tried to go after two of my little brothers. And that was because they were the ones who got them all riled up in the very first place. And when this was finally over, I had to go get a rabies shot. And those things hurt. A lot."

"Well I've had a demon steal my body. And then I had to watch him throw it down the stairs, slam my arms in a drawer, pour soda in my eyes, use it to fight my own sister…." He still had several more examples left to go before she cut him off.

"Oh yeah? I had to fight myself once, and that only ended when I watched myself take an axe right to the gut. Now that's just pure nightmare fuel right there."

"Wait, that gave your nightmares?" Worry glimmered in his eyes. She claimed him with a pat on the shoulder (while the other hand still firmly gripped the pizza slice).

"It could have." She replied mischievously. Dipper exhaled in relief, and the game was on again.

"Well Bill shot a giant hole right through my stomach." He counterattacked.

"Pffft! Yeah, but was all in Stan's mind, right?" She recalled. "Meanwhile, that triangle went and turned me into a wall-hanging. You know what it feels like to be a piece of cloth?"

"At least no one tried to mess with you while you were like that. When I was half-deer I almost got blasted with buckshot."

"Don't even start with that. I've been werewolf-ed two different times in my life so far."

"Technically only once. Nothing actually gave you a cursed bite that first time." The paranormal expert extraordinaire was quick to correct. Wendy used her free hand to throw a couch cushion at him.

"Oh, c'mon, dude. I've basically been a dog _twice_."

"And I've been forced out of my own body three different times." Dipper was quick to counter after he dodged her missile.

"Well I…."

With each passing round, they both had to think a little harder and a little more strategically. Too many of their most epic experiences had been shared side by side, which deprived them both of a lot of good potential ammunition. It wasn't long until they hit a long pause as the two of them furiously searched their memories.

Dipper perked up as something finally sprang to mind. "I had-"

A gigantic grin swept across Wendy's face as it finally hit her. Without delay she leaned in and eagerly interrupted him. "I've had to push out an entire little person from my body while wearing a borrowed nightgown inside a tourist trap in the middle of the woods."

"Whoa, whoa, wait." Dipper was absolutely blindsided. "Hold on-"

However, she wasn't done with him yet. Wendy's smirk grew as she went in for the kill. "That was without any pain meds or anything. And what was all with my legs open so a friend could basically reach inside me. So I got to feel _everything _and anyone who wanted a look could see _everything_."

It was the equivalent of a verbal atomic bomb. Even before she was finished he already knew he had been beaten. Dipper speedily let go of the coveted pizza slice like it was a hot potato. "Okay, okay! You win! You win!"

"Yeah I do." She was gracious enough in victory to give him a quick kiss on his cheek before she happily wolfed down the delicious half-warm slice with just a couple bites. The triumphant woman had just finished licking the last of the grease off of her fingers when a whimper came up over the baby monitor.

"Uh oh." Dipper dutifully began to get off the couch, but Wendy beat him to the punch.

"Nah it's okay, I got it." She replied before vanished into the nursery.

"You sure?" He checked.

"Yeah I'm sure." She returned in the doorway with Phoebe cradled in her arms. Wendy looked down at the cranky baby, then burst out snorting with laughter before she gave her daughter an affectionate nuzzle. "It's probably the least I can do for my little trump card here…."


	68. Odds and Ends - 6

Next chapter of PL is coming either tomorrow or Wednesday! In the meantime, enjoy some drabbles! - _**SGA**_

* * *

"**The Present"**

"...Happy birthday to yooooooou!" The assorted friends and family finished singing just as the elderly twins blew the candle out on their cake. Everyone at the little outdoor party showered the siblings with a mix of applause and cheers.

"You did it! You guys did it! Another year, together!" Soos's eyes grew wet as he became swept up with emotion from occasion, just like he did every year. And just like every year, Melody was ready and waiting with a tissue on hand to dab for her big teddy bear of a husband.

"Alright, cake tiiiiiime!" Mabel sang. "Who wants a corner piece?"

"Wait, Mabel!" Dipper tugged her sweater sleeve, and she quickly remembered.

"Ooops, almost forgot! Sorry, it's not cake time just yet! Be back in just a jiffy!" She and her twin left the gathering and raced inside the Mystery Shack. The birthday boys shared a look with one another.

"What do you think they've got planned?" Ford chuckled.

"Well it's gonna be somethin', I know that much." Stan replied.

Dipper soon reappeared and put a board down on the porch steps. Working together, he and his sister rolled an impressively large and strangely-shaped gift on top a furniture dolly down the improvised ramp.

"What the? Where the heck were you hiding that?" Stan asked.

"Sibling secret!" Mabel fist-bumped her own brother. Dipper wiped his sweat-beaded brow and flash a hopeful smile.

"Hope you guys like it."

"Dude, what'd you get 'em?" Wendy pried.

"Just watch." Her husband replied enigmatically.

Together the elderly twins tore off the wrapping paper, and both were given a small start when they got their first look at the familiar face waiting for them underneath. With his trademark top hat, three-sided body and single eye, there was absolutely no mistaking their former foe, long since reduced to nothing more than a moss-covered hunk of rock after his epic defeat years ago. But the brothers' (along with almost everyone else) were surprised to see him out of his spot deep in the woods and right there at the party.

"What in the world?" Ford adjusted his glasses just to make sure his vision wasn't deceiving him.

"SURPRISE!" Mabel tossed tow handfuls of glittery confetti into the air with a cheer. "We upgraded Bill!"

"Check it out." Dipper grinned as he tapped the clear glass tabletop now resting on top of the demon, supported by his hat, pointing arm and a few pieces of expertly wielded metal.

"They had a little help!" Fiddleford McGucket proudly snapped his suspender straps. "They did all the digging and movin', and I fixed him up good! But it was these two what done came up with the idea in the ferst place"

"Sooooo, what do you think?" Mabel bounced on her feet as she eagerly waited for their response. The old twins spent a moment gawking at their brand new table. Slowly they turned their heads, glanced at one another and burst out roaring with laughter.

"Thank you." Ford beamed as he got up to hug them both. "It's _perfect_."

"We knew it would be!" His great niece boasted.

After doling out his own hug for Mabel and a slap on the back for Dipper, Stan gazed straight into the stone eye of their long-vanquished enemy and joyously mocked him. "Ha! Take that you lousy triangle! You have to hold our food now!"

"Speaking up, we might as well put him to work now." Ford rubbed his six-fingered hands together with delight. "Set the cake on him."

"I'll get it." A chuckling Melody volunteered.

"Oh, no need fer that! He'll jes' come over to the cake!" Fiddleford took a small remote from his overalls and enthusiastically pressed a button.

Suddenly Bill rose up off the dolly on what appeared to be his very own and began to move. The party instantly descended into utter chaos as everyone panicked. Dipper and Mabel plowed smack into one another after they both instinctively tried rushing for her two-year-old baby twins at the same time. Wendy's hatchet spun through the bounced off the petrified demon with a clang. Her blade didn't even hit the ground before the dutiful aunt had already snatched up Finn and Gladys and was protectively spiriting them away as fast as she could.

"Soos! SOOS!" Melody yelped as her spouse heroically hurled himself over her. "What are-"

"I've got you, Corn Chip! And you too!" He reached for a startled Pacifica. "He's gotta got through Soos before he hurts anyone!"

"No, I'm good I'm good-" The blonde's desperate protests went ignored. She soon found herself sandwiched on the ground against Melody while the both of them were shielded by his bulk.

"Bring it, wicked triangle fiend!" Candy didn't even think twice about breaking her glass on the picnic table. She wielded her handmade weapon with a growl.

"No! Not again!" Ford fumbled his laser pistol from its holster. Stan cracked his knuckles and readied himself with a scowl.

"Come at us you-"

"WAIT!" Fiddleford jumped in front of his creation. After clicking his remote the table's mechanical legs powered off and it lowered itself back down to the ground.

"Oh, c'mon!" Wendy yelled distantly from the tree she had carried her niece and nephew up into.

Dipper and Mabel helped each other off the ground. As the two rubbed aching heads and leaned close for support, the young men sighed exasperatedly at the eccentric inventor. "You promised us no robotics."

"Awww….I know, I did." Fiddleford admitted with a guilty frown. "But temptation got me good again…."

* * *

"**Pronunciation Problems"**

Wendy couldn't stop laughing as she watched her niece and nephew enthusiastically "play" with their little cousin. Even though Phoebe still had some time until she was ready to come into the world, that didn't stop the adoringly impatient little twins from making do as best that they could.

"Okay, heah it comes!" Gladys made sure to give plenty of warning before she threw the small inflatable ball. It floated up through the air, landed against Wendy's swollen stomach and bounced back towards the tykes.

"You did it!" Finn caught it with loud whoop.

"She sure did. Good job, cutie." The young woman snickered and gave her eight-month-old bump a pat. Not too far away, her co-babysitter finished cleaning up from dinner.

"Okay dessert!" Dipper called from the kitchen. In a heartbeat the pair of three-year-olds were bouncing around him feet like a pair of excited puppies. "Okay, okay, just hold on! Let's see now...Wendy? Where did Mabel say she put-"

"Top of the fridge." Wendy waddled past him and retrieved the bedazzled tin. "So what'd your mom bake you guys this week?"

"Snickerdoodles!" Finn answered. Their aunt opened the container up and gave the twins a homemade cookie each.

"It's one of ouah fav'ites!" Gladys squeaked, even though she said the same thing about every kind of cookie that their mother made. "They got lots an' lots of cimmonim and sugah in 'em!"

The outrageously adorable answer immediately got a hearty chortle out of Wendy. "Wait, they're made with what and sugar?"

"Cimonnum!" Gladys repeated, and both their uncle and aunt cracked up.

"Cinnamon." Dipper ruffled the tyke's hair as he gently corrected her. "The cookies have sugar and cinnamon in them."

"Yeah! Cimonnum!" She chirped enthusiastically. "Sugar an' cimonnum cookies!"

"Close." He laughed. "Cinnamon."

"Uh-huh!" Finn heartily agreed. "Cimmonim!"

"Cinnamon." Dipper chuckled and repeated again.

"Cinnnumum?" Gladys shared a puzzled look with her brother. Obviously neither one of them understood what the problem was.

"No, no, it's...all right, how about we try this one piece at a time? You first, Gladys." The young man knelt down in front of his niece. "Now repeat after me. Cin."

"Cin." She said and then took a nibble of her cookie.

"Na."

"Na."

"Mon."

"Mon." She correctly echoed each and every part. Dipper nodded approvingly.

"Okay, good! Now what's that say all together?"

"Cimonnum!" The little girl proudly answered back. Wendy filled the kitchen with a loud cackle as she made no attempt to hid her joy.

"No, no, like me." Ever the stubborn one, Dipper still kept it up. "Just listen. Cinnamon. Cin-na-mon."

"Cimmonim!" Finn unsuccessfully copied his uncle.

"Not yet, buddy. See that's the same way you were saying it before. Cin-na-mon."

"Cimmonim." The little boy tried again to no avail.

"Cinnonum!" His twin chirped hopefully.

"Almost there, guys. Just say it like me. Cinnunum." It looked like he had been infected by the storm of mispronunciations. While Dipper sputtered in dismay, Wendy exploded with fresh glee, and the next few seconds passed quite confusingly for the little twins

"Okay, okay..." Their aunt stepped in. "What your Uncle Dipper is tryign to do is to get you to say it right, like this. Cimmomum. Wait!"

Dipper cracked right up, and she burst out cackling again. Their little niece and nephew continued to nibble their cookies and bemusedly watch the two oddly-behaving adults.

"What's so funny?" Finn asked.

"Sorry, sorry, it's nothing. Just try and say this for me; Cinnumum." Wendy blew a quick raspberry to try to clear up her tongue before she tried her hand at it again. "I mean you say cinnanon for me. Wait, what the…."

"Hold on, hold on. Let me do it." Dipper took back the reins of the improvised lesson. "Cinnanum. Wait, no! What's going on?"

"Beats me." Wendy admitted. The more they tried to say it, the harder it became to pronounce the word even halfway properly. "Okay, so let me try that again...cinnermon?"

"Cinnanum!" Finn squeaked.

"No, it's cinnimunin!" Dipper struggled in vain. "Wait!"

"No, it's...cinnonum...cinnaman?" Wendy fared no better with her latest attempt. Now nobody could saw the word right.

"Cimamamaum! Like that!" Their nephew insisted. Gladys meanwhile had no idea what was going on, but that didn't stop her from happily tossing up her little hands and eagerly joining in on the mispronunciation party.

"CHINNAMON!" Her joyful squeal rent the air.

"Okay, we are definitely regressing here." Dipper tried to restore a sense of order. "You pronounce it like...uh...well, not that."

"Cinnanan!" The tiny girl corrected herself.

The low-degree chaos was interrupted when they heard Waddles IV's excited oinking from the front door. Fresh off a dinner out with work friends and with her happy pet trundling along at her heels, Mabel Pines quickly tracked down everyone into the kitchen.

"Hey there! Mommy's home!" She joyously sang, then knelt down for her customary hug from her squeaking tots. As she adoringly squished them both she asked her babysitters, "How were my hun-buns tonight?"

"Good! Well...I guess it kind of got a little weird right now, but overall we were good." Dipper scratched his neck and replied.

"Weird? Oooh, how so?" She was all ears.

"We were just trying to teach them to say cinnomon right, and-" Wendy immediately started laughing again.

"Cinnomon." Dipper gave it one last go, and it went just as well as he expected. He shrugged and said resignedly, "Well, I think my mouth is broken now."

Mabel burst out giggling as she stroked her tykes' heads. "Oh, it was that? Haha! Don't worry about it. I don't think I've been able to say cimmunan right ever since these two sweeties here learned to talk..."

* * *

"**Homecoming"**

"Hold on, I got it!" As soon as Dipper parked the car out in front of their apartment, he scrambled around to help his wife out. They had finally returned after a very, very, very eventful couple days up in Gravity Falls. Originally they had planned to only stay for the weekend to see family and friends, but someone's early (and epic) arrival had delayed their trip back to northern California a little.

"Check it out, cutie. We're home." Wendy announced to the little pink lump in her arms. Phoebe snuffled in her sleep, and her already deeply-adoring mother couldn't resist the immediate impulse to plant a kiss on the newborn's forehead. She then let Dipper take a couple photos of her and their daughter, all of which he immediately texted off to several family members, Pines and Corduroys alike. The brand-new parents then walked up to the door, where they both paused. After all, it wasn't every day that they brought a new baby home for the first time.

"Well...here we go." Dipper looked to his wife and grinned nervously. She gently positioned the baby into one arm and laced her fingers into his.

"Relax. After we went through to get her out, the rest is probably gonna be a breeze." Wendy tried to break the anxious tension with a crack. He gave her a thankful squeeze before letting go.

"Yeah, you're probably-" He tried to slip the key into the lock and the door gently swung right open. "Huh? What the…."

About a dozen bright pink balloons immediately spilled out and floated down to their feet. Dipper opened the door wider, or at least tried to. Scores, if not hundreds more balloons filled the inside of the apartment as far as they could see, which was barely any distance at all. The two were surprised only only for a moment before they both quickly guessed what was going on here. Their shared assumption was confirmed only second later when a toothy-smiled young woman poked her face from out of the wall of inflated pink.

"SURP-" Mabel saw that her niece was in a deep sleep and hastily lowered her voice to a celebratory whisper. "Surprise! Welcome home!"

Wendy started snickering like mad. Her irrepressible sister-in-law giggled with delight as she fished out her arm and lovingly stroked the baby's head.

"See what Aunt Maymay did, Fee-Fee?" She gushed. "Bright and pretty and pink, all for the newest, sweetest little girl! All for you! All for yoooouuuu-oooooo, yes! Yes, we did it all for you! Yes we did! Lots of pretty decorations, and also big cake and snacks for your mommy and daddy!"

"So this is the 'doctor's appointment' you had to leave early for, huh?" Wendy asked, recalling the hasty departure Mabel had made from Gravity Falls at the crack of dawn that morning.

"Uh huh!" She said with a shameless smile. "We had an appointment all right….an appointment with Dr. Made-Up the Fakeologist!"

In retrospect, Dipper and Wendy both should have seen this coming a mile away. Luckily for Mabel the past few days had been such a whirl of excitement that they had been easy prey for a surprise homecoming party. Wendy looked at her beaming sister-in-law and cracked up hard again. Dipper meanwhile would have been actually felt extremely touched by his twin's thoughtful set-up were it not for one enormous question currently burning on his mind and getting in the way of anything else.

"Mabel? How many balloons do you have in there?" Asked the awed young man.

"Um...good question, actually!" She replied before calling out. "Finn! Fiiii-iiiin! Do you remember how many bags we got?"

There was no reply. Mabel craned her neck and gazed confusedly into the wall of pink behind her. "Finn?"

"Mommy? Mommy, where are you?" A faraway squeak answered. "Mommy?"

"What? Silly, what are you doing all the way over there? You gotta welcome Phoebe with Mommy and your sister!" Mabel tried to feel around her. "At least...I think your sister's here...Glad-Glad?"

"Mabel…..how many balloons are in there?" Dipper asked again. But his sister was too distracted trying to get a hold of her daughter's location.

"Gladys? Glaaaaadyyyyys! Gladys! Where are you?"

"Bathwoom!" The child called back from absolutely afar. "Um...I think! Maybe a diff'ent woom?"

"Mommy, it's all just pink!" Finn piped up while Waddles IV distantly oinked from wherever he was. "All pink!"

"Just the pink!" His sister chimed in from wherever on earth she was.

"Uh oh...'scuse me a sec...just gotta..." Mabel flashed a reassuring smile, took a deep breath, and vanished from sight as she went off in search of her four-year-olds. "Sweeties? Sweeties!"

"Mommy? Mommy! Can't find-"

"I know! Just follow Mommy's voice! Follow the sound of Mommy's voice!"

"Can't find you, Mommy! I only see the pink!" Glady cried.

"Piiiiiiiink!" Squealed her equally lost twin brother.

"Ohhh boy." Ever the dutiful uncle, Dipper rolled up his sleeves, motioned for Wendy to stay put and wormed his way into the apartment. "It's okay! Just stay there, guys, I'm coming for you!"

"But I don't know wheah I am, Uncah Dippeh!"

"Me too!"

"Wheah awe you?"

"It's okay! Stay put, it sounds like you're near the….the….wait, hold on." His attempt to find his niece and nephew soon foundered as he quickly lost all his bearings. "Wait….where am I? Is that the...nope, that's a definitely wall there...maybe I….nope, same wall again…"

"Uncah Dipper?" Gladys called. "You comin'?"

"Uhhhh…..okay, nevermind!" He called out from what he guessed was the kitchen, though he honestly couldn't tell. "Back to the old plan! Follow your Mom's voice!"

"I'm right herrreeeee! Come to me, sweeties!"

The search-and-rescue mission quickly spiraled out of control as everyone simultaneously searched for one another. Still standing safely out of the chaos, the snickering Wendy murmured to her slumbering baby.

"Better start getting used to all this, kiddo. This is the what passes for normal around here…."


	69. Cover-Up

Over the past few days Mr. and Mrs. Pines had received an abundance of photos and short videos of the newest addition Pines family. They had even enjoyed a couple lovely albeit brief video chats with their happy but exhausted son and daughter-in-law. But all of that was absolutely nothing compared to when when Wendy entered her living room cradling a little bundle, and the couple finally got to lay eyes on their newest grandchild in person for the very first time. Mrs. Pines automatically let out a strangled squeak of delight at the sight of Phoebe Mabel Pines.

"Whooo's ready to see Pop-Pop and Grandma?" Wendy cooed to her daughter. The newborn just snuffled dozily as she was gently passed off to her grandmother's arms.

"Well hello there, young lady." Mr. Pines lovingly greeted the little one. His wife meanwhile teared up uncontrollably.

"She's….she's so beautiful." She gushed to her daughter-in-law. Wendy beamed proudly from ear to ear.

"Beautiful huh? So she takes mostly after her mom then?" Mr. Pines joked.

"Looks like it so far." Dipper leaned in to adoringly stroke his daughter's head and the thin red fuzz that covered it.

"She is just one of the most precious little….oh! Oh! Hold on, before I forget…" While delicately cradling Phoebe in one arm, she reached into her bag and excitedly revealed her gift. "Here! I got her a baby book!"

"Aw Mom," Her son chuckled as and Wendy settled themselves down on two chairs they had pulled up opposite their couch. "You didn't have to."

"Oh trust me, you're definitely going to want this. Look, the first few pages are even all plotted out to help get you started." She excitedly explained. "Here's where you can put a couple of her ultrasound pictures, here's where you can put her footprints….actually, we can probably do some of this right now! What do you think?"

"Uh…." Dipper started to search his memory, as did Wendy. The couple looked to one another. "We have ultrasounds…...do we have footprints?"

"I'm….not sure." She confessed.

"No footprints?" Mrs. Pines was surprised. "Did you ask at the hospital?"

"No, don't remember asking. Oh man, we definitely have those." Dipper facepalmed, then promptly apologized to his wife. "Sorry, I should have been on top of that."

Wendy chuckled and pat his shoulder before he could guilt himself too hard. "Dude, it's fine. Neither of us were really in any shape to think about that kind of stuff when we got the baby to the hospital-"

"Wait, _**what**_?!" Mrs. Pines yelped.

A long pause followed after the sweet family moment came to a crashing halt. Wendy and Dipper's hearts skipped a collective beat. With just that one little slip they had broken the simple but all-important vow they made when their daughter wasn't even a day old; to keep the truth of how Phoebe was born a secret from Dipper's mother at all costs. Now that a mere hint of it had come out, Mrs. Pines was already looking alarmed beyond description.

"What….what do you mean when you got the baby to the hospital?" She demanded before either one of them could say a word. "Phoebe was born there, wasn't she?"

When she didn't get an immediate answer she asked a little more forcefully, "Wasn't she?"

By this point a "yes" would only sound suspicious at best. Wendy decided since she had been the one who had accidentally blown it, she was going to take the lead on this. She signed to Dipper to let her do the talking for now. "Well…..no, actually."

"What?!" Mrs. Pines gasped. Her husband gave her calming pat on the shoulder, though truth be told he was only slightly less surprised than she was. Both of them could have sworn that their daughter-in-law had been completely gung-ho for a hospital birth as a purposeful change of pace from the usual Corduroy way of doing things.

"But….I thought you wanted to have her in a hospital." He confusedly noted.

Dipper silently prayed with every fiber of his being that his wife had some idea of what she was doing. Luckily for her she had plenty of experience improvising believable-sounding excuses.

"Yeah, I did, but….see, it was kind of a weird last minute thing. All of a sudden I was all, 'Hey you know what? Tradition's tradition. If my brothers and I all came out just fine though home births, why not the same for this generation?'"

"And so….that was it?" Mrs. Pine's face twisted up with confusion. "No hospital birth? Just like that?"

"Yeah. It was seriously like, the craziest thing. You know, Corduroys think that if you come out all natural at home, then you come out tough enough to take whatever life can throw your way." Wendy actually sounded quite genuine at this point. Mainly because that was her clan's actual philosophy on the subject. "And so as soon as I knew Phoebe was coming, I just had this moment where all that stuff suddenly just made like, total sense to me. It was pretty nuts, yeah. But it was also just felt kind of right, you know?"

The young woman drummed her fingers on her thigh as she kept her gaze locked with her mother-in-law's eyes and hoped fervently that she would buy it.

"So….so when she came, you didn't even try to get to a hospital?" Mrs. Pines tried to wrap her brain around what she was hearing. "At all?"

"Nope. I felt the contractions come on, had my whole little revelation thing, made my decision, and I got into bed." Wendy licked bone-dry lips before continuing. "Uh, after I talked it over with Dipper. And everyone else."

"Uh-huh" Dipper readily agreed. "After she explained it, we were all completely on board with it."

"Totally one hundred percent." His wife hurriedly added.

"You...you really sat down and talked it over?" Mrs. Pines tried imagining such a discussion to no avail.

"Yeah, Corduroys are usually in labor for a while, and I was no different." Wendy lied right to their faces. "Trust me, we had plenty of time to chat about making changes to the plan."

Did….did you even have a doctor there or….or anything?" The aghast grandmother asked. Desperate to calm her mother-in-law, Wendy sputtered out an answer without even thinking it over.

"We had...a...a midwife."

"Yeah, don't worry." Dipper hastily assured his panicking parent. "Candy had everything completely under control."

"Candy?" Of course Mrs. Pines knew this good friend of her children . In fact, she knew her a little too well for this particular situation. "But….you just said you had a midwife."

Dipper wanted to kick himself for accidentally dropping a name. "Oh, uh….we did! We definitely did!"

"Candy was the midwife." said Wendy.

Mrs. Pines paused as she tried to mentally process this. "But isn't she a nurse?"

"She uh….she also midwifes sometimes. You know, on the side." Dipper fibbed.

"What? Is that even legal?" His mother cocked an eyebrow

"In Oregon it is." Wendy lied.

Mrs. Pines was now hugging Phoebe a little firmer, as if she was trying to retroactively protect the baby from the ordeal of her own birth. Despite all the explanations and justifications, she was in no way a fan of what she was hearing. The new parents meanwhile strove to keep straight faces while their hearts beat like drums against their ribcages. As usual Mr. Pines felt the natural instinct to try and lighten the awkward mood.

"Lyn, relax. It sounds like everything was fine. You're acting like….like they almost had the baby out in the middle of the woods or something." He chuckled as he stroked their grandchild's forehead.

Immediately both Dipper and Wendy erupted with nervous chuckles that lasted for a good several seconds before they ceased just as abruptly as they started. Dipper grabbed his wife's hand and gave it a sharp squeeze that said simply, "_We were laughing for too long."_

"_I know, I know."_ She not only caught his full meaning, but her husband was able to easily decipher the frantic squeezes she gave back.

A hideously long and painfully uncomfortable pause followed. Mrs. Pines just stared incredulously at her son and daughter-in-law. Dipper and Wendy squirmed uneasily. This was beyond torture. Finally she swallowed hard and asked them, "What was that?"

"It was just….that was just a funny thought. I mean, how crazy would it be if we almost had her right out in the forest?" Dipper replied, then forced out a laugh.

"Almost?" Mrs. Pines repeated. They could all practically hear her stomach knot a little tighter.

"Uh…..I mean, how crazy would it be if we had her right out in the forest?" He repeated with a slight correction. As his mother looked him dead in the eye, Dipper swore that he was about to perspire right through his undershirt.

"Yeah. I mean, that'd just be totally nuts." Nervous sweat was plastering Wendy's tank top to her body like cling wrap.

Suddenly the apartment door unlocked from the outside and swung open. At first it looked like the panicked new parents were saved thanks to a badly-needed distraction arriving in just the nick of name. A familiar face bounced in with her whole crew trailing along behind her.

"Hellooooo, family!" Mabel whooped.

"Grandma! Pop-Pop!" Finn and his sister raced on over and each hugged the leg of one of their grandparents. Waddles IV followed close behind the kids and affectionately snuffled at everyone's shins.

"There's my troublemakers." Mr. Pines laughed as he ruffled the little twins' hair.

"Pop-Pop! Pop-Pop! Didya meet Phoebe yet?" Finn excitedly demanded. "Didya?"

"Lookit! She's the best! Isn't she the best?" Gladys squeaked. She bounced up and down with arms outstretched until her grandmother lowered the baby enough so she could give her cousin a gentle hug. The little girl adoringly nuzzled the newborn's pudgy cheeks and beamed with delight. "She's the BEST Phoebe!"

"She sure is a cutie and a half!" Mabel pecked her parents each on the cheek before she lovingly gave her full and undivided attention to her baby niece. Despite the tension in the air, Phoebe couldn't have looked any more serene as she half-dozed. Her aunt immediately began gushing ecstatically over the dozy little one. "And how's our little Fee-Fee doing? You being good for Grandma and Pop-Pop so far? Ooooh, yes you are! Look at you, so cute and sleepy and happy! Haha! Allllll that trouble to get you out a couple days ago and you just don't even care at all, huh? You're just like your mama. You came out in the Shack and everything and you're as cool as a little cucumber-"

"The...th-the SHACK?" Mrs. Pines involuntarily yelled. Clearly she wasn't happy to learn that her granddaughter had been born in a tumbledown tourist trap. She turned her bulging eyes to her son and daughter-in-law. Dipper and Wendy shot Mabel a joint look of utter horror. The brunette went stiff as a statue when she realized she had broken the Vow.

"Uh, I mean….." She started fumbling over her own tongue. "Phoebe was...um…."

"The Shack?!" Mrs. Pines gasped again. "You mean, the Mystery Shack? That Shack?"

"Well-"

"Mom, we can explain-" Dipper tried to speak up.

"Phoebe was actually born IN the SHACK?!"

"Ummm…." Mabel's mind churned away at top speed as she cooked up an excuse. "Okay, so funny thing. A lot of tourists have been getting lost on their way to visit the Mystery Shack and have been ending up at Gravity Falls General instead. I mean, that's totally a thing that's been happening for a while, but recently it's been a lot more than usual. Like, a whooooole lot..."

While she jabbered, she didn't realize the frantic signals her twin and sister-in-law were giving her to stop. Meanwhile her mother's confusion was shooting up into the stratosphere.

"Wait, but-" Mrs. Pines tried to get a word in.

"...So many that some of the townies have started nicknaming the hospital the Shack. Crazy, right? And of course that's been mixing soooo many people up even more, but hey, it's one of those nicknames that just sticks! Even we can't help but use it now! Isn't that right, hun-buns?" Mabel finished as she turned to her kids for back-up. Her twins gazed back wordlessly. Both had total incomprehension stamped all over their little faces.

"Huh?" Gladys squeaked.

"Isn't that right?" Mabel repeated and signaled to them with a nod. But they still had no idea what she was trying to do.

"What's right, Mommy?" Finn innocently asked, and Mabel's face fell with despair. Little did she realize that this entire desperate affair was even more futile than she knew, seeing as how she had completely contradicted Dipper and Wendy's story.

"That's not a thing at all, isn't it?" Mrs. Pines bluntly called her daughter out on the obvious lie.

"...Wellllll...it could be." She replied very sheepishly. Behind her, the new parents took each other's hand again and braced themselves for an epic fallout. Thankfully, nothing of the sort happened. The badly stressed grandmother let out a heavy sigh as she chose to forcefully resign herself for hers and everyone else's sake.

"I'm….I'm just better off not knowing, aren't I?"

"Yes." Dipper and Wendy spoke as one, and they both nodded so furiously that it was a miracle that their heads stayed on their necks. Mabel stroked the baby's head and grinned reassuringly at her mother.

"The important thing is that Fee-Fee's here, and she's adorable…."


	70. Excluded

_Seventy. The big 7-0. How on earth did I make it this far with this many oneshots? Seriously, your guesses are as good as mine. _

_Anywho, here's a piece based off an idea suggested to me by Kimbee3. Thanks, Kimbee!_

_Next chapter of PL should be up by the middle of this week. In the meantime, enjoy this latest little family story!_ \- **_SGA_**

* * *

"...And that's how you get a worm on your hook. Not so hard, right?" Stan asked. His little pupil however didn't seem all that interested. Instead the four-year-old kept looking around the little boat with confusion stamped all over his rosy-cheeked face.

"Where's Gladys?" Finn asked his gregrunkle yet again. He then turned and asked the other adult sitting with them in the "Stan O'War III" in the middle of Lake Gravity Falls and squeaked curiously, "Where's Gladys?"

"Huh? Whazzat buddy?" His dozy uncle mumbled. Dipper was still only half-awake at most. He genuinely couldn't even remember how he managed to get from his bed at the Shack out here before the crack of dawn. The young man let out a whopping yawn that was interrupted halfway through when his great-uncle gave him a mighty slap on the back.

"C'mon kid, look alive!" He said gruffly. "We gotta show how _real_ men catch a fish!"

"You put the worm inna water?" Finn guessed and pointed to the loaded hook.

"That's right. Well, that's right when you want to catch 'em one at a time." The self-proclaimed expert extra0drinaire clarified. "Nothing wrong with the classic style, but it can also take a heckuva lot of time if they don't feel like bitin.'. So if you want to take in a big haul fast, that's when you take it to the next level. And if there's one thing that a man isn't afraid to do, it's take that risk."

Stan winked as he got to work. First he attached a net to the back of the boat. He opened up the motor and jammed in something that had way too many oddly blinking lights for Dipper's liking. The young man quickly woke up.

"Uhhh….Grunkle Stan? What's that?"

"Something my nerd brother tried to pitch. Said it was some kind of mechanical…..ehh, I forget the name. Some performance-enchancing whosamafuddgit." He distractedly explained as he attached it into the motor. "Anyway, I figure this should give us a nice speed boost. Then all we have to do is drive around and sweep up a bunch of dumb fish before they even know what's-"

"Whoa, wait! What?!" Dipper grabbed his four-year-old nephew and protectively moved to the front of the boat. "Stan, no! Ford probably threw that out for a reason!"

"Probably because he couldn't figure out what else he could do with it. You know him, he's all book smarts, no common sense." Stan brushed aside his great-nephew's objections with a gruff chuckle. "Alright, let's get this baby going, and soon we'll-"

* * *

"...And that's the gist of what happened." The old man finished explaining. He then nodded to the damaged boat behind him sitting atop a trailer. The Stan of War III was mostly intact, with the exception of the gaping charred hole where the engine used to be.

His great niece was in extremely rare and stern form that morning. She stood there on the porch with a cross frown, arms folded, and brow furrowed. As her chocolate brown eyes practically pierced him all the way down into his very core, the old man started to involuntarily fidget.

"What? What's the matter?"

Mabel still didn't say anything. And when the ultra-chatty brunette was as quiet as a stone, that was never a good sign.

"Ooohhh! Sorry!" Dipper quickly read all the clues, and performed a full-body wince while he sputtered out his apology. His twin silently signaled that she had no beef with him, then continued to dig deep into their great uncle with a sharp glare.

"What?" Stan asked her again. "C'mon, don't be like that! What is it?"

"You took Finn out this morning." She finally broke her silence and stated flatly.

"Yeah, I took him out for a little fishing trip What's wrong with that?" He demanded. She just folded her arms and huffed disapprovingly. "Ah c'mon! Mabel! C'mon, what gives? Mabel!"

The young woman didn't make a sound. The old man could feel the sweat beading up on his wrinkled forehead. This was starting to get worse than all those times he'd found himself being interrogated by cops.

"Okay, okay, okay, so maybe I went a little overboard. Look, I just wanted to show him how a Pines man does some serious fishing, that's all! That ain't bad, right?"

"You took Finn out on the lake to show him." She said, putting extra emphasis on her son's name. The little tyke meanwhile just stood by his uncle Dipper's side and watched on confusedly.

"Yeah, and….what? What? Okay, the engine power-up definitely didn't work out like we planned, I'm sorry!" He apologized, but she still didn't look anywhere near ready to forgive him. "Hey, what gives? C'mon, I don't see you giving your brother the silent treatment here!"

"Because Dipper apologized for the right thing!" Mabel replied, and his confusion shot into the stratosphere.

"What? I told you, I'm sorry about the-"

"I don't care about the stupid explody stuff that happened!" She told him. "Well kinda actually, but not as much!"

"Then what's the big deal?" He implored. "Can you just tell me already.

"You took Finn on a fishing trip!"

"And…..what? What?"

"Stan?" Dipper pointed to himself, then his sister, then back and forth a few times before finally pointing down to the puzzled-looking little boy, who had since moved over to his mother.

"What?" he still didn't get it. Thankfully only a few seconds later a rosy-cheeked little face peered out the door.

"Finn?" The tyke squeak. The second Gladys laid eyes on her brother she was afire with excitement. "Finn! Finn! Wheah didya go?"

"Hi!" Finn bounced over to his sister. "Gregrunkle Stan and Uncle Dipper took me to the lake! They took me early inna morning! Reallyreallyreally early! We were fishin'!"

"You got to go fishin'?" She repeated curiously.

"Yeah! And Gregrunkle Stan tried to make the boat go fast! But it didn't go fast, he just made a boat 'slosion Like this this!" He jumped up and spread his little arms wide. "KABLOOEY! Just' Like that!"

"Oooohh! Ooohhh! I wanna see a boat 'spolsion! I wanna see a boat 'splosion tooooo!" Her little sneakers lit up as she started jumping about excitedly. As the reunited siblings jabbered away with one another, Stan figured it out at last.

"Ooohhhhh boy." He groaned with a mighty facepalm.

"Grunkle Stan, why'd you just take Finn?" Mabel finally went right to the heart of the matter.

"I...uh….."

"When you first took us fishing, you didn't just take Dipper and leave me all alone at the Shack." Mabel was both deeply offended as a parent and a twin. "You took us both along!"

"Hey!" He grumbled. "You two dumped me almost as soon as we got there!"

"Yeah, we did." Dipper made no attempt to deny that. "But then we felt bad about leaving you behind, remember?"

"Super-bad! It was Guilt City, population: us!" Mabel emphasized. "And then we came back, and then do you remember what happened after that? We had an amazing afternoon! Together! As a family!"

"I...I was…." He struggled for words at first. Meanwhile it didn't help that his great-niece had stopped giving him the piercing stare and was now assaulting him with betrayed puppy dog eyes instead. The old man's shoulders sank as he let a sigh.

"Okay, look, I….I thought….I thought maybe he could have used some….just some guy time, you know? Not that you're doing anything wrong with him right now." he was very quick to clarify. "Just wanted to take him out for some manly bonding time with me and his uncle, and…."

Now that he had to actually come out and explain it, all his reasoning was suddenly making a whole lot less sense to him. He actually started to imagine what it would be like if he was a kid again and Ford was taken somewhere without him. Suffice to say, he didn't enjoy what he pictured. The old man grimaced. With nothing really left to say in his defense, he looked pleadingly to his great-niece and muttered, "I'm….I'm sorry. Guess I didn't really think this through."

The simple but genuine apology was all she needed to hear. The famously forgiving young woman brightened up with a smile and proceeded to squash his organs up with a tight hug.

"Thank yooooou!"

"D-don't mention it." He gasped as he nursed bruising sides. "Sorry for upsetting you."

"It's okay!" She smilingly conceded. "You know, my little gentleman's probably going to need some guy time later on when he gets older."

"Really?" he was surprised to hear this, especially after his talking-to.

"Yeah, Glad-Glad's probably going to want to spend more time have gal-outs with her mommy at some point. And when that happens, then you can do go your guy stuff. But for right now," She nodded down to her tots, "My hun-buns really don't like being apart for that long."

Both the little twins were still jabbering away nonstop with each other, completely oblivious to the world around them.

"No splittin' 'em up, got it." Stan's bones creaked audibly as he bent over and swept the two up into his arms, and both the little twins squealed with laughter as he took them both by surprise. "So, it looks like both of you little gremlins are getting a fishing lesson, reeaaal soon!"

"YAY!" Finn whooped. "Gonna see another water 'splosion!"

"Uh-huh! And soon we'll have you both fishin' like real men!"

"Weal men! Weal men!" Gladys eagerly chanted.

Mabel looked surprised. "You mean like...soon-soon?"

"Yeah, and I'll take 'em both along!"

"Oh! Oh, uh...actually…." Mabel started to fidget. Now she was the guilty-looking one. "Um…"

"What? What's the matter now?"

"See, before you went ahead did your little trip dealie this morning, I was doing some thinking and thought because of all the summers they were gonna spend here….I decided that maybe it would be nice to give them a beginner's lesson together-"

"No problem, I'm already on it!" He grinned at the kids.

"You didn't let me finish. I did a lot of thinking and-"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. The family expert's on the case!"

"About that." She rubbed the back of her neck. "I...kind of asked someone else already."

"Huh? Wait, someone better than me?" He asked, surprised.

Mabel now just tugged anxiously at the neck of her sweater. "Uhhhh…."

* * *

It was a perfect day to close the Shack early and spend the rest of the afternoon down at the lake. Dipper helped Phoebe dig a hole in the sand, Melody and Soos sunned themselves side by side, and the eternal workaholic Ford tinkered with something. And down at the water, a little girl looked over into the water and squealed encouragingly.

"...Heeeeaaaah fishy fishy fishy! Heeeeeaaaah fishy fishy fishy!"

"Why are you bein' so loud to the fishies?" Her brother squeaked.

"Because theah undeh the wateh!" Gladys explained matter of factly. "How else awe they gonna heah me?"

"Oh." The little boy said with an understanding nod.

"I get what you're going for here." Their teacher laughed. "But it's probably best if you don't-"

Just then Finn felt a small tug on his line. He gasped and immediately began to try and reel it in. "Fishy! Fishy!"

"Spin it in!" His sister cheered him on. "Spin the thingy!"

"I'm spinnin' it! I'm spinnin' it!" He said through tightly gritted teeth. "It….doesn't...wanna..."

Gladys dropped her tiny pole and wrapped her little arms around his stomach. They were able to anchor themselves down, but they were unable to reel in their catch. That's when their teacher sauntered out of the shallows and came in for the save.

"Okay hold on, guys." A pair of wiry arms wrapped around them. "One, two, three!"

She picked them both up with ease and began walking back, and thanks to her help the feisty trout was literally dragged fighting from the water. The young woman than slid it from the hook and dumped it into a nearby bucket.

"Look! Lookit! A fishy!" Gladys pointed as it swam about.

"We caught one! We caught it!" Her brother cheered.

"Great job! Now let's see how many more we can bag." She wormed the hook, gave it to Gladys, and the child did a clumsy by successful cast off. Once her niece and nephew were set, the fishing teacher rolled her jean legs back up and returned to the lake shallows.

"Aunt Wenny?" Gladys squeaked. "Thanks for teachin' us!"

"Anytime, cutie." She beamed.

"Aunt Wenny? Can we have sticks too?" Finn asked, pointing to the handmade wooden spear in his aunt's hand. She chuckled at the eager request.

"I told you, not until you're older. Just watch for now." She reminded.

"How do you get a fishy like that again?"

"Remember, all you have to do is keep still and have your eyes peeled, and then…"

Stan sat a little ways away, plopped down in a folding chair and watching the scene down in the water. His spectating was interrupted when his great-niece popped up beside him.

"Hey Grunkle Stan!" She gave him a mild spook before handing him a can of Pitt cola. "Need a fresh one?"

"Uh, sure." He took the beverage and popped it open. "Thanks."

"So…" Mabel smiled sheepishly. "Look, you can take them both on as many trips as you want later, I promise. It just didn't seem fair to let you do it before-"

There was a burst of triumphant commotion down at the lake. Wendy whooped to the high heavens as she held a freshly speared fish high above her head, and her niece and nephew cheered her. Stan gave Mabel a pat on the arm.

"Trust me, you're fine." The manliest and most expert of all fishers gruffly reassured her with a grin. "I'd be out of my freakin' mind to say you didn't make the right call…."


	71. Odds and Ends - 7

"**Distraction**"

"All right. Your kids are playing out in the backyard with Waddles. You've got to hand all these in first thing tomorrow morning. It's Sunday afternoon, you're wearing your grading sweater, and you got a full mug of Mabel Juice fresh out of the blender."

After giving herself a good pep-talk, Mabel Pines put on a determined expression, sat down at the kitchen table and cracked her knuckles "Let's do this."

The art teacher flipped open the first of several notebooks and got straight to business. Between quick sips, she chewed her lip while she thoughtfully mulled each progress report. "Okay first up is Carlos….hmmmm…..he's really come along since the beginning of the year, especially with the silhouette project…I think he's earned a-"

"Mommy?" There was a small tug on her pant leg. Mabel glanced down to see both of her children curiously gazing up with the chocolate brown eyes that they had inherited from her (along with literally the rest of their physical appearances).

"Hey there, hun-buns!" She chirped. "What's up?"

"Whatcha doin', Mommy?" Gladys piped up.

"I already told you sillies." Their mother smiled. "Mommy needs to take a little bit of time to get some work stuff done. Now why don't you two go back outside with Waddles? I'm sure he'd love a couple rounds of pig soccer!"

The good thing about having twins was that they could easily entertain each other just fine. In the meantime, work duties called for her. Mabel gave each one a pat on the head and turned back to the task at hand. There was another gentle tug.

"But Imma penguin, Mommy." Her daughter gently protested as she fiddled with one of her Saturn-shaped spring antennae.

"You're a what?" She asked distractedly.

"Penguin! Imma penguin." The tot repeated.

"Me too! We're penguins!" Finn announced. "And you know what you are?"

"What? She turned and cocked an eyebrow. Her son pointed up at her.

"Youra a great big fish!"

"Big, BIG fish!" Gladys emphasized.

These blunt squeaky assertions were all it took to smash her resistance. Like magic, the formerly laser-focused woman lost every single ounce of motivation in just the blink of an eye. Suddenly she wanted absolutely nothing more in the world than to join in on whatever nonsense game they had just invented. A grin speedily snuck across her face.

"Ohhhh, am I now?"

"YEAH!" They chimed together.

"Well, looks you two sillies just made a biiiig mistake. I'm not just any fish." She declared defiantly. "I'm actually the _Queen_ Fish. And do you know what the Queen Fish looooves to eat?"

"Noooo!" Her daughter giggled.

"Cute tasty little penguins!" Mabel closed her laptop and jumped out from her seat. The children squealed and raced around to the other side of the table.

"You can't eat us!" Finn shot back. "Cuz I'm….I'm...I'm PRESIDENT Penguin!"

"I'm Pwincess Pesident Penguin!" Gladys announced.

"So what? _I'm_ Princes President Mayor Duchess Emperor Super-Queen Fish! And you know what else? I'm also _**HUUUUNGRY**_!" Her tots shrieked with laughter as she pursued them twice around the table. Meanwhile she trembled under the power of her own hearty giggles while she chased them outside and into their little backyard.

Later that evening, the twins lay fed, washed, and sound asleep in their beds. Downstairs, their mother still had a little bit of a ways to go until she could even think about turning in. She sat at her laptop and chugged away on her progress reports.

"Mabel Juice, don't fail me now!" She urged her specialty brew with its harsh caffeine kick and subtle taste of plastic dinosaur. The young woman took a heavy gulp then went back to work.

Nearby, her pet pig lounged on his little bed. Waddles IV raised his head and grunted sleepily to her, as if he was exclaiming his disbelief at the mount work she was trying to get done at that hour. Mabel turned, flashed him an unrepentant grin and let out a soft but proud cheer.

"Zero regrets!"

* * *

"**Face Your Fear"**

"It's okay…..it's going to be okay…." Dipper repeated gently to the one and a half year old toddler in his lab. "Everything's going to be okay." .

"It's gonna be just fine." Wendy knelt down and chimed in with a smile. "There's nothing to be scared about."

Together the two parents continued to shower down assurances upon their little one. Phoebe gazed up curiously at the two of them as she clutched her stuffed lamb. Dipper gave Wendy a wordless nod. The adult redhead ruffled her daughter's hair before she climbed up off the floor.

"Okay, here it comes. Remember, there's nothing to be scared of." Wendy said one last time before she opened a door. Immediately Phoebe's emerald green eyes almost bugged clean out of her head as she watched pure horror lumber into view. The tot looked to her parents and whimpered fearfully. Despite her obvious distress, neither of them did anything to make the terrible thing go away.

"It's fine. You're fine." Dipper pat her shoulder. "It can't hurt you."

"It's going to be okay. Just watch, alright?" Wendy told her.

Suddenly the horror stirred to life with a roar. Phoebe dropped her stuffed animal and exploded with a terrified shriek that blasted her parents' eardrums.

"Calm down! It's fine! It's fine! You're going to be fine" Dipper hastily assured her. Despite his reassurances, the most terrible thing in the world was still roaring right there inside their very home.

When it became quite clear her parents weren't going to do anything about, the child took matters into her own hands. Besides Wendy's looks, Phoebe had also inherited her mother's fighting spirit, so in the heat of the moment she decided the best defense here was a fierce offense. With a loud cry she tore out of her father's grasp, charged headlong and pounced on the roaring horror. She wrapped her tiny limbs around it and then began beating it with her little fists.

"Whoa! Okay, okay, okay!" Wendy yanked a nearby cord and the horror quickly fell silent. But Phoebe still held on tight s she punched, smacked and kicked it.

"It's fine! It's fine!" Dipper sputtered as he pried her off. The little girl turned around, clambered up her father's scrawny body like a little squirrel and took refuge into into his arms. She then eyed the horror with a suspicion and hate-filled glare.

"Look, you got it. See?" Wendy tipped it over onto the floor then tapped it with a booted foot to show that it was officially "dead." Their daughter eyed it warily for a few more moments. Phoebe then let out a distrustful hiss before she buried her head into her father's chest.

"Well, that couldn't have possibly backfired any more." Dipper observed bluntly. Wendy cracked up as she pat their child's head.

"Seriously, what is with you?" She chuckled. Phoebe merely let out a muffled growl. Still laughing, Wendy then looked to her husband and asked, "Okay seriously. Did you get let her hair sucked in there once or something?"

"What?" Dipper said with horror. "No!"

"Dude, it's fine! I'm not going to be mad, I swear. I just want to know."

"No! No, of course not!" He denied it. "Wendy, c'mon!"

"Sorry." She relented once it became pretty obvious he was telling her the truth. "Just….trying to figure this out."

"It's okay. This is…." Dipper thought for a moment. "You know, I don't even know what."

At this point Phoebe peeked back at her hated foe and twisted her freckled face into a snarl. Now both her parents were laughing as they found themselves stumped once again by the biggest mystery of their lives.

"It's okay….it's okay, sweetie…." Dipper chuckled to their riled little redhead

"Okay, cutie, no more for now. You win." Wendy glanced to her daughter as she stowed the vacuum back into the closest. "But one of these days we're finally going to figure out why you hate this so much…."

* * *

**"Touche" **

"...All right, enjoy your stay, folks!" Stan enthusiastically bid the band of unsuspecting tourists.

Camera flashes and awed gasps started to fill the air as soon as they left the gift shop and entered the exhibit halls, filled with a wonderful array of overpriced and shoddy attractions. Once the last one was in, the original Mister Mystery immediately dropped the showman demeanor, flipped up his iconic eyepatch and shuffled off. Lucky for him he had happened to be doing price markups when their tour bus showed up. But now it was time to track down some help for when this crowd was finished with their attractions. The experienced huckster read it all over their faces like they were a bunch open books. These rubes were doing going to be snatching up quite a few shoddy souvenirs later.

"Soos? Soooos!" Oddly enough, the Shack's co-manager failed to materialize at the ready. But in case he was busy with something that was fine. It was the summer, which meant that there was plenty of visiting family around to help out. But just in case he could save himself a walk around the Shack, he opened up the vending machine and yelled downstairs. "Hey-"

"Busy! Working on an experiment!" Ford quickly barked back from down below. Stan grumbled as he closed the entrance to his twin's lab up tight before shuffling off.

"Kids! Hey! Kids!" He called, but no reinforcements appeared. He searched high and low found one of the "kids" lounging in the kitchen with feet up on the table.

"Hey Wendy, think you can man the register while-"

"Breast-feeding mom. Instant immunity." Wendy declared with a chuckle and nodded down at her daughter. Three-month-old Phoebe was half-hidden underneath her flannel shirt.

"Sorry." Stan respectfully looked away. Look, you got any idea where anyone is? We got a whole pack of yokels that just came in, and I need as many hands as I can get in the shop."

"I think they're all playing outside."

He investigated her claim, and just like she had claimed he found the others out in the back. What exactly they were currently doing at the moment however was beyond him. As far as he could tell, they were just growling and roaring at one another and acting like they had all gone mad.

So nothing that far out of the usual, actually.

"Hi Grunkle Stan!" Mabel breathlessly greeted.

"Hey!" He tapped his eight-ball cane on the peeling wood porch. "Didn't you hear that bus pull up? C'mon, I'm gonna need some help inside, pronto!"

"Gregunkle Stan! Gregunkle Stan!" Finn came racing up to him with a big smile on his face. "We're dinosaurs!"

"Imma ticewatops!" Gladys lowered her head headbutted his leg with her antennae headband.

"Yeah, that's great, kiddos." He mumbled distractedly. "Go get your mom and uncles. They need to go to the gift shop."

"Gregunkle Stan?" Finn piped up.

"Yeah?"

"Dinosaurs don't have gift shops!" And with this very matter of fact statement, he and his sister raced off to rejoin the fun.

"Ohhhh!" Mabel whooped delightedly. "ZING!"

"Hey, can you at least-" He was too slow on the return, and the young woman's attention was already occupied. Mabel let out a playful roar as she chased her son and Soos around and around.

"Watch out!" She bared her teeth and spread her arms wide. "The Hug-asaurus us on a rampage!"

"Run, little dude!" A badly distracted Soos gasped to the squealing child by his side. "I think she's serious!"

"Hey, c'mon! Hey!" Stan continued his increasingly futile quest to recruit some extra hands. He waved impatiently to his great-nephew. "Dipper, over here! Register duty, let's go!"

"Sorry, occupied!" Dipper laughed as his growling little niece pursued him and Melody.

"Gonna getcha! Now Imma Gladyosauwus! And Im gonna getcha!" Gladys growled. She grabbed her honorary aunt's leg, and Melody dropped to the ground.

"Oh, you got me!" She gasped in playful despair.

"Melody! Let's go!" Stan fruitlessly called to her, but she was officially preoccupied.

"Busy right now!" She chortled.

"You call this busy? For cryin' out loud, I just need at the register for like, fifteen minutes!"

"Dinosaws don't have wegistehs, Gwegrunkle Stan!" Gladys interrupted her attack to call back at him.

Now that it had become quite clear that gruff assertiveness wasn't reeling in any help, the old man finally let out a long sigh finally asked, "A little help in the gift shop? Please?"

"Huh?" Soos finally noticed Stan. "Oh! Sorry, Stan! What do you-"

"RAWWRR!" Finn jumped and grasped onto his belly.

"Hold that thought!" The teddy bear of a man politely requested his boss while he let the little boy take him down.

"Oh c'mon!"

"Okay, okay, we're coming!" Mabel bounced over to help, with Dipper following in tow. "Soos? Melly? Can you make sure to keep those hungry little dinosaurs at bay?"

"Will do!" Melody laughed. The cuddly woman now lay sprawled on her back with her little "niece" growling and and crawling all over her.

"Took you guys long enough." Stan huffed at the elder twins. "I thought I was about to go hoarse."

"Sorry, Grunkle Stan." His great nephew just couldn't resist. "We couldn't understand you."

"What? I was standing right there on the freakin' porch!" He exclaimed incredulously. "How the heck could you not understand me? "

Dipper shared a glance with his giggly sister. "Easy. Dinosaurs don't know English….."


	72. Dramatic Measures

_In case this seems to be a little soon considering I just completed PL, I've actually already had the rough draft for this lying around in a folder for a while already, so it didn't take much for it to get edited and cleaned up ("edited" being an extremely relative term here - knowing me there's going to be the usual weird amount of typos that were inexplicably missed all my proofreads)._

_And besides working on completing half-finished stories, I'm already toying with a few other ideas already (both my own and some suggestions from readers), including scenes and snippets from the days when Dipper and Wendy had just started dating, summer adventures from the twins' teenage years, maybe a reappearance from Mabel's ex, and some others. As usual, if you have an idea, pop it my way and we'll see where my brain takes it! In the meantime, enjoy what I've cooked up here! - **SGA**_

* * *

Pacifica Northwest's day wasn't going very well.

It had started when she had attempted to take things down a couple pegs and relax for the first time in what felt like ages. The last few days had been jam-packed with near back-to-back-to-back charity picnics, galas and dinners covering a wide range of local causes, and every single one of those events had been almost entirely organized and run by her, Gravity Falls' resident philanthropist. They had all been wonderful successes, but she had been left completely exhausted by it all, not to mention a little wound up after going near non-stop for so long.

So when she awoke to her first event-free day in nearly a week, she decided to kick it off with a nice simple jog before breakfast. It was only supposed to be a few loops around the expansive Northwest estate and nothing more than that. But then things took an unfortunate turn when she strayed only a little too far into the surrounding woods and almost immediately ran right smack into a lumbering pair of trolls. At least, that's what she thought they were. They were big, oafish, grey-skinned creatures, with pointed ears, wart-studded faces, fang-lined mouths, lumbering arms that almost dragged along the ground, and basically appeared like they had walked out of a children's storybook. The two had been wandering aimlessly by her home before she bumbled into them through sheer foul luck.

Now she found herself bouncing atop a leathery shoulder as the two brutes lumbered through the forest and discussed what to do next with their lucky catch. It quickly became painfully clear that she was the first of her species that had ever wandered into the clutches of this not-so-bright pair.

"...I think we should try and stew her." One of them suggested in a gruff baritone.

"Have you ever cooked a human before?"

"No. But I figure we can't really go wrong with stew. Get some water boiling, throw some carrots and other stuff in there….should probably turn out fine."

"I dunno. I heard that humans can be really bad for your system."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they're supposed to give you food poisoning really easily."

"Who told you that?"

"One of my cousins. He says he heard it from one of his friends."

"So what do you think we should do?"

"I dunno….maybe…..like, marry her or something?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, well, isn't that one of the things you can do if you catch one? I mean, she is pretty. At least, she's human-pretty."

"I guess we could do that….wait, but would one of us marry her, or would both of us do it?"

"Huh…..I feel like I should know this…."

As the two dim-witted beasts continued debating, Pacifica tried checked her phone. Fortunately for her it was the middle of the summer, and that meant a certain pair of siblings were currently vacationing in town at their great-uncles'. She hoped that at least one of them was currently responding to the hastily-typed text she had sent out shortly after she had been nabbed. Just to be sure though, as she was sure that her captors weren't looking she began pounding out another message. Meanwhile the two trolls continued wracking their small brains.

"...Wait, wait, wait, I think I got it. Maybe we can do both?"

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe we turn her into a stew and then we like, marry the stew?" One of them suggested. The other stroked his bulbous wart-infested chin.

"Hey….you know, I think you might be onto something there-"

"HOLD IT!" A defiant cry rang out from just up ahead, and a skinny young man leapt out from behind some bushes a couple yards ahead. Pacifica's relief however was very short-lived. Dipper Pines stood alone and unarmed in front of two muscle-packed behemoths that hulked at almost ten feet each.

"Hold what?" One of the trolls asked. Dipper boldly stared down the two behemoths.

"Let her go." He nodded to his friend and demanded flatly. The brutes however weren't going to give up their lucky prize just because some scrawny stranger demanded it.

"What?" Exclaimed one of the trolls."But we just got her!"

"Yeah! She ran into us fair and square!" The other growled in protest. Pacifica shot her friend an impatiently anxious look. She hoped that he had a plan, because she prefered not to watch him get smashed flat before her very eyes.

While the two beasts loomed like living mountains over Dipper, the young man didn't appear intimidated in the slightest. He merely grinned slyly at their toothy scowls while he reached into one of his pockets.

"Well then, it looks like we might-" He took out a small orb, hurled it to the ground and it exploded with a thick grey cloud. Both the trolls bumbled backwards with a start as the smoke dispersed, revealing….one very, very confused young man.

"Hey! What'd you do that for?" One of the trolls snarled irritably.

"Uh….I was…..I…." Dipper mumbled. Pacifica gritted her teeth. Things didn't appear to be working out as planned.

"Dipper! What are you doing?" She braved a whisper. He motioned for her to try and stay calm.

"Mabel?" He called out as he took a few wary steps away. "Mabel? Mabel!"

At first there was no response to his cries. Soon the trolls and their captive were also bewilderedly casting their gazes about too. They found Dipper's ambush partner high up in a nearby tree. Mabel Pines was casually twirling her trusty grappling hook in her hand as she lazed upon a hearty branch. She didn't seem to be any rush to swing into action.

"Mabel?" Dipper spotted her. "Mabel!"

Her eyes darted down and she replied almost lazily, "Hmmm?"

"Little help here would be nice!" Her agitated twin shot back.

"Little help with what?" She pretended to play ignorant.

"Oh I don't know….maybe with the whole plan that we came up with?" He testily replied. Mabel pretended to think it over.

"Hmmm…..you know, I'm not sure I actually want to go ahead with the plan."

"What?!" Her brother shouted.

"I dunno….would it be that bad of a thing if they took Pacifica?" She asked.

"WHAT?!" It was now Pacifica's turn to let out an involuntary yell. Her two hulking captors meanwhile just shot one another bewildered looks.

"What are they doing?" Asked one.

"No idea." Replied his equally confounded companion. Neither one seemed to know what to do. They were both stricken with bemusement as the family argument blazed up around them.

"What are you talking about?!" Dipper demanded.

"I'm just wondering. That's all. I mean, think about it…..if she was gone….." Mabel sat up straight and shot her brother an accusing glare. "Then maybe SOMEONE would start paying some attention to his family again!"

"What?" He exclaimed "What are you even-"

"Don't play stupid with me, mister!" She fired back. "I know all about what's been going on between you two!"

"Who?"

"Who do you think?" Mabel pointed to her brother, then to Pacifica. Dipper's eyes bulged wide. He seemed to physically wilt a little before he took a hard swallow.

"I….I don't know what you're talking about." He sputtered and passed Pacifica an anxious look. The heiress just stared back dumbly in shock. She had literally zero clue what in the world was happening.

"I _know_, Dipper." Mabel announced flatly.

"Know what?" Dipper jabbered. His sibling used her trusty grappling hook to lower herself to the forest floor.

"Hey, I told you not to play dumb with me!" Mabel hissed as she walked right by the trolls and marched up to her twin. "I saw the texts on your phone."

"Mabel what-" Pacifica tried to get in a word when the brunette angrily whirled around.

"Stay out of this! You'll get yours later!" She snapped, then turned back on her brother. "Fess up! I told you, know what's been going on!"

"Mabel, can….can we not talk about this right now?" Dipper pled. "We kind of have a situation here-"

"No! I'm not waiting one second! You're here, she's here, we're doing this right now!" Mabel insisted ferociously. Her sibling fidgeted like mad under her demanding stare. The enormous trolls started to shift and fidget too. This was getting painful to watch.

"Whatever you think it's….it's nothing!" He tried to explain. "We were just….uh….Pacifica were just talking about getting together for….uh, just to grab some coffee and catch up. That's all!"

"Uh huh. Right. 'Coffee.' Surrrrre." Mabel repeated with air quotes, then shook her head in disgust. "How could you, Dipper? How could you?"

"I-"

"How could you do this to your family?"

"I didn't-"

"How could you?!" Mabel stomped her foot and practically yelled.

"It's nothing! I swear!"

"LIAR!" His twin accused. "You've been seeing each other for a while, haven't you?"

"We what?!" Pacifica cried out. Dipper tugged his shirt collar.

"I….I….I-I…..-"

"Haven't you?!" Mabel cried, and her sibling cowered.

"I…..I….." He sounded like a broken record. Mabel sniffled and wiped beneath her glasses

"Just….how could you? How? Just how?" She demanded. "How could you do this to Wendy? How? She's loved you with everything she's had, given you everything, and this...th-this is how you repay her?"

"I-I still love her! I just….I've….." He fumbled in vain for an excuse.

"If you loved her, you wouldn't have been going behind her back like this! You…..you…." Mabel clench her fists and let out what sounded like a full-fledged sob. "You cheating, no-good, lousy, selfish-"

"Mabel please! I can explain!" He looked back to Pacifica. "_We_ can explain!"

"Explain what?!" She cried out, but was immediately ignored by the siblings. Mabel meanwhile had taken out her phone, and was now shoving a photo of her beloved baby niece in front of Dipper's face.

"Did you ever take at least one moment to think about your little girl? Huh? Did you?"

"I….I-I…." He started stuttering uncontrollably again.

"What about Phoebe? Now it's too late for her! Now no matter what happens she loses!" Mabel bemoaned. "If Wendy finds out about any of this, then that's it! No more happy family for an innocent baby who never did anything to anyone! And if Wendy doesn't find out, then Phoebe will spend her life looking up to a lying, two-timing now good-"

"Stop!" Dipper shamefully averted his eyes. "Mabel, stop! Stop!"

"Look at her!" Mabel cried. "Look at who you're hurting! Look at her! Look! At! HER!"

As the confrontation neared a climax, the two trolls shared anxious looks. This was just too much.

"...Okay, I am _not_ getting wrapped up in all this." Said one as he hurriedly passed off Pacifica to his companion like she was a hot potato.

"Me neither! Here!" The other relieved himself of the young woman as fast as he could by literally throwing her right into Dipper. The beast flinched as the two toppled to the forest floor in a heap. "Sorry! I didn't mean….uh….h-hope everything all works out!"

Together they made the ground quake beneath their enormous clawed feet as they both raced off from the drama as fast as their meaty tree-trunk legs could carry them, and two of swiftly vanished from sight. Mabel rushed over to where her friend and brother lay in a pile, and Pacifica's heart skipped a beat.

"Mabel, I swear I have no idea what Dipper's talking about-" She instantly started babbling like a broken tap. But Mabel now didn't seem to care about any of that. The completely dry-eyed woman was concern personified as she carefully righted the blonde back up onto her feet.

"You okay, Paci?" She started peppering her with questions. "Did they hurt you?"

"Uh….." Pacifica dumbfoundedly watched as her friend checked her over for any injuries. "I'm okay. they just picked me up and like….carried me around until...until like, you guys caught up."

Once she was positive she was unscathed, Mabel wiped her brow, gasped in relief and then proceeded to crunch her in a hug. "Whew! Glad you're A-OK! Sorry you had to deal with that. Usually the trolls like to stick in their caves up by the mountains and be stupid there. They really don't wander near town lot."

"Uh….good to know." She grimaced as the grateful squeeze tightened. Getting any sort embrace from Mabel was always like getting attacked by an affectionate boa constrictor. "M-Mabel! Mabel, I'm fine!"

Even as she wheezed out these words, the very, very confused young woman honestly didn't know whether she was telling the truth or not as she was eventually released.

"You okay, bro-bro?" Mabel darted over to her brother.

"Yeah, think so." Dipper winced as she hauled him up.

"You sure? It looked like you went down pretty hard back there."

Pacifica silently watched on and struggled to make sense of it all. It was like the whole spectacle that had been raging only a minute ago had never happened. Dipper had completely stopped being a cowering, shame-filled wreck. Mabel meanwhile didn't look angry in the slightest as she relentlessly fussed over her brother.

"Whoa!" She found a fresh cut on his arm from when he had been toppled over.

"Oh, yikes." Dipper grimaced. The wound wasn't deep, but was oozing a decent amount of blood. "Guess I'm not okay."

"Probably a sharp rock or something." Mabel was already rustling through her small bedazzled backpack. "Hold on, Mabel's gonna get you all cleaned up in a jiffy, just lemme find….huh….where's the….hey, you got the First Aid kit?"

"I thought you grabbed it…."

"Nope, I got it!" A tall evergreen rustled nearby. Pacifica received a minor start when the camouflage-clad Wendy swiftly clambered down to the ground, shook the leaves and twigs from her hair and joined the group.

"Hey, P. you okay?" She double-checked with Pacifica as she dug the kit from her bag.

"Uh, yeah. I'm good." The other woman replied softly. She glance at the crossbow strapped to the lumberjill and the full quiver slung over her shoulder and took a wary step back. "So...what were you doing up there?"

"Oh, I was plan B." Wendy replied casually before heading over to her husband.

"Thanks." Dipper said gratefully as she applied a bandage.

"After everything you've been up to behind my back, you better be." She shot him a mock-threatening glare. He playfully cowered in response, triggering a hearty chuckle out of her. The lanky woman planted a quick peck on his forehead and complimented, "Nice job back there, DiCaprio."

"Thanks, but I was only half the show." Dipper grinned at his twin.

"And Mabel Pines takes the Oscar for best supporting actress yet again!" Mabel gave a sweeping bow.

Thanks to the countless hurts she had fixed up over years for family and herself, Wendy speedily finished her spouse's bandage job. Once she was done she thoughtfully looked to rescued heiress and waved the First-Aid kit.

"Sure you're okay?" She asked again.

Pacifica took one look into the eyes of the famously tough-as-nails redhead and blurted out in a last attempt to set the honest record straight. "Look, Dipper and I didn't do _anything_! I seriously don't know what he or Mabel were talking about back there! I swear!"

Wendy erupted with a loud snort. As she shook with laughter she gestured for the anxious woman to calm down. "Chill, chill. It's cool, I know."

"So what just happened?" The exasperated woman spread her arms wide and demanded.

"Oooohh, sorry! Sorry!" Mabel was the first to finally realized nobody had filled in their rattled friend yet. She bounced on over to deliver a barrage of comforting hugs and reassuring pats on the back. "Sorry about it getting all weird back there. It was allllllll just part of the act to get you out of that mess. That's all!"

She was relieved, but still confusion incredibly confused. "Wait, so...an act for what?"

"It's kind of a new strategy we've been working on." Wendy replied.

"Strategy?" Pacifica repeated curiously.

"Yup! We just realized it super recently! It turns out that as long as you have some decent acting chops, then you can take care of all kinds of super creepy monster-guys with a good weirding-out, with only a fraction of the effort and barely any of the mess of an old-fashioned epic rock 'em, sock 'em fight!" Mabel bounced on her toes while she excitedly explained. She proudly pointed to her brother's minor injury. "Look here! This is nothing compared to how cray-cray things would have gotten if we tried to take those troll-y guys head on, right?"

Pacifica cocked her head as she tried to process this high-speed answer. "Uh….say that again?"

Dipper stepped in to clarify things. "Okay, so basically we just figured out that a lot of the nastier creatures around here will leave you alone pretty fast if you just make them uncomfortable enough…."


	73. Emergency

Dipper, his lumberjill wife and their baby were settled down in the Mystery Shack living room, lazing in front of a another comically atrocious B-movie courtesy of Gravity Falls Local TV. He sat with legs folded on the floor, Wendy lay comfortably stretched out in the old yellow armchair, and Phoebe gradually nodded off in her mother's lap. All in all it was a nice and peaceful summer afternoon and judging by the lack of racket in the house the same could probably be assumed for the rest of their clan.

Unfortunately, things could only remain so quiet and relaxed for the Pines before some sort of madness inevitably raised its head. Such was simply the way things tended to go for their family, and today abruptly proved to be no exception. Only a few minutes little the couple and their little one were almost spooked out of their skins when a piercing shriek blasted out from the attic bedroom.

"NO! HEY, NO! NO!"

Phoebe snapped wide awake with a startled squeak. As Wendy instinctively wrapped her arms around the baby, she and her husband could hear what sounded like a pit-pattering stampede of little footsteps outside trailing all the way down the roof.

"NOOO!" Another earsplitting yell from Mabel rang out. "GET BACK HEEEEEERRE!"

Dipper and Wendy had barely just scrambled to their feet when a of pair elderly twins hurriedly rushed onto the scene from opposite ends of the Shack with record speed. Stan immediately bent over to nurse his aching knees.

"Ow." He grunted. "Gonna feel that for a week."

"Dude! Dudes! Duuuudes!" Soos heaved for breath as he arrived. "Is everything okay?"

"What happened?" Ford asked.

"No clue!" Wendy's muscles were tensed tight as a drawn bowstring as she protectively clutched her daughter close. Dipper meanwhile charged off to check on his twin.

"Mabel? Mabel what hap-" He almost collided head-on with his sister in the front hallway after she came charging down the staircase. Mabel Pines looked ready to take on a small army by herself with the eclectic array of weaponry that she had assembled. She had her trusty grappling hook, her sister-in-law's hatchet and her twin's magnet gun all stuck into a belt strapped over her shoulder, along with other odds and ends. When she saw that her great uncle Ford had brought his stun glove with him to investigate all the racket, she snatched it away just before he could finish slipping it on and added it to her arsenal.

"Mabel!" The old man cried out in surprise.

"Sorry Grunkle Ford but I'll probably need it!" She apologetically jabbered in just one breath.

"What's going on?" Dipper asked.

"GOBLINS!" She gasped. "Got inside! Into the attic! I walked in, saw them, but….b-but they got away!"

Although not exactly pleasant to deal with, normally the local goblins really weren't that big of a problem, especially compared to many of the other peculiar creatures that lived in the area. The one thing that made them an annoyance was their love of occasional thievery, and that mainly consisted of nabbing odds and ends from campsites. However, every now and then they would get bold and attempt to raid a house near the outskirts of town, like, the last time they had tangled with the Mystery Shack clan several years ago when they temporarily absconded with Soos's engagement ring right on the very day that he planned to propose to his now-wife. However, judging by the look of complete and utter panic now stamped all over Mabel's face it looked like the family had just been hit by far worse than a mere bothersome nab-and-run.

"Wait, what? Got away with what?" Her brother demanded worriedly.

"Got into the room….tried to stop them….but...couldn't…they got out the window before….a-and now….." The young woman was in such a frantic hurry that she could only breathlessly sputter out a few words before she wormed her way around her twin. Moving like the wind, she then hurled herself out the door and started determinedly sprinting towards the woods at top speed.

"Wait, Mabel! MABEL!" Dipper called after her. "What are you-"

"No time to stick around! Gotta go! I gotta go get them back!" She yelled, and a heartbeat later she had vanished off into the forest. When the meaning of her words hit everyone a few moments later with the force of an eighteen wheeler, the entire family exploded with panic.

"They took the twins?!" Wendy exclaimed.

"No! NO!" Dipper cried in dismay.

"But...that can't be!" Ford was incredulous. "I've studied them for years! They steal, but they don't ever kidnap! I've never seen even come close to trying it!"

"Didn't you hear her right now?" Stan snapped. "She literally just told us she needs to get them back! They got the kids! They got the freakin' kids!"

"What's going on?!" Another voice called from faintly inside the Shack and added to the massive clamor.

"The twins! They're gone!" Soos shouted back. He then looked at Dipper and the Stans and then hastily clarified, "The littlest ones!"

"Wait, WHAT?" Melody involuntary shouted.

"Yeah! Some goblins got into the Shack and totally took Gladys and Finn!"

"What, but...no!" She protested. "They couldn't! They didn't!"

"It totally just happened! Mabel saw them do it!" Soos replied. "She just went to go get them!"

"No, she couldn't have!" Melody's reply was followed by a rumble of footsteps up the basement stairs.

"I just don't understand why…." Ford wracked his brain.

"What's to understand? It's not like it's the first time someone's done anything like this!" Stan pointed out. "Yeesh! What is it with freaks comin' out of the woods and kidnapping around here? It's like everyone has a reason to try it!"

"How soon can you be ready to go?" Dipper and Wendy meanwhile were already preparing to head out as the second wave rescue team.

"Two minutes tops-" The lumberjill estimated before she, along with everyone else, was abruptly stricken dumb with shock when Melody breathlessly stumbled into the front hallway. Tucked under each of her chubby arms was a slightly dusty four-year-old, both of whom looked very confused.

"What happened?" Finn demanded curiously. "Why's everybody all yelly?"

His sibling looked around at all the assembled family and quickly realized who was missing here. "Where's Mommy?"

"Oh, man! Corn Chip, how..." An astonished Soos rubbed his eyes before getting a closer look at the little ones. "How'd you got them back already?"

"Huh? I didn't get them back from anyone!" Melody shook her head.

"But...Mabel just said..." Her husband examined the kids again, then confusedly glanced outside.

"If that's what you heard her say, then I have zero idea what she was talking about. The kids have been with me for like, at least the last half-hour." She explained. "They were helping me clean up in the basement, and-"

"Whoa, hold on!" Stan gestured sharply as he tried to wrap his head around these revelation. "So if the kids are okay….then just what the heck is Mabel doing?"

"I'm finding out!" And with this declaration, Dipper zoomed out the door to go investigate. Wendy handed Phoebe off to Soos.

"We'll be back soon!" She promised, gave her baby a quick pat on the head and took off after her husband. It wasn't long until she caught up, and soon the two of them were surging headlong through the woods together.

"Mabel?!" Dipper called at the top of his lungs. "Mabel!"

"Hey! Hey, Mabes!" Wendy yelled between panting breaths.

"Mabel! Mabel! Mabel!"

"Maaaaabelllll!"

The lumberjill assumed that Dipper remembered how get to the grove of gnarled, knobbly trees that the goblins called home. As a result she was taken by surprise when he suddenly stumbled to a halt.

"What's wrong?" She panted. He cast a look around the thick forest that surrounded them on all sides.

"Is this the right way?" Not only had it been a few years, but so far there had been no sign of his sister or the thieving goblins so far. Now Dipper couldn't help but start to second-guess himself a little. Thankfully this was one of those moments where the couple complemented one another exceptionally well, and Wendy immediately took the lead.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Wait, hold on." She began hunting around for trail clues. But before the experienced tracker could even do a full ten seconds of searching, suddenly they heard a faint but instantly recognizable cry off in the distance. Their heads jerked upright as they looked to one another.

"MABEL!" They shouted in panicked unison. Another bloodcurdling scream rang out. It almost sounded as if the bubbly woman they both knew and loved had transformed into a banshee. The two sprinted off without wasting a moment more.

"We're coming, Mabes!" Wendy cried.

"Just hold on!" Dipper's heart skipped a beat as they heard his sister let out another screeching battle-cry.

Whatever fears they had churning in their guts proved to be surprisingly short lived. A squat greenish-orange blur tore out from behind some bushes up ahead and proceeded to run right by them in the exact opposite direction. It was followed soon by another, and another, and then another. Soon there was a steady trickle of pug-nosed little monsters, all of whom were gibbering in unmistakable terror while they raced for their lives.

"Run! Runnn!"

"Outta my way!"

"No, you getta outta my way!"

"C'mon, let's GO!"

Before Dipper and Wendy knew it they were suddenly running against an enormous tide of goblins fleeing as fast their two-toed feet could physically carry them. Many of them bore fresh bruises on their fat little bodies, quite a few had black eyes, and some ran with a noticeable limp. None of them paid any attention to the pair of humans whatsoever; every single one of them were focused single-mindedly on escape. While they continued their mass retreat, Mabel's vengeful screams grew louder and louder as her twin and sister-in-law drew nearer.

"We're coming, Mabel!" Dipper called out. "Hold on!"

But no sooner had he shouted to his sister when the fury-filled cries abruptly stopped. A few more battered and panic-stricken goblins stumbled by, and once the sorry-looking creatures had fled out of earshot the woods suddenly became unsettlingly quiet.

"Mabel?" Dipper called worriedly. Wendy found herself suddenly trailing behind as her anxious husband immediately picked up the pace. Mabel!?"

"Oh, hey bro-bro! Hey, Wen-Wen!" A familiar figure stumbled into view. Mabel was flush-faced, soaked with sweat, and a decent amount of scratches and fresh little bite covered her arms and left tears in her sweater and jeans. But in the grand scheme of things these minor hurts were literally nothing compared to the fact that she had just routed an entire goblin tribe completely on her own. Plus, she definitely didn't seem to mind the injuries in the slightest, as was evidenced by the toothy smile that she jubilantly wore.

"What happened?!" Wendy demanded as soon as they reached her.

"It's okay!" Dipper immediately blurted out a reassurance. "Mabel, the kids are okay! They were never taken!"

"What?" Mabel shot him a quizzical look, then started giggling uproariously.

"Uh….Mabel?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"Just what are you talking about?" She laughed.

"Uh, the…..the twins?" Dipper answered confusedly. "Finn and Gladys are fine. They were-"

"With their Aunt Melly in the Shack basement, I know!" She finished. "They asked me if they could go down there and help her!"

The others went dead silent for a few moments as they blankly stared at her. Dipper clutched hold of his head like he had just blown a couple mental fuses.

"So wait…." Wendy was trying her best to make heads or tails of any of this, and was failing miserably so far. "If you knew that the twins were totally fine, then….when you left the Shack, why'd you set you had to get-"

"Oh! Oooohhhh." When she finally caught on to what had happened, Mabel's face went aglow with a deep blush. "I...totally confused everyone like, a million percent, didn't I?"

"Yeah...yeah, you kinda did." Her sister-in-law affirmed bluntly.

"Whoopsies!" She tittered in embarrassment. "Sorry! That was entirely Mabel's bad. See what happened was..."

* * *

Back at the Mystery Shack, everyone waited around on the back porch. Soos anxiously played with the little twins in the grass, Melody restlessly rocked Phoebe in her cuddly arms, and the two Stans conversed with one another in hushed tones.

"I say we wait fifteen more minutes." Stan suggested.

"Fifteen more minutes and then what?" Ford asked.

"Go after the others, and we all show thieving little freaks what's what and not to mess with us anymore."

His brother immediately grimaced. When Stan shot him a quizzical look, he clarified, "Sorry, I...you know it's still very odd to hear you of all people get upset over someone stealing, don't you?"

"Oh for the love of….how many times am I going to have to go over this with you? _Someone else_ took something from _us._ Now if that's not one heckuva difference, I don't know what is-"

"Mama!" Phoebe instantly grabbed everyone's attention when spotted saw a flash of red appear among the surrounding woods. A pair of twins and a lumberjill plodded onto the property and were immediately surrounded.

"Dudes! Dudes!" Soos was the first one to make it over to them. "You okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine." Wendy chuckled as she took back her daughter, who practically leapt into her hold.

"Mommyyyyy!" Finn squeaked.

"Hi there, babies!" Mabel lovingly greeted her tykes.

"Are you okay?" Melody fussed over her scratched arms and ripped sweater.

"Yup! Don't worry, Mabel's A-OK!" She reassured with a double-thumbs up.

"Whydya go afteh the goblins, Mommy?" Gladys grasped onto her mother's leg. "What'd they do?"

"Mommy, did they take somethin' from us?" inquired Finn.

"Mabel, what in the world happened?" Ford asked.

"Yeah, what did those little jerks try to heist?" Stan added to the impatient racket.

Dipper had long since recovered from his earlier mental agony. Now he merely chortled as he glanced back to his twin. "You want me to tell them, or…."

"I got this." Mabel confidently announced. She reached into her sweater pouch and out came her two hard-earned prizes; a stuffed tyrannosaurus and a fluffy plush yellow duck. Her tiny twins gasped with surprise and immediately started bouncing up and down and stretching out their little arms as far as they could reach. Their mother enthusiastically handed them their favorite toys back, and while her children squeezed them tight to their little bodies she in turn knelt down and gathered her tykes in a gigantic bear hug.

"Ah." Ford said simply with an understanding nod.

"Okay, that makes sense." Soos proceeded to fully accept this without a second thought. Dipper was grinning uncontrollably at his ultra-dutiful twin sister. Melody meanwhile had burst out chuckling, but her laughter was drowned out by Wendy's hearty cackling.

"No one messes with our Mabes and gets away with it." She proclaimed.

"Yeah-huh! Nobody messes with Mama Mabes!" Mabel triumphantly agreed.

Stan found himself still feeling a little taken aback the whole thing. As he ruffled his great niece's hair he couldn't help but ask her, "Okay, not that I don't get it, but...yeesh! You seriously made it sound like…..like it was the end of the world or something earlier. Sweetie, didya really have to go so nuts about it?"

"What?" She gave an innocent shrug. "My hun-buns would've been super sad if they lost Rex and Mister Quackers…."


	74. Oh, Brother(s)

The young man cheerily whistled a tune from his favorite Icelandic pop band as he strolled out of the grocery store over to where his car sat parked by the curb. He was reveling in quite the good mood at the moment. After another long week spent enduring all the rigors of grad school, he had managed to make better time than usual on the long drive from northern California up into the small Oregon town of Gravity Falls, which allowed Dipper to make a quick stop by the Mystery Shack to see his great uncles. Afterwards he made this quick shopping trip to grab a few things for the homemade dinner he planned to make to kick off another happy weekend visiting with his girlfriend.

After loading his groceries in the back seat of his sedan, he crossed the street over to the Skull Fracture. Over the years Dipper had understandably taken great pains to avoid Gravity Falls' most rough-and-tumble bar. But this early Friday evening he was going to make a large exception. Earlier in the week he had received an email from one of Wendy's brothers asking him if he could join all the Corduroy boys for a quick drink after he got into town and before he headed over to Wendy's humble trailer home. He had replied back with a speedy and solid yes. It seemed like so far he had been making a pretty good impression on Wendy's clan ever since he had upgraded from their sister's best friend to newest boyfriend, and now he had a chance to ingratiate himself with her family a little further.

To say the least, it looked like everything was coming up Dipper today.

Even in the dim light inside the bar, he didn't need long until he spotted three burly redheaded young men. The trio were settled in the corner, with the oldest holding a beer and his underage younger siblings nursing glasses of some mean-looking apple cider. Dipper gave them a big grin as he made his way over, even as he had to maneuver around a mix of lumberjacks, bikers, and an array of other tattoo-covered and muscle-packed patrons.

"Hey, guys! How's it going?" He enthusiastically greeted them.

One of them motioned wordlessly to an empty seat. As soon as he settled himself down, three pairs of eyes locked onto him with intense stares that weren't exactly welcoming. The smile rapidly faded from Dipper's face. He began to get the strong suspicion that this wasn't going to be the quick and casual get-together that he had expected.

"So…..how have things been?"

"We got some things we want to tell you." The oldest of the Corduroys brusquely started things off.

"Um….yeah, sure." Dipper nodded politely. "I'm all ears."

"Now that you and Wendy are a thing, we want to make one thing clear to you." Warned the middle brother. Now Dipper was one hundred percent positive this was not the casual get-together that he had expected.

"Uh….and that is…."

"Don't try anything funny with our sister. Got it? Or else you'll have us to deal with." The oldest told him.

The threat was actually an immense relief for Dipper to hear. This whole intimidating show now made perfect sense. As a twin, he knew extremely well what it felt like to be protective over a sibling.

"Don't worry guys," He laughed. "I definitely won't."

"You think this is some kind of joke?" The youngest one snapped so fiercely that Dipper stopped dead in mid-chuckle.

"Uh….no, no, not at all. Look, I totally get what you guys are doing here, and I-"

"What, you think we're just messin' around here or something?" The oldest glowered.

"What? No!" He shook his head. "I wasn't going to say that all! No, total opposite! I was-"

"Listen." The middle one leaned over. Although he was younger, he still managed to dwarf the grad student in both height and bulk. "We don't want anything like a repeat of what happened with the last guy she went out with."

The others nodded in solid agreement.

"So no messing around with her, and no messing around behind her back." One of the them added. "Understand?"

"What? But….wait, but…." Dipper babbled. He was hopelessly unprepared to be met with with such a barrage of fierce suspicion.

"But what?"

"Guys, I get all this, but….you know I'd never try anything like that. I seriously wouldn't even think about it! You know me better than that!"

"Yeah...but do we?" The youngest cocked his head.

"What? Yes, you do! Seriously, I would never, ever do anything to hurt Wendy. Ever!" He proclaimed.

"How do we know you're not just saying that?" One of them asked.

"Yeah. The last guy also made her a bunch of promises." Another reminded. "And he sure as hell didn't keep any of them."

"I know, I know." Dipper nodded. "Trust me, I know alllll about that. But I'm telling you the truth right now."

"Are you?" One of the brothers distrustfully replied.

"Yes! I seriously would never do anything to hurt your sister." Dipper held up one hand and placed the other over his heart and vowed, "I swear."

Unfortunately he did not come off as sincere as he had hoped. They continued to bombard him with skeptical looks. Dipper could feel the nervous sweat start to drip down his back.

"Okay, just what do you want to hear from me?!" He blurted out in a fit of frustration. After a moment of surprise, their faces twisted into wary scowls. Dipper's heart sank plummeted into his chest when he realized his mistake.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Asked the middle brother with a threatening growl.

"Nothing! Wait no, I mean, it's not what you think. W-what I was trying to say was…" He sputtered. "What can I tell you to make you believe I won't do anything to Wendy?"

"You think we're stupid or something?" The oldest clenched his fist. Dipper swallowed hard. He couldn't keep afford to keep giving them any reasons for them to call his character into question like this. The very last thing he wanted to do was be on the wrong side of any of these three strapping lumberjack boys, much less the entire trio all at once.

"Wait, no! No, no, no, what I mean is….look, I'm not trying to figure out how to lie to you or anything. I just want to know what I can say to let you know that I'm telling the truth here. That's all! I'm serious when I say that wouldn't do anything to hurt Wendy! I love her! And she is literally one of the very last people I would ever want to see in any kind of pain! I literally have no idea how else to put it! You guys have to believe me here!"

They did not. Their sister's last epic breakup and left them all extremely distrustful of new boyfriends, to say the least. And few things were as potentially dangerous as a wary Corduroy. Dipper nervously drummed his fingers on the table. It didn't seem like he was going to be able to convince them anytime soon. It looked like desperate measures were needed here.

"Wow, look at the time!" He checked his phone and stood up. "I hate to cut a serious talk short, but really I need to get going. Wendy's going to expect me soon, and I don't want to make her wait for….."

"Hey! We're not finished here." Protested one of the brothers as they rose from their chairs.

"...I'll be happy to continue this conversation in the future! It was good seeing you guys!" Dipper kept on burbling as he backed away, then whirled around and beelined for the door.

He actually managed to just make it out the door and onto the sidewalk before several calloused hands grab hold of his scrawny body and yank him right back inside. The boys dragged him back to the table like he was a giant rag doll and dropped him back into his seat. He couldn't tell what was worse, this ordeal or the fact that literally nobody in the bar seemed to notice or care.

"We're not through here." The middle brother growled.

"Yeah, especially after that." The youngest narrowed his eyes. "What's your deal?"

Dipper winced. Well, it looked like he definitely hadn't done himself any favors. The desperate young man tried reasoning with them again. "Nothing! Will you please just believe me here?"

"You don't sound very believable." One of them accused.

"I have anxiety issues, okay?" Dipper freely admitted as he wiped the sweat on his forehead. "Look, I know things look kind of funny right now, but I promise I've done nothing but tell you the truth ever since I got in here, okay? You really just have to trust me when I tell you this. I could never, ever, ever hurt Wendy! I wouldn't even dream of it! I swear! I swear! C'mon, guys! I wouldn't! I couldn't!"

"You're going to have to do better than that." Said the oldest as he loomed menacingly over the table.

"...I...I seriously have no idea what I'm supposed to do right now." Dipper confessed.

"You-" The eldest Corduroy was cut off by a grunt of pain. The wiry young woman behind him arrived so suddenly that before anyone could realize that she was there she had already grabbed one of his beefy arms and twisted it around his back. He knew instantly who it was, even if he couldn't see he. After all, she used to do the exact same thing all the time when they were young and he or his brothers were getting particularly out of line.

"What is going on here?" Wendy demanded fiercely before she let her oldest brother go. All three of the burly young men wilted together under her steely emerald glare.

"What...w-what are you doing here, Wendy?" The youngest asked.

"I was just about to grab some things at the store when I got to watch you guys all drag Dipper back in here." Wendy cast her gaze around and asked again, "So is someone going to tell me what's happening here?!"

"We….uh….we were just…."

"We were only messin' around." The oldest instinctively attempted a lie to try and avoid her wrath. Wendy looked to Dipper for confirmation. Her visibly rattled boyfriend didn't say a word, but the anxious glance he passed her brawny brothers told her everything that she needed to know.

"What's happening here?" She didn't explicitly say it, but her tone and snarl told them loud and clear that they had one more chance to come clean before things got ugly.

"We just wanted to give him a...a warning." The middle brother broke the truth.

"...What?" She cocked an eyebrow.

"Yeah…since you two are a thing now, we wanted to let him know that he shouldn't…..you know, that he shouldn't mess with you or anything or like, try anything funny. Especially after that last guy."

"We just wanted to make sure you're okay." The oldest said with a meek smile.

Wendy was at a total loss for words. There was no denying the heartfelt concern that she could read in their guilty expressions. At the same time though, the fact that they had genuinely felt the need to do this in the very first place was absolutely unbelievable to her for one very, very simple reason.

"See, we just-" Another one of her brothers tried to explain.

"No, I get it, but….but this is _Dipper_ you're talking about!" Wendy pointed out to them.

"Yeah, but just in case-"

"But's this is Dipper!" She gestured to her boyfriend and repeated herself.

"Wendy, we-"

"It's DIPPER!" Wendy said again, making it very clear that as far as she was concerned, that was literally everything that they needed to know. Silence fell on her embarrassed siblings. They quickly began to get the unhappy feeling that they had been a little overzealous here.

"Uh...should we go now, or something?" One awkwardly asked. Their big sister grunted angrily, and they quickly took that as their cue to leave.

"See you guys…." The youngest braved a goodbye before they all meekly filed out of the rowdy bar. When they were gone, she took a couple heavy breaths to try and settle herself down before she dutifully checked on Dipper.

"You okay?"

"I-I...you know, I'm actually not sure." He answered honestly before looking up at the red-faced redhead. "Um, are you okay?"

Wendy took a seat beside her boyfriend, buried her face in her arms and let out a heavy groan. Dipper reached over to give her a gentle pat on the back.

"Okay, I'll take that as a 'not really'..."

* * *

"...No, you know what? Screw it, I am going to call him. This is totally something that…."

Wendy had been wound up tight as a drum ever since they had regrouped back at her trailer home. After bombarding her boyfriend with apologies, she had been arguing loudly with herself about phoning a certain local legend of a lumberjack to let him know what his boys just did. Wendy stared at her father's number in her contacts and gnawed her bottom lip as she thought it over. For the third time she changed her mind and pocketed her phone.

"Maybe not...I mean, the whole thing happened only because I was just such a huge mess when I moved back to town after I broke up with….but if they were worried, then shouldn't they have tried talking to me first instead of going full-on interrogation on you like that? They should have, right? Oh man, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. They only were looking after me, but..." Wendy stopped her ranting, tossed back her head and let out an aggravated sigh. "They just never think anything through! Like, ever!"

"It's okay. Really, don't worry about it." Dipper kept assuring her, just as he'd been doing steadily for the past few minutes. "I totally get what they were trying to go for. It was good intentions on their part, just….not so great planning."

"Good intentions, stupid idea." She huffed. As Wendy leaned up against a counter and watched him prep for dinner, she easily spotted the worry etched on his face. "Hey, you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm feeling better. Don't worry, I'm fine." He replied without making eye contact.

"You're definitely not." She called him out. Dipper stopped cutting tomatoes for the marinara sauce he was making. She pat his shoulder. "It's okay, I'm not going to let them pull anything like that off again."

"It's not that. It's actually…." He turned around, looked her in the eyes and warily asked, "Is there...is there anything that I did?"

Wendy raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"Like..." Dipper scratched a nervous itch on his arm. "Did I say something that came out wrong recently, or...or did I do anything that upset you and made them want to go and sit down with me like that, or...look, it's okay to tell me, I just-"

She burst out with some much-needed laughter as his infamous anxiety went on full ridiculous display. "No, dude. Like, not at all."

"You sure?" He checked.

"Honestly? You should see the way I've been lately. I seriously haven't been able to shut up about how great I have it with you." She confessed to him, and very shamelessly so.

"Really?" He brightened up.

"What do you think?" Wendy nodded and gave him an affectionate punch in the arm. "Trust me, you're more than good. My brothers were just being doofuses today, and that's it."

"Okay...uh, sorry. Just checking." Dipper sheepishly apologized as he rubbed his shoulder. Wendy snickered while she watched him fidget with lingering nervous energy.

"Does my guy need a hug?" She playfully asked. Before he could answer, she wrapped her arms around him. As she felt his tension-stricken body immediately started relax, she quickly answered her own question. "Oooh, yeah you definitely do."

A bright scarlet blush burned his face. He met her gaze and smiled wanly. "Much appreciated."

"Anytime." She grinned, and the two shared a quick kiss. Their moment together didn't get to last for very long before it was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Uuuhhh….Wendy?" A gruff voice timidly called out. With a roll of her eyes, she reluctantly let go of Dipper and went to go meet her visitors.

As to be expected, there were three embarrassed young lumberjacks waiting outside. Their big sister folded her arms, leaned against the doorway and silently waited for what she felt was rightfully due.

"We're….we're sorry."

"Yeah, sorry about all that."

"Sorry, Wendy."

"And what do you have to say to him?" Wendy nodded pointedly to the young man standing behind her. Without the slightest hesitation they all looked Dipper right in the eye and ruefully apologized.

"Sorry man"

"Our bad. Sorry."

"Sorry. We were only….I mean, you get it, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah I get it. It's okay. Soooo…..are we good now?" Dipper cautiously checked. The trio nodded sincerely.

"Yeah, we're good."

"Totally!"

"You're fine with us."

In unison all three turned hopefully to their sister. The moments ticked by as they waited with anxious anticipation. A small grin flittered across her face.

"Okay, we're good too." She forgave them, and they all lit up.

"Thanks, Wendy!" Her oldest brother said gratefully.

"And thanks for being so cool about this, Dipper." Said the youngest.

"We actually brought you something." Announced the middle brother. "You know, since we went so crazy on you earlier."

"Really? Oh wow, thanks! But you guys didn't have to got and get…me…..uhhh…." Dipper followed their pointing fingers and trailed off. For a moments all he could do was stare at the large, lifeless lump that had been securely roped to the top of his car and was now making the entire vehicle sag a little under its weight. "Uh...wow."

All three of the redheaded young men swelled with pride. Not one of them so far had noticed the way their sister's jaw had dropped.

"You like it?" One of them asked.

Um..." Dipper scratched his head before he awkwardly inquired, "Where'd you get that so fast?"

"Oh, we got a friend who works for the sanitation department in town." Another explained. "He always give us a heads up whenever someone hits a beauty like that and it's left pretty much intact, just in case we want it."

"Yeah, he called right after we left you guys. And this one's all yours, man! Pelt, meat, antlers, the whole thing, all of it totally fresh!"

"We even tied it up for you-"

It was at this point that a completely mortified Wendy found her voice again.

"But….but he's staying here the whole weekend!" She interrupted. "Do you actually think he wants an entire deer sitting on his car until Sunday?!"

After their older sister pointed this out, the overenthusiastic young men went quiet. Between this observation and the look on her face, it didn't take that long until they collectively realized that they may have gone a little overboard for the second time that day.

"You know...maybe we should just take it home." The middle brother decided.

"Yeah, that's probably better. Dad can cut it up into some steaks that we can drop off for you later." Said the oldest.

"Sound good to you?" The youngest asked. Wendy nodded wordlessly, then promptly retreated into her home with a long, loud groan.

"Um...yeah, sounds good." Dipper affirmed. He watched as the boys went to go reclaim the apology gift. After the assembled Corduroys loaded what used to be a deer into the back of the oldest's brother's truck and drove on off, he headed back inside where he found Wendy slumped on her sofa.

"Hey, it's okay. Totally good intentions, just….not so great planning." He tried to comfort her. She just shut her eyes and grumbled something under her breath. Dipper sat down besides her, then gently asked, "Do you...need a hug?"

Immediately she flopped against him. As he wrapped his noodle arms wrapped around her she gratefully curled close. After she had taken deep shelter inside his embrace Wendy glanced up and grinned weakly. "Thanks."

"Anytime." He said while he made himself comfortable. Dinner could wait for later. For now he was staying put right there for as long as she needed it. "It's okay, I know they mean well."

"I know, I know..." His girlfriend sighed. "Hey, Dipper?"

"Yeah?"

"Have I ever told you that I feel like you lucked out pretty hard in the sibling lottery?" She murmured partially into his chest.

"...A couple times, actually, yeah." He gently reminded her.

"You know what?" The exasperated lumberjill decided. "Don't care, here it comes again…."


	75. Odds and Ends - 8

And here we go again! Time to jump around the AU timeline a little with another collection of shorts. As usual, hope you enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

**_"A Trip Downtown"_ **

The lumberjill tapped her booted foot on the floor as she watched officers bustle about everywhere. Things were so hectically noisy in the station that she couldn't make out what anyone around her was saying. To pass the time she tried reading the lips of a few to see if she could at least figure out what one or two people here were up to.

While she distracted herself she tried her best to ignore the relentlessly growing ache in her lower back. She'd been sitting there for almost an hour, and the hard plastic chair beneath her wiry body was absolutely killing her. Shifting seats however, was currently completely out of the question.

"Miss Corduroy?"

She whipped her head around to met the gaze of a stocky Hispanic officer. Her gut anxiously tightened up.

"Yeah?" Wendy replied warily.

"We've been able to corroborate your story." The officer announced, much to the redhead's intense relief. A part of her wanted to fire off a jubilant "I told you so," but she quickly repressed that impulse. She had already mouthed off a fair amount earlier at the very start of this whole ordeal, and that had done her approximately zero favors.

"Oh! Oh, awesome. Okay, so….do I like, need to stick around here for anything, or-"

"No. You're free to go." She leaned over, and with a flick of a key she undid the handcuffs that had anchored the younger woman's wrist to the uncomfortable seat.

"Thanks." Wendy said with a humble nod.

"Please try and use some better judgement next time." The officer sounded very annoyed as she chastened the lumberjill, and Wendy couldn't blame her in the least. If she had to make a quick arrest and release for an incident as absurd as this, then she figured she probably wouldn't be in a very good mood either.

"Definitely. Will do." She speedily agreed. Wendy was then guided out through a nearby door and pointed towards the exit. It was then only a short walk to the front entrance of the building, where she found a scrawny twig of young man pacing back and forth. Her cheeks instantly went flush. There was no question whether this was going to be awkward or not, so there was no sense in reluctantly dawdling. She took a breath and called, "Dipper!"

Dipper stopped dead in his tracks. He looked up, then immediately transformed into a human blur as he zoomed right on over to her.

"WENDY!" He immediately started to fuss. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine! Don't worry, I'm good!" She reassured.

"Are you sure?" Dipper worriedly double-checked.

"I'm good, I'm good. Did you have to pay anything, or-"

"No, no, we're all in the clear. I mostly just had to show them bunch of pictures on my phone so they could see how…."

As the young man explained the process he had to go through to get her out, Wendy quickly noticed the bags under his tired eyes. The were so dark and heavy that they were literally impossible for her to ignore. He looked even worse than he did the last time they had spoken over video chat. Once she took this into account with where they were at that moment, she instantly cracked right up.

"Wendy?" Dipper had no idea what was going on right now.

"Just realized today hasn't been a total bust." She snickered.

"What?"

"Yeah. I mean, just look around. I got you out of the library, didn't I?"

Dipper needed a moment to process. It had been a long week, and the last hour in particular had been quite taxing on his already exhausted brain. But after it sank in, a small smiled flittered across his face, and a hoarse chuckle quickly followed.

"That's….yeah, that's one way to do it." He conceded.

While she continue to snigger, Wendy apologetically shrugged. "But seriously, I'm really sorry about all this. This definitely wasn't the kind of surprise I had in mind for today."

"You know," Dipper's grateful grin continued to spread. "I'm still pretty glad to see you anyway."

"I knew you would." She smiled and cracked at her grad student boyfriend. The couple shared a tight hug. After they had almost lovingly crushed the air out of one another they left the precinct, walking hand in hand.

"You really didn't have to come all the way down here like this." Dipper affectionately protested.

"Dude, you've been totally stressing out like hell all week. What else was I supposed to do?" She replied incredulously. Now it was his turn to go crimson-cheeked.

"Thanks." He murmured.

"Hey, I gotta take care of my dork." She smirked and pecked him on his reddening cheek.

"So...can I ask what you had in mind if all went according to plan?" He inquired curiously.

"A double-pepperoni anchovy pizza and a total crapfest of a movie all ready to go." She revealed. A very touched Dipper lovingly squeezed her hand, and she happily replied in kind. But while he was officially looking forward to the weekend ahead far, far more than he had been just a mere two hours before, he also now felt like he needed to settle a certain matter with his girlfriend sooner rather than later.

"If it's okay, I just wanna say one thing." The young man gently requested.

"What's that?"

"I'm not saying I don't appreciate any of this or anything." He qualified. "I definitely do, but...next time you want to do a surprise visit, could you try and find me on campus first, or something? I mean, I totally get it. Yeah, it would have been nice to find you waiting for me in my apartment, but I-"

"Trust me, I already know." The lumberjill erupted with fresh laughter as her face reddened again with a vengeance. "Oh man, I honestly don't know what I was thinking anymore. Trying to get in through the window like that? Yeah, definitely not one of my best ideas…."

* * *

**_"Mixed Up"_**

"_Thbbbbbt_!" Mabel stuck out her tongue as she made herself go crosseyed. Her baby son's laughter egged his mother on to contort her face into even sillier and sillier expressions. As he squealed he started waving his chubby little arms so furiously that nearly knocked her glasses right off of her face. She pulled her child back, giggled and lovingly booped noses with him.

"Whoopsie! You gotta be careful, hun-bun. Mommy needs those to help her see. Plus, you don't wanna confuse her with your Uncle Dipdop, do you? Nope, no you don't!"

Even though she had only been joking at her baby, her playful words still managed to get her brother ruminating. With a mind like his, it never took much to get Dipper's mind going. Mabel glanced to the young man sitting next to her on the old weather-battered sofa on the Mystery Shack Porch and spotted the familiar faraway look in his eyes.

"Hey, whatcha thinkin' about?"

"Huh?" He snapped out of it.

"Penny for your thoughts!" She sang.

"It's nothing. Just kind of...just wondering. When you told Finn how he might get confused, and I was thinking about what would happen if you and I maybe tried to...you know, maybe if we switched-"

"Ooooh, yeah! That's a pretty good question, bro-bro!" It didn't take long at all until his identical twin sister was on the same mental wavelength as him. A curious look spread across her dimpled face.

"So, you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked. His twin settled her son on her lap and grinned excitedly.

"Mabel's definitely up for a little experiment if you are!" She replied. In short order Mabel took her glasses off and undid her bandana from her hair. Dipper in turn removed his pine tree cap and they then proceeded to trade off with one another. He awkwardly positioned the bandana on top of his head and fixed her glasses onto his face, while she tucked her longish brown locks away beneath her twin's hat. Once they were finished, Mabel picked her baby back up and repositioned him so he could have a good look at the two of them.

"Okay, it's test time for Mommy's little gentlemen! Who's who now?" She laughingly asked.

At first, Finn just happily gurgled at her smiling face. The second he passed a glimpse over to his uncle though, he immediately stopped and stared. His little arms went limp by his sides. They could practically see the gears of his undeveloped mind whirl away as he tried to process the sight in front of him.

"Awww, look!" Mabel giggled. "Littler harder to tell the difference now, huh hun-bun?"

That was definitely an understatement. Finn's little eyes bugged out hard, his face crumpled up, and within moment he had become so panicked that he was on the verge of bawling.

"Uh oh." Every single muscle in Dipper's body tensed with horror. "Mabel? Mabel! Mabel!"

"Oh no! No, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay! It's okay, honey!" Mabel placed his little head against her shoulder. Now that the baffling sight was gone, his mother's scent and voice quickly relaxed him again.

"Okay, new rule: we never try anything like that again, ever." Dipper couldn't have possibly looked or sounded any guiltier as he pat his nephew's back and made his firm declaration.

"Oh, he's fine." She was far cheerier about the whole thing, as was to be expected. "He just got all jumbled up. Give the babies just a another month or two, and they'll probably never, ever get confused between their mommy or Uncle Dipper again, even if we switch a few thingies around. We have way too much major stuff we can't trade off, like our voices, my girls, your scruffy chin rug there…."

"OW!" Dipper let out a yelp when she gave his short-cropped goatee a tug.

"Whoops! Too hard?"

"Too hard."

It was at that point that they were joined by company. Soos waddled out of the Shack while lovingly cradling his honorary "niece" in his pillowy arms.

"All right, fresh and ready to go!" The roly-poly man cooed to Gladys Wendy Pines. "You had one crazy disaster of a diaper, didn't you Lil' Hambone? Don't worry, your Uncle Soos never met or made a mess that he couldn't handle like a total boss. I….whoa…..oh, whoa. Oh, whooaaaa..."

He took one look at the older twins and halted dead in his tracks. Soos gawked at them in for a solid ten seconds of pure confusion-stricken silence.

"Uh, Soos?" Dipper raised Mabel's glasses so he could better see their friend's painfully baffled expression. "You okay?"

"Dudes….please tell me who's who right now." He made a desperate plea. "Because I think I'm about to freak out so bad that it's gonna get weird, fast…"

* * *

**_"Lovingly Obsessed"_**

Before his daughter officially entered the world, Dipper experienced considerable concern that his little niece and nephew would wind up jealous from all the attention that the new baby would get. At first, Wendy would just gently tell him to knock it off whenever this particular anxiety reared its head. But as her pregnancy progressed further and further she was surprised to find herself increasingly wrestling with identical concerns, especially in her third trimester. It was pretty hard not to worry at least a little. After all, she and her husband had helped lovingly raise and care for the little twins since literally the very start. When they finally broached the subject with Mabel, brunette personification of optimism just told them to stop being sillies and that everything would be fine.

After Phoebe finally arrived, it turned out they were all oddly right. They had ended up having to contend with some jealousy from Finn and Gladys, but it was a different kind of envy that was unexpected, yet simultaneously not at all surprising in the least.

"...Okay, time to hit the trail." Wendy announced as another afternoon hanging around at her sister-in-law's drew to her close. While she set Phoebe into her detachable car seat, she noticed the heavy frowns that her nephew and niece were now sporting. She immediately started to chuckle. It looked like once again, leaving Mabel's house was going to be a bit of an ordeal, as had become the new routine.

"Do you really gotta go now?" Finn protested.

"Afraid so, buddy." Dipper ruffled the little boy's hair.

"But can't you stay a little longer?" He tried to bargain

"It's okay, kiddo." Wendy assured. "You'll see us again soon enough."

Gladys, normally an unstoppable force of glee and natural cheer in her own right, was currently in rare form. She folded her little arms and huffed at the stinging injustice of it all.

"But….but it's not faih!" she piped up. "Youah keepin' Phoebe all to youahselves!"

Wendy's chortling escalated into hearty giggles. Mabel chimed in with a giggle-flurry as she knelt down and comforted her little girl.

"You little nut! Now you know your Uncle Dipper and Aunt Wenny aren't being selfish meanies or anything. They're just being a mommy and daddy, that's all! It's time to take Fee-Fee home to feed her and put her down for night-nights, and now they're taking her home!"

"I knoowww." Gladys whimpered apologetically. "But…..but we don't want Phoebe to go yet!"

"Can she stay here a little longer? Pleeease?" Finn asked. "Just a little!"

"Pleeeeeeease?" Gladys cast a hopeful look around at all the assembled adults. "Please?!"

"Just a little longer, Mommy!"

Phoebe let out a squeaky yawn,. In a heartbeat her cousins' attention completely shifted as they intently huddled around her. The baby's curious emerald stare met their adoring chocolate-brown gazes.

"She sounds lika a rubber ducky!" Finn laughed delightedly.

"Sleepy baby!" Gladys cooed as she gently stroked Phoebe's head.

"Okay sweeties, I know you want to hang out with your cousin a little more, but you-oops!" Mabel slapped her forehead.

"What's wrong?" Asked Dipper.

"Your cookies! I almost forgot! Hold on, be back in just a jiffy!" She bounced off into her kitchen and fetch some of the double-chocolate chip treats the family had baked earlier evening. Meanwhile her four-year-olds continued to lavish attention on the newest addition to the Pines' clan.

"Can you stay a little longeh? Pleeeeease?" Gladys asked without removing her gaze from her cousin for even a second. Wendy kept snickering uncontrollably at the sight that the two cut.

"You really want her to stay? Okay, fine." She chuckled as she turned around to take her jacket from her husband. "You guys can keep her here for tonight. Just as long as you're willing to feed her, change her diapers, give her a bath, and make sure she's asleep by-"

"Whoa, what the?!" Dipper exclaimed in alarm. His wife spun back around and together the couple gazed upon a freshly emptied seat. Their nephew and niece had worked with amazing speed, and now there wasn't a single child to be seen anywhere in the vicinity. It appeared that the little twins had enthusiastically interpreted their aunt's playful words as an open invitation.

"Thank yoooou!" A gleeful squeak echoed out from somewhere in the little house.

"Aw…..crap." The lumberjill groaned. Mabel speedily returned with a ziploc bag of home-baked treats.

"Everything okay?" She immediately answered her own question when she noticed the sudden lack of tykes in the room. "Uh oh."

"I was joking around and told them they could keep the baby here." Wendy explained.

"Ooohh...yeah, you definitely shouldn't have done that." Mabel said matter-of-factly.

"I can kinda see that."

"Uh...any idea where they took Phoebe?" Dipper asked anxiously.

"Hold on, back in another jiffy!" The young woman sang before she zipped off. Her sister-in-law and twin had literally no idea idea where she went. All they know was that when she successfully returned a few minutes later with all three little ones, everyone was looking noticeably dustier than before. Mabel handed off her niece to her sibling then gazed down at her kids and asked gently but firmly, "Okay, now what do we say?"

Finn shuffled his feet and chirped guiltily, "Sorry."

"Weah sowwy." Gladys apologetically hugged her uncle's leg. "Sowwy."

"It's okay guys." Dipper quickly forgave them. It was impossible to be upset at them merely for loving family too much. After doing a quick check n the baby the baby, Wendy knelt down and drew the two four-year-olds close for a squeeze.

"Don't worry, it's cool. Chances are you'll probably see us like…." She thought it over and realistically estimated, "Like, tomorrow, probably."

"Yeah! Now doesn't that sound nice?" Mabel asked her tykes. After they both gave her assenting nods and weak smiles she flashed a toothy grin back at them. "See, there's no need to get upset! We'll be able to see Fee-Fee tomorrow, and then we'll probably see her pretty soon again after that, and then pretty soon after that, and then pretty soon after that! Now that she's dong hanging out inside your Aunt Wenny and here with the rest of us, we've now all got our whoooole lives to hang out with each other. So there's no need to act like a couple of sillyheads. We can all definitely wait at least a day or two until the next time we-"

She would've given her children quite the nice lesson if Phoebe hadn't interrupted them with a sneeze. Mabel gasped, and a heartbeat later her face was adoringly hovering only a few inches away from the baby's.

"Uh….Mabel?" Dipper tried to grab his enraptured sister's attention as he watched her stare intently with utter glee stamped all over her face. "Mabel? Ma-"

Suddenly he found himself weighed down as his niece and nephew eagerly clambered up his sides to get a better look at their cousin.

"Mommy, she sneezes jus' lika kitten!" Gladys chirped ecstatically.

"More like a mini-kitten!" Her mother clenched her fists and gushingly replied.

"Hey, Mabel?" Dipper made another go at it. "Mabel? Mabel?"

"Yeah, bro-bro?" Mabel distractedly replied as she tickled the baby's little chin.

"So, you were just saying…." He nodded pointedly to the little twins that were now hanging onto his shoulders like a pair of koalas.

"Huh? Oh, yeah! Like I was saying, there's…uh...there's no….uuuhhhh…..hold on….um...you know what? I'll remember what I was gabbing about later. Anywaaaay….." She rubbed her hands and looked hopefully to her sister-in-law and twin. "So, just curious...you guys think you that might need Aunt Maymay to babysit anytime soon?"

* * *

**_"Mixed Up II"_**

"Mama? Mama! Mama?"

The little girl tugged upon the jean leg and called for her mother again and again. But the flannel-clad figure towering over her just gazed silently ahead without giving her even the slightest notice at all. There was no brief turn of the head, or even so much as a quick glance downwards.

"Mama?" She tried again, but nothing broke the straight, unblinking stare.

At first the tot was merely confused. But this confusion rapidly grew until it turned into alarm. This alarm in turn spread throughout her body until she started to feel the first pangs of panic.

"Mama? Mama!" Her calls started to grow more desperate. "Mama! Mama! Ma-"

"There you are!" A pair of arms swept her up off the floor.

For a few dizzying moments literally nothing in the world made any sense to Phoebe Pines. She had just pulled away from what she assumed was her mother, only to find herself freckled-face to freckled-face with what was undoubtedly her mother.

As the baby's little green eyes widened to the size of saucers, Wendy shook her head and gasped with relief. "What was that about? C'mon cute, I told you either stick next to me or let me hold onto you. I definitely didn't give you any third-"

The tot erupted with a baffled shriek that gave several nearby customers a massive start, and nearly made her lumberjill mother jump clean out of her skin.

"Whoa, whoa! What's with you?" No sooner had Wendy asked though when she noticed the way her little girl was now glancing confusedly back and forth. Phoebe kept looking from her pale-skinned, jeans and flannel-clad mother and back to the white plastic, jeans and flannel-clad female mannequin posing right next to them. To make things even stranger, the lifeless model had a crimson red wig adorning its molded head.

Once it became clear what what had just happened here, Wendy hugged her befuddled daughter close and whisked her out of the camping goods store as fast as she could.

"Okay then," She announced. "Looks like we're definitely not shopping in there for awhile…."


	76. Still Annoyed

This little piece comes to you all courtesy of a suggestion given to me by Ragecore09 not too long ago. Thanks so much for the inspiration, Ragecore!

And as usual, enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"...And so, with the evil ghost lady defeated and Dipper back in control of his own body, it was finally time for him and his best friend to finally tell each other the truth at long last; that they loved one another more than anything in the whole entire world. And as the two shared their very first kiss together, they knew right then and there in their hearts that they would never let themselves be apart from one another, eeeverrrr again! The End!"

Mabel's little audience cheered as her story reached its happy conclusion. Finn was so worked that he needed to hop off the Shack's porch and run around in a few circles. Gladys hugged her mother's leg and looked up with enormous chocolate brown eyes.

"Again! Again! Again!" The tyke pleaded. "Tell it again! Pleeeeease?"

"Yeah, tell it again, Mommy!" Her son rejoined them and energetically clambered right up into her lap. "Tell it again!"

"Okay, okay! Just settle down, hun-buns!" She laughed. The two sat themselves down at her feet and gave her their full attention.

"Twice in a row ain't enough for ya?" Stan playfully asked from where he sat slouched in his folding chair on the opposite end of the very crowded little porch.

"Noooo!" The little twins squeaked back at him in unison.

"To be totally fair to them, it's a pretty awesome story." Chuckled the redhead sitting between her sister-in-law and husband on the ancient weatherbeaten sofa. Wendy then gave Dipper a loving nudge and a wink.

"Okay!" Mabel drummed her hands on her thighs. "So where do you want Mommy to start from this time? When I found out that Uncle Dipper wasn't Uncle Dipper?"

"Back! Back!" Her son urged.

"So when Uncle Dipper and Aunt Wenny had their big fight?"

"No, start when the bad ghost got into Uncle Dipper!" Finn chirped, and his twin sister jumped immediately on board with him.

"Yeah! When the ladyghost got into him! Please, Mommy? Staht fom theah!"

"Oooohhh, it looks like we're making it super-duper-epic this time around!" Mabel laughed. Then without further ado she launched right into it with the same zeal that she did the first two times. "It allllll began when the brave group of cross-country investigators were sent deep into the forests of New England. Ford had told them to try and find the remains of an old witch coven that had lived in the area long, long, loooooong ago, and so they-"

It wasn't long until her children started peppering her with questions, as they usually did during story time. Finn was the first to pipe up. "Mommy? Whatsa a coven?"

Mabel smiled and booped his nose.

"I told you sillies already! It's like a club, but for witches." She patiently explained.

"Oh." He nodded understandingly, and his parent dramatically launched right back into her tale.

"But while they searched high and low, little did they realize that only a few miles away there lived an entire town full of people who had been worshipping the spellbook of a long-gone Polish sorcerer for hundreds of years. So as the brave explorers hunted around, it was only a matter of time before they found themselves in for one of the biggest surprises of their whooole entire lives-"

"Mommy? Mommy!" Gladys raised a little hand and waved it about. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Glad-Glad?"

"Why didn't Gwegunkle Fowd tell you 'bout the weiwd town?" She asked. Her great-great uncle in question chuckled.

"In retrospect, it was definitely a bit of an oversight on my part." Ford understated, then smiled at his twin. To his surprise, Stan did not respond at all in kind. His brother did however treat him to a long, incredulous stare.

"...A quick heads up." Stan griped sourly. "That was all you had to do."

"Excuse me?" Ford's grin vanished into a puzzled grimace.

"All you had to do was give them a measly heads up and tell them that there was literally a whole town crammed full of nutcases right next door to them." He continued to protest. "That's all you had to do to keep them from getting caught up in one big fat mess. And you didn't do it."

"What? Oh, come on now." The other elderly twin rolled his eyes with disbelief. "Don't tell me that you're genuinely still upset about all that."

"Sorry, but you better believe it." Stan confirmed before taking a draught of his fourth Pitt Cola of the evening.

"Look, I'll be the the first to admit that it was a considerably mistake of mine that set off that entire ordeal, but-" Ford tried to defend himself before he was caught up.

"Mistake? Ooooh, that was way more than just a mistake. That was one of the most boneheaded things that I've seen in my entire life."

"Stanley, please. Will you calm down?" The old scientist was starting to get annoyed.

"All you needed to do was give them one warning! That was it!" Stan stubbornly reiterated. "One measly little stinkin' warning!"

"Stanley-"

"All you had to do was say something like, 'And oh yeah, one more thing. That town nearby? It's completely full of weirdos, don't go in there.' There, done. That's all you needed to do."

"Stanely-"

"Y'see how long that took me? Not even five seconds. You just had to take less than five freakin' seconds, and they wouldn't have run into any trouble."

"Stanley, settle down! Really, this is uncalled for." Ford huffed. As the sibling spat continued to heat up, the others turned their attention away from story time. Even Finn and Gladys were now intently watching their gregrunkles. The bickering men were by far the most entertaining thing in earshot right now.

"Nuh-uh, I'd say this is totally called for. In case you forgot already Einstein, you're the big brains in this family! You can make an inter-dimensional gate, you figured out how to make a mind mind-control tie, you can build a new laser pistol from scratch in one morning before I can even get out of bed, but you couldn't figure out that you needed to give the kids one quick warning? Really?"

"Stanley, come on now!"

"You just needed to take one moment and think to yourself, 'Oh hey, they're gonna be wandering around near the home of some of the biggest wackos that I've ever met in my entire life. I should probably tell them about that.' But nooo-ooooo, instead you were all, 'They'll all be just fine! Definitely nothing bad can happen here!' Pfffft! I still can't believe it. How did you not-"

"For God's sake, just let it go already!" Demanded an increasingly irritated Ford.

"And just why should I?" Stan shot back.

"Because this is absurd! Despite everything that happened during that entire ordeal, I think it's pretty safe to say that it looks like everything turned out fine in the end." To help prove his point he then nodded to the redheaded baby curled up in Dipper's arms. Phoebe, oblivious to the argument raging nearby, snuffled squeakily in her sleep and wriggled closer to her father.

"Yeah, they all had a nice big happy ending...eventually. And to think, all the kids had to do to get there was deal with was a town-sized kidnapping, a curse from all those cult weirdos…"

"Stanley!"

"...Dipper basically losing his mind, a big group meltdown…."

"Will you cut it out already?"

"...A full-on possession, and also a manhunt, one right after the other! No big deal there!" Stan's tone oozed with sarcasm. "You would have saved everyone a heckuva lot of grief if you had just-"

"I'm not saying that there weren't some temporary repercussions, I'm simply stating simple fact here. That entire thing is over. It's been over. It's long been over. That was several years ago, Stanley. Everyone came out just fine from it almost as soon as the entire ordeal ended." Ford countered. His brother however refused to budge.

"Just a couple seconds." He grumbled frustratedly into his cola. "That's all you had to take, but somehow it didn't cross that big nerd brain at all. I just don't get it."

Once it was clear that he wasn't going to win his sibling over to his position anytime remotely soon, he decided to turn to the rest of their family for backup. He gestured to his twin, shook his head and remarked incredulously, "Can you honestly believe this?"

"Yes. Yes I absolutely can." Wendy didn't miss a beat with her answer. Ford's face fell. So much for reinforcements.

"Wendy, don't tell me…." He softly pled.

"Sorry Ford, but I'm not really the biggest fan of being taken prisoner by anyone. Possession kidnappings too." She replied as she stroked her daughter's head. "Soooo, yeah, definitely could have done without dealing with all that."

Stan gave the lumberjill a thankful nod. Ford looked desperately to their great niece and nephew. However, all he received from them was a pair of awkward looks.

"Oh, not you too." he implored.

"Uhhh….." Mabel scratched the back of her neck as she tried to think about how to phrase her feelings. "Welllll….."

"You have to admit," Dipper tried to put it gently. "A heads up wouldn't have taken a lot of time."

"Only a coupla seconds!" Finn chimed in. "Just hadta say, 'There's bad people there! Keep away!'"

"Gwegunkle Fowd, why didn't you tell ev'ybody?" Gladys asked as she hugged her stuffed duck tightly. She still didn't understand.

"Yeah, you acted like a big a sillyhead!" Said her twin.

"I think my little guy's got a point." Mabel smiled weakly while trying to put it as kindly as she could for her besieged great uncle.

"Oh for….." It was now pretty crystal to Ford that he had no allies here at all. He stood up with a huff. "I'm getting another soda."

The old man stomped off into the Shack. As he rooted through the fridge, he heard a small oink. He fished out a drink and noticed a small brown and pink pig sniffing by his ankles. Ford cast an annoyed look outside and immediately start to vent to Waddles IV.

"Can you believe that?" He vented to the little animal. "Can you? You miss telling them about one peculiar cultist community, just _one_, and they never let you live it down. Can you honestly believe that? I just don't even…"

The pig just gazed back quietly through his beady black eyes Waddles' silence allowed the elderly scientist to actually take a moment to reflect the words that just come out of his mouth. Ford's irritated frown began to slowly morph into an embarrassed grimace.

"Actually...you know, on second thought…." He realized out loud to his curly-tailed audience of one. "I'm beginning to see a little bit of merit in their grudge…."


	77. Pay Up

Here's something I've been playing around with and writing/rewriting it in bits and spurts for a while now ever since Jackie-Chaos-Wolf first tossed a suggestion to me a long ways back. Thank you so much, Jackie!

As usual, hope you all enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

The young man was surprised by the barrage of knocking that was suddenly unleashed against his front door. He immediately took a break from his coding, and as he left his computer he puzzled over who it could possibly be. His friends weren't the kind of people to drop by without at least a quick heads-up text, and he wasn't expecting any packages in the mail, or at least none that he could recall at the moment.

There was another bombardment of impatient knocking, and he picked up the pace. "Okay, hold on! I'm co-"

He opened up, took one brief glance at the familiar face standing on his front step, and as a startled curse tumbled off his lips he hastily tried to close the door.

Dipper Pines however was not going to be denied. He wedged his foot into the doorway just in time to keep from getting shut out. A brief struggle followed before the determined visitor grabbed hold of the door and pushed it open wide.

"Hey Mel." He breathlessly greeted his former brother-in-law with a piercing stare.

"Jesus, Dipper!" Mel gasped. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"You know why." The other young man declared. An awkward silence before an irritated reply flew back.

"Okay…..sooo, you wanna remind me then? Because I definitely don't remember you inviting you over for a couple beers."

"You know why I'm here." Dipper repeated. Mel groaned as he ran his fingers through his jet-black hair.

"No, I don't actually." He attempted to close the door. "So if you seriously drove over an hour out here just to say that over and over, then-"

"Stop it! Just stop it, alright?" Dipper wasn't in any mood for any performances.

"Stop what?"

"This whole act here." He gestured irritably. "Just stop it. If you honestly had no idea what was going on, then you wouldn't have panicked like that when you first saw me!"

"Yeah, right. Look, I don't think anyone would blame me for getting freaked out if my ex-wife's brother just showed up out of nowhere."

"You know why I'm here!" Dipper repeated.

"No, I don't! Just saying that isn't going to make it true-"

"The checks, Mel."

"Huh?"

"The checks." Dipper said again.

"What checks? Wait, you mean for Mabel?"

"Yes, the child support checks! What else?!" The twin cried as he hurled his noodle-arms up into the air. "She hasn't gotten anything from you in two months!"

"What? No way. I've definitely been mailing those out to her on time." He said defensively, but Dipper didn't buy this claim for a second.

"If that's true, then how come none of them have been showing up at Mabel's place for so long.

"What? I don't know! I'm not in charge of what happens to them after I stick them in the mailbox!" He said indignantly. "Look, just what's even happening here? Did Mabel tell you that this was going on?"

"No, she didn't."

"So just what makes you think this is actually going on in the first place?"

"I swung by her place for a quick visit. "Dipper explained. "I came inside just as she was finishing up leaving a message for you. She didn't know I was there until after she hung up and left the kitchen."

"Okaaaay….. so why would she keep something like this from you?" Mel grimaced suspiciously as he went on the offensive. "Aren't you two supposed to tell each other everything? I thought that was-"

"Because she doesn't want to bother anyone with this, that's why!" Dipper yelled.

"Huh? What does that even mean?"

Dipper was now clenching and unclenching his bony fists as he aggressively clarified, "It means she feels like she's needed us to help her too much already with the kids."

"What, did you get that out of her with twin telepathy or something? Or did you just happen to overhear her talking about that too?" Mel replied suspiciously.

"No, she's told me a couple times that she's felt a little bad about everything everyone's had to do for her." It wasn't easy for Dipper to try to clearly explain things to the very man who had run off in a frightened hurry and left his twin in need of her family's help in the first place. "That's why she's been trying to handle this on her own, and that's why yesterday I had to watch her say hi to me while trying to pretend that she wasn't about to cry!"

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Mel exclaimed incredulously. "You two are….okay look. If you ask me, chances are that the checks probably just sitting in a pile somewhere at her place. I mean, you definitely how how scatterbrained she can get-"

"She would never be that careless with them!" Dipper snapped.

"Look, I don't know what either of you think is going on here, but if something weird is up on my end, that's going to be news to me. All I know is that I've been paying up every month, and I haven't heard from Mabel at least-"

"No, you have heard from her! That was definitely you that she was leaving a message for." Dipper practically snarled. "And she also mentioned a text you sent promising that they were in the mail, but she still hadn't gotten any-"

"What text? I haven't sent her any messages lately. I haven't heard from Mabel about anything in like, forever!" Mel said defensively.

Dipper looked like he was about to burst with fury. But after a few deep breaths he calmed down a little, and looked at the other young man dead in the eyes.

"Alright…..let me see your phone."

"What? Wait, what?!"

"Prove it. Let's see your phone." He demanded flatly.

Mel shook his head. "Oh, Jesus. Look, I have no idea what's going on here, but I really don't need any of it, okay? Just because your sister's been having trouble keeping track of the mail doesn't mean you can-"

"It's okay, I got it. Just let me...ah! There we go." Someone announced from behind, giving him such a fright that his entire body jerked violently. He spun around and jolted again when he laid eyes on the two familiar old men right there inside his house, seated comfortably on his couch. One of the pair busily scrolled through the recently missed calls on a freshly-hacked phone. "Okay, let's see….one missed call from her from two days ago….and one from her three days before that….and another one two days before that…."

The young man went ashen. "Hey-"

"Check the messages." Dipper demanded. Ford quickly pulled them up as asked, and quickly located an ongoing text conversation of particular interest

"Take a look at this last one." He showed his sibling.

"'For the last time, I definitely sent them to you. Have you tried checking with anyone at the post-office yet?" Stan read the text out loud, then scowled darkly at his great niece's ex-husband. "So….you haven't heard from her at all lately, huh?"

"I...I-I..." Now that he found himself outnumbered three to one by a trio of annoyed-looking Pines, it suddenly became much harder to put on a convincing show. "I…."

"I've seen outhouses that are less full of crap than you, bucko." He accused.

"Wha….wait, what….how did you get in my…." The liar sputtered.

"Back door." Ford nodded pointedly. "My brother has a way around locks."

"What? But….but what…..just what the HELL are you doing here?!" Mel went arms and legs akimbo and hollered loudly at the top of his lungs. The elderly brothers however were completely unfazed by his display outrage. He wiled a little under the angry stares they threw right back at him.

"What do you think, genius?" Stan demanded gruffly.

"Dipper called and informed us about what's been happening." Ford succinctly summarized. "So we're here to help him fix all of that."

"Okay, okay, sooooo….yeah, maybe Mabel's been bugging me about this. But it's not my fault, Stan. I swear!" Mel sputtered an excuse at the old scientist. "It's probably just something weird with the mail, or-"

"Oh for cryin' out loud!" Stan rolled his eyes. "You still can't tell the difference?"

"Ford! Ford! Ford and Stan!" He hurriedly pointed to each one and correctly stated their names in turn before launching into a personal defense. Unfortunately for him, he could no longer find the strength to effectively pretend that he had no idea what they were talking about. So now his words poured out in a telltale frantic babble. "Look, this isn't my fault, I swear! Just because there's some mail problems or Mabel's lost track of some things doesn't mean you can just come all the way out here and, and just break in-"

With a creak of old bones Stan hauled himself up into his feet and signaled to his great nephew and twin that he was taking the lead for little awhile. He then interrupted the babble of frantic excuses with a very straightforward ultimatum. "Lemme make this nice and clear, okay? If you wanna save yourself some trouble, then you better do as we say right now."

"I would listen to him if I were you." Ford added.

Mel looked back and forth between the elderly siblings. To him, they had never been anything more than the mere co-manager of a rural tourist trap and a part-time science professor at Gravity Falls Community college who enjoyed tinkering down in his strange basement workshop. In other words, to him they had never been more than the pair of eclectic old men that his ex loved dearly (and who occasionally would abruptly pack up and go on odd trips around the country). But as he looked into their hard, piercing stares, he began to to get the unhappy feeling that there was a lot more to these two coots than he thought. A fiercer side of them seemed to be coming out in full force, and unfortunately he was on the receiving end of it.

"Or….or you'll do what?" he asked.

"You don't get to find out until it's too late." Stan warned.

"W-what?" He squeaked hoarsely.

"Okay, fine. If you really want a preview that badly…." The old man put his brass knuckles on display.

"But you….y-you can't do this! This is crazy!" The panicked deadbeat of a father yelled. "This is completely crazy! You can't break in here and, and threaten someone like this! Just because maybe Mabel can't find where she put the last few-"

Now Stan was really mad. Moving with stunning speed for his age, he nabbed the young man by the shirt and yanked him close.

"I'm only gonna say this once. Try and pass this off on Mabel again, and things are gonna get real ugly real fast." He growled. "Got it?"

Dipper and Ford hemmed him in from either side. Surrounded, Mel had no choice but button up with a wordless nod.

"You're a real piece of work, you know that?" Stan proceeded to tear into him. "You lucked out with literally one of the sweetest girls out there in the entire world. But then the second you needed to step to the plate and be an actual man, you let yourself spooked, went running right for the hills and broke her heart. Now lemme tell you, I've met a heckuva lot of shady characters over the years, and you better believe me when I say a lot. But I'm not lyin' when I say that you are probably one of biggest scumbags that I've met."

The old man gave him a shove, sending him stumbling back a few feet. "But lucky for you I'm already sick to death of looking at that face, so here's the deal. You get those late checks in the mailbox in the next five minutes, and then you promise us no more funny business. Then we get to leave, and as long as you keep sending that money to Mabel on time from here on out, then you don't see us again, and we don't have to see you again. No one brings this up to anyone, and everyone ends the day happy."

"But….b-but…."

"This is gonna be your only warning. Trust me, I do not wanna make the drive all the way down here again." Stan arched his sore back with a discomforted grunt. He then huffed incredulously. "Can't believe you were dumb enough to think that you could pull this off. Mail problems? Oh yeah, like everyone's really gonna fall for that. Nice thinking there, Einstein."

Mel abruptly went from cowed wreck to fury incarnate as his temper fired up with the force of an erupting volcano. This was outrageous. This was robbery. To him, this was just so horrifically unfair that it almost defied description. He couldn't stop himself from exploding with anger even if he tried.

"I-I shouldn't have to pay for those kids!" He burst. "I shouldn't have to pay for anything!"

"Hey-" Dipper tried to speak up before the furious failure of a father whirled on him.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this! We had just been married a couple months before they showed up! They were an accident! I shouldn't have to pay up again and again for an accident!"

Ford now stepped up and gave him a glare. "They're your children."

"I didn't plan on them!"

"This is quite literally the very least that you can do for them." The old man corrected very testily. "Not to mention that it's also a family court's orders too, but-"

"But this isn't fair!" He ranted. "They were mistakes! I shouldn't have to fork over my money just because of a couple-"

"You keep this up, and you lose your chance to do this the easy way." Stan warned. "Go take care of those checks, now."

"It's not fair!" Mel howled. He kept uncontrollably spewing frustration left and right. "I shouldn't have to pay for them! I shouldn't….."

Ford looked to his twin. "I believe he needs a little extra incentive to get going."

"Yeah, I think so too." Stan chuckled gleefully as he looked to Dipper. "Hey kid, could you-"

"On it." Dipper whistled loudly, and a leafy rustle replied back.

Mel turned and looked out his front door. A bush that he didn't recall ever being there before in front of the house stood up and marched up into his front steps to give him a death-glare. He let out a genuine scream as a camouflage-clad lumberjill stepped inside his house.

"You know, I could have sworn that I made myself pretty clear on this already." Wendy snarled. "Tell me, what part about that money always coming in on time, every time did you not get?"

For a few moments he was so scared that he couldn't even utter so much as a frightened peep. Roaring fires blazed in her emerald eyes as she stared him down.

"What's the matter? Don't have anything else to say?" She taunted. "It looked like you had a lot you wanted to talk about a couple seconds ago."

He remained as silent as a statue as she leaned in closer.

"Go on. Call the kids mistakes again. Do it." The angry aunt hissed with barely-controlled fury. "I dare you."

It soon became pretty clear she was ready to take any excuse she could get to deal out some retribution. When he regained the ability to speak a couple seconds later he very wisely whispered to her, "I-I'm sorry."

"Oh, you better be. You've already on my bad side pretty hard right now." Wendy understated. "I don't like deadbeats."

"Sorry." He squeaked again. After a few heart-pounding moments spent wilting under her stare, he worked up the courage to ask, "W-Wendy?" W-were you out there the….th-the whole time."

She nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Why….wh-why were you just….just hide like that?"

"To show you something." She enigmatically replied.

"...Show me what?"

"That if you ever try to pull anything like this again, then I come right back here and you literally will not. See. Me. Coming." She punctuated the last few words with several fierce jabs to his chest.

"Oh, almost forgot to mention. We agreed that if you got really out of hand here today, then gets first dibs on you. No limits." Stan announced. When Dipper and Ford shot him puzzled glances he explained, "Okay, I told her that she could."

A corpse-quiet Mel shot him a horrified look.

"What? I don't like you, and it would be fun to watch." The old man told him shamelessly. "It's not rocket science."

Wendy wore a most unsettling grin as she cracked her knuckles The deadbeat parent now just stood there, trembling uncontrollably. He probably would have remained with fright had not Ford stepped in and tapped him gently on the shoulder.

"Now then." He smiled encouragingly. "I believe you still have some important mail to take care of…."

* * *

"...You like messin' with that schnoz, don't ya squirt?" Stan laughed as Finn squeezed on his nose. "Yeah, go on ahead. I can handle it. Ha! That's some grip you got there. Haha-ow! Oh, that's a real heckuva-ow! Okay, time to let go….ow! Alright, that's enough for n-OW!"

"Someone's got a new favorite toy." Wendy cracked from the opposite side of the table while she too was turned into a walking playset. The baby girl in her lap eagerly snatched up handfuls of her long red hair.

"Boop!" Gladys let out a shrill squeak, and her lumberjill aunt cooly let her yank and tug as she pleased.

It was fairly crowded in the Shack's kitchen thanks to the annual influx of temporary summer residents who had all arrived just the day before. While the rest of the Pines sat and waited, they could all hear Mabel root about somewhere in another room.

"You need any help?" Dipper thoughtfully called.

"Nope! Gimme just a sec, I…..hold on….got it! Okay, heeerrrrre comes N extra-special dessert, courtesy of Mabel!"

"Couldn't you have just kept it in the kitchen?" Stan asked as his great-niece returned.

"Nope! Had to hide it somewhere extra-secret. I've underestimated my little gentleman here waaaaay too many times." She nodded down to her pet pig. Waddles IV oinked excitedly as he followed her all the way to the table, where she set down her from-scratch cake. As she clasped her hands and bounced on toes in anticipation, the others' attention immediately went to the gigantic THANK YOU that she had written in bright red frosting.

"Uh...no problem." After giving his brain a workout, Dipper looked to his twin and started to awkwardly ask question that was burning on everyone else's minds. "Thanks for wha-"

"Oh! Whop!" She laughed and slapped her palm against her forehead. "I can't believe I almost forgot! Hold on, back in a jiffy!"

She skipped out and returned with a second cake, upon which she had written AND THE BABIES THANK YOU TOO.

"That's nice, but….for what?" Dipper asked. Mabel reached into a sweater pocket. Out came a support check that hadn't been deposited yet, which she triumphantly waved about for everyone to see. Her brother chuckled weakly. "Oh….yeah. That."

"Well, look like we're busted." Wendy chuckled to her baby niece, who just continued aggressively playing with cascading locks of scarlet hair.

"Uh huh! And you know what else you guys are?" Mabel asked. Before anyone could answer she flung herself at her brother and gave him a fierce hug. "You're all the BEST! You're the best, you're the best, you're the besr! Oooh, thank you, thank you, thank yoooou! You've already done like a bazillion things for me and the babies already, and you still had no problem going and taking care of-"

"It's okay!" Dipper wheezed. After she released him, he started to nurse his aching neck and genuinely reassured her, "It's fine. Just tell us next time anything like that's going on, okay? Seriously, you don't need to think about it at all."

"I know, I know." She sheepishly acknowledged. "I didn't handle that well at all. I just got all silly and-"

"Mabel, we're always here when you need us." Ford gently reminded her. Dipper nodded thankfully at their great-uncle and then gave his sister a pat on the arm.

"Don't forget that, okay?"

"I definitely won't next time!" Mabel affectionately attacked her twin with another thankful crush. She then proceeded to dispense grateful hugs all around the table.

"So did you figure this all out recently, or what?" Stan asked, right before Finn grabbed his nose and honked hard. "OW! Easy, kiddo."

"Nope! I just wanted to wait until everyone was together." She chirped after happily squeezing Wendy around the shoulders.

"So how'd you guess that the geezers were in on it too?" Her sister-in-law asked.

"I got confirmation from Soos and Melly after I figured out that someone had given Mabel some help!" Mabel answered.

Stan chuckled. "Guess it wasn't too hard to guess what happened after the checks suddenly started coming back in."

"Ohhh, it was even easier than that! Way, way, waaaaaay, easy!" The young mother laughed. "At least a bajillion times easier! It was like, soooo obvious somebody had gone and taken care of things!"

"So what was the big clue?" Ford pried curiously, right before it became his turn to be engulfed in a loving crush.

"The teensy little fact that the Ultimate Jerk's hasn't just gone back on schedule again..." She grinned. "He's also been paying extra ever since…"


	78. Unrecognizable

Here's a little something I partially drafted during PL and cleaned up last night. Just wanted to throw up one more thing before heading off on a family vacation for a bit, and to hopefully get some major, major creative recharging in. Right now I have a couple very couple basic concepts I've been playing around with, but as for specific stories, I honestly don't have much in the works at the moment, actually. I'm learning that it can be a little tricky without new episodes to help reinvigorate a little every now and then, even if they came only after ridiculously huge hiatuses. Also it probably doesn't help that I've explored a heck of a lot already, to put it mildly - I mean good gracious, there's nearly 80 chapters in this one compilation alone, and that's for a series that only had 40 episodes (I'm pretty sure Dipper and Mabel have spoken more in my stories than they did in GF's entire run).

Anyways, hope you enjoy another installment! - **_SGA_**

* * *

It would have been incredibly generous to merely call it a slow day at the Mystery Shack. Tourist traffic had been absolutely nonexistent. So far there had been tour buses of eager visitors ripe for the fleecing had stopped by, no carloads of vacationing family or couples who didn't know better, or even so much as a curious passerby driving through town. Not a single person had stopped by.

With things being as dead as they were, the Shack's cashier and her best friend had tried to pass the time by doing a little bit of cleaning up around the gift shop that Wendy had been slacking off on for a little while despite several very grumpy reminders from Stan and a few much more gentle reminders from Soos (she estimated that the chore was at least three days old). But when they were finished, the two received a considerable surprise.

"Okay, seriously. " Dipper Pines couldn't stop staring incredulously at his phone. "How can it only be a little after ten?"

"Because that's the only actual mystery in this place. Times slower here than literally anywhere else in the entire world." Wendy cracked as she leaned heavily against the counter.

The seventeen-year-old lumberjill and her fourteen-year-old friend shared a look and quickly became to a mutual agreement without saying a word. It looked like they needed to make some excitement for themselves.

Dipper took the lead. He reached for a flyer advertising a "sale" on Shack T-shirts (from twenty-two dollars apiece to a bargain price of twenty-one dollars and ninety-five cents) and as he crumpled it up he pushed an old waste paper bin to the center of the floor with his foot. As he continued rolling up misleading ads into balls he asked, "First one to five wins?"

"Yeah, sure." Wendy then joked, "It'll be nice to be kept busy for like, three minutes."

"Hey, c'mon." Dipper rolled his eyes.

"Dude, last time we played it was a total washout." She gave him a playful knock to the shoulder.

"Only the first round." He reminded.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." She gave the old the trapper cap sitting on top of his head a spin. "It was three washouts in a row."

"How can you call the second round a washout if I won it?" He protested, and she continued to mercilessly rib him.

"Yeah you won it, but just barely." Wendy burst out cackling after he flipped a handful of thick crimson hair over her head and into her freckled face. When she parted her locks she crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him.

"Oh yeah? Just you wait." He warned her with a confident smile. "Today I'm going to-"

His shot went arcing wildly high over the garbage can. However, in his defense both he and Wendy had been badly started when the door swung open wide with the chime of the doorbell and then a loud thud as it hit the wall. A breathless girl nearly stumbled over her feet as she raced inside.

"HELP!" A frantic yelp was the first thing out of Mabel's mouth. In a flash her twin and "big sister" forgot all about their game as they bolted over to her side.

"What happened?!" Dipper's first instinct was to look her over to see if she was hurt.

"You okay Mabes?" Wendy checked. A few heart-poundingly tense moments passed as Mabel gasped heavily.

"Y-yeah, I'm okay. But he's not!" Mabel nodded worriedly to the bundle in her arms wrapped up in her sweater, then added, "Or….or maybe she's not! Okay, I don't know what they are yet, but they really need our help, now!"

Dipper couldn't see much besides a pair of shining eyes peering out at him and Wendy, but his gut was already starting to anxiously knot up. Now this wasn't the first time Mabel brought home some creature under the excuse that it was hurt, sick, lost, or some combination of the three. Far from it, to say the least. Thanks to her enormous heart she had been doing this regularly ever since the day when she had carried a mouse into the house and let it stay in a shoebox in her room until it felt better (only after an onslaught of puppy-dog eyes finally made their mom reluctantly assent to the little guest). Since then there had been a long line of lost puppies, pigeons with broken wings, rescued turtles, and many, many others. The creatures that the little teenage brunette Samaritan found around Piedmont weren't a big issue by now.

Needy creatures found in the thick oddity-packed woods surrounding Gravity Falls woods, however….that was a very, very different story. It was a whole different kind of risk factor, and over the past few summers she had let her compassion get the better of herself during several well-intentioned but ill-planned "rescues."

"Okay, hold on." He immediately began to caution. "Let's take that back outside first, and then-"

"Noooo!" Mabel refused. "It needs our help, and it needs it now!"

"But Mabel, we...oh, yikes."

She partially unwrapped her sweater to reveal a total mess of a bird. It gazed up blearily at everyone through glazed green eyes. At least one or two of its feathers would shed off with almost every single movement that it made, making the bald patches covering its body constantly grow. It opened up its beak, and whether it wanted to attempt a chirp, a caw or a squawk was anyone's guess because all it ended up producing was a raspy wheeze.

"Oh….oh, man." Dipper forgot all about his initial misgivings as soon as he got his first full look. Hurriedly he cleared a spot for it on top of the counter.

"There we go...it's gonna be okay...it's gonna be ooookaaaay..." Mabel rocked it like a baby before gingerly setting it down.

"This thing looks like hell." Wendy understated. "Where'd you find this?"

"Not too far from here! I just wanted to do a quick nature walk, and all of a sudden I heard lots of coughing and hacking, and then I found this poor baby here. It were just barely hanging onto the branch it was sitting on." As she gently stroked its half-bare head, Mabel asked her twin, "What do you think it is?"

"I….I don't know, actually." Dipper gave it a careful examination, only to find he was no closer to figuring out what they were looking at. He shook his head, and together the twins passed an inquiring glance to the local town resident standing among them. Wendy however appeared just as clueless as the two of them were.

"I have absolutely no idea." She confessed. "I can't even tell if it's sick or it it's just like, crazy-old."

"Noooo! Don't be sick!" Mabel begged her patient as she gave it a tender hug. It wheezed again as it rested its head wearily on her shoulder.

"It is pretty wrinkly under there." Dipper remarked while he softly ran the tips of his fingers over a pale patch of exposed skin.

"I've seriously never seen anything like this before." Said Wendy. "And I've been up in trees with like, almost every bird that lives around here."

"Well, knowing us it's probably not anything normal." Dipper very smartly theorized. With its long curling tail and once-magnificent crest feathers on top of its head and trailing partway down its neck, it looked more like something would would come across deep in the tropical rainforest than the evergreen woods of the Pacific Northwest. From the looks of it, they were dealing with some good old-fashioned Gravity Falls Weirdness. But as to what kind of weirdness that was specifically, he couldn't tell. His sharp eyes couldn't detect any telltale clues. Of the many creatures he had studied with his great uncles, or spotted in person while exploring with Mabel or seen while camping out with Wendy, literally nothing sprang to mind. He shared a look with his twin sister.

"Go get Grunkle Ford?" Mabel smartly suggested.

"Uh-huh." He readily agreed. After she bundled the decrepit bird back up a little the trio headed over to the vending machine. Dipper punched in the code and the secret door swung open wide.

"Grunkle Ford? GRUNKLE FORD!" Mabel called. "GRUNKLE FORRRR-ORRRRD!"

"YO! FORD!" Wendy cupped her hands over her mouth and hollered, but there were no signs to indicate that they had been heard. Or to be more accurate, there were no signs that the old scientist they wanted had heard them. Their cries however did bring a familiar figure hustling into the gift shop.

"Hey! Is everything okay?" Melody's attentioned was almost instantaneously drawn to the sickly animal by the cash register. "Oh, whoa!"

She rushed over and give the poor creature a gentle pat on the neck, "What's this?"

"No idea! And We don't eve know what it is!" squeaked Mabel. "Melly, could you look after it while we go get Ford? Pleasure?"

"Yeah, course!" Melody was already fetching a thirty-dollar "Mystery Mug." As the teens headed down into the subterranean depths of the Shack, she filled the overpriced souvenir with some equally overpriced "Gravity Falls All-Natural Spring Water" (no mention that it came from the hose out back) and place it in front of the droopy animal. "It's okay, you'll be fine. Here, you thirsty, girl? Or, uh….boy? C'mon, take a drink…."

One small elevator ride later the trio found Stanford Pines hunched over a table. He was so completely immersed in his current work that he honestly didn't realize that he had company until they were right by his sides.

"...Fascinating…." He murmured while intently peering into a microscope. "And to think, all this time…"

"Grunkle Ford?" Dipper spoke up.

"Grunkle Forrrrd!" Mabel tugged on his arm.

"Hey!" Wendy snapped her fingers.

"What? Oh! Hey, kids!" After a small start he greeted them with a smile that glowed with almost child-like glee. "You'll never believe what I just found out! Did you know that the tail hairs of a pegasus almost have the same tensile strength as a spider's webbing-"

"Ford, we need your help now!" Mabel interrupted. "I found a bird in the forest and it looks really sick! Like, really, really sick!"

"Uh oh." The excited grin vanished off his wrinkled face. "What kind of bird?"

"We don't know! Something we haven't seen before! So probably not a normal one, but like a weird one!" She explained. "We can't tell?"

In a flash the family's original mystery-hunter was up on his feet and leading the way back to the little elevator. As they all squeezed in he began peppering everyone with questions. "How big is it?"

"This big!" Mabel gestured with her hands.

"Feather color?"

"Like this," Wendy was best equipped to handle this question. She grabbed and held up a handful of her own crimson locks. "But like, all faded."

"What do you mean by 'sick' specifically?" He pumped them for more information. "Does it have a fever? Sores on its body?"

"Well….actually, we're not even totally if it's sick or not." Dipper confessed.

"Excuse me?" Ford straightened his glazes and shot his great-nephew a curious look.

"Yeah, it could just be old! It's feathers are falling out everywhere, and the skin is all weird and wrinkly. Or….maybe it's old and sick?" Mabel wondered. "We can't really tell!"

It was at this point that Ford froze up in unmistakable horror. The teens all shared unsettled looks with one another. This definitely wasn't a good sign.

"Ford?" Wendy waved a hand over his face.

"You said that the birds' feather were red, right?" He double-checked worriedly as the elevator doors opened at the base of the hidden stairway.

"Is everything okay?" Dipper asked. That question was answered by an audible whoosh up in the gift shop, followed immediately by a frightened scream. As everyone immediately racing back to the first floor as fast as their legs could carry them, Melody's panicked yells continued to echo all throughout the Shack.

"Fire! FIRE!"

* * *

At this point the story paused so the little group could from the Shack living room and into the gift shop, with Mabel leading the way to the counter. Once there, Dipper pushed the bulky old cash register from its spot on the old counter and revealed the faded but still visible black burn marks that the antique machine had been strategically covering for well over the last ten years. He then hefted the little twins up one by one so they could get a good look.

"See, sweeties?" Mabel ran her finger in a circle around the patch of fire-stained wood.

"Yeah, I seeit, Mommy!" Finn squeaked.

"Can we touch it?" Gladys asked cautiously. Mabel giggled and pat her daughter's head.

"Course you can! Go on." She encouraged. The baby in her arms had started reaching out curiously at the marred spot, and she leaned in so her little niece could have a feel and a closer look too. "You too, Fee-Fee!"

"Didit just get this spot?" Finn asked.

"Nope the flames went reeeaaaally high too!" Mabel pointed up above, and for the first time the tykes noticed the mark on the ceiling. "Plus, we use to have a little rack of postcards up on here until that day. You should have seen them go up!"

As all three little ones examined the remains of the fateful incident, Dipper wrapped up the tale with an extremely valuable lesson. "So you see, this is why it's important to know what a phoenix looks like….."


	79. Odds and Ends - 9

Hi, all! I have a couple snippets, but that's all for the moment. I've got to be honest and admit that even after a vacation, I'm still finding myself in a creative slowdown right now, and even the general ideas that I already have just haven't been able to spark into full-fledged plots and stories.

Special thanks to Kraven the Hunter for giving me the idea for the second and fourth drabbles in this latest batch of assorted shorts. And as always, I hope you all enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

"_**He's Resting"**_

"Hello?" The young man rapped on the door. "Pepe's Pizzeria-"

"Shhhhhh!" A mighty shush fired back from inside the humble trailer home.

"Huh?" He let out a surprised grunt and was immediately shushed again. His initial confusion quickly turned into dismay as his mind conjured up images of a stressed parent desperately guarding their napping child from an early wake-up.

"S-sorry!" He sputtered as he hastily lowered his voice to a cracked whisper.

"It's cool, it's cool." A hushed reassurance replied. "Just….try and keep it down, okay?"

"Okay." He idled there for a few moments before he murmured, "Uh….what do you want me to-"

"Oh yeah, Sorry! The door's open!"

He pressed his ear closer to the trailer to hear better. "What?"

"You can come in. But just like, try to keep it down, okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Okay." He moved at such a hyper-cautious snail's pace that it took him a full twenty seconds to open the door wide enough for him to carry the pizza inside.

The scene that he encountered hower into was absolutely nothing like what he had originally envisioned. There was no sleeping little tyke to be seen anywhere. What he found instead was a wiry redhead lying across the length of a sofa, fumbling through one of her pockets while a slumbering twig of a man lay halfway draped on top of her.

"Hold on….I think I almost…." Wendy continued to speak in a hushed tone as she finally managed to drag her wallet free.

"Uh….you need any help?" The bemused delivery boy asked as he watched her struggle to try to fish out a couple dollars with only one hand.

"Nah, I think I….yeah, I got it." It took a fair amount of time and effort, but the stubborn lumberjill managed to wrestle out the right amount. She let her wallet tumble to the floor as she held out a fistful of bills. "Here. Tip's included."

"Thanks." He took the crumpled cash . "Uh, so….where do you want me to-"

"Here's good." Wendy pat the floor next to the couch.

As the gangly boy set down the pizza he was able to get a good glance at the young woman's unconscious sofa-mate. Dipper Pines had absolutely enormous purple bags sagging beneath his tightly-shut eyes as he slumped halfway over his girlfriend, completely passed out in the deepest of sleeps.

"Uh….is he okay?" He asked curiously.

"Oh yeah, he's fine" The lumberjill explained. "Just zonked out a couple minutes ago. He's had a really long week. Been working on his Master's thesis almost nonstop."

As she gave him a gentle pat on the back she added, "It also doesn't help that he always has to put in a long drive to get up here."

"Oh. Uh, okay." After awkwardly standing around for a few moments he headed out the door with a whisper, "So….enjoy the pizza. And, um…."

He nodded to Dipper. "Hope he, uh….gets caught up on rest."

"Thanks. Me too." Wendy snorted. She only just barely suppressed a laugh as she watched him close the door with the utmost gentleness. Now it was just her and her boyfriend alone in her humble trailer again, she ungracefully picked up a slice of pizza. After a bite she looked to him and took a moment to reflect about what just happened. After barely muffling another chuckle, she shook her head and muttered incredulously to her couch-mate, "Okay, did I seriously just have to do that?"

Dipper's face pressed deeper into her shoulder as he shifted in his sleep. The embarrassed grin on her face speedily blossomed into an adoring smile, and she planted a pepperoni-flavored kiss on her boyfriend's birthmarked forehead.

"You're welcome, doofus..."

* * *

_**"Yet Another Guide To…."** _

Golden rays of sunshine washed over the young man as he clambered out from his car. He gazed upon the half-excavated dig site, took a breath and exhaled with a toothy smile. Just as he planned, he was the very first of the museum's team there on that gorgeous spring morning. Now that he had successfully arrived extra-early he got right to work. In quick order he unpacked a small camera, pointed it towards himself, cleared his throat and started recording.

"Hey there everyone! Welcome to another episode of Dipper's Guide to Archaeology. Today I've got a real special treat for all you…."

He guided his camera away from his face and panned it around while he walked through the site.

"...A construction crew accidentally stumbled across what looks like the winter camp of a band of fur trappers. So far we've been able to unearth the foundations of three separate cabins, and plenty of artifacts too. Over here we've found a huge stash of fish and other animal bones. To put it another way, we would one of their trash pits. But that's going to give us some great insight into what this particular group hunted and ate. And in this spot here we found the remains of a hunting rifle. And right over here we….."

Dipper was practically bursting with enthusiasm as he jabbered on and on. Luckily for him it wasn't very long before he realized that he was probably speaking a little too fast to be properly understand by his audience. He took a deep breath, turned the camera back to himself and grinned apologetically.

"Sorry if I'm a little overexcited here. But what you all need to understand that this is a really prime find, especially because it's literally right outside the city from where your host lives and works. The museum that you've all seen in past episodes? We're practically right down the street from it. And we haven't done any proper dating tests just yet, but it's possible that the men who once lived here were some of the very first non-indigenous Americans in this area. So my crew and I have the privilege of uncovering all the secrets of a fantastic discovery right here in our back yard!"

By this point his enormous smile was nearly taking up the entire lower half of his face. "And besides the local historical implications, having this so close to home let's us study this place in-depth in a way that we normally don't have the luxury of doing at most other sites. We don't have to lug every a ton of equipment out into the middle of nowhere and hope that we have everything that we need. Sure, it can be kind of fun trying to make do with what you have, but there's really something to be said for being able to just hop in the car, drive ten minutes to the museum and pick up exactly what you need whenever…."

He became practically oblivious to everything around him as he babbled into the camera. And unfortunately that included the hand that suddenly began to rise very slowly from a nearby excavated pit. Dipper didn't realize that he wasn't alone until he felt fingers aggressively grab hold of his leg and clutch tightly.

The shrill yell that exploded from the young man's throat was shrill enough to send every bird in hearing distance fluttering away in a spooked haste. Panic surged through every ounce of the young man's very being as struggled like mad to get away. Meanwhile a moaning cry filled the air.

"RRAAARRRRRHHR! ZOMBIE ATTAAAAACK!"

With a burst of desperate energy Dipper wrenched his leg free, stumbled a few paces and tumbled over in a heap. As he began frantically reaching around for an improvised weapon, his ambusher popped up and flashed him a gigantic grin.

"Haha! Gotcha!" The young woman laughed.

"M-Mabel?" Gasped her rattled twin.

"Mornin', bro-bro!" Giggling with delight, she wheeled up a twin stroller with the help of a slope of dirt that provided her with a handy makeshift ramp. After parking her dozing one-year-olds in a nice shady spot under the cover of a nearby tree, she returned back into the pit and bouncily reemerged with her pig tucked under one arm and a grease-spotted bag in the other.

"W-what were you doing down there?" Dipper breathlessly asked.

"I decided to drop in for surprise-breakfast time!" She happily announced with a boop on his nose.

"Wait, but-"

"Look, I got your favorite! S-a-u-s-a-g-e, cheese and egg on an onion bagel, Dipdop-style!" Mabel made sure to spell out one of the key ingredients so as not to offend her beloved pet. "Ooohh, also…."

She put Waddles IV down. As she dug some old coins out of her sweater pocket, her pig trundled over and gave Dipper a snuffly nuzzle. "Hope you don't mind, but while we were waiting for you to show up Waddles started rooting around and found some super-old money. I'll show you where he dug it up later. After we finish breakfast, of course!"

Even though his heart was still racing thanks to his earlier shock, Dipper honestly found it to be upset with his giddy twin right now. Besides the early morning treats she had thoughtfully brought, she just looked so genuinely excited to see him (even though the last time they had last one another was a family dinner at her home just a day before).

"Uh….thanks." He resigned himself to the fact he now had enthusiastic company. "Let me just-"

"Oh, I got it!" As soon as he got back to his feet she speedily settled him down next to his niece and nephew, took the still-recording camera from his hands and replaced it with a warm breakfast sandwich and a coffee.

"Wait, Mabel-"

"It's fine! Gimme juuuuust a jiffy while I wrap things up for you here!" She looked into the still-recording camera and tittered mischievously. "Hi there, folks! Today's episode is closing with a quick outsider's perspective, starring Mabel Pines! Now, my brother's not the only one who likes it when his diggy thingies are super-close to home….."

* * *

**_"See No Evil"_**

"...Hey there!" Dipper called out as he popped in from out of the mild California winter chill.

"Yo, where's my crew at?" Wendy said playfully.

"Uncle Dipper! Aunt Wenny!" Their three-year-old nephew charged out to meet them at such excitement-fueled velocity that he tripped up over his own two feet.

"Heya, kiddo." His aunt caught him in time and swung him up onto her shoulder with ease.

"Unca Dippeh!" A little girl speedily toddled out with one arm wrapped around her treasured stuffed duck and the other outstretched for a hug.

"Hey there!" Dipper swept his little niece up. "Where's your mom?"

"Helloooo, family! In here!" A bubbly voice warmly beckoned them into the den.

"Hey, Rudolph! Sweet!" Wendy laughed at the sight of the classic familiar holiday special playing on the TV. Now that enthusiastic family greetings had been taken care of, the children scrambled down their aunt and uncle with dazzling speed, raced back over to the couch and clambered up on either side of their mother.

"That's right, and we're having a great time watching that crazy shiny-faced reindeer, aren't we babies?" Mabel wrapped an arm around each toddler.

"Yeah!" They excitedly chimed together.

"Wow, look at you." Dipper was impressed. His sister was currently doing just fine in complete spite of the fact that an abominable snowman was rigidly flailing its arms and displaying a mouthful of fangs on screen. Her longstanding fear of all things claymation and stop-motion somehow didn't seem to be disturbing her in the very slightest.

"Yeah, I can't believe it what I'm seeing." Wendy exclaimed.

"Can't believe what?" She chuckled while playfully hugging her children close. "Can't believe we're all just having an awesome time here together?"

"Hey, I'm just…" While the energetic little twins moved places yet again (this time to a big cushy beanbag on the floor), Dipper noticed something about his sister was….off. Her gaze was strangely unfocused as she talked to them. As soon as he observed this he speedily realized that she hadn't even blinked even once since they had arrived.

"You okay Mabes?" Wendy too had noted that something was oddly amiss. She shifted Waddles IV to make room for herself on the sofa. "Scuse me, pig-dude."

"Oh yeah!" Mabel laughed. "Why would you ask that? It's not like there's anything weird going on here, or…."

As she chatted, she didn't seem to notice that Dipper had slunk up to the other side of her, which only aroused his curiosity even further. He reach out and delivered a gentle poke to her glasses. She still didn't blink. However, she did jerk back with a surprised start and flail out blindly until she was able to slap his hand away.

"Don't do that!" She yelped, but quickly regained her composure. "Uh...it's not nice to poke at people in their face. Right?"

"Yeah, Mommy!" The little ones' attention was glued to the TV, but they still managed to answer back distractedly.

"Is that…." Wendy finally figured out that she was looking at two of the most realistically painted eyes that she had ever seen before in her entire life. When Dipper caught on, he had to bite down hard on his lip to prevent an explosion of laughter. Mabel briefly raised her false eyes to pass them a wink.

"Pretty good, huh? My babies wanted to watch a movie with creepy clay thingies with their Mommy, and Mommy wanted to sleep tonight without nightmares." She explained with a satisfied smile. "I figured out a compromise…"

* * *

"_**Next Generation"**_

Together the little trio trooped through the thick evergreen woods back towards the Mystery Shack. One of them walked with such an excited spring to her step that she was practically bouncing along the forest floor.

"...And I'll name you Sophie. And you'll be….Kimmy! And you'll be….you'll be...hmmm…..let's see…..what do we call you…." The girl adoringly chattered with their strange little discovery.

The skinny little redhead trotting along made a face as she watched the listened. She didn't like the looks of where this was going at all.

"Gladys?" She piped up. "Gladys?"

"Oh, I got it! You know what you look like? A Stephen! Yeah, I see it now. You're totally a Stephen." The tweenage girl triumphantly decided. "Okay, is there anyone left? Let's see, we got Stephen, Kimmy, Arnett, Sophie, Lila, Riley, Xavier, Gabriella….oops, missed one! Okay, you'll be…."

She was currently so obsessed with the little creature in her arms that she had genuinely forgotten all about both her young cousin and twin sibling, even as the former now started tugging her bedazzled shirt and repeatedly called her name.

"Gladys? Gladys!" Phoebe kept trying to get the older girl's attention, but it was like talking to a brick wall. When it was clear that Gladys was hopelessly distracted, she looked to her other cousin and huffed with frustration.

"She's not-"

"It's okay, got it." Finn motioned for her to wait a moment as he put his superior height to use. He grabbed his sister's ponytail and gave it a gentle tug, complete with the customary family sound-effect. "Whop!"

"HEY!" She stopped dead in her tracks. After batting his hand away she rubbed her head and shot her brother an annoyed glare. "What was that for?"

"Sorry, but…." Finn nodded over at Phoebe. Immediately she was all ears for her beloved little cousin.

"Oh, sorry!" She chirped apologetically. "What's up, Phoebs?"

"I thought we were just gonna help it." Phoebe said as she pointed to their discovery.

"Yeah we are!" She enthusiastically affirmed.

"But you're not going to try and keep it, are you?" The little redhead asked suspiciously.

"They're not mutually exclusive!" Gladys booped the freckle-faced girl on the nose and then started to eagerly explain, "This lost little sweetie is all alone, so if we really wanted to help it, then we should at least give try to give it a nice, cozy and loving ho-"

"Gladys, noooo!" Phoebe made it crystal-clear that she didn't see any of this ending well. Her dismayed groan rang out loudly through the surrounding woods.

"You know Mom's not going to be cool with that, right?" Finn asked. His sister just brushed aside their objections with a toothy smirk. Meanwhile, the baby hydra in her arms curiously peered about with its multiple heads.

"We'll see about that." Gladys retorted confidently as she stroked the tiny creature's back. "This time she's got a whole bunch of little faces that she's gonna have to say no to…."


	80. Toilet Trip

While reading Journal #3 a few days ago I was by surprise with some unexpected and also much-needed inspiration in the midst of a creativity-drought / some ongoing major family business. It's nothing too much, just a scene that takes a bit farther than usual glance into the future.

As usual, enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

When Gladys first started to giggle, Phoebe didn't pay it much attention. She just continued hiking alongside the twins as they traversed the thick woods of Gravity Falls together. It wasn't very long however before the little redhead noticed the constant little looks that her cousin kept passing her way, all while she tried to stifle her laughter in total vain.

"...What? What's so funny?" She finally demanded.

The older girl bit down harder on her lip, but it was already a lost battle. Gladys doggedly held on for a few moments before before she erupted with a squeaking snort.

"That mark!" She revealed with a shrill titter. "Lookattit!"

"Huh?"

"I just noticed that you got a great big one riiiiight around your left eye."

"What?" The younger girl felt her face, and as her fingers started tracing around the enormous temporary circle she let out a groan. "Awww, c'mon."

"It's okay! It's pretty neat actually. Like you're wearing a monocle!" Gladys reassured while she ruffled her cousin's fiery-red hair. "And at least one of your suction-y marks looks like something. I sure wish mine did."

The girl pointed to some of her own souvenirs from the scrap they had endured a mere ten minutes ago when they had accidentally crossed paths with an extremely territorial hawktopus. Phoebe looked at the red round markings covering the older girl's arms and couldn't help but titter.

"They kinda look like polka-dots." She observed.

"Yeah! YEAH! They do!" Gladys's already-massive smile almost doubled as she was struck with inspiration. "Oooh, maybe I could make this into a new fashion trend! Sleeveless sleeves! You wear a shirt, and then you copy its design on your skin alllll the way down to your wrists! What do you think, maca-bro-ni?"

Finn wasn't paying attention at the moment. The boy had fallen behind a little and was now busily casting his gaze all around. Both the girls ground to a stop.

"What's wrong?" Phoebe instinctively went on cautious alert.

"Finn?" Gladys walked over and gave her twin a nudge.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. Just looking for a good bush." He said distractedly.

"What?" It took her moment to figure out what he meant. When she realized that he was doing a fidgety dance, her face scrunched up with disgust "Ewwwww! Seriously?"

"Yup!" He kept searching around for a suitable spot.

"Gross, Finn! I told you not to drink so much!" She scolded and pointed to the near-empty water bottle hanging off his backpack.

"I didn't want to get dehydrated!" Finn shot back defensively.

"You still went way overboard. It's called self-control, mister!"

"How about over there?" Phoebe helpfully pointed out to a cluster of shrubs. After countless camping trips with her mother, she didn't see what the big deal was.

"Nah, they're too short."

"You're not going here!" Gladys said defiantly.

"Why?"

"Because we're right here and it's gonna be gross! Even if you have trees and stuff covering you! You're waiting until we get-"

"Nuh-uh, I'm definitely not making it."

"Yeah-huh!"

"There's no way I'm gonna be able to hold it in until then!"

"You can, and you will!" The two neonates were just about to descend into a full-on sibling spat before something odd caught their sibling's sharp emerald eyes.

"Whoa, what is that?" Phoebe chirped curiously. The twins immediately stopped bickering.

"What's what?" Finn momentarily forget about his discomfort as he and Gladys followed the direction of their cousin's pointing finger. Not too far away stood a small, skinny little wooden building surrounded by overgrowth.

"Is that a-"

"YES!" Finn gasped when he spotted the crescent-shaped window carved into its door. "Jackpot!"

The boy pulled an imaginary lever, made a jubilant ka-ching and charged headlong towards it without a second thought.

"Well that's lucky!" Gladys remarked cheerily. An outhouse standing out in the middle of the woods didn't bother her in the slightest. After all, it's strange location was nothing compared to the countless creatures and oddities that she had encountered since she and her sibling were mere babies. She was just glad that her brother had somewhere private to go.

Phoebe however didn't like the looks of any of this at all. She got the justifiably uneasy feeling that there was more than met the eye to this situation. This was Gravity Falls, after all, where weirdness abounded with abandon.

"Did we ever get told something about bathrooms like that out here?" No sooner had she asked when she recalled reading all about this in one of the family journals a ways back. With a horrified yelp she raced off like the wind after her cousin. "WAIT! WAAAIIIIIT!"

"Sorry, but I call dibs!" Finn called over his shoulder. "I'll try and be done quick and then you can go, okay?"

"No! Finn, wait! Stop!" Cried the frantic little redhead. "Don't go in there! Stop!"

"It's okay, I can handle the smell!" He reassured her. "It's no problem!"

"No, it's not that!"

"What's going on?" An extremely alarmed Gladys called out. "Phoebs?"

"Finn, stop! STOP!" she kept screaming. "Don't go in there! It's a-"

"Sweet relief, here I come!" Finn shamelessly whooped.

"No! But it's a-" Phoebe ran as fast as she could, but it wasn't enough. He shut the door behind him right before she caught up, and she charged right into it with a loud thud.

"Occupied!" He sang out.

She immediately began beating against the old wood as she desperately screamed out, "IT'S A PORTAL-POTTY!"

Time seemed to freeze for a horrible moment.

"Uh oh-" Finn didn't get a chance to utter another sound before a bright flash of otherworldly green light blasted from within the little outhouse. The girls shielded their eyes from the brief but near-blinding glow. It quickly died down, and the tiny outdoor bathroom fell silent.

"Finn? FINN!" Gladys shrieked. She hurled the door open wide only to find that there was nothing inside except a hole roughly cut over a wooden seat. Her brother was gone, transported somewhere unknown. "No! No, no, no, nononono! Finn! Finn!"

"No! Stay back!" Phoebe grabbed her cousin and pulled her away before the terror-stricken brunette could lean too far in and ended up elsewhere too. Gladys began searching all around the outhouse.

"Finn? Finn! Finn! Fiiii-iiii!" She constantly called for her brother. "Finn! Finn! FINN! Fiiiiiiiinn!"

"Okay, okay." Phoebe started brainstorming "Maybe...maybe we could….uhhhh…..m-maybe…..we….."

"Yeah?" Gladys danced from foot to foot as she waited anxiously for a plan.

"Maybe we go after him?" Phoebe suggested, but then immediately decided against it. "No, wait! We don't know where it goes"

"So what do we do?"

"Okay, uh….ummmm, how about I go in, but you tie a rope around me, and then…..no wait, the rope might just be transported with me too. Uhhhh…..uuuuhhhhh….maybe…..maybe we….."

Soon she was cradling her head as her mind went into overdrive. Suddenly a musical chime rang out. Gladys dug her phone from her pocket, squeaked in surprise and showed that it was her mother calling.

"Um, maybe-" Phoebe tried to make a suggestion, but the older girl was such a panic-stricken mess that she not only answered the call but also put speaker-phone on.

"Hi Mom how are you we're all good here all three of us are totally doing just fine!" She anxiously blurted out with the least bit of subtlety possible. Phoebe face-palmed. Mabel meanwhile exploded with bubbly laughter.

"Three? I think you're off by one, hun-bun." She declared with a confident titter. Her daughter and niece shared dumbfounded looks.

"Wha?! H-how do you know that…." Phoebe attempted to ask before a familiar voice enthusiastically called out to them from the other end of the line.

"Hey sis! Hey Phoebs!"

"Finn?" Phoebe gasped.

"FINN!" Gladys involuntarily hollered with joy. "Is it really you?!"

"Yeah, it's me! Don't worry, I'm okay!"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm totally….oooh, actually, I'm not doing so good with….uh, Mom, can I go?"

"Huh? But your sister and cousin are probably all worried about-"

"I know, but…..I really, really, really gotta go use the-"

"Oh! Oh yeah, that's fine. Go, go, go!" Mabel urged, and the girls could hear his frantic footsteps over the phone as he raced on off to tend to some important business.

"Aunt Maymay?" The utterly flabbergasted Phoebe piped. "How did….hold on, what just-"

"He went in that portal-potty by Hunting Accident Creek, didn't he?" Mabel knowingly asked. The girls looked around and it didn't take long until they saw the small stream nearby.

"Uh-huh."

"Haha, thought so! Lucky for you guys, that one usually spits up people right around the Shack. I heard appear him on the roof about a minute ago."

"Is he really okay?" Gladys fussed. "You're sure, right?"

"He's fine, hun-bun, he was just a little spooked." She comforted her daughter. " Anyways, sounds like that 'out of order' sign fell off again. I guess your uncle and I need to go replace-"

"Sorry." A remorseful Phoebe couldn't help but finally interrupt.

"Sorry?" Mabel repeated curiously. "Sorry….why?"

"Because….I should have remembered all about the portal-potties sooner." Said the unhappy little girl. "But when I did it was way too late, and...I couldn't stop Finn from going inside. But I should have figured out something was weird before we-"

"Oh, pfffft! You two sillies are fine, Finn's fine, everybody's fine! This stuff happens." Mabel brushed it off. "Okay, now no more being upset! Time for you to get your butts moving back over here. Guess who's making his famous cheesy enchiladas for lunch?"

"Uncle Soos!" Gladys cheered as she finished making a speedy recovery.

"Yeah he is! Okay, now I want you two to walk the rest of the way back. We're done with crazy journeys for today."

"Got it! Seeya, Mom!"

"See you in just a little….wait, wait, hold on." Mabel paused before hanging up. "One quick thingie. Glad-Glad, does your cousin have a major case of guilty-face right now?"

"No!" Phoebe automatically denied. Meanwhile her tone and instant blush betrayed her.

"Yuuuup!" Gladys affirmed, and gave her cousin a one-armed hug. "Aw, it's okay!"

"I'm fine!" squeaked the small girl, who was fooling no one at all.

"I thought so. Oh jeez, Fee-Fee, what are we gonna do with you?" Mabel giggled over the phone at her neurotic little niece. "Don't worry, everyone's fine. This was no big dealie."

"Yeah, but-"

"Things like this just happen, it's seriously, totally, one million percent fine." When she didn't hear any agreement, the crafty aunt giggled and added, "Trust me, it's fine. This is nowhere near as bad as the time your Dad went into the portal-potty out by Skull Rock."

"Really?" As soon as her curiosity was piqued the inquisitive redhead forgot all about her woe. "What happened?"

Gladys thoughtfully passed her phone into her cousin's hands with a smile and an affectionate pat on the head. Mabel enthusiastically started to enthusiastically regale the two young girls as they trooped off side by side to go safely rejoin the rest of their weirdness-prone family.

"Ooooh, now that was something! It was only our second summer up north here, and we were almost done checking it out when he decided that he wanted to lean in and get a good long look at the inside. Well before we knew it, we were heading into town to wire him money for a bus ticket out of Kansas City, and…."


	81. Odds and Ends - 10

Here's another collection of various day-in-the-like scenes. Two have been lying around on my folder for a little while, and the third is an admittedly strange I cooked up recently after flipping through Journal #3.

As usual, enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"_**Watchdog"**_

The lanky young woman lay comfortably stretched across her sofa with her computer perched on her lap. She had just about finished an online reading for one of her classes when she heard a car outside her humble trailer home. A knock followed, and a dirtied young man let himself inside.

"Hey," Dipper announced. "I'm back."

"Check it out! You survived!" Wendy cracked as she closed her laptop and placed it aside.

"Yeah. And I think I'm just as surprised as you are." He joked.

"Congrats on your first hunting trip." She commended before giving him a bear hug.

"Thanks. I actually didn't have to do anything, though." Dipper confessed. "We spent most of it hanging out behind a blind that the guys made. It was just a lot of drinking, snacking, and joking around."

"Did they keep you there until you bagged a trophy buck all by yourself?" She teased.

"Nope, no one tried to shove a hunting rifle into my hands or anything. They were totally cool with just letting me sit around with them while they waited for a buck to pass by. I really have to hand it to them, they….uh….they…."

He ungracefully stumbled into silence. His girlfriend snickered. "Dude, chill. Whatever you want to say, it's probably fine."

"I…." Even though she had given him the green light, it still took the overcautious young man a couple moments to work up the courage to finish his thought. "I….I was going to say that your brothers really….uh, behaved themselves today, but-"

"I know, right?" Wendy exclaimed happily. Her joyful outburst caught him by surprise.

"Huh? Wait, what do you mean you know?" He pried curiously. That had been a bit of an odd remark.

"Oh, well it was pretty obvious as soon as you came in." A large twig and a couple leaves unfortunately chose that particular moment to fall out of her thick crimson hair. It would seem that young woman hadn't covered all of her tracks quite as thoroughly as she had thought. And so as she watched her camouflage remains flutter down to the floor, Wendy promptly buttoned her lips and went dead quiet.

Dipper meanwhile very speedily put all of the clues together. Absolutely nobody could beat his girlfriend when it came to making themselves nearly invisible out in the wild.

"So…." After a sizable pause he looked her straight in the eyes and asked her bluntly, "So, were you watching us the entire time?"

"No….not the whole time. Just….like, just until I was sure that they weren't going to try anything funny with you." She told him truthfully. Her freckled face now glowed with a blazing blush. The next few moments seemed to last an eternity for her as she waited for him to react to her spying.

Dipper scratched the back of his neck as he finally broke the silence with a confession of his own. "Okay, so...not sure if this is weird or not, but hearing that honestly makes me feel more relieved than anything."

"Wait, seriously?" She cocked an eyebrow.

"Uh….yeah, actually." He confirmed.

"You're actually cool with me creeping on you?" She cracked up.

"Well don't put it like that, but...honestly, it's pretty nice to know that I had backup if I needed it." Now it was Dipper's turn to light up bright red.

"Sweet." She burst out laughing as he stepped up and wrapped his noodle-arms around her.

"Thanks for looking out for me." He said gratefully.

"Hey, I gotta keep on eye on my guy." After they shared a squeeze together she pat his back and assured him, "Don't worry, I definitely don't plan on making this a regular thing. After seeing my brothers play nice today, this is probably just going to be a one-time only deal."

"Actually….I wouldn't say that too soon." He countered.

"Okay, so what's that supposed to mean?" She asked with a curious smile. Dipper grinned sheepishly.

"Well….now they want me to come out fishing with them and your dad the next time I'm up here, so, uh….if you wouldn't mind too much…I'd kinda feel better if..."

* * *

"_**Ready to Roll"**_

Thursday afternoon found Dipper hanging around his sister's home for an after-work visit. With her pregnancy winding down, this had turned into an almost everyday routine that would bring either him, Wendy, or the both of them by the mother-to-be's home for a check-in.

"...So you hear anything from Grunkle Ford lately?" Mabel sat snuggled in a nest of pillows and sweaters on her sofa as she chatted and knitted her second onesie of the day.

"Still up in Maine." Her twin answered.

"Still looking for Lobster-man?"

"Uh-huh. But he says if the kids come while he's away, he'll try and get here as soon as he can."

"Awwww!" She cooed.

"At least you're okay with it. Stan still thinks it's nuts that he chose now of all times to head to the other side of the county."

"Oh pfft, it's fine! You of all people should know how he can be. He learns about something super weird, nothing's stopping him from checking it out!"

"That's….yeah, true." Dipper quickly admitted. "Anyways, you up for a walk?"

"YEAH!" She put her knitting aside and eagerly thrust out her arms.

Dipper grabbed her wrists, and it was only after a great deal of exertion that he was able to set his very heavily pregnant twin up onto her feet. He wiped his brow before heading off to fetch her pet pig, who he found curled up in a basket of dirty laundry. As soon as Waddles IV saw the leash in Dipper's hand he wriggled his rump and excitedly trundled over.

"So what do you guys want today?" He heard Mabel ask while he clipped in the little animal.

"I was thinking maybe just the usual. You know, once or twice around the block. But we can do more if you feel like you're up for it."

"How about some eighties tunes?" She replied. "Does that sound good?"

"Huh?" He grunted.

"Orrrrr, what do think some of going classic pop? I got all of Sev'ral Timez's greatest hits!"

"Wait, what?" Dipper asked. The conversation had taken a very odd turn.

"Wait, just what the hey am I saying? I was jamming out to those like crazy all last week. Nevermind."

"Mabel-"

"The last thing you guys probably want is to hear those get overplayed to death, right?" She asked.

"Mabel, what-"

"Ooooh! How about we go some dance beats?"

"What are you even talking about?"

Let's see...we got some samba music..."

"Uh, Mabel?

"...A couple techno mixes, some techno jams, a couple disco classics…."

"I don't think you should be dancing all around the neighborhood." The increasingly confused young man cautioned.

"Wait, wait! If we're talking classics, how about some classic rock?" She suggested. It was as if Mabel wasn't paying attention to a single thing that he was saying to her.

"Classic rock for what?" Dipper asked.

"Wait, wait, no." She completely ignored his words yet again. "We had that on while I was making breakfast this morning. Sorry, I forgot. "

"What are you-"

"Maybe we should go with…..hmmm…..what to pick…..what to pick…..whaaaat to piiiick...hmmmmm..."

A very bewildered Dipper headed back towards the living room with Waddles IV following at his heels. "Mabel?"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, I got it!" She squeaked excitedly. "How about we do some golden oldies?"

"Mabel, what are-"

"Ooooh! Motown! Yeah, that's it!"

"What are you talking about?" The second he returned to the den he was finally able to see that he wasn't the one that she had been talking to for the past minute. After wrapping up the one-sided conversation with her little ones, she swiped her MP3 player to the appropriate playlist, fitted her earbuds into the specially crafted nooks that she had fashioned into the front of her hand-knitted maternity sweater, and with a deft press of a button the music started to pipe directly to her swollen stomach.

"We're all set!" She announced. Mabel noticed her sibling had broken out into a grin. Now he was now smiling uncontrollably like a total idiot at her thoughtful little set-up. She beamed back with pride. "You like what I did here?"

"I think so." Dipper laughed. "Just what is this, anyway?"

"Nothing big, just a few Mabel-fications I should have done for the babies a long, long, loooong time ago."

"Oh, really?" He replied as they headed outside.

"Well, yeah!" The young mother-to-be nodded. "I mean seriously, what fun is going out for some exercise if you don't have any workout tunes to enjoy with it?"

* * *

**_"At Least Put a Label On It"_**

"Morning everyone." Ford rubbed bleary eyes beneath his glasses as he shuffled into the packed sunlit kitchen.

"Good morrrrniiiing Grunkle Foooorrrd!" Mabel chirped, then immediately resumed bouncing around the room and improvising a song as she fished through the cabinets and cupboards. "Making pancakes, oooohhh we're gonna make some pancakes, it's not a cake that you can bake because it is a paaaaan-caaaaake, better than a trip to the lake because they're fluffy-soft and.…."

The rest of the Pines sat clustered around the rickety table. The little twins' legs dangled over the side as they and their aunt played with their baby cousin. Dipper meanwhile was finishing up his cereal with one long and epic slurp. As he wiped his mouth he realized that his sister had half-buried herself in the fridge.

"What are you looking for?"

"Looking for the milk! I can't make Mabel Pines' World-Famous Pancakes without milk for the batter, silly!"

"Oh, sorry!" He apologized, then the grabbed the container sitting directly next to him. "It's right here at the table."

"Thanks, bro-bro! Ooooh, this is packaged all retro! I didn't know that they still bottled milk anymore."

"Me neither, but-"

Ford snapped wide awake as he watched his great-niece and nephew pass off the bottle. He lunged over and snatched it away, all while letting out a desperate yell that nearly spooked everyone out of their skins. "NO!"

Silence now fell on the kitchen as his family bombarded him with bewildered looks.

"...What the heck was that?" Stan demanded.

"I'm sorry." Ford said breathlessly. "But I don't want anyone consuming this just yet. So far my tests haven't found anything odd about it, but I want to run a few more just to make sure that it's…."

A horrible sense of unease settled upon all of the adults as they listened.

"Um, Grunkle Ford?" Dipper bravely asked. "Where did that milk come from-"

The answer came flapping into the kitchen and immediately crashed down onto the floor. For a few moments everything was absolute chaos.

"Sweet Belgian waffles!" Stan back into a corner with the speed of a man a third his age. In the blink of an eye Wendy swept Phoebe out of the high chair and leapt onto her seat. Mabel tried to do the same with her little ones, but was only able to scoop up her little son.

"Glad-Glad!" Her daughter zipped out of her reach and beelined for the winged thing that was now running around in circles on the floor. "Gladys!"

"Look, Mommy!" Gladys squeaked excitedly. "Lookit!"

"Gladys Wendy Pines, you get over here right now!"

"But itsa owl, Mommy!" She squealed with delight before wrapping her little arms around the oddity in a hug. "Owl! Itsa owl! Lookit, a fluffy-"

Gladys finally stopped to get her first solid look at the creature. It had the brown feathered body of an owl, but unlike most owls it also had drooping leaf-shaped ears, a pair of horns, and a pink, bovine snout in place of a beak.

"Notta owl! Notta owl! Notta owl!" The child let go and speedily retreated into Mabel's waiting protective embrace.

"It's okay! Everyone, it's okay! Hold on, I got her!" Ford hurriedly slipped on heavy leather gloves and picked up the creature. As he soothed it by gently stroking its stomach, everyone else stood a safe distance back and gawked.

"Seriously, what IS that?" Wendy impatiently demanded as she fought to keep a good hold on Phoebe. Her hyper-inquisitive child was now trying to wriggle loose to get a closer look for herself at the weird new animal.

"Don't worry, it's only a cowl. And an injured one, too." Ford reassured, and nodded to the bandage on its wing. "It's all quite right."

"Well, that's...new." Dipper remarked as he intently observed the hybrid creature.

"Is this your first one?" The old scientist asked. Not only did his great-nephew nod, but so did everyone else, much to his surprise. "Really?"

"I'm pretty sure we'd remember seeing something like this." Mabel said gently.

"I'll admit these are difficult to spot at night when they're most active, but I bet you've heard these before at least once. I found this one here outside not too long after everyone went to bed last evening, and after taking care of her wound, I….well, I've more or less managed to spend the entire night studying her." He yawned and rubbed his eyes again. "I guess that I forgot to latch her cage shut when I came up from the lab just now."

"Nice one, genius." Stan asked sarcastically. Ford rolled his eyes and brushed off the remark.

"Anyways, there's no need to be scared of her. She's probably just a little confused right now." He reassured the rest of his family. "She won't hurt anyone. Actually, she's quite docile."

Mabel looked over the peculiar half-bird, half-bovine. After deciding that her great-uncle was telling the truth, the trusting young woman cautiously set her children down on the floor and waved politely at the new face, "Hello there, friend!"

"It's hurt, Gregrunkle Ford?" Finn squeaked in sympathy.

"Pooh baby!" Gladys cooed.

"Don't worry, she'll be quite alright. She just needs some time here to-"

"Whoa, whoa, hold the phone here." Stan gestured sharply. "Wait, that thing's our freaking pet now?"

"What? No, of course not, Stanley! She's only going to stay here until her wing heals."

"Wait, why do we have to keep it here in the house?" He griped.

"Well to keep her safe, of course! She is a fairly rare creature, after all. It's not like you'll find these all around the country. Besides, I can do finally some serious research that I've been wanting to do for years now. There's a lot I still don't about her species." He stroked her feathered head and smiled like an excited child. "I've never been able to get so close to an adult one like this before before. Absolutely beautiful, isn't she?"

"M-hoooooooooo!" The cowl puffed out her chest and filled the kitchen with a loud moot.

"Ooh! We've heard that before! Last time we went camping! Remember babies?" Mabel perked up at the familiarly weird sound. She looked to her sister-in-law and boasted, "See, Wen-Wen? Told you that wasn't a sick moose!"

"Yeah, looks like it. Huh." Wendy shrugged. "Okay then. That's-"

A loud and very squeaky burst of laughter from her daughter suddenly grabbed the lumberjill's attention. She turned her head and saw that Phoebe was giggling uncontrollably at the bug-eyed look of dismay that had swept across Dipper's face. "Uh, dude? You okay?"

The young man was not okay in the slightest as he stared unblinkingly at the cowl's extremely prominent udders. His horrified gaze then wandered to the bottle of milk, and then to the bowl of cereal that he had consumed with gusto only a few minutes ago. It didn't take very long for him to put two and two together.

"...Ohhhh no." He felt his stomach do a mighty flip-flop. Dipper gagged, clamped a hand tightly over his mouth and fled from the room.

"Whoa! Dipper? Dipper!" Wendy hurriedly passed Phoebe off to Stan before she raced after her spouse. "Dipper!"

Curiosity immediately got the best of the little twins, and they scamped off on the heels of their aunt and uncle.

"Uncah Dippeh? Uncah Diiiiippeeehhhhh!"

"Whereya guys goin'? Hey! Whereya goin'? What's happenin'?"

"Nononono! Babies, no!" Mabel chased after her little ones. "Uncle Dipper needs some major private time right now! Stay here! Stay here, pleeease!"

In no time the room had been partially cleared. All that remained were two old brothers, one confused baby redhead, a still-rattled cowl, and Waddles IV, who was warily watching the bird-bovine from beneath the table. A very-embarrassed Ford took one look in his brother's eyes and quickly guessed what was going to happen next. He awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Stanley, I-"

"I thought we were finally clear on this." Stan reminded him irritably, exactly as anticipated.

"Yes, but-"

"Lab stuff stays **_in_** the lab." The annoyed twin pointed to the half-empty bottle.

"Stanley-"

"We bought you that mini-fridge last Christmas for a reason, y'know."

"Er….you did." The old scientist readily admitted. "Look, I would have stored the sample in there, but….it's a little full right now."

"Full?"

"Yes. A few days ago I encountered-"

Stan very wisely turned around and carried his great-great niece out of the kitchen as fast as his old limbs would physically allow him. "You know what? I don't even wanna know…."


	82. Watch Out

"...Forty-five….forty-six…..forty-seven….forty-eight…." Stan Pines chuckled with delight as he sorted through the pile of cash that unwitting visitors had tossed all too willingly into the Bag O'Mystery at the culmination of their tour.

His counting was interrupted by the distinct of a truck parking parking outside the tumbledown tourist trap. As he heard heavy footsteps approach the Shack, the con artist hurriedly stowed his questionably-gained money out of sight. However a quick glance out the window immediately assuaged any worries. Yes, there was an enormous, scowling bear of a man walking right up to his door, but it was the specific enormous, scowling bear of a man that he had called for earlier that morning to have some woodwork done.

"Hey there, Corduroy." He got up and greeted the legendary lumberjack.

"You said something gettin' a shelf repaired?" gruffly replied "Manly" Dan.

"Right over there." Stan nodded to the disaster on the far side of the shop. A display of overpriced souvenirs had completely collapsed during the night when the cheap wood gave out. Manly Dan looked it over, nodded, and got straight to it without a word. He set down his toolbox and the several boards he had carried into the Shack, all tucked together under his arm with impressive ease.

Stan was about to duck out of the shop and give the hulking man some space when the lumberjack then started moving with uncharacteristic gentleness. He stopped and watched curiously as Dan got down on one knee and very delicately deposited the little surprise who had been hidden away in his other beefy arm. A tiny girl now stood there on the floor, clutching a stuffed elephant tightly.

"What the…." Stan quickly remembered. "Oh, that's right. You got a kid now."

"Yup." Manly Dan replied laconically as he started to do some measurements.

"What's her name again? Like…..Wanda, or somethin' like that?"

"Wendy. Today she's gonna get a taste of what carpentry's like."

"Huh. Well, okay then. Just lemme know when you're all done here and we can talk payment then."

But instead of leaving the two Corduroys alone, Stan found himself sticking around. He had to admit (not openly, of course), it was kind of cute the way that the little girl curiously watched her father work. Occasionally the tot would cast her emerald-green eyes around the room and all the strange knick-knacks surrounding her. When she finally met his gaze, he couldn't help but crack a smile at her.

"Hey there, sweetie. Boy, you've grown a heckuva lot. Last time I saw ya, you were just a little shrimp that your mom was carryin' around." he remarked.

There was nothing but silence as she carefully looked him up and down.

"So….you like what you see in here?" He gestured around him.

His reply was only more silence.

"Neat, huh?" He gestured again.

He continued to received nothing more than a quiet gaze.

"Not much of a talker, are ya?" Stan tried to joke.

Wendy finally responded. Unfortunately, it was by toddling one step back closer to her father.

"Aw c'mon, don't be like that. It's okay."

Again, she didn't make so much as a single sound. Stan found the situation to be a little perplexing. As an experienced showman, he could usually get a whole crowd of tourists fresh off the bus hanging onto his every word and action in under a minute. He wasn't used to having anyone be so standoffish to him, and the fact that it was a mere baby made the entire thing all the more absurd.

"She doesn't do too well with new folks." warned Manly Dan.

"Kid, it's fine. I'm not gonna bite or nothin." Stan reassured, but the child still warily stared back at him.

"She doesn't do too well with new folks." Manly Dan repeated again.

"Maybe until now. Check this out!" Stan took out his hypnotism wheel, and with just one spin he created a gorgeous kaleidoscope of swirling black and white. Whereas most people would have been enraptured within seconds, Wendy just took another step back.

"Told you, she doesn't do well with new folks." Her father distractedly repeated.

Stan wasn't going to give up. The stubborn soul grabbed several odds and ends off surrounding shelves and performed several tricks that always brought down the house on tours, but nothing seemed to be working.

"Hey, check this out." He reached for one of the newest additions to his stock of cheap merchandise. "Stan bobble-head. Looks familiar, right? And I just gotta tap his big head here….look!"

Wendy narrowed her eyes and hugged her stuffed toy.

"Aw c'mon, what gives? Look at this little guy, head all bobbing up and down like a total idiot. That's funny, right?"

Wendy took another step back.

"Nothing? Not a freakin' smile? Nothin'? Kid, look!" Stan knelt down and held the souvenir out. "This thing's ridiculous! You should be goin' absolutely nuts for-"

He leaned in a little far too close for her comfort, and she sprang at him like a coiled spring. A yow filled the entire building as tiny teeth sank into his hand with what felt like the force of a miniature bear trap.

"HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES!" By some miracle Stan was able to avoid weaving a tapestry of curses as her jaws slammed shut. Instead he managed to channel all of his agony into an audience-appropriate expletive.

When she released him, the tot beelined for her father and took shelter behind one of his tree-trunk legs. Now safely close to a familiar figure,she immediately resumed her wary starring while her victim performed a pained dance.

Manly Dan meanwhile didn't even pause from his work. He only passed a brief glance, and nodded knowingly. "Told you."

"Yeah…." Stan grimaced. "I can see that now…."

* * *

The wiry young woman filled the living room with snorting laughter. As she continued to absolutely lose it, her great-uncle-in-law finished his tale.

"I'm tellin ya, it was worse than when a beaver attacked me. For a day or two I was convinced I was gonna scar up." Stan watched as Wendy continued to cackle like a madwoman, andhe started to chuckle. "You seriously don't remember any of this?"

"Dude, I was a baby. Of course not!" She shook her head and snickered. "Oh man, I was vicious."

"It kinda made sense. You spent most of your time with your folks at home out on the edge of town. Didn't see too many others. Still, I've never seen a kid that small go on the attack like that. Yeesh."

"Sorry." Wendy mock-apologized.

"Eh, it's fine. Makes for a good story, at least." Stan finished up his third Pitt Cola of the morning. He glanced down to the miniature redhead playing down by Wendy's feet and cracked, "And maybe if I'm lucky, you'll get a taste of what it's like too.

"Probably not." She smirked. "This little lady takes a lot after her dad."

"She's still half you." he pointed out.

"Don't get any hopes up. She-"

While the adults chatted, Phoebe had been intently flipping through her great-great-uncle Ford's notebooks, taking a minute or two to look at the strange drawings on each page before clumsily and awkwardly turning to next one. She didn't realize her mother was reaching down towards her for a quick tickle until she felt the tips of Wendy's fingers brush the back of her neck, taking her completely off guard. The baby let out a shrill squeak and whirled around. The lumberjill yanked her hand away from the tiny snapping jaws just in time.

"Hey! What the…!? I thought you were done with this!" Wendy exclaimed.

"What... was that?" Stan managed to ask in spite of his laughter.

Wendy's freckled face started to go red as she hefted her baby into her lap and began calmingly stroking her head.

"Sooo... she's okay with new people," She stated, but then confessed, "But...she's kinda going through a phase where you can't spook her too badly …."


	83. Odds and Ends - 11

This little collection of random snippets actually has something new - GBHPrime84 wrote up a little bitty snippet related to the last chapter, and the characterizations and everything were so spot-on I couldn't not try to merge it into a separate little drabble I already written.

So thanks so very much for the contribution, GBHPrime! And as usual, I hope the rest of you enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

"**Delayed Realization"**

With her mug of coffee in hand, the bleary-eyed woman shambled from the kitchen and over to her sofa. She plopped down, took a sip of her steaming beverage, and as the caffeine started to slowly trickle through her system Wendy mulled over the day ahead. Dipper was currently out of town on a museum-funded dig. So that only left her with one decision, that was when she would go meet up with Mabel and her adorable niece and nephew to spend the rest of the day chilling in their company.

As it turns out the question had already been answered, and that answer was "right now." She suddenly heard some very familiar-sounding giggling coming right outside the apartment. Wendy only had time to stand when the door was unlocked from the outside and excitedly knocked open wide.

"Wennnndyyyyyy!" Mabel announced her abrupt arrival with an enthusiastic squeal. The young mother wheeled in a twin stroller and kicked the door behind her. "Wendy! Wendywendywendy!"

"What?" Wendy hustled over. "What happened?"

The brunette parked her wide-eyed three-month-olds and began to perform an ecstatic little dance.

"I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!" She joyously jumped from foot to foot as she jabbered at a mile a second. "I just can't! After alllll this time, and it only crossed my mind just now! It's totally nuts!"

"What did?" Wendy asked. "Mabes, what's going on?"

"I mean, when I can't believe it, I really mean that Mabel Pines just can't believe it, even for one little teensy second! All this time you with and my brother being an official thingy together, but I'm only figuring out until now! It's just…..I don't even believe it!"

"Believe what? Mabel, what are you talking about?" The lanky redhead's patience was starting to wear down.

"It happened just this morning!" Mabel clapped her hands and finally got to the point. "Right when I let Waddles outside! I was waiting for him to take care of his business, and suddenly hit me! Wendy, you're my S-I-L! You're my Sil!

"...Sister-in-law?" Wendy quickly figured out the acronym.

"YEAH!"

"Okay….and?"

"That means….that means…." Mabel was so hopelessly wound up that she actually had to pause so she could vent her joy with a high-pitched squeal.

"What?" Wendy demanded. "Mabel, what?"

"That means if I wanted to, I could call you my Sil-ly! Mabel's got herslf a Silly!" The squealed. She was immediately overcome by a fit of ecstatic giggles as she wrapped her arms around the redhead's waist for a crushing bear hug.

Wendy couldn't possibly be upset with this even if she had tried. The redhead just shook her head and burst out chuckling. "You know what?"

"What?" Her sister-in-law chirped.

"I kinda feel like you should have figured this out a lot sooner."

Mabel tittered while she continued squeezing away in a happy vise grip. "I know, right? Craziest thing. You'd think I would have thought of this long before the babies came out…."

* * *

_** "On Edge"**_

"Hey there!"

Gravity Falls' resident philanthropist clambered out of a car with a friendly greeting and a hearty wave to the small group sitting on the Shack's back porch. To Pacifica's surprise, she did not get the usual round of enthusiastic replies. Many of the Pines just gave her wordless nods, exhausted half-smiles and weary waves.

Even Mabel Pines wasn't her regular effervescent self as she wearily bounced up. "Hey there, Paz!"

Pacifica cast another look around at the rest of the ragged clan. As they sipped their colas and nibbled on snacks, everyone definitely seemed to be in recovery mode from….something. And knowing both her own hometown and this particular family, whatever they had dealt with probably wasn't all that pretty. "Is everything okay?"

"Now? Yeah, we're all good!" Mabel optimistically answered.

"It….doesn't really look like it." Her friend gently begged to differ.

"We're all just a little pooped. No biggie!"

"Okay….uh, what happened?"

"Oh you know! Just the usual Gravity Falls weirdness! Nothin' we couldn't handle! Isn't that right, family?"

"Yup, no problems at all." Said Stan, with no small amount of sarcasm.

"Come now, it really wasn't that bad." Ford spoke up.

"Oh really?" The old man gave his twin a look. "So you think you wanna do that all over again?"

"No. Absolutely not." His brother rapidly conceded.

Mabel rapidly changed the subject. "Anywhooo, nice for you to give us a quick visit! What's up, gal-pal?"

"Nothing much. I just finished up a meeting with the committee for the Town Square Summerween Bash, and realized I hadn't seen you guys all week."

"Oooohhh, that's right! A town-wide Summerween-stravaganza!" Mabel clutched her hands and squeaked excitedly. "So what did you do today?"

"We finally got everything all settled finally for the gift bags. I even got a sample for the kids." Pacifica confessed with a slight smile.

"Fiiinn! Glad-Glaaaad! Come see what Aunt Pazzy has!" Mabel didn't need to give her tots much urging; they raced over in a flash, with their baby cousin toddling along after. As the little twins tried to get a look, Pacifica sorted through the contents of a sample Jack-o-Lantern-patterned pag and explained..

"Every kid who attends the big partyis going to get one. It comes with some candy, glow bracelets, a skeleton bone necklace, and also….check out this!" Out came a plastic mask with green-warted skin and a long, hooking nose. She held it up to her face, and immediate panic broke out.

Mabel let out a panicked yelp as she reached into her sweater with one hand and herded her children behind her with the other. Melody bounded up, swept all three children into her arms and booked it back to the porch. Meanwhile, the rest of the family all swung into action like a well-oiled machine.

Before Pacifica knew it she was staring down a magnet gun, a grappling hook, a loaded crossbow, a laser-pistol, a set of glimmering brass knuckles, and a plastic chair that Soos was holding threateningly above his head. The young woman shrieked and threw her hands up.

"What? WHAT?!" She yelled. When the mask tumbled to the ground, everyone seemed to snap out of it, and they all lowered their weapons as fast as they could.

"Wow…..wow." Dipper gasped in embarrassed amazement. "Whoa, sorry about that, we just….oh, yikes."

Wendy mumbled an apology as she hastily unloaded the bolt from her crossbow. As the children huddled at the porch behind Melody (who had her fists clenched and ready to slug any threat dumb enough to get close), Gladys warily piped up, "Aunt Pazzy? Izzat you?"

"Y-yeah….yeah, it's me….I promise." She palsteplastedred on a smile and held a hand of her heart.

"Ohmigosh, we're sorry!" Mabel holstered her trusty grappling hook and gave her a hug. "We are so, so, sooooo sorry about that. Like, one billion times sorry."

"Something tells me whatever happened was like, kind of a bigger deal than you made it out to be." Pacifica brushed some of her blonde hair back and asserted irritably. "Like, a whole lot bigger."

"Yeah, that's one way to put it. Okay, so..." Dipper cleared his throat. "We had a little bit of a rough run-in with a shapeshifting witch this morning..."

* * *

**"Horror in My Home"**

The young man was so tired that he could barely lug his bags along in his scrawny noodle arms he trudged up to his apartment. However, his weariness couldn't make a dent in the shining smile that was spreading across his face from cheek to cheek. After a week digging out in the field with his team from the museum, he was back home. With a relieved sigh, he took out his key and reached for the lock.

"UNCLE DIPPERRR!"

The door flung open from the inside and two adoring missiles launched themselves at him. In a heartbeat he found himself flat on his back with two little children clinging onto him with the strength of small grizzly bears.

"Youah home! Youah home!" Gladys cheered.

"Uncle Dipper, you're back!" Finn ecstatically shouted.

As they now began clambering all over their uncle, a familiar rosy-cheeked face hovered up above him. "Hellooooo, bro-bro! Welcome back!"

"Hey." He greeted with a dazed grin. Mabel herded her tots off and helped him back to his feet.

"Sorry for the hug-rush. But Wen-Wen told us you were heading back today, and how could we not come over for a little welcome back party?" She asked very matter of factly. "C'mon, we got snacks and cake inside!"

"Speaking of Wendy, is any of my family actually here?" He playfully asked.

"Hey dude!" On cue a wiry redhead popped into view as soon as he stepped through the doorway and greeted him with a kiss and a bear-hug. However, her super-sleuth of a spouse could sense the slight awkwardness in her embrace, and he immediately deduced that something was up.

"Hey." After he gave her a quick peck on the cheek he. "Uh, so how's everything?"

"Great! I mean, how can it now be? You're back!" But she then immediately put on a cautious tone. "So, uh, first thing's first, I kinda need to give heads up."

"Heads up?" Dipper repeated as he went on alert.

"Don't worry, don't it's nothing big!" She gestured reassuringly. It's….well, see, Phoebe and I were hanging out at Mabe's yesterday, we were helping her do some cleaning in the basement, and Phoebe….she…."

"Da-eeee!" A delighted squeal interrupted the conversation. Dipper perked up as his baby daughter suddenly toddled into sight.

"Hey, sweetie!" The happy father attempted to go sweep her up into a hug, but to his surprise Wendy blocked his way. "Hey, what-"

"Hold on," She warned. "You just need to-"

"Da-ee!" Phoebe squeaked excitedly again. Dipper wormed his way around his wife despite her best efforts to put up a human barrier.

"Dude, hold on! I just-"

"Hold that thought. C'mere sweetheart," He opened his arms wide. "Come to D-"

Dipper finally got his first full view of his child. The young man immediately froze up, and his eyes widened to the size of sauces with disbelief.

Meanwhile his little girl just smiled innocently as she now stood at his feet. "Da-ee! Da-ee! Da-eeee!"

"N-no." Dipper mumbled at the horror clutched tightly in her little arms. "No, it…..no, it can't be…."

"Uh….yeah, sorry." Wendy shrugged.

"No, it can't be." He muttered. "No, not that. Anything but that. No, not….not….."

No matter how many times he openly refused, nothing at could refute fact that his baby girl was holding an utterly dilapidated and all-too-familiar puppet. Dipper's head drooped in despair as he groaned, "...Not Bear-o."

"Da-ee! Da-eeeeee! Da-ee!" Phoebe started hopping up and down, eager to show off her new toy and to get a hug from her father. When her horrified parent didn't respond, the impatient little tot began awkwardly climbing his leg like a little squirrel. She almost made it all the way up to his waist before Dipper dutifully gathered her into the embraced that she say craved. While her wriggly warmth lifted his heart as always, the feel of the raggedy abomination puppet still clutched in her little arms made him shudder uncontrollably.

"Yeah…." Mabel giggled awkwardly. "Fee-Fee found him in a box while helping out with some Clean-Up Time, and….well, she made a new friend right there and there."

"Uh huh….I see." Dipper winced a little when he met Bear-o dead glassy-eyed stare. He looked away and tried to focus on his child's beaming freckled face, but it wasn't easy with the way she was clutching her newfound friend so tightly.

"C'mon, lighten up. It's not like the end of the world or anything." Wendy then noted astutely, "You already know what that's like. They're not the same."

"Yeah! Let's be real here, bro-bro! Sure it's not one million percent ideal for you but at least this isn't like, a demon possession, or a monster attack, or nothing like that! Little Fee-Fee here just likes one of Aunt May-May's old toys! That's all! Besides, just look at that biiiig smile! Look!"

Dipper had to admit, his little girl was beaming like crazy. As he gazed into her gleeful expression managed to crack a weak grin of his own. "Okay….yeah, I can definitely get used to…."

Phoebe gave her new favorite toy an extra hard squeeze. There was a dull rip, and Bear-o's head and bounced down to Dipper's feet. He yelped and stumbled back into Wendy, who caught him just in time.

"Uh…." Mabel pat her startled twin's shoulder and smiled optimistically. "So, it's still not bad or anything, but…. I should probably give him a few repairs before he moves in here for good…."

* * *

"**Forever Happy to See You"**

"Hey, bro-bro! Ready for Pizza Friday?"

"Ha, when are we not-"

Dipper had barely opened the door to let in his sister's clan when her children dashed in, hugged both their uncle and aunt's legs in speedy succession and then shot off to find their favorite (and only) cousin. The two blurred around around until spotted Gladys found an unsuspecting baby redhead playing with blocks on the far side of the room.

"PHOEBEEEEE!" She yelled and charged, much to the dismay of all three adults.

"NO!" They all chorused together at once.

Phoebe shrieked as she was bodily picked up. Instinctively she tried to bend over as far as she could towards the arms that held in her in a vice grip and aggressively snapped a few times. However, by what could only be described as a miracle she yet again was being held in just the right way to prevent her teeth from getting in range of the older girl. When the startled tot finally realized who was adoringly crunching her a few moments later, she settled down with an annoyed squeak. Dipper and Wendy breathed a shared sigh of relief while Mabel rushed over to gave her little daughter a crucial reminder.

"Careful, Glad-Glad!" She warned. "You gotta be reeeaaaal careful when you say hi to your cousin. You don't want her to turn all bitey on you, dontcha?" You don't want Fee-Fee to turn into a Miss Bity McBiterson, dontcha?"

Gladys merely tittered as she squeezed the aggravated baby tighter. "Itsokay, Mommy! That just means she likes us!"

"Yeah!" Finn agreed as he joined his twin, and together they sandwiched the little girl. Mabel mercifully reached in and gathered up her baby niece.

"I know you're always happy to see her, but how about we try and be a teensy bit more gentle when we see her?"

"Okay!" The two chorused obediently.

Dipper wiped his brow and sighed in relief before confiding to his sister, "I could do with a whole lot less of these close calls."

"That makes two of us." Wendy added.

"Don't worry!" Mabel assured. "My little cuddle-monsters are still learning. They'll get the hang of it soon…."

* * *

_(*Sometime in the not-too-far future*)_

The little neonate was curled up on her bed, deeply immersed in her book. She was so immersed in her history of the ancient pyramids that she didn't hear any of the commotion at the front door of the apartment. She only realized that company had arrived when she felt a pair of arms grab her shoulders

"HEYPHOEBS!" An excited yell rattled her ears. The tiny preteen's book went flying out of her freckled noodle arms. With a squeal she instinctively lashed out, catching her teenage cousin square in the chest with an audible smack.

"Gladys!" She yelped indignantly. Her face then contorted with horror at the accidental strike she had just landed. "Sorry! I'm sorry!"

Gladys brushed some of her dyed purple-and-pink locks from eyes hair and shrugged it off with a toothy smile. "What, that? Pffft, don't worry! Not like it's the first time it happened!"

"Or the hundredth time, either!" Finn threw himself onto the bed, making both his little cousin and twin sister bounce a little.

"Or even the two-hundredth time, probably!" Gladys estimated.

"Can't I ever get any warning ever from you two ever?" The little redhead implored. "Like, just once?"

"It's fine, it doesn't bother us!" Gladys giggled. "We just think of all your little scared-punches and stuff as like, fist-bumps!"

"Except that you bump our bodies instead of our fists." Finn chimed in on the joke. He grinned and gave their young cousin a gentle push. "Seriously though, it's no biggie at all. We don't mind."

"That's not what I-" Phoebe tried to protest.

"No really, it's totally okay! It's no different than when we were itty bitty kids and you would get a little chompy sometimes. Remember that?" The older Pines girl laughed. "That never bugged us. Not even once! We just used to think of those as like, little lovebites!"

"What?!" Phoebe tugged her cap brim down and stuck out her tongue. "Ewww! Glaaadyyyys!"

"What?" Gladys cocked her head.

"Oh, whoa." Finn grimaced. "Sis? You uh, might want to think about what you just said back there."

"Huh? OH! Whoop!" She face-palmed with the appropriate sound-effect. "Yeah, that came out alllll kinds of super gross-wrong there. Hmmm….how about….maybe we can say that...we thought all that baby-biting were just little affection-nibbles?"

Phoebe covered her face. "Ewww! No!"

"Yeah, that's not any better." Finn said the obvious.

"Oooh, you're right-on, maca-broni. We're still way, way in Weirdtown here. Let's see, we can do better than that…...how about..." She thoughtfully tapped her chin. "OH! Oh, I got it! When we were little we always that she thought that she turned into a Bitey-Bitey McBiter-Phoebs just because she was so happy to see us?"

Her brother mulled it over for a moment, then broke out into an approving grin.

"Acceptable!" He announced, and the two shared a celebratory high five. Meanwhile, the little neonate between them couldn't believe that she was even in the middle of such a ridiculous conversation. She got down on her side curled up tight.

"You guuuuuyw. I...I..." The exasperated redhead began to whine, but she honestly didn't even know where to start. Finn flicked her cap off to ruffle her crimson locks, while Gladys scooped her up with experienced ease into an affectionate family squeeze.

"No need to say it, we know!" She said with a bubbly laugh. "We love you too, Phoebs…"


	84. Loose Ends

This was originally just supposed to be yet another a drabble slated to be part of the next batch of Odds and Ends (as of late all I've only really had the time and energy for little shorts). However, this kind of kept going and going and going until it eventually became oversized into a small installment in its own right.

So, hope you enjoy this (it's a topic that a couple have written about to me in various reviews and PMs in the past), plus the batch of snippets to soon follow with a two-for-one combo! - _**SGA**_

* * *

The warm summer afternoon found the entire Pines clan (year-round Gravity Falls residents and seasonal visitors alike) lounging out on the rickety back porch sipping ice-cold colas and swapping stories.

"...Okay, and so this guy's just staring at us as we climb out of the water. Like, I've seriously never, ever seen anyone's eyes come so close to falling out of someone's head like I did on this guy. He was seriously all like," Wendy tried to bulge her emerald eyes out as far as they could go as she let her jaw drop and arms drop limp. "And so we're now we're both just sitting there in his boat in jacked-up scuba gear, two strangers he just watched get tossed out of the ocean by giant tentacles, and of course he has no idea what to do. Finally, Dipper takes his oxygen mask off, looks up right in the eye, and says, 'Uh….h-hi. Um…..would you be okay if you gave us a ride back to shore?'"

Her husband blushed as she did a near-perfect imitation of his anxious stammer, and a round of laughter went up all around.

"So what did he do?" Melody chortled.

"Stare at us in dead silence for like, another whole moment before he got the engine running." Dipper chimed in with a weak chuckle. "Didn't say a word the whole ride back. Not even when he dropped us off back in San Juan."

Stan chuckled gruffly. He had heard the story over a dozen times over the years, but it only seemed to get better with every telling. "Man, Now that's a heckuva honeymoon there." Even remarked.

Wendy snorted, wrapped an arm around Dipper's neck and ruffled his hair. "Couldn't have asked for a better one."

"So how did-" Mabel was about to ask when excited squeaks filled the air.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Her little two-year-olds suddenly abandoned their toy cars in the grass and rushed onto the porch.

"What's up sweeties?" Their mother asked as she flashed her iconic toothy smile.

"Somethin's makin' music!" Gladys chirped.

"Yes, good job!" Mabel congratulated. "When the winds blows through the trees it does kind of sound like pretty-"

"Noooo, Mommy! Music-music! Listen! Listen Mommy!" Her son pled.

Everyone instinctively went quiet, and it wasn't long until they all heard a familiar Irish tune ring out from nearby.

"...Oh Danny booooy, the pipes, the pipes are callin'….."

"Ohhhh, no." Ford's face fell. "No, not…."

Unfortunately it was exactly as he had feared. What looked like a cross between a breakfast cereal mascot and a fairytale emerged from the woods. The little dog-sized beast had the body of a horse topped horrifically with the head of a grinning bearded little man. THe entire mishmashed body was topped with both a single horn and a green bowler hat.

"Top o' the morning to ya!" It practically shouted, even though it was three o'clock in the afternoon. Meanwhile the music continue to emanate directly from its horn.

"...The pipes, the pipes are callin'…."

Scowling, Ford vacated his chair and began to make a steady exit towards the door.

"Aw, for Pete's sake! It's just leprecorn." Stan rolled his eyes. "Relax, will ya? Of all the things you've had to deal with, this is what sends you runnin'? These things don't even come up to our knees!"

"Every single one of them are annoyance personified." His brother huffed back.

Meanwhile the creature trotted up to the porch. Smiling from ear to ear, it shook its bushy red beard and sent a rain of plastic gold coins tumbling out into a pile.

Ford kicked them off with a sweep of his boot and a growl. "Out! Get out!"

"May the road rise up to meet you, and may your days be magically delicious!" It squeakily quipped. It coughed up a mouthful of multicolored marshmallows of various shapes and colors before it flashed them another eerily cheery grin.

"Mommy?" Gladys looked confusedly to her mother. "Can we-"

"Those aren't for eating sweeties." Mabel gathered her tots closer. Ford meanwhile fired a raging hate-stare at the creature. Several of the family watched him with a mix of amusement and amazement. It was only in moments like these that they could see the old scientist burn with a hatred that was almost incomparable. Ford despised these freaks of the forest so fiercely that he loathing that it was honestly a sight to behold

"Grunkle Ford, it's really not that bad." Dipper said gently in an attempt to calm him down. "They're just….a little irritating. That's all."

The young man immediately disproved his own point a little when the horn-song started up again on its eternal loop, making him wince.

"Dipper, Literally every single thing about this creature is painfully frustrating." Ford grumbled. "With the waste it leaves, the nonsense it spouts, that ceaseless music it somehow plays, I….can barely look at it without wanting to-"

Before he could finish his rant, things took a peculiar turn. The leprecorn had trotted halfway back towards the surrounding woods before a massive shadow swept over the ground from high above.

"Uh oh." Stan grunted as everyone went on alert. There was a flap of wings, an earsplitting roar, and a thud as a mighty airborne behemoth came in for a landing.

A real-live pterodactyl was now sitting right on the property. Without a moment's pause it reached down, grabbed the still-grinning leprecorn by its sparkling rainbow mane and tossed it into the air with a flick of it head.

"When Irish eyes are smiling-" It had started to sing before it was consumed with just a bite and a gulp. The pterodactyl began looking around for more things to munch on, and laid eyes on all the assembled Pines.

"DINOSAUR!" Finn promptly lost his mind with joy. Before he could make a run straight for it, his mother scooped up both him and his twin sister into her lap and hugged them tight.

"Nope, sorry hun-bun! No touchies!" She admonished.

"Oh no ya don't! Get outta here! Get! Get!" As Stan waved his cane he looked around and grumbled, "Can someone go and-"

"On it!" As town residents and members of this strange family in all but name, Soos and Melody had long ago learned how to handle a pterodactyl visit. In a matter of moment they were properly armed and charging headlong at the large winged reptile. Melody wielded a metal can filled with coins, which clanged loudly as she shook it. The beast shrieked and cringed at the racket.

"Yo, watch out!" Soos husband warningly swung an old broom. "Better not mess! This has got some crazy itchy bristles on it!"

He lumbered right up and batted it in the chest a few times. The intimidated creature flapped up away and up onto the roof. The entire Shack settled a little under its weight, and several tiles came sliding off and crashing to the ground.

"Come on, go! Shoo!" Melody shook her coin can harder. "Shoo! Shoo!"

The gigantic creature moved to the edge of the roof, winced and hissed. The determined woman took out another can and doubled the intensity of her metallic clamor.

"You asked for it!" Soos grabbed a ladder. "I'm gonna get up there and broom ya good, dawg!"

The dinosaur soon had enough. With another shrill cry it took off into the air, leaving the only slightly fazed family in peace.

"Whoa, so which one was that? Third time this month?" Wendy asked out loud.

"I...think so." Melody searched her memory. "Yeah, third."

"Man, feels like there's at least one new one every year." remarked the lanky redhead.

"Yeah. But I'm just glad this generation scares so easily."

"Great, and their population's still rising." Ford sighed. This was a trend he'd been observing with increasing dismay over the past few years. "Okay, so can someone-"

"Oh boy, here we go." Stan rapidly guessed where this was going.

"Can someone please tell me how was it that after meeting living dinosaurs for the very first time, how was it that no one thought to make sure that underground cavern they were coming from was permanently closed for good?"

"...Because we were too busy saving Waddles?" Mabel's apologetic smile softened her great-uncle's annoyed expression.

"I understand where your focus was that day." He conceded. "However, certain adults could have stopped to do some thinking at the time and….."

"Well excuse me, Mister Braniac! Sorry I didn't stop to think every single frreakin' thing out!" Stan said sarcastically.

"Stan, you-"

"C'mon, I had just fought a dinosaur with my own fists before we got out of there! We had almost turned into some big lizard's lunch! You can't blame us for just wanting to be done with all of that!"

"You could have at least thought to come back a few days later to make sure that cave entrance was closed for good!" opined Ford.

"Hey, I wasn't the only one who went down there that day!" He looked to his great-nephew.

"What?" Asked the skinny young man.

"You know kids, if anything, you probably shoulda be the one to head back and check things out."

"What? Grunkle Stan!" Dipper was not about to sit idly by and have all the blame piled onto him.

"Kid, let's be real! There's nothing you won't try and stick your nose into! You shoulda been at least a little curious enough to go back and see…..no, actually you should've been like, crazy curious! There's nothing that you won't-"

"Grunkle Stan, I-"

"Stan, the children were still getting used to everything around town." Ford cut in. "They hadn't even seen their first zombies yet! You can't expect them to be on top of everything in those kinds of circumstances!"

"This think-of-the-kids stuff is pretty rich coming from the guy who gave a twelve-year-old a crossbow!"

"Stanley, you were already well-familiar with all the abnormality around here long before the twins came. You had literally years of experience! And so I say responsibility was on you to remember to make sure that no more dinosaurs could escape…."

"You know…...I probably shoulda followed up after the pig rescue…." Soos was now starting to feel guilty. "I mean, it wouldn't have taken long to swing by the old church, and….

The chubby man's confession went ignored as the elderly brothers continued to bicker.

"Hey, there was a lot of other stuff we were dealing with at the time! Like, not losing the Shack, and…..something else…..what was it…." Stan sarcastically pretended to try and remember. "Oh yeah, figuring out how to finally get you back! Seriously, give us a break."

"I realize you were a bit occupied. But still, an underground cavern where living pterodactyls are actively nesting isn't something you can't have completely forgotten about that easily, even with other things to focus on." He argued. "You had just encountered living fossils. Surely someone must have at least thought about maybe going back to do a quick check to see if any more had gotten out-"

"Hey, speaking of things some of us don't really get, here's another big mystery we've had goin' for awhile now. How the heck do those big lizards keep surviving the winters up here?" Stan glared right at his brother and added, "Pretty sure I remember someone volunteering to take point on trying to figure that out a looooong time ago."

As soon as he was called out, Ford immediately became a little more subdued. He rubbed the back of his neck and mumbled out his excuse. "Yes, uh….well, I've been busy. The winter lull has been a prime time to travel elsewhere for investigations."

"We didn't travel anywhere last winter 'cept for Christmas with the kids." Stan reminded. His increasingly flustered brother nodded.

"Well, last year I was fairly busy tracking the yeti migration patterns-"

The massive family debate was abruptly ended by flap of wings overhead and a thud. A smaller, brown-speckled pterodactyl had just landed right on the property. Thankfully it ignored the family entirely, and instead was curiously nosing at the colorful homemade bird feeder that Mabel had hung on a nearby tree just the day before.

"Hey, no! Not for you! Bad dinosaur! Bad!" She stood up scolded. "Those are for birdies! Not for you, Mister Greedy!"

"Shoo! Shoo!" Melody grabbed one of her cans and started rattling aggressively. "Shoo!"

"Watch out, I'm gonna broom ya!" Soos darted at it, and it took off with a startled cry.

As they all watched the fleeing prehistoric pest turn into a blur in the distance, Dipper voiced a fair opinion. "You know what? How about we agree that we all kinda dropped the ball a little on this one…."


	85. Odds and Ends - 12

And here's the next installment of today's back-to-back combo! After this batch of shorts, I'll try and see if I can cook up anything appropriate for the month of October. I haven't hit upon story-plot gold or anything close to the sort just yet, but I'll give it a shot nevertheless!

In the meantime, as always - hope you enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

_**"The Big Softie"**_

Mabel thought that today's little sibling-time outing couldn't have gone any better. But that was before she cracked that one final joke literally just as she pulled into her driveway. Seconds later she was giggling so much that she almost bumped into her garage door before she managed to stop and put the car in park.

Dipper meanwhile was busy nursing his face and wincing up a storm. "Ow….ow…..ow….."

Laughing so hard that some of your milkshake shot out of your nose was unpleasant enough. But laughing so hard that cookies 'n cream milkshake came shooting out was a whole other level of discomfort. Dipper was pretty sure he had just discovered a new form of torture that he frankly wouldn't he wish on his worst enemy. But as he wiped the painfully chunky dribbles from his sore nostrils, he still managed to flash a weak smile at the sight of his twin doubled over and clutching at her aching sides.

"Nice to see that at least one of us had a good afternoon." He remarked.

"Ohh, _thbbbt_! Everyone has the best time when Mabel's around! You'll be able to look back on this and laugh your butt off soon enough." She flicked his cap brim.

"Probably." He conceded, and as he wiped his nose again he decided, "We really need to do this more often."

"YEAH!" Her enthusiasm spiked, then instantly dampened as soon as she glanced towards her house. "Well….actually…."

"You okay?"

"Maybe we should wait a while before doing this again." She suggested.

"Huh? Wait, why?"

"So we don't have to leave Wen-Wen all alone with the babies again so soon. You know, so things can be more fair to her." Mabel explained. The blaringly obvious guilt in her tone helped her twin quickly pinpoint what was the matter.

"Mabel, we….ow. Wait, just a sec." He needed to wipe his aching nose a few times times before he could give her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Mabel, we talked about this before."

"I know. I know." She finished off the last little bit of her chocolate peanut butter swirl milkshake. "But…."

"But what?"

"It just doesn't seem….fair." Mabel protested. "I mean, think about the big picture here. This great lady goes and gets her dream guy, but before she even gets officially hitched to him, she has to go get stuck helping me out."

"Bue we talked about this before." He gently reminded her. "You know Wendy that doesn't feel that way at all."

"Yeah…." she fidgeted with the straw from her shake.

"Look, if anyone knows how unfair it is when someone runs out on a family with kids, it's her. And so if anyone is going to really want to be there for you and the twins, it's her." Dipper spelled it out.

"I know….but-"

"Plus, it's not like she's helping out just because of some sense of justice or just because she's married to me. You've been one of her best friends for literally years. More than that, you've been the closest thing she's had to a sister, ever! How many times has she told you that? This whole in-law thing you have now only makes something official you've had forever!" THe dutiful sibling wouldn't let up. "You're family to her! If anything, that probably makes her want to be there and help out twice as much!"

Mabel mulled over the bombardment of undeniable truths and managed to crack a sheepish smile. "Yeah, probably."

"Probably?" Dipper raised an eyebrow. "Mabel..."

"Yeah, I'll take that back. Wen-Wen would do anything for us, and she'd be totally cool with it, not matter what." She stated with a little more confidence.

"And that's a fact."

Thanks, bro-bro." She blushed. "Sorry about that. I think I just got a stupid case of worrybrain back there."

"We can't have that. Freaking out over everything is my job around here, remember?" Dipper's well-timed self-deprecating joke got a giggle out of her.

"Yeah, I don't want to step on your toes or anything." She teased.

"Seriously though, the last thing we need is two people trying to function with my anxiety level." He dug at himself again. After they shared a laugh together, he spread his arms wide. "Awkward comforting sibling hug?"

"Awkward comforting sibling hug." After they wrapped things up with clumsy embrace in the car, they clambered out and began to head up the front walk. But as they neared the door, her mood dipped again. "Blaaarrgh. I can't believe I keep acting like a stupid butt about this. Of all the…."

"Hey, I definitely get it. But seriously, trust me when I say Wendy's find hanging out with you and the kids so much." He was quick to reassure her again. Dipper thought a moment, then tried a different track. "Maybe next time you can also try remembering this. She's not from a small family. She probably likes the whole set-up we a lot more than she lets on."

"I hope she…" Mabel opened the front door and they both immediately heard an unfamiliar comical squeak of a voice.

"...Whoooo! That was totally nuts. But no more crazy saggy diaper for you, huh? Who's all super-clean now? Huh? Whooo's all clean?"

The twins shared a curious look before they went into investigatory mode. Wordlessly they peeked into the living room at the redhead who clearly had no idea that her husband and sister in law had returned. Wendy was clearly oblivious to the world as she lay sprawled out on the floor, with all her attention one hundred percent focused on her three-month-old niece and nephew. She raised Finn up and down in her arms while Gladys lay contently snuggled on top of her her chest.

"You're all clean! Yeah you are!" Wendy continued to coo. "Your aunt handled those dirty dipes like a boss! Boosh!"

She lowered him briefly to nuzzle his forehead. " And you thought you and your sis were gonna me with a one-two combo like that, huh? Weren't ya? First one of you leaves me a disaster in your pants, and then the other gives me round two just a couple seconds later? Huh? Well nice try!"

She twisted her face up into a mock-stern look. Finn waved his arms and let out a squeaking laugh. "Oh you like that, huh? You like being my little toxic waste dumps? Is that it?"

She lowered him again, this time to blow a loud, wet raspberry right on his chubby cheek, and he exploded with another laugh.

"Maybe I should just start calling you guys the Poop Patrol. How's about that?" She joked. After propping her nephew onto her chest she picked up niece and gave Gladys a turn hovering above her head. "Oh no! Everyone hit the deck! Incoming stinkbomb coming right at us!"

What came out of her mouth next was an imitation of an air-raid siren, followed by the her best airplane noises as she hovered her niece around. The symphony of silly sounds made both babies explode with together with fresh laughter. Wendy joined the two with a hearty cackle as she drew both of her little crew into her arms. She adoringly held the two close as the sounds of their joy echoed all through the little house.

It was at this point that Mabel and Dipper stopped watching. They looked to one another and it immediately became clear that neither one of them could hold it in any longer at all. Moving as quickly and quietly as they humanly could, they slipped back outside, gently shut the door behind them, and raced off. The two bit their lips hard as they ran all the way to the end of the little driveway, and once they were in the clear they let themselves erupt.

"See? Told you." Dipper managed to tell his twin after their laughter finally subsided a few minutes later.

"Ooooh, I see alright." Mabel giggled with relieved glee. "Mabel sees it one million percent."

They needed another minute or two to compose themselves. When they finally calmed down enough, she thoughtfully suggested, "Sooo….you ready to knock and tell her we just got back?"

"Sounds like a plan." Dipper agreed. They headed up to the front door for the second time. However, their "official" entrance was delayed by one more burst of laughter that they both needed to work out of their systems.

"I've never, ever heard Wen-Wen use that voice before." Mabel tittered adoringly. Dipper leaned in to let his twin in on a secret.

"Honestly?" Admitted the surprised young man. "Me neither…."

* * *

**_"Overstay"_**

The woman slowly hunted through the stacks that surrounded her on all was room upon room, row upon row, and shelf after shelf of tomes of all ages, shapes, and sizes, and subjects. There were literally thousands of them there, all for the taking.

However, she didn't want a single one of them. She was here for something else; something far more important than even the rarest volume there in the entire cavernous building. Her bright emerald-green eyes scanned every single nook and cranny that she encountered. She used all the old tricks her legendary father had passed on to her to make sure that she left absolutely no space unchecked whatsoever as she searched.

Suddenly the sound of nearby footsteps echoed out, and she froze. They were faint at first, but the young woman quickly calculated that they were headed directly her way. She waited, and a few seconds later a stooped figure emerged from behind a shelf.

Wendy didn't need to say a single word. As soon as their gazes met, she was given a knowing nod and a gentle wave of them arm. She motioned her thanks, and now the two of them plodded through the stacks and rooms together.

After entering one room, the stooped figure suddenly stopped, then pointed to a spot next to one of the windows.

"Should I-" She started to whisper.

"No thanks, I got this." Wendy replied. The corners of her lips twisted into a smile as she gazed upon unconscious pair in front of her. Laying sprawled curled up in a worn armchair was a scrawny twig of a young man with a tiny crimson-haired little girl curled up in a tight ball in his lap. Both managed to have their faces completely buried inside open books as they both slumbered deeply like a pair of logs. As she went to go wake up her clan, Wendy turned and nodded gratefully to her helper.

"Thanks a bunch, Kerry."

"Oh, it's nothing. I've been happy to do it before, I'll be happy to do it next time. Besides, it's the least we can do for our VIP patrons." The young woman joked. After resting for a moment and straightening out her ponytail, she grabbed her stack of books, stooped over under their weight and headed off to take care of her reshelving.

Wendy very delicately lifted Phoebe up into her arms. Once she had secured her daughter into a secure hold, she leaned over and gave her husband a soft nudge.

"Hey." She whispered. "Hey. Dude. Hey."

"Huh?" He cracked upon an eye to find his wife's hovering just a few inches away. DIpper shot up and went rigid. "Wha-"

"Shhhh!" She glanced down pointedly at the little four year old in her arms. Dipper immediately pursed his lips shut and muffled a startled yelp. Stifling a chortle, she nudged him again with her head until he got up from her seat. "C'mon."

"Yeah, okay. Waitamoment." He mumbled as he clumsily gathered up a pile books for checkout.

"Looks like you and your little pal had a good time." Wendy affectionately teased.

"Yeah. Sorry, we had finished up with errands and decided to stop in quickly, and….." Dipper checked the time and saw how much time had elapsed. "Oh, jeez! Wendy, I'm sorry-"

"Don't worry." she chuckled.

"I know. Still, I should've given you a text or at least something to let you know we were swinging by here." He guilted himself. "I really should have-"

"Seriously doofus, don't worry." She laughed. "It's fine."

Wendy thought a moment, then chuckled and added, "And it's gonna be fine next time too."

"We'll still try and be better next visit." He promised with an embarrassed grin. She chortled adoringly.

"It's okay, you can zonk out here in your little haven whenever you like. It's cool." Wendy chuckleed as they headed towards the circulation desk, loaded up with books and a still-slumbering baby girl.

"You sure?" Asked her neurotic husband. "If this is starting to get annoying or anything, you can just-"

"Trust me, I'm sure." She calmed him with another laugh and a bright smile. "Out of everything I've ever had to hunt down in my life, my dorks have always been the easiest thing to track..."

* * *

"_**Pun-ishment"**_

The little noodle-armed redhead was beaded all over with sweat and gasping for breath as she came to a sudden stop in front of the little house. She hit the brakes and her tires squealed beneath her. Phoebe Pines then let her bike tumble over as she jumped up and rushed to the front door. After a couple knocks and a ring of the doorbell, a rosy-cheeked woman appeared.

"Ooooh, looks like a got cutie-pie delivery!" Mabel joked, then affectionately greeted "Hey there, Fee-Fee!"

Before her niece had time to reply, she wrapped her up tight in a customary bone-bruising hug.

"Hi Aunt Maymay." Phoebe managed to gasp out. "Where's-"

"They're in Finn's room." Mabel nodded towards the other end of the one story home, where loud music could be heard blaring. As the little girl shot off she made sure to sing out after her, "You kids have fuuu-uuuuuun!"

"Guys! Guys!" Phoebe was already babbling at the top of her lungs the second she left her aunt's arms and started racing down the hallway. She reached into her backpack and fished out a journal that was filled to bursting with fresh handwritten notes. "You't not gonna believe this! I'm not totally positive, but I'm pretty sure that there's the old remains of a….okay, that's going to take some time to explain, but it's literally right below the old City Hall building, and….."

She stumbled into the room and encountered a scene that could best be described as "interesting," even by Pines standards. Her older cousins were currently dancing about like there was no tomorrow. Their limbs flailed about and they let themselves go wild while they grooved to the beat blaring from Finn's laptop. Now while a Random Dance Party For No Reason was a time-honored family tradition, what made this spontaneous celebration very confusing was the fact that the both of them held a jar of fruit preserves in each hand as they boogied.

"Heeeeey, Phoebe-Phoebs!" Gladys whooped.

"Yo, Phoebs!" Laughed Finn. Neither one stopped their dancing for even a second as their bewildered cousin watched on.

"Uh….h-hey?" She greeted softly.

"What's up?" Finn asked. "You got something for us?"

"Yeah, I do, but…. what are guys do-" She took another look at the fruity contents in the jars and all the pieces fell into her place. "No! Nonononono, don't-"

"Ohhhhhhh, so you want to know?" Gladys winked before she performing a twirl.

"No! No, I don't!" The younger girl refused. "I don't wanna hear-"

She tried to back out, but one of her cousins quickly danced over to the door and closed it with a bump of the hips.

"Too late, you already asked!" Finn chuckled. He and his sister now started dancing around and around their dread-filled little cousin. Both the siblings took special care to wave the jars and their colorful, mushy, fruity contents right in her face.

"Don't say it!" Phoebe pled. "Don't say it! Don't say! Don't-"

"Why, we're just….. jamming out to some music!" As soon as Gladys hit the punchline, both she and her twin collapsed to the floor, incapacitated both with laughter and with weariness.

Phoebe meanwhile slumped against the door. After letting out a long, loud and justified groan, she slid and mumbled incredulously, "Seriously?"

"C'mon, that's comedy gold there, Phoebs!" Gladys tittered and held up a jar of blueberry jam. "Look! See? We got-"

"I know, I know, I knoooooow." Groaned the exasperated joke-victim. "Okay, how long have you been planning this for?"

"I came up with it just last night." Finn proudly replied, and his sister gave him credit with a weary high-five. "All we needed to wait for the right moment."

"And then you sent us then little texty-text saying you had something cool to tell us! Opportunity came knocking right at our door in no time!"

After finishing their ridiculous explanation, the two took paused to gasp in heavy breaths. The little headed looked over flush-faced cousins and asked, "Uh….how long were you dancing for?"

"We thought you were gonna be here earlier." Wheezed Gladys between a hoarse giggle fit. "You said in your message that you were gonna be here-"

"Oh! Uh, yeah. I wanted to grab a few things at the library before I headed over. Sorry." She scratched her head and asked, "So….you just danced with jam until I got here?"

"Well, yeah! We wanted to be ready for when you showed up, silly!" Gladys took a deep breath, set up, and booped her cousin on the nose.

"...I don't even know what to say to this." Phoebe confessed. "I just don't."

"We do." Finn looked to his sister, and after sharing a nod they both chimed together in jubilant unison, "Worth it!"


	86. A Good Match

Just a little something I cooked up today. Enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

The young man moved like a zombie as he wearily shambled into the apartment. He let his bag slide limply off his shoulder before he pushed the door shut behind him with his body and announced himself bluntly, "Hey. Home."

"Hey dude!" An enthusiastic reply rang back. Dipper rubbed his eyes while he shuffled towards the kitchen.

"Sorry about the wait." He apologized. "Just gimme half an hour and I should have something whipped up….for….dinner…."

Dipper was so tired that it had taken him a couple seconds to notice the array of aromas in the air. He found his wife in the process of flipping some freshly grilled deer out of the pan and onto a cutting board.

"Got you covered." Wendy assured. She then looked to her little miniature seated in a high chair just a few feet away and began to coo excitedly, "Look! Look who's here! Dad's home!"

Phoebe slapped her tiny hands on her plastic table and chirped happily.

"Uh….yeah, I….I definitely am….." He awkwardly affirmed. The wiry redhead took one glance at the look on his face and automatically burst out cackling.

"What's up with you?" She laughed. "Surprised?"

"...Kinda, yeah." He admitted after an embarrassed pause that went on for a lot longer than he would have liked.

Dipper had been the de facto cook in their relationship almost ever since they had moved in together. He had really gotten into it during grad school as an outlet to help give his brain a daily break from all his coursework and study, and Wendy had made no attempt at the start of their marriage to cut into his hobby and divide up this particular duty equally between them. Not only did she recognize that cooking helped her forever-neurotic husband relax, but she had also realized very early on that he could make a far greater range of tasty things in the kitchen than she could.

"You know, I really can't blame you. It's definitely been awhile since I've made something decent in here. Or like, anything." Wendy admitted. She carved up the meat, piled it onto two plates with a side of oven-roasted vegetables and placed them at the table "Okay, chowtime!"

"You defrosted the deer steaks in the freezer?" Dipper said incredulously.

"Yup." She replied as she got some forks and knives out.

"Wendy, you really didn't have to do this." He gently protested.

"Oh really?" She raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Well…..I dunno, I thought you wanted to save those for like….something special…."

"Oh yeah, my dad's gonna have a real big problem if I ask him to send down some more." She joked. "Dude, he barely needs an excuse to go out hunting as it is."

"I guess." Dipper admitted.

"Hey doofus, you said some stuff came up at work and you were gonna be home late. What else was I supposed to do?" She asked him point-blank. "Just wait around and watch you throw dinner together when you finally got here?"

"I mean….I dunno, it just doesn't seem fair. Like, with the pregnancy, and doing your part taking care of Phoebe, it feels like the least I can do is….." He watched the amused smile sweep across her face and stopped himself. "Okay, I'm….definitely overthinking this, aren't I?"

"You? Overthink? Naaahh." She teased. Wendy affectionately ruffled his hair and assured him, "I was able to take care of grub for tonight. Deal with it, okay?"

"If I have to." He joked back at her.

"Good. If anything, this is the least that I can do for my guy." She said with a loving laugh, followed up with a quick wink.

Dipper's reaction was instantaneous. First he went rigid with alarm as his mind raced back to a few past moments; specifically, ones were a "Wendy" had lovingly winked at him right before something absolutely horrifying. Soon he was recalling ugly battles in an underground bunker and dreamland phonies dissolving into a pile of writhing insects. As horror instinctively swept through his body he lunged forward, protectively swept Phoebe out of her high chair and then stumbled back a few paces to safety.

He wasn't the only one who had become frantic. The moment she saw his eyes bulge with panic, Wendy knew that she had been a terrible, terrible mistake. Thankfully this situation was not a first for them, and knew exactly what to do. While her husband backed out of the kitchen and into the living room, she launched into damage-control.

"Your real first name is Mason! You were terrified of Santa when you were a little kid! During the Weirdmageddon thing we found each other in the mall when you wandered into my trap!" Wendy began jabbering away at top speed, firing out fact after fact that would hopefully prove she was the bona-fide deal and not some monstrous copycat using her form. "You hit me in the eye with a baseball at Stan's cheap fair! Your mom still doesn't know your arm got dislocated during the first time I visited you guys! Wolves showed up when you proposed to me! You…."

While she bombarded him with intimate details about their lives, Dipper's fear quickly began to diminish. While he steadied himself with some deep breaths, Wendy continued to go at full speed.

"...Your twin sister used our names for her kids' middle names! And their first names are Finn and Gladys! We played Space-Ninjas with them when we were at Mabes' place last weekend! We ended up with Phoebe after a game of Dungeons, Dungeons &amp; More Dungeons one night-"

"Okay, okay!" Dipper signaled that he was convinced. "It's you, it's you, I get it, it's you!"

The wound-up young man collapsed heavily in the doorway with a gasp. Wendy very gingerly approached him.

"You alright?" She checked.

"Yeah…..yeah, I'm fine. I-I'm fine." He could feel his heart pounding away at a mile a minute. Dipper cuddled Phoebe closer for some much-needed comfort. As the baby looked from parent to parent with puzzled emerald eyes, Wendy stroked her head.

"Man, I am so glad you couldn't understand what Mama just said right now." Wendy murmured gratefully to the child. She glanced back up at her husband in time to watch his face crumple up. It looked like he had already hopped on board the Guilt Express.

"Oh dude, no. Don't-"

"I'm sorry." He buried his face in one hand. "I'm so sorry."

"Dipper-"

"That was such a freakout over nothing." He grumbled ruefully.

"Dipper, this was totally my bad." She countered. "I should have remembered that you don't like it when-"

"Wendy, this isn't an okay thing." He objected. "This isn't something we should have to deal with. This isn't something we have to have a protocol for. It's just…."

There was a gentle thud after he turned and leaned his head heavily against the doorway. "It's just so dumb, I seriously don't even know where to begin here."

"Hey, it's not dumb." She shot back.

"How?" he asked. "You're talking to someone who almost gets a heart attack every time you give me one little wink. That's not a normal thing."

"It's not like you don't do it for any reason. If I associated it with you dissolving into a bug-pile or having to slash an exact copy of you right in the stomach, then I probably would freak out every time too.

"I guess." He conceded with the utmost reluctance. After letting out a long, heavy sigh he stood up straight, looked her right in the eyes and asked guiltily, "Okay, just how on earth do you deal with me sometimes?"

Wendy gazed right back, and to his amazement she cracked up on the spot.

"What? " This reaction was making zero sense to the flustered young man. "What? Wendy, what's so funny?"

"You're currently talking to someone who….man, where do I even start….okay, you're talking right to someone whose mom ran away and joined a cult, didn't get to have an actual Christmas until she was fifteen because her dad made her do survivalist training instead every single winter, can do fine climbing around at any pretty much any height at all but hates flying anywhere on a plane more than like, anything in the world, knew how a crossbow worked before she had any idea how to ride her trike, has been arrested on two different date nights with you, and can't handle being around tapestries for long until she starts to get a little panicky. Just to name a couple things." After laying all this out, she then finished, "You have any idea how many times I've wondered to myself about how the he-"

She corrected herself for the sake of the baby. "You have any idea how many times I've wondered to myself about how the heck you you manage to deal with me sometimes? Seriously, you have any idea at all?"

"I'm gonna guess….not a small amount." Dipper said with a weak smile. "Though I'd say probably not as much as me."

"Honestly, I think if anyone was actually keeping score, it'd be a pretty tight contest." As they shared a small chuckle, she give his beard a soft tug. "Hey, you wanna know one of the things I love about you?"

"What's that?" His wan grin grew a little.

"That I get to have someone that can deal with my own special kind of crazy." She drew him in for a bear hug. "So don't let your weird stuff get to you so much when it happens, okay? Don't forget, I'm pretty nuts too."

"I'll keep that in mind next time." Dipper allowed himself a chuckle, followed by a grateful kiss on her freckled cheek. "Thanks for the reminder."

"Anytime. Thanks for being here so we can be weirdos together." She laughed, followed up by a small peck on his lips.

The two then resumed the family hug. Their little moment however didn't last for long. Dipper felt his wife distinctly shudder as he held both him and Phoebe.

"Wendy? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just….." She grit her teeth and shuddered again. Now she was enduring an incredibly unpleasant flashback of her own.

Dipper quickly read all the obvious signs. He had seen her behave very similarly during a museum-date gone wrong when they had wandered into a special exhibit on medieval tapestries. He glanced down at their still bewildered-looking little daughter.

"You want-"

"Uh-huh." In just a few moments they had performed a speedy reversal. Now Wendy was cuddling their child as if Phoebe was a teddy bear, while Dipper in turn gathered her into a noodle-armed embrace. She relaxed only a little, but at least it was an immediate improvement. Wendy rolled her eyes and chuckled at herself. "I so shouldn't have mentioned the stupid tap-"

"It's fine. You're okay." Dipper pat her back and reminded her with a smile and a nuzzle, "You're in good company. Good, weird company."

"I know." She cracked a wan grin. But after another uncontrollable shudder, the corners of her mouth flipped into an annoyed scowl as she cursed the memory of a certain long-vanquished demon. "Crazy psycho triangle….God, I never felt itchier in my entire life…."


	87. Odds and Ends - 13

Got a small creative burst and some spare time, so I was able to write up this trio of little pieces. As usual, enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

**_"The Jogger"_**

"...C'mon …..c'mon, you got this…...you totally got this….keep it up….."

Dipper pumped his noodly arms hard as he jogged down the sidewalk. Thanks to the fact that it was only crack of dawn, there was hardly anyone else up and about. It was practically just him and a near-quiet neighborhood.

"...You're doing fine….you probably got like…. another half mile in you….no problem….no problem at all….maybe….m-maybe another full mile….no problem…..we can definitely do that, right?"

It had been pretty hard going when he first started this new exercise routine about two weeks ago. But after the first couple rough mornings, he learned that with a little bit of self-encouragement, he could handle himself a little better. Experimentation quickly taught him that with a lot of self-encouragement he could handle those a whole lot better, and could push his scrawny body much further.

"Hey, you know what? You probably got….another mile and a half in you! At least! No problem, right? Right! You got this!"

He couldn't argue with the results. Now every time he went out for a run, he could make himself go a little bit longer and a little bit further. However, little did he realize that along with the endorphins being released into his system, his near-constant stream of pep talk was giving him something of an inflated sense of his physical progress, and today he was at it again.

"...What were we even thinking back there? You got at two more miles left in you! You can knock those out before Wendy wakes up, easy!" His already enormous smile grew even larger, and before long it was big enough to almost split his face in half. "Yeah! Yeah! Why not? We got this! We totally got this, no problem! Yeah!"

The neighborhood seemed to be flying by in a blur. It almost felt like there was no one out there who could pound the early-morning pavement like Dipper Pines, at least not with the way he was currently hyping himself up.

"Wait, why even stop there? Look at you go!" He breathlessly jabbered to himself. "You can probably do a-"

"...It's the eye of the brother it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of his riiivaaas! And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's watching us all with the eyyyyyye….of the brother!"

A burst of singing from right behind gave the young man a massive start. Dipper slowed down, craned his head around and met the gaze of a very familiar young woman.

"M-Mabel?" He gasped.

"Morning, bro-bro!" She cheerily greeted. Mabel was appropriately decked out in bright purple shorts, a homemade headband, and a custom made T-shirt emblazoned with the message "Run like a CHIMP-ion" (completely with the cartoon image of a triumphant ape crossing a finish line, of course).

As she ran, she pushed her children along in a twin jogging stroller. Finn squeaked excitedly. Gladys meanwhile had her eyes as wide as they could open as she curiously took in the sights of their ride. Their mother put on a small burst of speed and in no time she was running smack alongside their uncle.

"What are you doing here?" Dipper wiped his soaked forehead.

"I'm getting my workout on, just like you!" She giggled. "You've been going on and on about all your exercise stuff, especially the extra long runs you've been trying to get in on the weekend. And so yesterday I was being all proud of you, but then suddenly I thought, 'Hey! Why not Mabel too?' And so boom! Here I am!"

"Uh…." It was with no small amount of amazement that Dipper noted that the still-relatively new mother of two had barely broken a sweat while she trotted next to him. "Did….did you start your run just a few minutes ago?"

"Nope! We parked by your place, and we've been running alllll over your neighborhood trying to find you. You're one tough guy to track down, y'know that?" She laughed and flicked his cap brim. "Whop!"

While he watched her bound along almost effortlessly, he suddenly began to become significantly more aware of the growing chorus of aches in his muscles. Dipper's pace started to slow down. "Um…."

"Check us out now! We're showing those skinny legs of yours and my baby weight who the bosses are, aren't we?" Mabel laughed. She grabbed her little gut and whooped, "Won't be long until you're taken care of!"

"I-" Dipper was thrown for a stunned loop when she suddenly burst out into the lead with only a tiny bit more exertion. "Whoa! Mabel-"

"C'mon! I'll race you to the end of the block!"

"What? Wait! Mabel-

"Yeah, you're right! We're out here to work out, not wimp out! Race you to the end of the next two blocks!"

"Hold on-"

Let's go babies!" She whooped to her tots. "Weeeeee!"

Dipper could barely believe his eyes as he watched her blast off. The astonished young man tried to keep pace with her. However, she seemed to move like her feet were made out of rockets. Meanwhile the rasping young man nearly tripped over himself several times in his hard fight to keep the ever-growing distance between them at a minimum. In what felt like the blink of an eye she had almost done the friendly competition while he was just reaching the halfway point.

By the time he caught up with her at the finish, his immediately stopped for a badly-needed break. For a moment Dipper looked like he was going to keel over. Mabel was a very stark contrast as she energetically jogged in place, bouncing from foot to foot as if she could go on for miles and miles more.

"We're having a great morning, aren't we?" She gushed to her tykes. "Uh-huh, yeah we are! And after this, we're going to have a nice big family breakfast at your Uncle Dipper and Aunt Wendy's! Yes we are! Yes we ar-rrrrre! Boop!"

After she gave each child an adoring prod on the nose, she beamed at her physically strained brother. "Wow, this is great! I don't know why I didn't start doing this with you sooner! My Mabe-scles are already starting feel like they're toughening up!"

"G-glad to hear." He grunted. His twin kindly waited for him to recover a little. As he wiped the fresh sweat pouring down his face and and gave sore legs a rest, the humbled young man took stock of himself and couldn't help but let out with a raspy laugh.

"Oooh! What's tickling your funny bone?" Mabel was instantly curious. As he continued to breathlessly chuckle, she bent over to put herself at eye level. "What's so funny?"

"First, just lemme say…." Dipper stopped for another deep gulp of air, then gave her a weak grin. "Thanks."

"Thanks for what?" She chirped.

"Before you showed up…...no joking, I-I was seriously thinking how good an idea it would be for me to sign up for a half-marathon soon….."

* * *

**_"Plus Three"_**

"...Oh, hey. Check this out, cutie."

Wendy's stroll through the thick forests of her former hometown was put on pause when a familiar plant caught her eye. She stopped, leaned down and plucked several of its leaves to show them to the latest addition to her family.

"See these? If you've ever running around out here and you get a wasp sting, grab a couple and rub them where it hurts. It's crazy how fast it helps makes the swelling go down." She explained while fondly recalling when her father taught her the exact same thing so long ago.

Seeing as her little pupil wasn't even a year old, it was probably safe to say that today's lesson wasn't going to be a lifelong memory for Phoebe like the one currently bouncing around her own brain. But thanks to the way that the baby always took in all of her surroundings with such curious eyes whenever she was awake, Wendy had already developed a strong habit of thoroughly explaining everything new that they encountered together.

"...Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I was playing outside got stung and was saved a painful trip back home by these. You gotta be real careful though. No matter how crazy it hurts, you want to make sure what you're grabbing. Once I pulled up a handful of poison oak by accident, and that was just…." As she started to stroll through the woods again, she made sure to keep the leaves in Phoebe's sight. Her little girl peered at them intently from the snug comfort of the sling that she wore strapped across her front.

The little first aid lesson wrapped up just as she strolled out from among the trees and onto the property of the Mystery Shack, where two siblings were busy throwing out an old tourist trap attraction.

"Hey Wen-Wen!" Mabel chirped as she reached into a pile of bones constructed out of aluminum pie tins. She picked one up, crumpled it as compactly as she could, dumped it in the trash, then skipped over to coo adoringly at her niece. "And hi there, Fee-Fee! You two enjoy your little walk?"

"Yup." Wendy looked at the makeshift bones and chuckled. "Whoa, Stan's gettin' rid of the pie-nosaur?"

"Yeah, he says it's not drawing customers like it used to." Dipper affirmed as he crumpled up the "rib cage."

"Man, talk about end of an era." Wendy remembered when it had made its grand debut during the twins' second summer. "So what's he replacing it with?"

"Soos had an idea for something that they're working on right now. Not sure what it is, all I know is they took some glass eyes from the jar in the gift shop…." Dipper stood up and stopped mid-sentence as a fat smile spread across his face. Mabel clenched her fists and let out a delighted squeal.

"What?" Wendy raised an eyebrow at the siblings. Her baby let out a tiny squeak of interest, and it was only then that she realized her husband and sister-in-law were looking past her.

She turned around to check what all the fuss was all about and immediately spotted the strange little trio that had just waddled out of the woods and were now heading straight towards her. The small animals looked like a combination of a beaver, a duck, and a lumberjack's wardrobe. Along with their webbed feet, paddle-tails and duckbills they also sported light green and striped fur that was extremely similar to the design on the redhead's flannel. Their coats and her shirt actually would have been practically a perfect match actually were it not for the fact that the little animals only had horizontal stripes covering their little bodies.

"Oh, great." She rolled her eyes, followed by a laugh.

"Helloooo little plaidypuses!" Mabel sang to the new arrivals. But the animals paid the brunette absolutely no attention whatsoever. Their full focus was locked completely on Wendy. The all waddled with up to her and began to squeak as they nudged her ankles with their little bills.

"Hi." She laughed amusedly as they gazed up wat her with beady little eyes. The wiry woman passed her spouse a glance, and Dipper chortled back.

"Sooo….are you going to-"

"As if I had another option here. You mind taking care of Cure-Stuff in the meantime?"

"No problem. Come to Daddy, sweetie." He took their daughter into his arms. Once Phoebe was successfully handed off, Wendy turned and started strolling right back into the forest.

"Should be back soon. Okay, let's go guys." She gestured to her little fan club, who needed no second bidding at all. As they followed after, she chatted up the strange little beasts. "Okay, so just how long were you following me for, anyway? I didn't notice you guys like, at all. Did you just-"

She didn't need to travel very far at all. Before she could even leave the property, some bushes parted and out emerged a full-grown plaidypus, complete with vertical stripes in its fur for the full flannel pattern that only appeared on the adults of their species. The flustered parent saw Wendy standing by her brood and charged with an angry chirp.

"Whoa! Chill, chill!" The young woman briskly stepped several paces back. "It was just a mistake. They saw me and got confused, that's all. Nobody's taking them, see? All yours, they're all yours.. We're cool, okay?"

The mother plaidypus eyed her warily and let out a hiss at the lumberjill. Meanwhile, instead of gathering to their parent, the little babies now were passing confused glances back and forth between her and Wendy.

"How is this even a problem for you?" She cracked up at them. "Your real mom's right there! Look! C'mon, this is a total no-brainer!"

"Awww, they're all mixed up!" Mabel cooed as she and her brother joined. The little plaidypuses meanwhile continued to struggle to figure this out. Even when their mother called for them, they seemed to be extremely torn.

"Okay, what's your guys' deal? This is so not that hard." Wendy buried her face in her hand and let out another laugh.

"Wendy?" Dipper pointed to his spouse's flannel shirt. "You still-"

"Huh? Oh, thanks dude." She couldn't believe she forgot. Wendy quickly slipped it off and hid it behind her back. "Yo, check this out. Are we all clear now?"

Now that she was no longer matching their mother, the answer was a clear yes. The baby plaidypuses bewilderment evaporated in a flash, and they all huddled around their real parent without a moment's delay. Now that her offspring were back, the mother plaidypus gently herded her reclaimed familiy back into the woods. Before she left she made sure to give Wendy one last dirty look.

"It was a mistake!" The redhead laughed as the last paddle-tail vanished from sight. "Chill!"

Bye-byeeee!" Mabel waved. But while the adults were glad to see the mix-up taken care of, Phoebe did not share their sentiments. She let out a disappointed cry when she could no longer see the fascinatingly strange animals.

"Uh oh." Dipper stroked her head.

"You really liked those little guys huh? Don't worry, it definitely won't be the last time you see them." Wendy chuckled at their daughter. "Here's another little fun fact for you...it's never a true summer up here for your Mama until this happens at least once…."

* * *

**_"Campout" _**

In the middle of a small clearing, two young teens and their young cousin lounged around a healthy little fire. The crackle of the flames and the singing of the surrounding crickets mixed with their laughter as they passed a bag of marshmallows around and indulged in one of their favorite games.

"Alright, it's Glady's turn now!" One of the teens excitedly announced as a new round started. She nibbled on a few strands of her hair as she thought hard. "Okaaaaay…...a…..aaaa...aaaaaa…..oooh! A sock!"

"Like, a pair of socks?" Phoebe asked.

"Nope! Just one plain white sock!" The older girl held up a single finger. She then drummed her hands upon her thighs and grinned at her cousin and sibling. "Now, how could Gregrunkle Stan turn that into a Mystery Shack attraction?"

The others went silent as they wondered how their ancient but still extremely wily great-great uncle could possibly bilk tourists with something so simple.

"He could….probably put it on display and tell everyone that it belonged to a deranged killer, or something like that." Phoebe suggested. "And he could charge extra by only displaying it on Summerween and Halloween."

"Ooooh! Creepy and seasonal, I like it! Good one, Phoebs!" Gladys looked to her twin. "Whatcha got, maca-broni?"

"He….couuulld….hmmm….." Finn fiddled around with his stick. "Oh! Got it!"

"Lay it on us!" Whooped his sister.

"He could tell everyone that it's one of the eight arms of a rare socktopus! He could have this whole story where he and Gregrunkle Ford fought a whole pack of them in the ocean, and he cut a piece off one of them in some crazy epic fight! And he could then get Mom to do an artist rendition and everything!"

"Wow! It's a really tough call here…." Gladys chewed her lip, then declared with a smile, "Tie! Point for both of you!"

"Gladys, you can't keep giving use ties every time!" Phoebe laughed.

"Why not? Those were both Grade-A ideas there! You two should be proud!"

"And you can't say that every single time either! Next turn you get as judge, you need to pick just one. That's how the game works!"

"Why just have one when I can have two? Besides, I bet you ten bucks that if I went back to the Shack right now, woke Gregrunkle Stan and told him about these ideas, you know he'd get out of bed, grab his walker and be alllllll over the both of those like…."

While the girls playfully debated, Finn took his marshmallow out from over the fire and proudly looked it over.

"Golden brown on all sides….cooked to perfection!" He then proceeded to unceremoniously wolf it down. After stuffing his mouth, he pat Phoebe on the shoulder. "Hanks foh gettin' the fiah stated, Phoebs."

"Huh?" The little redhead turned and asked. He swallowed down his treat.

"I said thanks for getting the fire started, Phoebs."

"What? Wait, but…..I didn't." She revealed.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, I...thought one of you guys did."

"Glad?"

"Don't lookit me,I thought you guys did it!" Confessed a very confused Gladys.

After they passed one another puzzled looks, all three froze up as realization dawned on all of them at once. With its cover now blown, the "fire" suddenly stood up on four wooden log legs. A pair of blazing charcoal eyes blinked open, and without delay it lunged.

Finn grabbed Phoebe and pulled her back. Meanwhile the creature pounced on the bag of marshmallows and shoved it into its flames. The smell of burned sugar and melted plastic was soon filling the air, as it devoured the entire thing in no time.

"Stupid scampfire!" Gladys yelled. "Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here!"

She hurled her stick at it, half-cooked marshmallow and all. This however did nothing except fuel the beast's body flames and annoy it. It whirled around and growled angrily it her.

Phoebe moved like lightning. She grabbed her water bottle and emptied the entire contents onto the scampire's. It screeched in discomfort. But it didn't even get a chance to turn one ehr before both the twins began digging straight into the ground with their fingers and started shoveling handfuls of dirt on it. The crackling flames rapidly extinguished. Soon the creature was barely anything more than a mere wooded body with a pair of faintly burning charcoal eyes resting on top. It let out a hiss at them before it scampered away.

"Greedy jerk!" Gladys called after it. Finn fumbled around until he was able to find the flashlights. As he passed them around, Phoebe lightly smacked her forehead and reminded herself of the lesson her mother had imparted upon her ages ago.

"Always designate a fire starter, always designate a fire starter, always designate a fire starter…." She mumbled. "Can't believe we actually forgot….always, always designate a fire starter…."

"Yeah, looks like we all were a pair of major dummy-dums tonight." Gladys noted before she wrapped up her cousin in a hug. "It's okay! Nothing we haven't handled before. We took care of it like it was no big dealie!"

"Yeah, but only after it took care of our snacks." Finn kicked a single dirty marshmallow that was lying on the ground.

"Don't worry! Gladys has got us all covered!" She crawled into the tent and soon emerged with her glitter-sprinkled and bedazzled backpack. She opened it up and revealed an abundance of bags of marshmallows. "You seriously think I only brought one bag tonight?"

"Alright sis!" Finn gave his sister a high-five.

"Snackville, population us!" She whooped back.

Phoebe curiously sorted through the goodie stash. "Wow….how much did you pack in here?"

"Enough to make sure we wouldn't run out no matter what, and that includes dumb sneaky hungry fire-monster-thingys! Plus, I brought chocolate and Graham crackers too!"

"Huh." Phoebe quickly noticed something something. "Wait…..so if it's all snacks in there, then where's your sleeping bag?"

"Oh it's….uh…" Gladys went quiet. She peered into the tent and counted. "One...two…..uh oh…."

Her rosey cheeks fired up she went aglow with a bright blush. "Oopsies! Hold on, I'll be right back."

Lucky for her, they hadn't exactly trooped out into the middle of nowhere. She shined her flashlight through the trees and could just barely make out the dim outline of the Shack. "Anyone need anything while I make a run for inside?"

"I think we're good." Phoebe looked around.

"We're more than good!" Finn fished some of the chocolate out of her bag.

"Okay, back in a jiffy!" Gladys raced off, stopped, then returned. "Wait, hold on! What were the answers last round?"

"What?" Her cousin asked.

"Uh…." Finn jogged his memory. "Oh! Socktopus and Psycho-murderer's sock!"

"Thanks!" Before Gladys could head off, Phoebe got in her way.

"Wait, wait! Hold on...are you planning on waking up Gregrunkle Stan while you're inside?" She asked suspiciously, and the look on her cousin's face told her everything has needed. "C'mon, no!"

"Oh it'll be fine after I tell him about what you guys' came up with. If anything, he'll probably be super psyched!" The older girl flashed the toothiest of smiles. "And he'll also agree with me one billion percent that they're _both_ awesome ideas…."


	88. The Mabel Way

Here's just a quick little thing for you all! Enormous thanks goes to Kraven the Hunter for helping me take a little something from Journal #3 and fleshing it out into a full small ficlet. As usual, enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"...How's this?" The young woman turned the journal around to show off her artistic work so far. The old scientist stroked his chin as he examined the half-done drawing.

"Excellent work so far! Just make their fur a little scruffier, and also...well, the escar-goats also had a…..how can I put it….their horns and their shells had something of a special glint in the sunlight Unfortunately I didn't get to find out what exactly what they were made of to make them shine they did. As soon as I got too close to their pack, one of the larger ones tried to headbutt me." Ford tried to explain.

"Don't worry, one special shine comin' up!" Mabel flipped Journal Number Eight back around and got to work again.

This had been a routine of theirs ever since the twins' second summer in Gravity Falls. Back then Ford had realized that instead of sketching all his strange findings himself, it was actually better to describe his new discoveries to Mabel and have her draw them instead. Even if she hadn't been present when he had encountered something new, his words were more than enough for her to work with turn into amazingly lifelike drawings that made his pale by comparison.

"What the heck were you doin' up in the mountains anyway?" She chattered as they lounged togeth on the back porch. "You could have asked us to check it out next time we were up here. Or at least put Soos and Melly on the case. You know how achy your knees can get with heights!"

"I'd have to confess that overexcitement got the best of me again. After hearing about goats with giant snail shells on their back, it's hard to just wait around on a rumor like that until…." As the two chatted, Mabel's tykes romped around in front of the Shack.

"C'mere, squirrelly! C'mere!" Finn laughed as he and his sister chased a bushy tailed little animal all around the backyard of the Mystery Shack. The two incredibly energetic children actually nearly managed to catch no less than three times.

"Itsokay Mistah Squiwwel! We just wanna petya!" Gladys gasped. The relentless twins continued to chase their fuzzy quarry in circles until it ran between Finn's legs and dashed headlong for the woods. Without missing a beat the tykes raced after it.

"Stay in the yard, kids!" Ford called out to them. "Finn? Gladys? In the yard, please!"

Despite his reminders, both the children ran straight into the forest, where they almost immediately vanished from sight. The alarmed old man shot to his feet, giving Mabel a start.

"What? What?!"

"GLADYS! FINN!" Ford called their names again to no avail.

"What's wrong?" She cast her gaze around the property and quickly noticed her offspring weren't in view anymore

"The kids! They just ran right into the woods!" Ford raced down the creaky wooden steps. But he wasn't able to make it more than ten feet from the porch before Mabel sprang up after him, clapped a hand over his shoulder and stopped him in place. He craned his neck around and she flashed a toothy smile.

"Don't worry, Grunkle Ford! It's fine!" She was looking and sounding extraordinarily calm despite the fact that her very young children had just run headlong off among the trees.

"Fine?" Repeated her baffled great-uncle.

"Yup, all fine!" She chirped.

"What….what are you talking about? Since when did we start letting the kids have free range of the forest? Mabel, they're only four!"

Mabel cracked up with a snorting laugh. "I didn't say that they were allowed to run around out there willy-nilly! I just said that everything's fine!"

"How can it be-"

The ground beneath them trembled slightly as some rhythmic thuds filled the air. An enormous wooden arm suddenly emerged from the surrounding woods. In its gigantic moss-spotted palm sat two sheepish tots, both of whom avoided eye contact with their mother and great-great uncle. The massive hand lowered them down towards the ground with an incredible gentleness, and it didn't stop until it was practically resting on top of the grass Gladys and Finn hopped off and headed straight over to their waiting parent. Mabel passed Ford his journal back and approached her kids.

"Okay, now what do we say?" She asked them.

"Thank you!" They turned obediently chorused at the large woody hand that was now withdrawing back into the woods.

"Good. And now what do you say to Mommy?" she asked. As soon as they faced her again the kids went immediately went quiet. They looked at the ground awkwardly shuffled their feet while Mabel patiently waited with arms crossed. After a few moments she asked, "Do we go into the woods by ourselves?"

"Noooo." They kids guiltily murmured together.

"Do we only go if we have an adult with us?"

"Uh-huh." They replied jointly again.

"Weah sowwy, Mommy." Gladys whimpered.

"We forgot." Finn mumbled. "We just wanted to pet the squirrel."

"Sowwy, Mommy."

"We're sorry, Mommy."

As soon as she received their embarrassed and adorable, Mabel's stern look immediately vanished. A fat sprouted on her face before she dropped to her knees and swiftly enveloped them in a big forgiving bear hug.

"It's okay! You two just need to remember next time. We don't want you wandering around and getting eaten by any hungry nasty things, don't we?" She playfully growled at the little ones before she began tickling them while they were caught in her hold. The twins started to squirm and squeal with laughter, and Mabel joined in with her own hearty giggles.

While the trio enjoyed their nice little family moment, Ford unblinkingly stared off into the woods. He had gone dead silent with astonishment.

"Was…..was that…." Even after all that he had encountered over the years, right at that moment he simply could not believe his old eyes for the life of himself.

"See? I told you everything was fine!" Mabel boasted to her great uncle before she quickly noticed the noticed the stupefaction etched all over his wrinkled face. "Grunkle Ford?"

"Mabel? Was that….was that Steve?" He inquired incredulously.

"Uh-huh! Sure was" Mabel affirmed that it was indeed the enormous and incredibly reclusive tree giant who loved in the woods of Gravity Falls.

"He…..he just returned the kids." Ford's face scrunched with disbelief. "He just picked them up, and…..and put them back here."

"Of course he did! It's all part of our deal!" Mabel paused to give her children one more hug and a peck each on the forehead.

"Wait, what? Your...your deal?"

"Yeah! I came up with it after that time when my sweeties accidentally ran way way way way, way, way, waaaaaaay too deep in the woods, and Dip-Dop, Wen-Wen and I spent half the afternoon looked for them. Once we got them back, I was all, 'Whoa, there, Mabel. That was close. You can't just hope that they'd meet some clones of my bro-bro if this ever happens again.'"

"So…..you actually got Steve to help?" Ford pointed towards the forest.

"Uh-huh! Makes sense, right? He's all crazy big and tall ,and can probably see what's going on around him for miles all the time. So who better to keep a watch out in case the kiddoes get silly and start running around in the woods all alone?" She asked.

"But you…..you…." Ford mumbled, still unable to grasp the situation.

"What's wrong?"

"Gregrunkle Ford, you 'kay?" asked Finn.

"Mommy, Gwegwunkle Fowd's gotta headache!" squeaked Gladys.

"No, no, I'm fine kids. I….I just….Mabel, how did you make him do that?" He demanded.

"Do what?" She replied innocently.

"That! Right now! How?!" He burst into a miniature rant as his confusion become too much to bear. "Mabel, that...that is literally the most solitary, standoffish creature I've ever met! It's probably one of the largest things living in the forest, and yet it's so reclusive I've never been able to see its face after all of these years! I've been been able to catch sigh of its legs or feet! And you were able to approach it? How? How? And how were you able to actually work out an actual agreement of any sort with him? The one time I tried communicating with him, I only got to say a sentence or two before he threw an entire deer at me! We're talking about something that doesn't ever want to be-"

"Oh, heresponds just fine if you give him some cookies!" She interrupted. Ford temporarily went dead-silent again.

"...What?"

"Cookies! If you give him a couple cookies, he'll give you a listening ear for a few minutes with no problem!" The young woman was more than happy to elaborate.

Ford now just stared wordlessly.

"And if you promise to give him more every now and then, he'll be happy to help out with whatever thingy you need him with!" Mabel continued to explain.

Ford still stared wordlessly.

"His favorite's oatmeal raisin!" Just then a faint chime rang out from the Shack. "Oh, and speaking of…."

"Yo, Mabes!" They heard Wendy call from inside. "Oven timer just went off! Your-"

"I heard, Wen-Wen!" She bounced into the Shack. "Comiiiiing!"

A few minutes late she reappeared, wearing a colorful oven mitt in each hand bearing a tray of steaming oatmeal raisin cookies. The kids cheered and began leaping around her.

"COOKIES!"

"Cookieeees!"

"Hold on hun-buns!" She giggled. "Don't worry, I made some for us too, but those are inside. I gotta give these to our special friend."

Immediately the tykes stopped crowding her. They skipped over to their great-great-uncle and waited their as their mother headed towards the edge of the property. Mabel tossed back her head and sang out, "Hello? Hellllllooooo! Mister Steee-eeeevvee!"

A rumble replied back from the woods. The young woman held the tray up above her head.

"Guess what I goooot? Fresh and hot, just how you like them!"

The humongous wooden hand reemerged from among the woods and gently took the tray from her between a huge thumb and equally gigantic forefinger. A deep chewing emanated from the cover of the thickly-packed trees. Something spat, and the saliva-soaked tray fired out and landed near Mabel's feet.

"Now, what do we say?" She asked as she picked it up.

Another low rumble responded, and, the young woman beamed appreciatively.

"You're welcome!" She then turned around and motioned to the twins. "Okay, c'mon everyone! Snack tiiiiiime! We got some baked treats and some cool glasses of milk that just can't wait to get inside our bellies!"

Her kids whooped and squeaked joyously as they eagerly followed her inside the Shack. Ford remained outside, frozen in place as he gazed silently into the woods. When the utterly astounded scientist returned to the present, he opened up his journal started scribbling away, reading aloud to himself while he wrote.

"I don't know how she keeps doing it, but today my great-niece found a whole new way to amaze me..."


	89. The Pick-Me-Up

Dipper Pines slumped on the sofa in a dispirited heap. He felt like today had not been very kind to him. And unfortunately his wife unfortunately couldn't be there to give his spirits a boost; Wendy had taken Phoebe on a brief trip north to Oregon to visit the rest of the Corduroys, and all she could managed for now was a texted promise to give him her full attention as soon as she found some time to videochat with him later. Fortunately for the young man, he lived only a mere ten minute drive away from a refuge where he could always come to decompress and vent, just as he was doing at that very moment.

"...You should have seen the look on her face. Jannette was only a few seconds away from screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, or socking me in the face. I mean, I have no idea how she managed to keep herself together after that." He lamented guiltily.

"Oh c'mon silly, I'm sure she wasn't actually going to punch you or anything." Mabel cheerily shot back.

"Okay, probably not." He conceded. "But it sure looked like it. I mean, after all the work she put in on that ceremonial bowl, and-"

"But you said that it was already in like, a bajillion pieces when you guys first dug it up out in Nevada, right?" His sister reminded. "So think of it another way! It's not like you broke it or anything. You just accidentally turned it back into what it used to be."

"Yeah, after she's spent the last few days meticulously putting the entire thing back together piece by piece." Dipper sighed as he replayed the terrible fumble he had made only a few hours earlier while at the museum. "I had one thing. I had to do just one thing. She asked me to pick it up and move it to a shelf for her, and that's all. That's literally all. And I barely had it in my hands for a second before I…."

He trailed off while he recalled the stunned expression that his colleague had worn as she stared wordlessly in disbelief at the literal ruins of her hard work scattered all over the floor. "Oh, man. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I manage to get my pants on in the morning sometimes."

"Pffft! It was just an accident! Sure, it's dumb that it happened, but you can….."

Her twin wasn't listening. As he gazed off blankly ahead, he erupted with a long, despondent groan, he let let himself slide limply off his sister's couch and onto the floor.

"Uh ohhh!" Mabel sang knowingly. She was still nothing but smiles as she lay down next to him. "You're doing the thing again!"

"What thing?" He asked distractedly.

"The thing where you get super stressed out, go beat yourself up and then act like you're one of the most awful people in the whole entire world." She explained. "Which you're definitely not."

"I know, I know, I know, it's just….it's just what it feels like right now." He sighed. "Sorry you have to hear so much about a whole lot of nothing-"

"Noooo, don't apologize! It's fine! Plus it's a super easy fix too!"

"That so?" He turned his head and met her shimmering optimistic gaze.

"Oooohhhh yeah. C'mon you big dummy-dumb, you know you're not just a big walking mistake pile. You're just a guy who has bad days like all of us! In fact, you're more than that! I'd say when it comes to people out there, you're one of the tops!"

"Thanks," He cracked a weak ghost of a smile. "But I feel like you might be stretching it a little here."

"Mabel doesn't need to stretch anything! Heck, I don't even have to give the bazillion examples of all the crazy monsters and stuff that you've faced down, or remind you about the time that some skinny noodle-armed guy managed to save the whooooole entire world! With a little help, of course." She added. "Just let me ask you a couple things okay?"

"Uh, sure." Dipper nodded.

"Now who was it who showed up for me as soon as my stupid nutt ex-hubby got cold parent-feet and ran off? Who was it who helped sure I had everything that I needed while I got puffier and puffier for a couple months? Who was it who got me to the hospital as soon as the big moment started to happen? And who's been there for his adorable little niece and nephew right from the start, ever since they were teeny-tiny little newborns? Hmmmm?"

After peppering him with questions, she rubbed her chin and pretended to think.

Dipper meanwhile managed a genuine laugh. "I….think I'll go out on a limb here and guess me."

"That's right! Boop!" She tapped him in the nose while she used her free hand to make a quick gesture that went completely unnoticed by her twin. "You sir, are hands-down one of the best bro-bros, one of the most terrific twins, one of the most spectacular sibs, and an unbelievable uncle! And that alone makes you one of the best people out there, ever!"

"I'll admit that I try and do my part." he understated, and she blew a wet raspberry at him.

"You do way, way, waaaaay more than your part! You've been the best brother, and you've found a way to be an even better brother when it's super-counted! And that makes you a great guy, end of story, no ifs, ands, buts, or butts about it." She announced. "Got that?"

She aggressively booped his face again. He chuckled and gently swatted her hand away. "Okay, okay, I got it."

Mabel's grin grew even wider as she watch his mood visibly improve. "Good! So whenever you have a crumby day and are feeling like a jerk, just remember this. No matter what kind of mistakes or dummy things that happen, that's never going to make you into a bad person. Not when you're the kind of guy who's always going to be right there, ready to catch his family whenever they fall!"

After this enthusiastic and heartfelt declaration, she waved her hand. A moment later Dipper learned that the last bit of her pep talk had been both metaphorical and literal when two toddlers that had crept unawares onto the sofa launched themselves off the couch and directly onto his body.

"Whenevah we falllllllll!" Gladys managed to get in a mid-air cheer before she landed on her uncle's legs. Finn meanwhile plopped full-force onto their uncle's boney chest with a whoop. Laughing shrilly, the two clambered up and gave him big hugs around his neck.

"Something tells me this wasn't spontaneous." Dipper gasped the obvious. Mabel got up on her knees and happily fessed to it with a giggle and a vigorous nod.

"Uh huh! Came up with it a few weeks ago for the next time Uncle Dip-Dop got super-stressed and super down in the dumps. We even had a couple rehearsals. Isn't that right, hun-buns?"

"Yeah!"

"We weah weady!"

"That's right!" Mabel gave each of her tykes a pat on the head and then loomed over her twin with a titter of anticipation. "So, you feeling better now?"

"Mentally and emotionally yes." He admitted with a small smile. But as soon as he tried to give the kids a grateful bear-hug, his brand new aches made him perform a full-body wince hard. Dipper's face crumpled up with discomfort. "Physically though…..not so much…."

"Oooohhh, whooops!" Mabel flinched. As she herded her tots off her sibling she shot him an apologetic look. "Sorry…..guess I could have thought through the finale just a teensy bit more…."


	90. Terror in the Woods - Part 1

Hey everyone! I'm back, at least for the moment. It seems like now might be a good time for a story, so here's a little multi-parter based off an idea that Kraven the Hunter gave me some time back. As usual, hope you enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

Having spent the entire morning traipsing about the woods and trooping from one stream to the next, two tired researchers now headed back to join the rest of their family just in time for lunch. The elder nearly stumbled over a root as he reviewed their findings.

"So, it appears that the local plaidypus population is going to see a small increase this year." Ford concluded.

"Looked like it. But I'll compare with last year's notes just to make sure." Dipper volunteered distractedly as he nursed an aching hand. The minor injury was a nasty little souvenir from the very last clutch of eggs that they had investigated.

"Are you alright?" Ford checked. His great-nephew smiled weakly and shrugged it off.

"Yeah, it only hurts a little. It'll probably feel just fine by the time we get back to the Shack." Dipper then chuckled, "Plus, I can't really blame that mom at all. If I came home early and found some strangers near my kids, then I would be pretty unhappy too."

"That's an understatement, if anything. She gave you quite the nip." Ford observed.

"Thankfully I've had a lot worse…..although now that I think about what I just said, maybe I actually shouldn't be so thankful." Dipper joked, and the two shared a good laugh together.

"What do you think is the worst bite you've gotten?" Ford asked, making sure to keep it specific. To be too general and ask Dipper what the worst injury he received while investigating the paranormal would require the young man at least ten minutes to think it through.

"Probably the time that manticore got me in the arm." Dipper replied, recalling all the stitches he needed thanks to that particular beast's several rows of teeth. "How about you?"

"Hmmmm….." Thanks to his extra years combing the world for everything weird, he needed some time to sift through all his memories. "I'd say that it was the snake-clops."

"Snake-clops?" Dipper raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I think that narrowly wins out for the worst. Wait, I never told you or your sister about that one?" Ford replied with surprise.

"Not that I can remember."

"I'm sorry. Well, it was when Stan and I had stopped briefly in Crete when took that trip around the Mediterranean. One crawled out under a rock right near our camp and took a snap at both of us. Now even though it only had one long fang to go with its one eye, that tooth was sharper than a-"

"Grunkle Ford?" Dipper watched as his great-uncle seemed to completely shut down in an instant. The old scientist ground to a dead stop, and as the color drained from his face his arms flopped limply to his sides. His great-nephew immediately went on high alert. "Grunkle Ford, what-"

He looked ahead and instantly froze. An all-too-familiar figure floated only a few yards away in front of them. As it hovered, it tossed its trademark cane from one jet-black hand to the other, gave a wave, and winked the large eye planted right in the center of its two-dimensional body.

Both Ford and Dipper were initially paralyzed first by disbelief, followed by a sense of horror that defied description. However, the moment that Ford was able to wrench an ounce of control back over his terror-wracked body, he immediately reached under his jacket.

"NO!" With a defiant yell he took aim and fired his trusty laser pistol. But even before he finished pulling the trigger, the familiar figure abruptly vanished. The beam of energy merely struck a tree and fried a chunk out of its trunk. Their hearts pounded furiously in their chests as the two searched all around, but they couldn't see or hear any trace at all of the familiar one-eyed face.

"Was that….did we just….." Dipper babbled. Their faces crumpled tightly as both struggled to comprehend what just happened.

The rattled pair then looked to one another. Then without a word both tore off together through the woods, moving as swiftly as their bodies would allow.

* * *

By the very loose standards of the Pines clan, all was relaxed and peaceful in the packed kitchen of the Mystery Shack. Little Phoebe Pines was sitting in her high chair making her way through a bowl of yogurt, and semi-successfully getting most of it into her mouth. The rest meanwhile thickly coated her cheeks, chin, lips, nose, and there was even a ziable blob on her freckled forehead. Her mother rolled her eyes at the sight.

"You saving some of that later, Cutie?" Wendy chuckled. But before the lanky lumberjill could reach for a napkin, Phoebe was suddenly set upon by her overly-adoring "mini-mom."

"Tch, tch, tch! Lookit this mess!" Gladys clucked in imitation of a stern adult as she stood on a chair and wiped down her squirming cousin. "You big silly, youah not gonna feel vewy full if youah lunchs gets on youah face and not in youah mouth!"

As she cleaned up the little redhead, she failed to recognize the fact that she was no model of cleanliness either. Thanks to some arts and crafts she had been doing earlier, Gladys sprinkled glitter everywhere with every single movement that she made. Phoebe looked to her mother for support. Shaking with laughter, Wendy signaled for her child to wait as she snapped a few photos of the two with her phone.

Meanwhile, another energetic little tot was bouncing around his mother's legs as she stirred a big bowl at the counter.

"Mommy, what's for lunch?" Finn inquired eagerly. "What's for lunch?"

"Food." Mabel replied mischievously.

"But what kinda food?" Asked her son.

"You'll see." She winked.

"Noooo, don't wanna! Mommy, what's for lunch? What's for lunch?"

"Trash salad and stewed butts." Mabel answered, and both she and her little son burst out squealing with laughter.

"Noooooo! That's nottit!" Finn squeaked."We're not havin' that!"

"That's right, what we're really having….iiissss…...chicken salad!" She announced, and both her children stopped what they were doing to hurl their little arms in their air with joy.

"YEAH!"

"CHICKEN SALAD!"

"That's right! And you know what that means?" Mabel took a deep breath and began to sing loudly for them, as per tradition whenever this family favorite was on the lunch menu. "Ooooohhhhh, let me sing you a ballad about the best chicken salad, 'cuz Mabel makes hers with love and tasty…."

Stanley Pines meanwhile sat calmly at the table and flipped through the newspaper, completely used to the madness that surrounded him.

However, Mabel's mealtime number was brought to a very early end with the slam of the front door and a rumble of footsteps as two pale-faced men charged into the room.

"Dipper? What-" Wendy backed out of the way after her husband and great-uncle-in-law hit the floor and crawled swiftly on their hands and knees. Once they were beneath the glass-topped table, both began to hurriedly check its strange stone and metal-reinforced base. They seemed to have completely lost their minds as they thoroughly examined its simple L-shaped feet all the way to the petrified pointed arm. The rest of the assembled clan, including the children, all just watched in stunned confusion.

"...Da-ee?" Phoebe squeaked. There was painful clang as Dipper got up with a start, whacking his head on the bottom of the glass loudly enough to make everyone else simultaneously wince. Ignoring the fresh throbbing pain, he gathered his daughter into one arm and started to herd the rest of the family away from the table.

"Get back!" He barked. "Everyone, get back now!"

"Hey! HEY!" Stan protested as his chair was dragged back to the wall by his great-nephew with a burst of frantic energy. "What gives?!"

"Unca Dippeh, what's goin' on?" squeaked Gladlys after she and her brother were led to a far corner of the room. When her uncle didn't reply, she looked to her mother for answers.

"Uuuhhh…..hold on while Mommy finds out what's making your uncle act like a big crazypants." After giving both her tots a pat on the head she went to go grab her brother's attention. "Dipper? Dipper? Hellooooo?! Bro-bro?"

"Stay back!" He tried to push her away from the table, but she grabbed his remaining free noodle arm and held onto it tightly.

"Stay back from what? What's your deal?" She finally noticed his near-colorless face. "Whoa! What's the matter with you? It's like you saw a…."

Mabel paused. She didn't know how to finish that phrase, since it been ages since any of them had met a ghost capable of giving them a good fright. Meanwhile, Wendy could feel her gut coil tightly as she watched her husband panic.

"Dipper!" She snapped. "What. Is. HAPPENING?"

"We…..we thought we….." He sputtered. "Just now, in th-the woods, we…."

"It's okay. He looks exactly like he did when we left." Ford crawled out from under the table and made conclusion with a sigh of relief. Dipper almost immediately calmed down with a mighty gasp.

"You sure?" He checked.

"I'm positive. Well…..I'm almost positive…." The scientist quickly corrected himself. He and his his great nephew were half-grateful, half-baffled as they shared dazed glances.

"Positive about what?" Mabel asked.

"You guys are bein' weird!" Finn piped up.

"Weeeeiiihhed!" His sister chanted.

"Okay, so either of you geniuses going to tell us what the hey is goin' on here?" Stan demanded gruffly. There was a long pause as the rest of the family waited for answers. Dipper cleared his throat.

"We…..we just…." It soon became apparent that whatever just happened, it was so traumatic that he could barely put it into words. Wendy put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring squeeze. The young man smiled wanly, took a deep breath, and with a great effort he was finally able to painfully force it out, "Bill."

"Bill?" Mabel repeated.

"We saw Bill." said her brother.

"We thought we just saw Bill." Ford hastily clarified after the adults' eyes bugged with disbelief.

"...No. No way." Wendy denied the possibility with a firm shake of her head.

"Bill?" Mabel's very first instinct was to assemble her twins tightly around her, but her initial fear rapidly turned to confusion. "But….waaaaiiiit, but we…."

"Huh? Whadya mean you saw Bill?" said Stan.

"We mean exactly what we just said." Ford shot back at his sibling. "We thought we saw Bill in the woods."

"Like, now?" questioned Mabel.

"Yes, not more than ten minutes ago. He only appeared for a few seconds, but-"

"But how?" Stan pointed to the stone remains of the pyramidal demon holding up the glass tabletop. "He's been nothing but a hunk of rock for years!"

"Yes, but-"

"He's our table now!" Stan grumbled. "Now how's the table supposed to get outside and scare the heck outta you?"

"Stanley, I don't know yet." His brother replied huffily. "All I know is that we just saw something out there in the forest that looked a lot like-"

"A lot? It looked EXACTLY like him!" Dipper interrupted. "The single eye, the flat body, the creepy little stick hands and legs, the stupid top hat-"

"Well, maybe it was somebody playing a trick?" Mabel theorized.

"But who would do that? And why?" Her sibling asked.

"It definitely didn't look like anything someone could make with mere special effects." Ford countered. "Everything about him just seemed so….so…."

"So what?" Wendy asked.

"Real. It just seemed so real. It was exactly as I remembered him, from the unmistakable otherworldly shine that he gave off, the way he floated through the air unencumbered by the physics of our universe….even the way he looked at us. It was like absolutely nothing had changed since we last saw him."

"Last saw him?" Stan still couldn't believe what he was hearing. "The last time you saw him was when you had your coffee on top of him this morning! And he hasn't moved at all since you left! He never moves! He's part of a piece of furniture!"

"I know, but-"

"Listen, there is no way that triangular freak could just pop up outta nowhere. He's been done with for a while now. I should know." Stan balled one of his wrinkled hands into a tight fist. "I literally punched him into nothing. And since then he's just been an ugly hunk of stone."

With a creak of old bones he knelt down and spat scornfully at the petrified remains of the interdimensional demon that had nearly destroyed the town.

"Yeah! A ugly hunka stone!" Finn followed his great-great-uncle's example and spat a messy gob on the table stand.

"Finn Mason Pines!" Mabel said sharply, and he immediately gave her leg an apologetic hug.

"Sorry, Mommy."

"It's okay. You just gotta remember that it's rude to spit." She then shot Stan a disapproving look.

"Uh….I'm sorry too." said the chastened old man. He then straightened himself up and faced his brother again. "Look, I don't know how else I can put it, but I just don't have any clue how you could've just seen Bill all of a sudden right now and-"

"I understand, Stanley. I'm confused too." said Ford as he cradled his head. "It's not something I want to believe. All I know is that Dipper and I just ran into something that looked-"

"How? Just how?" Dipper implored out loud to nobody in particular as he wracked his brain.

"Oooookaaaaay. You know what? Break time. Both of you." Wendy decided that this was enough freaking out for now. She took control and directed the two shaken men to the table and sat them down.

"Thanks." Dipper murmured. He continued to hold his baby daughter close, drawing comfort from his child's wriggly warmth. Phoebe plucked the cap off his head and began playing with it.

"Some recuperation is definitely in order." Ford admitted.

"Maybe you too just got up too early to go egg-hunting. Or it could have been the sun playing tricks on you." The lumberjill suggested while she fetched two Pitt Colas from the fridge.

"Yeah! It was probably just something silly like that! No big deal!" In no time Mabel had whipped up several sandwiches. But as she set places around the table, she couldn't help but note the badly spooked looks in the eyes of her great-uncle and brother. It was honestly hard to recall the last time she had seen either of them so riled up, and it wasn't long until her head began filling with questions. "Or…..a shapeshifter?"

"Huh?" Dipper turned her way.

"Yeah, maybe it could have been a shapeshifter or something!" She set her kids up with their lunch before taking a seat for herself. "Like the we met while exploring Grunkle Ford's bunker lab!"

"It's a possibility…...but a slim one." Said Ford. "The only one of those that I've ever encountered in all my years is currently still cryogenically frozen. Plus, if this is a new one, I'm not sure how on earth it would know what Bill looked like."

"What about the other shapeshifters? You know, the guys that look and talk all funny?" She suggested.

"The Rip-Offs?" Dipper shook his head. "No, no. This thing looked like the thing it was supposed to look like. No mistakes at all."

Wendy studied the look on her husband's face. She still didn't believe that the stone triangle-demon holding up the kitchen table had briefly come alive, but it soon became very apparent that whatever Dipper and Ford had witnessed, it had to be far more than a mere trick of the sun on their eyes. Poor Dipper still hadn't even recovered all his color back. Before she knew it, she was brainstorming theories too.

"Maybe it was like….I dunno….some kind of bird? Like, a three-sided one? C'mon, you can't say that those couldn't possibly exist. Not after everything we've seen around here."

"It's another possibility, yes. But this….this didn't look like any bird." said Ford.

"Wendy, this seriously looked like the real deal. He even had that stupid cane. All he needed to do was that annoying laugh, and it would've been…."

While they all debated, Stan slipped unnoticed from the kitchen. This whole thing was all just so unbelievable. Bill? Alive and well, hiding out in the forest? The notion was beyond ridiculous. He'd eat his hat before he'd seriously consider the chances for even so much as a single moment. It couldn't be. There was no way. After all, he was the one who had personally knocked that lousy demon out of existence. To Stan, this sounded like nothing more than some kind of absurd mistake that needed to get cleared up, and fast. The last thing he needed was his brother cooping himself up down in the basement lab spending several sleepless nights trying to figure a supposedly new mystery out, or for his great-nephew to be wracked with extra anxiety beyond what Dipper regularly cooked up for himself without any outside help.

"Soos?" He sauntered through the Shack's exhibit halls. "Soos? Soos!"

"Just a sec!" The co-manager of the Mystery Shack was finishing setting up the newest display, which consisted of an array of russet potatoes that vaguely resembled celebrities. He readjusted the wig on top the Elvis-ish spud before hustling over. "Hey Stan! Check it out, I'm all done with-"

"Yeah, yeah, I see. Good job." The old man hastily dispensed with compliments. "Listen, you mind taking the truck out into the woods? I gotta-"

"Sure thing!" Soos said without a moment's hesitation, and it was only after agreeing did he ask, "What for?"

Stan sighed and rolled his eyes. "You're not gonna believe this, but..."


	91. Terror in the Woods - Part 2

Wow. This second part got finished much, much faster than I originally anticipated. I don't think part three will come as unexpectedly quickly, but I should have it done before too long.

But in the meantime, I hope you all continue to enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"...Okay, so let me get this straight one more time." Soos continued his struggle to get a grasp on the situation as he expertly maneuvered his truck through the thick evergreen woods. "So Dipper and Ford are like, totally convinced they ran into just Bill floating around and stuff, right?"

"Right." Stan ducked his head to avoid getting smacked by a low-lying branch.

"But….." Soos's brow furrowed. "Bill's like….all totally done with. He's been done with for a while now. Like, didn't we completely waste him when he tried to bring on the end of the world with all the bonkers apocalypse junk?"

"You better believe it. I literally punched that guy into oblivion." Stan very proudly affirmed.

"So….if that's true, then what's that stone thing propping up the kitchen table?" The chubby man asked confusedly.

"It's Bill, Soos. That's still Bill." Stan declared definitively. "Nothing's changed. He's been nothing but a miserable hunk of rock ever since we took him down."

"So…..if that's still Bill, then what did Dipper and Ford see?" Soos wondered.

"That's what we're gonna find out. All I know is that whatever it was, there's absolutely no way it could be some jerk demon." Stan huffed before signaling for them to take a turn.

Over the years he had picked on where his twin's routine annual research took him around the forest, depending on the creature involved. As a result, he had a fairly strong idea of the general vicinity of where the morning's "incident" happened. Stan directed them to one of the nearest streams to the Shack, where Soos brought parked the vehicle. They didn't need to wait very long at all until they spotted a creature that looked part duck, part beaver, and part bagpipe swimming about in the water.

"Okay, this has definitely gotta be the last place those two checked out." Stan declared without the slightest hesitation. "Alright, back to the Shack. Nice and slow though."

"You got it! One smooth cruise, comin' up!" Soos announced enthusiastically. While the mother plaidypus watched warily them from the safety of the stream, the pickup turned around and headed back the way it came. The driver made sure that it moved at a speed that was only a little faster than a crawl, allowing them to carefully scan the surrounding woods the entire way.

"So what should we be looking for?" Soos asked.

"Anything that you could possibly mistake for a floating triangle. A bird, or maybe some kind of carving some punk kid carved into a tree, or whatever. We're gonna find out what the others saw this morning, or else they're both gonna obsess about this like crazy until….I don't even want to think about it, actually. And I definitely I don't wanna deal with it. There's just no way it could've been Bill, and we're gonna-"

Soos hit the breaks and brought the truck to a halt, making the both of them jerk hard into his seat belts. Stan quickly recovered from the hard stop and perked his head up.

"What? Y'see anything funny?"

"I saw…..something." Soos clambered out and took a good long look around. Stan followed, and together they took a good look all around.

"What was it?" Stan demanded.

"Dunno. I only saw it for like, a split-second. It was like, one of those weird, blurry blink and you missit kinda things, but also kinda…..kinda…." He shuddered slightly.

"Kind of what?"

"Not sure. But somethin' about it just gave me the creeps." Soos admitted. He was feeling a strangely familiar sense of dread start to take root in his gut.

"Well maybe that's our answer then!" Stan theorized with grin. "One of the weird what-the-hecks out here just runnin' around like nuts for some reason? Now that can definitely confuse a guy about what he's lookin' at pretty badly."

With eight-ball cane in hand, the old man started to tromp around. He peeked around trees, looked behind rocks, and poked aggressively into nearby bushes. Soos searched too, but did so much more cautiously. Even though he still didn't know what the mere flash of an image he saw earlier was,but it had definitely put him on edge.

"Hello? Is anyone there" The gentle giant softly called out. When no response came, he began to chant, "Heerrreee, thingy, thingy, thingy. Heeeerrreee, thingy, thingy, thingy."

"C'mon, where are ya?" Stan jabbed his cane into another bush and rattled it around. Out jumped a spooked chipmunk that raced up the nearest trunk in a hurry. "Well, you're definitely not it. Where the heck could-"

Stan turned around and suddenly laid eyes on someone he'd never imagined crossing paths with ever again. His heart skipped a beat before the blood seemed to freeze in his veins. Within an instant he had been reduced to a living statue by sheer shock, unable to move a muscle or utter a single sound beyond a strangled rasp of a gasp.

"Stan?" Soos soon noticed that his fellow investigator had abruptly gone quiet. "What's-"

All he needed to do was turn his head, take one look, and immediately he was swamped by a tidal wave of fright. A horrified roar tore from his lungs, echoing for miles around. All at once, every single instinct chorused at him to escape as fast as he could.

However, he definitely wasn't retreating alone. The loyal Shack co-manager sent dirt and leaves flying as he pounded his way towards Stan at a powerful sprint. With one movement he hefted the old man over his shoulder, booked it for truck, and deposited his cargo into the passenger seat.

"DRIVE!" Stan started to holler. "DRIVE, SOOS, DRIVE!"

Soos of course didn't need any extra encouragement. With a squeal of tires his trusty pickup tore off, back towards safety.

* * *

Lunch had long since ended, but the debate wasn't anywhere close to being finished. Ford, Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy remained huddled around the kitchen table, still discussing what in the world could have given the former two such a nasty shock.

"...I don't see why it couldn't have been that shapeshifting witch again." Protested Mabel.

"Because we totally took care of her when she tried crossing us." Wendy reminded. "Remember Mabes? She's a done deal"

"Oh…..oh yeah."

"Seriously, that only happened at the start of this summer."

"I know, I know." Mabel said apologetically as she tapped the side of her head. The brunette perked up again just a second later. Well, maybe she had a sister!"

"If it was one of those, then she would have pounced and tried to feed on our hearts as soon as she got close enough." said Dipper. "Whatever this was, it just hung around a couple yards away from us for a few seconds before disappearing. "

"Maybe we just had some light exposure to…." Ford shook his head. "No, couldn't be insanity ivy. That only grows up high on mountain slopes…."

The children had long since become disinterested and left the conversation, because simply put, Bill was anything but a danger for them to be frightened of. For their entire lives he had been nothing more than the bad guy in some of their most epic bedtime stories, and also the weird statue thing thing that held up the kitchen table at their great-uncles' home.

Fortunately, they still had one overgrown playmate who currently wasn't busy theorizing. Shortly after arriving back from running some errands, Melody had been quickly filled in on the details of the situation. It didn't take too long after this for her to realize she'd be of little help due to her own total lack of experience with a certain triangular demon, so she decided instead it'd be more worthwhile to engage in a nice silly round of Space-Ninja with her "nieces" and "nephew."

"Beep-boop!" She robotically marched around the living room. "Robo-Samurai sensors detect enemies nearby!Arming for mega karate-chop!"

With a comical whirring sound effect she very slowly raised her arm in the air, giving the kids plenty of time to ambush her with pillows.

"Hiyyaaaaa!" Finn yelled as he swung into action.

"We gotcha!" Gladys triumphantly whooped as she gently battered their aunt's thighs with their "laser-swords." The twins' little squirrel of a cousin clambered up to Melody's waist for a playful growl, making the woman break character with a burst of laughter.

"So what kind of space-ninja are you supposed to be?" She chortled at Phoebe.

"One that was raised by dinosaurs!" Finn squeaked.

"What?" Gladys protested. "But I want Phoebe to be waised by moon-unicohns!"

"Moon-unicorns?" Finn cocked his head as the battle paused. It was clear that they hadn't discussed this matter before the start of the game.

"Uh-huh! Moon-icohns!" His sister chirped.

"But why's she rawring if she was raised by moon-icorns?" asked the little boy. Gladys pursed her lips as she thought this over.

"Because she was actually waised by dino-moon-icohns!" She thoughtfully decided.

"Yeah!" Her brother whooped in sound agreement with the compromise. Meanwhile Melody was having trouble resuming her role as the evil robo-samurai due to the fact that she just couldn't stop chuckling uncontrollably at their adorable antics.

Playtime unfortunately was abruptly ended when the front door swung open wide and two terror-stricken men charged headlong inside. The little twins squealed with surprise and took cover behind Melody's legs, and a badly-frightened Phoebe scaled all the way to the woman's neck.

"Soos?" The startled woman exclaimed. "Wha-"

"Keep the kids away from the door, Corn Chip!" Soos said breathlessly. After locking everything up tight behind him and Stan, he grabbed the large old armchair from the living room and propped it up against the door. This was quickly followed by the TV, the T-rex skull side table, and two wooden chairs.

"C'mon, c'mon!" Stan frantically urged while he added on his own contributions to the pile as quickly as he could with his worn old muscles. By the time that the rest of the family had raced on the scene, a considerable barricade had already been constructed.

"Stanley? What are you-" Ford tried to ask.

"EVERYONE INTO THE GIFT SHOP!" Stan roared. "NOW!"

"What? Why do we-"

"JUST GO!" He ordered again. Whatever was going on, it sounded deathly serious. Confused, the entire clan hurriedly reassembled on the other side of the Shack. Stan locked the shop entrance up, and while Soos bodily pulled an entire shelf of souvenirs in front of it, the old man punched the secret code into the vending machine. The disguised door swung open wide, and in no time everyone had been herded down below, packed into the elevator like sardines, and taken down into the bottom level of Ford's subterranean lab.

"Stanley!" Ford demanded as he squeezed free and stumbled flat onto the cavern floor. "What is happening?"

"It's okay! It's okay! Everything's gonna be fine!" Stan assured hastily assured.

"It is?" asked a baffled Mabel while she watched him manually shut the elevator off in a most unassuring way.

"Yeah. We'll be fine! Just….just fine. We'll be okay." He rambled before heading over to a large metal closet, and continue to do so while he rifled through one of his brother's weapon collection. "We just…..just gotta lay low here for like, an hour or two, and I think we'll be in the clear. Right? Yeah, right. It'll be fine. It's all gonna be fine. There's no way she'll be able to track us all the way down here."

"Yeah, we'll be totally safe from….." Soos paused as he blew a small mental fuse. That didn't sound right at all. "She?"

"Okay, so just who is 'she?'" Demanded an extremely on-edge Dipper.

"_Carol_!" Stan bemoaned despairingly.

Every adult there was immediately stricken with befuddlement at the mention of his ex-wife's name. Literally None of them had ever met her, but judging by the stories Stan had told them over the years, the six-month marriage hadn't been a very pleasant one, to put it lightly.

"...Huh? Carol?" Repeated Melody.

"You sure about that?" asked a skeptical Dipper.

But Stan wasn't listening to them. He had now taken to pacing fearfully around the lab while clutching a long-range taser gun so tightly that his knuckles started to go white.

"This is bad…...oooohhhh, this is bad. This is really, really, really, really bad." He then stopped and glared accusingly at his brother. "This is your fault, you know that?"

"My fault?" Ford snapped defensively.

"You better believe it! You thought that our table came back alive just to scare you and Dipper." He accused. "And all I wanted to do was go out there, find whatever it was you mistook for Bill and be done with that whole stupid thing. It was just supposed to be one quick trip out and back, that's all! But what do I get instead? Oh nothing…..except a near heart-attack!"

"Now just hold on, Stanley." Ford motioned for his sibling to slow down. This was a lot to process at once. "So you and Soos went out into the woods….I think it's safe to say you tried to followed the path Dipper and I took, and you say that you saw-"

"The Queen of Misery herself! She was right there, and giving me that same death-glare! Do you have any idea how bad this is? Last time I saw her, she said that she never wanted to see my face ever again! At least, I'm pretty sure that's what she said…..I lost consciousness pretty soon after that." He winced as he remembered that very rough day at the courthouse. "Now what the heck could bring her all the way back up here? Ooohhh, this is bad, this is bad, this is….."

"Wait…..but Stan, you never said Carol looked like a…." Soos attempted to protest, but respectfully silenced himself. All attention in the lab immediately turned to him.

"Looked like a what?" asked Melody. Her husband bit his lower lip and shuffled his feet.

"Wait….why were you so freaked out?" asked an increasingly befuddled Wendy. "You've never seen her before either, right?"

"Yeah…." He sheepishly admitted.

Stan actually managed to stop panicking. "Hey….hey, yeah! You have no idea what she….wait, but you were scared too, Soos! You were scared…..just as much as me. Wait, what the heck…."

"So were you just super-freaked because Stan got all super-freaked?" Mabel chirped.

"Uuuhhhhh….." Soos needed a couple moments before he could truthfully reply to them. "No, it was because of what I saw….which…..honestly, it didn't really look like any kind of lady that I've ever seen before. No offense or anything, Stan."

There was a sizable pause before Dipper asked. "So...what did you see?"

"Ummm…...it was a….a…." He went bright crimson before finally making his confession. "It was a….a British….dog man."

There was a metallic clatter as the taser gun dropped from Stan's grip. "...What You….you serious? You really didn't her at all? Like, at all?"

"Nope." He replied truthfully.

"Soos, the she-devil was right there in front of us."

"Not for me. What I saw was definitely a British dog man."

"Oooohh no." Melody cringed. Immediately she was at Soos's side and patting his back. Many a night had been interrupted by a nightmare starring that strange canine monster that had been haunting her spouse's dreams before they had even met. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure Corn Chip.. We're talking as serious as a dude can be. I was like, crazy positive I was facing the real deal. It was just the most insane thing. First I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye while we were driving. Then Stan and I got out to look around, and at first it was just us, and then, BOOM!" He punched his palm for effect. "Suddenly he was right there. It was the full deal here with the monocle, those droopy jowls, and even that terrible bowler hat and smartly matching jacket! I totally thought I was done for!"

"Alright hold on. So you're absolutely sure you didn't see anything that looked like a woman?" Ford doubled-checked. "Or even remotely human?"

"Nuh-uh. This was pure one hundred percent creepy British bulldog man." He put a large hand over his heart. "I swear."

The silence that followed was broken by an annoyed squeak from Finn. "What's goin' on?"

"That's what I want to know too, kiddo." Wendy started to cradle her head. "Okay, just what is happening right now?"

"Well….the good news is that this doesn't seem like a Bill issue." Dipper sighed in relief as he reached his conclusion.

"And the bad news?" Mabel asked. Her brother grimaced in dismay

"I don't have the slightest clue what kind about what's happening here." He confessed. Yet another silence cloaked the laboratory.

"Well...at least you got a little extra good news to add to the first bit, Bro-Bro." Mabel optimistically declared with a weak smile.

"What?"

She waved a sweater-sleeved arm to gesture to all the other confusion-marked faces surrounding them, and took care to include herself. "At least you're not alone there…."


	92. Terror in the Woods - Part 3

The very particular spot in the forest seemed to have absolutely nothing more than the usual mix of evergreens towering high and moss-covered stones scattered over the leaf and twig-covered ground. The illusion was all thanks to the stealth and tracking skills that Wendy Pines had learned over the course of several "Christmases" and innumerous camping trips with her father and brothers. The camouflaged lumberjill moved about the area like a ghost for a few minutes, searching intently for any signs of what could possibly have spooked four of her extended clan and counting so far that day.

The silent hunt went on for fifteen minutes, but despite all her efforts, she didn't even find the most miniscule clue that something out of the ordinary was going on in this specific patch of the woods. The branch-and-leaf-covered woman finally gave up and emerged out from behind some bushes and into the open.

"Yo, Lumberjill Queen to Mabel the Magnificent." She radioed in.

"This is Mabel the Magnificent!" Her sister-in-law enthusiastically replied back. "Didya find anything, Wen-Wen?"

"If total squat counts as something, then yes." She said sarcastically.

"Really?" Now Dipper's voice came over. "Nothing at all? You didn't find anything?"

"Nope. If there's some kind of whatever out here doing all this freaky mind-messing stuff, I haven't found any sign of it yet."

"Hmmm…..very strange….maybe it's a phenomenon only occurs at a certain part of the day…." She could hear Ford start to theorize in the background. "Perhaps we're dealing some kind of plant? Maybe it releases a pollen that…."

"So….that means you're doing okay right now, right?" Dipper anxiously checked in on his wife. She chuckled at her neurotically dutiful spouse.

"Yup, I'm cool. Like I said, I have found a single-"

The radio fell from her hands and hit the ground with a dull thud. Dipper's tone rose with panic.

"Wendy? What was that? Wendy?"

The stunned woman didn't hear her husband at all. Every single ounce of her attention was currently locked on the tapestry that had abruptly manifested before her. It hovered suspended in midair, and displayed prominently on it was the image of a wiry teenage girl, clad in a green flannel shirt, jeans, and a trapper hat. Her long red hair covered one of her eyes, but the other one was bulging opened wide, as was her mouth. From the way her face was contorted, it looked as as if she was letting out a never-ending scream of despair.

Wendy's boots scuffled against the forest floor as she instinctively backed off. As she gazed about the terrible sight, the young woman instantaneously remembered every little detail of the living nightmare. Her body began to ache as she recalled all the horrific sensations...being instantly and agonizingly changed from living flesh to mere woven cloth in the blink of an eye….no longer a person, yet somehow feeling painfully compressed in her new two-dimensional form….the horrible fear that this could very well be her eternal fate unless her friends defeated the interdimensional demon that had reduced her to this form…..

She planted her feet firmly in the ground and struggled to get a hold of herself. No, this wasn't real. This was just the same trick that had been spooking her family all morning, although admittedly an effective one. She didn't know what it was or why it was here, but it wasn't going to send Wendy Blerble Pines running for the-

Right before she could finish steeling herself, the tapestry suddenly changed. It wasn't a freckle-faced teen caught inside it anymore. Now it was like she was looking into a horrible nightmare-mirror. The trapped woman was quite clearly present-day her, with arms contorted, eyes bulging, and mouth gaping wide in a frozen shriek. Wendy didn't even get a chance to get over this shock when her name was suddenly spoken, and not from the radio still lying a few feet away.

"_Wendy_?"

She instinctively began backing away, but only made it a couple steps before tripping over a rock. The tapestry meanwhile followed, floating closer and closer while it called her again.

"_Wendy_!"

Pure instinct seized control in. Wendy scrabbled around behind her back, and in no time she had her crossbow loaded and primed to fire. After taking hasty aim she fired off a bolt, which only sailed harmlessly through the vision. Meanwhile it continued to repeat her name in a distant, but also oddly familiar tone.

"_Wendy! Wendy! What's wrong_?"

Wendy finally realized that it wasn't the awful image that had been repeating her name. The tapestry suddenly vanished from sight as a blonde woman came suddenly bursting through some bushes and breathlessly headed towards her at top speed. Pacifica Northwest's long blonde hair whipped in her wake as she barreled along in her stylish top-of-the-line hiking gear towards the familiar face sitting armed on the ground not too far away.

"Wendy?" Repeated the confused woman. "Wendy what's-"

Pacifica laid eyes on something that sent her stumbling smack onto her stomach. Hastily she got on her hands and knees and looked up in astonishment at nothing, at least as far as Wendy could tell. "What are-"

The color drained from her face in an instant. "What? W-WHAT? No….no, it can't be! Th-that's impossible! No, I can't….no! No! NO!"

While Wendy watched her friend become rapidly overwhelmed by a mix of shock and despair, she finally noticed her fallen radio nearby.

"...WENDY! WENDY!" Dipper's voice had grown hoarse at this point from the constant, desperate calling. "Wendy, what's going on?!"

"Wen-Wen? Wendy!" Mabel could be heard yelling over her brother.

Now that she was no longer being aggressively horrified, the redhead seized her opportunity to take stock of her situation. She quickly concluded that this one-person excursion was definitely done with, and a tactical withdrawal was now in order. Thanks to her rattled nerves, she didn't feel like she was in much condition to stick around. Meanwhile, Pacifica was definitely in need of an hasty evacuation, and fast.

"...But we just spoke yesterday about…..no! No it can't be!" The heiress screeched.

Wendy moved like scarlet lightning. First he scooped up her radio, followed by Pacifica. With the panicked woman slung over her shoulder, the lumberjill rushed.

"...Wendy, please come in!" Dipper kept calling. "Wendy!"

"I'm here! I'm here!" She gasped as she flew through the woods.

"Wendy? What happened?"

"Just hold on! I'll let you know when I get back!" She glanced at her passenger and then corrected herself, "When we get back!"

* * *

The hard sprint Wendy took back to the Shack actually proved to be a small blessing. The rush of endorphins from the fear-induced exercise had helped her calm down a sizable amount, and put her in relatively decent shape to explain what happened. However, that still didn't stop her from cuddling Phoebe nonstop almost from the very moment the comfort-starved woman was able to get her hands on her baby daughter.

"Ohhhh man." Dipper exclaimed in dismay after his wife finished regaling them of her own incident. "Wendy, I…."

After stumbling for words, he wrapped his noodle arms around her. "I'm so sorry."

She smiled weakly and nuzzled his shoulder. "Dude, it's not like you were the one pulling the strings behind whatever happened there."

"Yeah, but…..I'm sorry you had to deal with that-" He tried to tighten his hug. Phoebe squeaked indignantly to let him know she was about to get sandwiched, and he hurriedly let go. "Gah! Sorry! Sorry, sweetie!"

This gave Wendy a much-needed laugh. She stroked their child's head and assured, "It's fine, I'll live. Besides, I'm doing better than…."

The redhead nodded across the living room, which had been temporarily transformed into the family's base for the investigation. Pacifica was seated on the big yellow armchair, with one of Mabel's sweaters draped around her shoulders and a mug of tea. When Wendy first hauled her in, she had been incomprehensible, and it was only now that her stream of babble was starting to making sense.

"...All I wanted was a quick hike outside!" She lamented. "That's all! Just wanted to get some exercise, maybe stop by here for a visit, that was it! That was it! I didn't want…."

Meanwhile, the little twins were hard at work trying to help calm their "aunt." Finn sat on her lap and hugged her.

"Itsokay, Aunt Pazzy!"

"Yeah, itsokay!" Gladys stood on an armrest and stroke her blonde locks. "Youah gonna be fine! Youah nice an' safe with Mommy, Uncah Dippeh, Aunt Wenny…."

"And Gregrunkle Stan and Gregrunkle Ford and Uncle Soos and Aunt Melly…." Finn chimed in. Pacifica took a few deep breaths, then let her mug tumble to the floor as she grabbed a tot in each arm and squeezed them like a pair of stuffed animals.

"...That was like…..just, the worst." She moaned. Mabel put her on the back before attempting some gentle interrogation.

"So, what did you see?" She asked.

"It...it was the craziest thing. First I came across Wendy going nuts with her crossbow at nothing, and then suddenly Aasif popped right out of nowhere. At least….it looked like him."

"Aasif?" Mabel needed a few moments to attach that name to a face in her memories. "Oh! Your money guy!"

"You thought you saw your personal accountant?" asked Dipper curiously.

"Yeah. And before I could even get over the fact that he was standing right there in the middle of the woods, he just took a form from his briefcase and….and then he showed me…." She quivered. "God, for a few seconds I literally thought it was all over."

"What was?" Dipper kept prying.

"The Northwest Foundation! Just completely done for! He didn't say anything, he just shoved a piece of paper in my face that said the foundation was completely out of money! Not a cent left, just all of it, gone!"

As she told her side of the encounter, Ford was busy writing down the mean details on a large whiteboard that he had set up near the wall. He then stepped back and observed the facts they had so far. "So that's two people who saw the exact same thing….but now four people who each had a completely different visual illusion…."

"It's okay!" Mabel started patting her friend's back again. "It's okay Paz, it wasn't real. It was….well we don't know what's doing it, but we know that it was just some dumb mind trick."

"I know now, but…." Pacifica shook her head. "It was like, my worst nightmare come to life. All those years of work, building the whole charity from scratch, and suddenly all the money, just gone! God, I'd probably have to move out of the West Coast if that even-"

"Wait a second…." Dipper went wide-eyed as realization struck him like a frieght train. Suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle were fitting perfectly together in his mind. With a loud groan, he walked over to the whiteboard and thwacked his forehead against it.

"Dipper!" Ford exclaimed.

"Dude!" Yelped Wendy. "What the heck?!"

"How? How come I didn't see it all before?" The young man just fumed at himself. "Just….how? Just how?"

"Kid, what are you talkin' about?" snapped Stan impatiently.

"I'm talking about what's been going on here this whole time! Bill, an ex, a nightmare dog-man, being trapped in a tapestry, charity bankruptcy…." As he listed off all the horrid encounters in order, he pointed to their corresponding spooked person. "These are all things that scare each of us the most!"

Ford temporarily fell dead-silent as he saw the truth in his great-nephew's words. The old man then started to rub his temples while he sprouted an embarrassed grimace. It was all so obvious now. "Oh my….you're….you're right."

"The only reason we've been confused you and I are scared of the exact same thing, and so that's what we saw! But it still fits the pattern!" Dipper pointed out.

"So if like, that's what's happening…." Soos scratched his head. "Why's this bonkers stuff going on in the first place?"

"Not sure…." Dipper's brain chugged along at top speed as he searched for a good theory. "Maybe it's some kind of a...a….defense mechanism maybe? Yeah, maybe….something using our worst fears just to keep us away!"

"Sounds kinda crazy," Stan commented, but then he added with a nod, "But crazy is usually the fact of the matter around here."

"It definitely sounds perfectly plausible to me." Agreed Ford.

"Did you hear that? Your dad figured it out!" Wendy held up Phoebe in the air and cooed to her. She then transferred her daughter into the crook of one arm before she stood up to give her spouse a hug around the neck. "Nice job, doofus."

"That's our Dip-Dop!" Mabel clapped enthusiastically, and her children joined in. "Smartypants extraordinaire!"

"Uh, thanks." He grinned wanly at the praise, but then cautioned. "Problem is, we still don't know what's making these illusions in the first place."

"Well, then we just do what we always do, dude! We get a group together, head out to where all the freaky stuff's been going down, and then we….try and….." Soos's optimism was quickly dampened as he recalled their day so far. "Oh, right…...yeah, we've kinda been already doing that. Uh….anyone got any different ideas?

"All I know is not I'm not leaving here anytime soon." Pacifica flatly announced. The gang spent the next few seconds sharing silent looks with one another as they wracked their minds.

"I'll go." Mabel suddenly spoke up.

"What!?" Dipper reactively yelped. No one on this planet knew the young woman better than her twin, and so no one else knew what made up her worst nightmares better than he did. Simply put, it was not something he wanted her to endure, even if it was only going to be mere illusions.

"No, I'll go." She volunteered again. "Almost everyone else has gotten their own spooky freakout thingy already, so why should they have to deal with it twice? Plus, I know what I'm up against!, kinda!"

"Okay, but…." Dipper took her a little aside, and the siblings started to debate in hushed tones. Everyone stayed back to let the siblings have their bt privacy, and had to make do with just small overheard snippets of their game plan. "If you go, then…."

"...Wait! I got an idea. What if I…."

"...That….that could actually work pretty well."

"See? I'll be totally…."

"...But you're not going alone. I'm coming too."

"But what are you going to do? It's not like you can't bring the…."

"...Right. But….wait, maybe if….."

After a little more debating the two came to an agreement with a shared nod and a fist bump, followed by a determined chorus together of, "Mystery Twins."

"What just happened?" Pacifica asked as the two turned to face the rest of the gang.

A confident grin swept across Stan's face. "Somethin' tells me that the gremlins here just cooked up a nice game plan…."

* * *

Not long later, two siblings were hiking through the woods at a steady pace, with Dipper taking the lead.

"We there yet?" Mabel chirped.

"Yeah. I think just about." Both came to a stop. Dipper removed a strip of cloth that he wrapped around his eyes. His sister knotted it tight behind his head, and once the blindfold was in place she guided his hand to the back of her sweater. He grabbed hold of the knitted wool, and now she was the one who lead the way. As she slowly trooped along, she radioed in to the Mystery Shack.

"Mabel the Magnificent to Ford the Science Lord. Do you read me?"

"I read you, Mabel."

"Hi Grunkle Ford!" She replied cheerily. "Dipper says we're just about there."

"Alright, so do you want-"

"Yes please!" She politely requested. Both she and Dipper could hear an array of sounds as several of the gang back at home base rearranged themselves appropriately. Soon two squeaky voices rang out over the radio.

"Hi, Mommy!"

"You needus now?"

"Uh huh. Mommy and Uncle Dipper are almost at the weird spooky place. So it's your guys job to help make sure that Mommy doesn't get too spooked." She reminded them.

"Yeah! No gettin' spooked!" Gladys vowed.

"So whatcha wantus to do?" Finn asked.

"I think a song would actually be nice right now." She requested sweetly. There was some muffled high-pitched discussion on the other end as her tots tried to decide on what to sing for her.

Dipper meanwhile had been following along blindly, mentally preparing himself when suddenly his sister stopped dead in her tracks. He walked right into her, and then found himself being involuntarily herded backwards as she stepped away from something. Mabel meanwhile emitted a hoarse squeak of horror.

"Mabel?" He reached about until he managed to nab hold of her shoulders and hold her in place. "Mabel, what's wrong? What-OW!"

She suddenly grabbed his hand and began squeezing like a vise. "D-Dipper….Dipper, I….I-I….I see my….m-my….my….Dipper, th-they're...

"No! No, it's okay!" Her brother started to frantically assure her. "It's not really them! It's fine, it's just a-"

It was then that Mabel's children finally agreed on a tune. An old classic rang out from the radio as they enthusiastically chorused together.

"Suuuunny daaaaay! We can go out and plaaaaay! On our waaay, to where the air, is, sweeeeeet! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to-"

The hoped-for effect was almost instantaneous. It only took a few moment before Dipper could feel her relax a little. She still gripped his hand tightly, but no longer did it feel as if his fingers were about to be broken. Mabel shut her eyes tight and took deep, heavy breaths as she focused on her children's singing. She even joined in for a little bit of the second verse.

"Come and plaaaay….everything's a-okaaaay…..friendly neighbors there, that's where, we'll meeeet….." The young woman sang along softly. After another deep breath, she started murmuring to herself. "They're fine…..they're fine…..they're both fine….I can hear my babies right now, so they're both just fine…."

"That's right." Dipper encouraged. "They're fine. They're both at the Shack, with the rest of the family, nice and safe. We definitely know that. We can hear that. They're fine."

"Yeah….they're fine…..they're just fine…..they're fine….." Mabel released her brother's hand, opened her eyes, then boldly stared out at the haunting illusions in front of her. "You hear that? You don't scare me!"

She pointed and declared, "That's not them! This isn't real, and I know it! My babies are both FINE, and there's nothing you can do to make me think they're not!"

As soon as the kids finished their musical number. Finn squeaked, "All done! Now what?"

"Keep singing!" Dipper immediately encouraged.

"I pick, I pick now! My tuwn!" Gladys declared. This time there was a much shorter discussion before they started singing, "Little Bunny Foo Foo, hoppin' through the forest…."

A defiant smile spread across Mabel's rosey-cheeked face. "Yeah, you hear that? That's my babies, safe and sound and happy! You can't scare me with this stuff! It's not scary, it's just….you know what? It's just shameful! That's what it is! How dare you go showing a mommy such terrible things? Huh? How would you feel like it if YOUR parents saw something awful like that and thought it was the real you? Probably not very good, I can tell you that!"

Dipper felt Mabel suddenly stumble back into him with a start. "What? Now what?!"

"Whoa! Now it's a….a….." She hastily reminded herself that the creature that appeared to be towering over her wasn't real. Once she did this, she grew quite irritated. "Okay, what's the deal here? If you knew I was scared of claymation things, why didn't you go with that in the first place? You didn't have to go with that first nasty choice, you know! You could've gone right for a big cyclops as soon as I showed, but instead you had to hit a mommy right in the heart with that other stuff! You should be sooooo ashamed of yourself right now! You know that? You should be….wait, what the? Skeletons? Oh, just stop it! I'm not even scared anymore, I'm just upset with you mister! Or missy! You had your chance, and you acted like a big jerk, trying to make me think my innocent little sweeties were…"

While Mabel tore into their psychic attacker with the sternest of tongue-lashings, Dipper decided to brave it and remove his blindfold. Just as he hopped, he didn't find any triangle-shaped demons mockingly hovering around him. All he saw was his sister scolding the increasingly ineffective illusions that were being thrown up around her. From the looks of it, whatever was creating the false illusions had gone into a frantic panic-mode.

"...Now what I am looking at?! Wait…..wait that's just a….is this because of the frog that jump on me last week? That little guy only give me a little surprise! That doesn't mean I've scared of frogs!" She explained, then rolled her eyes. "Are you even trying anymore?"

With their foe was distracted with his sibling, Dipper went on the hunt. He scanned the area until his sharp eyes picked up something odd. What he originally thought was just moss-covered rock seemed to moving a little. Upon a closer her look, he could see that it was definitely trembling.

"Mabel!" he excitedly called out. His sister stopped lecturing, saw where he was pointing, and together the two approached the quivering "rock."

When they drew within only a few feet of it it looked up and revealed its true nature. It was a small round creature, similar to both the shape and size of a soccer ball. Its roly-poly body was covered with short brownish-greenish fur, and the the face that stared at them reminded the twins of a pug or other flat-faced canine.

"Are you-" Dipper tried to ask it before it yelped. A lid opened up on its forehead to reveal a third eyeball that blazed with a psychedelic swirl of colors. Suddenly Dipper could see the sneaky-looking Santa Claus that he had feared so much as a child flying around overhead in a sleigh pulled by eight secretive-looking reindeer. Mabel meanwhile found herself looking at a claymation chicken that danced a creepy mechanical jig.

But instead of being frightened, the siblings only became curious as they examined their respective illusions. When it became obvious that its primary psychic defense wasn't working, the little dog-creature opened its mouth so wide that it momentarily resembled a fuzzy Pacman. It yelped loudly in despair, turned around on its stubby legs and made a run for it.

"Whoa! Where are you goin'?" Mabel cried as she and her twin took off in pursuit.

"Mommy? Uncah Dippeh?" Gladys squeaked over the radio. "Do we gotta keep singin'?"

"No, you're good! Thank you, hun-buns!" The mother made sure to thank her tots.

"Hey, can we get some updates?" Wendy called over the kids. "What's happening?"

"Pretty sure we just found our guy! Hold on!" Dipper shouted.

It didn't take the twins long at all to catch up. One of the creature's back legs dragged limply and uselessly behind it as it crawled along the ground. All the siblings needed to do was trot briskly, and within seconds they had surrounded it. With a shrill whine it started to tremble as it miserably braced itself for its fate . Suddenly everything became clear as crystal to both the twins, but it was Dipper who actually said it first.

"You're only scaring everyone because….._you're_ scared." He realized out loud at the little beast.

"Oooh, and so scared!" Mabel had flipped from angry to passionately sympathetic in a heartbeat. "Awww, look at you! What happened, did you break your little leg? You've probably been stuck here just trying to make sure no baddie tried to mess with you, huh? Isn't that right little guy?"

It flinched and yelped yet again when she knelt down and reached out, but it was surprised to find itself receiving nothing more than a very ginger pat, along with lots of gentle cooing. "Poor, poor little guy. You just didn't want anyone to hurt you even more, huh? Well it's okay, we won't do that. We're the good guys! I'm Mabel, and this guy here's my brother, Dipper! We're not gonna hurt you or anything! Cross our hearts and hope to die!"

She worked her caring magic with the usual incredible speed. One second the creature was still cowering, the next it was cautiously nuzzling into the head-pats, and soon it was dragging itself towards her. With the utmost tenderness Mabel gathered it into her welcoming arms.

"There we go" She beamed. "All set!"

"All set?" Ford crackled curiously over the radio.

"Yeah, it looks like we got it." Dipper reported with relief.

"Really?"

"So what is it, anyway?" Wendy asked.

"Mommy, did you find the spooking thingy?"

"Uh huh! Wait a teensy little bit, we'll be back with our new friend reeeaaal soon!"

Both her kids cheered loudly at the prospect of a new pal.

"Huh?" Stan exclaimed. "New what-now?"

"I told you, just wait a little. We'll see you in a bit!" Mabel cheerily reassured before she turned of the radio and started trotting back towards the Shack. Dipper walked alongside her while he carefully examined their curious little discovery. The psychic fuzzball glanced back warily at first, but after the young man made a few attempts it finally allowed him to give it a pat.

"For a little guy, you gave us some pretty big scares."

"Yeah he did! But he won't anymore!" Mabel giggled. She then looked to her sibling and grinned toothily, "Great job, bro-bro."

"You too." The victorious Mystery Twins gave one another a triumphant fist-bump. But when he noticed the sparkling look in her eyes as she cuddled the little dog-beast, he was quick to tell her, "You know we're not keeping it, right?"

"I know." But she was very quick to add with a grin, "Not permanently, at least…."

* * *

After getting dressed up in a size-appropriate splint, receiving a tiny two wheeled cart (courtesy of Soos's construction skills) to seat its back legs on, a heaping helping of canned meat and water, the little canine creature was looking leagues better than when Dipper and Mabel first found it. The tiny beast behind the day's chaos now sat in the middle of the living room floor, wagging its stringy tail furiously as the kids adoringly pet it.

"Youah soooooo soft!" Gladys squealed for what was at least the tenth time.

"Soff!" Phoebe repeated after her older cousin while she clumsily stroked the creature's head.

"Mommy?" Finn looked to his mother. "Can we keep the circle-doggy? Pleeeease?"

"You silly!" Mabel booped his nose. "Mommy told you already, the circle-doggy's only going to stay here until he feels all better…...but until then, we get the fuzziest, cutest little guest ever!"

She giggled and knelt down on the floor to join the kids. As she tickled the creature behind one of its tiny ears, she gestured enthusiastically to her wary friend hovering nearby. "C'mon, Paz! You're missing out!"

Pacifica continued to idle warily, but after a few more welcoming waves from Mabel she gingerly joined them. "Well….he is kinda cute…."

"This is amazing." Ford exclaimed excitedly. The old scientist was almost giddy at the thought of all the fascinating findings that he'd get to record later on, plus the further (and humane) examinations that he'd get to do while their family's curious discovery recuperated in their home. "The ability to sweep someone's mind and make a projection of some of their worst fears practically instantaneously. I've simply never seen anything like this before in all my years!"

"Yeah, I never would have guessed that a oversized hairball would have that kind of power." Stan murmured. When the little creature shot a brief glance his way he said apologetically, "Uh, no offense or anything."

"Makes sense to me." said Wendy, as she leaned against her husband with a wiry arm slung over his shoulders. "I mean, if you're pint-sized, you gotta have somethin' to make sure nobody chows down on you."

The redhead chuckled at their guest. "I feel bad for whoever tries to mess with you on purpose."

"I'm just glad that this is all over with." Dipper heaved a sigh of relief. Wendy laughed, hugged him closer and affectionately yanked his cap down over his eyes.

"Yeah, that makes all of us." She heartily agreed.

"Yup, no silly business from this little troublemaker!" Mabel cooed to the little creature as it continued to wriggle its tail and pant happily from all the attention. "You're not gonna give us any more scares, arentcha? Nope! Until you feeling better, you've got nothing but lots of friends right here who aren't gonna-"

"Alright, time for a refill!" Melody came in from the kitchen with a refill of water. She put down the small metallic bowl a little too hard, and a decent-sized clang suddenly filled the room. The little beast cried out in surprise, and its third eye instinctively snapped open for a few moments before it could realize that it was nothing to fear.

However, that was all it took to make Melody let out a horrified cry as a tailor-made illusion briefly materialized in front of her eyes and her eyes alone. After she gave everyone a start, Soos immediately gathered her into his arms.

"It's okay, it's okay!" He was quick to assure her. "You're okay, Corn Chip!"

"Yeah, you're fine!" Mabel bounced over and pat her shoulder.

"I-I know….I know…." After she took a few deep breaths, her cheeks turned a vibrant scarlet, piquing curiosity all around the living room.

"You uh….didn't see anything too bad, did you?" Mabel tried to pry subtly.

"No….I mean, not for most people. It's just that…." She paused. "Uh….so, you know the sea-witch from _The Little Mermaid_? The one who's part octopus, and-"

"Uwsula!" Gladys excitedly squeaked at the mention of one of her favorite movies. Melody blushed even harder.

"Thanks, honey."

"Wait, really?" Wendy tried to stifle a chuckle and failed miserably as she let out a loud snort.

"That's….something." Dipper commented, then nodded apologetically as he attempted to fight back a chortle. Mabel bit her lip as she tried to hold back a burst of tittering.

"Uh-huh." Melody gave everyone the green light to enjoy the silliness as she joined in with a weak laugh. Meanwhile Soos dutifully rocked her in his hold and stroked his spouse's hair with almost excessive tenderness.

"It's okay, Corn Chip. It wasn't real." He cooed. "You're safe."

"It's okay, I'm fine." She chortled at her big teddy bear of a spouse.

"You sure, Melly?" Mabel asked while she bubbled uncontrollably with the giggles.

"Uh-huh. This is probably just fair more than anything." Melody continued to laugh the incident off like a good sport. "I mean, if everyone else gets a freakout today, I might as well get a turn too…."

* * *

And that does it for the final and speedier-than-anticipated installment! Once again, big thanks goes out to Kraven the Hunter for giving me the idea!

We'll see if I'll be able to think up (or be suggested a usable) idea for another story anytime in the near future, or at least think up some shorts. But in the meantime, I hope you all were able to enjoy this latest little mystery with the Pines clan! - **_SGA_**


	93. Safety

Hey folks! I did some clean-up on my computer and found a few unpublished stories that have been stored away for no real good reason. So without further ado, here they are! - _**SGA**_

* * *

"...And that's the basics of a laser pistol."

Ford's audience of one silently followed his every movement as he put the weapon down and picked up one of the several others laid out beside him on the carpet.

"Now this is a magnet gun. When properly charged and aimed it can have a variety of different applications. For example, it's great for grabbing, and does wonders whenever you have to disarm anyone. It's also great for mobility. This can help you latch onto a moving vehicle, or if you put it on a lower setting you can ride it down any metal surface, like a wall or pillar. But be warned, this is dangerous as it is useful. I've almost taken people's fillings out by accident."

The paranormal expert let his pupil feel the handle before he put it aside. "Alright, now let's talk about stake guns, and I don't mean meat from a cow. This is a relatively new creation of mine, and should do just the trick when dealing with vampires. The clip holds several-"

"HEY!" The lesson was interrupted by an angry bark. His great-niece-in-law was a shockingly far cry from her usual laid-back self as she suddenly stormed into the Shack's living room with a hard clomp of boots.

"What?" The old scientist asked. "What's-"

"What do you think you're doing?!" Wendy bristled angrily. An awkward pause followed.

"Just going over a couple things." He replied with a befuddled shrug.

"A couple of things? The lanky redhead pointed to the assortment of powerful weapons. "You call this just a couple of things?!"

"What? What?" Ford genuinely failed to see what was the matter. "Didn't Dipper tell you that-"

The answer became an obvious "no" when she clenched her fists and yelled for husband, "DIPPERRR!"

The young man came rushing in. "What's-"

"Look!" Wendy pointed to the lethal collection of gadgetry and shot him a demanding glare.

"It's okay, Ford asked and I told him it was okay to-" He tried reassuring her, but almost soon as the words left his mouth Dipper realized that he had given the worst possible answer. Wendy now looked like she was going to have a conniption.

"You told him WHAT?" She tore into him.

"I….I…." Dipper stuttered.

"You told him this was okay?" She pointed to Ford's one and a half year old little pupil. Phoebe just cocked her head and squeaked confusedly at all the fuss.

"Uh….." Dipper had no idea what to do. His wife was in incredibly rare form at the moment. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her so furious. He now just froze like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle as she continued to blast him with an angry stare. With a huff Wendy scooped up their daughter, whirled around with a swish of scarlet hair and stormed out. Ford and Dipper traded rattled glances.

"Well…..that probably could have gone better." The old man straightened his glasses and softly understated.

"Yeah….." His great nephew buried his face in his hands. "Oh man…."

Once they had recomposed themselves, it didn't take Dipper very long to track down his spouse. After all, where else in the Shack would she go if she wanted some privacy? Exactly as he expected, he found her fuming up on top her old rooftop perch. As she at in an old folding chair, Wendy genuinely looked ready to maim anyone who tried to do so much as even think about getting close to the baby in her arms.

"W-Wendy?" Dipper huffed as he made his way towards her down the roof tiles. It wasn't easy going with a hastily stuffed backpack loading him down.

"Da-ee!" Phoebe laughed at the undignified picture her father cut. Wendy didn't even turn her head.

"Not. Now." She warned him.

"But just look. Please?" He actually didn't give her much of a choice. Dipper slung off the bag and started taking out some of the very same paranormal-busting tools Ford had been showing to Phoebe only a few minutes earlier.

"Oh, come on!" She immediately got up to leave. "Seriously?"

"Hold on, just look at this!" Dipper gestured frantically for her to stay. He then picked up the crossbow and held it up to her face. "See? No bolts loaded. It's not even strung up."

Before she could do or say anything, he reached for the magnet gun and opened it up for her to see. "Look, there's no battery inside. It's just a piece of metal right now."

Next came the laser pistol. "Safety's on, and the trigger's been disabled. And look, this thing isn't even charged."

"Literally nothing was armed! They're basically a bunch of high-tech paperweights right now!" Another voice added from down below. Wendy glanced down over the side and found Ford standing on the ground. The old man met her gaze and explained, "I'm not climbing all the way up there."

"Look, I'm sorry. I really, really, really should have talked to you about this first." Dipper conceded without any hesitation. "But….I really want Phoebe to be safe."

"What?" Wendy's anger had lessened, but only because confusion had taken its place.

"Uh...wait, let me…." The flustered young man proceeded to fumble over his own tongue. Thankfully Ford jumped in to clarify things.

"I've done the same exact thing for Finn and Gladys. If the kids are going to end up watching us use these things, then we might as well get them familiar with them early as possible. I don't want any of them getting hurt." He then confessed, "Not like any of you've been."

"Uh, yeah." Dipper nodded, picked up the laser pistol and pointed it to a faint burnt scar on his noodle arm. Wendy didn't really need the example, though. She could think of at least half-a-dozen past adventures where a high-tech weapon from Ford's armory had almost made things redhead recalled the first time she had become acquainted with the magnet gun. It was the twins' second summer, and after someone handed had handed it to her in the middle of a fight with a metal-fanged ghoul she had proceeded to almost rip her earrings right out of her head.

"It's not any different from what your dad did with you." Dipper finally pointed out. "I mean, you were able to handle a crossbow by the time you were fifteen. You've said that you've learned to set a trap by the time you were ten! All because he took the time out to get you familiar with those things and teach you how to be safe with them. We're not doing anything totally crazy here."

He paused, then asked her for caution's sake, "We're definitely not…..right?"

"Well, maybe we're doing things a little too early for Phoebe." Ford conceded from down below.

Wendy glanced to her husband, then down at great-uncle-in-law. The two looked like a pair of guilty dogs as they both begged pleadingly at her to understand. It was almost impossible to stay angry at the weirdly well-meaning pair.

"Oh my God. I'm dealing with two generations of dorks right now." She cracked, and the tension in the air immediately lightened. Dipper relaxed with a gasp.

"Maybe three, actually." He gently observed. Wendy looked down and saw that Phoebe was stretching out her little arms as she curiously reached for the magnet gun.

"Oh, great." She shook her head in mock dismay, but nevertheless picked it up for her daughter to examine. "See this? Mama almost destroyed her ears with it once."

"So, is everything alright?" Ford asked from below. A trace of a hopeful smile flittered across his face.

"Yeah, we're cool." It looked like the family ice bag was back to her regular self.

"Sorry." Dipper apologized again for good measure."I'm so sorry, I really should have told you."

"Look, I get it. It makes total sense. At least it does in this family." She admitted. "It's just that when I saw Ford, and...yeah, I shouldn't have flipped so hard like that, but I really couldn't help it."

"Is is because I forgot to ask?" Dipper immediately assumed. "Sorry, I so should've have checked with you first-"

"No, no, it was….well…. basically because I was already feeling so sick of people trying to put the baby around around weapons, and-"

"Wait, what?" Her very alarmed husband blurted out. "What are you talking about?!"

Wendy shook her head and groaned. "Funny that you just mentioned my Dad just now-"

Before she could explain any more, right on cue a heavy pickup lumbered down the dirt road and come to a stop in the Shack parking lot with a squeal of old breaks and cloud of dust. Wendy instinctively clutched Phoebe closer.

"Oh, no." She unfortunately had nowhere to hide before the freshly-arrived Corduroys all spotted her immediately.

"Hey! hey Wendy! Wendy!" One of the three burly young men sitting in the truck bed called out to her. "Wendy!"

"Yo, Wendy!" Chimed in another.

"Wendyyyyy! Hey!" Yelled the third.

"What are you guys doing here?" She shouted down.

"What do you think?" The youngest asked back.

"We're heading out!" The oldest eagerly goaded her.

"Last chance!" The middle one yelled up. "C'mon!"

"What? No!" She barked at her clan. "I told you on the phone already, we're not going!"

"Sure you haven't changed your mind?" The youngest said hopefully.

"That was only twenty minutes ago!" She snapped. "No!"

"C'mon," Manly Dan peered out of the driver's side window and slapped the side of the truck with a oven mitt-sized hand. "Phoebe's gotta go on her first hunt sometime."

"No." Wendy was the maternal mountain who would not be moved. "She's not going with you."

"But it's tradition." The family patriarch hopefully reminded her. "You know that."

"Yeah, and that's stopping with me." She declared. "I don't want one of her earliest memories to be you plugging a deer."

"She'll be fine." The bear of a man gruffly shrugged it off.

"You're. Not. Taking her." His daughter firmly fired back.

"She's just gonna watch with us! C'monnnn! Wendy, look!" Her youngest brother held up a small baby-sized hunting vest. It was admittedly cute, but it didn't sway her in the slightest.

"Phoebe's not going out with you." She declared defiantly.

"Will you chill out?" Her middle brother groaned. "She'll be just fine. It's not like we haven't done this like, a hundred times-"

His reassurance was interrupted by a sharp crack and and a loud snap as an unlucky branch was shot clean off a tree. Ford threw his old body to the ground, and Dipper protectively scrambled in front of his wife and child. Reinforcements appeared on the scene mere moments later in spectacular fashion.

"...Soos, Melly, bring the babies to the back of the Shack!" They could hear Mabel order before she kicked the front door open and charged out. The young woman took aim with her loaded grappling hook as she screamed, "OKAY, NOBODY MOVE! I WANT EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND RIGHT-"

She took a look at all the red-headed young men and speedily saw there was no danger. "...Oh. Oh, hi guys!"

"H-hi Mabel." One of the Corduroy boys awkwardly waved. Thankfully there were no casualties from the misfired hunting rifle except for the poor tree nearby.

"BOYS!" Manly Dan roared.

"Sorry Dad!" The eldest of the Corduroy brothers sputtered.

"Gimme that." The middle brother reached from the backseat and took it away. "Stupid! No wonder that it went off. You didn't have the safety on! How could you forget to-"

The gun discharged again up into the air. A tree branch rustled as the bullet flew, spooking a few sparrows who frantically took off flapping as fast as they could. An awkward silence settled on the Corduroy clan.

"This doesn't usually happen." One of the boys told the rattled Pines.

"That's only like the third time ever. We swear." Said another.

Needless to say, they had done absolutely nothing to help out the case they had been trying to lay before their sister. .

Having just been spooked twice in a row, Phoebe was now burying her face deep into her mother's chest as deeply as possible.

"Mamaaaaaa…." She hugged her parent like a baby koala and whined unhappily.

Wendy stroked her baby's head and shushed her a few times before passing her off to Dipper. Then with speedy ease the wiry woman leapt from the roof, rode the nearest tree down and marched towards the truck.

"So….uh…." The youngest brother laughed nervously as he watched their stonefaced big sister approach. "Changed your mind yet?"

Wendy hopped into the truck bed and seized the hunting rifle. As she stood in the middle of her burly siblings she first unloaded the weapon, and then properly set the safety on.

"Thanks." Her oldest brother said with an embarrassed smile. "I have no idea how it-"

She didn't stop there. Suddenly she was moving like a machine. Using the skills ingrained in her long ago, she swiftly disassembled the entire thing right before everyone's eyes with angry but precise movements. She didn't stop until the gun had been dismantled all the way down to the wooden stock, which she then threw down with a hard metal clang. Once the hunting rifle had been completely taken out of commission she gave them all a withering glare.

"We're. Not. Going." She repeated one final time. Her siblings cowed as she stared, silently daring them to speak up in protest.

"But it was just a-"

She grabbed the nearest rifle and repeated herself, all without breaking the bold stare she had locked onto them for even a second. The pieces rained down at her feet in a scattered mess as she made quick work of it.

Peering out fro the driver-side window. Dan pursed his lips and nodded respectfully to his eldest child.

"We'll probably drop off a couple cuts of deer tomorrow." He murmured. Wendy nodded back, clambered out, and after they all gave her wordless waves the Corduroys all took off down the road.

"...Yikes." Mabel made a face.

"You can say that again." Dipper exclaimed as he emerged from the house with the whimpering baby still in his arms. Wendy nodded thankfully and took Phoebe back. As she cuddled her daughter, the young woman turned to her great-uncle-in-law and gave him an apologetic look.

"Okay, so…." She started to explain before Ford interrupted with a forgiving pat on her shoulder.

"Believe me, you don't need to say a single word….."


	94. Escalation

"…Pssst! Wendy! Pssst!"

"Huh?" Wendy moaned groggily. Someone was gently barraging her awake with a hail of hushed whispers and soft pokes to her side. The lanky woman cracked open one eye and made out the blurry outline of her sister-in-law.

Mabel wore a massive smile as she crouched down next to the large air mattress that sat in the middle of Soos's break room. Once she saw that Wendy was awake, she started gesturing furiously for her to get up. As she beckoned, she bit down tightly on her lip to try to hold back a torrent of giggles.

The drowsy woman stared blankly through half-lidded eyes until her addled brain got the message. Knowing the irrepressible brunette, it looked like today was going to start off today with some entertainment. A sleepy but mischievous grin had sprouted on her face by the time she had gotten up, gathered her daughter from the portable rocker and stepped back into prime spectating position.

In the midst of the hushed activity, Dipper never stirred once. The young man lay still as a stone, completely oblivious to what was about to befall him.

"HUMAN ALARM CLOCK!" Mabel's happy cry filled the makeshift bedroom as her ambush was sprung. Dipper immediately shot up with a snorting start. Although only semiconscious, the sound of his sister's voice was all it took to make his gut coil with despair. Something obviously unpleasant was about to happen, and it was already too late to stop it.

He snapped open his eyes just in time to catch sight of two little bodies flying in midair. A sound akin to the gasp of a dying farm animal was forced from lungs as his niece and nephew landed on him with the force of two adorable bombs, sending him smack onto his back. While Wendy's laughter rang loudly in his ears, the face of his triumphant sister hovered into view.

"G'morning, sleepyhead!" She greeted perkily.

Wheezing painfully beneath the weight of the giggly toddlers. Dipper took a few uncomfortable moments to ponder over what on earth he had done to deserve so rude an awakening. "...I slept in, didn't I?"

"Uh-huh. Today's _**your **_turn to get everything ready for breakfast, and you're ten minutes off schedule." Mabel dangled her phone and tapped the time.

"Of course this is how you have to remind me." He groused.

"Yup!" She was all too happy to affirm. The mischievous woman then snapped her fingers twice, and on command the little ones clambered off. Dipper however couldn't even enjoy a moment's respite before they took a hand each and started pulling furiously.

"C'mon, Uncle Dipper!" Finn squeaked. "Get up! Time to get up!"

"Mommy said you'd make Fench toast today!" Gladys chirped excitedly. "Awe you still gonna makit?"

"French toast! French toast!" The little boy started to chant between vigorous tugs. "Get up! French toast! Get up! Get up! French toast!"

"Fench toooooooast!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming guys." He sounded like a wounded soldier as he staggered up off the air mattress and onto his feet. While the children eagerly herded him out of the room, he made sure to shoot his sister a fierce glare. It had as much effect as a splash of water on a duck's back. Mabel met his gaze and beamed remorselessly.

"When your little snuggymuffin gets bigger, she can do the same to her Aunt Maymay." She tickled her niece's belly and promised. "But until then, my clan has the monopoly on being awesomely adorable."

"Good to know." With a resigned sigh he vanished from the room, with his sister practically skipping along behind, and his wife still sniggering like a teenager as she took up the rear.

* * *

A brand new summer day was upon them. Mabel stirred from her sleep with a relishing sigh. One of things that she adored the most about vacationing in Gravity Falls were these absolutely gorgeous mornings. She hadn't even opened her eyes yet, and already she felt completely submersed in beauty thanks to the usual miniature symphony of birds singing to their heart's desire outside.

The natural chorus was supplemented by the patter of bare feet on the attic floor, another one of her favorite sounds. It looked like it was time to get the day rolling with another hamster pile, as clan routine dictated. A grin danced across her face, and she rolled over with a sleepy murmur. "G'morning, sweeties-"

An unexpected sight greeted her. Even without her glasses she could plainly make out her brother looming over her bedside. "...You're not my sweeties."

"Good morning." Dipper's wicked snicker sent a chill down her spine. Without further ado, he turned around crossed his arms, and started to lean over backwards. Realization hit Mabel like a bolt of lightning.

"NOOOO-" She was cut off in mid-yell when he flopped right on top of her. Across the room, her children instantly broke their silence and burst out squealing with laughter. Wendy likewise started chuckling like a madwoman from where she sat comfortably perched on the other bed, offering her a clear view of today's sibling mayhem.

"You're...you're a jerk!" Mabel groaned from beneath her twin. Dipper grinned unapologetically, letting his skinny frame go limp on top of his helplessly crushed sister.

"I think I'm starting to get it now." He chuckled, enjoying every moment of the deliciously sweet revenge. "This is pretty fun."

"It's only fun when...when it's c-cute." She protested stubbornly. Mabel then looked across to the other side of the attic bedroom, and despite her best efforts she was unable to hide the betrayal in her tone. "Hun-buns? Why didn't stop him?"

Immediately the two wilted a little with guilt. Gladys fidgeted with her toy duck, while Finn plucked up the courage to confess. "Uncle Dipper says he'd make breakfast again."

"Like yesteday, with lotsa cinnamom and butteh." Gladys chirped.

"What can I say?" Their uncle laughed, feeling quite pleased over his crafty bargain. "They like really my French toast."

"Oh yeah? Your French toast is stupid, and so are you!" Mabel shot back childishly. If he thought that he had won the battle, then he was sorely mistaken. No one crushed Mabel and got away with it. She threw back her head and shouted, "Human alarm clock! Go, go, go!"

"What? Wait, wait don't-" Dipper tried to get off of her, but the little ones had already gotten the signal. Obediently they hopped off the bed, sprinted the short distance and hurled themselves up onto their uncle.

By the time Mabel realized what an awful decision she had just made, it was too late. Both the unlucky adults let out sharp gasps that clashed curiously with the children's fresh peals of laughter. As far as the little ones could tell, this was all just one gigantic silly game. Their mother and uncle however at the moment could do little more than squirm in agony and utter pitiful squeaks of discomfort.

Wendy allowed herself a couple moments to soak in the full glory of the comical spectacle before taking it upon herself to reestablish some shred of order.

"All right, that's enough for now. Someone's gotta make me breakfast." She cracked. The redhead tucked her gurgling infant into one arm and set about with removing the toddlers. While she lifted them off one by one with ease, the older twins looked to one another and wordlessly realized what had to be done.

"Truce?" He groaned as his wife helped him back onto his feet. Mabel slowly raised her aching body with a firm nod.

"Truce..."

* * *

It was yet another gorgeous summer morning in Gravity Falls. Dipper's little clan had all been sleeping soundly when his spouse shifted a little. Whatever Wendy was dreaming of, it resulted in an accidental elbow right into his side. He stirred, then cracked open his eyes. It took only a split-second for him to see what a monumental blessing in disguise the rude awakening had been.

"What the...?"

He shot up, entire body tense as a drawn bowstring. It wasn't every day that he awoke to find a paunchy man ungracefully sneaking across the room. Soos froze in mid-tiptoe, and for a few moments he resembled a wax statue. The chubby man righted himself, dawdled frantically, then let loose with a river of panicked babble.

"Oh, uh...hey, dude! Howya doin'? I was just...uh...I came in super-early to work today for...for uh, stuff...and decided to like...I was just...just checking on the baby...y'know, at six in the morning...y-yeah! Because...uh, because...I mean, Uncle Soos has gotta make sure his new little dudette's doing okay, right? I mean, why else would I be here? It definitely wouldn't be to like, pay a favor I owe Hambone and do anything to like...uh."

Immediately it dawned on the gentle giant realized he had inadvertently said a little too much. Meaty shoulders slumped as he turned around and murmured guilty towards the door, "Psst! I don't think he's buying this!"

"Mabel?" Dipper called softly. The woman in question stepped out fully into the doorway, with video camera held prominently in hand. Her plan now thoroughly foiled, at first she could do little else besides nervously idle like a child caught robbing the cookie jar.

"Soooo...truce? Again?" A sheepish smile crept across her face. "For real?"

"Truce for real." Dipper readily agreed as he crawled from bed. She met him halfway across the room and they shook hardily on it, officially ending all the silly sibling shenanigans. Now that the pact was sealed, he looked back to Soos, mulled over what could have been, then groaned. "Okay, I need coffee. Badly."

"I'll put it on." Mabel offered as a sign of good faith. Movingly quietly, they all exited the room in single file. Dipper took care to softly shut the door behind them, leaving Wendy and the baby to continue slumbering in peace. While they trekked over to the kitchen, an awkward silence hung heavily over them until Soos broke it with a hearty chuckle.

"Sorry about that, Dipper-dude." He slapped his friend heartily on the back. "But when she told me about it...I mean, it just sounded wicked funny."

"C'mon, bro-bro. You can't blame really Mabel for trying, right?" She affectionately nudged him in the ribs. An uncontrollable chuckle escaped him. If they were going be so honest about it, then he might as well fess up too.

"Considering I was planning to drop Waddles on you at around seven, then no, not really..."


	95. Odds and Ends - 14

So to round off this story extravaganza, here's a whole lot of drabbles that have been sitting on my laptop for quite a while, at least until now. Now it's time to stop sitting on them and just let people read and (hopefully) enjoy! - _**SGA**_

* * *

"**Me and the Gang"**

"...So I'm on my own for most of today. Nah, no Mabes either." Wendy stretched out her frame to its full lanky length as she chatted away on her phone. "Their folks are almost done moving back up to the area...yeah, Florida just didn't cut it for them. What? No, I'm cool with it...it's actually been pretty sweet. It gives me a chance to cut loose and hang alone with my crew for the first time in forever."

At this point in the conversation, her mouth twisted into a wicked smile. "What? Aw c'mon Tam, of course I got a gang going down here in Cali! You should really see them ….Uh-huh, things always get totally off the wall when we're together. Like, I seriously don't even know where to begin with the stuff that we-"

She paused and listened. "It sounds like they're waking up…..yeah, with the way we've been going so far today, we had to take a break. Don't want to burn out before we've done having fun. Anyway, I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Later, Tambry."

Wendy climbed into a sitting position on the park bench and steered the double-stroller closer to her. Two dozy little faces gazed up back at her.

"Hey guys." She tickled Gladys behind the ear. "Now that you're up, you wanna go hit up the pond one more time? You can go totally lose your minds over the ducks again."

Neither her niece and nephew knew what she was saying, but her excited tone was more than enough to get them smiling. Finn even managed a happy squeak for the pure sake of happy squeaks after he finished yawning the last bit of drowsiness out of his system. Beaming from ear to ear, the adoring aunt went at a brisk trot as she happily drove them off down the nearest sidewalk path.

"Alright! C'mon, crew….."

* * *

**"That'll Do, Pig"**

"Hey Mab-" Dipper only took a few steps into his sister's home and almost fell flat on his face. It was only Wendy's quick reflexes kept him on his feet. After she right him, both looked to the enormous bed he had almost tripped over. Its pudgy pink and brown-speckled occupant cracked a beady eye open, acknowledged them with a grunt and kept right on dozing.

"Oooh, sorry!" Mabel chirped. "I should move that further from the doorway."

"Huh? No, it's fine." Dipper said distractedly. His attention had now locked into his twin's drowsy pet. Waddles IV mismatched his new bed so badly that it was genuinely confusing the young man. It seemed far more suited for a large dog breed like a German Shepherd than a small pig.

"Was this thing on major sale or something?" Wendy noticed it too.

"Oh, that?" Mabel shook her head. "Nope! Pretty decently priced though. Just got it yesterday! Nice, huh?"

"Seems like he's got a little too much space."

"Well yeah! If this was just for him, that'd be way too much!" Mabel agreed with a laugh.

"What does that mean-"

"Dude, check it out." Wendy tugged Dipper's arm. Their little niece was so tired that she didn't even notice that they had arrived. The eighteen-month old Gladys Pines stumbled groggily on little feet, and just barely reached the bed before flopping down directly into the family pet. Waddles cracked his eyes open again, give her a lick on the cheek and then settled back down.

"Uh ohhhh, looks like it's time for a nappy nap!" Mabel turned and just as she expected, her son was curled up on the floor. As she fitted him against Waddles, she beamed adoringly. "They just figured out that he's the comfiest thing into the whole house."

"That's s so stupid cute that I can just barely handle it.." Wendy chuckled adoringly. As mucha s Dipper wanted to enjoy the sight too, something puzzled him.

"The bed still looks kinda big for the three of them." He observed.

"Who said I got it just for them?" Mabel scoffed. "You're talkin' like I didn't think this thr-oooohhh, just look at them! Hold on!"

She quickly became distracted by the sight of her pet and tots all snuggled up. Without further ado she crawled in and filled out the rest of the bed as she curled around the rest of her family in a cuddly crescent.

"Sorry! I'll be here just a minute or two." She then flashed them an enormous smile. "So, good idea huh? I call it Snuggle Central…."

* * *

**"Are You Not Entertained?"**

"Mabel?" Dipper wandered aimlessly from room to room. He had arrived for a casual drop-in only to find his twin's house unnaturally devoid of life. As he made loop after loop through the small one-story home, the young man didn't hear so much as a giggle, the clop of pig hooves, or even the familiar clack of knitting needles. "Hello? Anyone home?"

"Oh hey, bro! Down here!"

He followed the reply down into the basement, where Mabel was sitting on a small homemade blanket spread on the cement floor. Her one-year-olds were perched in her lap, and rounding out the gang as usual was Waddles IV lying curled up at her side.

"Hey. Uh, is everything okay?" Dipper checked.

"You bet it is!" Mabel bubbled. "We're all just enjoying the show. Isn't that right, hun-buns?"

Normally the babies were overloaded little bundles of nonstop happy energy. In other words, they were miniatures of their mother, and usually by now they'd be squeaking their heads off with excitement as they hugged their uncle's legs tightly. But right now though they sat in a dead silence, with deep brown eyes eyes completely glued to the front-loading dryer. Their gazes intently followed the mix of clothes tumbling around and around.

"This looks familiar." Dipper joked. Mabel grinned as she gave her hyper-focused tykes an adoring squeeze.

"Like mommy, like babies!" She quipped, then quickly remembered to add, "And like uncle too."

"Man, I totally forgot how much we used to love this." Dipper laughed, He soon was recalling many an afternoon spent sitting side by side with his sister in the basement of their childhood home watching a load of laundry like it was their favorite movie. Mabel giggled at all the peculiar old memories.

"Remember how badly we'd weird out Mom?"

"How could I forget?" He chuckled. "We wouldn't move or say anything. We'd just watch the whole thing from start to finish."

"And so then she started trying to keep it a secret when she was doing the laundry!" She tittered. "

"Good thing Dad kept giving us tip offs."

"Oh yeah. Remember when the bed sheets would still be damp and would need another go?"

"Yeah, that was always like winning the lottery."

As the siblings snickered up a storm, Gladys and Finn still hadn't even registered the fact that their uncle had arrived. Their fascinated stares remained locked on the whirling mix of shirts, pants and underwear.

"Man, it's amazing how easy it is to entertain little kids sometimes." Dipper marveled, tucking his hands into his jean pockets.

"Hey, this is quality entertainment here!" Mabel enthusiastically opined. Her brother chuckled as he took her remark for a joke.

"Yeah, I've really been missing out over the years. All that time I could have spent watching clothes dry. Just mixing with each other as they go around and around….and…."

As his gaze wandered back onto the ever-changing kaleidoscope of fabric, Dippr rapidly trailed off. He had to admit, there was something strangely relaxing about the sight that he couldn't quite put his finger on. "...And around…."

It was like a constant colorful bloom. The increasingly hypnotized young man kept gawking, unable to peel his eyes away. "...And around….and…."

Before he knew it, he was sitting down next to his twin and her little gang. Dipper awkwardly cleared his throat. "So, uh….you guys been doing this a while?"

"Don't you worry, bro-bro!" She passed him a small bowl of popcorn. "I just popped this in just a few minutes before you showed up." She practically sparkled with excitement. "We got the whoooole cycle ahead of us…"

* * *

**"Eliminate"**

"Hey, I'm home!"

To Dipper's surprise, his announcement was met with only silence. The puzzled young man checked the time. His wife should have long been home by now. "Wendy?"

Again, there was no answer. The slight oddity sent the ever-suspicious young man on immediate alert. He put down his bag and carefully made his way through the apartment, keeping all his senses peeled.

"...Wendy?"

He came across his baby daughter in the den, lying stomach-first on top of a blanket and fiddling with her stuffed sheep. Phoebe looked so utterly content as could be in her own little world, her father couldn't help but automatically relax.

"Hey, honey." A relieved grin crept across his face. "Any idea where your mom is-"

While he was distracted, they pounced. Heavy bear-like limbs swept around him from behind, and in an instant his arms were hopelessly crushed to his sides. Two short assailants jumped him from below, clamping down on a leg each in their tenacious grasp. While bolts of panic crazed through him Dipper instinctively started fighting for dear life. Yet another attacker leapt from the shadows and grabbed hold of him.

" Hey, what are you…?!" He gasped. "Get off! Hey! Hey!"

Only a few feet away, Phoebe just gazed curiously through bright eyes as her father desperately gave everything he had. Unfortunately, he was completely outnumbered and hopelessly overpowered. After a spirited but short resistance, they wrestled him down to the floor.

"Let go! Let go! Get off of..." A high-pitched buzz filled the air, getting a puzzled pause from him. "...What's that?"

It only took a heartbeat for him to fully realize what his ambushers had in store for him. His scrawny chest heaved as he immediately redoubled his efforts to free himself. Dipper thrashed like a man utterly possessed. "No, no! Hey, what are you...no! NO! WAIT, STOP! HEY! You're not going to….NO!"

The protests stream off his lips in vain. The struggle was utterly futile. Working together, they pinned him firmly down under their combined strength. While a pair of hands clasped the sides of his face, Dipper could only look on as the metal teeth descended upon him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" His howls were like that of a wounded beast. "NOOOOOOOO-BLECH! Oh, hair in my mouth! Bleccch!"

It took only a couple swipes, and it was all over. Mabel flipped the electric razor off and struck a triumphant pose. "YES! Success!"

"That's much better." Without a trace of remorse to be found on her, Wendy let go of Dipper's head and grinned down at him. "Hey."

"Hey." He grumbled. "So…..I guess that all just happened."

"Uh-huh. And we're glad to have Classic You back." She affectionately pat his cheek before giving him a hug.

"Hooray." Dipper dryly replied with a groan.

"That's the spirit, bro! Check it out guys!" Mabel pointed. "See? Look how good a job we did fixing up his face!"

Her children threw up a happy cheer at the sight of their trimmed uncle.

"Yay!" Gladys continued to hug his leg, only now she squeezed it out of relief rather than necessity.

"Uncle Dipper's back!" Finn bounced up and down with a whoop of heartfelt glee.

"Uh-huh, that's right! No more spooky-looking Uncle Dippingsauce for us." She thoughtfully brushed off her brother's face with a sweater sleeve. Not surprisingly, Dipper was in little mood to join the celebration. He was currently feeling incredibly betrayed, especially as he laid eyes on the burliest member of the ambush party.

"Did you actually drive all the way down here just for this?"

Soos was nothing but smiles as he helped him back onto his feet. "Sorry, dude. But Mabel sent me photos, and I was all like, that look totally just wasn't for you. Y'know, you're definitely a goatee-only kind of guy, so it was kinda for your own good. Plus, Uncle Soos gets to rock out with you guys all weekend! Sweet, right?"

The twins happily cheered again as they slapped their tiny hands against his meaty palm.

"That's right! Up top! Down low!" He happily accepted their vigorous high-fives. "That's it, little dudes!"

"Feel that breeze between your nose and your lip!" Mabel grinned. "It's good, huh?"

"I don't know." He ruefully rubbed his face. "What I do know is that this all feels pretty excessive."

"Boop!" She pressed his nose. "Excessive and effective!"

"C'mon doofus, you of all people should have seen something like this coming." Wendy scooped up her gurgling little distraction off the floor into her arms. "We've all been telling you ever since you came back from the dig last week how much we hated that stupid new mustache…"

* * *

**"Test Subject"**

The little tweenage redhead couldn't possibly be more comfortable. She was curled up on top of the weatherbeaten sofa on the back porch of her eccentric gregrunkles home, with a glass of lemonade in reach and an absolutely enormous book that was a few reading levels above what one would expect for a mere ten year old.

As per usual, she was near-oblivious to the world around her while she hungrily devoured page after page of new information. The little girl just barely noticed the sleepy oink from the pig that had been sitting curled up next to her. She looked up from her book and noticed the skinny teen boy that had just stepped outside.

"Hey Phoebs!" He greeted her with a wave.

"Hey Finn." She replied as her emerald-green eyes locked right back into her book. Phoebe simply couldn't help herself. She was currently so caught up in all there was to know about Mayan sun temples that even dividing her attention a little was proving difficult, which was nothing out of the ordinary for her. As she continued to soak in her current page, she asked distractedly, "What are you doing?"

"Getting some fresh air. And to be honest, distracting you." He truthfully revealed with a smile.

"Okay-" His reply sank in one moment too late. "Wait, what-"

Waddles IV oinked as the other arrival revealed herself. From seemingly out of nowhere, Gladys sprunt up from the other end of the couch, loomed over her cousin, waved her arms and let out a high-pitched yell.

"BOO!"

Phoebe shrieked, and after the jumpy little squirrel of a girl performed a full-body jolt she proceeded to reflexively lash out with her sizable book. Before she could stop herself, she had hit her cousin right in the stomach. She then froze up with horror with Gladys backed off with a grunt.

"Oh no! Gladys!" She yelped. As her improvised weapon fell from her hands, Waddles IV got up and gave Gladys a worried ankle-nuzzle with his snout. However, the young teen was only bent over for a little before before she straightened herself up with a big smile.

"YES! It worked!"

"Whoa, really?" Her sibling said excitedly. "You sure?"

"Yup! Just a little teensy bit achy, but that's all!" She flashed him a double thumbs-up. "I'm A-OK over here!"

"Oh, WOW!" he jumped excitedly "I can't believe it!"

"Better believe it, maca-broni! I'm feelin' just fine!"

The two shared a jubilant double high-five. Phoebe meanwhile just watched them wide, puzzled eyes.

"Wha…?" She looked back and forth between her twin cousins. "Wait, what….what just happened-"

"Sorry about that." Finn apologized as he ruffled her hair. Before she could respond, Gladys plopped herself down on the sofa and wrapped her up in one of her infamously tight bear hugs.

"And double-sorries from me! We weren't trying to be meanies or anything, we were just doing a little bit of an experiment."

"Yeah, thanks for helping out! Even if we kinda didn't ask you first. Though that wouldn't messed things up."

"Experiment?" Phoebe repeated.

"Yeah! Our Mom told us about something she just to do, and we were all, 'Is that an actual thing, or is she just messing with us?' And you know what Grunkle Ford always says! If you want to get to the bottom of something, you gotta test it out!" Finn explained.

"Yeah, it's just science-y stuff, basically!" Said Gladys. "Something needed investigating, so we investigated! No biggie!"

"Uh…." Phoebe grunted in bafflement as her cousin hugged her again.

"Sorry again for the spook. Here, piggy-cuddles alllllways help." She swept Waddles IV up onto the sofa and placed the family pet on the other side of the little redhead. The dutiful pig places his chubby face on Phoebe's thigh and oinked sympathetically while Finn handed her a thank-you card and a bar of chocolate.

."Thanks a million for you participation in this Pines family study!"

"Study about what?" Asked the still-perplexed young girl.

"Whether our Mom was goofing around with us. And turns out, she was actually just giving us a handy tip!" Gladys raised up her sweater and proudly displayed the fact that she had covered herself underneath with such a layer or thick, puffy stickers that her shirt was completely buried out of sight. "These things provide some a-may-zing extra protection when you need it!"


	96. Impressions

Here's another snippet! Though not as new as I originally thought - since I published this, it was pointed out that I did in fact upload a lot shorter of this story in the last "Odds and Ends", which completely slipped my memory entirely. Ack, so big apologies on my end; that version has since been scrubbed from the previous chapter - **_SGA_**

* * *

"...So what happened after the tour group freaked out and left?"

"Well, the gift shop was pretty trashed. Soos said that he had to end up closing the Shack for about two hours so he could clean up and get everything back together."

"Wait, it was just him? Why didn't Melly help out?"

"Melody was busy helping Ford calm Stan back down."

"Yeesh!" Mabel made a face. "So what'd they end up doing with Goldie?"

"After they pried him out of the ceiling, they moved him back to his old spot down in the basement. So much for his grand return from retirement." Dipper took a sip of tea and leaned back on his sister's sofa. He noted the wide-eyed look she was shooting him and he shrugged. "Hey, I'm just repeating what Soos told me over the phone."

"I know, it's just…..they're still holding onto him?" Mabel said incredulously. "Really?"

"Stan still pretty convinced he's got a shot of becoming a major attraction again."

"Okay, so how in the hey-hey could Grunkle Stan go through alllllllll of that biz yesterday and not want to throw that stupid mechanical prospector thingy right out? All that thing does is go crazy every time anyone tries to turn it on."

"You know him. Stan's always been weirdly attached to it."

"Yeah, mega-super-weirdly attached to it. Remember that time when..."

While they chatted, Mabel's little boy was playing with his toy dinosaurs on the floor just a few feet away. As he banged them together and made them "fight," he gave the adults a passing glance. Suddenly he was struck hard by a random burst of inspiration. Without delay he stopped his battle and ran over to the couch.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy you gotta lookit me! Mommy! Mommy!" He tugged his mother's sweater and interrupted the conversation.

"We're lookit-ing, hun-bun!" Mabel immediately switched her attention.

"What do you got for us, buddy?" asked Dipper kindly. Finn grinned from ear to ear with anticipation as he raced back over to his toys.

"Lookit! I'm Uncle Dipper!"

"What?" The young man cocked his head.

"I'm YOU! Lookit!" Finn then proceeded to bend over, wrapped his little fingers around one of his dinosaurs and began an extremely enthusiastic performance. The tot began to grunt and shake his little body with pretend exertion as he acted out a mighty effort to pick it up. He even paused to take a heavy breath and wipe his brow a few times before he returned to his labor, acting like the plastic stegosaurus weighed a ton.

From the other side of the room, Gladys watched her brother's silly act for a couple seconds before she burst out tittering, then hurriedly toddled out of the den. Finn meanwhile continued the show, and after pretending to expend all his energy hefting his toy only few feet, he finished by sitting down with a heavy gasp.

The spectacle of course delighted had delighted his mother to absolutely no end. By the time that little boy was done, Mabel had been stricken so hard with uncontrollable laughter that she had fallen off the sofa.

"Yes! YES!" She sat up and clapped enthusiastically. "Perfect!"

"Uhhhh..." Dipper wasn't quite sure how to feel about all this, but he nevertheless put on a weak smile for his nephew's sake. "Good job there, buddy."

"Didya see me?" Finn let his little arms go limp as he flapped them at his uncle. "Just like you!"

"Uh-huh! That's one million percent right, sweetie!" Mabel grabbed up one of her brother's trademark noodle arms and playfully flailed it right back at her son. Dipper managed to get it back (only after a couple hard pulls, though).

"Okay, okay, I get it." He groaned. The young man was now starting to seriously regret the timing his casual visit. He had arrived just as his sister was halfway moving some things into her basement, and of course he had volunteered to help out. And now it was apparent he had made a bit of an impression on the younger generation of Pines. While he rubbed his still slightly sore arms, Mabel reached up and jabbed jim in the shoulder.

"Poke!"

"Hey!"

"Oh just roll with it bro-bro! Besides, that was soooo spot on, and you know it." She ribbed him with a proud smirk.

"I have some muscle." He muttered back defensively.

"And the Mystery Twins are gonna find out where it is one of these days!" Mabel affectionately joked. She barely managed to crawl out of reach before her brother could flip some of her hair into her eyes.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommyyyyyyy!" Gladys squeaked with excitement as she raced back into the room. "Now lookit me! Lookit me, Mommy!"

"Hey! Now just where did you run off to, sweetie?" Her mother tittered.

From the looks of it, Gladys had gone off to raid one of the family's numerous art supply stashes. After some fumbling with her tiny fingers, she managed to open the bag of glitter in her hands. Then without further ado she unceremoniously dumped its contents over her head and coated herself in a layer of sparkling blue. Now that she had officially joined in on the silly fun, the child beamed proudly beneath her shiny new coating.

The second Dipper realized what his niece was trying to do, he was instantly overwhelmed by a chuckle-attack.

"Well?" He looked to his sister and eagerly turned the tables on her. "What do you think? Spot on, huh?"

"Laugh alllllllllll you want, bro-bro! I'm still the mommy of two amazing little actors at the end of the day." His still-giggly sister stuck out her tongue "So _thbbbbbt_!"

"Lookit, Mommy! Lookit me!" Gladys insisted. "Lookit! Finn's Uncle Dippeh, and I'm-"

"I know, I know! Oooohhhh, now who's the real Mommy?" Mabel playfully asked before she got up and began brushing down her glittering tot.

Still laughing, Dipper put on a mock-confused look as he joined in to help out with cleanup. "What's this? Weird, I thought there was only one Mabel living here…."


	97. Who's the Man?

Yikes! So, turns out the last chapter had been previous posted in a shorter, less flushed out form in the last "Odds and Ends," AKA the very chapter that had preceded it. My apologies for being an absentminded nitwit about that - though to be fair, you get to over ninety-something stories (over a hundred if you count all the snippets separately), and it honestly becomes a little tricky keeping track of everything.

Anyways, to make up for that, here's another Pines family moment that I made while geeking out with the co-creator of this entire AU, Bitter-Knitter (who I'm currently helping out with a Star Vs the Forces of Evil fancomic). As usual, hope you folks enjoy! _**\- SGA**_

* * *

Dipper's attention had been completely locked onto the book in his lap when he had reached into the nearby cooler, only to crash right into another hand. He glanced up from the weatherbeaten porch sofa to meet his wife's jade green eyes. Both then glanced down to see that there was only one Pitt Cola remaining in the small pool of half-melted ice.

"It's okay, you can have it." He kindly gave it up. The corners of Wendy's mouth twisted into a playful smirk.

"How about we arm wrestle for it?" She counter-offered.

"Okay, you can definitely have it." Dipper even pushed the dented cooler towards her, but it was already too late. They had attracted the full attention of everyone else lounging on the Shack porch.

"Now this is gonna be sweet." Stan gleeful rubbed his wrinkled hands together in anticipation. "Five bucks says she takes him down in the first second."

"Whooo! Go get her, bro!" Mabel gave her brother an encouraging slap that stung far too much for his liking.

"No one's doing any arm wrestling." He announced firmly.

"C'mon, dude. Show me what you got." Even as she cradled their infant daughter in one arm, she leaned over and planted her elbow on the edge of the battered couch.

"Wendyyy..." He pled. "Don't..."

After playfully beckoning the uncomfortable young man a few times, she burst out snorting with laughter and gave her trooper of a partner a quick peck on his cheek. "Thanks."

Wendy then scooped up the soda and plopped back into her folding chair.

Stan was visibly disappointed. "Way to get our hopes up."

"No one is arm wrestling right now." His great-nephew reiterated, relieved to have been spared an embarrassment.

"Yeah, because she was gonna mop the floor with you." Stan chuckled gruffly, reached out and tugged the cap of the young man's cap down over his face. "End of story."

"Yup." Wendy agreed between sips.

Don't worry, bro." Mabel cooed, then playfully added. "We all still love our scrawny sweetie."

"Yeah, yeah. Wait... wait, that an official thing?" He looked around. "Is it?"

"Aw, don't worry about it, dude!" Soos called from a few yards away. The teddy bear of a man was sitting down in the dirt as he played with Mabel's twins. "So you're our crazy smart, crazy scrawny guy. No shame at all in that! It's just part of your thing!"

"What? Seriously? When did that become the narrative here?" Dipper demanded.

"When was it not? Just look at you! Lots and lots of brains on top of a skinny-scrawny everything! Especially here! " Mabel grabbed both of his arms and shook, sending them flapping about as if her brother was a giant Muppet. "Noodle noodle noodle noodle-"

"Quit it!" he freed himself from her grasp.

"Kidding! Kiiiidddddd-iiinnnggg!" She sang.

"If ask me, I say that Mabel's actually got kind of a point." Stan decided to carry on with the playful teasing. He finished the rest of his own soda with one gulp and continued, "You're pretty far from the picture that comes to mind when most people think of 'tough guy.'"

"Okay, hold on. When has that been an issue?" Dipper demanded defensively.

"Not sayin' it's some kind of deal. I'm just sayin'." Stan then cracked, "You're pretty lucky you managed to bag yourself a tough lady. I bet she comes in handy for when all those trains brains couldn't do the trick."

"Oh, c'mon! Seriously?" He griped.

"Like I said. Just sayin.'" The old man laughed.

"Hey, in case you forgot, I've faced down zombies, dinosaurs, a giant robot...seriously, how can you forget Gideon's giant robot? And that was all from before I even turned thirteen! How about just last week when that manticore-"

"Kid, relax. Nobody's one saying you can't put up a fight when you need to." Stan chuckled as he continued to get his easily-flustered great-nephew all wound up. "But that's not changing the fact you just don't look like the kind of guy who gets into heavy scraps like that all the time. I mean, you're the kind of guy who still listens to...what's their name again? Pabba? Mabba?"

"Babba! And that doesn't mean anything, they're music icons who crafted timeless hits!" Dipper snapped back far too ferociously for his own good. Once he realized just how big of a fuss he made over his beloved classic Icelandic pop band, he slunk deep in his seat. His great-uncle meanwhile gruffly barked with laughter before he continued the affectionate ribbing.

"Yeah, you've got guts, and you can strike back like heck when you have to. But still, you can't deny it. You're pretty far from a man's man. I mean, just everything about you practically screams it."

"Okay...so if I don't match up with it at all, then what does count as a man's man?" Dipper decided to ask. Stan smiled cockily.

Well, I don't like to toot my horn too much," he lied. "But-"

"Gegunkle Stan?" A little voice and a tug on his shirt interrupted him The old man turned his attention to the toddler standing at his feet.

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"Will you play tea pawty with me?" She chirped hopefully.

"Huh? Why can't you play with your brother and Soos?"

"Nuh-uh! They'we playin' dinosaws. But I wanna play tea pawty." Gladys shot back with adorable insistence.

"Well Melody's somewhere in the house, I'm sure she'd be fine with it. Or just ask you-"

The tot swooped in and hugged his leg tightly. "Nuh-uh! I wanna play with you!"

"Whoa, hold on-"

"I wanna play with you, Gegunkle Stan!" She aggressively begged, "Pleeeease? Pleeeeeeeeeease?"

This request hadn't come with the best of timing, to put it lightly. Stan began to go a little red in the face as he said softly, "Maybe a little later-"

"Why not not? C'mon, Gegunkle Stan! C'monnnnnn! You're the best at tea pawties!" She said matter-of-factly.

"Ooooh, is that so?" Wendy raised an eyebrow and chuckled.

"Yeah!" Gladys turned and grinned at her lumberjill aunt. "He's the BEST!"

Stan winced. "Uh-"

"Pleeeeeeeeease?" Gladys shot up an enormous pair of doe eyes. "Miss Bunny and Misteh Quackers really wanna see you again!"

"Maybe-"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Awwwwwwww!" Mabel clasped her hands and gushed ecstatically. Unable to say no for the life of himself, the old man finally gave in to the inevitable. He very slowly stood up with an audible creak of old bones.

"Yaaaaaay!" His great-great-nice squealed delightedly, nabbed him by the hand and led the way.

"I uh….I'll be back in a while. Gotta take care of something." Stan mumbled. He looked down towards Gladys to try and hide some of the red glow that was lighting up his wrinkled face. "Um, c'mon sweetie."

Before they both headed into the Shack, Dipper couldn't resist the opportunity. He called out, "Hey, Grunkle Stan?"

"Yeah?" He stopped, even as Gladys impatiently tugged his hand.

"You know, you're right. I've never been to much of a tough guy. I just take way too much after some people in this family." The young man cracked with a smirk.

"Oooohhhhhhh! Burn!" An extremely proud Wendy gave her husband a mighty high-five. Meanwhile, Stan gave his great-nephew a respectful nod. He figured it was the very least he could do.

"This round definitely goes to you, kid…."


	98. Odds and Ends - 15

Oooohhhh boy, it's **_definitely_** been a while since I've uploaded anything, to say the least. There's been a lot happening on my end, and to be honest, it hasn't actually let up all too much. However, I still find times to write here and there, and have managed to compose and cobble together another group of little odds and ends pieces of little snippets here and there from the life of the Pines.

As usual, hope you enjoy! - **_SGA_**

* * *

"_**Set An Extra Place"**_

"Good morning, bro-bro!" Mabel cheerily bid her twin as he slouched into the Mystery Shack's kitchen. After she flashed him her iconic toothy smile, she resumed feeding her squeaky little twins. With every spoonful she fed Finn, she made sure to imitate a chugging train, with the occasional toot of a train whistle thrown in for the pure fun of it. Meanwhile, every spoonful that reached Gladys's mouth was was a zooming airplane coming in for a landing.

While his sister filled the otherwise quiet Shack with her enthusiastic sound effects, Dipper let out a yawn and sleepily nodded before he beelined towards the coffee maker.

"Mornin', Mabel." Dipper he mumbled. The young man slowly but gradually put together a fresh pot for himself, his wife who was still slumbering back on the air mattress on the other side of the first floor, and both their loudly snoring grunkles upstairs. As he shuffled over to a cabinet get a fresh filter, he nodded to the little pig on the floor.

"Mornin' Waddles." He then noticed that his sister's pet wasn't the only one face down in the food bowl. "G'morni-"

Dipper's eyes snapped open. In a heartbeat he went from half-asleep to awake as physically possible. For a few moments all he could do was stare dumbly at the little scaly guest that was still munching down generic brand pet food. While he processed the fact that a tiny dragon was in the house, Mabel focused on feeding her little ones.

"…..Here we gooooo! Coming in for a landing at Glad-Glad International Airport!" Mabel cooed and waved the spoonful of mashed sweet potato and apple in the air.

"Mabel?" Dipper found his voice again. "What is this?"

"Huh?" She turned. "Oh! I found him when I let Waddles out! This little rascal was looking through our garbage for something to eat! Weren't you? Weren't you, huh?"

The little dragon looked up, and let out a smoky snort.

"I named him Alejandro!" She told her twin very matter-of-factly, still wearing her trademark grin. Dipper meanwhile could feel his heart race as his anxiety climbed.

"You….you….brought a baby dragon into the Shack?!" He yelped.

"Not brought. Invited!" She corrected.

"Invited? Mabel, this thing has a mother somewhere! Somewhere out there there's a full grown female dra-"

"Well yeah, but whoever she is, she seems fine letting him play and explore." Mabel calmly countered without so much as a hint of worry.

"What?!"

"Just look at him! He doesn't look freaked out or scared or anything. He was totally fine when I met him. He was hunting around and doing his own thing for a bit, that's all!" She brushed aside her twin's very obvious concerns.

"So if he was fine, why did you bring him inside?" He pointed out yet again. She rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"Ohhhh don't give me that look! It wasn't like I was going to keep him like some big ol' dummy-dumb! I just thought that with the way he was chomping around in the garbage, maybe he'd like a little snack before he headed back home." The young woman replied matter-of-factly. "Besides, he saw me and Waddles come outside. We made eye contact! What was I supposed to do, pretend he wasn't there like a-"

Dipper however wasn't listening anymore. He was now a (panicked) man on a mission. He dashed from the kitchen and returned quickly after having changed into hiking boots, jeans, and a flannel shirt in record time. The little dragon snuffled bewilderedly as the young man swept it off the floor and booked it for the door.

"C'mon little guy! We gotta get you back out near your mom, now!" He said breathlessly.

"Dipper!" Mabel called out, but in a flash her brother was outside and dashing towards the woods with the slightly confused, but still very calm little dragon pup in his hands. Mabel shook her head, picked up the jar of mashed apple and sweet potato and continued with her children's breakfast. But before she brought another spoon-train chugging towards Finn, she shook her head and sighed. "Jeeeee-eeeeez! Did you see that?"

The baby twins both stared wordlessly back at her. She defensively acquiesced, "Okay, okay I get the whole being careful stuff. I mean, that's a big part of your uncle's thing. But if you ask me, that was any way to treat a guest."

* * *

"_**Taking Work Home"**_

A rhythmic knock at the apartment door grabbed the attention of the redhead and her baby miniature as they played on the floor. While little Phoebe curiously looked up from her toy blocks, Wendy broke out into a toothy smile and started drumming her palms on the living room carpet.

"Hey, who's that?" She asked excitedly. "Who's that? You know who's at the door, cutie? Do ya?"

There was another rhythmic knock. The baby's emerald green eyes lit up as recognition dawned, and Wendy's already enormous grin stretched even wider.

"Yeeeaaah, YOU know who that is!" She continued to psyche her tyke up. Right on cue, the door was unlocked and opened from the outside and there stood exhausted, dirty, but also very happy young man.

"I'm home!" Dipper announced with no small amount of relief. He was loaded up like a pack mule as he stumbled on in, freshly returned from a museum-funded dig in Utah. The myriad of bags he carried rained down on the floor in a symphony of thuds as put them down fast as he could for the baby that was toddling her way towards him.

Phoebe squeaked with delight and stretched her tiny arms out. She didn't even wait to be swept up. Using skills inherited from her mother, she latched onto her father's leg and began steadily scaling him like he was a noodly tree, and made it all the way up to his waist before Dipper could pick her up.

"Hey there, sweetie." He gasped, kissed her forehead, and hugged her tightly. "Ooooohhh, I missed you sooooo much."

Phoebe still couldn't talk properly yet, but she seemed to agree with a chirp while she burrowed her head right into the crook of his neck.

"Welcome back, Indiana Jones." Wendy playfully flicked his cap out his head before the two shared a kiss. Now that they were reunited, she got to work lazily shoving all his gear to one side of the room where he could unpack them tomorrow morning. "So, find anything good on your last day, or was it just more Shosone pottery?"

"...Mostly pottery shards." Dipper said after a telltale pause. Wendy shot her husband a look.

"Mostly?"

"IIIIIII….may have discovered a little extra a few days ago." Dipper said enigmatically.

It took some coaxing, but he managed to peel Phoebe off and pass her into his wife's arms, despite the baby's squeaks of protest. The girls watched on as he opened a duffel bag, and out came something that had been securely, albeit crudely wrapped up in several layers of clothes. It was small wonder Dipper reeked as if he hadn't changed in at least three days.

"What is that?"

"You'll see." He undid the multiple layers, until he finally revealed the spectacular discovery that had been hiding underneath

"Whooaaaa…." Wendy marveled at the extremely well-preserved dinosaur fossil. The skull was about as big as a grizzly bear's as it now lay on full display on the floor. "Holy…...Dipper, you found a…... wait…..why did you have to haul this back? Couldn't they have just brought it back to the museum with everything else you guys dug up? And shouldn't they? I mean, this is like, a HUGE deal, right? Just look at it."

"Uh, yeah, about that…." Dipper coughed nervously as his trademark nervous sweat began beading on his face. "You see….um…..interesting thing, no one else….really knows…..that I found this."

Wendy gawked at him in disbelief for a few moments. But it wasn't long before the corners of her mouth curls, and she burst out cackling at her spouse. "Oh...my….God! That's….that's AWESOME! Check it out Phoebe! Your dad snagged us a sweet….."

"No, I didn't-" He tried to protest. Wendy however was distracted talking to their daughter.

"...I don't believe it. Ooooh, now this is goin' right on the coffee table." She excitedly began making plans. "Or, maybe near the TV., Or maybe right over the bed! Yeah, like, all mounted and stuff. And if anyone asks we can say it's just some fake souvenir from the Mystery Shack or-"

"Wendy, I didn't keep it a secret just to decorate the apartment!" Dipper interrupted. Wendy raised any eyebrow.

"Okay...but then why bring it here and not tell anyone?"

"I took it because…..well, because I'm pretty sure it's something that we need to take care of. Or at least look into."

"Huh?" Wendy looked down at the skull and then saw its jaws were bound up tightly with heavy duty duct tape. The bemused lumberjill knelt down. "Hey, what's with all the-"

Dipper saw their little daughter curiously reach out as soon as it got in arm's reach. "NO!"

Phoebe lightly touched the fossil, and the entire skull jerked so hard in response that it ended up bouncing a few inches into the air. Dipper moved like lightening placed himself square between skull and his family. Meanwhile Wendy's parental instincts blasted into overdrive and she shot all the way to the other side of the room as fast as her legs could carry her.

The annoyed skull meanwhile continued to thrash, shake, buck about, and let out what sounded like muffled growls,. Thankfully, the duct tape held tightly. After recovering from the nasty spook, Phoebe removed her face from where she had buried it in her mother's shoulder and scowled angrily at the offending skull.

"What the…." Wendy cautiously made her way over and tapped the fossilized skull with her foot. It let out an extra-loud growl as it strained in vain against its constraints. Not wanting to take any chances, Dipper took out a tape roll from his bag and bound up the jaws even more for good measure.

With Phoebe still clinging tightly to her like a baby koala, Wendy helped by fetching a few towels that she used to wrap it up under several tightly bound layers. Dipper then secured these with even more tape, and he then slipped it back into the duffel bag.

"Okay, NOW I get it." Wendy announced.

"I made some calls already. Mabel's coming in the morning, and Stan and Ford should be here by dinner tomorrow to check it out." Dipper explained.

"Sounds like a plan." Wendy nodded, looked at her husband's strange find and then remarked, "Well, this is a new one for us."

"Definitely." The young man wiped his brow, the stretched out his skinny arms and bringing his family close for an exhausted hug. The three of them watched the bag tremble as its contents continue to angrily rage.

"Hey, Dipper?"

"Yeah?"

"Does the rest of its skeleton freak out like this too, or what?" Wendy couldn't help but curiously pry.

"Honestly? I don't know. After I almost lost my hand, I didn't feel like digging around for the rest of it…"

* * *

"_**Teaching"**_

"...Oh no! Foiled by the molasses swamp yet again!" Soos bemoaned as his Candyland piece got hopelessly bogged down, as happened almost every single game. Mabel and her little ones erupted with a chorus of giggles, and Melody couldn't help but snort as she gave her husband a pat on the shoulder. As the Shack living room filled with the sounds of mirth, Dipper entered with a puzzled look on his face.

"Hey, is Phoebe with you guys?" He asked.

"Hey, Dipdop! Nope, no Fee-Fee here" Mabel replied. "She's probably with Wen-Wen."

"That's what I've been guessing." The young man scratched his head. "But I haven't seen either of them for a while."

"Maybe Wendy's putting the baby down for her nap?" Melody suggested.

"Already checked. They're not in the room-"

"Oh!" Soos face-palmed. "I saw Wen-dawg take your little dudette outside for something."

"Thanks Soos!" Dipper grinned with relief, then headed out of the Shack. However, he didn't see a single sign of his wife or child outside. He walked out a little further until her could see Wendy's old hideout on top of the roof, where she often liked to go sun herself while Phoebe napped in her arms. However, the lawn chair up there was empty as could be. He checked the gravel parking lot and saw that their car was still there, smack between Stan's old cadillac and Mabel's Prius.

"Maybe they went for a walk?" He wondered out loud while he wandered around. He started a loop around the Shack, and was halfway done when he heard a familiar squeak.

"Da-ee!"

"THERE you are!" He turned around with a laugh. "What have you and your mom been up-"

Dipper didn't see a single soul anywhere in sight. "Uh…...Phoebe? Sweetie?"

"Da-ee!" He distinctly heard her call back from somewhere nearby, but still he didn't see any trace of her.

"Phoebe? Phoebe!" He cast his gaze around everywhere. "Phoebe? Come to Daddy, sweetie!"

"Da-ee! Da-eeeee! Da-ee!" Some rustling joined his daughter's cries.

"Wait!" Another familiar voice called out from seemingly out of thin air. "Cutie, hold on-"

"Da-ee!" What looked like a tiny living shrub burst out of the nearby woods and beelined for Dipper. After excitedly running for several yards, it tripped overs its own two feet and fell flat on its stomach, sending enough twigs and leaves scattering to partially reveal the little girl that was underneath. The now half-camouflaged little redhead got up and booked it to her father, who awaited her with noodle arms at the ready.

"Gotcha!" He swooped her up and gave her a gentle toss that made her squeal happily. As she hugged him tightly, a much larger shrub nearby suddenly stood up and revealed itself to be a wiry young woman.

"Hey dude." Wendy chuckled as she picked the bundle of twigs and leaves off the top of her head.

"Hey there." Dipper shook with laughter at the sight pupil and teacher cut. "So, how's the lesson going?"

"Pretty good so far for just her first one." Wendy chortled as she gave their child a pat on the head, sending more strategically placed leaves and twigs falling off the both of them. "She's gotten pretty good at the getting hidden part. Looks like the staying hidden part could still use some work, though…."

* * *

**_"Easy Come, Easy Go"_**

"Mommy?" Mabel felt a tug on her color-splattered jean leg. She immediately put a pause on her painting and turned to her daughter.

"Hey there, hun-bun!" She immediately noted the concern on Gladys's little face. "What's wrong? Did Mr. Quackers get stuck behind the sofa again.

"No." Gladys shook her head. "The miwwoh lady won't go away."

"The who?" Mabel raised an eyebrow and leaned down closer.

"The miwwoh lady." Gladys repeated.

"The mirror lady?" Her mother translated the lisped word curiously.

"Yeah!" Her tyke nodded. "She's bein' all weiwd."

"Get OUT!" Mabel could hear her son yell frustratedly from across the house. "You're blockin' the way! Get out! Get out!"

Something was definitely up here, to say the least. Mabel immediately got up from the kitchen table and followed her little daughter down the hall and into the entrance of her own bedroom, where Finn was scowling at the mirror hanging on the inside of the door. Her son scampered over to her as soon as she arrived on the scene.

"Mommy, she won't leave!" He complained. "We can't see ANYTHING else!"

"Yeah! She's messin' up our funny face contest!" Protested Gladys.

"Who is?" Asked the young woman, and the kids pointed at the mirror.

Mabel curiously approached and at first only saw herself looking back in the glass. However, things very quickly took a strange turn when her reflection raised her hand on her own, waved an emotionless goodbye, and then sidestepped out of sight without a word.

"Hey!" Mabel cocked her head. "Where are you going?"

Having vanished from view, her reflection didn't answer. The mirror then stood empty for a few moments. Suddenly, someone new stepped arose in place of Mabel's missing reflection. It was a short woman that looked absolutely nothing like the puzzled brunette who was still staring into the reflective glass. The apparition was an extremely sickly-looking thing, with skin as pale as a corpse stretched over a skeletal-thin body. She was clad in an old black dress and shawl combination that definitely wasn't modern by any standard, and would have looked far more at home in an antique black and white photo. She looked directly at Mabel with her sunken, unblinking eyes, and then opened her mouth. Her jaw distended lower, lower, and lower to even more inhuman lengths, down to her chest as let out a silent scream from the other side.

Despite what she was looking at, Mabel however was not horrified, scared, or even the slightest bit spooked. She was only surprised for a few seconds before she shrugged the paranormal oddity off. "Well, I guess that's the end of that!"

Without further ado, she picked the mirror off the door with a grunt, then carried it down the hall, and all the way through her sliding doors and into the backyard of her snug little house. Waddles IV looked up from where he had been sunning himself with a curious grunt.

"Sweeties? Can you bring Waddles inside for me, please?" She requested.

The children did as bid, taking the family pet by his collar and guiding him over the threshold. There all three settled down and watched on.

"Whatcha doin', Mommy?" Asked Finn.

"Makin' the weird lady go away, of course!" Mabel replied. She lay the mirror down, zipped back into the house, and quickly fetched one of her large painting tarps that she set the mirror face-up upon. While inside she had also slipped on an old thick sweater, some work gloves, and a hammer that she raised high.

When the ghastly woman saw what was going on, her jaw sprang back into place. After letting out a dismayed squeak she started gesturing frantically.

"Waitwait, no, hold on! I live in he-"

Mabel shattered it with just one blow. A bluish-white puff went up and dispersed into the air with what sounded a lot like an annoyed groan. With the job done, Mabel began folding the mess up into the tarp for safe and efficient disposal.

"Is she gone?" Finn called.

"Yup, allllll gone! No more spooky gal creeping up Casa de la Pines!" Mabel reassured with two thumbs up and a warm smile. Once she had wrapped the broken mirror and its shards up, she set it near the garbage cans by the side of her house where it would stay until trash day. She then strolled back in with a clap of her hands and an eager cry, "Okay, whooooo's ready for snack tiiiime?"

"Me! Me! Me!"

"I am, Mommy!"

Waddles IV sensed something involving food was happening, and headed after the rest of the clan.

"Whooo, now that was freaky, huh? But I guess that kinda serves me right for making a total impulse buy yesterday!" Mabel concluded with a bubbly titter while they all trooped into the kitchen. "Okay hun-buns, I guess Mommy has a new duty for you two."

"Doody!" Gladys playfully repeated, and giggled as her mother made a face at her.

"You big silly, you know that's not what Mommy's talking about!" Mabel shook with laughter. "I mean I got a mission for you two!"

"Whats the mission?" Finn began to bounce about excitedly.

"Next time we go to a yard sale, I need you to make sure that I'm way, way, waaaaaaaaaay more careful before I get anything….."


	99. Odds and Ends - 16

Heya, folks! Hope you've all been well. Here's the latest (and admittedly sizable batch) of snippets starring the Pines clan which I've written up with the snatches of free time that I've snag here and there. As usual, hope you enjoy!

_**\- SGA**_

* * *

**"Radio Interview"**

"...So it's like I just said, we haven't found too much yet, but what little we've unearthed so far has gotten us very excited. And if there's even more artifacts just like them hidden deeper and just waiting to be dug up….well, then it's possible that may have to start looking at our local history in a radically different way very, very soon." The young man explain with a grin of geeky delight.

"Fascinating." The woman across from him remarked with an intrigued nod. She then leaned closer to her microphone, "Again, if you're just tuning in, I'm currently with local archaeologist Dipper Pines here at 'What's Going on Around Here?' on public radio station WBNK, talking with him about what might be the remains of a previously unknown Spanish mission that was recently discovered on the outskirts of the city. I thank our guest for sharing everything he can with us on the museum's excavation efforts so far, and now we'll take our first callers."

Dipper couldn't help but drum his fingers upon the table in anticipation. So far, this publicity for the major dig he was managing was turning out very well.

"Alright then, caller, you're on the air." The host pressed a minute and announced in a welcoming dulcet tone. The shrill squeal that proceeded to blast out over the line made both her and her guest jolt in discomfort.

"DIPPER! Hey! It's me!" Said the familiar voice. "Mabel! You're sister! I'm speaking to you over the phone right now!"

Dipper winced as he adjusted his earphones. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Uh, hi Mabel."

"Hey there! Isn't this awesome?" His twin gabbed on. "I mean, just look at you! Moving on up, getting some sweet publically-funded publicity, letting all those folks out there about the a-may-ziiiing things you've been up to! Wow, I almost can't believe it! My brother, out here in the spotlight! Dipper, this is HUUUGE!"

"Thanks." Dipper replied as he posted the show host an apologetic look. "So, uh…..the support's nice, but did you have to call in? I mean, I've been telling you about this whole project since the start. You already know more than...well, anyone who's listening."

"Yeah I do! But just because I know all about the stuff that you've been digging up doesn't mean I can't cheer my bro-bro on with your very first interview! I might, what kind of sister would I be otherwise? Besides, it'd be kind of weird if I just stood right here without talking to you just a little bit."

"Stood right where?" Dipper turned, and on the other side of the soundproof window and standing amongst a few techs was an ecstatic-looking young woman. While she held her phone to her ear, she waved furiously at her twin with her free hand.

"Heeeeey there, stranger! I seeee yooooou!"

"See you too." The now beet-red young man said with a weak grin while he waved back.

"Well….this is definitely a first on our show." The host tried to keep her composure, but was clearly fighting hard to hold in her laughter. "Uh….so, Mabel? I thank you for being a model of family support for our listeners, but do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Ask away! By the way, Terri, love, love, looove listening to your show!" Said the young woman into the phone.

"Why, thank you. Now…..how exactly did you get into our studio?"

"Oooohh, I asked around, and got a little inside help to get me here for my brother's big morning!" Mabel said enigmatically with a fat smile.

"Inside help?" She cast her gaze at the radio crew.

"Sorry, Judy. That was me." One of the techs pressed a button and confessed into the room, before awkwardly adding, "I….only thought it was fair. Mabel is kinda my kid's favorite teacher at school…."

* * *

"**Are you My Mommy?"**

"I'm-" Dipper was about to his announce his arrival home when he was interrupted mid-sentence by a quick shush. Instinctively he clamped his lips shut, and didn't open them up again until he approached the two redheads perched the living room sofa.

"Hey." He greeted in a hushed tone.

"Hey, dude." Wendy craned her head up so they could share a quick kiss. Dipper's gaze turned to their sleeping four-year-old, who was lying curled up tight against Wendy. He reached out and gently stroked her head. Their little girl looked exhausted.

"YIkes. Is Phoebe okay?"

"She's cool. Just got a little stressed out, that's all." replied Wendy, much to his immediate concern.

"Stressed? About what?" He asked, and Wendy reflexively gestured for him to calm down.

"She…." She had to pause to try and muffle a snort of laughter. "Okay, so get this. It all started when she asked me if I was really her mom."

"...Wait, what?" Dipper didn't quite believe what he was hearing.

"Ohhh yeah. She had been hovering around me for a while for like, half an hour, and right as I was getting some deer out to defrost for dinner, she finally asked me straight-up."

"Seriously? She said that?"

"Uh-huh. So, of course I had to stop everything and it kinda became this whole big mother-daughter thing. Like, I had to sit her down and tell her yeah, I'm definitely your mama. But even if we got you from somewhere else, that wouldn't have changed anything at, because in the end you'd my kid, and I'd still love you like crazy no matter what." She explained quite cooley.

"Wow. That's….." Dipper shook his head before putting it softly, "That sounded like it was….a lot to handle."

"You're telling me." Wendy chuckled.

"Well, it sounds like you did a good job explaining that to her," Dipper complemented. "But….you have any idea where that question came from? I mean, you two kinda…."

He pointed to Wendy's pale freckled face, then at Phoebe's pale freckle-spotted face. She laughed softly, "Oh, you mean that she looks like someone made me my own little clone?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Okay, soooo, when I was talking about families and stuff, it turns out that wasn't what she was asking about at all. It kinda took awhile to get that out of her, though. So you know how my neck's been really stiff since I slept on it all weird last night?"

"What does that have to do with…." Dipper paused and thought it over. "Oooohh, NO. What did she think-"

"She thought maybe I was a robot that was starting to go haywire." Wendy had to bite her lip to muffle another chuckle for the sake of the tot in her lap. "So that's a thing that happened

"Oooohhh, honey." Dipper's heart went out to his little girl as he started to stroke her head again. "Is that why your hair's wet?"

His wife grinned as she brushed a few damp scarlet locks out of her face.

"Uh huh. I held it under the shower for a few minutes. When I didn't short-circuit from the water, Phoebe finally decided that I was the real deal." Wendy snorted. Dipper leaned over and gently gathered their still-sleeping daughter into his arms.

"I…..wanna say that's kinda too much for a four-year-old to be anxious about." He grimaced. "But then again….well, it's not like this kind of stuff hasn't even happened in this family before."

"Dude, it's just like Mabes keeps saying." Wendy chortled. "She's totally just you in a me-wrapping…."

* * *

"**That Family Entrepreneurial Spirit"**

"...Almost done…..and…..done! That makes thirty of Mabel's patented, high-quality and utterly adorable Breakfast-Bibs, all finished and ready to go!" The young woman announced. She's been an extremely productive time in merely the last hour; this final bib was the last of five she had quickly whipped up since she had put her babies down for their morning nap. After taking a moment to bask in her success, she immediately took her personal creation (which was cutely crafted to look like a fried egg), added it to a pile of identical bibs, and began carefully them up with tissue paper. Dipper removed his nose from his book and glanced up from his side of the old sofa.

"Those all going to the county women's shelter?"

"Yup! Gonna drop 'em off tomorrow soon as I can!" His twin said excitedly.

"Hey, I was planning on running into town to get some stuff at the store later." Wendy paused her whittling. "You wanna just come with after the kids wake up, and then maybe take them for a walk in the stroller or something?"

"Oooooh, yes please! And maybe we can stop by…."

While the three made afternoon plans, one of the two old men seated in the pair rockers on the Shack porch was staring curiously upon Mabel's creations. His great niece quickly noticed his gaze.

"Check it out, Grunkle Ford!" She held one of the egg-bibs up. "Awesome, right?"

"Well, yes they're very nice. I'm just….hold on…." Ford reached for his tablet. After a few swipes, he checked with her, "So….you'll be donating all those for free today, right?"

"Yup-indeedy! Some mommies are getting a little something cute for their little honey-pies!"

"Alright…..if you're giving away those….." He turned the tablet around to show off the page for her personal online Craftsy shop. "Then why are you selling them for twenty dollars each here?"

"Because lots of people with too much money think that the higher prices mean those bibs are extra-better!" She replied sweetly, without a moment's hesitation or an ounce of remorse.

"Wait…..you've been doing what?" Dipper raised an eyebrow and chuckled with intrigued amusement.

"Being an entrepreneurial wizard with my side business, that's what!" Mabel cheered.

Wendy burst out cackling at her sister in law and clapped her hands in sound approval. "Mabes? You're seriously the best."

"I know I am! Finn and Glad-Glad's college fund, here I come!"

Before Ford could make some remarks, on his great-niece's pricing methods, he heard a loud and unmistakable sniffle right next to him.

"Stan?" He turned to his twin. "Are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine. It's nothing, I just….I….." Stan sniffed again. It wasn't long until he actually seemed to be on the verge of crying, much to his brother's enormous shock. As he wiped at his wet, dripping eyes, the biggest smile swept across his wrinkled face. "I'm just so freakin' proud of her right now….."

* * *

"**Confusing" **

It was a low-key evening in the apartment. As Wendy flipped through channel after channel on a hunt for something decent to watch, Dipper was buried in one of his personal research journals on the other end of the sofa, busily scribbling in some updates he had been meaning to get around to for a couple entries.

While he was deeply immersed in his work, Phoebe meanwhiles was just as engrossed in another one of his journals as she sat on the floor. The detailed drawings of the various supernatural creatures and paranormal oddities (all done by her Aunt Mabel, of course, as artistic talent far surpassed her father's) always held a deep fascination for her. Most of these were phenomena and cryptids were things that she had yet to personally see for herself in her short life to date

Even more fascinating were the various photos that were pasted in for some of the entries. She turned a page, and found herself presented with two that made her emerald eyes go wide. Dipper noticed her lean in for a closer look.

"What are you looking at, honey?" He playfully asked. The young man saw that it was pictures of the aftermath of a brawl they had with some hungry ghouls two summers ago. The photos' subject matter, to say the least, were quite messy. However, Phoebe wasn't spooked, or even remotely put off in the slightest. She just examined them with the same straightforward curiosity as she would a new food or toy. Dipper shook his head with amazement at the sight. "Hey, Wendy?"

"Yeah?" She passed a glance from her end of the sofa, took one look at what was happening and immediately burst out with a laughing snort.

"Okay cutie, seriously." The bemused woman sat up and gave her deeply distracted daughter a pat on the head. "How can you be so cool with stuff like this, and STILL be so scared of the vacuum cleaner? Like, I've seriously never seen anyone hate something that badly."

Dipper shrugged. "I'm still hoping that we'll get some answers when she finally learns to talk…."

* * *

"**Speech Therapy"**

The long weekend spent hanging out with Pacifica on her friend's yacht off the scenic northwest coast had been an absolute blast. However, now that the mini-vacation was over, Mabel Pines was definitely more than ready to be reunited again with her family, especially her dearly beloved little twins. The young woman was squirming uncontrollably with excitement as she pulled her ruby-red hybrid her driveway.

"Aannnnnd, Mabel's back!" She turned off the ignition and threw her arms in the air with a loud cheer. Leaving her bags behind, she bounded from her car and bounced up to her front steps, whooping all the while, "Okay, everyone Mommy's hooooooooome!"

Thanks to the jubilant racket she had made outside, one of the babysitters was nearly at the door by the time she threw it open. Dipper appeared and grinned welcomingly.

"Hey Ma-"

He didn't get a chance to finish. As soon as Mabel saw that her niece wasn't in his arms, she knew that she was free to tackle-hug him without any dangerous risk (well, excluding the risk to her brother). The siblings hit the floor with an enormous thud

"Good to see you too." Dipper grunted after she nearly crushed his ribs with the force of sibling affection, then hefted him back onto his feet.

"Yo, Mabes!" Wendy joined them, with her little doppelganger clinging to her side.

"Heeeey Wen-Wen! Ooooohh, and hello my little Fee-Fee!" Mabel hugged her sister-in-law around the neck, then proceeded to dot her niece's freckled cheeks with kisses. By now Waddles IV had arrived, but as she vigorously scratched him behind the ears, she finally realized something. "Wait….where are my babies?"

"Don't worry, they're here. They just wanted to wait. One of them has something very special to-"

Mabel's tots couldn't hold out any longer. Before their uncle could finish the setup, they burst from around the corner to reveal the big surprise.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Gladys yelled.

"Listen to Gladys, Mommy!" Finn demanded and pointed eagerly to his sister. "Listen! Listen, Mommy!"

The little girl took a deep breath, then shouted out loud, "R-RABBIT!"

"Rabbit? Hahaha! So what kinda rabbit are you, you little-" Mabel's eyes bugged out as soon as she realized what just happened. "You…..you said rabbit with an 'r'...Glad-Glad, you…..you actually…."

"Did you hear her? Didya? Didya hear her, Mommy" Finn bounced around her, then turned back to his twin. "Do it again!"

Gladys was more than happy to oblige. She took a deep breath and yelled, "RABBIT! RABBIT!"

"Do another! Like, like….." Finn was so excited that he had trouble thinking. "Rock!"

"Yeah! ROCK! ROCK! R-ROCK!" His sister now jumped up and down like her feet were made of rubber. "ROCK!"

"Run! Say run!" He urged her on.

"RUN! RUN! RUN! ROCK! RUN! RABBIT! ROCK! RED! ROLL!" Gladys boomed out.

"Gladys, you…...y-you….." It took a while until Mabel was able to believe her own ears. She then clenched her fists, let out an ecstatic shriek that filled her whole house, and swept up her little girl into a hug. "Oooohh, Glad-Glad! Listen to you!"

"Yeah, listen to me, Mommy!" Gladys laughed delightedly. "Red! Rabbit! R-rectangle! Winkle! Nonono, wait….wr...wrinkle!"

"Say car!" Mabel eagerly asked. "Say car for Mommy!"

"Car!"

"Now say CRAZY!"

"CRRRAZY!" She giggled uncontrollably with her mother.

"Oooohh, listen to you! Listen to yoooou! You can say your R's! You can say your R's! My Glad-Glad can say her R's now! YES!" She hugged her tot tight and jubilantly bounced up and down. Mabel then began glancing back and forth between her sister-in-law and brother and bombarding them with a barrage of questions. "When did THIS happen? In just the last few days? And how? How'd you guys do it? How'd my Glad-Glad turn into a little pronunciation princess? How?"

"Well don't look at me. It was this dork here who decided that Gla-" Wendy began as she gave her husband a loving pat on the back.

But before the lumberjill could get one single syllable further, Mabel surged over and smashed Dipper close to her with one just arm, while she continued proudly hugging Gladys with the other. For the second time in just the last five minutes he found himself getting lovingly smashed. But even as his twin squeezed him tight in her grasp and babbled out thank-you after thank-you after thank-you after thank, he was still able to smile along with everyone else.

"Long story short," He wheezed, "I put in a loooot of hours with her this weekend…."

* * *

**"Another Good Attempt"**

"Ready or nooooot! Here I cooooome!" The loud yell rang out from inside the Mystery Shack.

Outside, a little redhead stifled a giggle before she pressed herself deeper into the bushes lining the side of the tourist trap. After making herself more comfortable, she settled down with a smug smirk. Now all she had to do was wait it out here until the seeker inevitably gave up. Thanks to numerous lessons from her mother, camouflage had became second nature to her, and today she was pulling out all the stops. Dirt had been streaked strategically across her pale freckled cheeks, a mix of leaves and twigs were now covering her body, and she had even threaded a few branches into her short shoulder-length locks.

There was no doubt in her mind that she had made herself one with the surrounding shrubberies as much as humanly possible. And that meant that victory was as good as hers. After all, her cousin was going to be looking for a person, not a bush. She could already hear Gladys calling out at the top of her lungs and announcing that she had given up the search-

"FOUND YOU!" The very same girl that Phoebe had been imagining suddenly her head into the bushes with a fat smile and a jubilant cry. Were she not so snugly tucked away, the little redhead might have sprang several feet into the air like a startled cat. Gladys meanwhile shook with laughter as she grabbed her cousin by the wrists and tugged her free.

"Okay, now let's go find Finn!" She laughed. But a very stunned Phoebe wanted to clear up a few things first.

"Wha? But….but how?" She protested.

"How what?" Asked the older girl as she bounced on her light-up sneakers.

"How with….with THIS! It's not fair!" The redhead bemoaned as she shook her makeshift camouflage off. "You find me first almost every time! I cover myself up and do everything right, but it never works!"

"Awwwwwww! Don't be upset! You do a GREAT job at going invisible!" Gladys pat her back, then swept her up off her feet and into a crushing hug. "But nothing can keep me away from from my Phoebs for very long!"

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Phoebe groaned into her cousin's blue-and-yellow dyed hair.

"Ooooh, maybe that's what it is! I got myself a Sixth Sense! A Phoebe-sense!" Gladys speculated. But she changed her mind after she put put Phoebe down. "Actually no, that'd probably be the seventh sense, because I would have gotten by twin sense first. Anyway, I just know where to look! That's all!"

"You're way, way too good at it." Phoebe eyed her older cousin and big sisterly figure with a suspicious look.

"Yeah, I guess I'm a pro." She laughed as she let go. But when she noted the still-frustrated look on Phoebe's face, she ruffled the younger girl's scarlet locks and smiled. "Awwwwwww, it's okay! You should be flattered I always find you first!"

"How?"

"Because if I don't have my awesome tracker with me, then it's always way, way, waaaaay harder to find the dummy dumb places my maca-broni got himself trapped in."

Despite her best efforts to stay annoyed, Phoebe couldn't help but crack a proud smile. That smile rapidly spread until she began to titter. "Where do you think he is this time?"

"That's for you to find out. C'mon, Phoebs! I need my super-huntress extraordinaire!" Gladys whooped and clapped her on the back. In almost no time she had expertly lifted her cousin's all the way back up.

"Okay, okay." Phoebe led the way as the two girls headed inside the Shack.

"So where do you think he is this time?"

"Wellllll…" She put her sharp little mind to work. "He was talking about he was going to keep as far away from the Sascrotch as possible after getting stuck behind it last time we played…...so we should definitely check there first"

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. That sounded like a fakeout if I ever heard one ..."


End file.
